Growing in Trust: My Theresian and Marian Lenten Lessons

“Are you crying because you want to do God’s will or you want God to do your will?”

That's what St. Frances of Rome's confessor asked her when she objected to getting married and asked God to please help her become a nun instead. This is also a phrase that has often popped up in my mind this Lenten season. Don't worry, I won't repeat what I wrote about my impatience and will versus God's will. Instead, I'm going to share something I keep "learning" this Lenten season with a little help from both of my co-patronesses for the year: Our Blessed Mother and St. Therese.

I've been having a very Theresian Lenten season. She's been popping up in my life so much since late last year that I've taken to learning as much as I can about her life this season. I started with the same Lenten book I've been using for the past (nearly) decade, A Lenten Journey with Jesus and St. Therese of Lisieux by Fr. John F. Russell, O. Carm. Then I moved onto A Family of Saints: The Martins of Lisieux‐Saints Thérèse, Louis, and Zélie by Stephane-Joseph Piat (side note: major family goals!) and My Sister, St. Therese by Sr. Genevieve of the Holy Face (a.k.a. Celine Martin).

The more I read, the more I find a kindred spirit in St. Therese... and then more confidence I feel about being myself and expressing my faith in a way that people may ridicule but that would, at least, be authentic. The "flowery" language, the childlike way of looking at things -- I understand it. I feel it deep down... way down because I've tried to bury it because others made fun of me for it. It wasn't until recently that I've allowed myself to be more open about it; even if I end up getting ridiculed for my "innocence."

Another thing I've been learning is in growing in my trust in God. St. Therese had such a beautiful trust in Him as did my model of what true womanhood is: Our Blessed Mother. Mama Mary's fiat is the ultimate example of trust in God. She knew that she would suffer but she still consented to do God's will and only being a "handmaiden of the Lord." That's what I want and hope to eventually go myself to without letting any fears or worries get to me.

Last week I began the 33 Days to Merciful Love: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat in Preparation for Consecration to Divine Mercy by Fr. Michael E. Gaitley, MIC. It's been such a blessing because it's allowed me to dive deeper in what's become my theme for this Lenten season: growing in trust of Him through the examples of both Mama Mary and St. Therese. I know that it was no fluke that somehow both became co-patronesses of the year for me. I also believe that it's no coincidence that I found out which monastery God seems to want me to attach myself as a Benedictine Oblate during this season when I'm so deeply immersed in all of this learning and growth.

Today, I was reminiscing about how many times I've cried to God about what I want without thinking that His will for me might be different. Of course, we can't change His mind but He can also grant us what we keep bugging Him about -- something I've also learned the hard way in the past. I would've avoided a lot of heartaches, stress, and dumb decisions if I had just listened to God's clear signs instead of asking Him to grant me what I wanted; things He allowed me to experience so that I could finally "get" that His plans for me are so much better than my own.

Exactly one week ago today, I learned where I would be headed in a couple of months to begin my Benedictine oblate novitiate. I still don't know how I'm going to pay for it -- I have not figured out any new fundraising ideas nor have I had any new work leads and I only have about a fourth of my goal saved up -- but I'm trusting God to provide a way if it's His will that I go forward with this. Yes, I'm putting what I've been learning this season into practice.

I've already resigned myself to the possibility that I won't be able to begin my Oblate novitiate this upcoming summer and that I will have to delay it for a couple of months -- until the end of the year -- if I can't raise the money in time to put down the retreat deposit and then book my flight. I've never felt more certain or at peace with any decision in my life as I am of not only becoming a Benedictine oblate but also knowing that this particular monastery is the one that He seems to want to be as my spiritual home. But the timeline remains up in the air. The finances are a bit stressful, as is the thought of having to take a plane (flying and I don't mix... at all!) but all my trust is in God.

I feel like this is just the first of many "tests" I will be facing in the next couple of months; experiences that will help me see if I'm growing in my trust of God or if I'm still holding onto my fears and letting them dictate what I do (or don't do). I don't know why but I feel like I'm going to be tested in my trust of God and of doing His will in every area of my life that I've been stagnant in for so long (especially my vocation). I know I'm usually quiet about that area of my life but let's just say that I think I have an inkling that I might know what's going to happen in that area of my life... and that I'm going to have to not only wait a little while longer but that I'll have to be incredibly patient and selfless. I have a feeling I'll become an Oblate before I go forward with my "big v" vocation. Again, just an inkling I've been having for a couple of weeks now; one that I'm surprisingly at peace with.

Anyway, I feel like I'm starting to repeat myself so I'll just leave it at that.

How is everyone else's Lenten season going? Anyone seeing any fruits?

I hope your start of the week has been going well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Holding Mama Mary's Hand

If you're following me on social media then you might've already seen me asking for prayers over the weekend. I had a lovely week -- made lovelier by good news from the doctor -- but things started to fall apart on Saturday. For once, I'm keeping the exact details to myself; only a few close friends know the full extent of what's going. Let's just say that it's a mix of a new health (heart related) worry for me, seeing things happening to Mom that are beyond her control and completely unjust, and a number of other things that created the perfect storm of intense anxiety.

I literally could not sit still for more than 4 seconds most of Saturday evening and night. I would sit down and immediately bolt up and pace the length of my apartment. That's how intense the anxiety was. You'd think that I'd eventually calm down enough to sleep it off, right? Big fat "nope." Our new next-door neighbors decided to throw a party on Saturday night that lasted until the wee hours on Sunday morning. After they calmed down, I was still so wound up that I just couldn't fall asleep. Having to get up at 4 a.m. that morning was a massive pain after sleeping very little. While my anxiety got a bit better during the day, I still couldn't fall asleep last night and, again, slept very little.

I've tried taking naps yesterday and today but it hasn't gone smoothly. During the first hour or two of the attempted naps, I've kept waking up (and sitting up) suddenly just as I was drifting off to sleep. I knew I had things to do both yesterday and today but I simply couldn't stay sleep, no matter how exhausted I've felt. Finally, I remembered the words that one of my best friends said to me when I told him what was going on and what my fears were: "Clutch our Mother's hand." I got the idea of holding Rosary beads in my hand as I tried to rest and both times that I've done it I've been able to drift to sleep and rest for at least an hour.

Has anyone been in a similar situation in which their minds and/or their hearts were troubled with something and nothing was helping ease the worry? I pray the Rosary on a daily basis but I sometimes don't feel at peace as quickly as I'd like. I'm not sure if holding the Rosary beads helps me drift off to sleep because, psychologically, it's a sort of security blanket during times of trials or if it's because Mama Mary is there with me, helping ease my anxiety. I'd like to think it's the latter. All I know is that imagining that Mama Mary is, in a way, holding my hand while I feel helpless and alone (when I'm physically alone) is very soothing. I've often wrapped Rosary beads around my hand when I've had horrific anxiety attacks but this is the first time I've held them to help me fall asleep.

By the way, please don't say "don't worry!" or "trust in the Lord" because, as well-meaning as they may be, I really don't want to hear those words. It makes me feel like a complete failure when my anxiety gets so bad that I can't stop worrying. I do try but sometimes it gets overwhelming. I ask God for help and I do trust Him but sometimes the mind is weak, especially when it's sleep deprived and can't think rationally.

Anyway, this was a quick blog post to share this in hopes that this may help someone else in a similar situation. If you can't pray the entire Rosary or even a decade, I highly recommend holding a strand of Rosary beads and praying any way you can. Even if it's as simple as "Lord, have mercy on me" or "Blessed Mother, pray for me" -- prayers don't have to be fancy as long as they come from the heart.

I should go eat something... and study. I really hope my anxiety (and the issue that is causing my anxiety) get better soon because I have two exams coming up next week and I really need to concentrate. Ain't nobody got time for your shenanigans, anxiety!

To those who've prayed and continue praying for me: thank you! I know that it's due to all your prayers that I haven't had a full-blown panic attack because this situation is intense and I would've already had a major attack by now.

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and that you have a great week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dear Mama Mary...

Please do not use without permission.

Dear Mama Mary,

Happy birthday! I thank God for giving you to us... and for your "yes" that blessed the whole world. Your "yes" -- which I meditate on every Monday and Saturday during the first Joyful Mystery -- has helped me learn how to say "yes" to many things, including learning how to better trust God.

Just as you said "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be [done] to me according to your word," I have been trying to do the same with my life. Instead of worrying about having some control over my future -- whether it be finances, career, vocation, etc -- I've learned to say "Lord, I am your child; I will do whatever you need me to do." This has been a hard lesson for me. The fear of unknown has been the greatest source of anxiety for me over the years... but I just have to remember that your faith and trust in Him gave us the greatest gift and I regain that confidence.

This summer you've held my hand through everything I've been through. From a month of hospital trips and doctor's appointments to recent intentions (which you know of), I have always felt your tenderness calming my nerves. I've grown to have a deep love for your Immaculate Heart, a devotion I had never felt particularly drawn to but one I now cannot do without. I cannot go through my day without wearing my Miraculous Medal (which I had wanted for several years but only recently got a temporary one). You've helped me draw my thoughts back to Christ and His infinite love and mercy.

Lately you've done something I would've never anticipated: you opened my heart as well as my eyes. You've helped me see my past errors that had held me back in terms of my vocation discernment. I was blinded for so long but a recent revelation (which I am attributing to the novena I did in honor of your birth) helped me see that I needed to let go of certain ideas. Furthermore, you helped me dodge a bullet before anything came out of it (which is why I started the novena in the first place; for clarity on the situation). I have a better understanding of myself and what's truly in my heart and for that I thank you. I'm sure the loneliness I felt earlier this summer will be easier to bear while I wait.

I've never felt closer to you than I have this summer. I am grateful for everything I endured because it helped me get to where I am. I look forward to consecrating myself to you later this year, my first time doing do. It's long overdue but it's better than I arrived a little late than never.

Thank you, Mama Mary, for everything you've done for me, my family, my friends, and, really, the entire world.

With a heart full of love,
your daughter,

Anatomy of a Sick Blogger

I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret: I'm at a point in my illness that I both accept it and I am completely depressed by it. I accept it because I've had it since August (five months) and I've had time to go through all the varying stages of emotions but that doesn't mean I still don't have my moments where I break down and cry. In fact, just before I sat down to write this (and before I prayed day 4 of the 54 Day Rosary novena), I broke down and sobbed. I prefer to do it when I'm alone so my mom doesn't see so I had the perfect chance.

Lately, it's been more apparently that I'm sick... at least physically. I can start seeing my hip bones and collarbone more defined. My clothes no longer fit and I haven't bothered checking but I'm guessing I dropped at least one or two sizes. I know it's not very ladylike to talk about weight but I am going to have to for you guys to understand how I am doing. I was about 132-135 lbs prior to these stomach problems. Today I weighed myself and saw that I dropped another pound since last month... down to 123. That's about 9-12 pounds I've lost in 5 months. For my height (I'm around 5'7"-ish), I'm still within normal weight range. That is good news. I hope that, since my Upper GI test will be in a month and three days (scheduled for February 13th; Ash Wednesday), I won't drop underweight before we get a proper diagnosis.

Before anyone starts freaking out (and thus mortifying me even further), you have to remember that I've cut almost all my usual foods out of my diet. I used to eat a lot of burgers, fries, pasta dishes, and baked goods. A lot. My diet for the last couple of months has consisted of grilled chicken, tortillas, and romaine lettuce for lunch and oatmeal and toast for breakfast and dinner. That is all. When I can, I try to add cantaloupe and watermelon (though this is getting harder to find) as snacks (for something sweet). I've tried adding various things without success. Most foods make me sick... and we don't know why. Even my doctor can't recommend any foods because we just don't know.

And because I know I will get asked, these are my symptoms when I do eat something that does not agree with my stomach: 1) feeling like I'm going to pass out, 2) an empty, gnawing feeling in my stomach (like it's going to start eating itself even if I had just eaten), and/or 3) crazy heartburn. Doctor (based on symptoms) ruled out an ulcer which was my initial guess. I was diagnosed with GERD/dyspepsia a few months ago (when I was at my worst) but that doesn't explain symptoms one and two. A few people (again, based on symptoms) are guessing it could be gallbladder related. The idea of maybe it being a Celiac (gluten) problem has also been thrown around. Either way, I hope they find out what's wrong so that I can start getting the nutrients I need once again.

I'll admit that I frequently have crying jags because of it. Even when I feel at my lowest, I try to remind myself that I am better off than some people and that I shouldn't focus on it so much. Earlier today, when I had to weigh myself to track my progress and saw that I'd lost more weight, I broke down. Who wouldn't? Almost immediately, I felt the urge to pray the Rosary. Remember about how much Our Lord suffered reminds me that I should try to bear my own cross more graciously.

Sure, I ask for our Blessed Mother's intercession but I also have to remind myself that this could all be God's will for me... at least for now. There has to be a reason why I'm going through all of this. It could be that God has something greater planned for me than I could imagine and that I have to go through this in order to appreciate whatever is coming. Maybe it's not even for me but for someone else. If all that I'm going through can help at least one person who reads this post, I will go through my illness without much complaint.

Anyway, I felt like sort of spilling my guts and hope it will relieve some of the stress and melancholic feelings I've been feeling lately. I'll be fine; sometimes I just need to let it all out before I can smile again. :)

And so that this doesn't end on such a bummer note: I am happy to report that I will have some new non-blog material published coming up very, very soon. ;) Yes, even through all of this, I've been able to retain my passion for writing and reading... and swing dancing when I am feeling well enough. ;)

I hope y'all have been having a great week thus far. If you have any prayer requests, please send them my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary and My Anxiety

As most of you know, today is the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Today we commemorate the day that Our Blessed Mother's body was taken up to heaven by her son. If you didn't know, today is a Holy Day of Obligation (a.k.a. one of the non-Sunday days you are required to attend Mass)... but, unfortunately, I will have to miss Mass because of my anxiety. :(

I've had a lousy week of anxiety following a week or so of absolutely no anxiety whatsoever. I have a lot going on in my life (which can contribute to the stress) but I've been even more stressed in the past and have not had this reaction. It's bad. It's "waking up at 4:15 a.m. with a horribly anxious feeling all over and not being able to fall asleep again until nearly 6 a.m." bad. It's "confined to staying home all day" bad. It's "how the heck am I going to get a job with this darn illness?" bad.

This morning, when I woke up at 4:15 a.m. with horrible anxiety, I had a hard time falling back asleep. I couldn't even drive my mom to work in the morning -- and for me not to do that means I'm in pretty bad shape. She took a taxi to work and I stayed home and tried to sleep. I watched my favorite guilty pleasure TV show (which luckily airs at 5 to 6 a.m.) but it didn't help. Finally, I just thought about what day it was and how, wearing the Brown Scapular, I knew I had her protection. I started to visualize (a very important skill I learned in cognitive-behavioral therapy) Our Blessed Mother wrapping her mantle around me and holding me while I just cried and let it all out. Soon after, I fell asleep. While I still woke up feeling anxious (though it's less than this morning) and have continued feeling annoyingly anxious throughout the day, I know she's still holding me together.

While I was praying the morning part of the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (I have been doing the post-Vatican II version but will be switching over to the pre-Vatican II version soon), I had two thoughts pop up into my mind. First, that maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. There has to be a reason why I'm going through what I'm going through. I may not know what it is but I am sure God has bigger plans for me and this anxiety is just the cross I have to carry for as long as I need to. I remembered how, during my reversion six years ago (happened during the summer, too), I had bad (worse -- 3 times in a week in the Emergency Room bad) anxiety and how I decided to dedicate my life to my newly rediscovered Faith. Maybe I just need to go through this in order to help figure out what my new stage of life is. Like I've said, I have no idea what God has in store for me but I'll do what He wants me to. I feel a little embarrassed to admit this but, in the past, I've told God that if having anxiety is what it takes for me to get back on track with my Faith, that I would happily endure it. Maybe that's what's happening. Only God knows.

The second thought I had was actually two separate things that I am putting together. First, maybe I should spend a little more time in conversation with my adopted 'big brother' Bl. Pier Giorgio. I don't know why but I have a feeling that I should be asking him for help (through his intercession). Between his intercession as well as Our Blessed Mother's (and my own conversations with God), I can make sense of what my next step should be. Then I thought "Wow, I really, really want to read Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila"... but then I remembered that I still have two Tolkien books I need to read for review (and I'm way overdue for those) so I can't just yet. New motivation though. ;) Angelica was kind enough to send the book to me for my birthday last year but I still haven't had a chance to read it. Maybe it's time that I do it, before I move onto other books.

On this day, I will remember that I have my Heavenly Mother looking out for me. Though I cannot make it to Mass to celebrate the day on which she was reunited with her son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, I know she and God know that I want to be there. It took this day to remind myself that what I am currently suffering here on earth is only temporary and that, if I try to live a better life (hey, I'm human; I slip up more than I'd like), maybe one day I will join them in Heaven and all the suffering I went through on earth will seem like a distant memory.

Anyway, sorry... long rambling post. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) I think better when I write it all out... and I don't mind if you guys get a glimpse into this part of my life. :) I'm going to go drink some more tea and try to distract myself from this darn anxiety. :)

I hope y'all are having a great day. If there's anything I can pray for for you, please let me know. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

It's Finally Happened...

Brace yourselves for something you never thought you'd hear from me. Are you sitting down? Are you ready? You sure? Okay, here it goes...

... we finally had an orthodox Religious Studies lecture. *gasp* Am I being punked? lol.

All kidding aside, I am very surprised about how yesterday's Christology class went. We had an actual lecture where there was no mention of liberation theology or any feminist rants. I may sound a little pessimistic when I say that I don't expect this to last but we've already been told that we'll focus the second half of the semester on the liberal side of Christology so I'm counting yesterday as a fluke. Yeeeah. Fun. lol. Maybe, since it Mama Mary's birthday yesterday, it was a feast day miracle. (side note: Have I mentioned that they gave out birthday cake during the lunch hour because of the feast of the Nativity of Our Blessed Mother? Yeah, I know. Surprise!) Or maybe the prof is trying to get me to put my guard down. Either way, I'm prepared for whatever comes my way. One thing I do know is that I'm in for a hard semester.

Lack of updates is due to the insane amount of homework I have. I have to read no less than 200 pages per week for my classes not to mention study for weekly exams/quizzes, papers, and all that fun stuff. And by fun I mean torture. lol. Actually, except for my Christology course, none of my classes are that hard. The work is just ridiculously time consuming. I thought I would be able to finish everything early and enjoy my weekend but I work right through my weekend as well. Some professors apparently believe their's is the only class we're taking because some assign up to 150 pages to read every week. For one class. Now do y'all get my absence from online activity? I have a feeling I will finish this semester mentally exhausted.


Not much to note besides the homework and something else that I've been wanting to write about. No, not the purging of music that makes me uncomfortable (though I do have iTunes open and go through the songs while I read) or the skirt experiment but something else. :) I'll write it soon enough. ;D

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all on my school situation. I know many of y'all were brought to this blog when Patrick Madrid, First Things, and the Cardinal Newman Society all highlighted my CINO College post and I still get asked how things are going. I think my biggest challenge will happen when I write my Thesis next semester. I have it down to two possible things I want to write the 40 page Thesis (yes, you read that right) on and neither will go down well with my adviser but it's my paper so ha! ;) For now I'll just keep on swimming (a la Nemo's Dory) and try to make it out of this semester alive. :D

That's it for now. I did 8 straight days of cramming/studying and all I want to do is listen to music and catch up on my movie viewing today. I may have a special post scheduled for Sunday if I can get it written on time. Stay tuned for that. :D

I hope y'all are doing well, especially those who are back at work and school. :) I also hope y'all have a great, safe weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Feast of The Annunciation

Happy feast of the Annunciation! As a friend wrote on Facebook, only 9 more months until Christmas. Did anyone else make that connection? A lot of people are still figuring it out. lol.

Today we celebrate the day that the St. Gabriel the Archangel let Our Blessed Mother know she was to be the mother of the Son of God. This has to be one of my favorite feast days of the year. I've always felt a special connection to the Blessed Virgin Mary, (though I don't think I have been a good daughter, but that's another story) and the fact that today reminds us of the great love she had for God, and subsequently for us.

When I pray the Rosary of Mondays and Saturdays (the days when we have the Joyful Mysteries), I am quite frequently in awe every time I start the first mystery -- the Annunciation. Though I've prayed the Rosary countless times, and it never changes in terms of the prayers said, there is something about this particular mystery that has reduced me to tears... and has reminded me of the sacrifice Our Lord has done for us. It also reminds me to keep giving thanks to Our Blessed Mother for all she did, and has done, for us as well.

Why not praying the Rosary today, in honor of this wonderful feast day? Or, better yet, why not do something nice for your mom? It doesn't have to be some grand gesture. Something as simple washing the dishes or helping her carry something is more than enough. If you can't be with your mother today, why not thank God for both of your mothers -- the one that gave birth to/raised/adopted you and our Heavenly Mother who is always looking out for us?

And now, I'm going to take my own suggestions and do something nice for my own mother. :D

I hope everyone has had a good week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Me? Date? No, Thank You! I'm Focusing on God

*Originally started on 8/12, finished/published on 8/27*

If there's one thing I've been feeling pressure to do, it's date and/or find someone to marry. It's been worse since my father passed away last month. It's mentioned so often, about how I "need" to find someone, right now (!), or else it's going to get more difficult as I get older, that I've resorted to poking fun at it. Um, hello, I just turned 24 years old a couple of months ago! Why all the pressure? Why all the comments? Unfortunately, I think it's because our society has been conditioned to think that we're not complete unless we have a significant other. Being the youngest of my siblings, I get all this advice, and my brothers threatening to hunt down any guy that hurts me (heehee), but I've come to the conclusion that I would be better off not listening to that advice and relying on prayers for the intercession of Our Blessed Mother (to make me a woman worthy of entering the married vocation), St. Maria Goretti (for purity of mind and speech), and St. Therese of Lisieux (over all patron in both my single and married vocations) to guide me through this time in my life.

To be completely honest, I haven't "dated" or had a "boyfriend" since I was in my late teens. I've never been on a proper date, which I'm actually proud of. lol. :D I do go out with my guy friends, but it's never in a romantic setting. Every thing I've done with my guy friends has been something I could easily do with a girlfriend. Well, the only exception was a football (soccer) match I went to with my friend Andrew of Per Fidem, but that's because my girlfriends aren't big on the sport and I am. (P.S. I still say we brought the L.A. Galaxy luck and that they owe us season passes, lol). Other than that, I tend to avoid doing things with my guy friends that I wouldn't with my girlfriends. I've avoided dating because a) I have horrible "luck" with guys (seriously, just ask any of my close friends) and b) in my experience, most guys have been after only one thing, yes THAT, -- even if they swear they aren't and hide behind the fact that they're Catholic to see if I fall for it. Too bad for them, I like to think of myself as being just a little smarter than the average nerdy bear.

Recently, with this new path that I feel the Lord is guide me on, I've re-evaluated the reasons why I've avoided dating... and this time, the reasons are better, more practical (which I'm trying to be), and I believe are more in line with what God wants from me. After reading two (completely different) books on dating, I've finally come up with how I will handle my future relationships. Let me say, before I go further, that this isn't what I hope everyone does. This is something I've figured out for myself, with the help of the Lord, and will do because I feel, in my heart, this is what will be best for me.

The two books I've read, Jane Austen's Guide to Dating by Lauren Henderson and I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, couldn't be more unlike each other. In one book (J. Austen's Guide) we have your typical dating advice with a twist. This book tells you not to play games with the person you're interested in and also has good advice about not holding a person up on a pedestal. It's good, sound advice and the twist is that she uses things that have happened with characters in Jane Austen's novels to make her points. Very cute concept, a couple of good tips (such as not dating someone based on their income/career)... but it sadly fails with all the mention of pre-marital sex. Every single chapter has so many of these examples. "So and so waited a month and now they're happy." "Him and her had a baby and are now content." "A and B moved in together and are now happily engaged." I don't recall one example that didn't have the more "traditional" process of waiting until marriage to enjoy that intimacy. Not one. It romanticized the idea of sex outside of marriage which is very dangerous for a young girl/lady who thinks this book, which will use example of Austen's novels, will be something completely different. After reading this book, I had to tell my younger adopted "sisters" (friends who I see as my sisters) not to bother with this book. It's not that I think they'll fall for the ideas presented, I just think it's a waste for modest young women. It made me sad to think that, as a young adult in today's society, what was written in the book is what is expected of me. And, sadly, it is. Thankfully, I have no problem "rebelling" against what society expects of me. The second book I read helped give confidence to my "Me? Date? No, thank you!" attitude and definitely countered the disillusionment I experienced from the first book. The second book, appropriately called I Kissed Dating Goodbye (by Joshua Harris), once again gave me hope for the future. Not only that, it actually helped solidify some ideas that I already had.

While some of the ideas in the books were more Protestant than Catholic, I was able to look past that and see what Josh's point was in each chapter. In fact, his constant reminder that we should pray about our vocation (though he never mentions religious life) kept reminding me that we should focus on knowing what our vocation is before pursuing any relationship. This is just one example, of many, in which I agreed with Josh. When he says that "dating is a product of our entertainment-driven, disposible-everything American culture" (pg 29), I think he totally hit the nail on the head. How many of you had an idea of what dating was supposed to be like due to what was given to us through movies and shows? The Notebook, anyone? The reality of it is that we're not going to live a romance like we see on tv or at the movie theater. I'm not saying it's horrible to like these kinds of movies. I'm very much a chick flick person who likes those happy endings... but it's also important to realize that it's all make-believe and that our reality isn't a fairy tale. (I hope I'm not bumming anyone out.) This is all coming from a self-described hopeless romantic, too.

As Josh wrote, many of the dating relationships we see are because they're attract to each other and want to have a good time. Most, sadly, don't want commitment; they just want to have fun then and there with that particular person. Trust me, I've had more than my fair share of guys trying to do this. One former guy "friend" was very blunt about how he just wanted to get to know me "in the biblical sense"; just have a little fun. Yes, he was attracted to me, but he just wanted that one time thing and not a relationship. Apparently, he didn't know me as well as he thought because those responses usually get either a kick in the shins or a sock in the nose (usually only metaphorically). Unfortunately, I've gotten this type of thing quite often, which was the initial reason why I decided to quit dating.

As I've said before, I do go out with my guy friends but never in a romantic setting. I don't treat any of them differently than I do my girlfriends. I enjoy getting to know the guys just as I do the girls. For me, I've found that getting to know members of the opposite sex as just friends will help you a lot. It's helping me learn how to deal with certain things (because we girls tend to be more emotional than guys) and also how to talk to them properly. I've also had the blessing of giving some of them advice, which I've always tried to give as honestly as I can. I call many of them my brothers because they've become like part of my family. Lately I've realized that I should keep doing this... and if someday I begin to develop feelings for one of them, then I'll already know him well enough to know whether to pursue something more than friendship. This way I'll know what I'll be getting into without getting my heart broken the way I would in a dating relationship that will go nowhere. As the book says, we tend to skip the friendship stage in relationships. We're in such a hurry to date with that initial attraction that we don't think twice about whether we know who we're attracted to. It's not completely easy once you have a crush, especially with having this "if you like someone, go out with them!" message constantly thrown at me, but not impossible either and I've been able to do it.

One of the most important things that IKDG did for me was make me very excited and happy about being single. Do you realized that once we get married (if it's also your vocation), we'll never have this freedom again? And I'm not saying that getting married is taking away your freedom. Not all! The freedom I'm talking about is getting to know yourself, and learning about yourself, so well that when it is time for you to share your life with someone, you can go into that relationship with confidence. When again will I get a chance to go to sporting events or even to the movies, with my guy friends? It's not appropriate to do this when I'm married. When again will I be able to travel without having to take anyone else's schedule into consideration? I'm able to make my own plans at the moment. Sounding selfish of me? Well... here's the one thing about the book that really stuck out to me: when again will I have a chance to completely devote myself solely to God and doing what God wants me to do without worrying about how it'll affect my (future) husband? Being single and being married are completely different vocations. I will be able to serve the Lord in both states, but each will ask different things of me.

As I've said in the last couple of posts, I believe that God wants me to focus on myself (for once) and on what I want to do for Him. I've realized that I've spent the last couple of years doing things mainly for my parents. There's no complaint at all though. I was blessed to be able to help my father during his last 7 years, and 3 cancer battles, of life. There has not been anything more rewarding to me than being able to take care of my father the way he took care of me as a child. I look forward to doing it with my mother when she reaches old age as well. Because of this, though, I have neglected my own needs and wants. There were times when I've wanted to volunteer at soup kitchens but couldn't because I preferred to stay at home and look after my father. I gave up my dreams of attending university partly for the same reason (the other part was because of the anxiety which used to be worse). MANY TIMES I've wanted to help out the homeless but, as I mentioned last year, my father wouldn't let me do this without getting lectured and yelled at. Now that I have this newfound freedom, I can do everything I've wanted to do that will help others and serve God in the process. THIS is the path that I feel God wants me to take, now that I am single and have no big commitments and responsibilities. I love that there's no man in my life to give my heart to, at the moment, other than God.

In mid-late June I had a dream that St. Therese of Lisieux showed me this red book with different people's pictures in it. It dawned on me that it was a book on dating and relationships. As soon as I took this book, I heard her tell me "have patience." When I woke up, I thought it was a sign, whether divine or subconscious, that I would have to be patient because the man I'm supposed to marry either isn't ready (if I already know him) or isn't ready and I haven't met him yet. I thought it was something different because I had a little "crush" on a guy friend at the moment. Even then, it all seemed a little confusing but now, looking back, I understand it. St. Therese, being a patroness of vocations, will now be my patron saint when it comes to my future relationships. Well, I should say my (hopefully) future relationship (singular) because I have made a promise to myself, and to God and St. Therese, not to enter a courtship ("old-fashioned", but, hey, so am I!) until I'm sure that the man I enter the courtship with is someone I could see myself marrying. I'm glad I made that decision because that way my next relationship will be that much special and sacred. I'm not afraid of commitment or of getting my heart broken. I'd just rather save that for my future spouse. I'm sure he, whoever he is, will be glad that I'm not going into the relationship with the cynicism one can get from getting their hearts broken through many failed relationships. I'm not jaded (and have been able to quickly bounce back from past disappointments) when it comes to romance and I hope that it stays that way. For now, I will do as my big brother's friend, who is a Protestant minister, has advised me to do: pray for my future spouse and hope that he puts God above all things, like I'm going to do, until he's ready for marriage.

By the way, I may joke about my footballer boyfriend on facebook and twitter but that's all it is - a joke that originated from a dream I had about marrying a footballer I wasn't (and am not) actually interested in. I had this dream for two months straight so it became a joke amongst friends. I told y'all my dreams were weird. lol. As I've often said in the past, I rarely talk about this side of my personal life but I decided to share and hope it'll help someone in the future.

I was going to write more, but I think I've been able to say all I wanted to say without sounding redundant and (hopefully) without sounding preachy. Again, these are just things that will work for me. Not everyone is the same and I'm sure some of you will disagree with me (I know a couple of my own close friends will), but that's how it is for me.

Okay, that's about it for now. I want to go pray for a little while, especially with this darn anxiety that seems to sneak up. I haven't had a full blown attack since the day dad passed away (and no attack months before that) and I'm going to ask St. Dymphna for her intercession so I am able to keep the anxiety at bay until I've figured out what's causing it.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Mass Intentions; Letters to Our Blessed Mother.

I had one busy day today. I went to two different hospitals (one to renew my health insurance, the other to visit my dad), I had to take care of dad's car insurance, and then we went to the parish I've grown up attending. I haven't been there since a little before dad got sick, choosing to go to the nearby parish instead. It was because it was easier and closer to home. I've missed going to my parish so we decided to make the trip out there, even if it's on the bus. While we were there we decided to add a few Mass intentions to their list. This Saturday, July 4th (at 7 a.m.; no, I don't mind that I have to get up super early for it), there will be one for Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati.

Though we have not see the miracle we'd like, to see dad completely healed, I feel in my heart that he's already interceded for us in another way. Since I started praying and asking for his intercession, my parents and I have been a lot more at peace with everything. Not to say we're more apathetic to everything that's going on... but it seems like we've all accepted that whatever happens is God's will and we're all okay with that. I've always said that but now my parents and family members have also begun to say it. The fact that we're all united, that everyone is praying more, that we're closer to God, and that we've all somehow found strength within ourselves might just be the miracle we were looking for. Either way, I wanted a Mass dedicated in honor of the memory of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati and I chose it on July 4th because that's his day.

The next day we have two back-to-back Masses to attend. The first is in English (at 9 a.m.) and the Mass intention is in the memory of my older brother, Moises, who passed away before I was born. He was only 11 months old when he died and I'm sorry I never got to know him. The second Mass, in Spanish (at 10:30 a.m.), will be for my dad's health -- he started going downhill, fast, again today :( -- and for Our Lady of Guadalupe. I do not mind that I have 3 Masses to attend in 2 days. In fact, if I could attend Mass every day, I totally would. :) Oh, and I've been asked to keep some of y'all updated on the Masses so if anyone's in the San Fernando Valley or are in the L.A. area and are willing to make the trek out here for any of the Masses, please let me know and I'll tell you at which parish they are taking place at. :)

I'm about to go start a new notebook full of letters to Our Blessed Mother, but before I do I should explain what exactly that is. A year ago I started writing letters to Our Blessed Mother. It began, prior to my starting the novel, as a way to get everything off my chest. Though I'm open with my close friends, I don't disclose everything because I'm somewhat of a private person when it comes to certain things. Because of this, I've kept a lot bottled up. When I was going through a particularly bad experience last year, I decided to write out what I was feeling -- good and/or bad. I haven't written in a couple of weeks but I'm in the triple digits. Since I feel like that chapter of my life is close (I've interesting to see how much you've gone through in a year), I decided to start a new one. With everything that's going on with dad, as well as my personal life, it's time to start writing again. I know it may be weird but it's the best way I can deal with everything. I've been encouraged to turn the letters into a book but I couldn't do it. It's far too personal. On it are things that no living person knows about and I'd like to keep it like that for an extremely long time, thankyouverymuch. lol.

Okay, so, as I said, I am going to do that now that I'm in a very contemplative mood. Listening to Gregorian Chant music will do that to you. :D Oh, and, again, if you're interested in coming to one of the Masses, email me and let me know... or, if you're a person I know in RL, then just text or call me and I'll give you the details. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)

Just When I Felt All Alone...

Apparently, I didn't need the days I originally believed it would take me to sort everything out. In fact, it only took me a little over 24 hours. Yay! I do not like being stuck in emo-land. For someone who is happy a good 98.9% of the time, it's very hard and just blah to feel as miserable as I felt most of Wednesday and Thursday. To hear that my dad might potentially have cancer again, not even a year since being declared cancer free, really hit me hard. This entire week was absolutely horrible for me. I had a lot of huge decisions to make so I was already overwhelmed prior to this news. Ever since Sunday, when I went to check out the dorms, I've had to make the decision on whether to live away from home (for the first time ever) or to commute. I don't live that far from campus but the 405 freeway is a nightmare in the morning. I've had to re-think a lot of other decisions I had made before about a lot of things. I'm a little behind on my schoolwork so I've been trying to catch up on that. Just a lot of things have hit me at once, and it's a wonder I didn't have a massive panic attack.

I'll be the first to admit that, though it takes a lot to get me really upset, when I get very sad, I shut down. Sometimes I just need a hug from a friend or at least a little mini-rant that will help me get it out of my system. Sadly, I did not have that. I came to the very sad realization that I had no one to go to when I was feeling this way. I have the very unfortunate luck when it comes to this. Whenever I need someone to talk to, I don't have anyone... but when my friends need someone to talk to, I'm always there. I've even gotten text messages at 3 in the morning, which I've gotten up and talked to my friends because they needed me. I don't have that. My friends disappear when I need that kind of support... and it really sucks. Sadly, this has been a reoccurring theme for me. Except for a couple of people whom I barely know, mostly on twitter, saying that they were going to say prayers for my dad, I felt like I was all alone. I think you can imagine just how much that weighed on my mind.

So there I was upset because, even though I pride myself on being self-reliant and self-sufficient, I do need people to keep me sane... when I had two thoughts pop into my head. First, how incredibly selfish I was for feeling hurt that my friends were not there when I needed them. Not only that, but making this about myself. I should really focus on making sure dad gets to all the tests he needs to go to (which, btw, he's refusing) and just trying to make sure he's as comfortable as he can get.

The second thought was "Wait a second... what do you mean you're all alone? No, you're not!" My thoughts went immediately to how Christ felt the same way, like he was alone, crying out loud "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" when he was up on that cross. I'm not comparing myself to Him in any way. I'm just saying that at times when we feel like we're completely alone, we have to remember that we're not. I think a lot of us forget that from time to time, especially when things seem bleak. I haven't really prayed as much as I used to and I haven't been doing so great this Lent season. I definitely have legitimate excuses but there should be no excuses no matter what I'm going through. How I can expect to feel like I'm not alone when the one thing that has always made me feel happy has not been present in my life?

I've often found comfort and relief in prayer and in immersing myself completely in my faith. I've done it many times before. One of the best ways has been by praying the Rosary. I used to pray it many times a day, or at least once a day... and I haven't for months. I could be feeling just absolutely horrible but praying the Rosary will immediately make me feel close to Our Blessed Mother with God. I've been so out of it when it comes to my prayers (I've only said one novena to St. Philomena recently, an almost daily prayer to St. Dymphna, and occasionally a Rosary here and there), that it didn't even come into my mind to do this. It wasn't until I turned on my iPod touch that I realized this, because as soon as I turned it on the Rosary application on it opened. I didn't even touch the app, it just opened. If that's a sign, I don't know what is. That was my wake up call.

Once I realized what I was doing wrong, everything looked up. A few decisions were made, which I'm happy about. I still have the pressing "Should I live at home or not?" question on my mind because I need to submit the housing deposit this coming week but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon. Also, while my friends disappeared, my friend Misha, whom I've mentioned before, surprised me with a visit. As I've written before, this girl has gone through heck and back with me and I still think she's my rock. After many failed attempts of getting together whenever we're in the same city (when she's in L.A. we can't get together for some reason or I'm not in the U.S. when she is... and she's in London when I'm here), we finally got the chance to hang out for a little bit. I truly think God sent her to me when I needed a friend. I really do. She came over and we just talked... and laughed. It felt great to just let it all go. If you're one of my Facebook buddies, I posted a couple of pictures of us together. I look like a mess, but, hey, I wasn't doing too good up a bit before I saw her so it's okay. :)

Anyway, I think I've written more than I intended to. Sorry, it's the writer in me. I hope everyone has a great Easter. I'll probably write once more before then because it'll be the last I can before my last midterm on Monday. Okay, enough stalling from the studying. lol.

As always, thank you for reading and God Bless.

P.S. If you're in the San Fernando Valley area of L.A., Bishop Wilkerson is doing the Good Friday Service at Mary Immaculate in Pacoima at 7 p.m. tonight. Just thought I'd pass it along. :D

Palpitations and Pains in Church; Golden Crucifix Dream.

Man, I've had one doozy of a weekend. When I went to confessions yesterday, my heart kept beating as though it was going to jump out of my chest. It calmed down when I confessed but when I went to kneel in front of the tabernacle, it started right up again. I was trying to say the Act of Contrition and then say the amount of prayers Fr. Juan had given me but I just couldn't concentrate. My heart was beating with so much force that the St. Jude medallion (which I wear on a chain) was actually bouncing off my shirt. That's never happened and it was quite scary. I closed my eyes and said "Lord, if this is the work of the enemy trying to keep me from praying, please help me." I managed to calm down and concentrated after that.

Today, I went to Mass by myself (mom's battling a painful toothache and dad simply didn't "feel like going"). I was fine until I started getting these chest pains over my heart. I ignored the first one but when the second and third came I worried and left Mass. They were about to start with the Eucharist too. :( I was seriously scared because the pains burned. I only got about 5 pains before it stopped though. Still, I got home and I cried. After the ordeal I went through last year, I've remained very nervous about my heart. I think (and hope) it was maybe some heartburn or something. I'd eaten some hot (chili) chicken in the morning and then took a nap an hour and a half later. I woke up with my stomach all acid-y so I think that that's what triggered the burning chest pains. I haven't had any pains since, thank goodness. To be honest, I think I cried mostly because I left Mass early. I was scared about the pains but didn't get a panic attack or anything like that. Hopefully I won't get a repeat of it again.

I don't know what's going on but I think I'm definitely in for a fight. I haven't been praying as much as I used to -- either I run out of time or forget. I didn't go to Mass for two weekends (I was sick in bed the first week and had that midterm last Sunday) and confession for 3 weeks. That was also a first. I usually go to confession once a week... or at least once every 2 weeks. It's been that way for nearly 2 years now. I had to leave Mass early the last time I went, and again today. My parents have started refusing to go to Church with me. Oh, I'm definitely in for a battle but I'm not going to give up on these things! At least I'm still having my wonderful dreams.

A few nights ago I had this dream that I was left at the altar, in my wedding dress, by someone I cared about in real life a while ago. Anyway, I was really upset in the dream and then I found this golden crucifix. It somehow appeared in my hand, wrapped in a silk handkerchief. I was so happy to see it that I kissed it because I knew that it was a sign of comfort... and then woke up. I told a friend of mine about this and he said, "Well, maybe the golden Crucifix means that Jesus is always there. Gold is precious, so even though things go to custard, as you could say, Jesus is still there. So Jesus is your treasure." I think he's right. Lately I've been feeling just horrible at home and the lack of communications between my friends and I is starting to take its toll on me. I think that I just have to remember that I'll always have the love of God, and our beautiful Blessed Mother; especially when I don't feel it from anyone else. The dream was definitely a reminder of that... and that's such a comforting thought to have. :D I hope everyone remembers that when they're feeling down.

Alright, well, I have to work on some schoolwork. Yeah, it's a never-ending cycle of critical analysis and research papers. lol. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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I Can Finally Breathe!; Patron Saints; Bon Voyage... But Where To?

I finally feel like I can breathe after weeks of being swamped with so much homework. Whoo!! :D The heaviest parts were finished yesterday. I have to write myself a note not to overload myself like this again. I haven't had time to go get my hair cut. I haven't gone out with my friends in ages. I'm very much a homebody. I mean, I was a homebody before but now I can't even go out if I wanted to. Well, no, I CAN go out but I choose not to because that will only lead to more stress and who wants that? I'm perfectly content staying at home, studying, because I know I will get killer grades at the end of the semester if I keep it up. :) One of my courses, the dreaded Oceanography class, ends in 3 weeks (wow, so fast!) and then I have 3 classes for the remainder of the semester. Say it with me... WHOOOOOO!!! lol. I truly hope that those of you in school are doing well so far. :D

Of course, I owe a lot of my calm nerves to the patron saints of students (St. Joseph of Cupertino and St. Thomas Aquinas) and of course, St. Dymphna (patroness of anxiety). I'm happy to say that the anxiety has been practically gone in the past couple of weeks, perhaps last 2 months. I asked a friend of mine if it was possible to have too many patron saints, and he didn't know so... hmm. I'm still wondering. No one's been able to give me a straight answer yet. I can't pick a patron saint. I have three main saints: St. Jude Thaddeus, St. Dymphna, and Our Blessed Mother. How can I pick when they've done so much for me? I should probably ask one of the priests -- the priest I get -- when I go sometime soon. I still have to go and talk to one of them. I have a lot on my mind. I have so many questions and am in dire need of the kind of advice I think a priest would answer the best. Is it weird that I love having conversations with priests? Seriously, if I could on a daily basis, I would!

Oh... A few months ago, my mother surprised me by saying that as soon as my anxiety had simmered down and as soon as I could prove that I can handle traveling, she'd be willing to pay for a vacation anywhere I'd like to go. I've already gone out of the country but not too far away from home. Everyone's pretty much banking (slang word for: betting on a sure deal) on me going to England. Two years ago, England felt more like my home than my actual home here in California. I have so many wonderful memories from that time in my life. I became addicted to tea during that time; an addiction I still have. lol. I have friends in London and up in Manchester so I wouldn't be by myself while in England. Maybe I'll skip the trip and save up the money for something else in the future. With the way the economy is going, it might be wiser to just save up. We'll see.

Alright, I am going to go shut my eyes for a little while because my eyes hurt and they've gotten worse on a daily basis. I think I need new prescription for my glasses/contacts because I feel better without them on... even though I'm pretty much as blind as a bat without them. lol. I think a prayer to St. Lucy is in order.

Oh, and before I go... I still have plans on writing about St. Therese of Lisieux AND about the golden crucifix dream but I am going to wait until (hopefully) tomorrow because I want to add more to it. :D

I'm going to leave y'all with a video I came across youtube of my favorite scene of "The Bells of St. Mary's". Enjoy! As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D


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Brain Overload; Feeling Blessed and Thankful.

Oy. My brain is overloaded with facts of Hinduism. I'm about 2 days late on my paper about Hinduism, as well. :( Bah! I didn't have the cash, or transportation, to get the book on time thus making me fall behind. Luckily, we have a 2 day grace period so... I am going to get to that as soon as I finish this blog. Between my History of World Religions and British Literature courses, I have very little free time. I am not too stressed about my other courses because they don't make my head and eyes hurt as much (in other words, not as much reading). I will be so happy once we're a quarter into the semester because that's when the professor stop loading us with huge amounts of work. I will also need a massage by the end of this coming weekend because I already have knots in my shoulders and back from all the stress. Okay, I will stop my ranting right about... now. lol.

I went Mass today but left about a bit early because I felt like I was going to pass out (I also left my Oceanography course earlier in the day early for the same reason). Since my father and I weren't seated together (long story), he didn't see when I slipped out. I had to wait out by the car until Mass was done... but what I received during that time made up for my missing Mass (well, at least the bummed out feeling of not making it through the Mass) was fantastic. A young girl came up to me (while I was dabbing my forehead with a cold paper towel I got from the bathroom) and asked to borrow my cell phone. She then started up a conversation in which she was very open about her life with me. I've never encountered someone who was that trusting with a stranger. Even though she's a decade younger than I am (wow, that make me feel old, lol), she's lived so much more than I have. She has a child and has gone through heck and back. As she was telling me all these things, I felt very sad for her but personally very blessed at the same time. She asked me questions like whether I had a boyfriend or had kids, whether I was in school, and whether I was saving myself for marriage (though she used more colorful words). I was VERY shocked she would ask me such personal questions but I felt like I had to be very honest with her. I usually just say "I'm sorry but it's none of your business" but I answered all her questions. I think she was very surprised by my answers, especially when I told her I was 23 and not 15 years-old like she thought I was. (Side note: Yes, I'm often mistaken for a teenager. I look anywhere from 15-19 according to people.) I was shocked when she started using the foul language she used. Every other word was the f-bomb. This was on a bench outside of church, too. I kept thinking "How can someone be so disrespectful at church?" Granted, we weren't inside but we were still a couple of feet away. Talking to her and hearing her words, I mean really hearing her, made me very so blessed and thankful for the life I've had.

Even though I've had really sad things happen, I've been able to stay on a pretty good path. Even during my time away from the Church, I didn't go crazy. I never really went through a stage of teenage rebellion. I did sort of have a mini one when I was 18-19 but it was in the form of getting home a few minutes (like 10 minutes) later than I said I would be (coming home from a concert). That's not exactly rebellion, is it? lol. I never did anything anyone else was doing in my circle of "friends". That was my rebellion; not doing something because everyone was doing it. Though I did have some slip-ups, like lying and swearing (I call that the "Lost" part of my youth; all around the time I was away from the Church), I never got to the point of doing huge self-destructive things. I think God blessed me with enough common sense to not do those things. There have been a number of times where I could have easily strayed and done things I would've greatly regretted. Thankfully, I've always known how or when to get myself out of those situations. Once, I sent my friend an S.O.S. text, he called me and got me out of the situation and I'm forever grateful for it.

So, during my chat with the young woman, I thought about all I've gone through and I was so thankful to God for everything. I honestly feel so blessed to have had the experiences I've had (both good and bad) because they've gotten me to where I am in life. Though I have sinned (but, really, who hasn't?), I've confessed those sins and I've made a great effort to stay on the right path. And I owe it all to my faith and to God. Without my faith, prayer, and everything else I would be completely depressed and probably still sick from all the negative thoughts and feelings. If I didn't have the Rosary or my own little journal thing I keep to Our Lady (Blessed Mother), I would've been nutty (well, nuttier, lol).

Isn't it amazing how I got all of this from church though not through Mass? Of course, I would've stayed for the entire Mass if I hadn't felt lightheaded and faint like I did. And, of course, I would've learned a lot for today's readings. I think that this whole thing happened for a reason -- me leaving a few minutes early and chatting to the girl. It certainly made me appreciate everything, especially my parents. :D

Alright, well I think I've taken enough of your time for today. :D I have got to get back to cramming more Hinduism facts into my brain (so many deities in that religion...) so I can finish that paper.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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100th Post; Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary; White Hispanic: Que?!

Happy Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary day! Yes, I've made it into my own sort of holiday! :D I think it's entirely appropriate (and I LOVE the coincidence) that my 100th blog post landed on one of her feast days because of the devotion I have to her and the Rosary. Also, something not a lot of people know about, my journal is basically letters written to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I write to her as if she were going to physically receive the letters. It's my way of keeping her in my life on a daily basis (or semi-daily; depends on my schedule). It's been suggested that I turn the journal into a book because of the content but it's way too personal for me to do that. Maybe in the future, when I've lived my life, but not now. So now my friends know what I'm writing (I write the letters by hand; my novels and screenplays on computers).

Anyway, I get VERY happy on the Blessed Virgin's feast days because of my love for her. In my opinion, she is ultimate role model we women can have. No, I take that back; not only for women but for all. She was selfless, caring, giving... and she still is. I've never heard of her denying anyone help whenever they've prayed for her intercession. Whether the prayers are to her as Our Lady of Guadalupe, Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Fatima, etc, she will never let us down because we are her children. Her love and compassion for us is boundless. I've felt a strong connection to her basically since I was born. I was baptized at the Church of Our Lady Queen of the Angels (here in L.A.) which is dedicated to her. When the big 1994 Northridge earthquake happened, the big framed picture of her (as Our Lady of Guadalupe) that hung in my room was the only thing (along with a picture of me in my first communion dress) that didn't fall off the wall. More about that here. There are more examples but you get the gist. I think it's because of the connection I feel with her that I started praying the Rosary. And, I have to admit, she's a HUGE reason why I stopped being an inactive Catholic (ie- not attending Mass) 2 years ago. St. Jude also gets credit here but our Blessed Mother was really the "force" that really got me back to where I am today. For that, I am truly grateful. I hope everyone takes at least a minute out of their time, today, to give thanks to her for all she's done for us. Even if you've never asked for her intercession, remember that she was the one who gave birth to, and cared for, our Lord Jesus Christ. :D What better day to say at least one "Hail Mary" or at least one Rosary decade in her honor than on the day we celebrate her being named Queen of Heaven and Earth, of angels and saints? Go on, take a break from reading this blog and say a "Hail Mary"... I'll wait. :D Done? Good!

Deviating from the loveliness that is Our Blessed Mother, I want to ask something to the readers of this blog. Are any of you, who were born here (in the United States) and are of Hispanic and Latin heritage, bothered by the term "White Hispanic"? I don't know why but that term kind of makes me cringe. I usually say I'm American but of Hispanic heritage. I don't know; maybe I'm too sensitive to the phrasing but, honestly, I don't see the point of adding "White" in front of the Hispanic part. And don't get me started on how sometimes people don't think I'm Hispanic until I speak Spanish. Many jaws have been dropped when I've done that. lol. Physical traits and skin color is not going to help you figure out where a person's from. And if y'all think I'm making it up, wikipedia has a page just on this topic. Yes, take what's written on wikipedia with a grain of salt because people can edit the pages but it sounds legit. Anyway, if you have any comments on that, don't hesitate to leave me a comment or e-mailing me at my gmail address (it's part of my profile). I'm curious to hear what others have to say on the matter.

Anyway, I'm off to finish doing my e-mail and facebook rounds (make sure I've answered all messages) before praying the Rosary. Whoo! :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!
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