How the Blessed Virgin Mary Has Taught Me to Trust and Say "Fiat."

“And Mary said: Behold the handmaid of the Lord: be it done to me according to thy word.” (Luke 1:38).

Me, during the 2018 Rosary novena and St. Andrew Christmas novena: Lord, please help me imitate our Blessed Mother more closely.

Me, on March 25, 2020: Lord... I see what You're doing...

Lately, I've been reflecting a lot on how my relationship with the Blessed Virgin Mary has grown over the years. For years after my reversion, I felt like I couldn't turn to her because of how sinful I was (and am). I didn't think she would answer my prayers because of how often I failed her and her Son. Over the years, that has changed.

I pray the Rosary every single day (I think I've only missed 3 days in the last 2-3 years due to illness-induced exhaustion). I used the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary for several years before I started doing the Divine Office via the Monastic Diurnal. I've done the annual 54-day Rosary novena for over 10 years now. I do the Memorare emergency novena when I'm in a bind. I do the daily consecration prayer (which my parish priest introduced to be when we first met), which has been part of my daily routine for the past couple of years. I consecrated myself her in June 2018, something I wish I had done years earlier. In a nutshell, I'm a total Mama's girl! That is why I chose my Instagram username, lapetitefleurmariale -- the little Marian flower.

Today is a special feast day for me because of her words, "Be it done to me according to Thy word", have been a reoccurring theme in my life. When she became my co-patroness (along with St. Therese) for the year 2019, I didn't know I would be repeating them so often myself. In hindsight, I should've known since I had asked God to make me more like her in late 2018. I got a taste of it during Lent 2019 but I really had no clue just what else was coming after that. Still, I had no clue just what big things He was going to ask of me.

My first big test came when I had to travel to Chicago, on my first solo trip ever (and on an airplane by myself for the first time ever), not knowing a single soul at the retreat beyond Fr. Basil... who I had only communicated with via email. I felt called to become a Benedictine Oblate but didn't have the money to do so. He provided.

I got to the retreat center and found out that they had botched up my dietary restrictions and thought I was taking my own food, leaving me with nothing but the tortillas I took to eat. Instead of calling it a day and heading back home, I stuck it out. There was no way God had gotten me there without good reason. I barely ate and I sleep about 3 hours per night the entire time I was there but I somehow managed to survive it and the flight back home.

On the second day of the retreat, I ended up in the ER... and would find myself at various ERs over the next 6 months. My health had a major relapse. I'm still down at 113 lbs from 130 lbs prior to my relapse. My anemia got worse over the last couple of months. My platelets tanked to the lowest they've ever been (but still not low enough for transfusions) late last year. My diet got even more restricted. I developed bilateral optic nerve edemas that still cause temporary blindness when I wake up in the mornings or from naps. My dental health has plummeted in recent months, unsure of what's triggering the sudden changes. We're not sure what's going on with my liver, too. We don't know what exact autoimmune disease I have though signs are pointing to either MCAS or Sjogren's Syndrome (the later would explain both the edemas and the dental issues). Yet I find myself praying the Rosary for others in the ER, patiently (or trying to be patient) trusting Him with my health, and trying to find gratitude even in that chaos.

Then came the emotional tests.

First, big (and, unfortunately, ongoing) familial problems added to my health relapse. The one good thing that's come out of this pandemic is that it's helping mend the broken relationships I have with certain family members.

Then I had to abandon months of discernment and wedding planning with my best (guy) friend because I couldn't ignore God's call to discern consecrated virginity. Providentially, this happened during last year's 54-day Rosary novena. Mama Mary was interceding big time; there's no denying that. I had to give up the sense of stability and security with a man who loves me for one of uncertainty and total abandonment and trust in His Divine Providence. This is especially true since CVs have to financially support themselves, which has been hard for me to do with my health issues. Still, the unshakeable peace I feel makes me certain that this is God's will for me. That and, boy, has my love for Him grown in recent months. I know I sound like a broken record but I cannot imagine myself not being His bride.

With the quarantine (day 12 today), the increasingly grim news on the coronavirus (knowing I'm in one of the most vulnerable at-risk groups with my health issues), and the uncertainty of it all, let's just say the last 9 months have been difficult. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, I'm being stretched beyond my limits... but then a day like today comes along and reminds me of how every single thing that I go through is something that I must endure for the sanctification and purification of my soul.

I find myself growing more and more trusting in God and resigning myself more to His will, no matter how hard it gets. Last night, Mom found some physical signs that I might either have lower platelets or that my body is reacting to something, severity unknown. I had seen some but there was a new (and big) one, in an area that I can't see, that caused some alarm. I called my doctor today and have a telephone appointment with her tomorrow morning. I keep reminding myself that His will is what is best for me. That also goes with my coronavirus fears.

As I wrote on today's Instagram post caption, "I’m admittedly fearful of the unknown; of the sufferings I have yet to endure. I’m worried that I won’t get the Sacraments in time; that I won’t have a chance to do some good in this world while I can... but then I think back to Mama Mary. She said 'yes' despite the unknown. Even when St. Simeon told her of her future sufferings, she trusted Him completely. That gives me the strength I need to push aside my fears & continue saying 'yes' to God’s will for my life."

Of course, I will continue to pray that if it's part of God's will that I do get sick, that I may have enough time to get myself prepared -- both with health (there are some things I can do to help raise the red blood count levels) so that I can beat the odds and with the state of my soul (either getting into the confessional in time or being allowed to have a priest see me while there's still time) in either case. Yes, completely morbid to think about, but that is the reality of being a chronically ill Catholic in the midst of a pandemic. Life is not guaranteed but we must make the most of it and live as closely to God as we can.

Getting back to the point of this post: today reminds me that even in the middle of chaos, uncertainty, and suffering, God is always there. Look at Our Lady of Sorrows -- all the sufferings that the Blessed Virgin endured during her life. She watched her Son suffer and die in agony on the Cross for humanity. Yet, she remained faithful in humble obedience. She never waivered in her fiat. I want to be like her -- to always say my own "fiat"; to always say "yes" to all the little crosses that God asks me to carry for the rest of my life. (Side note: Our Lady of Sorrows has my most constant companion in the last 9 months, ever since the day I became an Oblate novice when my Oblate master gifted me a beautiful print that I've yet to find a frame for.)

I will continue to say "yes" to the sufferings, sacrifices, and sorrows that will undoubtedly come. Even if not now, in the future. In the midst of all those moments, I will try to remember the good, the beauty, and the love that is hidden in them.

I will also continue to say yes to the beautiful but difficult (for this impatient gal) moments that seem to be too far in the future.

I won't be able to make my Final Act of Oblation and become an official Benedictine Oblate (currently in my novitiate period) this summer as I had hoped but, God willing, I will after the pandemic dies down a bit... no pun intended. Right now it's looking like a Summer 2021 date for that. In the meantime, I will continue to grow in my spiritual life as a Benedictine.

The road to consecrated virginity will be a long one. We're looking at 2 years minimum, maybe 7 years maximum. I'm so grateful to continue receiving spiritual direction during this time (thank goodness for FaceTime since the L.A. Archdiocese has closed parishes, suspended Masses, and postponed the reception of Sacraments for another couple of weeks). I still don't know if Archbishop Gomez will allow me to go forward with the consecration (remember, bishops of the discerning CV's diocese have the final say and a "No" means it ends there) when the time comes to meet him and talk about my discernment process, but I will say "yes" to whatever path God leads me down. Whether it is (God willing; my heart is set on it) becoming a consecrated virgin, making private vows to virginity, or ultimately doing something else, I will accept His will for me. I keep hoping that what happened during one of my last trips to daily Mass (pre-quarantine) is a sign that I will become a CV.

Also, just a side note before I end this post: I had this moment a few weeks ago when I laughed upon realizing that God took my petition to become more like His Blessed Mother a lot more literally than I had in mind. I was praying to become less selfish, more charitable, more loving, more obedient, less feisty and defensive; less, well, incredibly flawed me. What I didn't expect was to be called to discern consecration virginity... but it makes sense. After all, she is the Queen of Virgins. She is the ultimate example of "vocation goals" for what life as a consecrated virgin should be. I see what You did there, Lord... and I welcome it, with my whole heart!

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with y'all. The post just came to mind while finishing the caption of the IG post. You know me; I write as I am inspired.

Mama Mary, thank you for being my ultimate role model; for being a beautiful example of true femininity. Thank you for your Fiat! Please continue to pray for me.

God, please continue to chip away my sinful habits and learn to become more and more like our Blessed Mother. I will always say "yes" to what You ask of me, even if it's increasingly difficult to do so -- difficult because I've grown comfortable in my own little bubble. Can I please be a bride of Christ? Really, that's all I want at this point! I want nothing more than to belong to Him. Please and thank you!

Happy feast of the Annunciation, everyone! Only 9 more months until Christmas! ;)

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

The End of My Digital Detox: The Dread and Humility

Three days.

I'm three days away from the end of my self-imposed digital detox month and I'm utterly dreading it. I mean, technically, I can stay off social media indefinitely but I really can't due to work. I've already had work-related issues due to my inability to be active on social media. I promised one of my editors that I would return to social media after this weekend because of that problem. Insert sigh here.

Note to self: if God ever wants me to take up a different career path, ask that it's one where I don't need to use social media for said job. Yes, His will be done, not mine, but it can't hurt to ask nonetheless. More on this in a bit.

I'm not dreading returning to social media because of the content but because of two big reasons:

1) I know I'm still having trouble exercising moderation...

and

2) I need the disconnect for the sake of my humility.

The first is a fear of returning and not having the willpower to not get sucked into it again. Moderation is the next thing I'm tackling in my quest to become a better version of myself and my return to social media is going to seriously test that. I have been having issues moderating a lot of things in my life, including the good things. In a nutshell, I get so laser-focused on and into something that I have problems stopping to do something else. It can be reading a good book, listening to a podcast or audiobook, writing, etc. I never noticed what a big problem it was until I was forced to really look at myself and see where my weaknesses are.

Actually, no. I take that back. I noticed it just once before: when I get "in the zone" when working on my latest novel and I forget to eat or drink because I'm so focused on getting everything down before I forget the idea that's in my head. However, I thought it was just an issue when I worked on novels. It took this detox to see that, nope, it's something that is a reoccurring issue and one I need to address.

As a Benedictine Oblate novice, I know I need to work on moderation because that's what St. Benedict prescribes in the Holy Rule. That's why our motto is Ora et labora -- prayer and work. We can't just focus on a single thing. We need that balance. And one of the biggest things I need to work on is not to do too much. Even doing too much is frowned upon. I think most (non-religious) people today would think that St. Benedict's Rule is too soft or useless because he actually advises against the workaholic and busyness tendencies that are so prevalent in our society. If you're not constantly doing something, that judgment (whether real or imagine) is there. Instead, moderation is advised. Work, prayer, leisure, food, etc. should be done in moderation. It's wonderful advice and I highly recommend reading the Rule even if you're not attracted to the Benedictine spirituality.

So, yes, I'm dreading it because I know I'm still a weakling when it comes to moderation but there is an even greater dread: the lack of humility that may come with it.

See, being on social media contributes to one's egoism... or, at least, it does to me. Yes, words of affirmation is my second love language (after quality time) but sometimes the compliments are a little too, well, ego-inflating. To be completely honest, sometimes the compliments go to my head even when I don't want them to. I recognize that God has given me a gift for words but having too many compliments isn't healthy for me. That's why I think I've loved being away from social media. Nothing seeing how many "likes" a tweet or shared link gets -- and not knowing who has liked it or who hasn't bothered -- is amazingly freeing.

Furthermore, not being so hyper-connected helped me see just how few friends I actually have. There were probably only half a dozen people with whom I had regular contact with over this break. People who I thought would stay in touch -- people whose contact information I asked for and who I gave my information to -- have been absent these last 29 days. Do you know how humbling it is to realize how many people don't actually care about what's going on with you? It's fantastic! Yes, I truly mean that.

It's done me a world of good to see how completely and utterly unimportant I am. For all I know, only I will ever read this blog post... and that's okay. In fact, that takes a lot of pressure off of me because I don't feel like people expect me to write or be something that I'm not. It's also made me realize that what I truly want is to live my life in the way that I believe God wants for me and to not care about what others think.

As I've already mentioned in Ch-ch-changes: Reflections and Changes Following My Digital Detox Month, I'm changing the way I use social media for my own good. There are three big changes I'm implementing:

1. I will check social media only once a day, twice a week. I'm serious. I'll check in on Sundays and on Thursdays... and only for a total half hour each time. Trust me, I've come to see just how little I actually need social media. I'll most likely check at the end of the day, too.

2. I will only post as necessary; as I have been doing during the digital detox. Not only will I be cognizant of how often I post...

3. I'm also going to be more careful about what I communicate. Silence and only speaking when necessary are instructed in the Rule. As I had mentioned in the Ch-ch-changes post, my beloved Monks of Norcia have adopted this practice. I've seen the fruits of it, not just with the monks but also with the graces that have flowed out to us Oblates (and Oblate novices) as a result. I told y'all they were the perfect fit (read: spiritual community) for me.

I want to remind myself how little and unimportant I am to everyone else. I know that God loves and cares about me -- that I'm not unimportant to Him -- but that's not egotistic. His love isn't just for me. He doesn't love me more than anyone else. He loves everyone; desires the salvation of the souls of all humanity, even those who reject Him. Thinking about things this way is humbling, in a good way. I understand why so many young men and women enter monasteries and convents (or become hermits) where they desire to be forgotten by the world. To only think about serving others and doing your duties for God and out of the love you have for Him is the only way to live if you ask me. Alas, I'm sadly not called to religious life but, hey, consecrated virginity is still a possibility. Marriage and motherhood would also allow me to do this but I've honestly begun hoping that I'm called to consecrated virginity.

Earlier in the post, I mentioned something about a possible career change. Lately, I've been wondering if God is perhaps calling me to do something other than writing while still using the gift of words He gave me. There is one career that would allow me to do this; one which would allow me to help others in a way I can't with writing. No one but the people with whom I would directly work with would know about this, too. It would be a big change -- and I would need to get myself into more student-loan debt to achieve it -- so I'm going to spend a lot of time in prayer before I make a decision. It's not going to be a decision I make anytime soon. I want to give myself time to spend many Holy Hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament to pray about it and talk to God about it.

Yes, I would still write, even if it's just my blog, novels, and the odd article here and there. I don't think I could ever stop writing; it's in my very nature to always write, even if no one reads it. (side note: I love getting physical notebooks for a reason). The more I fall in love with Christ and the bigger the desire to die to myself, to serve others, and to be thoughts insignificant by the world, the more this route makes sense. But, as always, we'll see if it's God's will for me. Perhaps He wants me to keep writing or do something else. This is why I need the time to think and pray.

Anyway, just some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my mind. There is another post I'm really excited to post but I'm saving that for St. Agatha's feast day. You (if anyone else reads it, that is) will see why I waited until her feast day to share it.

That's it for now. I hope y'all have had a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

It's official... I'm in love!

It's official... I'm in love! No, this is no clickbait title. I truly am in love.

I'm in "thinking only about them and not about myself" love.

I'm in "I would sacrifice my creature comforts; sacrifice that which gives me little moments of joy and pleasure for them" love.

I'm in "I finally understand what it means to truly be in love" love.

What brought this realization? Ven. Fulton Sheen's Three to Get Married.

I've been trying to finish this book for months now. Sadly, I'm still nowhere near done because I underline and leave a lot of comments in the margin. A lot -- it's that good! I often pause and think about what I've read and how it pertains to me before continuing. It's actually become part of my Lectio Divina routine since it is considered spiritual reading.

But, even before it became part of my (now) daily reading requirement, it was a source of a lot of food for thought. Even before I realized that I might've been called to something other than marriage and family (at least, in the traditional sense), it had begun changing my mindset on what love truly was and what it meant to me. To this day, the deeper I go into it, the more things make sense to me -- and the more I realize how truly in love I am!

After discussing wedding plans and what my future life with a certain someone would look like (when I was discerning marriage with said person), I decided to dust off the book and read it. It had been sitting on my bookshelf for years, gathering dust since I was determined not to get ahead of myself. No, I wanted to read it until I had begun discerning marriage with someone. I kept telling myself that I had no use for it "right now" because I had been single for so long. Now I regret not having read it sooner.

Yesterday, it got me to reflect on my past "loves" -- the (very, very few) young men I thought I had been in love with at some point in my life. Upon further reflection, I came to realize that I had been misusing the word for most of those crushes and/or relationships. It wasn't the kind of love God had intended. It was what Pope St. John Paul II would call utilitarian love; a love in which I thought about how it could be useful to me and what it could do for me. I know that sounds horrible but that's what my immature mind and heart craved for a long time in my teens into the early part of my reversion. There was a selfish component in which my feelings were at the forefront; where I only wanted what I wanted and, sure, I thought about them, too, but I was more focused on myself.

I wish I could say that I grew out of it but I would be lying if I didn't admit that it had crept up again in recent experiences. I thought about how the other person made me happy. Sure, I wanted what was best for them, too, but I would still think about myself and avoiding getting hurt in any way. I thought about how dependent I had become on them for my happiness and security. I had begun overlooking things that didn't sit well with me; things I knew, deep down, I should've spoken up against more often and without fear. Not fear of God but fear of how they would react and how much it would hurt me. Are we seeing the selfish pattern?

I had let the euphoric highs dictate things for far too long. They should've been -- and were when I didn't ignore them -- the first red flags that things weren't right but I was so caught up in my emotions. That's not to say I didn't have my lows. I did. When I came crashing down to earth, I hit hard and I ended up hating myself for it. Yes, hating myself. The passions were strong in me. But then another high would come and it would undo my resolution to not let myself be caught up in those feelings. It wasn't until Our Lady stepped in and interceded that I knew things couldn't continue. That's when I began on the path I'm currently on.

After all those reflections, I came to the conclusion that I've been in love -- in the true sense of the word as I'm coming to understand it -- only once in my life. I will say that I am so grateful that I can claim that the only person I've ever truly loved (in a romantic sense) is someone whom I still admire and respect.

"So," you may be wondering, "are you saying that you're still in love with said person? Is this your big, romantic gesture towards them?"

No. Although I'm truly grateful for having had that experience, there is no future -- at least, not in the romantic sense, for him and I. He is someone I still care deeply for but I've realized that I'm in love with Someone Else. In a surprising (or unsurprising, perhaps) plot twist, I actually came to realize how truly in love I am with Christ! Insert your own surprising level here. Go ahead, I'll wait for whatever reaction you're having to pass. lol.

The more I think about love and the more I think about the possibility of beginning my official discernment to consecrated virginity, the more it makes sense to me. There was always something lacking in my past relationships and crushes. Even with the only man I had ever felt true love for, I couldn't picture a future with him. There was a reason for it, which now makes me laugh in hindsight. He taught me about what it was to love unselfishly and what it meant to will the good of the other but I could never picture myself married to him for a reason I now understand. With the rest, perhaps I could've seen a future with them but I can now see why things didn't work out; why things worked out as they have. God has opened my eyes to see where there would've been major problems. I can see where we would've been unhappy and where the love would've continued down a utilitarian route. Perhaps not just (or at all) on my side but I could see where there would've been a breakdown in loving the other person as God intended. I didn't want to be used nor did I want to use the other person so I'm grateful for everything that has happened to date. I now fully understand why things never truly felt right to me in any of those relationships.

So, yes, I have come to realize that I have fallen in love with Christ. When I think about the ultimate and greatest act of love mankind has ever known -- His crucifixion and death for the salvation of all of humanity -- the more I understand what love and the more I want to imitate that love. And by that, I mean that I want to fully die to myself and serve others. I want to let go of my selfishness and be more charitable. In a nutshell, I want to become even more Benedictine  -- to humble myself so that others always come before me; to serve; to become as little and unimportant as possible. Okay, so that last part is also partly St. Therese-inspired.

Just as Christ loved His Church, I want to do what I can for her. As fragile and feeble as I am, I can still offer up my ailments and moments of distress for the clergy and the good of the Church. I want to give as much of myself as I can. I want to give the rest of my life for His greater glory in whichever way I can. The beautiful part is that I know I can do -- and have begun doing -- this as a Benedictine Oblate. As a novice, I've already seen how my life has changed for the better; how my heart is opening to the plea of others in a way I haven't seen in many years. I had unintentionally hardened my heart in recent years. Now, it's all begun to revert to how things were prior to this hardening. All credit goes to my being an Oblate novice. Just the thought of making my Final Act of Oblation fills me with tears of joy and happiness.

Furthermore, I can also do this as a consecrated virgin. If it's God's will -- and my Oblate master, spiritual director, and Archbishop Gomez agree -- I will begin my official discernment soon. I'm still waiting to hear from my Oblate master; to make sure a discernment won't interfere with my novitiate as I know we cannot make certain vows as Oblates. I also have my next spiritual direction meeting coming up. To say I'm excited to see what God has in store for me is an understatement.

If for whatever reason God doesn't will for me to become a consecrated virgin, I will accept it. If He wants me to stay single but simply make private vows, I will do it. If He is just preparing my heart for a man with whom I can live out this love for Christ, I also accept it. I meant it when I said I wanted nothing more than to do His will for my life.

The only thing I'm certain of -- the only thing that brings me simultaneous joy and peace -- is that I am called to become a Benedictine Oblate. And, as an Oblate, I am called to love and serve God and others with the gifts He has given me.

So, that's where I am. This was no clickbait title. I am in love and a deep love at that. My heart overflows with it, especially now that it's becoming softer. Just when I thought it wasn't possible for me to love God any more, my heart grows and expands, surprising (yet not) me in the process.

Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to explore this love for God and discern my vocation in the process. I continue to pray for you all as well. :)

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!

Ch-ch-changes: Reflections and Changes Following My Digital Detox Month

Yes, I know -- I still have a week to go before my digital detox month is up and I can return to social media. However, next week is looking like it's going to be a busy one so I decided to post this a week early since I don't think anything will change in the week that's left.

In a nutshell, this week has been one long reflection on my use of social media as well as the fate of this blog. No, I am not closing down this blog. I may one day, but I don't foresee it happening, despite the lack of readership since blogs are no longer "in." But it, along with my use of social media, will be seeing a big change overall. The reason for it? It goes back to my relationship with God and my life as a Benedictine Oblate novice.

Long story short, though I have not been able to get away from screens as much I would've liked (articles need to be written, prayer requests need to be sent, and urgent calls need to be made), I have found a good balance that will work best for me. That was the whole point of this digital detox month and one of the intentions in my novena to the Holy Family at the start of the year. I wanted to learn how to best utilize the internet for good, not just mindless entertainment or a way to waste time. In these last 3+ weeks since I began my digital detox, I've been able to do just that and, in a surprising twist, the events of Tuesday and the subsequent blog post were the turning point for me.

I won't reiterate what happened on Tuesday but I had a feeling it was a teaching moment for me. I wrote as much at the end of the post. What I noticed in the following days was that I ended up feeling, well, uncomfortable about what I wrote. It's all true; I despise lying. But I felt like it was time for me to rethink what I share after feeling like I shouldn't have shared as much as I did on the post. Yes, my health issues are a big part of my journey (they often shape the trajectory of my decisions and actions), but I made the decision to no longer share details or much on that front in general.

I'm going to go the "ninja" route I take for my personal life and not post about them unless it's a major breakthrough or component to my spiritual journey. I once shared so much because I would often get messages from people thanking me for being so open about the struggles. They wrote that it helped them feel like they weren't alone in their own health struggles. But, I no longer feel like I need to do that. In fact, it doesn't feel right.

Instead, I feel like God wants me to focus on the "right, good, and true" that I experience in my life as a Catholic young woman who discerning the vocation of consecrated virginity and on the brink of making her Final Act of Oblation as a Benedictine Oblate. So, that's what I'm going to do. Basically, I'm going to focus on writing about my spiritual journey. It echoes the decision I made when I opened my public Instagram account where I share faith-based pictures and reflections. Trust me, there is a lot that I can write about just on my discernment of consecrated virginity alone.

The biggest reason for this is because, as I said, I feel like this is what God is calling me to do. Some people are great speakers and evangelizers. I'm not one of them. I'm not a great speaker; I stumble on and mumbles my words. I don' have that confidence speaking out on the faith as apologists do because I'm so worried about unintentionally leading people astray. That's why I write. I can think about what I want to say before I say it. I often write about what I do know and most of that is based on my own experience and studies. (Side note: what an appropriate day to say this; happy feast of St. Francis de Sales, patron of writers!). I feel like God has given me a gift of being able to connect with others through the written word and that's why I continue to write.

Furthermore, I've been reflecting on The Rule of St. Benedict and how he asked his monks not to speak unless necessary; to be careful with the words they used. My beloved monks of Norcia have begun using sign language and speak as little as often (read: only when necessary) for the same reason. As an Oblate novice, this got me thinking about how I use words... and how careless I can be with them. I was a chatterbox as a child but, as I got older and became more introverted, that changed. Social media gave me a reason to return to my chatterbox ways... but I've seen just how shallow and utterly pointless some of those words can be. So, I'm going to take a cue from my spiritual father (St. Benedict) and spiritual home (Norcia) and be more careful with my words. I'm also going to do this in person but I don't see most of y'all offline so this just an additional "heads up" to friends I do actually see and talk to offline.

I made this decision before I read the National Catholic Register's article on Catholics' reflections on the last decade of social media. Reading it just reaffirmed the decision to use social media as sparingly as possible and to be more careful about what I share on it and on this blog. It feels like the right time to step back and be more intentional with the use of both the blog and social media. I guess the Holy Family did listen to my prayers because I'm starting to see the fruit of it.

Of course, there's more that goes along with this decision but those changes are of slightly different natures so I'll just leave that for the next post. All I'm going to say is that this digital detox month has been good for me. I feel calmer and less stressed out. I feel less pressured to be "on" at all times. And, most importantly, I like the transformation that's begun internally. God is definitely still making big changes in my life; changes for the better. :)

That is it for now. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers; you are all in mine. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Starting My Digital Detox: The Rules and the Feelings

Just before I started this blog post, I almost broke down crying. Why? Because I'm overwhelmed and burnt out. Hearing text messages -- especially multiple sent back-to-back, seeing my notifications on social media explode, having people I don't know give their opinions on my life and decisions... it's all too much for me.

When I asked for prayers a couple of weeks ago, stating that I haven't been well for a while, I wasn't kidding. I'm beyond stressed out and my mental and emotional health are barely hanging on. I don't normally share this but I'm going through an incredibly difficult time in my personal life right now. I'm also emotionally exhausted from the ups and (mostly) downs of my health ailments. I want to cry all the time and the toll of it all has begun affecting my health as well. It's like a vicious circle that doesn't end. I've reached my breaking point. That's why I decided, weeks ago, to take a digital detox break. I wish I had started it sooner, though, because I've been on the verge of tears all day today.

I'm so grateful to everyone who follows me and interacts with me on social media... but it seems that I can't post anything these days without at least 3 people contradicting me, telling me what to do, or trying to dissuade me from what I've decided. This is especially true when it comes to health and faith matters. I know most have the best intentions but it's too much for me. I'm going through one of the most emotionally draining times of my life and having these types of comments are not helpful. In fact, they make me feel worse.

I didn't want this to be a venting post. I'm sorry if it came across that way but I wanted y'all to understand why I've decided to do this.

So, what will my break (hopefully) look like? Here are my rules for the next month:

Smartphone usage:
- I'm keeping my phone in a separate room from me while I'm at home. It will be kept on "do not disturb" mode all day. The only calls that will go through are from my mother, my older brother, and my best friend (who is in wedding planning stress mode; please say a prayer for her). I'll have the ringer on just for them so I can hear when they call -- and they only call when it's absolutely necessary.
- I will check for important messages and calls for 5 minutes only after each of Divine Office hours. So, after 6 a.m., 9 a.m., noon, 3 p.m., 6 p.m., and 9 p.m. while I'm awake. After 9 p.m., I won't check messages until the next morning. If I see no messages during my breaks, I'll just move forward with other plans that don't involve my phone.
- I will reply to urgent prayer requests and messages during those 5-minute breaks.
- If someone wants to chat, I will make the time (in advance) to do so. That can be on the phone or in person. Snail mail is also welcomed. This rule applies to only those I know offline or who I've trusted enough with my personal information.
- The only social media app I have on my phone -- Instagram -- will be deleted for the month.

Laptop usage:
I can't completely leave all screens behind for the entire month because, as a freelance writer, I need to do research and submit articles but I will be limiting the use of them overall.
- I will access my email only when I'm on my laptop. The limit will be 3x per day -- once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once at night. The limit will be for 5 minutes during the day breaks and 30 minutes at night.
- I'm leaving all non-work or personal emails for the weekends. I will reply to non-urgent personal emails at the end of the day but anything that comes from a mailing list (e.g. articles and blog posts) will be left until the weekend.
- I will do most of my writing offline and will then transfer it to the appropriate mediums as needed.
- The laptop will be used only to write, research, link, and respond to emails during the week. Once those things have been taken care of, I will turn it off until I need it for productivity reasons. I'm giving myself limited time over the weekend to catch up on articles and blogs.
- All social media posts to links to my articles and blog posts will be sent through Hootsuite and some will get scheduled if I have more than one to share per day.
- I'm avoiding all streaming content all month that isn't necessary for work (and it rarely is). The exception to this rule is when I'm visiting someone who has streaming content on, e.g. a movie or music.
- I've had the Freedom app in place since last year and I will add even more restrictions to it in case of temptations. It's already helped me out a lot since I got it in April. (And, yes, that's an affiliate link; just a heads up.)

TVs and iPods:
- If I want to watch anything, it'll have to be on TV, either via the blu-ray player or the antenna we use to watch local channels.
- In the spirit of the detox, I'm also limiting how often I use these mediums. I'll use them only when there's someone else watching it (e.g. my mother or if a friend visits).
- I will most likely use my iPod touch the most during the break but with the WiFi turned off. I have a ton of music I've purchased over the years downloaded onto it for when I'm away from the radio and/or want to listen to audiobooks. No, audiobooks won't be streamed; they'll be downloaded. Ditto with podcasts.
- I have radio access at home and in my car to listen to Classical KUSC (since it's local) so that also takes care of the possibility of wanting to listen to something new on my monthly break.

I have a lot of plans to keep myself occupied. Even when I'll be resting (because I'm still at the beginning of my physical recovery mode), I'll have physical books to read, a guitar to play, some modern calligraphy to practice (I'm making the place cards for another best friend's wedding), and sewing to learn. Oh, yes, and lots of places to visit and things to do outside the house when I'm able to get out for a little while.

I'm doing this detox for two main reasons:

1) In hopes to disengage from being so hyper-connected in hopes that it will help my mental health. I don't want to have to go through a mental breakdown while trying to recuperate my physical health as well. I need peace. I need quiet. I need to not worry about anything except getting myself healthy once again and doing God's will (more on that in a bit). If I'm bored (and it's good to be bored; it helps with your creativity), I'll just have to opt for high-quality leisure activities after work and prayers are done.

2) Most importantly, in hopes to discern my vocation AND get ready for my Final Act of Oblation in a couple of months. I need to quiet my mind and my heart so that I can hear God more clearly. I may not currently know what my vocation is but I have zero doubts in my mind that I'm called to be an Oblate. Thus, I need to really embrace the Benedictine lifestyle now that I'm not sleeping, bedridden or dealing with other physical obstacles most days like I was for the first couple of months of my novitiate. I need to spend even more time in prayer and doing Lectio Divina. I need to attend Mass and do Holy Hours as frequently as I can. I've given myself the goal to learn the Act of Oblation and other prayers in Latin as well so I have work to do.

There are a number of things I'll be working on during this month to prepare myself -- especially to better myself as a Benedictine Oblate -- but I think I'll leave those details for future blog posts. And, yes, I do firmly intend to blog more often because I have a lot of really exciting things coming up.

So, those are my plans from tomorrow (World Introvert Day) through Candlemas (February 2nd). Once my detox is over, I'll share with y'all my details on how I'll slowly reintroduce social media and other digital devices; what the changes will be and what will be completely eliminated.

Alright, I guess that's it for now. Please say a prayer for me during this time. Of course, I will keep y'all in my prayers as well! I hope to blog again before the week ends but don't quote me on that. There's a couple of things I want to do offline first. That's why I finished and submitted my work yesterday as well; to have the rest of the week off to focus on that. Let's just say that I'm taking "World Introvert Day" seriously tomorrow and I might extend it through the weekend. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely New Year's Eve and Day. Merry Christmas (until Candlemas for me but Epiphany for most Catholics).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Gift to Baby Jesus: My Heart and Vocation Discernment

"This is my Chrismas/birthday gift to you, baby Jesus. I'm letting go, once and for all."

With those uttered words, I took a deep breath and I finally let go of something I had reluctantly been holding onto for so long. I was going to wait until Christmas to "pull the trigger" but it became abundantly clear that I couldn't keep putting it off any longer. There were too many "signs" and circumstances that I couldn't ignore. The fact that it all happened on the last day of the 54-day Rosary novena was no coincidence either. Of that, I am sure. So, I let go. And, please, no one start singing that Frozen song. lol.

This is the first time I "give" a gift to the child Jesus but it was something that has been slowly growing in my heart in recent weeks. What it is that I let go, I can't publicly state out of respect for those involved but it was something that needed to be done in order to go forward with my discernment to consecrated virginity. Surprise! Or not. lol. I know those following me on Twitter and Instagram won't be surprised as I've mentioned it enough over the last couple of weeks but it will be for those not following me on those platforms who do read this blog.

Yes, you read that right: I am beginning my discernment to consecrated virginity. It has not been an easy road. The idea has come up more than once over the years but I've always stubbornly fought it because I was sure I was called to marriage and family. Then I discerned that and, well, there was something still missing. Don't get me wrong. I felt happy... but there was a God-shaped hole I just couldn't ignore.

To be honest, I hated not belonging fully to God; to feel like my heart was divided in two and that He wasn't getting more of me than He was getting. It didn't feel right to me. Of course, there's more to the story but it came down to my feeling pulled away from God and being miserable about it. Slowly, things began unraveling and the discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity became more and more clear. Once St. Agatha came up as my patroness for the year 2020 in the Saint's Name Generator (and then St. Philomena decided to officially join the party as my co-patroness; I'll write more about her soon), I knew I could no longer ignore the call.

As hard as letting go might've been (and it was!), I felt a tremendous peace doing it because I knew that it was what God was calling me to do. As a wise friend reminded me earlier this week, sometimes God calls us to sacrifice something for Him; to show Him that we're willing to follow Him instead of our own selfishness inclinations. Of course, I will continue to pray for those involved. I wish them peace and happiness. I also hope they understand that I couldn't, in good conscience, ignore God's call.

I am incredibly blessed to have the support of so many people -- friends and online acquaintances alike -- at the start of this journey. I don't have the full support of the most important person in my life, but I knew that going forward. God warned us that we would meet opposition when we gave everything up to follow Him, but it's something I'm willing to do. I know God, through the intercessions of Our Lady, St. Agatha, and St. Philomena, will grant me the fortitude necessary.

I don't know if this will ultimately be my vocation. I actually won't get to decide that either -- it'll be Archbishop Gomez! Yes, you read that correctly. I may discern all I want with my spiritual director but if Archbishop Gomez -- after hearing why I discerned this vocation and how I arrived to my conclusion that God may be calling me to this -- doesn't think it's truly what God is calling me to do, that will be the end of that. In obedience (as both a Benedictine Oblate and someone trying to properly discern this vocation), I will have to accept whatever decision he makes. Of course, I will pray that the Holy Spirit helps him arrive at the "final verdict" that is in accordance with God's will for my life. Still, it may end up being a long, hard discernment road that may end up with me back where I started.

The unknown can be anxiety-inducing, especially to someone who likes to make plans, but this is where I need to put my money where my mouth is. Do I truly trust God with childlike faith? I better do so because there is so much uncertainty right now. All I know is that God has cleared the path for me to move forward with my discernment and that is what I'm going to do. If anything, I will come out of this having discerned all the vocations and I will have no doubt as to what God is calling me to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with you on this beautiful Christmas Day.

Happy birthday, baby Jesus! I love You so much that I give You my whole heart and my entire vocation discernment. May God's will be done, not mine.

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying this beautiful day with your loved ones.

Oh, and happy anniversary to me! Today marks 12 years (whooooa!) since I started this blog. We're still just at the beginning of this adventure, y'all! Thank you so much for continuing to follow, support, and encourage me along the way. I pray for you all every time I do my nighttime prayers. :)

God bless you all!

FAQ on My Benedictine Oblate Journey and Oblates in General

Holding my blessed Benedictine Oblate scapular, right after the novitiate ceremony.

Yesterday, I mentioned my goal of learning the Final Act of Oblation entirely in Latin in preparation for the event next summer, via Twitter. That set off a bunch of questions about my journey as an Oblate and what a Benedictine Oblate is in the first place. This was not the first time I've gotten these kinds of questions, either. It seems a lot of people are interested in knowing either what it means to be an Oblate (as it's not as popular as being a third-order Carmelite or Dominican) and/or my journey so here is a short FAQ that I hope will answer some of the most common questions I get.

• 1. Why did you want to become an Oblate?

This is a really, really long story that I've already written about here. The gist of it is that I felt called to become a lay member of a religious order. If I couldn't be a nun (which I had wanted), I could still be a lay member. It's something that had been on my heart for several years. For years I went between the Carmelites and Dominicans. Then three things happened within a relatively short span of time. The 2016 Norcia earthquake decimated the town, including the basilica built over St. Benedict's birthplace/home. Never had any news felt so personal to me than that. I ended up donating novel royalties to help them rebuild their community because it felt like my own home was impacted. Then I read The Benedict Option by Rod Dreher. Yes, the book is "controversial" but it sparked my curiosity about the Benedictine order and the Rule. I read The Rule and it just clicked for me; it fit my temperament and how I envisioned living my life to best serve God. Then my best friend sent me a book on the Oblate life and it sealed it for me.

• 2. Where are you an Oblate novice? Which monastery?

I am an Oblate novice with the Monks of Norcia in Norcia, Italy. Yes, the same community whose home was destroyed in the earthquake. They are actually still rebuilding their community, 3+ years after the earthquake. If you feel so inclined, please donate here. The Italian government decided not to give them the basilica to rebuild again so they headed up the mountains. I'm not a happy camper about the decision made by the government but my beloved community has made the most of it and they're doing such a great job starting (basically) from scratch.

• 3. How did you choose the monastery you attached yourself to?

First, I looked at all of my options. I looked at the local Benedictine monasteries, meaning St. Andrew's Abbey in Valyermo (within the Los Angeles Archdiocese) and those in California. I also looked into Benedictine monasteries that took in distance oblates. My current spiritual advisor suggested I stick to a traditional community since I attend the Latin Mass solely and am "trad" minded. It ended up coming down to Clear Creek Abbey in Oklahoma and Norcia in Italy. In the end, Norcia won for several different reasons, beginning with the fact that it's felt like home since I first learned about its existence. They're also a musically-inclined community (their Benedicta: Marian Chant album is excellent; you can watch a video on it here) which was perfect for this music nerd. Once I met our Oblate master, I knew it was the perfect fit for me. I love the entire community; the monks and my fellow Oblates. When they all rallied behind me when I got sick at the retreat, despite not knowing me, I knew it was just the kind of family I needed. Norcia is my home -- my spiritual home -- and I could not have picked a better place for myself. I hope to visit it as soon as health and finances allow it.

• 4. When will you become a full-fledged Oblate?

God willing, next summer. The novitiate period is usually no less than a year and a day for most Oblates. It might be slightly shortened for me because our annual retreat might happen before the year mark of the beginning of my novitiate (June 30, 2019). I'm going to wait to see how it all plays out -- if they're going to change the location or dates. I definitely intend to make it to the annual retreat next summer, wherever and whenever it's held.

• 5. Are you getting an Oblate name? Did you get to pick it?

I did ask for an Oblate name at the retreat this past summer so, yes, I will be getting one. However, I won't know what the name will actually be until right before I make my Final Act of Oblation. Most monasteries allow Oblates to choose their names but, at our particular monastery, the prior chooses them for us. I was going to choose "Francesca" in honor of St. Frances of Rome (patroness of Benedictine Oblates and fellow "God, I won't want to do this, but I'll do it because you want me to" kindred spirit) and my best girlfriend, Francesca, who has continuously challenged me to become the best and holiest version of myself over the years. My Oblate master warned us not to say which names we wanted because it was almost guaranteed that we wouldn't get it so... totally don't want "Francesca" or any of the other 2 names I'm hoping for! lol.

• 6. So, what is an Oblate? Is it like a third-order made up of lay members?

This one is a little complicated so I'll try to explain it as plainly as I can. It's not a third-order like the lay Carmelites or Dominicans. We don't attach ourselves to local "chapters"; we attach ourselves to specific monasteries and are then considered as part of that specific community. That means that I'm now a member of my community -- one of their newest "little sisters" -- but not a member of any other Benedictine community/monastery. Also, not all of us are "secular Oblates." Yes, most of us are but not all. Just in my own community alone, we have a couple of diocesan priests who have attached themselves to the monastery. Yes, it's allowed as long as you're not a part of any other religious order.

• 7. What is asked of Benedictine Oblates?

This answer varies from monastery to monastery but, basically, there a few things in common. First, the motto "Ora et labor" tells you everything. Work and prayer are part of our daily routine, as is Lectio Divina (the study part that isn't part of the motto). For me, in particular, I pray as many of the Hours as possible. That means praying the Little Benedictine Office, the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary, or the Monastic Diurnal. That part, at least for my community, is up to us. We also have to adapt the Rule of St. Benedict to fit our specific lives, in whichever season of life we are. As a single woman, I have more time for prayer and Lectio Divina right now. As someone recovering from illness, work means freelance articles when my fatigue and eyesight allow it. It also means my "ministry" is evangelization via social media (particular through my articles for Epic Pew, this blog, Twitter, and Instagram). My hospitality is confined to what I can do when we have visitors over at our apartment. In the future, it might be the reverse; more work, less prayer, and ministry and hospitality outside the home.

• 8. You mentioned wanting to be buried in a Benedictine habit when you die, in a tweet. Is this allowed? 

Yes, it is. I've heard some places will allow you to wear habits as a secular Oblate, with special permission, but I believe it's extremely rare. It's more likely allowed upon death. I don't know if this varies from monastery to monastery but I believe my community does allow us to be buried in Benedictine habits. So, yes, I want this to happen when my time comes.

• 9. I'm interested in becoming an Oblate. How can I make this happen?

First, read the Rule of St. Benedict. If the Benedictine spirituality is something that speaks to you and you become even more curious about becoming an Oblate, I'd recommend speaking to your spiritual advisor/director about it. My former SD urged me to wait until I was done with school and had more time to focus on the discernment when life was less crazy because it does take time to discern. After I finished school, I was able to discern which religious order and spirituality I felt called to incorporate into my life. Remember, I was discerning between two completely different orders and the Benedictines ended up winning. Speak to other Oblates, read books on life as on Oblate, and go from there. 

Anyway, I hope this helps some of y'all out. I'm in no way an expert so I answered based on my own experience what I've learned over the last 2-3 years.

Please keep me in your prayers as I continue my journey and try to fine-tune some areas of the Oblate life that I haven't had much of a chance to work on with my illnesses and limitations.  

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Introducing: "La Petite Fleur Mariale"

Seeing (no pun intended) how I can't always write a lot due to my current eyesight problems, I decided to start a new way of sharing my Benedictine oblate journey: an Instagram account. Now, I've had one (an IG account) for years but I've always kept it private because, well, I'm a private person. Yes, I have a blog and I'm very open online... but, if you haven't noticed, I also don't share too much. My ninja status when it comes to my relationships tipped you off, didn't it? lol. However, I was inspired to start an account to document my journey more frequently as IG posts take literally a couple of minutes to get everything done.

I started the account (@lapetitefleurmariale) on the feast of all the saints in the Benedictine order, November 13. I didn't do it on purpose, either; it just felt like it was the right time to do it and then I realized what day it had been... almost two days later. lol. I actually had to go back and edit the caption to reflect the realization. A little slow over here, y'all. lol. Don't you just love when things work out that way? I see you, Holy Spirit!

If you're wondering about the name, I explained it on the first post... which I might actually delete. I'm not much of a selfie gal and that picture is a couple of years old anyway. In case I do delete the post, the name is a French translation of "the little Marian flower." Or, at least, I hope it is. My French is incredibly rudimentary. It was inspired by both the Blessed Virgin Mary and St. Therese who are both my co-patron saints this year and who have been my biggest heavenly allies through some of the more difficult times this year. During last year's 54-day Rosary novena, I asked to become more like our Blessed Mother. I still have a loooong way to go but I've already seen her loving intercession in my life. Also, St. Therese -- my heavenly big sister and kindred spirit -- has been instrumental in my spiritual growth this year. I couldn't have asked for a better duo to help me this year. I'm actually contemplating them keeping them my co-patronesses for next year again. Stay tuned for that. ;)

I'm still going to blog, of course, as I can't always get everything written in an IG post but I will be sharing my faith journey on there more often. I'm also going to probably be a little more candid in my blog posts than IG stories. I intend to use that account to share little moments of my day that are faith-related. Yes, it's a faith-based account and I plan to keep it that way. What exactly does that mean? Think saint quotes and little stories about my faith journey. I don't foresee myself using it to give updates like I do on Twitter. I also doubt I'll post many personal pictures that involve my face. I'm still a little uncomfortable sharing those types of pictures online to strangers. That's why I might eventually pull the first picture. We'll see.

Anyway, this is just a quick post in case anyone wants to follow the journey on Instagram. I won't be accepting DMs nor will I be following everyone back. That's not because I don't care about y'all -- I do! It's just a precaution to keep myself from being overwhelmed on IG.  That's why I have my personal account private and why I don't add just anyone. I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person), y'all; too much stimulation or information overload isn't good for me and actually affects my eyesight. Yes, there's been an obvious correlation there that we've noticed the day follow unusually high-stress days.

And now I'm off to spend the rest of my day relaxing with a podcast after yesterday's Twitter argument. Yeah, someone please talk me out of it before I get too stressed.

Living The Benedictine Oblate (Novice) Life While Sick

Picture after the Oblate novitiate ceremony and scapular investiture; this marked the official beginning of my novitiate.

This morning, I heard from my Oblate master and it filled my heart with such a beautiful and immense peace and joy. I wish I had the ability to express just how lovely it felt to receive that email.

A couple of weeks ago, I sent him an email detailing my health journey. I mean, I also asked him questions about how to strengthen my spiritual life, but I updated him on life so he'd know what to advise. Today, I received a follow-up that made me very happy.

Since they're very busy out in Norcia (yes, they're still building their new monastery after the 2016 earthquake leveled their monastery; please feel free to donate here), I don't expect to hear from him often but I am always filled with joy when I do.

After receiving the email (and replying to it), it dawned on me that I haven't really talked about my oblate novitiate journey in the middle of all my health struggles. In fact, I think most people will be surprised to hear that I'm still continuing my journey considering how poorly my health has been lately. Well, let me reassure you that I'm still going forward... and I'll share with you a few theories that have been thrown around amongst my friends (a little later) of how the two are connected.

As the Benedictine motto ("Ora et labora"; pray and work) suggests, two of the pillars of the spirituality are work and prayer. As Oblate attached to this particular monastery, I'm also to embrace penance (more on this in a bit), charity (especially towards the poor and the unfortunate), chastity, keep up the days of fasting and abstinence, and work on being obedient. I'm also to detach myself from the world (be a part of it but not of it) and reject pride.

What I've been focusing on in my current state has been prayer and obedience. Actually, obedience has been the biggest focal point for me these last couple of weeks because I've been actively discerning my vocation for the last couple of months. The only thing I'm going to say about that is that I'm incredibly happy with where God seems to be leading me. Of course, credit goes to my Oblate master who encouraged me to go forward with it at our retreat. I knew there would be obstacles (even before the health issues began) but it's been such a beautiful experience so far and I have no doubts I'm doing God's will for me. Finally! I have confidence in something I'm doing! lol.

The obedience part of the vocation discernment is sometimes hard because my spiritual director occasionally tells me to do something that I don't technically want to do but know I have to do. That's the beauty of obedience: you break your own selfishness and passions in order to follow the wisdom of those who know better than you; those who care about the state of your soul and want to see you doing the right thing in your discernment.

The prayer part of my life has been the easiest for me to maintain because of the routine I had established prior to my Oblate novitiate. I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (sometimes the little Benedictine Office) at least twice daily, or more if I'm able to. For example, today I've able to do all the hours so far, except Terce because I fell asleep for a little while. I pray the Rosary daily. I have a number of prayers that I know by heart and can do while I'm blinded by lights (the photophobia has been my biggest enemy lately) and have to wait to regain my eyesight once again. If it wasn't for prayer, I probably wouldn't be able to go through some of the obstacles I've encountered recently.

For obvious reasons, the "work" part has had to be modified to fit with what I'm capable of doing with my worsening eyesight and my overall fatigue and physical limitations. I still write for Epic Pew and Catholic Chemistry when I'm able to; though I've had to take a couple of weeks off here and there when I'm not doing too well. Thankfully, both editors are great and understanding if I'm late with deadlines or if I need a couple of breaks writing. God bless them both!

I also try to keep my family duties as well as I can. I help run errands when my eyesight and fatigue cooperate with me. I keep the financial budget as well as I can. I drive my mom to work every morning, except on days when I'm completely blind in the morning and it's extremely dangerous for me to try to drive. As my health begins to stabilize, I'll be adding more of the housekeeping duties I usually have. At the moment, my only big ailment is my eyesight; the low blood pressure fainting spells and the physical weakness have both gotten better in recent weeks.

I know I need to work on Lectio Divina (another pillar of the Benedictine spirituality) and Mass attendance. I'm sure you can guess why I've been failing at these two -- my worsening eyesight AND health problems that have left me housebound for several days at a time. In fact, I spend most of my days in bed, with my adjustable bed base reclined up so I can sit more comfortably. Still, if I can go to confession and/or Mass, I go! I also try to get the daily Mass readings in, even if I have to highlight it and have Siri read it to me when my eyesight is particularly bad.

The scrupulous side of me is anxious about failing at these two things because they're such a major part of the Oblate life. At the same time, I also remind myself that I can only do so much with what I have going on. I try to not be hard on myself because, honestly, there is only so much screen and/or reading I can do before my eyes have had enough for the day. Some days, I have to keep my eyes closed for most of the day (enter Catholic podcasts and audiobooks for company) because my eyesight is just completely horrendous. For now, I'll continue to pray that I have little pockets of good eyesight time to be able to get myself to Mass and/or do Lectio Divina more regularly.

Having said all of that, yes, I absolutely still firmly intend to go forward with my novitiate as planned. I also still plan to attend the annual retreat next year and make my final Act of Oblation. I have a couple of friends who have a theory that all of this is happening because of my novitiate discernment. My health issues didn't really start until a week before I left for my retreat and, if you remember, I had my first ER visit during the retreat. You know... like someone (or something) doesn't want me to go forward with this for some reason. Anyway, just putting that theory out there. You draw your own conclusions. Since St. Benedict is now my spiritual father, I will let him intercede for me as necessary. God's will be done, no one else's.

I think that's as "in a nutshell" as I can get. I tried to keep it as short as I could. God willing (and my eyesight and health cooperating), I will be getting back into my blogging groove this month. Again, God willing. I've been doing the 54-day Rosary novena with my eyesight as my first intention so we'll see just what miracles Our Lady will do for me. Even if it's not a full restoration of my eyesight, I know I will receive the graces necessary to cope with whatever is ahead of me.

Of course, I will keep y'all updated on both my Oblate novitiate (especially now that I've remembered to do so; mea culpa!) and my health journeys!

Please keep me (and particularly my eyesight and the ophthalmologists treating me) in your prayers this next month as we hope to finally get some answers with the latest round of blood work tests and a new MRI scheduled for next week.

And, that's it for now. I have to go grocery shopping because I've run out of food. I was waiting for my mom to get home so I would have an extra pair of eyes with me; it's best while my eyesight is wonky.

I hope you've all been well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Sometimes Things Don't Work Out

Well, I tried... and it didn't work.

I am "back" in the sense that I've returned to this blog and have shut down the Benedictine blog. A very long story short: I had a major drop in readership for both my blog and my third novel. Like... insane. People weren't reading the blog as much as they read this one. I know blogs have begun going out of style but, goodness, the drop was drastic. I was wondering why and then I started noticing that people just weren't switching over to the new blog for some reason -- but they continue to visit this one more than the other one. I guess the "nerdwriter" and "catholicnerdwriter" thing has been a part of me for so long that people cannot associate me with anything else.

Also, my novel wasn't (and still isn't) really selling... which is not the greatest news when you've just incurred a medical bill that will cost 6 months-worth of salary for you. Oh, yes, I'm serious. I'll blog about that soon enough. I generally don't stress about whether my novels sell but when you're under a financial crunch, every little bit helps.

So, after much consideration, I decided to transferred the blog posts from the (now defunct) Benedictine blog to this one (yes, I kept everything as it was; blog titles, pictures, text, and even time and dates published). So if you didn't get a chance to read any of the following, you will now:

My Oblate Retreat, Part One: Obstacles, Tears, and a Trip to the ER

Dear Dad... 

When Life Goes Crazy and God Disappears

Smoke and Fire, The Novel That Complicated My Life for 2 Years

I do fully intend to post like a week's worth of blog posts soon because I have a lot of craziness to update y'all on -- and if you follow me on Twitter you already know part of it -- but I need sleep first. Perhaps after my nap (and after the next dose of antibiotics), I'll sit down and write one (or more) posts to spread over the next week. I will say this: I've had it suggested that this is a sort of spiritual attack because I was planning on going through with a major life change that has now been postponed (again) due to my recent health issues. That and maybe because I published the novel that took me forever to publish (full story here). Only God knows the real reason but prayers would be much appreciated that I'll be on the mend soon. Again, I'll explain this all as soon as I can.

Alright, well... I guess that's it for now. Did I mention I need sleep? Because I need sleep. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Oblate Retreat, Part One: Obstacles, Tears, and a Trip to the ER

"God alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not fall..." (Ps 62:7, NABRE)

These were the first words I read when I randomly opened up the Bible in my room at the retreat center. It was the third day of the retreat and I was running on empty; tears flowing down my cheeks because I felt like I didn't belong there. But, before I go on, let me start from the beginning...

Exactly one week before I left for the trip, I started feeling sick. I had a low-grade fever that came out of nowhere. Every day after that was a new, different thing. Fever, aches and pains, fatigue, stomach issues, debilitating headaches, etc. It was never the same thing. The day before I left for the retreat, I got food poisoning (as did my mom) and I felt so terrible that I didn't know if I was going to have to cancel my trip at the last minute.

I had a strong feeling that taking the trip was a bad idea; that I should stay at home instead. I had so many strong doubts the day before that I felt overwhelmed. Eventually, my stubborn side kept reminding me that, no, I wanted this. That and I know that "feelings" can sometimes trip us up so I wasn't trusting them.

I'd been praying about/discerning becoming a Benedictine oblate for a long time. I kept reminding myself that I wouldn't have raised $800 in 11 hours if it wasn't God's will for me to make this trip. (By the way, if you're new to my journey, you can read about the beginning of my discernment to the fundraiser here.) God had made it clear that He wanted me to do this so I would, no matter what obstacles would come my way. What I didn't know was that the entire retreat would be full of obstacles that would leave me feeling drained.

I started my trip on only two hours of sleep. Due to the heebie-jeebies I get being on a plane, I can't sleep during flights. We had a pretty smooth flight but I was seriously fighting sleep by the time we landed in O'Hare. Thankfully, a fellow oblate offered to drive me from the airport to the retreat center so I was able to nod off during the drive. We went to lunch with other oblates before we went to the center, which I'm grateful for because it would be the last decent meal I'd have for 3 days.

Months beforehand, I let the oblate who organized the retreat know about my food allergies and intolerance. (side note: this was prior to my food allergy panel results.) He let me know that they would be able to accommodate my dietary restrictions. A few days before the retreat, I let him know I would be taking a small part of my food; the corn tortillas and a few snacks in case there was a mix-up. I'm grateful I took them because there was a major mix-up: they thought I would be taking all of my food and they weren't prepared for me. Gulp. The next couple of days consisted of me eating mostly tortillas and the few snacks I'd taken because they kept making me food that made me sick. At least I got some protein in the form of chicken... even though I ended up getting sick from it because they prepared it with ingredients my stomach couldn't tolerate. I was so hungry that I didn't care; I ate it all even though my body physically ached afterward.

On the second day of the retreat, I felt physically spent. I thought it was due to the lack of food and the lack of sleep so I tried to tough it out. When I started swaying and feeling like I was going to pass out whenever I stood up, I knew I had to let someone know I wasn't feeling well. You know, in case I did faint. When I started feeling like I couldn't breathe and I started seeing black whenever I stood, I knew I had to be seen by a doctor. I asked if there was a local urgent care I could be seen at. I only told our Oblate Master because I didn't want to disturb the other oblates' retreat experience nor did I want any attention. I just wanted to be quietly seen by a doctor because I knew something was wrong and I wouldn't be able to simply ignore it. He got one of the oblates to drive me to the local emergency room.

The final diagnosis? Dehydration, near-syncope ("most likely from lack of sleep and lack of food," according to the doctor), and a migraine. Awesome. Thanks, body! They checked my bloodwork and they gave me a bag of IV fluids. I was given the okay to fly back to L.A. on Sunday. I needed to rest and hydrate as much as I could.

The next day (our third day of the retreat), our Oblate Master told me to rest as much as I could. He told me he didn't care if I stayed and rested in my room for the entire retreat; he just wanted to get the scapular on me so I could begin my novitiate with them the following day. I went down for breakfast, feeling awful because I had only slept 3 hours. The chef said, "Oh wait, we have to prepare breakfast for you, too?" They had no food for me. I was so emotionally spent that I ate my tortillas while I tried to keep myself from crying. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop the tears from spilling over but, at least, I was able to cry as silently as I could. I did not want any attention.

Other oblates would come up to me and ask me how I was feeling. I would say "better" because those IV fluids really did help me out a lot but, emotionally, I was a mess. I was exhausted so I went up to my room to nap instead of going to the third conference. I didn't want to push myself any more than I already had. Before I took that nap, though, I called my mom and told her what was going on.

I broke down and cried. I wanted to go home because of how miserable I felt. I kept second-guessing my decision to have gone on the retreat. I messaged my best friends and told them I felt like I didn't belong there. I felt like an unprepared fraud; like perhaps I'd discerned incorrectly. It was bad. I don't usually have these types of thoughts so I scared myself a bit. They reminded me that I was stronger than I felt at the time. They wondered if I was experiencing spiritual attacks because this was a major trip for me.

Prayer and Lectio Divina in my room.

I took a nap and woke up before Sext and lunch so I decided to do a little Lectio Divina. That's when I took the Bible the center had provided. I chose a random page and opened it up. Of course, I would open it up to a psalm about trusting God. I felt like He was giving me consolation; letting me know that He wanted me there. I felt a renewed determination to stick it out, no matter what else would happen. The rest of the weekend was comprised of resting when I knew I couldn't push myself further, eating whatever I could, drinking as much water as I could, and trying to keep my spirits up.

Sunday -- the big day -- came. Despite the little sleep, I felt excited and ready. Since I couldn't fall back asleep after waking up at 3:30 a.m., I packed and got myself ready for the morning. I went into the kitchen and had something to eat so I wouldn't feel lightheaded during Lauds, Mass, and the scapular investiture of the new novices. I was fine during Lauds... but then I started feeling sick during Mass. It was almost like round two of what had sent me to the ER two days prior. Cue me mentally asking all the saints to intercede for me.

I kept swaying and wanting to black out when I stood up during Mass so, at one point, I stayed seated. I was a little embarrassed because I didn't want to seem impious but I knew it would be worse if I passed out. I also knew I had to go up to the altar during the Ritus Induendi Novitium Oblatum (the investiture ceremony) so I wanted to save up whatever little strength I had.

"Mama Mary...  Guardian Angel... St. Benedict... St. Frances of Rome... all the Benedictine saints... Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati... St. Therese... hold me up. Intercede just so that my knees won't buckle under me." I was able to get myself to the far right side of the altar and I leaned against the wall, holding on with one hand when I felt like my knees would give in. I felt like I had no physical strength... but, darn it, I was going to go through it all, standing!

As Fr. Prior was getting ready to place the scapular on me, I felt like I was going to fall to the ground. I stubbornly made myself stand away from the wall so I wouldn't have that support. I trusted God; I knew I was meant to be there so I let my fears go. (side note: who says having a bit of a stubborn streak is a bad thing? I only use it during times like these. lol.) There was no way I wasn't going to go through with it. Only the day before, after reading Psalm 62, I met with our Oblate Master and he told me that I was meant to be there. I knew it was what God wanted me to do; there had been too many "signs" that this seems to be God's will for me.

I kid y'all not, the second the scapular was placed on me by Fr. Prior, I felt the most refreshing peace wash over me. Not only that, all the shakiness and the physical weakness seemed to have disappeared in an instant. I felt strengthened... and I was instantaneously grateful for all I had endured up to that point. The tears, the physical and emotional obstacles, the ER visit... every single thing I had endured was worth it. I was grateful for all the difficulties because it made that moment even more glorious.

I didn't get to sleep for 24 hours after that, we had the worst turbulence I've ever experienced on the way back home, and it took me two full days to start feeling like myself again... but I survived.

I know it was due to everyone's prayers that I was able to make it through the entire weekend. I mean, I've struggled with constant fatigue for months now (though I'd been feeling much better and my health had been on the upswing up to a week before the trip). I can't function with less than 5 hours of sleep, yet I somehow was able to do it with an average of 3 hours of sleep per night for half a week. I can't fast because it makes me sick yet I somehow got through days of little food.

I'm sorry I missed half of the activities of the retreat. I'm also sad that I didn't get to know my fellow oblates better. I'm a little embarrassed when I think about what a first impression I made on them as well but it was a good humbling experience for me. It reminded me that I'm now part of a (lovely) community; that I can't do everything on my own and that trusting God is the only way to go. There was also no room for vanity (I walked around with my hair in a messy bun and my "humility glasses" for most of the retreat) or anything that would take away from the purpose of the trip. It was absolutely perfect in its own way.

Anyway, this post is far too long so I'll write a part two soon. Yes, there's more. I just wrote the basics of the obstacles so I can focus on the good that came from the retreat in the next post. :)

If you've made it this far, thank you for sticking with it! I promise not all posts will be this long.

I'm going to go make myself something to eat before I get back to work. I was thankfully given last week off to focus on the retreat but now it's back to writing articles and finishing my third novel. :)

Happy feast of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus (traditional calendar) and of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (unofficially in the new calendar)!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!