New (and Exciting!) Blog Changes

I nearly shut this blog down last week.

Long story short, I thought that there was absolutely nothing new that I could offer y'all. Sure, I always find new things to write about for EpicPew (and now for Verily Magazine). My God-given creativity keeps churning new material for novels, but I wasn't sure what I could do with this blog.

That's why there was a 2-week gap between blog posts. I was running on empty. After keeping up this blog for 10 and a half years, I didn't know what else I could write about; what to share.

In the 10 years that I've kept this blog, I've written about a number of topics:

• My adventures at secular and CINO (Catholic in name only) colleges.
• My father's (and family's) journey with cancer followed by the aftermath of his death.
• My joys and sorrows in my spiritual life.

Of course, there continue to be topics that remain off-limits (for now) so I can't touch on them. I mean, I'll discuss my vocation discernment in vague terms and share how hard it is to be a single lady these days but that's as far as I go with that. Similarly, I don't talk about my family life too much out of respect for all other family members.

"This is it," I thought to myself. "I'm officially out of new things to write about. I have nothing worth sharing."

Of course, God had other plans for me. A couple of weeks ago, a lot of changes came into my life. Some of them have changed my life for the better. Others have enriched my prayer life. It took me until today to realize that these are things that I can share as I try to figure them out (especially the new prayer/devotions).

So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to share the new changes I've begun implementing, one subject at a time. For the time being, I don't really see myself sharing some of the more personal things I once shared. Yes, when the time comes, I'm sure I will share further vocation development but, for now, that will continue to be one of those "off-limits" topics. No, that was not a hint... not really, anyway. I mean... uh... Oh, look, a squirrel! *runs away*

This blog will be heading in a different direction and I'm really excited about it. Even if I lose all my readers and I end up keeping this blog as a public diary for myself, this feels like the right thing for me to do. I feel at peace with this decision... and I cannot wait to share all these things with y'all!

That's it for now! 

I look forward to sharing more in the upcoming days! And, yes, this means I'll be updating more often now that I have a clearer vision of what I want to do with this blog. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Why Are We Afraid To Be Ourselves?

This is going to be a quick blog post since I have my latest EpicPew article due tonight.

You know how enthusiastic a child gets when he's really excited about something? How he's just so exuberant about the thing (whatever it may be) that he starts telling everyone he meets about it? That's totally me... and I'm tired of hiding it out of fear of what others will think.

I've never lost that child-like quality for some reason. I get so excited about x, y, and/or z that I tell everyone (I feel comfortable showing that side of myself to) about it. I will talk someone's ear off on the subject if I'm allowed. Many people will say, "wait, I've never seen that side of you before." Well, yeah... that's the whole point of this post.

Lately, I've asked why I've been so afraid of sharing that side of my personality. Was I really that embarrassed about being laughed at for showing that kind of enthusiasm? Well, yes. I've been made of for it in the past; made to feel like there was something wrong with me. I hate to admit it, but I just didn't want people to think of me as some simpleton who got excited over the smallest things... but I do.

I'll also admit that I sometimes fear that people might also think I'm full of myself and am bragging about something if it has to do with me or any happy news I may get. When I share something I'm excited about, the last thing on my mind is how it can make me look good. I just want to share it because, duuuude, it's so cool (!!) or because it's something I'd been praying about and I've seen the fruits of that prayer.

I was reflecting on that lately and I came to the conclusion that things are going to change. I'm going to be as unabashedly excited about things I share because I just want to share that excitement. I'm tired of hiding that side of myself out of fear of what others may think. People may think what they want. I'm sorry but I'm just not going to care anymore.

Does anyone else have the same problem? Do you sometimes think twice about sharing something out of fear of what others may think? Does anyone else want to take this challenge (because it will be a challenge, at first) with me?

Anyway, just a random thought I wanted to share. Okay, fine, and I'm also procrastinating on the article. I'll get to it next, especially since the threat of falling asleep is ever present.

I hope you're all having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Third Novel Plot and Dating Break Revelations

Since I'm not publishing the novel, I'm going to give you ALL the spoilers. Keep in mind: this is a bare bones summary and my target demographic is young women between the ages of 16 and 24.

Isabella ("Izzy") Sonora visits her best friend, Zoe Walker, in London post-college graduate in hopes to figure out what she wants to do -- work or go to grad school. Izzy and Zoe met freshman year of college before Zoe (an actress) booked a role that catapulted her to fame abroad. When Izzy arrives in London, she sees that Zoe is living with her actor boyfriend, Rodrigo (professionally known as "Rory") Dominguez. Izzy informs Zoe that 1) Zoe never told her that she'd been living with Rory, and 2) that she should've known that Izzy would be uncomfortable in that situation because of her faith and beliefs. Cue big fight that doesn't quite get fully resolved. Despite this, the girls make up and Izzy gets a small taste of what life in the limelight is like (from the outside; going to premieres and events with Zoe).

Rory (who was working on his popular TV show abroad for the first 2 months of Izzy's visit) returns to London. Rory is kind and thoughtful, even going as far as limiting PDA so that Izzy feels more comfortable. Rory discovers that Izzy sings and plays the guitar. After some convincing, he gets her to agree to do some covers on his YouTube channel with the condition that no one finds out her true identity. Rory has literally millions of followers on his social media accounts and Izzy wishes to remain anonymous. They change her name and they film her from different angles, keeping fans guessing throughout the 7 videos they make over the span of 3 months.

Subplot: Izzy meets Grace Mitchell, another famous actress (more so than Zoe and Rory) who becomes like a big sister to Izzy. Grace doesn't buy into the fame game. She doesn't even have a way for fans to contact her via social media though she's always friendly when she meets them in person. Izzy gets both perspectives of the entertainment business: selling yourself/your brand to become more famous (Zoe and Rory) vs. doing things for the love of the craft and eschewing the superficial side (Grace).

Eventually, Izzy finds herself emotionally attached to Rory despite her best efforts not to be. All the time spent together, all the things they've shared, leaves her confused. Grace takes her away to Bath for a week to get her mind straightened out since it's Izzy's last month of vacation. When Izzy returns to London, she finds an enraged (and clearly drunk) Zoe in denial over her breakup with Rory, who moved out and returned back to work while Izzy was away. Zoe kicks Izzy out of her flat, no explanation given. Grace takes Izzy to stay at her home with her new husband, Ben. Izzy sees what a solid, stable relationship looks like, a breath of fresh air after seeing the impassioned and volatile relationship that Zoe and Rory had.

Someone leaks Izzy's identity as "Lily" (her YouTube alias) to the press. Furthermore, this person blames her for the Zoe-Rory breakup. Rory informs Izzy that it was Zoe who leaked the info and started the rumors because she thought that they were seeing each other behind her back. A "friend" of Zoe's told her she frequently saw Izzy and Rory "meeting outside a church." What the "friend" didn't know (but the readers knew all along) was that Rory had helped Izzy sneak off to Mass for months because Zoe used to fake serious illnesses and did everything she could to keep Izzy from going to Mass. Zoe is seriously anti-religion (which was a surprise to Izzy; Zoe had always been supportive up until Izzy wasn't happy with the Zoe-Rory living arrangement) while Rory is agnostic but he respects Izzy's beliefs. In the end, Zoe is exposed and all the things she did to sink Izzy and Rory's reputations backfire quite spectacularly.

The rest of the novel (which I didn't get a chance to flesh out) would've dealt with Izzy having to make big two decisions. First, she had to figure out whether she wanted to attend graduate school in England (University of Bath), do an internship with a photographer friend of Grace's (who, surprise, was going to be Will from the Will and Lina series), or accept Rory's manager's proposal to sign as an artist to start her own music career (she was not interested in acting).

The second big decision was Rory. He confessed his feelings for her and even wanted to move to L.A. to be with her. Izzy would end up rejecting him. He had a lot of faults that she couldn't overlook; that she knew he couldn't/wouldn't give up especially in the areas of lust, sloth, and gluttony. (side note: Zoe and Rory were going to embody the 7 deadly sins between them while Izzy Grace would exhibit the 7 capital virtues throughout the novel; Zoe was the mirror opposite of Grace, Rory of Izzy).

Keep the plot in mind as I now tell you what really happened to me and how this led to my dating break...

There exist a real-life Zoe and Rory and their lives are very similar to their fictional counterparts. That's all I will say. Unfortunately, like Izzy, I also ended up developing feelings for real-life Rory. That's what got me in trouble from January through July of this year. I used to say "Oh, he's like a brother to me," but I realized that wasn't true. An emotional attachment that had developed and it affected me in ways I didn't realize until it was too late. You'd think a 31/32-year-old would know better but, oh, that's when the devil likes to mess things up; when you let your guard down and think you'll be fine. Don't let your guard down and keep God in the center of everything, even things you think you've got under control.

I never approve but I became desensitized to real-life Zoe and Rory's living together. It wasn't until the end that real-life Zoe was crassly open about things that should be left between two (married) people that I snapped out of it. I somehow didn't realize real-life Rory's problem with giving into excess and a number of other things that slowly pulled me away from the faith. I was sucked in by the kindness, the laughter, the fun, and other (superficial) good things that unintentionally made me overlook what put me in danger. I began to have doubts. I began to think that perhaps this was the right path before because I was a terrible Catholic. Oh, sweet, dumb Emmy. Thankfully, God was with me throughout it all so I didn't fall away completely... but, boy, it was a close call at one point.

Another way God has humbled me lately: I'm not as strong (spiritually or emotionally) as I thought I was. I realized that through this experience. I'm not as smart as I thought. I'm not immune to making really dumb decisions and overlooking red flags. I also don't know the faith as well as I would like, which is pushing me more into the lay Dominican path.

Because real-life Zoe and Rory were a big part of my daily life, it was hard for me to gently remove myself from their lives. I made a point to not see them or see what they were up to. Communication ceased. I blocked them from private social media accounts. I erased all virtual traces I could from my laptop and connected devices. Unfortunately, they'll still pop up unexpectedly but I know how to get myself out of those situations.

After that happened, I was shaken up... and inspired to work on my relationship with God. I knew that I needed to work on myself and my anemic spiritual life before I could go forward in any future vocation discernment. I've known my vocation is being a wife and mother (someday) but I cannot build a solid family on a rocky, unstable foundation (especially with my spiritual life in tatters) so my self-imposed dating break began. I actually considered discerning becoming a consecrated single for a couple of weeks recently before I was reminded of the peace and certainty I've felt discerning the marriage vocation.

The novel was me (mainly) working through the feelings and making sense of everything. I began to write the novel around May-June when I was slowly getting out of months worth of me being confused over my situation with real-life Rory. It was when I started writing things out that I was able to work through it all. The feelings that once existed for real-life Rory are no longer there. In fact, I can't even look at him without feeling repulsed. My spiritual life is back on track though it's going to take a while for me to get to where I was.

And, there you have it. The novel plot and the story behind the inspiration for it. I had hoped to inspire young(er) women to look at their relationships, their friendships, and their faith carefully so that they wouldn't fall into the same trap I did but I'm now seeing that perhaps an honest blog post would work better.

Also, to any young blog reader who gets a bit starry-eyed and dreams of a life like those of celebrities: please be careful. Things aren't what they seem. I'm a bit cynical when it comes to the biz because I've grown up around it and I've seen what it does to people... and I claim temporary insanity from December of last year to July of this year for thinking I could return without it affect me or my faith. I walked away from all of that when I was 20 and (despite the massive temptations to go back and work as a screenwriter last year and this year) choosing to stay away from it is what is best for me on a spiritual, emotional, mental, and even physical level.

By the way, this all connected to my St. Andrew Christmas novena and 54-day Rosary novena intentions from Advent last year because I asked God to help me reject worldly, superficial things that would hurt my soul... which came from last year's temptation to chuck it all away and return to my pre-reversion career path. What I didn't anticipate was that I was going to be tested in a way that all the worldly, superficial things were going to be presented in a neat, pretty package with sparkles and would blind me and make my anemic faith even more fragile for months. I'm incredibly grateful to God for opening my eyes because I was in a terrible place. I know that I had to go through all of this to be able to grow in my relationship with him.

That is the whole truth behind the novel inspiration, the dating break (though part two of this is coming soon), and why it's best that the novel doesn't see the light of day. It took all of this to get me to where I am now and I'm truly grateful for all the prayers and support from friends who knew what was going on and prayers from those who didn't know what was going on but could sense that I was going through a hard time. I'm still working on my relationship with God so everything else will have to wait.

That's it for now. I actually wrote this on the night of the 6th because I want to dedicate all of the 7th and 8th to finishing what is due on the 8th so, you know, if you leave my comments I won't see them until the thing is turned in. Just a heads up. :)

I hope you are all doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

God Has Humbled This Proud, Conceited, Vain Girl

(side note: I had this post/topic prepared before I decided to write about why I've given up writing my third novel so it will be published first; the novel news will hopefully be posted tomorrow.)

I was an extraordinarily active kid.

I was/still am a dancer. I took Mexican folkloric dance, swing, ballroom dance, waltzing, and drill team/cheerleading from elementary school through my freshman year of high school. To this day, you'll see me dancing in my apartment (well, only if I feel comfortable enough being the massive goofball that I am around you), dancing in the car, and sometimes in the aisles of the groceries stores when I forget that people can see me.

I was a tomboy who loved playing sports. I ran track, played handball, tetherball, and even baseball when the boys let me. I still remember being the only girl who would dare race against the boys to see who was the fastest in the 5th grade. In junior high, I mostly drill team until I had to choose between honors classes and drill team... and I chose the honor classes. After that, I played soccer, still ran track, and played basketball in my co-ed P.E. class. In high school (and I only went to public HS for a year and a half), I did dance for an entire year and then did a semester of co-ed P.E. I was one of the only two girls in the class who dared to play flag (American) football, basketball, soccer, and softball.

I also had my academic accomplishments. In elementary school, I was one of the chosen speakers of my elementary school graduation. In junior high, I tested into a more academically demanding track and had to choose between dance/popularity and academics. My parents drilled the importance of an education so it was a no-brainer for me. As a high school freshman, I (along with 4 other classmates) tested out of high school English so we took college-level elective courses with some seniors because they didn't have any English courses I could take. I developed severe social anxiety due to the bullying and mental abuse I received from both classmates and teachers so I lost an entire of school. They thought I was going to graduate when I was 19-20 through a charter school. I surprised them by graduating a year and a half early and I even gave the valedictorian/student speech at my high school graduation.

My health began to slowly decline shortly before I turned 18. Anxiety physically debilitated me and I'm sure my father's cancer diagnosis didn't help. I developed anemia for the first time when I was 18 and I was severely underweight from the anti-anxiety medications they'd given me. I recovered for a while but not before anxiety became worse... as did my health. I, who had no allergies as a child, suddenly couldn't eat or drink anything with dairy at 19. At 20, the egg allergy developed. I, who rarely missed school due to illness, became more and more sick... and there wasn't (at the time) an explanation. I returned to the Church in the midst of the uncertainty. The doctors then figured out that my (we now know) PTSD and social anxiety was the cause.

My academic career was terrible. I had to repeat a couple of courses because my health would sometimes affect things. Somehow, I was able to have lucky breaks and, despite illness and my father's death, I was finally able to graduate with my first Bachelor's degree. Quite a few years later than anticipated (I should've graduated around 2007-2008) in 2012.

I was okay for a couple of years but eventually, things began to decline again. When I was about 24, shortly after my father passed away, was the first time they noticed my platelets were lower than normal but no one bothered to check things out. It wasn't until I was 30 that they became more interested in getting to the root cause of my health problems, platelets included. At the time I'm writing this, I'm still a medical mystery to them since they can't figure out the cause (re: low platelets).

As many of y'all know, I overdid it and burnt myself out in mid-late 2014 when I did my first and second semester of my SLP degree... to the point where my health took the biggest hit. It took me until earlier this year to get my iron levels to the point where I was no longer anemic. After two semesters in grad school and a terrible car accident in late 2015, it took me a couple more months to recover my weight (I was underweight for about 2-3 years).

Things seem to be on the upswing and then... something brings me back down. Low platelets. Anemia. Anxiety. Academic failure. It's taken me several years to appreciate everything... and it's just now that I accept everything as being a part of God's will instead of trying to do things on my own, to the point where my pride makes me make terrible decisions.

I've recently realized that God has humbled me because it's been the best thing that could've happened. I was way too overconfident (read: conceited, proud, and vain) about... everything.

I was the girl who was always one of the top students. The girl who received academic honors. The girl who gave the speech at her HS graduation. The girl whose British Literature professor (during her freshman year of college) encouraged her to apply to Oxford University.

I was the girl who could whoop boys at a bunch of sports. I ran and hit faster than many of them. I wasn't afraid of getting hurt, bruised, or dirty.

I was the girl who was offered a contract with a major agency (that would've radically changed my life) when she was 20.

I was the girl who, at 19, was teased about being the first amongst her friends to marry because of the luck she had with the fellas.

I'm now the girl who (people assume) is always sick. I'm the girl who has to be careful during cold/flu season because she can't get a flu shot (egg allergy) and whose white blood count is rarely within normal levels (read: low immunity against viruses). I'm the girl who can't be in the heat too long because she has lower than normal blood pressure. I'm the girl who has to be careful not to cut herself because the low platelets could potentially make her bleed more than normal. I'm the girl who has to be careful about what she consumes because of the food and medication allergies.

I'm the girl who sometimes doesn't have the physical energy/stamina to even sit up or open her eyes on her most physically debilitating days. I'm the girl who gets winded simply bending down and standing back up. I'm the girl who can spend days lightheaded or dizzy in bed. I'm the girl who wishes she could dance more but doesn't have the energy to do so.

I'm the girl who constantly fails in the academic arena because sometimes her health is so poor that mental fog is ever-present, making it difficult for her to concentrate in lectures and/or remember what she studied for exams. I'm the girl who abandoned her second Bachelor's degree... then a Master of Arts degree... and then the second Bachelor's degree again.

I'm the girl who is seen as being a stereotypically lazy Millennial who just lays around the house, doing nothing. I'm the girl who wishes she could work to pay off her student loans but who can't because of her health. I'm the girl who wishes she could financially provide for her mother so that her mother could retire; this girl wants to take care of her mother.

I'm the girl who is currently working on something that she hopes to one day share with you all but, for now, let's say I'm working towards something that I hope will make my mom (and my father, wherever he is) proud. I'm the girl who, despite the want to do well on this thing she's working on, is having a lot of problems accomplishing the basic tasks because she constantly falls asleep and experiences too much mental fog to complete anything she begins.

I'm the girl with terrible luck with fellas (though, perhaps, still has excellent taste because 3 crushes from the past 8 years have ended up in seminary) and, at 32, is one of the last of her friends to marry.

I'm the girl who still has her moments of pride and vanity... but who God is humbling in a way that makes the girl cry tears of joy because (after much prayer in which asked to be cured has now seen that) it's the way He shows His love for her. It may sound weird but I feel like God continues to humble me in order that I may join Him in Heaven one day... which is my ultimate goal.

I'm the girl who has learned that it's okay to ask others for help... to be okay looking foolish... to be who she is, deep down, without worrying about how others perceive her or if others will like her.

I'm the girl who has learned that all the worldly accomplishments, all the riches, all the "luck", all that she experienced as a girl and a young woman aren't important. Doing God's will and choosing to accept the suffering that I need to endure is more important.

And, finally, I'm the girl who hopes God uses to get "through" to others who feel alone... unloved... hopeless... like failures... everything she herself feels at times. I pray to God that I may say the right words or do the right works; to help others during their own low moments. Even if I don't ever know about it and even if it's just one person during my lifetime, I hope I do good. I hope I do my part, through my weaknesses and failures, for His greater glory.

Some of you may say that it will be foolish of me to say this but: I really do hope God does continue to humble me to the point where my pride and vanity is as nonexistent in my being as possible. God has already helped me see how much this "mighty" gal has fallen... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that I will continue to be seen as dumb, weak, too sensitive, a failure, etc. and I welcome it. I would rather be seen as being an insignificant than being at risk of having my pride and vanity return to the levels they were at when I was healthy and had too many options in life.

I'm going to leave y'all with this quote from the saint whose feast day we celebrate today (it's still Tuesday in Los Angeles):

“We are at Jesus’ disposal. If he wants you to be sick in bed, if he wants you to proclaim His work in the street, if he wants you to clean the toilets all day, that’s all right, everything is all right. We must say, ‘I belong to you. You can do whatever you like.’ And this is our strength. This is the joy of the Lord.” - St. Teresa of Calcutta

When Taking Care of Yourself Becomes Overindulgence

Last night and this morning I was thinking about my third novel and I had the inspiration to share (on the blog) something I'm currently in the process of working through: learning how to take care myself in moderation.

For years, I battled anemia, fatigue, and being underweight. In fact, I recently hit my normal weight range which I haven't been within since I graduated as an undergrad, 5 years ago. Anemia is physically (and even mentally) debilitating. I was tired all of the time and had trouble concentrating or even doing the simplest things (like remembering that I had water boiling on the stove; thank goodness for a whistling kettle). I would fall asleep sitting down, in the middle of the day. I would want to take a nap within 2-3 hours of waking up... after 8-10 hours of sleep. I would often be found in bed, laying there most of the day because my body felt very heavy and it was exhausting simply sitting up. It wasn't laziness; my doctors all confirmed it was due to the anemia. I didn't have the physical (and mental) strength to function like a normal human being.

I tried to push myself and do things despite my physical weakness but that ended up backfiring and I spent more time in bed, trying to regain strength. When that happened, I knew I had to admit "defeat" and allow myself to do what my body wanted. If I felt tired, I would take a nap. If I felt I couldn't walk any longer, I'd sit until I felt well enough to continue. If I was hungry, I would eat. If I was thirsty... well, you get the idea. Whatever my physical needs were, I took them as cues from my body that that was what it needed. It was that (and taking the multivitamin that apparently boosted my iron and folate levels quite quickly) that helped me get healthy once again. Hooray for learning self-care!

I learned that it's important to take care of yourself -- something I was sadly lacking since I tended to put others' needed ahead of my own and this is something I've done since I was a child. I didn't think of what I needed or even wanted. I did what others needed. It's not a bad thing, but it can become a bad thing. I've been taken advantage of by those who saw that I was easily exploitable. It's something that I've had to learn to better manage; to learn to say "no" and not feel guilty about doing. Seeing that I was making myself sicker by not taking care of myself was a massive wake-up call and one that I'm grateful for since I know it'll be useful once I have a family of my own (someday, I pray). Now I have to learn the other side of taking care of yourself: doing things in moderation.

Before I get into that, a bit of background info for you new readers. I feel like I'm getting those selfish years I didn't get when I was younger. As those of you who've been long-time readers may recall from previous posts, I didn't have your typical adolescence or young adulthood. I helped take care of my parents when most of my peers were going out with friends. I didn't go parties. I didn't go out on dates (and I've yet to be taken out on a proper date. Seriously). I didn't even go to slumber parties. Sure, I regularly went to concerts between the ages of 18 and 20, but I always came home right after the shows. When I hung out with friends (in those years in which my father's cancer was in remission), I would come home early. Simply put, I was a responsible kid. I avoided drugs, alcohol, sleeping around, and every other vice you could possibly think of for someone who grew up in  L.A. My then "friends" used to tease me for being an "old lady" or a "prisoner" of my own home but that's just how I've always been. When I was in school, I focused on that and didn't go out. When my father's cancer returned (and eventually became terminal), I was even more homebound than normal After my father died, I focused on school until I graduated. Almost as soon as I graduated, I got sick and it's taken 5 years to get to the bottom of all the problems I ended up having.

Now, taking care of yourself isn't bad. I'm back to my pre-graduation normal weight. My health is the best it's been in several years. My anxiety is virtually non-existent these days. I have a (more or less) clear path on which I'll be traveling down on over the next year or so, if it continues to be God's will. I've placed myself in God's hands and it's been a wonderful thing. But... I'm getting slightly off-track now.  While doing what you need to do stay health is great, it can backfire which is what I'm dealing with right now.

As you could probably guess from the title, I'm currently trying to learn to do things in moderation because what worked for me while I was sick isn't what I need anymore. I can't oversleep anymore (and my body has actually ached on days when I sleep more than 8 hours). I can't eat more than I need to. And before you ask, I used to lack on appetite and had to force myself to eat some days... which is how I got into the habit of eating even when I didn't feel hungry. That and, for a long time, I couldn't take iron pills and I had to eat a lot of food just to get enough iron in my diet for the day to not make the anemia worse. I've gotten into the habit of doing much more for myself than most other people do and it's one that I know I will struggle to break out of.

I have the hardest time breaking habits, both good and bad. I have to re-train my body to be fine with 7-8 hours of sleep when I can get them (which, thankfully, is most days). I also have to get back into the habit of getting to sleep early and getting up early instead of going to bed at 2 a.m. and waking up at 10-11 a.m. This will not be the easiest, especially since Mom's been on vacation since my birthday so I've gotten used to not getting up at 3-4 a.m. to help her get to work on time. I need to remind myself to listen to my stomach and to my body and stop whenever I feel myself getting full. I have to remind myself that the objective is to keep hunger away and not to make myself feel absolutely stuffed. Yes, I also know I won't ever have this luxury again... especially not once I get married and have a family of my own. That's why I say that I feel like I'm getting the selfish years I didn't have when I was younger; I only have myself (and my mom, to an extent) to worry about.

As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I have two more months off before I begin the next step in (what I believe to be) God's plans for me. I already have plans to work on my spiritual life (doing a big re-do/makeover of sorts) and I had my third novel to work on so it's not like I'll be sitting around the house, twiddling my thumbs. As soon as Mom heads back to work (this weekend), I get to reestablish my "housewife" routine of taking care of the house, running errands, and balancing the household budget by myself... on top of the plans I have for my novel and other things regarding my faith that will get me out of the house during the summer.

I will also try to go to confession more often because I know gluttony and an overconsumption of things are considered sins... and I'm tired of telling the priest I over-eat at least once during the week. *blush* If you haven't made the connection yet, the longer I went without going to Mass and confession, the easier it was for me to be selfish and greedy and allow myself to overindulge in sleep, food, and general laziness. I'm ashamed of myself for falling into this trap but it happened and now I'm holding myself accountable for all the dumb decisions I've made.

Please pray for me as I try to cultivate more temperance in my life. There are things I didn't mention in this post that will make things a little harder than usual for me when it comes to learning how to balance things, especially in the "ninja area" of my life that y'all know I don't like talking about on this blog. (*whispers* that means my "personal" life for those of you new to the blog. I'm notoriously private about my love life, y'all.)

Anyway, I think that's all for now. It's getting hot in my home office (we're nearing the triple digits this and next week in L.A.) and it's (unfortunately for me) the hottest room in the house so I want to escape this mini-oven before it gets hotter.

I hope you all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Childhood Memories of Faith

Taken by me from the pews of my childhood parish.

While I wait for my downstairs neighbors to quit making noise (so I can study; file this under "apartment resident problems"), I thought I'd share something that came to mind while I was praying the Rosary a couple of days ago.

Does anyone remember what their faith was like when you were a child? Did you pray with your family? Did you pray before going to sleep? How about praying before and/or after every meal? How was your attention span during Mass? I'm so very curious as to how others experienced their faith as a child.

As for me, we (Mom and I have) have joked about how I "born to be a Catholic." Some of my earliest memories include being completely transfixed on the priest and what he did during the Liturgy of the Eucharist, especially during the consecration. I remember little 6-7-year-old me in the front pew (I always wanted to be in the front), eyes glued to the priest and what was going on at the altar. I didn't understand what was going on but I knew it was important. I think I even used to sigh happily during it. I knew it was about Jesus but didn't know much beyond that. Did I mention I was about 6 or 7? No one had told me about what happened during Mass. I knew the prayers because my parents taught them to me and I knew little things but nothing deeper than that, of course. I know my little mind wouldn't have been able to grasp the concept as much as I did when I reverted. Still, I loved going to Mass as a child.

I used to say that I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. I think I was particularly attracted to the Carmelite nuns. Those memories are a little fuzzy but I remember that I loved their habits and used to say "I'm going to be a nun when I grow up." Obviously, that didn't happen though St. Teresa of Avila was one of the first saints I admired when I returned to the Church as a 21-year-old.

I also remember that I once called a Catholic company that used to send free crosses to any child who was in catechism and wanted one. I don't remember what their name was (all I remember is that they were based in Maryland around 1993) but I remember how excited I was when it arrived. It was a small, white plastic cross that read "I love Jesus" in golden letters. I took it to school with me, unashamed of my love of my faith. I think I was about 8 around this time since I was in catechism to make my First Communion (which took place in 1994, a couple of days before I turned 9).

My parents taped a holy card of a Guardian Angel helping a child cross a river on the headboard of my bed so I was the first and last thing I saw. I also remember being completely scared of a picture my parents had in my room of two roads -- one leading to Heaven and another leading to Hell. The Hell part scared the crumbs out of me and I hated it. I must've been about 5 years old (yes, I have memories that young) and I think that scarred me a little. lol.

I also remember that I was basically on my own when it came to my faith. My parents took me to Mass sporadically growing up. I went nearly every Sunday (I think) while I was in catechism classes but as soon as my First Communion and then Confirmation (which happened when I was 13 years-old) were celebrated, they felt like it was enough. In fact, that was part of the reason why I unintentionally/unofficially left the Church during my teens until I was 21.

Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if my parents had had a stronger relationship with God. Would I have never left the Church? I won't lament it. I know that both of my parents were also poorly catechized and that both were away from the Church for decades. My father went 40+ years without going to confession or receiving the Eucharist (his return was my 24th birthday gift two months before he passed away) and my mother returned shortly before his death as well. I'm grateful that God has used me to help get them back -- especially my father; my biggest fear was that he would pass without returning to the Church -- and that, through the help of the Holy Spirit, I'm still able to clarify a few faith-related things to my mom. Our theological conversations make me happy and have increased over the years.

I also oftentimes think about how I will want to raise my future children (if God blesses me with any). I know that I want them to develop their relationship with God as soon as they can understand it. Of course, I'll take them to Mass and I'll teach them prayers as they're growing up. Since I didn't experience any prayers before or after meals (until a few years ago when I started doing it on my own) or even with my family (I can't recall ever praying with my parents outside of Mass), I know it'll be a huge learning experience for me but I look forward to it.

Oh! One more question: if you grew up with a strong sense of the faith and if your parents were religious, do you think it helped (or didn't help) your own faith formation growing up? I'm very curious and would love to hear any stories you may like to share. :D

Alright, it sounds like my neighbors have lowered down the noise level enough for me to be able to concentrate on some lecture videos. I have two exams next week and I need ALL the study time I can get. And prayers, if you can spare them. Please and thank you in advance. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Blog Changes

When I first started this blog, on Christmas Day 2007, I had no idea that I would continue to be blogging nearly a decade later. I started to write because (at the time) there were no Catholic blogs talking about the faith with issues such as anxiety, illness, and other topics that people seemed to not be comfortable talking about. I wanted to give a voice to those who were too afraid to talk about dealing with these issues on a personal level. A lot of my earliest readers found me by searching for "Catholicism and anxiety." Fast forward 9 years later, bloggers are more open than I am about their lives. Sure, I still share a lot (or it seems like I do ;D) but I'm not one of the only bloggers who are open about their daily struggles and how our faith is affected or enriched by them.

I've been thinking about it for a long time now and I've decided to open up on different topics that I normally shied away from... and be a little more open and honest in general. That's not to say I haven't been honest in my blog posts -- I have -- but I've also edited myself a lot out of fear of judgment or offending people. I've slowly been doing this in recent months (I'm sure some of you have noticed) but it's going to be a little more obvious in coming posts/weeks. I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I want to be able to talk about it without fear. If you don't end up liking the new direction, that's okay. I know I'm not a $100 bill; not everyone is going to like me or what I have to offer. :)

One of the big changes that I'm also making is that I'm no longer doing the annual "help me choose the patron saint for this blog" poll. After 8 years of doing this, I thought it was time for this change. This year, St. Joseph was the reader-chosen patron saint and it feels right that he be the last one chosen by a poll. After thinking about it for a while, I've chosen the Holy Family to be the permanent patron saints for this blog. I've developed wonderful devotions to the individual members of the Holy Family (as the Sacred Heart of Jesus, the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and St. Joseph) during this year so it seems fitting that they, as the Holy Family, continue to intercede for me so that I may write what might help others who stumble across this blog.

I'll be re-introducing novena posts (having daily novena prayers posted) throughout the year. I'm not sure which novenas I'll post/schedule during the year (starting next year) but I'll try to change them so that there's variety from year-to-year. I cleaned up the blog and website links and will be adding to them as I find the time. I think that's it... for now. Just a couple of layout and content changes. As I said, a new chapter in my life is beginning and I need to grow up and change with it. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. I really want to clean the apartment since it's been neglected while I studied for and took finals. Oops. I also have a lot of books to get through in less than a week that I borrowed from the library. A break from the online world for a couple of hours will do me good, especially considering I still have emails and other things to catch up on from the past couple of weeks. Those can wait a little longer. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

In Sickness and In Health?

Tiny violin. Get it? lol.

I'm just going to say it: sometimes I worry that no man will want to marry me because of all the health issues I've been through in recent years. There. I said it. It's out in the open.

If you're wondering what prompted this blog post and admission, it's been a number of things. The combination of reading vocation stories, having my own (future) vocation reaffirmed, and the fact that I've finally stopped making excuses to avoid dating and being open to dating has all been building up over the past couple of months.

"If you're worried about not finding someone who will want to be with you while you're sick, why even date?" Why go to school? Why get up in the morning? Why make plans? All for the same reason: I'm very optimistic that I'll get healthier before I know it. Why do I keep studying even though the medical conditions I have right now (which are reversible, thank goodness) make it difficult to memorize and concentrate? Again, because I don't plan on being sick forever. Furthermore, I don't want to stay stagnant. I feel like I've wasted so many years of my life just staying in the same place, not moving forward, because I let the obstacles that are in my way give me an excuse to be selfish and put a pause on things. I'm tired of doing that so forward I must go.

"If you're sure about your vocation, why are you worried about not finding someone?" Because I'm human. I worry about things I have no control over because that's how I am. My poor father (may he rest in peace) worried about everything and he was superstitious as a result so guess who I learned those terrible habits from. I try to stay positive but sometimes I get overwhelmed and these thoughts pop into my mind. I worry that I discern my vocation wrong and maybe this is all a sign that I'm meant to stay single. You hear that? That's 4 years of being sick without relief. If it's not one thing, it's another.

"But you have to trust God." Who says I don't? I trust God. I definitely don't do a good job at it 24/7 but I try. I'm learning to trust that He will send relief if it's His will. If not, I pray (and trust) that He will send me the courage to endure it. Do you trust God 24/7? Truly and honestly, 100% of the time? Let's be honest, we all have our moments in which trusting God is hard. Maybe not with health issues but financial, familial, career, etc? We've all had our moments. It doesn't mean that we love Him any less, it just means that we have a lot to work on.

One of the reoccurring thoughts that has kept popping up in my mind lately has been "this is all a test of trust." Whether I'm right or wrong, only God knows but I feel like it may be. I say I trust Him, but do I trust Him enough? Nope. It's become so obvious that I don't. This has been heightened with my recent health issues. New symptom? Worry. Heart rate slowing down, taking sharp drops while I sleep? Panic. Often, the "this is all a test of trust" light will flicker on, helping me to relax and not fall into the spiral of self-predicting doom. I'm getting better at it but I still have a long way to go.

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't grow up surrounded by happy marriages. Most women who talked to me and gave me "man advice" growing up were bitter and jaded for one reason or another. One reason I heard was because either the woman got sick and the man left or vice versa. Most of their advice was to establish a career that I could fall back on in case the man I married was a deadbeat who would eventually abandon me for someone else... because "most men are like that." No joke. I heard that advice about 95% of the time when someone older talked to me about getting married in the future. In fact, I still hear it though now it's accompanied by "oh, but you're 31 now. You're educated. You'll be fine either way." Sometimes I feel like they want to add that I'm too sick to even think about it... or have one huge stipulation (that I stay close to my mother since her memory is slowly failing as she gets older) that will make things impossible in the marriage department.

If you're wondering why I'm so open about this and why I'm doing it on such a public forum: because we don't read about it. Ever. In my nearly 10 years as a blogger and blog reader, I've never seen another blogger -- Catholic or otherwise -- talk about their fears regarding their vocation as a future spouse. Maybe I'm the only one that feels like this way but I have a feeling there are others out there who have similar thoughts. Maybe not health issues but another cross that they worry no one will want to help them carry. I'm not ashamed of what I've written because it's my reality. I write what I feel, even if it's not pretty and/or occasionally pessimistic.

Don't worry, I'm not a regular Marvin, the Paranoid Android. I'm not pessimistic all the time. In fact, most of the time I'm quite optimistic about the future and things in general. Still, I have my occasional moments of doubt. I'm sharing what usually goes on in my mind during those moments because I have a doctor's appointment (which is coming up at 6:30 p.m. PST) today and I wanted to blog so this topic came to mind.

That's all I have to say about this topic for now. Just putting it out there. I'm sure my close friends will now keep reminding me that I'm being silly, which is fine. :)

I hope my next post (tomorrow, maybe?) will be much happier. I'm off of social media for the week. I hope. We'll see. I am weak when it comes to posting updates. No, sharing links directly from Catholic websites onto Twitter does not count; I mean actual "I'm bored; this is what's going on with me" posts. ;)

Anyway, I'm going to try to walk around my apartment because I don't want to fall asleep less than an hour before I have to leave for my appointment. Did I mention I only got a little more than 4.5 hours of sleep last night/this morning? Yep. I need to talk to the doctor this evening (not my regular doctor as far as I know) about not being able to fall asleep. Hopefully, that'll help keep me alert for a little while. Don't worry, my mother is coming with me to the appointment so I won't be driving by myself. Yes, I'll also try to avoid heavy traffic by using side streets. :)

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend and have a great start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Make Absolutely No Apologies For This

I know this is going to undoubtedly bring some pointed comments and maybe some possible arguments (that I will refuse to partake in) but I just need to say this for my own peace: I make absolutely no apologies for trying to connect what happens in my life with my faith.

I see every experience as a way to grow in my faith and in my relationship with God or as a possible clue from Him as to what I should be doing because I'm clueless and/or stubbornly set in my ways most of the time.

Illnesses? I see them as a way to remind myself that life isn't without sacrifices yet we must trust God and strive to move forward and stay on the right path.

Sudden changes in career and academic life when I felt "sure" and "comfortable" in the path? A good way to remember that sometimes we need to think less about what we want and more on what God's will is for us. Also, an excellent opportunity to grow as a person.

My failures? Good lessons in humility when pride tries to creep up.

I'm not sorry for anything I tweet or post (that isn't written in a moment of anger/annoyance). I know some of you have expressed your dislike of this (sometimes in a subtweet shortly after my own tweet) but that's how I've chosen to live my life. You don't have to like it or even agree with it. I just want y'all to know that I'm going to continue doing it. I'm truly sorry if you have a problem with it but I refuse to change this because it "gets on (your) nerves."

Anyway, I still have a couple of library books I want to get through before they're due so I'm going to go read them. :D I hope y'all continue to have a lovely weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

When the Dam Burst, I Was Honest with Myself

This past week was incredibly eye opening and revolutionary for me. While in earlier weeks I had been dealing with physical illnesses, this week it was all about emotional turmoil and spiritual dryness.

It happens every year around the anniversary of my father's death. I start feeling a bit apathetic, a little depressed, and a little anxious. It didn't help that I felt like people were dumping all of their problems on me and then disappearing once they "deposited" their problems into the human vault that is me. It's an unfortunate pattern with me; many friends only touch base when they need to unload and then I don't hear from them again until they need another round of venting.

After being physically drained from the dehydration, infection, and the consequent side effects of the medication, I wanted a little break. I wasn't going to get it with July 11th (anniversary of my father's death) coming up but I wasn't expecting to get overwhelmed with everything else that happened. Between the dumping of problems, various other comments about me and others (read: gossip), and feeling, well, almost bullied into doing things I had no desire to do, it's amazing I didn't have a full blown panic attack.

The dam burst around Thursday/Friday. I sobbed. I vented my own frustrations to my poor mother who had to deal with a daughter who was fed up. "I'm tired of people judging me," I cried. "I'm tired of being pushed into doing what I don't want to do. I'm tired of people make snide comments. I'm tired of..." the list went on. She let me cry because she knows I occasionally need to emotional release when I'm overwhelmed by others' problems. Does this happen often? No, but it happens more often than I'd care for.

After I let all that pent up frustration out I did something I had been working up the courage to do: I was honest when someone upset me. I started doing it even before I read this article on Introvert, Dear. Instead of just bottling it up or pretending I was okay, I told whoever upset me that I wasn't happy. "I'm upset right now... let's take a break from this conversation," was my mantra this weekend. The reactions were varied. Some chose a very passive-aggressive route. (Thanks for helping me identify it, all those psychology courses I took as an undergrad!) Thankfully, I have incredibly understanding people in my life. It became quite clear who I could count and whom I couldn't. I only talked to two friends this entire weekend -- both incredibly patient and supportive guy friends whom I trust implicitly. I took a break from most things until I got my thoughts and emotions sorted out.

A beautiful thing happened during this time: my spiritual dryness lessened considerably and my eyes were opened. As I immersed myself in prayer after feeling somewhat apathetic for weeks, I began seeing that certain situations had been pulling me away from God and my prayer life. A number of things I have to go to confession for came as a result of these situations. The worst in me was being pulled out by certain friendships. When I took a breather and really saw what was my fault and what I couldn't take "credit" for, a peace settled in me. Furthermore, I saw which friendships brought out the best in me; which challenged me to become a holier and more humble version of myself, one who was more aligned with the kind of woman I'd like to be. With perfect timing, the chaplet of St. Michael Archangel I'd custom ordered from Allison arrived when I had this breakthrough. Well played, God. Well played.

Even though most of us are out of college (and then some), there are a couple of things that don't ever go away as we get older; things we think will die in college. Recognizing that we occasionally need to look at our friendships and be honest with ourselves is something I periodically do but it's never easy. You develop a camaraderie with people who may lead you down the wrong path or whom may be all wrong for you. I'm still learning that it's okay to say "I appreciate what they've done for me but it isn't a healthy friendship for either of us" (because I DO take into consideration what I bring into the friendship for the other person). I'm learning to not feel guilty for realizing that it's actually an act of charity (to myself) to do something for myself; something that will help keep me on the right path towards holiness.

I have a massive mountain to climb in the next couple of weeks, but I'll keep my beloved Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati's words in mind: "Verso l'alto." I must remember that I'm striving towards something that will be hard to obtain yet eternally rewarding: Heaven and sainthood. I can't do that on the path I've been on lately and it's going to take a lot of emotional suffering (on my side) to make things right. Well, the path to Heaven is not easy one but one I'll gladly suffer through to reach the destination.

That's it from me for now. I hope the temperatures go down a bit so I can make the last Mass of the day. I hate missing Mass so fingers crossed. In the meantime, I'll go read a book. :)

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Began Reverting to the Faith a Decade Ago This Month

Mom found an old box with receipts from a decade ago. This wouldn't seem like a big deal -- we all hold onto receipts for a long time -- but it's quite significant for me because the box contains all the doctors and hospital bills I racked up in 2006-2007. The bulk of it was from the summer of 2006 when they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I still remember it vividly...

Shortly after I turned 21 -- and around the time the 2006 World Cup (in Germany) started -- I began getting seriously sick. I would faint while taking showers. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was constantly nauseous. I had little appetite. I felt like I was going to have heart attacks randomly. I would "black out" (literally see black wash over my eyes) at random times. Blood work always came back fine. I would occasionally be slightly dehydrated but nothing to worry about it. "If she continues like this, she's not going to make it too long," I heard someone tell my parents. 

In those days, no one thought it was severe anxiety and PTSD. In fact, PTSD wasn't diagnosed until several years later. The doctors didn't even consider severe anxiety as a possible diagnosis. No one thought it was because the friends I had were mentally and emotionally abusing me. I didn't realize it myself. After a stint in the hospital (I spent 3 out of 5 days in a single week in and out of the hospital), the girls kept calling and harassing me. My parents were livid to say the least. It wasn't until my mother ordered that my social media accounts (in those days: Facebook and Myspace) be shut down and I cut off everyone (EVERYONE) from my life that things began to improve... but it took months. 

Spoiler alert: if you've read the first Will and Lina novel, this was one of the few things that I personally experienced that I wrote into the book for one of the characters. Candace was based on several of the girls that caused problems for me.

In the meantime, in June 2006, I began praying to St. Jude, the patron of difficult cases. My mom mentioned him. I was up for trying anything at that point. I wasn't remotely religious despite being a "cradle Catholic." I wanted to get well. I wanted them to figure out what was going on with me. I bargained (newbie mistake), if I got better, I'd stay in Los Angeles for school rather than leave for England like it was planned. Though I'd set my heart on Bath Spa University (yes, that's the actual name of it), I would stay put. Bargaining due to being poorly catechized, folks. Whatever. I began to see results. I started getting better. Not only that, my curiosity was intrigued. "You mean prayer works?" The seeds were planted. It was slow but by late September 2006 I'd fully embraced my faith and "officially" returned.

There some things from a decade ago that I want to regain. I feel like I've become overly cautious and serious. I wasn't always like this. I used to be described as "bubbly" and was just slightly more sociable (though always more introverted than extroverted) but I lost that after what I went through with the girls. This is something I've been working on in recent months and will continue to work on. These girls no longer have any power over me and I want to get back those aspects of myself that I miss. Still, I wouldn't trade it for what I've learned. In a weird way, I'm grateful for everything that happened because it's led me to where I am. I like the person I've become. 

I'm happy to say that my reversion back to the faith began 10 years ago this week(ish); definitely this month. I thank God for the journey, even though it's been an incredibly difficult 10 years with my health issues, the death of my father, and all the other stuff that's happened. If my mom hadn't mentioned St. Jude to me one of those nights we were in the E.R. and I hadn't began praying, I'm fairly positive I wouldn't have been here, blogging about this.

Anyway, that's it for now. I just wanted to share this. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to destroying all those ugly memories of the girls who tormented me and the hospital stays I had a decade ago. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Reason Why I Don't Always Post What I Want

No, the title is not click bait. I'm going to tell you exactly why I don't always post what I want and why some things never make it out of the "drafts" folder. Before I get into that, though, I'll give a little update on what's been going on with me. I promise it's all connected.

As most of you know, my big brother came to visit us from Texas for the week. It was great to see him and we had fun on our adventures (seriously still recovering from all those times we went out) but I don't think I've ever gotten so much out of one of his visits before.

He was not happy to see me so thin. In fact, his parting words to me were "you can do it! Get healthier. Gain some weight. You can do it!" (side note: yes, he said it twice.) Thankfully he didn't even see me at my thinnest. I am slowly gaining weight and getting healthier. My energy levels have risen significantly since I've started implementing some of the things I came up with to combat SAD as well as eliminated wheat from my diet. While I tested negative for a gluten allergy we've noticed that after eating wheat I'm physically and mentally drained. I've decided that, unless it's an emergency or it's the Eucharist, I'll be eliminating it from my diet. Receiving the Eucharist doesn't physical drain me; I've already tried it. :) So I'm making great strides there.

My stress levels are practically nonexistent. I think having my bro here also helped since he made sure I wasn't at home if he could help it. I didn't even stress or have any anxiety during rush hour traffic through Hollywood. Yeah, it's quite miraculous. lol. The great thing about him is that he's like my personal cheerleader. If he sees me start to doubt myself, he begins saying "you can do it. Don't have a care about it; just do it!"

This weekend I've been thinking about his words "you can do it! Don't have a care about it; just do it!" I had written a blog post yesterday but I didn't post it because I was worried about what others might've thought about the topic. My brother's words kept replaying until I went "well, darn it... it's my blog. Why am I so worried about what I write?" Hello realization that I don't always post what I want out of fear of what others think... especially when it comes to the faith.

I'm just gonna say it: I don't always post what I want because I've been accused of being "too pious" and/or too religious. I've become very self-conscious about what I share, not only on my blog and social media but also in person and with friends, because of the comments and eye rolls. I didn't say or write things to seem pious; I said and wrote them because that's what I felt and that's what I felt compelled to share. These days, I feel like I almost have to hide that part of myself because of what others say, which is incredibly silly of me to do but that people pleasing side of myself occasionally slips back into that terrible habit.

That's the thing though -- my faith is, by far, the biggest thing in my life. I've chosen to make God my main focus. I may not always share it and I'll fail at times but it's always there. The realization that I've hidden it out of fear of other's comments has made me very sad yet very determined to shed that fear. I don't need that in my life. I'm doing a disservice to God in keeping my love for Him to myself.

Yeah... you guys may not like the kinds of posts I will start posting in the upcoming weeks but, well, that's going to be the new normal. I'm sorry. What I'm going to write is what I think and what I feel. If you don't think or feel the same way, that's totally fine. I'm not here to judge anyone or anything but my own actions. You can disagree with me. You can say things to make me feel bad about my "ridiculous piety." Though I'm admittedly a sensitive person, I'm going to prepare myself for the comments and turn the other cheek. I'm not going to fight it. I'm sorry but I just can't keep doing it. Very curious that I got St. Rose of Lima as my patron saint for the year in Jen Fulwiler's random saint name generator last month. ;)

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest. Talking and/or writing things out helps me process things and also gives me an incentive to go through with the plans so... there you go.

I'm really enjoying my time away from social media with all the eBooks and audiobooks that I've been checking out of the Los Angeles Public Library so I'm going to start one of the two new books I got today. :)

I hope y'all had a great weekend and that you have a wonderful week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Messes and Brothers and Podcasts! Oh My!

Messes. Messes everywhere. I'm itching to get them cleaned up but I'll blog first because I don't know when I'll have time to write (or even read!) again.

If you've been following me on Twitter, you know that we had new carpet installed in our entire apartment last Friday. Thank goodness! Our carpet was about 15 years old and we were having major allergy problems with it, not to mention that the nails were starting to poke out. We started moving things on Thursday morning because it was scheduled to be done on that day but they ran out of time. Anyway, moving everything and having the old carpet ripped out meant that I had to disconnect the wifi since the cable modem is set up in the living room and can't be moved from that specific area. Yes, I was technically internet-free (at least via the laptop and iPod touch) for a while. It was quite liberating. I actually kept things unplugged for hours longer than necessary. I had my basic internet needs met by my phone and even then I didn't use it too much. It was great. That's part of the reason why I haven't blogged lately. That and...

My brother is visiting for the week! Hooray! He arrived on Saturday night. I was supposed to get my car back in time to pick him up from the airport that day. Nope. I called the mechanic (I kid you not) about 25 times all day trying to get a hold of him so I could get my car on time. At around noon he promised he would have it done before 7 p.m. Nada. He didn't call me back until around 9 p.m. (while I was arriving at the airport in my neighbor's van) telling me that he had the wrong power steer part and that he'd have my car ready for Monday night. Guess who still doesn't have her car back on Tuesday afternoon. Yep, still me. Thankfully my downstairs neighbor was kind enough to drive us to the airport to pick my bro up and then broski rented a car for the week (which I wish I could've prevented with the use of my own car) so we're set until this weekend when he goes back home.

Having my brother here has been great! We missed him terribly. I've been out of the house every day (except today) that he's been here which has been great but draining. I'm pretty sure his extrovert nature doesn't get that my introvert nature needs to recharge after days of going out. We've been to various parts of the city and county over the last couple of days. All that traffic. All those people. If I didn't have to wait for a call back from the city inspector (because they still haven't finished my bathroom; it's been 3 months now) nor had to take care of stuff here, I would've probably gone with him elsewhere today.

I'll be honest and say that I'm grateful to have the excuse to stay home today because I'm exhausted. He's an extrovert and bounces back quickly. I don't. I need my "give me a few hours to myself" time. lol. I'll be okay in a couple of hours, I'm sure. I felt bad not going with him on his mini road trip but, seriously, I need to recharge.

That's been my life in the last couple of days: messes from the carpet installation and hanging out with my brother. There's one more thing: this is not the official announcement but I'm toying with the idea of keeping a weekly Spanish-language Catholic podcast. The idea of a podcast has been presented to me by several people over the years but it never seemed like the right move or the right time for me. However, after searching for some podcasts for my mom, I noticed the need for them. Since my Spanish-language blog idea didn't get past the initial posts (I simply spread myself thin during a time when life was too crazy), a podcast seemed like the next logical step.

The yet-to-be-named podcast will follow the same idea as the Spanish-language blog only it will be in audio form so I don't get overwhelmed with too much writing when I return to school in April. There's something about hearing the tone of a person's voice instead of just imagining it in your head that makes a big difference in trying to get certain messages across; there's no guessing or miscommunication. I'm not a fan of my speaking voice -- especially in Spanish because I apparently have no identifiable accent -- but it's something I really want to do. Again, this is not an official announcement until the details get worked out but, God willing, I will have something by sometime next month. This month is all about my brother's visit and trying to get a few loose ends taken care of before I put my time and effort into something else. I'll be praying for guidance between now and then. :)

Anyway, this was just a little (ha!) update from me. Not sure when my mom and/or brother are getting home so I'm going to crank up my favorite tunes and get some work done while I have the house to myself. :D

I hope y'all are having a good start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Emmy: One, Week From Heck: Zero.

I'm okay. I'm alive. I'm (relatively) healthy. I'm still way behind on coursework, especially with everything that's happened lately... but I think I can finish everything (final paper, quizzes, and final exam) on time. I'm sure going to try. I've briefly cried from the stress but that's natural. I've vented to friends. I've prayed. I've come to the conclusion that I'll be okay. Hey, I'm not smiling for no good reason. I don't like showing false emotions that cover my true feelings. Actually, I'm fairly sure I'm incapable of doing it; people have told me that you can figure out what I'm feeling (or thinking, if you really know me) by simply looking at me.

I know some of you were worried about me after reading my blog post from last Tuesday. The feelings lingered through the next day or so but I stopped crying that night. (side note: huge shout out to the friends who either made me laugh or who let me vent it all out that evening.) I'm able to look back at the whole situation this way: I learned a lot from that meeting and for that I'm grateful. Yes, it hurt but good things came out of it. I got my prayer life back on track though it's not where it should be overall. I've been able to put God before everything else, though I'll admit that I still occasionally slip and get caught up in deadlines or lethargic feelings for a little while. Once I realize what I'm doing, I automatically shift my focus back on God. Also, bonus: I've had a couple of people benefit from my experience and it's led them to reevaluate their own prayer lives so it hasn't been all bad. :)

I also came to the conclusion that this was for the best. My former SD is a great priest (who maybe had an off day that day) but, as I was gently reminded by my mother and one of my best friends, I haven't gotten much out of my meetings with him for a while now. My prayer life needs to change. My spiritual growth has outgrown my daily prayer routine. As horrible as it sounds, I've gotten bored with the same routine and thus get caught up in just going through the motions. Maybe I would benefit from another priest's guidance.

I went through a period of confusion regarding everything but I think I've finally gotten clarity... or as much clarity as I can get while going through a rough time.

Despite confusion about whether I should continue with grad school or leave, I've felt peace about staying so I'm going to tough it out. Like I've repeatedly said, I do love my courses and my professors are great... I just got a bit overwhelmed falling behind on everything post-accident. I had to ask for an extension on my first Philosophy paper. I finished my Theology paper 4 hours after it was due because I decided that I would rather turn in the best paper I could instead of turning in something mediocre because I wanted to meet the deadline. I could've done that. I could've finished an hour before it was due... but it wouldn't have been my best work. I didn't even stress out when I couldn't upload my paper at 3 a.m. when I finished the paper and the school's website was down. That is unusual for me. Academic pride won't be a problem anytime soon. lol.

As for the career confusion: I was given many options lately but none that have felt right. Okay, let's put feelings aside: none of which I've discerned to be the right one for me. I've decided to postpone taking on a new job for now. I can afford that luxury -- to focus solely on school for the foreseeable future. If it gets to the point where I need an additional source of income (right now, novel royalties are helping), I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now: school is my focus. Whether I'll teach or work elsewhere will remain to be seen. All I can do is prepare myself for the future.

Regarding the topic I rarely write about on the blog or, really, talk about in general: I'm in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. There's not much I can do but pray for my future fella. I'm enjoying my time as a single lady (mostly because my parents raised a fiercely independent young woman). I've also learned to let go of any fears I might've had regarding my vocation. If anything, everything that I've gone through this year has shown me that I'm not only confident about my vocation but that I'm also ready for whatever God has in store for me. And that's all you'll get from me for a while so enjoy it. lol.

Yes, life has been tough. In the past week I:
- have lost my spiritual director.
- was billed for something my lawyer insisted I get done when my case was open and now refuses to pay for it.
- turned in an assignment late.
- have had my parking spot taken from me by the new building manager despite having it for years and being the oldest tenants.
- was relocated to the alley behind our building, not far from where a neighbor almost got raped a few months ago.
- was told by the manager's assistant that if something happened to me at 4 a.m. when I take my mom to work it wouldn't be "her problem." (The manager has since apologized for the remark).
- have been told by the latest mechanic that he wouldn't fix my car.
- was threatened with having my car towed out of my parking space even though I've been paying for it (included in my rent) if I don't move it out by tomorrow at 5 p.m.
- haven't had a chance to study or even read because I get pulled away to do other things by multiple people (this blog post actually took hours to write due to the same issue) throughout the day. Seriously, I haven't even eaten more than two slices of bread and three tortillas all day and it's now 5:32 p.m.
- and much more that I'm not even publicly sharing.

As I said, I've cried (to release the emotions instead of bottling them up) but that rarely lasts longer than a couple of minutes. I, thankfully, bounce back pretty quickly. I'm okay. I'm still smiling. I'm surprisingly optimistic about everything. My faith is growing stronger as is my trust in God. I keep repeating Psalm 46:1 and Philippians 4:13 (RSVCE) as well as offering everything up for the souls in purgatory. I'm good. Really. I promise. If you have a prayer to spare and want to send it my way, I won't say no. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all because I know some of y'all were/are and I haven't really blogged since. I've been so busy dealing with all these crumbs that I haven't had the time. Sorry.

I hope y'all are having a better week than I am (haha!). I will try to write again when I get the bulk of what I have due finished. Commence operation "Little Emmy That Could." ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Memorare: When Life Doesn't Make Sense

"Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary..."

I have no idea how I managed to survive the weirdest 24 hours (from the 19th through the 20th) of my life while on a roller coaster of emotions. A professor accused me of willful, deliberate plagiarism on an annotated bibliography and was quite rude about it (he has since apologized for his words; it was all one big, ugly misunderstanding). I studied my brains out (figuratively, of course) over the course of days for an exam that I was certain I would pass with flying colors... only to find out that the professor (same one who accused me of plagiarism) gave me a 72%. I have no way of figuring out why (he closes off his exams) so I'm stuck. But, it's all okay. I'll figure things out.

"... that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided..."

I got rid of my old desk (which I'd had for 20+ years). It was the same desk on which my first PC sat. The same desk on which many tears fell during my teen years due to bullying. It's where I sat when I got those emails from a former classmate telling me to kill myself; telling me I was worthless. It's where I started this blog... where the first draft of my first novel was written... It was where I sat when I did my research when I first reverted back to the Faith. Most importantly, it was the desk that I assembled with my father when I was a child... and that I disassembled (by myself) as an adult. In a weird way, it felt as if I was letting go of the past and all that held me back; that it was the final sentence written on that chapter of my life. I feel as if our Heavenly Mother has been (and will continue to be) by my side as I prepare for the new chapter.

"... Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother..."

My godson, Neil, was born. Alli (his mama) is a rock star. However, I worried about the labor as it took quite a long time. I slept with the phone next to me... took it everywhere I went (and I'm so not a phone person)... and checked in with Dustin (the dada, lol) throughout the day. I sent the Memorare prayer to Dustin during the labor so that he and Alli could pray it together while we all waited for little Neil to be born. It's the least I could do (besides pray) from across the country.

"... to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful..."

I realized something (okay, a couple of things) that I didn't like about myself and some things I do. I get discouraged easily... but only briefly before I find a positive spin that motivates me. I worry... but I've been learning to trust God more so the worry hasn't lasted very long recently. The negatives are bad habits I picked up (from observation) as a child but that I've been working on breaking as an adult (I'm getting there!)

"... O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions but in thy mercy hear and answer me..."

At the end of the 24 hours (and I have omitted some more personal things), I'm surprised that I survived without a panic attack or more tears being shed. Besides the Memorare prayer, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13) kept running through my mind. Even though I was bombarded with obstacles, none of it seemed important in the "my life is over" sense. If I don't pass my courses with my, ahem, lovely professor, fine. I'll retake them. If I have to stick around for an extra semester, I'll do it... though I'm really hoping I can pull off at least B-'s in my courses this semester. If my grades stink too much for grad school (for this particular subject), I'll stay at the SLPA level. That was my initial goal anyway; work as an SLPA for a while and then go for my Theology MA. I'll be able to do exactly what I want to do (help carry out the treatment plans for the children with speech disorder) with the SLPA license.

I don't know what my future holds... but I'm okay with that. I don't think I'd want to know anyway. Though life (read: school.. and some other things) is difficult at the moment, I wouldn't trade it for an uncomplicated one. God is preparing me for whatever He has in store for me so I have to tough it out for a while. I believe these trials are there for a reason I do not know or understand but I trust Him completely. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..." It was one heck of a 24 hour period but I'll be okay. I know that God and Mama Mary have my back and that's more than enough for me.

"Amen."