And… Green Light!

 

Hello there!

It’s been… months. Almost 7 months. I didn’t mean to go so long without an update but life and other adventures kept me busy.

In that time I finished the last online cohort of Reform Wellness. Last month they discontinued the online program to focus on in-person meetings. I learned a lot about myself and picked up a lot of knowledge that I’m slowly implementing to help me in all areas of my life. I’ve already seen the fruit of the program and hope I can dig deeper once I am able to focus on it once again.

In the last couple of months my health has been a roller coaster. I’m in the hands of a great allergist who has ordered tests for Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and histamine intolerance after all my allergy tests came back negative. Because I react to so many things (and have for several years), she agreed with the registered dietician who suggested I might have one or the other. Though I haven’t done the labs yet, we pretty much confirmed that I have MCAS when I had a severe allergic reaction to I.V. antibiotics at the E.R. The E.R. doctor said he couldn’t officially diagnose me but I clearly had mast cell degranulation symptoms. I ended up getting Benadryl, prednisone, zofran, and something else to calm the reaction down. It was the first time I ever had a reaction in which I honestly thought I was going to die. I was grateful I had the doctor in the room when I started reacting and that I had mentioned MCAS earlier because he was able to help immediately. (Side note: my mom, who was at the hospital with me, blames him for giving me an antibiotic I had not okayed — he had told me of a different one but that’s another story.)

After that episode,  it took a full month for the flare up from that episode… and now I’m having a POTS flare-up because it was 104 degrees Fahrenheit last time I checked and, despite having central AC on and a neck fan blasting, it’s still too hot for me. It’s a never-ending cycle of flare ups from about mid-April until late September or mid- October. It’s a pattern I’ve noticed over the last few years so at least I can prepare well as I can and hope it’s enough.

This leads me to a realization I had yesterday and needed to get it out through writing.

For the last couple of months, I’ve felt like God has closed another (major) chapter in my life;  like He’s prepared me with the tools I need to move forward… but I don’t know when, how, or why. I’m trying not to be a toddler by continually asking Him “why?” though it’s tempting.  I really want to; I hate surprises and like to be prepared for anything that might happen but if there’s one big thing I need to do is to re-learn how to trust God.

Next month I’ll celebrate my fifth anniversary as a Benedictine oblate. I would be lying if I said that these last 5 years haven’t been the hardest of my spiritual life. While summer into fall of 2023 was when I was in the pit of spiritual desolation and saw the mass exodus of Catholic “friends”, I can now see why all of that was absolutely necessary for my personal and spiritual growth. And I’m seeing my current health struggles as part of that growth.

Those of you who’ve been reading this blog for a long time may recall me saying that I never felt as close to God as when I was sick. I felt a greater purpose for my health issues, even if I didn’t know them at the time. And that continued until November 2020 when I felt like His presence was completely gone. That zeal and fire remained missing for a few years while my focus became on my health. Sometimes it felt like He had given me permission to be selfish and focus on myself but I didn’t like the great chasm I felt between Him and I. I don’t remember if I ever wrote about what happened during those months in 2023 (I’ll go back later and check; I’ll write a post if I didn’t) but it was the worst time in my life. My physical health was the best it had been in years but all other areas in my life had fallen apart, especially my spiritual life. Now that my health is back to “square one” with re-learning about myself (three years of steroids and two years to get back to my baseline normal, I feel like I did during my reversion in the summer into fall of 2006.  I think we’re back on that path, but this time I’m a more willing participant in carrying my health cross(es).

There have been a few changes in recent months that feel like I finally have all of the puzzle pieces that I currently need; enough to move forward and be proactive in my life while still having to place a lot of trust in God with things I’ve yet to figure out.

My biggest challenges at the moment are trying to hand over full control of my life to God and move forward after being stagnant for so long. After these last 6 years and everything I went through — from the near fatal adrenal crises, losing my eyesight, becoming disabled with chronic illnesses, having the medication that initially kept me alive (during adrenal insufficiency) then mess up my brain chemistry for a long time, and now being back at my baseline and having to deal with health issues I have to actively work at managing — it’s no wonder that I’m having problems doing it. I’ve been in this hyper-independent, selfish mode for so long, it’s going to be hard breaking the cycle. But I’m willing to do it.  

For years I felt like God asked me to stop and stay where I was. Little Miss Independent/Driven was forced to stop and just… be. I didn’t always trust Him during that time (again, I’ll go back and see if I ever wrote about that time) and I hated feeling stuck… but I think I now understood why. And I’m grateful for that time of rest. But now I can’t do that anymore. I can’t stay still. I can’t ignore that God has placed very concrete things in my life that I feel like He’s asking me to do. I can’t ignore that tug in my heart to let go of some things and move forward. So that’s what I’m going to do. And I’m sure I’ll be kicking and screaming some of the way but, hey, if that’s what needs to happen for me to get back to where He wants me to do, let the tantrums run. 

I don’t know how much of this journey I will share on this blog. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more private. Or perhaps I’ve simply become more Benedictine in my ways. But when I feel, deep in my gut, that maybe I should share something, I will. The spiritual stuff, definitely. The rest? I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Anyway, that’s my update for now. I make no promises about when I’ll write again but I will. I have a feeling God is not done with me (or me sharing my faith journey) yet.

I hope you’ve all been well since the last update.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!