Thank You for the Anger, God!

I'll be the first to admit that I have a temper once I'm pushed beyond my limits. I think we all have that limit where we endure all we can before we're pushed beyond our limit and become prone to feeling anger over whatever it is that provokes the emotion. However, I sometimes feel like when I get angry, I get really angry. Like, "ooh, child, you best watch yourself and walk away" angry. It doesn't happen often but, when it does, it can surprise even some of my oldest friends.

I feel things very deeply. The good, the bad... homegirl is sensitive to it all. lol. Hi, I'm an HSP and an INFP; it's ingrained in me. I know many of my friends were surprised to see me being so steady and not breaking down after my father died but that was because I internalized everything when people were around. I broke down when no one was watching. I tend to do that. I might've presented a strong front, especially when my mother completely broke down at the funeral, but that was because I was being outwardly strong for others. Inwardly? I was a wreck. I then became numb to all feeling for about a year because it was my way of keeping myself from breaking down completely and having others worry about me.

If I see someone hurting, my heart breaks. I will immediately tear up and this instinct to do whatever I can to help alleviate their suffering kicks in. It can be a mother asking for money outside of groceries stores. It can be seeing the destruction following a natural disaster. What hurts me most is when people lose what's most important to them -- their loved ones, their homes, their livelihood.

On the flip side, if I see someone happy, I burst with happiness for them. I cry at weddings with the biggest smile on my face. When one of my friends expresses their joy over something, I feel it too. Engagements, marriages, babies, job promotions, accomplishments, if you are happy, my heart is full and it feels as if these things were happening to me.

I've always had people trying to stop me from (by making me feel ashamed of) being emotionally expressive. Up to a point, I can see why. Some people do try to take advantage of those who feel strongly by means of emotional manipulation. I've been a victim of this more times than I care to admit. I am getting better at distinguishing when someone is using emotional manipulation. Of course, when I realize this, I become angry because it's a terrible thing to do. I don't understand why people do it.

And that brings us to the emotion of anger and the topic of this post. I feel this emotion deeply as well. Injustice makes me angry. Lies and manipulation make me angry. Abuse of any kind makes me angry. If I see someone being bullied, attacked, or anything of the sort, I get very upset. I used to confess this (often) because I used to think that getting angry was a sin. It became a source of scrupulosity for me. It wasn't until someone explained that feeling angry is natural and not a sin but that acting upon that emotion can become sinful that I stopped being so scrupulous. It's gotten better and I don't confess it unless something uncharitable escapes my lips or I act upon my anger (e.g. icy glares) but I still don't like how angry I can get sometimes. It's not a nice emotion. I don't like things that aren't nice. Sue me.

I have some consolations about this terrible anger I feel sometimes. Jesus got angry and cleansed the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). (side note: if you've ever wondered why I say "flippin'" when I'm upset about something, it's from this -- from Jesus flipping some tables in righteous anger). St. Jerome, who felt anger ardently, is the patron saint against anger for a reason yet he did great things for the Church. St. Teresa of Avila, who was also known to suffer from fits of anger, helped co-found the Discalced Carmelites (along with St. John of the Cross) because she had had enough of seeing the corruption within the Carmelite order. Through these (and many more examples), I've come to realize that I can use this particular negative emotion for good.

I believe that if we feel things deeply and don't get carried away by the emotions we can do a lot of good. The anger can be channeled to do something positive. The same with the sadness and (more easily) the joy. If we can keep this in mind, why are we still shamed into repressing them? A big reason why I developed anxiety in my mid-teens was because I bottled up most of my emotions. Any of you wondering why I haven't had regular panic attacks like I used to? It's because I've no longer bottled up my emotions, good or bad.

That's not to say that I've got it down pat. Sometimes, I can explode -- with anger or joy. Let's be honest, as human beings, we all do. I can usually keep things in perspective but when you add outside factors like lack of sleep, hunger, and other things, it's not as easy. However, it's not impossible.

I recently faced a lifelong problem with anger towards a certain family member. I prayed novenas about it and I sought the advice from trusted friends. God allowed me to understand that what this family member was doing to cause the (righteous yet still unpleasant) anger in me was being done unconsciously and that it was a result of some deep emotional scars within this person; none of it had anything to do with me. I exploded (in a quiet, controlled way) yet calmed down enough to sit down and talk to this person. 2 hours (and many tissues) later, we seemed to have sorted through things. I pray that God continues to help us keep our differences and outside influences in mind so that we can continue to repair the relationship but I know it's going to be somewhat of an uphill battle because it was decades of bad habits to undo.

Despite that drama (and I hate drama), I'm thankful to God for allowing me to have those moments where my temper exploded and I was able to look at things as a whole because it comes with the hope of a better relationship with the person. I still have to work on occasionally losing my cool when driving (L.A. drivers are notoriously rude) but I've seen the good God can do through the bad so I'm feeling optimistic about learning how to better control my temper overall.

How about you? Do any of you have a strong temper/temperament that you need to work on? Have you thought about asking God for help in learning to better manage and control that temper? Remember that you can always call of St. Jerome and/or St. Teresa of Avila whenever you're feeling particularly uncharitable in a heat-filled moment. :)

Well, that's it for now. I actually wrote this post days ago but I had work to do (which I will hopefully share soon) and then we had our apartment blessed for the Epiphany so I've been either sleeping, working, or cleaning up. Oh, 2018, you're a pip! lol.

I hope you're all having a lovely start to the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

St. Francis de Sales is Setting Me Straight

Did you ever start something but didn't finish it until much later than you anticipated which, in hindsight, was perfect timing? Have you ever wanted to send someone something -- a letter or a gift -- but didn't get around to sending it until days or weeks later, not knowing that they were struggling with something and that your gift arrived when they most needed it? That's what I'm experiencing with Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales.

I started reading it during Lent but didn't make it past page 44 for some reason. After I decided to give myself time to work on my relationship with God, I started rereading it and it feels like he's talking directly to me. So far, in the first 20 pages, he's touched on exactly what I recently went through and what I need to work on now.

St. Francis de Sales talks about giving up sinful ways, but how it's much easier to have the intention to give it than giving it up along with the affection for the sin, which tempts us and makes it easier for us to fall back into that particular sin.

"... there are penitents who forsake sin, yet without forsaking their sinful affections; that is to say, they intend to sin no more, but it goes sorely against them to abstain from the pleasures of sin;-- they formally renounce and forsake sinful acts, but they turn back many a fond lingering look to what they have left, like Lot'a wife as she fled from Sodom."

When I read this (pages 16-17 on my Kindle edition), I had this "aha! This is the first thing I need to work on" moment. Yep. You got me, St. Francis. I'm ashamed to admit it but that's exactly what happened in over the course of a year (July 2016 through last month) when a group I recently detached myself from became part of my social life and I began having second thoughts and (a bit of) regret over having given up the lifestyle I had from my teen years up to when I was 20, only a year before I reverted to the faith.

I knew that these people live in a way and do a lot of what is contrary to Church teachings but they presented everything in this attractive little package -- and they were all so nice despite what they did -- and I found it very hard to resist the temptation. I mean, I did -- which I'm sure was all the Holy Spirit and saints interceding for me -- but it did a lot of damage to my relationship with God because this all happened right after I cut toxic friendships out of my life and was in a vulnerable place. Needless to say, that led to my struggling with the faith and, well, if you've been reading this blog over the last couple of weeks, you know the rest.

"... If you seek to lead a devout life, you must not merely forsake sin; but you must further cleanse your heart from all affections pertaining to sin; for, to say nothing of the danger of relapse, these wretched affections will perpetually enfeebled your mind, and clog it, so that you will be unable to be diligent, ready and frequent in good works, wherein nevertheless lies the very essence of all true devotion."

I read this and I immediately went "... I have to give up *insert social media platform,* don't I?" It wouldn't be impossible but it would be hard for me because it's been helpful on my quest to repair my relationship with God. Still, there was a lot of temptation to slip up so I had to do something slightly drastic that I normally wouldn't do: I blocked everyone and whoever was associated with them to avoid seeing any of their updates on my feed. I unfollowed the core group of people weeks ago but weak little me used to say "Oh, that's a new picture that popped up on my feed... it'll just be a quick peek to see how they're doing." Some days were easier than others on this front. Some days my self-control is great. Other days (most days, let's be honest here), I'm too weak. That's why I knew I had to block everyone.

I hate blocking people on social media (I feel like rude doing it and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings) but I actually went ahead and spent quite some time going on a blocking spree. I know they won't notice but I've already noticed the big difference for me. My feed is quieter and I feel less stressed out. Most importantly, I don't get distracted or tempted to "check in" on anyone... because I can't. I've done all I can to make sure that temptation won't be there.

I can't allow myself to hate these people (I think I'm incapable of it, anyway) and I will pray for them. What was that quote (also by St. Francis de Sales) that I shared on the blog's FB page? "Love your neighbor with a great, charitable love, but befriend only those with whom you can be mutually supportive in virtue." It may sound harsh to some people but it's important to be careful about who you surround yourself with because they can either help lead you to Heaven... or help lead you astray. Learn from my mistakes, y'all -- especially you younger readers.

I feel like a terrible person for the blocking and everything I just wrote but I have to be honest with myself and know what needs to change in order for me to get back on the right track. As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, my struggle with the faith took the biggest hit when I started feeling like I didn't have what I took to remain a faithful Catholic but being surrounded by the folks I was introduced to last summer only caused more problems.

I'm not blaming them because they didn't do it on purpose but having them in my life didn't help. I had to retreat a little, get back into more frequent contact with friends who are good for me (who challenge and inspire me and my faith), and now I'm making sure that I don't fall back into all of that mess. It will all make more sense once the third novel is out because I'm taking a lot of what I went through in the last year and incorporating it into the third novel. That's all I'm saying.

Earlier today I went to Adoration (First Fridays FTW!) and I just sat there and asked God to help me through whatever else I'm going to have to face in order to better my relationship with Him. I didn't want to leave Adoration (I rarely do when I'm there) but I had to because I knew I have a number of things to do that I couldn't put off. It was in that moment that I knew that I'm on the right track once again. I know a couple of local Adoration chapels that are opened either perpetual or, at least, are open during most of the day so I think I'm going to visit Jesus more frequently, and even take Introduction to the Devout Life with me.

I look forward to seeing what else St. Francis de Sales has in store for me. I know he'll help set me straight and that it'll be quite beneficial for me. Also, I'm sure that between him and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (who've been my tag-team patron saints this year; they came out of nowhere, lol), I'm going to grow a lot in my spiritual life over the next couple of months. Who has two thumbs and is uber excited about that? This gal!

Alright, that's enough stalling. I have a couple more things to do -- including work on the novel -- so I should skedaddle and get to it.

I hope you all had a lovely week and that you have a blessed weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When Taking Care of Yourself Becomes Overindulgence

Last night and this morning I was thinking about my third novel and I had the inspiration to share (on the blog) something I'm currently in the process of working through: learning how to take care myself in moderation.

For years, I battled anemia, fatigue, and being underweight. In fact, I recently hit my normal weight range which I haven't been within since I graduated as an undergrad, 5 years ago. Anemia is physically (and even mentally) debilitating. I was tired all of the time and had trouble concentrating or even doing the simplest things (like remembering that I had water boiling on the stove; thank goodness for a whistling kettle). I would fall asleep sitting down, in the middle of the day. I would want to take a nap within 2-3 hours of waking up... after 8-10 hours of sleep. I would often be found in bed, laying there most of the day because my body felt very heavy and it was exhausting simply sitting up. It wasn't laziness; my doctors all confirmed it was due to the anemia. I didn't have the physical (and mental) strength to function like a normal human being.

I tried to push myself and do things despite my physical weakness but that ended up backfiring and I spent more time in bed, trying to regain strength. When that happened, I knew I had to admit "defeat" and allow myself to do what my body wanted. If I felt tired, I would take a nap. If I felt I couldn't walk any longer, I'd sit until I felt well enough to continue. If I was hungry, I would eat. If I was thirsty... well, you get the idea. Whatever my physical needs were, I took them as cues from my body that that was what it needed. It was that (and taking the multivitamin that apparently boosted my iron and folate levels quite quickly) that helped me get healthy once again. Hooray for learning self-care!

I learned that it's important to take care of yourself -- something I was sadly lacking since I tended to put others' needed ahead of my own and this is something I've done since I was a child. I didn't think of what I needed or even wanted. I did what others needed. It's not a bad thing, but it can become a bad thing. I've been taken advantage of by those who saw that I was easily exploitable. It's something that I've had to learn to better manage; to learn to say "no" and not feel guilty about doing. Seeing that I was making myself sicker by not taking care of myself was a massive wake-up call and one that I'm grateful for since I know it'll be useful once I have a family of my own (someday, I pray). Now I have to learn the other side of taking care of yourself: doing things in moderation.

Before I get into that, a bit of background info for you new readers. I feel like I'm getting those selfish years I didn't get when I was younger. As those of you who've been long-time readers may recall from previous posts, I didn't have your typical adolescence or young adulthood. I helped take care of my parents when most of my peers were going out with friends. I didn't go parties. I didn't go out on dates (and I've yet to be taken out on a proper date. Seriously). I didn't even go to slumber parties. Sure, I regularly went to concerts between the ages of 18 and 20, but I always came home right after the shows. When I hung out with friends (in those years in which my father's cancer was in remission), I would come home early. Simply put, I was a responsible kid. I avoided drugs, alcohol, sleeping around, and every other vice you could possibly think of for someone who grew up in  L.A. My then "friends" used to tease me for being an "old lady" or a "prisoner" of my own home but that's just how I've always been. When I was in school, I focused on that and didn't go out. When my father's cancer returned (and eventually became terminal), I was even more homebound than normal After my father died, I focused on school until I graduated. Almost as soon as I graduated, I got sick and it's taken 5 years to get to the bottom of all the problems I ended up having.

Now, taking care of yourself isn't bad. I'm back to my pre-graduation normal weight. My health is the best it's been in several years. My anxiety is virtually non-existent these days. I have a (more or less) clear path on which I'll be traveling down on over the next year or so, if it continues to be God's will. I've placed myself in God's hands and it's been a wonderful thing. But... I'm getting slightly off-track now.  While doing what you need to do stay health is great, it can backfire which is what I'm dealing with right now.

As you could probably guess from the title, I'm currently trying to learn to do things in moderation because what worked for me while I was sick isn't what I need anymore. I can't oversleep anymore (and my body has actually ached on days when I sleep more than 8 hours). I can't eat more than I need to. And before you ask, I used to lack on appetite and had to force myself to eat some days... which is how I got into the habit of eating even when I didn't feel hungry. That and, for a long time, I couldn't take iron pills and I had to eat a lot of food just to get enough iron in my diet for the day to not make the anemia worse. I've gotten into the habit of doing much more for myself than most other people do and it's one that I know I will struggle to break out of.

I have the hardest time breaking habits, both good and bad. I have to re-train my body to be fine with 7-8 hours of sleep when I can get them (which, thankfully, is most days). I also have to get back into the habit of getting to sleep early and getting up early instead of going to bed at 2 a.m. and waking up at 10-11 a.m. This will not be the easiest, especially since Mom's been on vacation since my birthday so I've gotten used to not getting up at 3-4 a.m. to help her get to work on time. I need to remind myself to listen to my stomach and to my body and stop whenever I feel myself getting full. I have to remind myself that the objective is to keep hunger away and not to make myself feel absolutely stuffed. Yes, I also know I won't ever have this luxury again... especially not once I get married and have a family of my own. That's why I say that I feel like I'm getting the selfish years I didn't have when I was younger; I only have myself (and my mom, to an extent) to worry about.

As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I have two more months off before I begin the next step in (what I believe to be) God's plans for me. I already have plans to work on my spiritual life (doing a big re-do/makeover of sorts) and I had my third novel to work on so it's not like I'll be sitting around the house, twiddling my thumbs. As soon as Mom heads back to work (this weekend), I get to reestablish my "housewife" routine of taking care of the house, running errands, and balancing the household budget by myself... on top of the plans I have for my novel and other things regarding my faith that will get me out of the house during the summer.

I will also try to go to confession more often because I know gluttony and an overconsumption of things are considered sins... and I'm tired of telling the priest I over-eat at least once during the week. *blush* If you haven't made the connection yet, the longer I went without going to Mass and confession, the easier it was for me to be selfish and greedy and allow myself to overindulge in sleep, food, and general laziness. I'm ashamed of myself for falling into this trap but it happened and now I'm holding myself accountable for all the dumb decisions I've made.

Please pray for me as I try to cultivate more temperance in my life. There are things I didn't mention in this post that will make things a little harder than usual for me when it comes to learning how to balance things, especially in the "ninja area" of my life that y'all know I don't like talking about on this blog. (*whispers* that means my "personal" life for those of you new to the blog. I'm notoriously private about my love life, y'all.)

Anyway, I think that's all for now. It's getting hot in my home office (we're nearing the triple digits this and next week in L.A.) and it's (unfortunately for me) the hottest room in the house so I want to escape this mini-oven before it gets hotter.

I hope you all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Sometimes You Need to Start Over

Hello, everyone! I'm sorry for the nearly 2-week radio silence (the last blog post about the novel sale not included). I've been going through a sort of a life do-over in most areas of my life. It would be too much to share in a single post -- and there is a lot I'm not sure I want to share just yet -- but let's just say that I needed these past two weeks to sort through a lot of things. I will share two major things though: my Mass attendance has been on point (yes!) and, on the suggestion of my new confessor, I've decided to sort of start over with my spiritual life.

First, I've made it to Mass AND confession for three consecutive weekends. Insert celebratory gif here. lol. It's been very disconcerting to look back and see how easy it was for me to develop terrible habits that caused me to sin much easier when I wasn't going to Mass more than once every 2 months. I try to take side streets when I feel a bit lightheaded (which, unfortunately, is still going on almost daily despite anemia no longer being an issue)... or even look for the last local Mass for the day (which I did two weekends ago) when I don't think it's safe for me to drive. I'm crediting the Holy Spirit for this (and a major decision I made recently). Yay, Holy Spirit!!

Second, I started going to confession (regularly) with a new priest and it's helped me out a lot. He gave me the advice to focus on my spiritual life during this summer since I have a nice 3-month break (now 2 months left) before the next phase of my plans (which I made with the help of the Holy Spirit and the intercessions of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati and St. Joseph) begin. I told him what I was going through and he suggested I take the summer to work on my spiritual life. In many ways, I'll be starting over again because I think I got stuck in a cycle of prayer or a way of thinking that was spiritually stifling me. My relationship with God was breaking down and it made it easier for me to miss Mass (even with legitimate excuses), to commit stupid sins, and just lose myself.

I actually came very close to, basically, throwing away the last 10 years of work in my spiritual life that I had done since my reversion. I will one day reveal everything that happened but let's just say that it wasn't until Mom and I did the novena to Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati that things changed for me and I was able to break out of that apathy and depression. I literally fell into a deep depression last month and it took me about three weeks to break out of it. Things picked up with my wonderful health news and then a had another huge boost on my birthday (May 30th). And to think that -- if I remember correctly either had a dream about Bl. PGF or if he just kept popping up in my life -- I decided to do the novena to Bl. PGF on a whim and my mom decided to join me. After seeing the almost immediate results of the novena, she's now a fellow Frassati fan.

This summer, my plans are basically to keep myself healthy, work on my spiritual life, and working on things that had fallen into disrepair during my months of spiritual dryness/attacks. I started with working on cultivating more patience in my life a couple of weeks ago and now I'm working on that as well cultivating temperance which became a big problem for me in recently weeks (I was overindulging in things; I'll hopefully write about this next). I guess we'll see just how I do with these things since I'm pretty sure I'll be sharing what happens on this new adventure. :)

Has anyone had to do something similar to this? Having to sort of start over or restructure your spiritual life? Please let me know if you have and what helped you.

Alright, I think that's it for now. I hope to write more often in the upcoming weeks but we shall see if I actually do it. I've been working on my third novel and I can spend hours writing chapter after chapter. My imagination has been churning out a lot of ideas that I'm liking for the plot so I tend to just focus on them before the ideas escape. Someone, please remind me not to neglect the blog while I work on the novel. Please. lol.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and a great start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Feel Restless in My Faith and with Myself

Deep breath in. 

I've been feeling incredibly restless in my faith and with myself and I know it's due to my lack of Mass attendance and trips to the confessional. 

Exhale.

You guys know that I've been struggling with attending Mass for months. Yes, months. I get a deep desire to go to Mass and confession but something always happens. What I wrote in October still applies. I feel like the worst Catholic... a sorry, pathetic excuse of a Catholic. I felt it particularly hard a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly cut out to be a faithful Catholic with how often I've missed Mass. I haven't been to Mass since Candlemas, and we arrived late and I was too distracted to enjoy it. During the last full Mass I attended a month ago, I had to keep my snobby and somewhat uncharitable thoughts to myself. 

If you're wondering what happened today: light-headedness, as is the most common reason for my failure to attend Mass. I didn't even pick Mom up from work today and that only happens when I get so lightheaded that I'm afraid of getting into a potential accident. "Well, that's a valid excuse," you may be saying, but it doesn't take away how uneasy I feel. 

The longer I go without attending Mass or confessing my sins, the more restless I get. I feel absolutely horrid as I type this out. I've noticed how bad things get for me the longer I go without both Mass and confession. First, I become less charitable and more grumpy. Then it becomes easier to do the smallest (and, oftentimes, dumbest) venial sins. Then my patience runs out easier. Things built up. My temper gets worse. I literally cannot focus on anything, especially in prayer. I can't focus on my prayers; they feel robotic and empty. After about the second or third week, I'm an edgy mess. Again, the desire is there but then fear sets in.

Fear is what's at the root of my missing Mass. Fear of getting into a car accident because I'm not as mentally focused as I should be. Fear of getting more sick or not being able to get the medical help I need (this is anxiety talking when I have palpitations like I did earlier today). Fear of physical pain. Fear of fainting, especially when I've felt physically weak like I did two weeks ago. Fear of this... fear of that...

I know that fear is not from God. I know that the evil one uses fear. I want to have the courage to push beyond that fear, but I can't. I don't know what stops me. Oh, wait... yes, I do: more fear. Sometimes, when I think I have the courage to actually go through with it -- to get in my car and drive to Mass -- I begin to second-guess my decision. The "what ifs" begin to roll around in my mind. What if I should just stay home and not risk myself and my health? What if I'm just making up excuses for myself because I don't want to go to Mass? (That last one is one that popped up in my mind). 

I've cried more than once out of my inability to attend Mass. In fact, I'm trying to fight that lump in my throat that is threatened to form while I type this post out. I know I need to talk to a priest about this problem, especially since I feel utterly overwhelmed at this point. I don't like how I feel... and when I say "how I feel" I mean how I act. I don't like living in fear. I don't like losing my temper more easily as time goes by. This isn't who I usually am. I've been (jokingly) referred to as a gal with patience to spare. I don't get angry for more than a couple of minutes. I can let things slide... except I can't. Not these days; not since my lack of Mass attendance began to break personal records.

I humbly ask for your prayers. Beyond praying and talking to a priest, I don't know what else to do. I feel helpless. I feel restless. I feel scared. I don't want to put my soul in jeopardy if I can do something about it. 

Okay... here come the tears. That's okay. Tears only remind me that I care. I care about my soul. I care about my relationship with God. Once my time here on earth is done, I want to spend eternity with Him. I can't do that if I don't feel grounded in my faith; if I keep missing Mass.

Deep breath in. 

Exhale. 

God willing, things will work out. I just need help. And, with this idea, I'm going to stop writing and email one of my favorite local priests to see if I can set up a meeting to talk to him or see if he can give me advice as to what I can do in the meantime (while I wait for my next trip to the confessional and Mass).

I'm sorry to end this blog on such a downer but this is real life. This is -- and has been -- my biggest struggle. Nobody said the journey of this Catholic nerd writer was going to be easy or even pretty.

Alright, email to the priest and then I'll try to catch a Mass on EWTN before my evening/nighttime prayers.

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

What I Learned Wednesday #14: "Oh Yes, She Did" Edition

I've behind on my What I Learned Wednesday posts because I either haven't had anything to write or because I was too busy on the day of (and the day before). Anyway, since I am socializing on social networks less, I have more to write... and more to learn, apparently.

This #WILW post is a little different. I have learned new faith-related things this week but I've also noticed that there are things I haven't learned as a Catholic blogger; things that I feel are very important. Instead of listing things I have discovered about the faith, I'm going to be making a list of things I have been missing even though I do know. Got it? Okay, here we go...

1. Despite my having this blog for over five years, I have yet to learn to quote the Bible and the Catechism in my posts, regularly. Have y'all noticed this? Sure, I occasionally do have a verse quoted but usually not. I have two reasons (poor excuses, really) for this. First, I've sort of assumed that everyone who reads this blog either knows the same amount or more than I do about the Catholic Faith... or at least Christianity. I've assumed that you know the Bible better than I do. The second reason is the main reason why I don't quote verses (and it goes with the first). Because I have assumed this, I have wanted to save myself the embarrassment of interpreting something wrong and/or quoting the wrong thing. Even though I do have a BA in Religious Studies (and seriously considered a Masters in Theology), I spent most of my undergrad studies "learning" about how orthodox Christianity is wrong, why the Church and the Church hierarchy is "evil" (I'm paraphrasing but basically their words), and little to nothing about the Truth. Not their version of the Truth but the actual thing. I have studied on my own but my memory is so horrible these days that I remember reading it in the Bible and the Catechism... but I don't remember where. That is my second reason. My memory is shot and, when I'm crunched for time, I just give up on providing a quote. And before you get all "well, can't you look it up?" on me, the answer is "no" on the Catechism and "I should" on the Bible. I don't actually own a copy of the Catechism. I've been borrowing from the library. It's been on my Amazon wishlist for (I kid you not) a couple of years now. One day. In the meantime, I really should quote the Bible more often because I have three copies of that and there is no excuse.

2. I should be more open about my failings as a Catholic. I don't know if you've noticed this about bloggers in general but very few of us actually own up to not being "perfect" Catholics. We want to present the best side of ourselves to the world. There's nothing wrong with that but I feel like it makes readers feel as though there's something wrong with them for not being on that level. I know I've felt that reading other blogs. I personally do own up to things I fail at (not as often as I would like) because that's who I am. I am far from perfect. Some of the priests who know me will say that I'm too hard on myself but I just don't want to make excuses for myself and I don't want to fall into a bad habit. I have days or weeks in which I don't keep up my prayers as I should or I do something sinful that's become a habit, such as the sin of sloth. I sometimes have a real problem procrastinating and doing things at the last minute because I have, unfortunately, gotten used to having all this free time on my hands. I waste a lot of time. It's horrible. I've had some really wonderful compliments in which people think I have it all together spiritually but I don't. I often forget to pray before and after my meals because it isn't something we did when I was growing up. Sometimes I think of things that could make me fall into sin and I get tempted to say "well, I can go to confession for it this week" (and thus sin because that's presumption of God's mercy) and that stops me... but I have weeks when it's a reoccurring mental struggle. It's these little things that I feel I should be more open about. We're all human and I want this blog to show that. We all make mistakes, but God forgives us and that's a beautiful thing we should never forget.

3. I'm stuck on what else to write so... here's a Blimey Cow video that I enjoyed. Guys, a lot of this is common sense but I still think y'all should watch. Maybe this will help us interact with one another. Don't worry, I have something planned for us gals soon as well. ;)



And now I'm off to be more productive... or at least try. ;) Hope y'all have a great day. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Feeling Close to God?! No Sinning?! Celebratory Dance!

That's right... I'm getting better! Of course, I'm a sinner (we all are) but my little vacation from the 'net has proven to be the best decision I've made lately. :D I'll admit that I am not completely offline (wouldn't be updating this blog if I was ;D) and I am keeping in touch with one of my best friends/soul sister, Angelica, as we're working on something together but I have disconnected myself from all other socializing. I do miss tweeting and interacting with friends on Twitter and FB but it's been for the better. Though I slept a total of 16-17 hours yesterday (yeah, anxiety's not been kind to me lately), I've still been able to spend my time reading books that are good for my soul as well as meditating on my relationship with God, which is improving.

I've been doing the Novena of the Seven Gifts (though I am a day off as I started it late) and it's been an incredible experience for me. It's really gotten me to think about what is important and what I (now) know needs to be changed. The changes will not be easy (but the things that are good for us aren't always easy) and it'll take a lot of strength on my part but I am willing to do it in order to strengthen my relationship with God. :) I can't even begin to tell y'all how wonderfully I've felt taking time to better that relationship. I can't describe how much I love God nor how close I currently feel to Him at the moment. It's almost as if, by taking this nerd's vacation, God said "You're taking this seriously, aren't you? Okay, I am here. What's on your mind?" In the past couple of days (despite the anxiety issues), I've felt like He's been helping me through the spiritual roadblock I'd been trying to get around for weeks. It might be a little silly, but I feel like He's listening (really listening) to everything I may want to talk about, anything that's been bothering me. One of the most important things is that I'm getting better and letting things go and trusting Him to provide with what is necessary. It's not always easy but I'm getting better at it. :)

One additional perk about the nerd vacation? Less sinning! Since I've been on my Twitter and FB break, I've found myself avoiding little things that caused me to have uncharitable thoughts or words about certain people or things. Trash talking during football (soccer) matches has been cut down (to the point where not a single mean word was uttered) and I was able to enjoy my Gold Cup matches (btw, go USMNT!!!!) like I did when my dad was still alive and I was the one who told him to be more charitable with his words. lol. I've also been able to step back and see how some of my friendships (both online and in real life) were affecting me with the negativity even when it was not directed at me. I've come to realize that I am happiest when I surround myself with people who try to not act negatively (or superior) and/or who are able to control their words and actions. Of course we all slip from time to time but I've been able to see who makes a genuine effort to stop it and to not offend God (or, really, who have taken responsibility for their actions) and who I will need to pray for because it's not good for anyone involved. I never knew how much I was personally affected by some of the words some of my friends had for people they (and I did) don't agree with. I still maintain my position that even your worst enemies deserve to be treated with some sort of respect (if only because God loves us all and treating a fellow human being rudely is not very Christian like) and I was reminded of that.

To put everything I just wrote in a nutshell: I'm SO happy with how my nerd vacation is going. I feel closer to God (and I've thought about how maybe the anxiety forced to stop and take the time to repair the relationship) and it's so exciting. Many things that I was unsure of are now becoming clear. Anything I was doubting is being answered. And the sinning I had fallen into (which I don't know how I ever got caught in it) has been made clear so I may stop it (or at least attempt to). YAY! I think this calls for a celebratory dance! Anyone who wants to join me is free to do so. Dancing experience is not necessary. ;)

Anyway, this Mexico v.s. Cuba Gold Cup match is coming up in about an hour and I want to spend some time in prayer before it so I guess this will be it for now. :D I greatly appreciate the prayers y'all have sent me way. They've certainly helped me start this vacation off right. :D Y'all are the best! :D

I hope your week has been great and that the upcoming weekend (Pentecost Sunday to less) will be wonderful.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Proud and Maybe a Little Prejudice

No, not Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice (though y'all should not be surprised with the picture I chose. lol).

My twitter chat with @CatholicDan this morning reminded me of something I talked to our newest parish priest about last weekend... my new struggle with pride. I don't think, and I hope I'm right, I've ever had problems with pride before but it's just one of the things (that I hate) that have come up since attending this school. (And I say "this school" because I'm currently sitting in the cafeteria, waiting for my Math class to begin.)

This is kind of like a sequel to my last post about going through a possible late rebellion. Sometimes, I'm so sure of what I know to be true (see? I'm already doing it) that I sit in the front row and openly make a face to show my disagreement with a professor's statement. I don't think I have all the answers, because I don't... not by a long shot, but I occasionally think I know the answers (or at least those leading to the truth) in comparison to my professors. Hello Pride, didn't see you sneaking up on me. Please go away. Now. The new parish priest (who is so new I don't remember his name, sorry!) told me to be a little more humble when I have these thoughts passing my mind. I am thankful that I do catch myself before I go down this path, and even more so after talking to the priest, but I do slip up. I don't mean to but I'm human and I do make these mistakes.

Last week wasn't as bad as the first two weeks back but I did have one or two "ugh, you're so wrong!" moments. I need to remind myself that if I do have the right answers and do know the truth, that I can share it with my classmates in a way that doesn't look like I'm trying to show off. I'm not, despite to contrary beliefs of some classmates who think I am "holier than thou"... because I pray before I eat and go to the chapel to pray when time allows. I'm sorry, I didn't know these things were done to show I'm "better" than others... because I'm clearly not nor do I ever think so.

I have seriously begun to look into transferring because I'm slowly losing the battle. I don't like the person I'm slowly becoming. I don't like that I am being proud and occasionally prejudice (I have decided not to participate in Campus Ministry despite majoring in Religious Studies). I don't like that my professors are shoving the liberal, feminist agenda down our throats more than ever. I don't like that I have been embarrassed by professors in front of classmates for trying to get them to clear some Biblical things for us. I am not happy. At all. I do still get a kick when I occasionally stump them but those moments are becoming less frequent when they pull the "I know more you do, so shut up" card on me. Again, I know they know more than I do, but I still think that telling us that homosexuality is of God and that God just wants us to be happy (hinting that if we want to go ahead and have a homosexual relationship it's totally fine). Oh and hell doesn't exist either. I mean, seriously? I don't know, I'm about to throw in the towel because this place is really bringing out the worst in me and it makes me want to cry.

Alright, I should go read a bit in one of the books that I cringe at. lol. I hope y'all have a great week.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Mean Girls and "Girl World"

When I first watched the movie Mean Girls, I'll admit I laughed out loud. While it may (at first) seem like an exaggerated version of "girl world", I've come to find that not only is it tame compared to the stuff a majority of us women go through (even as adults) but it's actually dead on underneath the humor. Trust me on this, I've lived through MUCH worse thanks to the cattiness and constant "power struggle" within the so-called girl world.

It wasn't until I found myself some really amazing girlfriends (a majority devout Christians of various denominations and Catholics) that I realized that it was possible to never set foot into the scary "girl world" that is alive and well in most parts of the world. So called Queen Bees are truly scary. Heck, I'll be 25 on Sunday and they still scare me. lol. While I can certainly defend myself, I often choose to simply turn the other cheek. It's much easier and more Christian than plotting my revenge against. Plus, I avoid drama like the plague; I absolutely loathe it. Things had been good for me for the past couple of years until someone pulled me (whether she meant to or not) back into the girl world I try so hard to avoid. If you haven't guessed it, a guy is (of course) at the center of this "fight."

I normally don't talk about my romantic relationships because I feel like it's just between the person I'm dating (or interested in) and myself. I'm still not saying much but I feel like this needs to be said because I haven't really seen this discussed in young women's blogs (at least not the Catholic ones.)

Why is it that when two young women are interested in the same guy, there is sudden competition? Not only that, some get downright vindictive if they feel you're threatening to take men's attention from her. Why? I don't get it. It's definitely worse when two girls are after the same guy. Usually they try to "one-up" each other, making themselves seem like the perfect girl to the guy and trashing the other in the process. It's absolutely sickening... and I refuse to ever take part in that sort of thing. If you think Christian women are saved, you are wrong my friends. Some so-called Christian women do things more... how can I say this?... sneakily? Is that even a word? Well, anyway, I've seen these women use theology and Christianity to get ahead in the "competition." Really? Seriously? How low can we go, ladies? Using God to get a guy to like you? Lord help us all! Not only that, the more we get into these "fights" and "competitions" the happier you're making the evil one. Is that what you really want?

Of course I don't think I have to remind y'all that not only is this type of thing just insane but it's actually extremely sinful. I can think of at least one big mortal sin that you commit while doing this. We definitely get tempted to do a lot of really stupid things just to "win" the guy. And, unfortunately, not many stop to think about what they're doing until it's way too late and the drama has erupted into a full on war. I am woman enough to admit that I've often been tempted to also "step up my game" when I've seen a girl trying to win over my crush by force (oh the tactics I can list...) but I've managed to do well thus far.

Like I said in my Friendship and Jealousy post, I firmly believe that what is meant to happen will happen. Lately, I've allowed my "competition" to do as she pleases -- doing things I'd never do to get a guy to like me -- because I know that if it's meant to be it will be. I am not going to stress myself over this. If the guy falls for the tricks he's being played, not my fault. I'm not going to say anything because that's her deal with him. Just like I don't like people butting into my affairs (trying to have a say in the outcome of it just because they can't resist), I am not going to mess with the other girl's deal. To me, it's not worth it. I'm going to be myself and if the guy doesn't realize who I am and what I can bring to the relationship, it's not my fault. I refuse to throw myself at him. I refuse to change myself for him. I refuse to enter "girl world" drama for anything, especially a guy. I'm just going to leave it up to God and, if necessary, ask St. Raymond Nonnatus (patron against gossip) or St. Margaret of Cortona for their intercession because I can only handle so much. If you feel yourself getting tempted by these or any temptations, feel free to ask St. Michael the Archangel, St. Benedict of Nursia, or St. Catherine of Siena for their intercessions -- I have great faith in them, especially since they are some of the patrons against temptations. :)

Alright, my dears, I will now focus on school. I've been wasting too much time online and I think all these happenings are a sign that I should get offline more often and focus on my finals. I think I'm getting to complacent -- I know I can finish all the work quickly so I procrastinate. I will try to update soon but don't be surprised if I don't until after Sunday. It is, after all, a big weekend for me. :D

I hope everyone is well and that all you lovely young ladies are having it easier than I have/am at the moment. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Breaking up is hard to do... especially when it's with someone or something that you've had in your life for a really long time. This week I've broken up with my bad habits.

For months I've been trying to shake habits I have detested, but have had, since I was a child. I could go weeks (even months) without doing any of them but then I slip when I'm not conscience thinking about what I am doing. Trust me, I sometimes act without thinking and that's when these pesky habits come out thus making me start all over. Since I've had these habits for twenty years now (sounds like I'm old, but as I said I started early on these) and since I want to start my 25th year on a positive note, I decided to break up with these darn habits that are going to keep me back from what I want to accomplish.

None of this is going to be easy. Just like with most break ups, it's going to be hard. I may to cry (mostly out of frustration if I slip) and bake mini cakes to eat in depression (I substitute cake for ice cream). I may be tempted to fall back into its charm (though, thankfully, it has none) but I'm putting my foot down. Enough is enough and I will not allow these things to hold me back any longer. I just have to remind myself that by eliminating these habits (like over-analyzing everything and being a big ol' worrywart) I will be able to better control my anxiety and that I'll be able to pursue and finish all I want to do.

Of course, I will substitute the bad habits with good ones so that the transition is much easier on me. One of them will be making a habit of praying when I feel the urge to start worrying about things. It's kind of funny that as optimistic and as accepting of God's will as I am, I still worry quite a bit. I think some of my worries are justified at times but I really should nip some of the more negative ones in the bud. It's gotten easier as I've gotten older but I still need to get rid of that habit. I am also going to try to go to daily Mass in the morning to help me with my habit of going to bed at 3 a.m. and then waking up really late in the morning or afternoon. I believe a lot of my poor time management has been because of this problem.

Now that Lent is ending, I hope to be able to do all of this so I can have one good confession in which I can finally confess some of these bad habits for the last time. :)

Alright, I think that is long enough for today. I really want to shorten the entries so y'all don't have to read much. I know how busy we've all gotten lately. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Deadly Sins Quizzes

Okay, I'll admit that this is one of those filler posts because I am trying really hard to finish all my work on time. Since I don't get to post many quizzes, I thought it would be fun to post these Deadly Sin quizzes I've taken (and which you can also take) via Blogthings. Take the answers with a grain of salt as they don't actually reflect Catholic beliefs... they're just a fun way to see how the secular world you rate your "deadly sins".

Your Gluttony Quotient: 38%

You have a pretty good relationship with food - you enjoy it, but you don't go overboard. You've struck the perfect balance between gluttony and self control.

How Much Gluttony Do You Have?

Your Sloth Quotient: 46%

You're definitely lazier than the average person, but you're able to live a somewhat normal life. All your life needs is a little more effort and variety, and you might see that doing hard things is actually fun!

How Much Sloth Do You Have?

These Darn Temptations

I have been tempted to do a lot of really stupid things lately. I can't even remember the last time I had these kinds of temptations either. The closest thing was probably a couple years ago, which I think I wrote about in one of the earliest blog posts. I am not quite sure how or why I am getting these sort of feelings but I am. It's taking a lot of will power to not give into these things, but I've slipped once or twice. Some of the temptations aren't actually that bad; venial sins at most because I sometimes don't realize what I'm saying or doing until it's too late. Others are really, really, really bad. I can justify them and make them not seem bad but deep down, I know it's really, really, really bad. The kind that both disgust me and make me want to ask St. Michael the Archangel to help me out because I don't want to submit to that kind of temptation. I'm sorry for the vagueness but I don't want to say what some of these temptations are. I will say that some are like little white lies, which I hate because I loathe lying. Other things are little hiccups of not so nice words (not exactly curse words but getting there). Like I said, I'll slip but I immediately feel really bad.

I was just wondering what you guys did when you get tempted to do or say something that is horrible. I don't get tempted to do stupid things that easily (I could give you a list of names of people who've tried to get me to do everything from doing illegal things to throwing away my purity like it was nothing special) but the enemy is really working hard to get me to slip. Is it because it'll amuse the enemy more if I slip during Lent? Is it because I've had a pretty clean slate and can go weeks without confessing anything? I don't know... all I know is that I have got to find a way to get rid of these darn things because they're bugging the living daylights out of me.

Btw, speaking of temptations, please know that if for some reason you slip (and don't do it consciously saying "well, I can confess it this weekend"), you can always ask God for forgiveness and go to confession. There is no better time to go to confession than during Lent. I go weekly (or twice a month) even if all I have to confess is one tiny little venial sin. Priests tell me I'm too hard on myself but I can't help it. I want my conscience clean, okay? lol.

Alright, I should try to get everything done before I can have some free time. Free time... I hardly knew ye. lol. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Fr. Alberto Cutié; Tribulations; What Kind of Catholic Are You?

I'm sure many of you have heard of the Fr. Alberto Cutié scandal that has completely shocked everyone. Trust me, my jaw dropped when mom told me to look it up online. I thought to myself, "there is NO WAY this is real. It has to be fake!" Dad said Fr. Alberto was tempted by the devil. Mom agreed and added that it seemed like he was set up. Everyone has their theory on it... and I won't add to the speculation of whether he did or didn't. All I will say is that, he's human and humans make mistakes. Do I condone what he did? Definitely not. Were the right actions taken by having him removed of his duties? I think so. Do I forgive him for his transgressions? Absolutely. How can I expect to be forgiven for my sins if I can't forgive others for theirs? Of course, you can argue that since he is a priest, and took a vow of chastity, that his sin is quite the biggie. Either way, I will definitely be praying for him. You can read his statement at his site.

It seems that many of us are having trials and tribulations lately. My dad checked himself out of the hospital on Monday, and I don't blame him. The head nurse was a tyrant and was really rude towards my father. The good news is that he looks much better now AND I've just scheduled an appointment for him on Friday. We'll hopefully know exactly what he has and then go from there. I'm still hoping it's just liver problems and not cancer (for the third time). Yesterday we had to take my mom to the hospital (a different one; we each have our own places) because she was in a lot of pain. That just stressed me out a bit. It turns out her arthritis was just flaring up, big time!, but nothing worse. I am now in charge of taking care of my father and his appointments, plus the housework since my mom can't with her arthritis... on top of my schoolwork. I refuse to crack, though. I know there has to be a reason why I'm being given all this responsibility all at once. The good thing is that I've had little anxiety, and no panic attacks (thank you, St. Dymphna!) thus far. Either I'm just weird or I'm just a very "glass half full" person, but I actually see all that is happening as blessings in disguise. It's showing me that I'm stronger than I thought I was. All of this is preparing me for when I have a family of my own some day. Most importantly, it is bringing the family closer together. I've been finding that saying prayers, as well as being able to concentrating on the Rosary, is coming much easier to me. And, really, all of this is just bringing me closer to God and for that I am very grateful. It's very "Daily Rosary Catholic" of me.

What? You never heard of a "Daily Rosary Catholic"? Well, according to a "What Kind of Catholic Are You?" quiz on Beliefnet.com I am a Daily Rosary (Very Traditional) Catholic. According to the result description I'd "like the church to revive the time-honored devotions, liturgical practices, and strong institutional discipline that prevailed before the Second Vatican Council—and [I'm] hoping that Pope Benedict XVI will lead the church in exactly that direction. [My] favorite hymn is probably a traditional Latin composition such as the "Panis Angelicus," and [my] favorite pope is probably a pioneer of the Church's great liturgical tradition such as Gregory the Great. [I] loved 'The Passion of the Christ.'" Yeah, sounds about right. lol. If you take the quiz, please let me know what your result is. :D

Alright, well, I have some studying to do so I should go do that. If not study, then relax and maybe take a nap. I only had about 4.5 hours of sleep last night (eesh!). OH! Before I forget, I haven't replied to emails in a week or two but I'll reply by tonight. I do read your emails, just haven't been able to reply to the longer ones. :D

I think that's enough reading for y'all tonight. lol. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. Have you voted yet?

Brain Overload; Feeling Blessed and Thankful.

Oy. My brain is overloaded with facts of Hinduism. I'm about 2 days late on my paper about Hinduism, as well. :( Bah! I didn't have the cash, or transportation, to get the book on time thus making me fall behind. Luckily, we have a 2 day grace period so... I am going to get to that as soon as I finish this blog. Between my History of World Religions and British Literature courses, I have very little free time. I am not too stressed about my other courses because they don't make my head and eyes hurt as much (in other words, not as much reading). I will be so happy once we're a quarter into the semester because that's when the professor stop loading us with huge amounts of work. I will also need a massage by the end of this coming weekend because I already have knots in my shoulders and back from all the stress. Okay, I will stop my ranting right about... now. lol.

I went Mass today but left about a bit early because I felt like I was going to pass out (I also left my Oceanography course earlier in the day early for the same reason). Since my father and I weren't seated together (long story), he didn't see when I slipped out. I had to wait out by the car until Mass was done... but what I received during that time made up for my missing Mass (well, at least the bummed out feeling of not making it through the Mass) was fantastic. A young girl came up to me (while I was dabbing my forehead with a cold paper towel I got from the bathroom) and asked to borrow my cell phone. She then started up a conversation in which she was very open about her life with me. I've never encountered someone who was that trusting with a stranger. Even though she's a decade younger than I am (wow, that make me feel old, lol), she's lived so much more than I have. She has a child and has gone through heck and back. As she was telling me all these things, I felt very sad for her but personally very blessed at the same time. She asked me questions like whether I had a boyfriend or had kids, whether I was in school, and whether I was saving myself for marriage (though she used more colorful words). I was VERY shocked she would ask me such personal questions but I felt like I had to be very honest with her. I usually just say "I'm sorry but it's none of your business" but I answered all her questions. I think she was very surprised by my answers, especially when I told her I was 23 and not 15 years-old like she thought I was. (Side note: Yes, I'm often mistaken for a teenager. I look anywhere from 15-19 according to people.) I was shocked when she started using the foul language she used. Every other word was the f-bomb. This was on a bench outside of church, too. I kept thinking "How can someone be so disrespectful at church?" Granted, we weren't inside but we were still a couple of feet away. Talking to her and hearing her words, I mean really hearing her, made me very so blessed and thankful for the life I've had.

Even though I've had really sad things happen, I've been able to stay on a pretty good path. Even during my time away from the Church, I didn't go crazy. I never really went through a stage of teenage rebellion. I did sort of have a mini one when I was 18-19 but it was in the form of getting home a few minutes (like 10 minutes) later than I said I would be (coming home from a concert). That's not exactly rebellion, is it? lol. I never did anything anyone else was doing in my circle of "friends". That was my rebellion; not doing something because everyone was doing it. Though I did have some slip-ups, like lying and swearing (I call that the "Lost" part of my youth; all around the time I was away from the Church), I never got to the point of doing huge self-destructive things. I think God blessed me with enough common sense to not do those things. There have been a number of times where I could have easily strayed and done things I would've greatly regretted. Thankfully, I've always known how or when to get myself out of those situations. Once, I sent my friend an S.O.S. text, he called me and got me out of the situation and I'm forever grateful for it.

So, during my chat with the young woman, I thought about all I've gone through and I was so thankful to God for everything. I honestly feel so blessed to have had the experiences I've had (both good and bad) because they've gotten me to where I am in life. Though I have sinned (but, really, who hasn't?), I've confessed those sins and I've made a great effort to stay on the right path. And I owe it all to my faith and to God. Without my faith, prayer, and everything else I would be completely depressed and probably still sick from all the negative thoughts and feelings. If I didn't have the Rosary or my own little journal thing I keep to Our Lady (Blessed Mother), I would've been nutty (well, nuttier, lol).

Isn't it amazing how I got all of this from church though not through Mass? Of course, I would've stayed for the entire Mass if I hadn't felt lightheaded and faint like I did. And, of course, I would've learned a lot for today's readings. I think that this whole thing happened for a reason -- me leaving a few minutes early and chatting to the girl. It certainly made me appreciate everything, especially my parents. :D

Alright, well I think I've taken enough of your time for today. :D I have got to get back to cramming more Hinduism facts into my brain (so many deities in that religion...) so I can finish that paper.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Roadtrips, Relationships, Tests, and Prayers Everywhere.

I FINALLY have a bit of time to write a blog. I told y'all I would be super busy the entire week. Where to start?

Well, I was able to make it through my latest road trip, in 90+ degree weather, in a car with NO AIR CONDITIONING *whimpers* without a single panic attack. OH YEAH! *dances around* It was amazing. The freeways were ridiculously crowded in Orange County (moreso than in Los Angeles, if that's possible) and we were bumper and bumper pretty much all the way back home. Not only that, we got lost a minimum of 6 - 7 times because we were given crummy directions and got lost for a great while. 14 hours, countless road turns, one big accident that forced all the cars to get off the freeway, several hours outside in the heat, and a total of 5 hours of sleep... until I was able to get home and jump on my bed. lol. I literally ran to my bed, jumped on it and yelled "I love you"... I was SO tired but incredibly happy that I'd survived in one piece. It totally helped that my sis called and entertained me during the last miles between the OC and and first couple of L.A. county lines. I hope that the next road trip is as successful (in the panic attack area) but with less traffic and less getting lost. lol.

So, a few days ago I started writing this blog about relationship and all these things because of the purity ring (it's NOT an engagement ring) that my sis gave me for my birthday. (It made me get all philosophical). Well, I decided not to post it because I remembered that I do have reader under about 16 and I didn't want to be as blunt as I would've with the older readers. So, to put all that I wanted to say in a rated G nutshell... I don't understand why we women are expected to act and dress provocatively nor why, once we reach a certain age, romantic relationships and marriage are pressured onto us. It's just dumb. I really hope that less and less girls listen to what society expects from us because society is one messed up deal. Priorities are not where they should be. I read a list on the Roman Catholic (Global) group and I wanted to share this with any young girls and women reading my blog (and I know a few that do). I truly hope women listen to those words that were written by Kristen Wellman. She's a smart woman and I completely agree with everything that was written. Please go click on this link to read it for yourselves. :D Moving away from this topic (which I hope to someday write in detail about)...

I am going to spend the next 2 weeks really studying and brushing up on some things I will need to refresh my brain on for upcoming exams. Since I didn't decide until last week (really... I'm the most indecisive person you'll ever meet) what school I was going to be attending, I didn't know whether or not I would be tested on certain subjects. Well, I am. I know I won't be tested in English since I've already passed the English 101s and have taken English Lit but I will be tested on Math as well as a Foreign Language of my choice. I could easily go down the "I'll test for Spanish" since I speak, read and write it fluently. That's the easy path to take. I could brush up on the very little French I know and take a French test. I could also pick a completely different language I don't know and try my best to learn at least the simplest things I can and hope it'll help me not be put into the lowest remedial class possible. lol. I was thinking about taking Danish at a nearby language institute in honor of my awesome boyfriend who's from Denmark (Hey Sabrina... she shoots, she scores! HAHAHA!) but I'm told it's a really hard language to learn so maybe I'll just stick to French. Either way, I will be a mean, lean, studying machine for the rest of this month and early into next month. I will be taking two off days before and after my birthday because, who wants to study on their birthday? Not me! lol. Fingers crossed that I do well.

Another thing I have my fingers crossed on... that my missing Mass today isn't a mortal sin, and that it's (at most) venial. See, I woke up on time to go to the early English Mass but I'd been sick (stomach problems) all night and morning long and I honestly wouldn't have made it through the entire thing. That with the added sleepiness I had (haven't slept enough hours for about 2 weeks now)... I didn't even make it through the Pope Benedict XVI's live Mass in Genoa (Italy) that I was watching on EWTN! (quick note: I will hopefully write about all the Pope dreams I've had in the next blog). I ended up falling asleep for another hour or two. I did, however, do the sign of the cross when I woke up and heard the Pope had finished Mass, and then heard another priest bless the viewers. lol. I only seem to wake up when that happens and I do it without thinking. I LOVE doing that. It's such an awesome habit I've gotten. By that time, it was really hot (it was probably over 100 degrees Fahrenheit today) and I knew dad would've have taken me to Mass anymore. Also, I was still very nauseous so I probably wouldn't have made it through the next English Mass. :( See, normally I would tell my dad to at least drop me off at Mass but I know the hot weather really wreaks havoc on him, physically, and since he doesn't go inside the Church (no matter what I say), I know he wouldn't have made it through the entire hour of Mass in the heat. He's been pretty sick because of the heat and I didn't want to add to it. I really hope my missing Mass isn't a mortal sin. Either way, I'll no doubt try to go to my parish as soon as I can to talk to a priest about that. Have a mini confession. I tell ya, I won't make it through next Saturday with a potential mortal sin hanging over my head. Oh, and I stupidly said the Lord's name in vain (again, unintentionally) when Beckham was tackled really nasty during the L.A. Galaxy v Dallas game today. I honestly thought Becks was going to be injured. Thank goodness he wasn't.

OH! Something that I'm VERY happy about... well, two things... I was able to pray the Rosary in front of many people (I do it in hopes that others will as well) when waiting to see the doctor on Friday AND I gave a prayer card to someone who really needed on a different day. See, I said the Rosary because I wasn't feeling too well, and was feeling kind of antsy. It's something I do. After I was done, I walked around with the rosary still in my hand... and I LOVED it. I love holding it. :D

About a week or two ago, I heard from my mom that a coworker of hers was having problems with her husband who tried to commit suicide for the second time. He suffers from depression among other things. I immediately said I wanted to give my mom the extra St. Dymphna so that she could pass it to her coworker's husband. I kept forgetting until one day, last week, when I knew I'd be able to give it to my mom so she could pass it along. Well, I ended up giving the prayer card to the man himself! I went to the hospital and personally gave it to him. I was overjoyed that as soon as I gave it to him, he prayed it and thanked me for it. I heard he hadn't been up to talking to anyone for days so I felt blessed being able to not only give him the prayer card, but be well received by him. Mom and I told him to pray to St. Dymphna, for her intercession, and that she'd help him. She (St. Dymphna) has helped me through some doozies when my anxiety's been amped up, and since she covers all mental and nervous illnesses, I know she'll help him! I haven't seen him since but my mom's seen him and she says he keeps it by his bedside and that he reads it every day, twice a day. It makes me VERY happy to hear that. In fact, I almost cried when I heard that he'd been grateful that I'd personally gone to give him the prayer card. He's actually touched that I would do that... especially since I'm a stranger to him. What he doesn't know is that it's by absolute pleasure to do it! I feel obligated to do it, but obligated in a good way. I would honestly do it for anyone who I heard was in a similar situation, stranger or friend. I don't say this to brag, like "Ooh, look at me... I'm SUCH a good person." Not at all. I write it because I want people to know that it is possible to do something for someone you don't know and have it mean something to them. I think people underestimate that the "littlest" things they do, including praying for a person, is amazing. And I don't even think about how it makes ME feel... the fact that it's given him hope is all that matters. I honestly don't care about personal profit (even if it's just emotional satisfaction) as long as it makes a difference in someone else's life. And isn't that basically what we should be doing? I don't know... maybe it's because I've always been this way (friends say I'm very motherly) but I feel like we all have to help those who aren't as well off as we are. Oh boy, that sounded very preachy and kind of conceited. lol. That was honestly not my intention. I'll shut up on the topic now!

Alright, well, I have a LONG day ahead of me again tomorrow *groan* and a ton of lost sleep to catch up on so I should end this blog. Oh... but before I do, can we give the Galaxy a round of applause for beating Dallas at their (Dallas') home stadium for the first time in 4 years?! *claps* 5-1, baby! I'm so proud of my Galaxy men! Okay, well, now... as always, thanks for reading and God Bless. ;D
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Go Galaxy!, Hot Weather, and Mortal Sin?!

I just watched one of the best L.A. Galaxy games I've seen. It was SO thrilling up until the last second. Thank goodness Galaxy won! They beat Chivas USA 5-2 after being neck-in-neck for about 3/4 of the game. Landon Donovan scores a hat trick and my man Alan Gordon (LOVE him) scored two when he came on as a sub... and almost scored a third. GREAT game! Since both teams are from L.A. they rivalry was intense but in a good way. I'm a Galaxy girl and was before Becks was signed so I didn't jump on the bandwagon. I've been rooting for them since they began, mainly because it's the home team but later on because I became a fan of the players. Needless to say, dad and I (who are fans of Becks and Donovan) are happy campers. AND since Gordon scored two goals, I'm even happier! :D

One thing that didn't make me happy today... the weather. My goodness! It was 94 degrees at around 3 p.m. I was glad that by the time confessions rolled around, it was cooling down. Granted, I live about 2-3 minutes (by car) from the parish but still the weather is horrid. When we were watching the Galaxy v Chivas USA match, the commentators mentioned that it was still very warm in that part of the city... and you could tell by all the water breaks the players had. Oh, and the game started at 7:30 p.m. so you can just imagine. It's currently 10:25 p.m. and we still have the air conditioning on. Oy! I am definitely going to Mass as early as I can tomorrow because it's supposed to get even hotter tomorrow. It'll be close to 100 degrees. Ugh. I cannot wait 'til future husband and I move away from this hot weather... if I can persuade him. lol.

Okay, so I wrote the title (as I usually do) before I wrote the entry so the last part doesn't quite fit... but I am keeping it for future reference. I was unsure if something I'd done was considered a mortal sin. See, I said something along the lines of "My Holy God... these guys..." (actually I said it in Spanish, "Dios Mio Santo con estos muchachos...") without thinking. It happened during the Galaxy game. I got so wrapped up in it that I didn't realize I'd said His name in vain until after I'd said it. I was really good about not saying His name but I just got caught up in the game and it happened. Since I didn't intentionally say it, I was told that it wasn't a mortal sin... especially since I'm sorry I said it. Trust me, I'm ALWAYS sorry when I say His name in vain... and 99.9% of the time I say it without thinking and it takes me a second or two to realize what I'd just said. *palmface* Well, since I was told that it isn't a mortal sin (because I didn't say it intentionally), I guess I can receive communion tomorrow. Thank goodness! If anyone who reads this knows otherwise, please let me know. I don't like committing mortal sins. No, I take that back. I don't like committing sins, period! Not even venial ones!

Alright, well, super early day tomorrow so I should get to bed like now. lol. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Dizziness, Sin or No Sin?, Britt Nicole; Let the Writing Begin!

For anyone who's ever gotten new glasses, you know how terrible the first couple of days are. I've worn glasses for a few years now but every time I get a new prescription, I always feel drunk for about 3 days. Oh, and I'm assuming this is how you'd feel if you were drunk. I've technically only had a sip of wine twice at Mass (you know, the blood of Christ) but that's as far as my experience with alcohol goes. lol. Anyway, oy... it stinks. Hopefully I won't be too dizzy tomorrow for Mass.

No, I would still go if I were dizzy. Hopefully I make it through the entire hour without getting sick. *crosses fingers* I believe a prayer to St. Jude will be said tonight in hopes that tomorrow morning I will be good for Mass. :D I was going to go to confessions today but then I thought about whether or not last Sunday is still considered a sin. I mean, I had every intention of attending mass and I did make it for about 2 minutes before I got sick. Is it still a sin that I didn't get to attend the entire thing? Hmm... that is something to ask one of the priests tomorrow. Another reason why no confessions today... the car is being repaired as I type this out (I would normally be at church at this time). Oh well, in the meantime, I will be listening to Britt Nicole's debut album.

Last summer, while browsing iTunes, I discovered this young lady's album which is awesome! It's not really the type of music I'd normally listen to (I'm a jazz/classical girl) but I can't help but love her album. She's a Christian artist so you can hear her talking about God in the lyrics but it's not overwhelming. That's the thing about Christian music. First off, I am not going to knock it. I do like some Christian artists but I tend to stay away from the genre in general because sometimes I'm a little overwhelmed with the music. If I listen to religious music, I stick to things like Andrea Bocelli's "Ave Maria" or Gregorian Chants. That's my thing. Anyway, back to Britt Nicole... I think her demographic might be a bit younger than I am (oh man, I just made myself feel old; I'm 22 for Pete's sake! lol) but I still connect with the lyrics. There is one particular song, "Ready", that I listened to for the first time in a couple of weeks and it really hit home. I've been in the process of letting go of all the negative experiences I had with former friends -- a lot of them extremely painful. This song is pretty much my anthem is at the moment because it describes how I feel. I'm going to put a youtube video a fan made with the lyrics to her song:



See? not my type of music but still awesome nonetheless. I just got the urge to yell "Girl Power!"... which I haven't done since I was about 11 years old and was on a Spice Girls kick. lol. Seriously, though, if you're into this kind of music, definitely check out her album. She has a great voice, sings songs that actually mean something (and aren't some bubblegum pop manufactured stinkers) and she seems like a down-to-earth person. :)

Alright, well Britt's album (along with Becoming Jane, which put my gears in motion) have been inspiring me to get to work on my novel so that is precisely what I will do until I have to eat dinner. Until next time, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D