Come at Me, (Negativity) Bro: Anger, Forgiveness, and Silver Linings

As you might've noticed, I did not post every single day last week as planned. Guest posts fell through and I found myself having a horrible weekend (Friday through yesterday) so I didn't have anything good to post. However, I do feel like sharing what happened because it's a part of who I am and has contributed to my own growth as both a person and a Catholic.

I won't go into detail about what happened on Friday through Saturday. Let's just say that my faith and my beliefs were seriously challenged in a way that I never thought. I was placed in a situation in which I had to ask St. Benedict's intercession (as well as St. Michael Archangel's over the weekend) and only fueled the fire to get officially enrolled in the brown scapular (more on this in a bit.) It wasn't until I talked to my confessor that I felt better. I hope and pray that I am never put into that situation again (and, for the record, I did not seek it). The good thing that I got out of it is another reaffirmation that I love God above everything and that I would never do anything intentional to hurt Him. This brings me to what happened yesterday in which I had another one of these affirmations.

I will start off by saying that I've been using my iPod touch for confessions (I have the iConfess app) as well as for Mass (I have the iMissal as the first app on the screen). I've been using both for years now. Only once had I had an usher tell me to put it away only to let me keep using it after he saw that I had the iMissal app open and that I was using it to follow along during Mass. After that one time, he would even tell others about how I used the app, impressed that I would have it. Yesterday was a whole different story.

Like I said, I've been using these apps for years. I don't have it on the entire Mass; mostly just for readings (for better concentration) and for the Nicene Creed so that I don't mess it up. As soon as the Creed is recited, it goes back in my bag. It doesn't disturb anyone. I don't make noise. It stays as low as I can have it to make sure it doesn't distract anyone. The usher yesterday, who I've seen in Mass more than once, decided that yesterday it was going to be good to publicly tell me to put it away (as I was putting away)... right as soon as the Creed was recited... in front of everyone... and everyone in the general area heard it quite well. I tried to explain, and show him, that I was using it for the Nicene Creed but he kept being super rude about it and, well, to not slip and badmouth him let's just say that my response was to cry at the end of the exchange. So I cried for the next 20 minutes of the Mass... and the next half an hour after that. I have never felt so insulted and humiliated in church before.

My initial response was to leave because I was so angry that he would do that in front of everyone. My response when angry is usually silence and/or tears... and removing myself from the place or person who caused the response. I was angry at the usher for how he handled the situation and angry that I was angry at him right before communion. Since I knew that I did not want to receive Christ while angry, I did my best to talk myself out of the negative feelings. I am sure the Holy Spirit helped me in this situation because, even though I was still crying when I received communion, I was not angry doing it. What I did instead was not think about it and have an inner dialogue with God. I thought (since I know He knows my heart and mind) "I'm here for you, God. Nothing anyone will do or say will keep me away from You. I did not come to please others but you. If this is just another stumbling block the Evil one has for keeping me away, it's not going to work. I'm here for YOU because I love YOU." In that instant, I got the sudden inspiration to go up to the usher after Mass to tell him that I forgave him... and I did.

After Mass (and after the priest nearly denied me communion -- I'll get to this in a second), I walked up to the usher and said "I forgive you." He walked to the side and we talked. The anger and bad look he had given me seemed to have melted from his face. He explained that he couldn't let me use the app, even though he figured out (after I tried explaining what I was doing), because then he would have to let others do it too. I couldn't understand (and still don't) the logic behind that but I saw where he was coming from. I told him that I felt like he humiliated me when all I was doing was trying to stay focused and concentrated during Mass. I didn't mention that I also do it when I am terribly anxious to stay focused because I don't want to use anxiety as a crutch or an excuse. Either way, I once again reiterated that I forgave him and he apologized for his actions. That was the end of that.

And, now, you're probably asking: "so why did the priest nearly deny you communion?" Well, I think it was because I didn't stick my tongue out enough. Like I said, I was still crying at that point but I still tried to make myself strong and receive communion. The priest was going to place the host on my tongue but took one look at me, pulled it back, and said "stick out your tongue" in a manner that hurt. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong even though I've received the Eucharist in that way before. Tongue was out but apparently not good enough for him. I was already hurt and then having the priest give me that look and say "stick out your tongue" in a tone that was, well, hurtful to me (I don't know how else to describe it).

So, to sum up my day: 1) the alarm didn't go off (which was weird in itself) and we rushed to Mass, 2) the usher did what he did, and 3) then I felt like a priest nearly denied me communion. All in the span of 2 hours. That, after the Friday and Saturday I had, made me feel like they were huge stumbling blocks placed before me to make me lose it, to make it seem like God did not want to close to me (and I did have a split second thought that maybe I had done something wrong and that I did not deserve to be close to Him), and basically keep me away from Him. But, like I said in my inner dialogue to God, nothing will keep me away from Him. I won't give up attending Mass or going to church. I would ten thousand times get my feelings hurt by others during Mass as long as I know that God loves me and that I'm doing things right. That is the silver lining I found in all of these situations. My faith is stronger, my love for Him has grown exponentially (I never thought it was possible to have my heart grow that much and filled with more love than I thought I was capable of).

Of course, I will try to buy a missalette to use to avoid the usher situation again (I can see how it could be distracting to others though I was doing nothing wrong). I will keep attending Mass. So, negativity... you can come at me (bro) but I won't give up on my faith or God for anything or anyone. I know I already said it but I also wanted to repeat it. :D

So, that's it. That was my interesting (and horrible) weekend. It stunk but, in the crud I dealt with, I still found some beauty which is all I could ask for. :D

I may continue the positivity posts for at least this next week since I didn't get to finish it last week. We shall see. :D

Anyway, I am going to go figure out what to do with my Thesis (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that, as of today, it is officially released and I can share it.) :D

I hope you all had a better weekend than I did and that you have a great week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Let's Hear it for Daily Mass, Ladies and Gentlemen!

I love LOL Saints pictures. :)

Seriously though, let's have a round of applause for having the option to attend daily Mass. *claps* I cannot begin to describe how happy I am to go on an (almost) daily basis. I don't take it for granted because I know that some people live in rural areas where Mass isn't celebrated often. Also, I know most of us have crazy hectic lives and we can't always attend daily Mass. I myself can't go on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I have classes but I try to go on all other days. Even if, for some reason, I can't receive communion, I don't feel right if I don't go.

I was reflecting on this prior to Mass yesterday. I feel almost empty and incomplete when I don't attend Mass. It's like I miss out on something amazing (which I think I do). I didn't go today because I was so physically exhausted that I simply couldn't get out of bed because I felt a bit shaky. I do vaguely remember saying (out loud) "I do love you, God, but I am not feeling that great right now" before falling back asleep this morning. And now my day feels a bit off. (side note: I also didn't go to confession today but I wasn't in need of it (thank God) so I'm okay there.) I don't know why but this desire to attend daily Mass only increases as the weeks pass. I'm very grateful for the feeling though. It's already helped me out a lot.

As I said in a previous blog post, one of the things that I've noticed about attending daily Mass is that I am more conscience of my actions. I am able to be more charitable towards people who treat me poorly for whatever reason. I am more aware of when I could potentially do something wrong and/or sinful and I realize things early enough to be able to correct my actions. After receiving the Eucharist each morning, I feel complete. I feel so much more relaxed and calm throughout the day. My anxiety and stress levels due to school related things may be up but I still somehow feel better in general.

I know my vocation is sadly not a religious one (as much as I would've loved it to be; I grew up wanting to be a Carmelite nun) so I've been contemplating potentially becoming a Tertiary (Third Order) Carmelite or Dominican. I have such an intense desire to be a part of the Church and since I am not called to be a nun then I feel like maybe this is the right step for me. Both Orders really appeal to me so I will have to pray about this and see which one I would most benefit from as well as be able to contribute to. I've considered this step for a long time but it's only intensified with my daily trips to the nearby parish. :)

Another thing that has come up with my trips to daily Mass: I am not entirely sure I want to teach after I graduate. I mean, I do want to spread the Word and teach younger generations the Truth but I am not sure I would last very long in a classroom. My heart and head are both telling me that I would be happy working with children as well as with older adults so I don't know. I know in my heart that I really want to help others and that I want to share the love I have for God with as many people as I possibly can but I'm very confused as to where I will go after graduation. I am taking a year off to work before I pursue my Master's degree but I think it would be a little less stressful if I had a game plan for the Fall. If y'all can please pray for this, I would greatly appreciate it. Right now all I can do is pray and keep myself open to whatever God has in store for me.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing these random thoughts. I have noticed that my readership in both this blog and my tweets has gone down considerably (and I am not complaining at all!) so I feel less pressured to write something amazing. Back to the "writing how I feel... even if it's incredibly sappy and emotional" plan. ;)

I have the rest of the evening and tomorrow off (I am mentally drained after reading close to 400 pages for classes this week) so I am going to enjoy it with a little movie marathon.

I hope y'all had a great week and will have a great weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Daily Mass Addictions and School Afflictions

Hello. My name is Emmy and I am a Daily Mass addict. No, seriously. Just ask Joe who made me realize it yesterday. One day, last week, I woke up with an overwhelming urge to attend daily Mass and I've gone every day since. The only days I've missed have been days which I attend classes and am thus unable to attend Mass. (side note: my school is roughly 15 miles from where I live but we have notoriously horrible traffic -- 45 mins to 3 HOURS one way, depending on how bad it is -- so I can't get to/from Mass on time.) I don't know how/why it started but I am not complaining. It all started with a spontaneous idea to go into the chapel on campus to pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy before class and it's now Daily Mass followed by the Chaplet. I don't feel right not going to Mass. I've never adapted to a change in my schedule/daily routine to quickly before. Is it weird to say that I feel empty not attending Mass and receiving the Eucharist every day? I honestly can't imagine myself not attending Mass on a daily basis anymore. Everything's changed... and I love this change.

Instead of sleeping until 9-10 a.m. like I would on days I didn't have to go to campus, I get up at 7:30 (or as close to it as I can) in order to eat something light, an hour before communion, since I know I can't fast without feeling faint. I tried that (fasting) last week and I nearly fainted while praying the Rosary. (second side note: Oh yes, I have also joined a group of parishioners that pray the Rosary, novenas, and chaplets after morning Mass. :D) I don't get enough sleep anymore but I am not as tired as I thought I would be. The insomnia I experienced the last couple of week has gotten better, I'm a lot more calm (though anxiety's been worse... more on that later), the sun is brighter, etc. I'm also more aware of my actions and of thinking before speaking which helps me not be in need of confession as frequently. That is terribly important to me. Whenever I go to Mass in the morning I am reminded of two Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati quotes:

"I urge you with all the strength of my soul to approach the Eucharist Table as often as possible. Feed on this Bread of the Angels from which you will draw the strength to fight inner struggles."

AND

(in a letter to his friend, "Tonino", dated 8/13/1923): "... when one goes into the mountains one should sort out one's conscience first, because one never knows if one will return."

That last quote is on page 134 of the book Pier Giorgio Frassati: Letters to His Friends and Family. In that letter to his friend, Bl. Pier Giorgio, an avid mountain climber and sportsman, talks about the importance of going to confession after the death of a fellow mountain climber. In previous letters he also wrote about how important it was for him to receive the Eucharist before he climbed mountains. Of course, I'm not a mountain climber (I'm, at best, a lover of hikes) but I can relate to it in more ways than one. I'm always either driving or being driven. A day on which I don't drive is rare. Not only that, I attend a school which has a campus up on a mountain. The view is spectacular when you're outside but as soon as I go inside, it's a fight against the liberal, dare I say heretical, teachings I encounter inside. Just like Bl. Pier Giorgio, I think I need to receive the Eucharist daily to remind me of who I am, who am I not nor will I be in order to fit in, and that I have my Heavenly Father looking out for me. I am not in physical danger (at least not like Bl. Pier Giorgio was when he climbed) but I do feel my soul is in danger (though one I am aware of as to not fall) each time I step foot on that campus.

And that leads me to the reason why I think my anxiety's been worse lately. Well, partly. I've noticed that my anxiety gets worse on the days before I have to go class as well as the first part of the day. And it goes back to one thing... or, I should say, one person: my music professor. As I've mentioned before, she does not like me... or so it seems. I thought we'd had a breakthrough last week when she tried to understand what it's like to be a student with anxiety but this week it's gone sour again. I haven't felt so personally attacked by a professor in quite a while. She skips over me when my hand is raised for a question, she tells me to be quiet when I volunteer to answer (when no one else wants to), she finds the littlest things to reprimand me on even though I am not doing anything bad, and I am never write. Saint and religion question: I am NEVER right. Of course, I get online after class (I don't do it during out of respect for my professors) and I check to see if I was right... and I am. Yesterday I had my hand raised for the longest time and a classmate even motioned to her that I had the answer but she skipped me. She didn't come back to me until several minutes after I put down my hand and then my answer was "wrong." I don't talk back to her or anything, mostly because my parents taught me to respect my elders and partly because I'm too busy trying to catch my breathing in her class (trying not to hyperventilate due to anxiety).

I will also admit that all of this has gotten me down the past couple of weeks... but it's been most obvious the last week. Yesterday I was one big weepy/mopey mess. She really made me feel like I was a speck of dirt that was bothering her and it really messed up my day. Though I can normally just forget about people not liking me, the fact that she's been this way since day one (yes, since the first day of classes) and that she finds new ways of making me feel like crumbs has gotten to me. She's going to cancel classes a couple of times next month and in April and I am sorry to say that I very much look forward to those days. I offer up every little thing she says to make me feel horrible and keep track of it on my St. Therese Sacrifice Beads. If you guys can please say a pray that I can make it through the next 2 months and 4 weeks (the countdown is on your left hand side) and that I actually pass my classes so that I can graduate, I would be so grateful.

Okay, I think I've unintentionally procrastinated longer than I anticipated. lol. I have to do coursework for a presentation tomorrow as well as a fellow up meeting with my Thesis adviser so I really need to get to work.

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far and if any of you need me to offer up one of my bad days for a special intention you may have, let me know. I'd gladly do it. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Saint Dreams, Part... I Seriously Lost Count.

*originally started August 4th but posted the 7th*

During the earlier days of this blog, I used to write about saint dreams I had. I used to have them more often in those days and then stopped for a while. They've been become frequent again and two have had the same message so I thought I'd share.

Those with whom I communicate on a fairly regular basis know that I haven't been feeling very close to God lately. I don't know why but I just can't concentrate as well as I have before while praying or making an earnest attempt to meditate. The more I try to get back on the track I was, the harder it is. When I make an effort to pray at a certain time, especially when it comes to the 54 day Rosary novena I am currently doing with Angelica, something gets in the way and it's delayed until it's almost too late (nearing midnight). I just feel like there's something blocking and I don't know how to get around it. I talked to my regular confessor about it but even with his advice I feel stuck. Maybe that's why I had the following dreams I am about to share. I won't go into great detail but just the gist so y'all will understand.

Last week I had a dream that involved me being inside a parish and seeing Bl. Pope John Paul II consecrating the Eucharist. I was there with two newlywed friends of mine (who were in their wedding attire) who could not see what I saw. Anyway, I was told that I needed to receiving the Eucharist every day. Last night I had another interesting dream in which both my vocation and the Eucharist was brought up. I've been having doubts about whether I had discern my vocation properly so it was interesting that it was brought up in my dream. Anyway, last night's dream involved St. John Vianney, whose feast day we are celebrating today. I was, once again, told that I needed to receive the Eucharist on a daily basis. There were mentions of spiritual attacks coming to me in the next couple of days but the main thing was that I needed to go to Mass daily. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. Considering how I've been feeling, I wouldn't be surprised if this is what I need in my daily routine.

I normally don't put a lot of importance on my dreams because it's dangerous to think that you can predict things or are getting straight messages through your dreams. I've had quite a number of interesting dreams that I occasionally share with whomever else was in the dream with me but that's about it. These dreams, though, I cannot help but really think about. Whether they come from God or from my subconscious, I really feel a strong urge to go to Mass and receive the Eucharist daily. Like I said, maybe it's what I need to feel closer to God once again. Maybe it's something that will make me feel more complete. It'll be a challenge as my sleeping schedule is so out of whack most days and I return to school in a couple of weeks but I think I'm going to earnestly try to attend Mass daily -- especially in the morning as my evenings are usually crazier.

Anyway, I just wanted to share because I thought the dreams were awesome. I am happy that the saint dreams are returning after a short break from them (a break I didn't want).

I hope y'all have a great rest of week and enjoy this feast day. Say a pray for your parish priests. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

When Life Hands You Lemons... (Sour Sunday).

The St. Cecilia statue mom bought for me after "Sour Sunday." More on the reason behind the gift coming up...

Sorry about the extended break again. I did not anticipate the amount of work and things that bombarded me over the weekend. As I said in the last post, I was (correction: still am!) struggling with math. I bombed the math test... again... on Sunday. I studied for hours just to bomb it? Oh goodness no. Joe can verify that I do know my stuff (he tutored me for 3 hours on Friday... and he heard "Please shoot me now" at least half a dozen times, lol) I just completely blank out when I take the test... and that is BAD news because, it being an accelerated math course, I cannot afford to "screw up" as one of my classmates so eloquently put it. Here's the kicker to this whole "not passing" issue: NO ONE in the class is getting over a 50/100 on the exams. I'm serious. Everyone I spoke to said they received a 50 or lower. Personally, I received a 40/100 (yes, I'm putting it out there for all to know. I'm not ashamed to admit I fail at something). The problem with this class is the professor. I hate to point fingers but we've all agreed that it's not really our fault because we try the best we can with what we're given. The math problems presented to us are not clear (both Joe and my friend Dave, who has attempted to help me with math, both agreed on that) and the prof. spends 5 minutes on a single problem (per chapter) and then moves onto the next chapter. I had someone, who wasn't in the class, attend the class with me on Sunday and, surprise surprise, she didn't understand it either because nothing is properly explained to us. So what am I going to do? I have devised a plan that will take into effect tonight (after I do all those 101 errands)... I will use music to help me study. Music is ever present in my life. Even when I'm not actively listening to it, I have at least something "playing" in my head. This is why I often say that St. Cecilia (patron saint of music, musicians) chose me as my confirmation saint, I didn't choose her. I'm glad too. :) The inspiration to use music came at the end of what is now known as "Sour Sunday."

After I fantastically bombed my second math exam in a row, I came out feeling horrible... but I wanted to put it aside and focus on the fact that I would be able to finally attend Mass on a Sunday. I would be cutting it close but I was going to go, and that's all I wanted. We got there 10 minutes late (because my transportation situation isn't always the best when it comes to time management). "Fine, no big deal... at least I'm here." I had to stand in the back since we got there late. I said "Okay. I don't mind. I'll offer up the fatigue (since I was carrying a backpack that weighed at least 15 pounds) and whatever I feel." The Mass went by quickly. I enjoyed the homily Fr. Leo gave about how we should not be afraid of death and how we should try to live our lives as best as we could so we could be reunited with the Lord in Heaven. Then came time to receive the Eucharist. Someone announced that they were advising everyone to receive the Eucharist by hand so that there would be minimal contact (Swine Flu paranoia strikes away). Of course, no wine was given due to the same fear. From my understanding, receiving communion by hand was optional... and an option I didn't care for. I've NEVER received the Eucharist in my hand and I wasn't about to start... or so I thought. When it came time for me to receive the Eucharist, I stood there with my hands together, clearly waiting for the Eucharistic minister to give it to me on the tongue. The guy just stood there and said "We're giving it by hand." I was starting to say how that was optional but he got angry and practically threw it at my hands. I was LUCKY I caught it because it would've fallen on the ground. WHO DOES THAT?!

I was so angry, I took the Eucharist, put it in my mouth, did the sign of the cross and walked to the back of the parish... shaking my head, showing my disgust, with tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn't take it anymore... I walked outside and I openly cried those big crocodile tears I am famous for. I waited for Mass to be over and for my mom to come out. She asked me what was wrong. I told her and she shrugged it off. Then we walked by Fr. Leo and he asked what was wrong. I told him... and I added "It doesn't feel right. It's NOT right." He countered with "Well, Jesus gave his disciples bread that they each broke off with their hands. If Jesus was here, do you think he'd give you the Eucharist by hand? Think about it. He probably would." I was stunned... I couldn't say what I was thinking out of the respect I have for the Church and for those with a religious vocation. Before I left he said "You can't teach this old dog new tricks... but you can teach young dogs (me) new ones." He laughed, told me to get used to receiving the Eucharist by hand, and said he'd pray for me (probably to "get over" what I felt). As we were leaving, I vowed to my mom that I wouldn't set foot in that parish again.

It might be a little dramatic for me to say that I am never going back there again... but I can't, in good conscience, do it. The liturgical abuse is horrid (they practically skip over the Penitential Rites for starters) and I'm so disillusioned with this particular parish. I know I've grown up there, and that thanks to Fr. Leo, we were able to bury my father quickly and a lot cheaper than we were initially told, but I just can't sit there and pretend I'm okay with how things are conducted there. I can't. Mom loves the parish but I just can't make myself overlook how Masses are given there. I will look for another parish elsewhere because it's getting ridiculous.

Before we left, to come home, we stopped by the little shop on the side of the parish. I saw this statue of St. Cecilia and pointed it out to mom. I told her that I thought it was pretty and that she was the reason Cecilia is being (legally) added as my middle name. Mom ended up buying it for me, after seeing the horrible day I was having, so that I would have something that would remind me of her whenever I was having a similar type of day. On our way home, I told my mom St. Cecilia's story and she said "Wow. That's a great story. Very inspiring." When I thought about it, the idea of using music to help me cope with things like my math issues. I have used it (music) when I needed it, i.e. when I've had to control my anxiety or when I am stuck on a particular chapter in the novel I'm writing. I've placed the statue on my desk, right next to me, so I can glance over and remind myself that I've used music to help me overcome things before... and it will, hopefully, help me with my math issues. It will also remind me that, just like I cannot stand liturgical abuses... especially when they badly butcher the music, I must do what I feel is true and not give into pressures of what is expected of me (i.e. going to parishes that don't honor the Mass properly). Life handed me lemons on Sunday, but I refuse to give up without a fight.

Alright, that's all for now. I have to go run a million errands (yes, that is a great exaggeration ;)) before I dedicate the evening to math. Ick. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

All Souls' Day; Dia de los Muertos

That is my father's grave marker after we decorated it for All Souls' Day. We were keeping the Mexican tradition of Dia de Los Muertos (my father was Mexican-American... Mexican born, naturalized American) in which add some of the person's favorite things, when they were living, to the grave. All foods and candles were strictly forbidden by the cemetery so we couldn't decorate it any more. Since we couldn't put a coffee cup, his favorite thing in the world after his cars, we added pinwheels which he thought were fun (he was a kid at heart.) One of them has the Mexican flag on it in honor of our Mexican heritage.

The day itself was a pretty deal for us, especially since this is the first time we really celebrate it. As soon as we found out that all the Catholic cemeteries in the Los Angeles Archdiocese were going to have Mass at 10 a.m., mom and I decided to go in honor of dad's memory. It also helps that dad is buried at the San Fernando Mission Cemetery so we would be able to visit him after the Mass without any problems. Of course, that meant that I'd have to miss my Philosophy course but I didn't care. I was going to go to that Mass and my love of arguing with my professor wasn't going to stop me. I am so happy that I made that decision because it was only one of most beautiful experiences I've ever had.

The Mass was... beautiful, and bilingual. I was able to pray and sing hymns in both English and Spanish. There were many priests, representing the parishes around the San Fernando Valley, including Fr. Stan (who was my spiritual adviser until he was assigned to a different parish) and Fr. James (who is the new Irish-American priest at our parish). The sat in the sun, while the rest of us were in the shade. They said the reason for that was that they were doing penance for us. God bless them; it was over 90 degrees Fahrenheit and the sun burned. The hymns that were sung were lovely and appropriate. "Ave Maria" was sung in Italian and I teared up a bit because the woman put so much emotion into the song. I loved that they really focused on what the feast day was all about. The presiding priest, Fr. Steven Guitron (of Guardian Angel Church in Pacoima), gave a beautiful homily in which he talked about souls, purgatory, and trying to lead saintly lives so that we can, one day, enter Heaven and be with the Lord. He added things in both English and Spanish that I wish everyone there understood because it was a lovely message. Mom and I both received the Eucharist at the Mass and it all just felt... so right. Before the Mass ended, they thanked us for going to Mass and praying for the deceased. They concluded with Psalm 55:6, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest." As soon as that was said, they let about a dozen doves fly, surprising everyone in attendance. Many of us, both men and women, shed tears at how beautiful it was. (btw, I'm well aware that I'm using the word "beautiful" a lot but I honestly can't think of a better word for this experience.)

After Mass was over, we went back to visit dad's grave (where we first stopped before Mass). On our way there, we passed Ritchie Valens' grave. My mom is a big fan of the song "Donna" so it was interesting for her to see where the composer/singer of one of her favorite songs was buried. After passing by his grave, and praying for his soul, we went to daddy's grave to decorate it. As you saw in the picture, we really decorated it and would've probably added more things if we were able to. We didn't add marigolds, which is the tradition in Mexican cemeteries because my mother didn't want to do. I did but I was vetoed for once. lol. As we were decorating it his grave, I thought about how much I was like... what I'd learned from him... how much I missed him... how much he would always be a part of my life even though he's no longer physically here. All in all, it was a great experience and I look forward to doing it every year.

Whatever you did for All Soul's Day, I hope you remembered all the loved ones you've lost and remember that they'll always be with you. As Fr. Steven reminded us at the Mass, we may not see them, but they're looking out for us... helping us (through intercession) as much as they are able to, much like saints and blesseds.

That's all for now. I hope everyone had a great weekend. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

More Traditional Than Expected?

Every time I go to Mass at the parish where I've gone since I was in my mama's womb, I become just a little more disillusioned with them. The fact that they pretty much skip over the Penitential Rites really bugs me. The clapping, and (sometimes) dancing along, I see during the Alleluia/Gospel Acclamation always makes me cringe. I've had priests (one in particular) look at me when they see I'm not partaking in the clapping most of the parishioners are more than happy to do. I refuse to clap along, sorry. I feel like it's disrespectful to the sacredness of the Mass. More things I don't like: not wearing a skirt or dress to Mass... not wearing a mantilla/chapel veil... not receiving communion... not attending Mass, period. I have been known to cry when I am unable to attend Mass. The more I learn and read about the Church pre-Vatican II, the more I feel like the "outdated rituals" would suit me the best. That doesn't mean that I am against the Second Vatican Council... I just prefer the way things used to be way before my time. Am I more traditional than anyone, including myself, expected?

I have never been to a Latin Mass before but, after learning more about it and watching videos on youtube, I feel like it is the perfect Mass for me. Sadly, they're not really offered within the Los Angeles Archdiocese. Not even Pope Benedict XVI's Motu Proprio Summorum Pontificum has helped that issue here. The nearest parish where they offer Latin Masses is almost an hour away from where I live (for those who aren't familiar with L.A., the county is large and sprawled out). They don't even offer it at the San Fernando Mission anymore! I could go into the whole issue many of us have with Cardinal Mahony, but I won't. All I will say is that I think it's sad that the archdiocese seems to have something against the TLM. If you want to hear more about what's wrong with this archdiocese, go to Joe's blog, Verbum Veritatis in Mahonyland. He expresses himself better than I do on this subject. (P.S. He can attest that I actually wear a mantilla to Mass; he's seen it for himself.)

I have embraced the fact that I have become a traditional Catholic (and I fall in the first group of traditional Catholics according to Fish Eaters). When I started this blog, on Christmas night 2007, I had NO CLUE that my journey returning to the Church would lead me here. For those very few that have read this blog since the beginning, I ask you: did y'all see it coming? I am actually very proud that! While I no longer wear the mantilla my father brought me from Mexico earlier this year (I have decided to not use it until my wedding day), I still wear one. I am proud to wear my mantilla to Mass... even if I'm the only woman under 50 that wears one. I REFUSE to receive communion by the hand. I'm usually one of the very few people in my parish who receives the Eucharist directly in the mouth. I wouldn't mind seeing altar rails brought back to the parish, though I won't hold my breath on that one. I'm not even going into the music played during Mass because I will never stop writing (St. Cecilia would be proud. :D)

I've read recent articles (which I cannot find at the moment, I need to organize my bookmarks) that say that statistics and surveys have shown that my generation (those in their late 20s and younger) seem to be more traditional than previous generations. Yes! Most, if not all, my Catholic friends are traditional, so I believe the articles. So will I be one of several that, with the help of Pope Benedict XVI, get their wish fulfilled and see parishes allow more Latin Masses to be said? Will we slowly see beautiful mantillas return? Only time will tell... but I am certainly hoping it happens.

Though I want to write more, I will stop for now and pick it up sometime in the future. Maybe next time I'll have the links ready. lol. ;) I am off to prepare myself for tomorrow's Philosophy course. Another round of "Oh no you di'nt" discussions with my professor? We'll see. :D I hope y'all are having a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Epiphany at Church: Married or Single Vocation?

I love when things "randomly" click together, especially when I'm at Church for Mass. It actually happens more often when I go to Mass by myself than when I go with someone. Since my mom worked today, I had to go by my lonesome. Last Sunday I ended up missing Mass because my ride (actually a transportation service in L.A. which I am qualified for) failed to pick me up and then by the time they were going to send someone, it was too late for Mass. Argh, these people. :( Anyway, I was glad that I was picked up (late, but better than nothing) and that I was able to get there in time to get confessed before Mass.

So, why didn't I go yesterday? I did... and we didn't get a chance to confess. For the first time since about October of last year, the confession line was so long, that people worried about whether or not they would get a chance. Sadly, there was only one priest (which could explain the dozen or so people still waiting to confess 15 minutes before time was up) and we were at the very back of the line. Since there was no way I was going to receive the Eucharist (I MUST every weekend) if I didn't confess, I made it a goal to do so before Mass today. Luckily, Fr. Leo let me confess before the last English Mass of the day (the noon Mass) and I was good.

One thing I also got to (quickly) talk about with Fr. Leo was my vocation. I'm going to talk to him about becoming a Lay Carmelite soon, since I am positive that I am not meant for the religious vocation. I wouldn't be opposed to it if I was. :D After my talk with him, while at Mass I realized something that I'd been neglecting to think about... what if I'm actually called to be single? What if I'm so afraid to be alone, or so selfish to want my own family, that I'm failing to see what my vocation could truly be? I'd never really considered it before. I was internally fighting against the thought as it came into my mind.

I considered what I thought, that maybe I didn't think about it before because I was either afraid to be alone or because I'd been too selfish, wanting a husband and children... but then two more thoughts crossed my mind; maybe I've just thought about this (single vocation) because I've already gotten guilt trips about leaving my mom to fend for herself. As I said in my No Dating; Courtship post, the topic of marriage has come up often recently (if I had a penny for every time it came up...) and every time I've felt bad about even thinking about it because I know I'd have to leave my mom and make my own life with my new husband. The thought of being called to be single had crossed my mind, and I had seriously thought about becoming a religious sister for a long time, but I'd always felt like I was called to being a wife and mother. Up until recently, I really felt that that was it for me. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if my feelings changed because of all the guilt I feel or because it's truly my vocation. As Fr. Leo briefly advised me, I need to really pray hard about this and then get back to him soon. Since he is now my main spiritual adviser (Fr. Stan got transferred to another parish), I'll have to update him with my journey thus far. What I am sure of it that whether I stay single or get married, I will still want to be associated with the Carmelites in one way or another.

I have A LOT to think, and pray, about. Hey, now I have something new to think about when I'm back to school. :D And, speaking of which, I'm off to get my schedule printed and make sure my ride will pick me up on time. I like to over-prepare myself so that I'm not stressing in the morning. First class of the day/school year: Philosophy of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Whoo-hoo! :D

Hope everyone had a great weekend. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Dad's Warning; Mission Complete! New Mission Set?

I'm sorry it's taken so long to update. I had hoped to jump right back into blogging after my last entry but the shock finally began to wear off and I spent a good week away from the computer (both as a promise to St. Timothy as a 'thank you' for his intercession and for my own mental health). I am still trying to figure out how to do this... live without dad in my life. I had already begun developing a pattern while he was in the hospital (the last month of his life) but it didn't really hit me, until last week, that it's now just mom and I. I did spend a couple of days just completely bummed out and crying over the smallest things, but I'm happy that I got it out of my system. Of course, I will always have dad in my heart and mind but the grieving process is moving along well... and I know that dad's in heaven, or the very least purgatory, and looking after us now, especially after the dreams I've been having of him. One particular one ended up coming true, too.

If you've read my blog long enough, you know that I usually have saint dreams. Don't know why or how but it's what I usually dream about. Last week my dreams were a little different. For a couple of days I dream that there was a massive earthquake and that dad hurried us out of the way, and took care of us so that we were safe. That lasted for about 4 days; same plot - earthquake, dad rescuing us, different setting. Then I had a dream in which dad answered a question I had in real life. I won't go too into the specifics of it because it's of a personal nature (as in, regarding my love life) but I will say that I had NO CLUE that the advice and warning I had would come true later that day. In the dream, dad warned me that while the guy wasn't exactly a bad person, he wasn't the best choice for me and I wouldn't be happy. I clearly remember dad shrugging and said "It's not my choice, it's up to you if you want him like that, but..." with a look that made me understand that I would not be happy with what I was about to find out about the guy. I told my mom the dream and a few hours ago, I found out exactly what dad was hinting at in my dream. Again, I told my mom and she said she thought it was a direct warning from dad through my dreams. One of the last conversations I had with my dad was about just that, my future relationships, and he said that he trusted my judgement so he wouldn't interfere. If the dream was an actual warning, I'm glad he DID interfere because it saved me from a broken heart. I came out relatively unscathed... though, later on, I did get my heart nearly broken but this time by someone I considered a best friend; the heart break was not of a romantic nature, either. I'm sure this will be a surprise to most of my friends because, just as I've said on this blog, I very rarely discuss this part of my life with anyone who isn't my mother. Anyway, thank you daddy for the warning!

And while I'm still talking about my parents... I DID IT! My mission is now complete!!! "What mission?" You may ask? As I've mentioned many times before, like in this entry, my life's mission became to get my parents back to the Church. For the past 3 years, that had been my ultimate goal. I got into many arguments with my father over it but eventually broke him down first. Thank God in Heaven that I was able to get him to come back just a little over a month before he passed away! Dad was the most stubborn person, but I did it. Of course I'm not taking all the credit here; I know God used me to get him (and eventually mom) back to Him. He passed away closed to God and having received the Eucharist, for the last day, only a few days before his death. While dad was in the hospital, mom and I never missed Mass. It became a routine for us to go to the first English Mass our parish offers and then go visit dad at the hospital before we came home. We still haven't missed more than one Mass (the weekend we both had fevers and horribly ill) in a long while. In fact, we went to Mass the day after dad passed away (he died on a Saturday, we went to Mass that Sunday). It seemed that all my bugging, coupled with my father's death, finally broke mom down. She was actually considering going to confessions the week before my father passed away but dad's death really made it click for her. This past Saturday, she finally went to confessions... after many prayers (btw, a massive THANK YOU to my twitter friends who helped me pray for courage for my mom) and a lot of "coaching" on my side. I had to remind her what kinds of things she had to confess and the Act of Contrition, which she'd forgotten. I had to do it in Spanish, too, 'cause she feels more at ease with the language. She kept saying she was too nervous but I told her what I think about confession and why I think it's important that we do it, so she finally got the courage to do it. I was SO happy when I came out of my confession and saw that she was inside with the Hispanic priest. YES! The next day, she received the body and blood of Christ. I will admit that I teared up a bit when I saw that happen. My heart was overjoyed. I could feel the presence of the Lord with us in that moment when we both received the Eucharist. :D Mom's also been praying a whole lot more lately. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to do this (again, with His help) and achieving my ultimate goal! That has ever made me happier and prouder than seeing both of my parents back at the Church. :D

One little thing about that, though... I need a new ultimate goal in life. I honestly didn't think God would grant me my biggest wish so soon. I thought it was going to take me a number of years to get them back; especially dad. I had years of fights with him, every weekend, because he didn't want to go to church. I was thinking that maybe I should continue this path -- getting more people back to the Church; or at the very least to confess. One small step. My parents weren't the first. A few months ago, I helped convince another older woman to go back to confessions for the first time in decades. She was a stranger but she was drawn to talk to me while I waited an hour to confess. I don't know how I convinced her but I did it and it made me happy. I won't forget the gratitude I felt, thanking God for allowing me to do it. I've also started getting a few others on the road to returning, all without trying. Maybe this is what God wants me to do for Him. I'd be more than happy to do it! We'll see what happens...

Alright, well, that's going to be it for now. I have a lot to write, but will do it little by little so I can have a few more posts this month before I head back to school. *groan* Why does my summer have to end so quickly? On the upside, my Philosophy of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam (my Religious Studies lower division course for the semester) is looking promising. :D I'm procrastinating, aren't I? Okay, I'll stop writing soon. lol.

Thank you for all for your continued prayers and support. It's meant a lot to our family that so many people would take time out of their lives to pray for us in our time of need. Thank you for reading and God Bless you all! :D

P.S. For those of you who have asked, my cousin's grandson is no longer in the ICU for his pneumonia. He is doing much better, though is still in the hospital. Thank you for your prayers!

So Happy: Mission Almost Complete, Anointing of the Sick.

I am so happy, I could burst. I'm honestly ready to bounce off the walls and do back to back cartwheels but I won't. I'm still studying for finals (I have an entire novel to read by tomorrow morning. FUN!) and won't have time to do all of it until everything is done. I have done little happy dances, though. :D

"So, why are you a little ball of excitement? Where is this happiness coming from?" you may ask me. The answer is simple: Part of my mission has been completed! :D What mission? Well, if you've been reading this blog for a while now, you've seen me mention that my ultimate goal is to get both of my parents back to the Church, which (especially) means they'd have to go to confessions and receive the Eucharist. Today, one of my parents has taken that step... and I couldn't be any happier! I have prayed and wished for this moment for a couple of years now.

Originally, Fr. Juan was supposed to come just to give my dad the Anointing of the Sick. I set this ball in motion last week. I mentioned to my mom that we should probably do this, especially since my dad's been expressing an interest in prayer and attending Mass lately. Today, Fr. Juan called and let us know he was coming later in the day. I casually mentioned that dad hadn't gone to confessions or received the Eucharist in about 40 years. We both agreed to not push him (dad) but Fr. Juan would come prepared just in case.

After I greeted Fr. Juan and gave dad a few encouraging words about how it would be great if he would confess but that I'd understand if he didn't want to. I only said the second part (about not being upset if he didn't confess) because I could see dad starting to put up a "fight" against confessing. I went to my room and prayed that the Holy Spirit would help my dad and that he would take the opportunity to confess. I also got my prayer card of Pope John Paul II and asked him to pray for my dad. (side note: Mom and a few friends are currently asking for his intercession for my dad. We're hoping for a miracle!) And dad finally did. He confessed and received the Eucharist. I was so overjoyed with happiness that I cried. My father has given me the best birthday present ever (though my birthday isn't technically until tomorrow). Once he received the Eucharist, Fr. Juan prayed for him and dad received the Anointing of the Sick. After all was said and done, both dad and I were grateful for everything Fr. Juan did for us. And now, I just have to get my mom to go to confessions and receive the Eucharist and my mission will be done. :D

I have been so blessed lately, I'm completely speechless. I don't deserve any of the goodness that I've been experiencing, but I am very thankful for everything. Even with my birthday "curse" messing up my plans for tomorrow, I will still consider this the best one yet! I've been looking forward to my 24th birthday for as long as I can remember (which is about from age 7 forward) but I never knew why. I hope this was the reason why. :) Oh, and I didn't even mention that I've been lucky enough to be chosen to have priority registration at my new school, for next Fall. Man, what a great way to spend my last day as a 23 year old.

Alright, well, I think that's enough for now. :D I still have to go finish reading the Tortilla Curtain by T.C. Boyle for my English Lit class. I have a research paper on it due on Monday morning at 7:30 a.m. It's cutting it short, but I read novels pretty quickly so I'm not worried. :D

I hope everyone has a great weekend! As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D


P.S. Thank you to my twitter friends who prayed for my dad during all that happened today. It means a lot to me and my family. :D

And... Break!; Atheist Buses; Novel Playlist.

While I am missing Mass for the second week in a row (haven't been feeling well for a few days now), I am going to try to distract myself, and avoid tearing up at the prospect of not being at Church, by writing a new blog post. Not thinking about not going to Mass... and not receiving Eucharist. Not thinking about how I haven't gone to confessions in 2 weeks. Not thinking about how horrible I feel when I'm not at Church. Nope, not thinking about it... *mumbles something about 'Stupid Whatever-is-Making-Me-Feel Sick' feeling*

So... I took a week to update. I've been so busy lately, I haven't even been on the computer much. I usually check my messages through my iPod touch throughout the day. Been mainly reading and writing (and distracting myself from the fact that I feel absolutely horrible -- though not because of anxiety.) I did see the thing about the Atheist (or Agnostic) bus ads that are being seen in different European cities. I first saw this on the mobile version of the Catholic News Agency. Are they serious?! Who's the Einstein who came up with these? Well, I know who but... *shakes head* What is this world coming to? I would definitely not get on a bus that had those ads... even if it was late at night... and it was pouring and freezing cold. And I was happy to hear that a Christian bus driver refused to drive one. Rock on!

I seriously don't get these people. First they criticize Catholics, Christians, and other religions groups for supporting things they believe in (such as pro-life)... supposedly "attacking" others while they (liberals) do nothing to provoke those attacks... and then they come out with these things? Hypocritical, aren't we? Before I get into a full blown rant (trust me, this isn't even close to one, lol), I will say that I hope there is some sort of protest or boycott of those things until the ads are removed. I'm well aware that Europe is increasingly apathetic when it comes to religion, but come on! (/mini rant.)

Anyway, moving away from something I will get very passionate about to another thing I'm passionate about...

Inspiration has hit me and, man, I haven't been able to stop coming up with new ideas. Not only that, I've gotten a little braver and decided to add a few more personal experiences. Luckily, the trip I mentioned in the last post is part of the research for the ending of the novel. Well, I HAVE the ending... I just need to visit this actual city so I can write it properly. You can't research the feeling of being in a particular place without having visited it. I'm sure Will and I will have a lot fun on the trip... though it's strictly business... pffft. lol. ;D

I am going to give you a guys a sneak peek of the novel... by sharing the (not even close to being complete) soundtrack. The entire thing is random because included are songs which are mentioned in the novel, songs that set the tone/mood for certain chapters, and songs that represent Lina (or are my favorites, therefore are Lina's favorites since she's based off of me) and/or Will (favorites of the real life person). Can you guess which are his and which are hers/mine?... which are common ground?

By the way, PLEASE skip over The Bravery's "Honest Mistake". It has the F word in it (but only once and it is used instead of "mess up"). Sorry but it had to be included in the playlist. I don't normally listen to songs like this but a) it's his music and I can't take away from who he is/was and b) it plays a vital part in it (the turning point for one of the characters). Not, the novel won't mention the 'F' word in the song. It'll all make sense when you're able to read it. Trust me on this. You might also not like The Fratellis' "Flathead" either. I'm just warning y'all.

I'll make a contest out of this. If you can correctly guess which songs belong to Lina, which belong to Will, and which are "common ground", I'll send you two chapters of the novel. I'm serious. You can either leave me a message on here or email me. :D

Alright, I think that's enough for now. Hope everyone had a great week/weekend. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
.

Anxiety Update; Optimism; Saint Dreams, Part... I Lost Count Again.

Anxiety has been down for the past couple of days! Whoo! I was even able to make it to Mass on Sunday and receive the Eucharist. The only issue I had was with the cold weather and the incense inside the Church. The cold caused me a bit of pain (which is why I've had to stay indoors since Sunday afternoon) and the incense made me very lightheaded. I stuck it out, though... even when I was going to get the Eucharist and I felt like my knees were going to to give in under me (that's how lightheaded I felt). But, all is good! :D

I've been trying to stay the eternal optimist I am throughout this whole thing... and through some issues I'm having with a certain family member/the lectures I've received about donating. :D I'm not going to sit here and throw myself a pity party, complete with a solo using the world's smallest violin. I knew, in the stages of planning, that this family member would be upset with me because "we need food and money, too" (his words, not mine). I cannot NOT give, though. I know I don't have loads of money or resources, and that I want to give more than I can, which (on top of the snide remarks and lectures) causes a bit of stress and bums me out. I was trying to find a way to say how I'm placing my faith in God (knowing He will somehow help me help others), without sounding redundant, but Matt beat me to it. He wrote a great post on his Fallible Blogma site that, well, it's like he read my mind. You're not reading my mind, right, Matt? lol. Go read the article he wrote and you'll see what I mean.

If you've read my blog long enough, you know that I have saint dreams on an almost daily basis. Multiple saints, the Child Jesus, St Teresa of Avila, St Benedict (many of him), Our Lady of Lourdes, and St. Bernadette have been some of the dreams I've written about. I've had more than just these dreams. I've even dreamt about the end of the world where I go through Purgatory. Anyway, I've had a couple of good ones lately so I thought I might share. (I know a couple of the priests I personally know get a kick out of them).

A few weeks ago, I had a dream about Feast of Santa Lucia (St. Lucy). There are different European traditions/celebrations of this feast day, but I dreamt of the Swedish tradition. I ended up somewhere, in a white tent with a bunch of cute, little blond girls with wreaths on their heads, and white gowns. I remember I was the only brunette in the bunch and they were yelling at me to hurry up and get dressed because I was the one who would walk with the candle lit on my head. So I got into a white robe, my hair had two braids that resembled the breads that they prepare during this time. Then the wreath with the white candles was placed on my head. They also gave me candies to put into my pockets. As I was about to walk out of the tent, ready, I woke up. What's funny about this is that I had NO CLUE that it was a Swedish tradition. I'd heard about this before but thought it was done everywhere. Makes sense that I would dream about little blond girls dressed like St. Lucy then. lol.

I also had a chat with one of the saints who was a nun, I've forgotten who is was, in a dream. A few nights ago I dreamt of Bl. Pier Giorgio and his sister for a brief moment. I think I also had a chat with St. Raphael Archangel a few nights ago. I definitely saw him in it. I've had a few other saints appear but I've lost of track of whom. I'll have to write them down when I wake up.

I've had several dreams featuring St. Benedict, and it's usually me asking for his help because someone did witchcraft on someone else, or it's the devil's work, and I want to get rid of that. I've had quite a few of those in the past 2 weeks. The last two nights, especially last night/this morning, I've had some crazy dreams where I am fighting against the Satan himself. I think I had St. Teresa of Avila with me in last night's dream, as well as an angel -- though I am not sure if it was St. Michael Archangel. Outcome was good. Still, I have more than my fair share of dreams where I am fighting off evil with the help of a saint or two. It's not often that I wake up from a dream, to get a drink of water or something, and then go back to sleep... to continue the dream. This morning, that happened. I was fighting evil, woke up, went back to sleep, and continued it. Yesterday, it was St. Catherine of Siena who was helping me with my struggle against evil. Yeah, some pretty good saints to have with you, even if they were just dreams.

Okay, now, I've been writing long blog posts lately so I am stopping here. I probably won't write for a day or two because I've been sort of pressured/inspired by a friend to keep working on my novel (so close to being done, yet nowhere near being done, lol) so I will work on that. Hopefully next post I will share with y'all the soundtrack that goes with the novel/screenplay so that y'all can try to figure out the scenes and plot. I bet none of you will get it 100% though. :-P

As always, thanks for reading, and God Bless.

Merry Christmas!; Christmas Mass; One Year Anniversary!

Note: I am posting this a day late. I started it yesterday but didn't finish it on time. :D

A very Merry and Blessed Christmas to everyone!!! What a beautiful day! A day to thank God for sending us His son, Jesus Christ, for our salvation. :D I LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas, not only because of what the day represents but I love the closeness it promotes. It's awesome! :D

Today's been such a great day for me! I went to Mass. Not just any Mass, a SPANISH, Christmas Mass. That was HUGE for me. If you've read this blog long enough, you know I tend to avoid Spanish Masses because of how crowded they tend to get. Crowds + Anxiety = Panic Attack. In fact, I hadn't gone to a Spanish Mass since the January Mass where Fr. Stan was reading my mind. But, that was a weekday Mass and thus not crowded. Anyway, since both the local and usual (where I usually go) parishes had only one or two English Masses earlier in the morning, when it was raining cats and dogs, I had to attend a Spanish Mass. (side note: There were several non-Spanish speaking people at the Mass.) So, I got ready and was determined to make it through the Mass. I got there, saw that it wasn't that crowded and thanked the Lord. But, the second I went in I was hit with the intense smell of the incense. I have a very sensitive nose so I thought "Uh... I'm out!" Luckily, the back room has windows AND speakers so you can watch and listen to the Mass without being in the main room (which was not very well ventilated). On the down side, there is NO sitting. So, I had the choice of making myself sick with the smell of incense... or tough it out and stand throughout the entire Mass. Which did I choose? I stood the entire Mass. My back ached, I felt kind of weak (been feeling more and more weak as each day passes), but I was determined to make it through the entire Mass and to received the Eucharist. And, I did.

I had my little moments of anxiety, especially walking towards the altar in the middle of all the people (I was second in line to receive communion) from the back to the front. I just kept looking at my feet, or up at the cross, internally praying and asking God to please not let me faint. I stood there, shaking, until Fr. Juan and the other Eucharistic ministers finished with the elders and the sick who can't get in line (it's custom at the local church that they go first). Then I walked back to the back room, where my dad was waiting (he stuck it out, standing, with me) and I just burst into tears. Happy tears! To be able to attend Mass, a dreaded (only because of the crowds) one, and to receive the Eucharist without breaking out into an actual panic attack was amazing for me. I thanked God, in my mind, for helping me through it all. At the end of Mass, we got in line to kiss one of the two baby Jesus statues Fr. Juan and the other deacon (his name escapes me, sorry!) were holding. After we did that, we came home and that was it. :D

I didn't really do anything for Christmas. I didn't really get presents, but that's just how I wanted it. For once, my friends listened to me when I said "NO PRESENTS!" lol. I would rather they do something for someone and say that that is their gift for me, than getting material things. Last year, my adoptive "sister" DJ donated to a charity in my name, which was the best gift I could've received. Oh, I did receive an A in my History of World Religions course!!! That was a great present. My professor updated the grades in the afternoon so it counts as a present. :D So, not counting the Philosophy of Logic grade which I still don't know about since we have no idea if the professor will curve the grade like he did with the midterm, I've received two A's and one B thus far! Whoo! :D I should be receiving at least a B (86%) in Philosophy so I'm not worrying. If the professor curves the grade, then, whoo! lol. Either way, I'll be a happy camper. :D

Anyway... moving on... I cannot believe it's been exactly ONE YEAR since I started this blog. I honestly had no idea where I would be going with the blog, but I'm happy with how it's turned out. I didn't even plan on starting it on Christmas, last year, but that's how it happened. I'm glad to have made the friends I've made through this blog. It makes me feel good when I get messages about particular topics or even prayer requests. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that other people no longer feel they are the only ones going through certain things. :D I thank the Lord that I've been able to write as much as I have. I've not yet begun either. There are more topics I will write about; more personal stories I will share. :D

And with that, I will end the blog. :D You'll get this a day late 'cause I felt sick yesterday afternoon (Christmas). Been feeling really weak and fatigued but I'm chalking it up to some leftover anxiety that's manifesting itself physically. That happens with me... it may take days for anxiety to get released. :D

Thank you all for helping me make this blog what it is today. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
.

Palpitations and Pains in Church; Golden Crucifix Dream.

Man, I've had one doozy of a weekend. When I went to confessions yesterday, my heart kept beating as though it was going to jump out of my chest. It calmed down when I confessed but when I went to kneel in front of the tabernacle, it started right up again. I was trying to say the Act of Contrition and then say the amount of prayers Fr. Juan had given me but I just couldn't concentrate. My heart was beating with so much force that the St. Jude medallion (which I wear on a chain) was actually bouncing off my shirt. That's never happened and it was quite scary. I closed my eyes and said "Lord, if this is the work of the enemy trying to keep me from praying, please help me." I managed to calm down and concentrated after that.

Today, I went to Mass by myself (mom's battling a painful toothache and dad simply didn't "feel like going"). I was fine until I started getting these chest pains over my heart. I ignored the first one but when the second and third came I worried and left Mass. They were about to start with the Eucharist too. :( I was seriously scared because the pains burned. I only got about 5 pains before it stopped though. Still, I got home and I cried. After the ordeal I went through last year, I've remained very nervous about my heart. I think (and hope) it was maybe some heartburn or something. I'd eaten some hot (chili) chicken in the morning and then took a nap an hour and a half later. I woke up with my stomach all acid-y so I think that that's what triggered the burning chest pains. I haven't had any pains since, thank goodness. To be honest, I think I cried mostly because I left Mass early. I was scared about the pains but didn't get a panic attack or anything like that. Hopefully I won't get a repeat of it again.

I don't know what's going on but I think I'm definitely in for a fight. I haven't been praying as much as I used to -- either I run out of time or forget. I didn't go to Mass for two weekends (I was sick in bed the first week and had that midterm last Sunday) and confession for 3 weeks. That was also a first. I usually go to confession once a week... or at least once every 2 weeks. It's been that way for nearly 2 years now. I had to leave Mass early the last time I went, and again today. My parents have started refusing to go to Church with me. Oh, I'm definitely in for a battle but I'm not going to give up on these things! At least I'm still having my wonderful dreams.

A few nights ago I had this dream that I was left at the altar, in my wedding dress, by someone I cared about in real life a while ago. Anyway, I was really upset in the dream and then I found this golden crucifix. It somehow appeared in my hand, wrapped in a silk handkerchief. I was so happy to see it that I kissed it because I knew that it was a sign of comfort... and then woke up. I told a friend of mine about this and he said, "Well, maybe the golden Crucifix means that Jesus is always there. Gold is precious, so even though things go to custard, as you could say, Jesus is still there. So Jesus is your treasure." I think he's right. Lately I've been feeling just horrible at home and the lack of communications between my friends and I is starting to take its toll on me. I think that I just have to remember that I'll always have the love of God, and our beautiful Blessed Mother; especially when I don't feel it from anyone else. The dream was definitely a reminder of that... and that's such a comforting thought to have. :D I hope everyone remembers that when they're feeling down.

Alright, well, I have to work on some schoolwork. Yeah, it's a never-ending cycle of critical analysis and research papers. lol. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
.

Best Day Ever!; Participating in Mass; Bon Voyage!

Raise your hand if you've had the best day ever. *raises both hands and waves them around, excitedly*. Haha. I'm such a dork. :D Yes, I've had an amazing day, THANK YOU, GOD! I honestly don't know what I did to deserve such a fantastic day but I thank God for giving me a day like today. After helping my parents out with financial issues (seriously, I cannot say "No" to them), they surprised me by taking me to a soccer shop where they sell jerseys and whatnot from all the clubs all over the world -- including those of my favorite teams. Can we say WHOOOO?! lol. As soon as we walked in, I spotted the Liverpool jerseys. Seriously, I don't know how but I spotted them within 30 seconds on being in the store. Haha. Unfortunately, they didn't have any ladies jerseys (either old or the newer ones). Bummer. They did have men's jerseys and stuff but I wanted a ladies one. AND they didn't have any of the players names in the back. I think I'm going to save up to order a jersey from the official club website... so I can get Daniel Agger's name and number on the back (Agger 5). I think Dad wanted to get a Spain jersey but didn't. Mom surprised me by buying me an official Liverpool crested cap, though. They had scarves and other things but I'd prefer the cap. It's an LFC thing, it's red, and it blocks out the sun (I HATE getting tanned) so it all works out for the best. lol.

After my little "SQUEE!" moment at the soccer shop (so many things, to little time), we went to Mass. It was Fr. John's first Mass at our parish so it was special. We got there like half an hour earlier than usual but it was okay. It gave us a chance to get one of the best seats. Several minutes into the Mass, this man walks towards my mom and I (who were the only ones who went to Mass; Dad refused again *sigh*) and asks us if we want to take the Altar Cloth up to the altar and put it on there. I was like "What? ME?!" Mom was so into it, she pushed me to go. Haha. Now, you have to remember that typically, I am like "NOOOO!" about these things because of my anxiety. But, I thought to myself that this would be a special thing that I could do (and with my mom no less); to have more of an active participation during Mass. I agreed to do it and when we got the okay, we walked up to the altar and got it all set up for the Eucharist. I have to admit, my heart was pounding at first (and said a silent prayer to St. Dymphna) because I HATE being the center of attention. HATE IT. Why do you think I stopped performing? lol. But, anyway, I was happy and honored to have done it (and, look ma, no anxiety! WHOOO! lol). I sure picked a good day to get dolled up. lol. This was the first time I've gotten really dressed up (heels included) for Mass in a long time. Usually I feel so physically horrible (or really anxious) so I'm not worried about what I wear (though I do make an effort to look nice) but, for some reason, I woke up wanted to get all dressed up and I'm glad I did. lol. So, yay! Mass was a little more special to me than usual. :D

Also, after Mass, this woman who used to be our neighbor over 14 years ago saw me and she came right up and hugged me. I was like "Uh... do I know you?" because I didn't recognize her until the light bulb went off in my head. Ironically, I had just asked my dad if he remembered the lady and her daughters last Tuesday, after the Earthquake, because they lived here during the big one in 1994. I remember that my dad got the cars out of the garage and the two little girls and I slept in the car (the earthquake happened at 4:30 a.m.) until the sun came up. I had no idea they attended our parish so it was lovely to see old friends again. I got so many hugs, they'll probably last me a long time. lol.

ACK! Barcelona is playing against Chivas de Guadalajara (Mexican club) and I want to go watch it. I didn't write as fast as I wanted. But, before I go, I should mention that I am going to be going out of the country (YES!!!!) next weekend for a few days so if you don't get an update from me, that's why. I hope to take many pictures... as many as my dinky little memory card will let me take. lol. I do plan on visiting churches from the city/country I'll be visiting so watch out for those.

Alright, well, I guess that's all. Thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
.

Mass, A Walk to Remember, The List, and Boxes Galore.

Okay, first with awesome news. I made it through the ENTIRE Mass without leaving. Not even for a split second! YEAH!!!!! Even better... I sat closer to the altar and I sat in the middle of couples so that it would be tricker to leave. OH YEAH!! Thank you, God! I was so happy and the priest who usually hears my confessions (and knows about my anxiety) saw me and he said he was glad to have seen me. :D I am so proud of myself. Per usual, I went by myself (still working on getting my parents back). I didn't take Eucharist, though I really wanted to :(, because I didn't feel right. Though I was told what I'd done (saying the Lord's name in vain) wasn't mortal because I didn't intentionally do it, I still didn't feel right. But I did pray and ask His forgiveness for what I'd done. Either way, it was awesome and the Mass was lovely. :D

I didn't do much today because of the ridiculous weather. It was hotter than yesterday so I didn't bother going out. I did, however, watch a movie that I've loved since I first saw it. "A Walk to Remember" is awesome and I don't know why it took me years to re-watch it! Yes, it's a chick flick but it's a good one. It definitely helped me clean my tear ducts, that's for sure. Haha. This is one of those movies that never fails to make me cry -- but they're mainly happy tears. It definitely brought back some memories and I just felt completely different (in a good way) afterwards. :) It definitely inspired me to be more like the main character, Jamie Sullivan, in not caring what others think and really giving myself fully to the Lord without excuses for doing so. If you've seen the movie, you know that Jamie (who is played by Mandy Moore) has a list with everything she wants to do. She has things like being in 2 places at once, getting a tattoo, and getting married at the church where her mother grew up in and where her parents married. That got me thinking that I wanted to make a list because, really, I want some new goals to work towards. So, without further ado... THE LIST.

The LIST (In no particular order):
- Attend Mass at the Vatican.
- Make it to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
- Move to a certain Northern European country.
- Visit the places that are connected to my favorite saints.
- Be in 4 places at once (which is very possible).
- Get at least 5 books published -- in different genres.
- Learn at least 2 more languages, and speak them fluently.
- Learn how to drive -- on both the right and left sides of the road.
- Backpack through Europe before I have children.
- Buy my parents a big house in a certain city.

There's more but those are the only ones I can share that aren't too detailed. I won't say what my top 3 are (hint: they're not written on this blog. :D) so don't even try to get them out of me.

So, while I had fun making my list (and plotting how to get future husband to go along with my plans... that Nerd... lol), my dad had the task of going through all the boxes that were packed up during the move. Since we're FINALLY all settled in now, it's time to go through the boxes. Well, dad and mom do 'cause I'm solid. I didn't really pack 'cause I didn't have much stuff to put into boxes. :D Since we're starting new, they (moreso my dad than mom) have to go through everything and say what they do and don't want in the house. It'll probably take them a while but it'll be nice to have things that aren't needed out of the house. :D The only reason I can't help is because I'd tell them to throw everything out (I'm a minimalist) and that wouldn't sit well with dad. lol. Oh well. :D

Alright, so... I'm so sorry to make this entry short but I've got a busy day tomorrow and it started very early. I'm not complaining though, I'm going to enjoy what it planned (I hope ;D). 'Til next time... thanks for reading and God Bless.
.