Growing in Trust: My Theresian and Marian Lenten Lessons

“Are you crying because you want to do God’s will or you want God to do your will?”

That's what St. Frances of Rome's confessor asked her when she objected to getting married and asked God to please help her become a nun instead. This is also a phrase that has often popped up in my mind this Lenten season. Don't worry, I won't repeat what I wrote about my impatience and will versus God's will. Instead, I'm going to share something I keep "learning" this Lenten season with a little help from both of my co-patronesses for the year: Our Blessed Mother and St. Therese.

I've been having a very Theresian Lenten season. She's been popping up in my life so much since late last year that I've taken to learning as much as I can about her life this season. I started with the same Lenten book I've been using for the past (nearly) decade, A Lenten Journey with Jesus and St. Therese of Lisieux by Fr. John F. Russell, O. Carm. Then I moved onto A Family of Saints: The Martins of Lisieux‐Saints Thérèse, Louis, and Zélie by Stephane-Joseph Piat (side note: major family goals!) and My Sister, St. Therese by Sr. Genevieve of the Holy Face (a.k.a. Celine Martin).

The more I read, the more I find a kindred spirit in St. Therese... and then more confidence I feel about being myself and expressing my faith in a way that people may ridicule but that would, at least, be authentic. The "flowery" language, the childlike way of looking at things -- I understand it. I feel it deep down... way down because I've tried to bury it because others made fun of me for it. It wasn't until recently that I've allowed myself to be more open about it; even if I end up getting ridiculed for my "innocence."

Another thing I've been learning is in growing in my trust in God. St. Therese had such a beautiful trust in Him as did my model of what true womanhood is: Our Blessed Mother. Mama Mary's fiat is the ultimate example of trust in God. She knew that she would suffer but she still consented to do God's will and only being a "handmaiden of the Lord." That's what I want and hope to eventually go myself to without letting any fears or worries get to me.

Last week I began the 33 Days to Merciful Love: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat in Preparation for Consecration to Divine Mercy by Fr. Michael E. Gaitley, MIC. It's been such a blessing because it's allowed me to dive deeper in what's become my theme for this Lenten season: growing in trust of Him through the examples of both Mama Mary and St. Therese. I know that it was no fluke that somehow both became co-patronesses of the year for me. I also believe that it's no coincidence that I found out which monastery God seems to want me to attach myself as a Benedictine Oblate during this season when I'm so deeply immersed in all of this learning and growth.

Today, I was reminiscing about how many times I've cried to God about what I want without thinking that His will for me might be different. Of course, we can't change His mind but He can also grant us what we keep bugging Him about -- something I've also learned the hard way in the past. I would've avoided a lot of heartaches, stress, and dumb decisions if I had just listened to God's clear signs instead of asking Him to grant me what I wanted; things He allowed me to experience so that I could finally "get" that His plans for me are so much better than my own.

Exactly one week ago today, I learned where I would be headed in a couple of months to begin my Benedictine oblate novitiate. I still don't know how I'm going to pay for it -- I have not figured out any new fundraising ideas nor have I had any new work leads and I only have about a fourth of my goal saved up -- but I'm trusting God to provide a way if it's His will that I go forward with this. Yes, I'm putting what I've been learning this season into practice.

I've already resigned myself to the possibility that I won't be able to begin my Oblate novitiate this upcoming summer and that I will have to delay it for a couple of months -- until the end of the year -- if I can't raise the money in time to put down the retreat deposit and then book my flight. I've never felt more certain or at peace with any decision in my life as I am of not only becoming a Benedictine oblate but also knowing that this particular monastery is the one that He seems to want to be as my spiritual home. But the timeline remains up in the air. The finances are a bit stressful, as is the thought of having to take a plane (flying and I don't mix... at all!) but all my trust is in God.

I feel like this is just the first of many "tests" I will be facing in the next couple of months; experiences that will help me see if I'm growing in my trust of God or if I'm still holding onto my fears and letting them dictate what I do (or don't do). I don't know why but I feel like I'm going to be tested in my trust of God and of doing His will in every area of my life that I've been stagnant in for so long (especially my vocation). I know I'm usually quiet about that area of my life but let's just say that I think I have an inkling that I might know what's going to happen in that area of my life... and that I'm going to have to not only wait a little while longer but that I'll have to be incredibly patient and selfless. I have a feeling I'll become an Oblate before I go forward with my "big v" vocation. Again, just an inkling I've been having for a couple of weeks now; one that I'm surprisingly at peace with.

Anyway, I feel like I'm starting to repeat myself so I'll just leave it at that.

How is everyone else's Lenten season going? Anyone seeing any fruits?

I hope your start of the week has been going well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Does Anyone Have Any Oblate Trip Fundraising Ideas?

It's official! I know where I will begin my Oblate novitiate in a couple of months! I'm so very excited!! I had done the St. Benedict novena for his first feast day of the year (March 21st) which ended less than a week ago for this very intention -- a clear sign to where God wanted me if it was His will that I become an Oblate. I also talked to a trusted priest -- who had given me much needed advice -- exactly one week ago. I have no doubt that it was the combo of the prayers of St. Frances of Rome (did a novena to her earlier this month), St. Benedict, our parish priest, my friends (who've been praying for me during the months I've been waiting to hear from the places where I had sent my inquiries) and from you lovely blog readers who might've said a prayer for me following the March 21st post about my impatience and my will vs God's will.

For months, I had been waiting to hear back from the Benedictine monastery where I hope to attach myself to. All that time spent waiting and praying helped me be sure that it was where God wanted me, not where I wanted to go for whatever convenient or selfish reason. There was another monastery I thought I would end up at but, for several reasons, it didn't work out. In hindsight, it was best for me because I think it could've potentially harmed my spiritual life more than helped it.

Now I have the exciting yet partially stressful task of planning the trip to the retreat where I will officially begin my novitiate. I'm excited about it for obvious reasons. This is something I've been praying and waiting for for over a year when I officially began sending inquiries to monasteries. As I've begun to incorporate the Benedictine spirituality and Rule into my life, I've seen so much more peace and purpose in my life. I can see how I'm growing, spirituality, though I never notice it until much later. As excited as I am, I have one big problem: I don't have the savings to make the trip.

As many of you know, it's just my mother and I and has been this way since my father passed away almost 10 years ago. With my health not being the best in recent years, work has been hard to come by since I can currently only work from home. I've had a slight relapse over the winter months (which makes sense; I have a severe vitamin D deficiency I've yet to recover from and it's been mostly rainy and/or cloudy this past winter) which has made even freelance writing difficult. Roughly 85% of my paychecks go towards helping my mother out with keeping the household financially afloat and 13% goes towards my student loan payments. If we have anything left over at the end of the month, it goes towards my savings but it's rare when I can put part of it into savings. Also, after a particularly disastrous financial month this month, my savings also took a hit so I'm left with enough for just one way to the retreat destination.

That's where I need your help: I need help figuring out fundraising ideas. If any of you know of someone who needs a writer, a proofreader, or anything I can do from home, please let me know! In the spirit of the Benedictines, I would like to work for what I earn. Transcribing is too time consuming and doing VIPkid would not work with my own fatigue since I never know when the fatigue will overwhelm me into slumber.

I've had people suggest a GoFundMe but I have nothing other than prayers to offer as a "thank you." I also have my mother's voice in my head, drilling into me (as a child) that I need to work hard for what I want; that I shouldn't take advantage of people by asking for help, even financially. It may be bordering on a pride thing but it's something that I've heard so much over the past 33 years of my life so I feel guilty even thinking about setting up an account.

Right now, I need to save up for the round-trip fare (I have a terrible fear of flying, especially if I'm going by myself, so I'll be looking up both train and flight fares), the $ I'll spend on food during the trip, for the actual retreat, and the car rental fee/Lyft costs when I arrive at my destination. I don't want to say when the trip is or where I'm headed for privacy issues but I do plan on blogging the experience after it happens. I'm also withholding which monastery I'll become a novice with from public knowledge for now, again, due to safety and privacy issues. Once the time of the trip comes, I'll share as many details as I can give. :)

So, does anyone have any ideas or know of anyone who needs a writer or proofreader? Please send me any leads you may have!

Alright, well, that's it for now. I'm going to go try to figure out Amtrak (and flight, gulp) fares and crunch some numbers.

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)