Friday, July 17, 2015

Entrusting My Loneliness to God

First off, I want to say a huge "thank you!" to everyone who prayed for me over the weekend and earlier this week. As I mentioned in my last post, I felt myself going through a metaphorical desert for about a week and a half. I think that all the stress of being pushed and pulled in every direction by well meaning people (or, at least, I'm assuming they were well meaning), seeing my mom being mentally and emotionally bullied at work (please say a prayer for her if you can as it has yet to stop), and having the anniversary of dad's death all in the same week overwhelmed me. Like I said in the previous post, I shut down when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Lately, I've been feeling lonely. I feel like people take me for granted. I ask for little in return... and when I do ask for that little bit, I'm pushed to the side because no one wants to deal with it. I have been the confidant of so many people. I keep many secrets. I'm asked for advice (sometimes on things beyond my experience or knowledge) and I ask the Holy Spirit to help me say the right words to people, even if that's redirecting them to someone who may be able to better help them. I'm always there for friends when they need to cry, rant, explode with happiness, etc. That means that I've sacrificed sleep, sacrificed doing something for myself (even if it means eating), because I want to be there for my friends. However, lately it's seemed one-sided.

I needed someone to talk to this past weekend... and I had no one. I understand that my friends were busy and that they have things going on in their own lives. However, when I expressed feeling sad and drained due to the anniversary of my father's death, those I reached out to quickly changed the topic... or asked me if I was going to dwell on it all day. I didn't want much; I just wanted someone to listen to me for 5 minutes about how hard it is not to have my dad, despite his having passed years ago. I needed to tell someone how people are making me feel like I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. 5 minutes of talking to a human being, that's all I require. I don't need any words to be returned, a simple hug or the mention of a possible prayer would've been more than enough. That's all I need to be able to keep my spirits up. What I ended up with was feeling overwhelmingly lonely.

Having the fact that I'm still single shoved in face every single day by (again) well meaning people hurts. I've had to deal with this for the past two months, almost unceasingly. Like the age of 30 -- despite not looking nor feeling that old -- doomed me to a life of old maid (or a nun because it obviously meant that I wasn't meant to marry) if I didn't do anything about it right now. I've expressed not wanting my personal life discussed with frequency... to deaf ears.

I had NO issue with my state in life until it became the sole focus on some people in my life. I was fine being single; happy to be given the time to know myself after having spent my late teens and early 20s helping take care of my father during his last years of life. I didn't feel the "ache of loneliness" (as Jackie Francois once said)... until people kept bringing it up. That coupled with the fact that I felt like I had no one to talk to me made the loneliness seem worse.

My initial reaction to being engulfed with the feeling was to seek something to fill that loneliness... and, in a beautiful moment of clarity (while contemplating a novena to the Immaculate Heart of Mary), I realized that only God could suffice that gaping hole. I'm sure my daily recitation of the Rosary -- though I had to force myself to pray it on some days -- helped me reach that conclusion.

That was the turning point for me. My thoughts lately have been: "alright, God... no human being is going to fulfill that emptiness and loneliness; only You can do that." I said as much to my spiritual director at our meeting this week. When I said it to him, I realized that I was being led out of that desert by Him. I can't express how grateful I feel. I've known people who've felt the same (or greater) amount of loneliness and have sought comfort that ended up being a source of great regret for them. I didn't want to make that same mistake... and it looks like He didn't want me to either. 

I'm not sure how all of this (having Him fill that hole) to be accomplished but I trust Him. I'm going to start a double novena to the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the Sacred Heart of Jesus to entrust my heart to them. I'm going to seek refuge in them, especially during this time when I feel taken for granted, taken advantage of, and, sadly, feeling unloved... which leads to feeling lonely.

I'm sorry this isn't one of those happy blog posts but it's what's going on with me. Though I don't always express my feelings so easily -- and that stems from my desire to not trouble people -- I still feel deeply. Yes, I know that feelings aren't always to be trusted... but I still have them. It's what makes me empathetic (or so I've been told) and what makes me me. I like myself, emotions and all.

I also didn't write this blog post to shame anyone whom I know. My hopes for this blog post are to remind people that sometimes listening to a friend (especially the one whom you normally run to) is all they need and to tell anyone who's in the same boat that they're not alone. I know I'm not the first nor will I be the last. Oh, and to my friends: absolutely no hard feelings. I understand that we can't always be there for everyone. :)

Anyway, that's from me for now. I'm trying to cut my time online (yes, again) as part of my new self-care routine (which I will share in the near future) so I'm going to try to finish everything I need to do.

I hope y'all have a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D


AnneMarie said...

God is doing so much beautiful work in your life, and I love how receptive you are trying to be to Him. Because so many people, as you mentioned, would try to fill that ache or hole with unsatisfying, bad things-yet you are striving to fill yourself with God and Our Lady. You are an amazing woman! This might sound repetitive, but thank you for sharing so much of your incredible journey with all of us! Your honesty and openness to grace is truly fabulous :)

Tomato said...

We are in different places in life, but I definitely understand dealing with a hole that only God can fill. It reminds me of a St. Augustine quote "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you." Praying for you!

Becca R said...

Entrusting God and seeking the Holy Spirit will never let you down. We all get down on ourselves but by trusting him you will be able to see the beauty in life. You got this with Jesus by your side!

Emmy Cecilia said...

AnneMarie - Thank you for your kind words! <3

Emmy Cecilia said...

Tomato - Thank you!

Emmy Cecilia said...

Becca R - Amen!