How the Blessed Virgin Mary Has Taught Me to Trust and Say "Fiat."

“And Mary said: Behold the handmaid of the Lord: be it done to me according to thy word.” (Luke 1:38).

Me, during the 2018 Rosary novena and St. Andrew Christmas novena: Lord, please help me imitate our Blessed Mother more closely.

Me, on March 25, 2020: Lord... I see what You're doing...

Lately, I've been reflecting a lot on how my relationship with the Blessed Virgin Mary has grown over the years. For years after my reversion, I felt like I couldn't turn to her because of how sinful I was (and am). I didn't think she would answer my prayers because of how often I failed her and her Son. Over the years, that has changed.

I pray the Rosary every single day (I think I've only missed 3 days in the last 2-3 years due to illness-induced exhaustion). I used the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary for several years before I started doing the Divine Office via the Monastic Diurnal. I've done the annual 54-day Rosary novena for over 10 years now. I do the Memorare emergency novena when I'm in a bind. I do the daily consecration prayer (which my parish priest introduced to be when we first met), which has been part of my daily routine for the past couple of years. I consecrated myself her in June 2018, something I wish I had done years earlier. In a nutshell, I'm a total Mama's girl! That is why I chose my Instagram username, lapetitefleurmariale -- the little Marian flower.

Today is a special feast day for me because of her words, "Be it done to me according to Thy word", have been a reoccurring theme in my life. When she became my co-patroness (along with St. Therese) for the year 2019, I didn't know I would be repeating them so often myself. In hindsight, I should've known since I had asked God to make me more like her in late 2018. I got a taste of it during Lent 2019 but I really had no clue just what else was coming after that. Still, I had no clue just what big things He was going to ask of me.

My first big test came when I had to travel to Chicago, on my first solo trip ever (and on an airplane by myself for the first time ever), not knowing a single soul at the retreat beyond Fr. Basil... who I had only communicated with via email. I felt called to become a Benedictine Oblate but didn't have the money to do so. He provided.

I got to the retreat center and found out that they had botched up my dietary restrictions and thought I was taking my own food, leaving me with nothing but the tortillas I took to eat. Instead of calling it a day and heading back home, I stuck it out. There was no way God had gotten me there without good reason. I barely ate and I sleep about 3 hours per night the entire time I was there but I somehow managed to survive it and the flight back home.

On the second day of the retreat, I ended up in the ER... and would find myself at various ERs over the next 6 months. My health had a major relapse. I'm still down at 113 lbs from 130 lbs prior to my relapse. My anemia got worse over the last couple of months. My platelets tanked to the lowest they've ever been (but still not low enough for transfusions) late last year. My diet got even more restricted. I developed bilateral optic nerve edemas that still cause temporary blindness when I wake up in the mornings or from naps. My dental health has plummeted in recent months, unsure of what's triggering the sudden changes. We're not sure what's going on with my liver, too. We don't know what exact autoimmune disease I have though signs are pointing to either MCAS or Sjogren's Syndrome (the later would explain both the edemas and the dental issues). Yet I find myself praying the Rosary for others in the ER, patiently (or trying to be patient) trusting Him with my health, and trying to find gratitude even in that chaos.

Then came the emotional tests.

First, big (and, unfortunately, ongoing) familial problems added to my health relapse. The one good thing that's come out of this pandemic is that it's helping mend the broken relationships I have with certain family members.

Then I had to abandon months of discernment and wedding planning with my best (guy) friend because I couldn't ignore God's call to discern consecrated virginity. Providentially, this happened during last year's 54-day Rosary novena. Mama Mary was interceding big time; there's no denying that. I had to give up the sense of stability and security with a man who loves me for one of uncertainty and total abandonment and trust in His Divine Providence. This is especially true since CVs have to financially support themselves, which has been hard for me to do with my health issues. Still, the unshakeable peace I feel makes me certain that this is God's will for me. That and, boy, has my love for Him grown in recent months. I know I sound like a broken record but I cannot imagine myself not being His bride.

With the quarantine (day 12 today), the increasingly grim news on the coronavirus (knowing I'm in one of the most vulnerable at-risk groups with my health issues), and the uncertainty of it all, let's just say the last 9 months have been difficult. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, I'm being stretched beyond my limits... but then a day like today comes along and reminds me of how every single thing that I go through is something that I must endure for the sanctification and purification of my soul.

I find myself growing more and more trusting in God and resigning myself more to His will, no matter how hard it gets. Last night, Mom found some physical signs that I might either have lower platelets or that my body is reacting to something, severity unknown. I had seen some but there was a new (and big) one, in an area that I can't see, that caused some alarm. I called my doctor today and have a telephone appointment with her tomorrow morning. I keep reminding myself that His will is what is best for me. That also goes with my coronavirus fears.

As I wrote on today's Instagram post caption, "I’m admittedly fearful of the unknown; of the sufferings I have yet to endure. I’m worried that I won’t get the Sacraments in time; that I won’t have a chance to do some good in this world while I can... but then I think back to Mama Mary. She said 'yes' despite the unknown. Even when St. Simeon told her of her future sufferings, she trusted Him completely. That gives me the strength I need to push aside my fears & continue saying 'yes' to God’s will for my life."

Of course, I will continue to pray that if it's part of God's will that I do get sick, that I may have enough time to get myself prepared -- both with health (there are some things I can do to help raise the red blood count levels) so that I can beat the odds and with the state of my soul (either getting into the confessional in time or being allowed to have a priest see me while there's still time) in either case. Yes, completely morbid to think about, but that is the reality of being a chronically ill Catholic in the midst of a pandemic. Life is not guaranteed but we must make the most of it and live as closely to God as we can.

Getting back to the point of this post: today reminds me that even in the middle of chaos, uncertainty, and suffering, God is always there. Look at Our Lady of Sorrows -- all the sufferings that the Blessed Virgin endured during her life. She watched her Son suffer and die in agony on the Cross for humanity. Yet, she remained faithful in humble obedience. She never waivered in her fiat. I want to be like her -- to always say my own "fiat"; to always say "yes" to all the little crosses that God asks me to carry for the rest of my life. (Side note: Our Lady of Sorrows has my most constant companion in the last 9 months, ever since the day I became an Oblate novice when my Oblate master gifted me a beautiful print that I've yet to find a frame for.)

I will continue to say "yes" to the sufferings, sacrifices, and sorrows that will undoubtedly come. Even if not now, in the future. In the midst of all those moments, I will try to remember the good, the beauty, and the love that is hidden in them.

I will also continue to say yes to the beautiful but difficult (for this impatient gal) moments that seem to be too far in the future.

I won't be able to make my Final Act of Oblation and become an official Benedictine Oblate (currently in my novitiate period) this summer as I had hoped but, God willing, I will after the pandemic dies down a bit... no pun intended. Right now it's looking like a Summer 2021 date for that. In the meantime, I will continue to grow in my spiritual life as a Benedictine.

The road to consecrated virginity will be a long one. We're looking at 2 years minimum, maybe 7 years maximum. I'm so grateful to continue receiving spiritual direction during this time (thank goodness for FaceTime since the L.A. Archdiocese has closed parishes, suspended Masses, and postponed the reception of Sacraments for another couple of weeks). I still don't know if Archbishop Gomez will allow me to go forward with the consecration (remember, bishops of the discerning CV's diocese have the final say and a "No" means it ends there) when the time comes to meet him and talk about my discernment process, but I will say "yes" to whatever path God leads me down. Whether it is (God willing; my heart is set on it) becoming a consecrated virgin, making private vows to virginity, or ultimately doing something else, I will accept His will for me. I keep hoping that what happened during one of my last trips to daily Mass (pre-quarantine) is a sign that I will become a CV.

Also, just a side note before I end this post: I had this moment a few weeks ago when I laughed upon realizing that God took my petition to become more like His Blessed Mother a lot more literally than I had in mind. I was praying to become less selfish, more charitable, more loving, more obedient, less feisty and defensive; less, well, incredibly flawed me. What I didn't expect was to be called to discern consecration virginity... but it makes sense. After all, she is the Queen of Virgins. She is the ultimate example of "vocation goals" for what life as a consecrated virgin should be. I see what You did there, Lord... and I welcome it, with my whole heart!

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with y'all. The post just came to mind while finishing the caption of the IG post. You know me; I write as I am inspired.

Mama Mary, thank you for being my ultimate role model; for being a beautiful example of true femininity. Thank you for your Fiat! Please continue to pray for me.

God, please continue to chip away my sinful habits and learn to become more and more like our Blessed Mother. I will always say "yes" to what You ask of me, even if it's increasingly difficult to do so -- difficult because I've grown comfortable in my own little bubble. Can I please be a bride of Christ? Really, that's all I want at this point! I want nothing more than to belong to Him. Please and thank you!

Happy feast of the Annunciation, everyone! Only 9 more months until Christmas! ;)

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

My Gift to Baby Jesus: My Heart and Vocation Discernment

"This is my Chrismas/birthday gift to you, baby Jesus. I'm letting go, once and for all."

With those uttered words, I took a deep breath and I finally let go of something I had reluctantly been holding onto for so long. I was going to wait until Christmas to "pull the trigger" but it became abundantly clear that I couldn't keep putting it off any longer. There were too many "signs" and circumstances that I couldn't ignore. The fact that it all happened on the last day of the 54-day Rosary novena was no coincidence either. Of that, I am sure. So, I let go. And, please, no one start singing that Frozen song. lol.

This is the first time I "give" a gift to the child Jesus but it was something that has been slowly growing in my heart in recent weeks. What it is that I let go, I can't publicly state out of respect for those involved but it was something that needed to be done in order to go forward with my discernment to consecrated virginity. Surprise! Or not. lol. I know those following me on Twitter and Instagram won't be surprised as I've mentioned it enough over the last couple of weeks but it will be for those not following me on those platforms who do read this blog.

Yes, you read that right: I am beginning my discernment to consecrated virginity. It has not been an easy road. The idea has come up more than once over the years but I've always stubbornly fought it because I was sure I was called to marriage and family. Then I discerned that and, well, there was something still missing. Don't get me wrong. I felt happy... but there was a God-shaped hole I just couldn't ignore.

To be honest, I hated not belonging fully to God; to feel like my heart was divided in two and that He wasn't getting more of me than He was getting. It didn't feel right to me. Of course, there's more to the story but it came down to my feeling pulled away from God and being miserable about it. Slowly, things began unraveling and the discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity became more and more clear. Once St. Agatha came up as my patroness for the year 2020 in the Saint's Name Generator (and then St. Philomena decided to officially join the party as my co-patroness; I'll write more about her soon), I knew I could no longer ignore the call.

As hard as letting go might've been (and it was!), I felt a tremendous peace doing it because I knew that it was what God was calling me to do. As a wise friend reminded me earlier this week, sometimes God calls us to sacrifice something for Him; to show Him that we're willing to follow Him instead of our own selfishness inclinations. Of course, I will continue to pray for those involved. I wish them peace and happiness. I also hope they understand that I couldn't, in good conscience, ignore God's call.

I am incredibly blessed to have the support of so many people -- friends and online acquaintances alike -- at the start of this journey. I don't have the full support of the most important person in my life, but I knew that going forward. God warned us that we would meet opposition when we gave everything up to follow Him, but it's something I'm willing to do. I know God, through the intercessions of Our Lady, St. Agatha, and St. Philomena, will grant me the fortitude necessary.

I don't know if this will ultimately be my vocation. I actually won't get to decide that either -- it'll be Archbishop Gomez! Yes, you read that correctly. I may discern all I want with my spiritual director but if Archbishop Gomez -- after hearing why I discerned this vocation and how I arrived to my conclusion that God may be calling me to this -- doesn't think it's truly what God is calling me to do, that will be the end of that. In obedience (as both a Benedictine Oblate and someone trying to properly discern this vocation), I will have to accept whatever decision he makes. Of course, I will pray that the Holy Spirit helps him arrive at the "final verdict" that is in accordance with God's will for my life. Still, it may end up being a long, hard discernment road that may end up with me back where I started.

The unknown can be anxiety-inducing, especially to someone who likes to make plans, but this is where I need to put my money where my mouth is. Do I truly trust God with childlike faith? I better do so because there is so much uncertainty right now. All I know is that God has cleared the path for me to move forward with my discernment and that is what I'm going to do. If anything, I will come out of this having discerned all the vocations and I will have no doubt as to what God is calling me to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with you on this beautiful Christmas Day.

Happy birthday, baby Jesus! I love You so much that I give You my whole heart and my entire vocation discernment. May God's will be done, not mine.

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying this beautiful day with your loved ones.

Oh, and happy anniversary to me! Today marks 12 years (whooooa!) since I started this blog. We're still just at the beginning of this adventure, y'all! Thank you so much for continuing to follow, support, and encourage me along the way. I pray for you all every time I do my nighttime prayers. :)

God bless you all!

Introducing: "La Petite Fleur Mariale"

Seeing (no pun intended) how I can't always write a lot due to my current eyesight problems, I decided to start a new way of sharing my Benedictine oblate journey: an Instagram account. Now, I've had one (an IG account) for years but I've always kept it private because, well, I'm a private person. Yes, I have a blog and I'm very open online... but, if you haven't noticed, I also don't share too much. My ninja status when it comes to my relationships tipped you off, didn't it? lol. However, I was inspired to start an account to document my journey more frequently as IG posts take literally a couple of minutes to get everything done.

I started the account (@lapetitefleurmariale) on the feast of all the saints in the Benedictine order, November 13. I didn't do it on purpose, either; it just felt like it was the right time to do it and then I realized what day it had been... almost two days later. lol. I actually had to go back and edit the caption to reflect the realization. A little slow over here, y'all. lol. Don't you just love when things work out that way? I see you, Holy Spirit!

If you're wondering about the name, I explained it on the first post... which I might actually delete. I'm not much of a selfie gal and that picture is a couple of years old anyway. In case I do delete the post, the name is a French translation of "the little Marian flower." Or, at least, I hope it is. My French is incredibly rudimentary. It was inspired by both the Blessed Virgin Mary and St. Therese who are both my co-patron saints this year and who have been my biggest heavenly allies through some of the more difficult times this year. During last year's 54-day Rosary novena, I asked to become more like our Blessed Mother. I still have a loooong way to go but I've already seen her loving intercession in my life. Also, St. Therese -- my heavenly big sister and kindred spirit -- has been instrumental in my spiritual growth this year. I couldn't have asked for a better duo to help me this year. I'm actually contemplating them keeping them my co-patronesses for next year again. Stay tuned for that. ;)

I'm still going to blog, of course, as I can't always get everything written in an IG post but I will be sharing my faith journey on there more often. I'm also going to probably be a little more candid in my blog posts than IG stories. I intend to use that account to share little moments of my day that are faith-related. Yes, it's a faith-based account and I plan to keep it that way. What exactly does that mean? Think saint quotes and little stories about my faith journey. I don't foresee myself using it to give updates like I do on Twitter. I also doubt I'll post many personal pictures that involve my face. I'm still a little uncomfortable sharing those types of pictures online to strangers. That's why I might eventually pull the first picture. We'll see.

Anyway, this is just a quick post in case anyone wants to follow the journey on Instagram. I won't be accepting DMs nor will I be following everyone back. That's not because I don't care about y'all -- I do! It's just a precaution to keep myself from being overwhelmed on IG.  That's why I have my personal account private and why I don't add just anyone. I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person), y'all; too much stimulation or information overload isn't good for me and actually affects my eyesight. Yes, there's been an obvious correlation there that we've noticed the day follow unusually high-stress days.

And now I'm off to spend the rest of my day relaxing with a podcast after yesterday's Twitter argument. Yeah, someone please talk me out of it before I get too stressed.

A Lenten Beginning: Sacrifices, Laments, and a Humble Plan

As I write this, I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, awaiting the EWTN app on my Roku to turn on so that Mom and I can watch the "live" (read: rebroadcast from earlier) Mass from Rome in a couple of minutes. Since Mom is much more comfortable with the Spanish language, we're going to watch it on the EWTN en Español feed. As you can guess by this action, we were unable to get to Mass today.

We knew that we weren't going to be able to go to the 7 a.m. or noon-time Masses because of the heavy rain predicted for those times but I had hope for the 7 p.m. Mass. Sadly, due to the rain (it apparently hasn't stopped raining all day) and the flooding in the streets, we're going to be stuck at our apartment until possibly Friday. Insert sad panda face here. Thankfully, we stocked up on food and other possible necessities in anticipation of the rain and street flooding so we'll be fine stuck inside for a couple of days.

I really, really wanted to get to confession and Mass today. I wanted those ashes on my forehead. I wanted to start Lent "right." I'm currently fighting back tears from the disappointment and the frustration of it all. I know it's silly but I cannot shake off the feeling that I'm not starting Lent the proper way. Or, at the very least, the way I wanted it to start. It's bad enough that I cannot fast nor abstain from meat. I feel like this penitential season is easier for me than everyone else and it makes me feel like I'm a terrible Catholic as a result. I'm constantly reminded of how my daily life is compromised of continuous sacrifices and penances but it still doesn't seem like enough.

My (once again) vitamin D-deficiency-induced chronic fatigue makes me sacrifice my social life and having a "normal" work life outside the home. It also requires me to swallow my pride and ask for help when I cannot do something myself; something hard for someone as independent and (once) active as I am. I also think that I end up sacrificing my want of a husband and family because these things aren't exactly guy magnets. On the contrary, they scare guys away.

I know my life isn't "easy" but I'm so used to it that I don't even consider it hard. This is because I have the luxury of being able to work from home and thus sleep as much as my body requires it. I have a roof over my head and we've been able to create a household budget to be able to afford the food that helps keep me fed and as healthy as possible. I've chosen to help my mother with the household expenses through whatever freelance writing work I can get. I help take care of her when she needs it but I don't have other responsibilities beyond that. I'm so very fortunate in many ways others aren't.

Sure, I can't go on vacation or buy any material things that I may want. If I want something, I have to work hard and save up for it for months if it requires money. Even then, I think long and hard about whether I truly need it instead of just wanting it. If I don't need it, I end up giving it up for something that is necessary. But I see this all as a part of being an adult; of putting needs ahead of wants.

I guess this is something I have to work on this Lenten season -- being okay with my limitations and letting go of all the things I want to do (or think I need to do).

Humility is my chosen word this Lent; my chosen virtue to work on to combat that wounded pride that my independent and egotistical nature struggles with when I have to admit "defeat"; to admit that I can't do what I want to and do what I can. Lord knows how much this proud gal needs to be humbled and I'm hoping God grants me the graces necessary to become and stay humble. I hope all of this will make me be more open to His plans and will for my life; that it will make me more worthy of an eternity in Heaven.

I feel like this plan -- to cultivate humility -- was set in motion when I did the 54-day Rosary novena late last year when I asked to become more like our Blessed Mother. In a providential twist, she and St. Therese -- another beautiful model of humility -- became my co-patronesses for the year; my models who have also been my constant companions over the last couple of months. I didn't know why both kept popping up in my life so much but now it's starting to make sense. So, that is what I'm going to do -- look at their lives, learn from them, and work on emulating them this season and beyond. There is also something else -- or, I should say, someone else through a specific devotion -- that I will focus on during Lent that will hopefully help with my focus but it deserve its own blog post so stay tuned for that.

Does anyone else have any particular goals they're working on during Lent?

Anyway, this is it for now. I have some Lenten reflections to get to before it gets any later in the day.

I hope you're all having a good start to the Lenten season.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Why September, God? And What About My Vocation?

September has been associated with my spiritual life since my reversion. Well, really, since my baptism.

I was baptized on September 1st, 1985 in my hometown of Los Angeles, CA when I was only 3 months old.

I officially reverted to the faith during the first week of autumn, September 2006, when I was 21.

I saw on the "On This Day" Facebook memories that I had written, "I hear you, God. Loud and clear" on this day 4 years ago.

This year, I've been going through a major spiritual awakening (if I can call it that) that heavily involves our Blessed Mother.

I dislike summer (oh, how I really dislike it) and I start counting down the days until the autumn season official begins starting in July-August. I used to think that it was because I loved school and fall semester was the start of the academic year. It was either that or perhaps because I disliked summer very much due to my terrible memories associated with it (past illnesses, my father's death, etc.). Now I'm thinking that perhaps there's something more.

As I said, this year it seems like my major growth will involve our Blessed Mother. This is something that, like my reversion, began in June but isn't really becoming clear until this month. It started with my consecration but it's been building up steadily over the past couple of weeks/months.

Earlier this week, I posted a tweet which somehow blew up (I've never had that many "likes" or "retweets" before) based on an experience I had.

I love the looks of horror on people's faces when I say all I want is to be a wife and mother someday; that I'd be more than content doing just that.

No, I'm not "aiming low" nor will I be "throwing my life away." But thank you for your concern.

— Melissa Cecilia (@MelissaCeciliaG) September 16, 2018

This is actually something I've been wanting to write about for a while but, for whatever reason, I never did until a couple of days ago.

Upon some very heavy (and prayerful) reflection, I realized just how much I desire to be a wife and mother. I mean, I've known this was what I've felt called to as my ultimate vocation but it didn't really settle into my heart until a few weeks ago. I want nothing more in this life than to get married, have a family, and completely dedicate myself to taking care of them; to doing what I can to ensure that they all make it to Heaven at the end of their lives.

However, I haven't been able to voice this without opposition... even within my own household. I get these comments about how I'll be throwing away my life; how I would be throwing away my entire education (and how my student loans will never pay themselves off) if I devoted myself to having and raising a family. I get told that having a career is more important; that if I don't have one and I get stuck with a deadbeat husband who will cheat on me and eventually divorce me, I'll have nothing to fall back on and support my own family. All of these things I've heard throughout my entire life -- ever since I was a little girl -- and they instilled a major fear in me that I haven't been able to shake off until recently.

This is where our Blessed Mother comes into my life. I've come to slowly lose that fear through my recent devotion to praying the Angelus; to the reflections I have when I meditate on her fiat. Without knowing what was ahead, she said, "Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it done to me according to thy word." (Luke 1:38, DRA) Even writing it now, I feel myself wanting to tear up because it's so beautiful. She said "yes" to God's will and His plans without fear... which is something I've sadly been unable to do in my own vocation discernment.

I see what a beautiful witness she is to the world. She was so humble and (to those who don't recognize what an important role she played in humanity's salvation) she did "nothing extraordinary." She was a wife and a mother, taking care of her household and of her family. It seems like such an ordinary life -- and, in that sense, it was -- but she did extraordinary things in her simplicity and humility. The more I think about it and about her life, the more I aspire to become more like her. Of course, I will never get anywhere close to being like her but I can by trying to be the best wife and mother I can be. 

Yes, there is the little hitch that I'm still woefully single. If I'm completely honest, I fought the idea of dating for as long as I could because of those fears so many women instilled in me -- that finding good, faithful men was impossible; that I should just resign myself to the idea that I would get hurt by them and thus make myself strong for the inevitable. What a horrible, jaded, and fearful view I had of the vocation of marriage. No wonder I was always reluctant to date.

Full disclosure: I actually didn't go on my first real date until a couple of weeks ago, for that same reason. Yes, I'm 33 but I didn't go on my first date because of that lifelong fear. It took a lot for me to work up the nerve to allow myself to date and to say "Yes" to God's will for my life. I'm done worrying about what could happen. I'm going to fully trust God to lead me to the right man and to not fear my vocation. (side note: there's still no fella in my life, despite the date, but the hope remains!)

All of this is happening in the month of September. Why September, God? And what about my vocation? I don't even know where to start with that... well, beyond preparing myself for when the time comes. Even then, there's only so much I can do on my own.

Please say a prayer for me, y'all. I feel like God (through our beautiful Mother) is helping me shed fears and awakening something in my heart that has been dormant for a long time. Besides a deep yearning for going to daily Mass and immersing myself in learning more about the vocation of wife and of motherhood (using Mama Mary and various saints as examples), I feel like God is doing some major work in my interior life that is just about to radically change my life.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing this with y'all. I have no "Written Wednesday" update for you this week because EpicPew still hasn't posted what I wrote last week and I don't know when the other two sites (CatholicChemistry and Verily Magazine) will post the articles I've written for them as well. I'll keep you updated. ;)

I hope you are all having a lovely week thus far! And, if you're observing Ember Days like I am, keep going! It's only 2 more days after this. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Crazy (But Perfect) Consecration Day Adventure

I've been wanting to write this post for several days now because my consecration day was pretty crazy yet perfect in its own way.

On June 9th, the memorial of the Immaculate Heart of Mary (to whom I have a special devotion), I consecrated myself to Mary... but the events that led up to it were something straight out of a movie.

First, I felt poorly so I was unable to go to the 8 a.m. Mass and 8:30 a.m. confession time at a nearby parish. We moved that to the 4 p.m. confession and 5 p.m. Mass but, of course, I started feeling really sick around 1:30 p.m. and it didn't let up by the time our 3:30 p.m. departure time came.

I was (as my British friends say) gutted! I had wanted to go to confession, Mass, and then do the consecration after Mass and I didn't think it was going to be possible... so I pulled a Hail Mary (almost literally).

I began praying the Memorare Emergency Novena (praying the Memorare 9 times back to back). I told our Blessed Mother, "You know how much I want to do this; how much I want to go to confession, Mass, and then do the consecration. Please let it happen if it's God's will."

Luckily for me, I began to feel better about an hour or two later... just in time for the monthly (low) Latin Mass at the same nearby parish. It was absolutely perfect for me. It was my preferred Mass, with one of my favorite priests.

When I saw that we would be able to make it, after all, I began to get ready ahead of time, just to avoid being late to confession since it's only half an hour before Mass begins. This is when the real adventure began.

Since I hadn't felt well enough earlier in the day (I took a test drive in the morning to be sure), I hadn't been able to get gas for my car... and the needle was dangerously close to that dreaded "empty" symbol. Of course, we left with enough time for me to drive to a gas station along the way... but we didn't think we'd hit a few snags.

First, we had no cash on us. At least, not enough for gas. I tried paying with a pre-paid credit card but it was declined at two different gas stations despite having enough (and then some) for gas. We were scrambling, trying to get to a gas station and still make it to confession on time.

I tried a gas station on the street we would take to Mass... and gasoline spilled all over my leg, feet, and ballet flats. It seemed that whoever had used the pump before I did had left some gasoline in it and, as soon as I took it, it spilled all over me. I reeked of gasoline, which made me nauseous. Still no gas... and now we had no additional time to get to the church.

I got into my car, worried about the gasoline smell which was really making me feel sick, and I told my mother, "I don't know if we're going to make it. Not without gas in the car... and not with me feeling as poorly as I'm beginning to feel." Still, there was something in me that told me not to give up.

"Let's see if we, at least, can't get to the parish. I can always call AAA to bring me gasoline if we get stuck somewhere," I said. I started asking Mama Mary and my Guardian Angel to help us -- all the while I was getting very lightheaded from the gasoline.

I kid you not, about a block from the gas station, the smell of gasoline automatically disappeared. I even pulled over just to make sure it wasn't just me going nuts. lol. Nothing smelled, my shoes were somehow completely dry (as was my leg and skirt), and it was as if I'd never had that incident. Interesting.

We somehow managed to get to the parish without any problems despite the needle practically yelling, "You're running on empty, child!"

I was just happy to have gotten there... and on time! We were first in line for the confessional but there were two people who'd arrived before we did so I let them go first. It's only fair, and we were still able to make it into the confessional before Mass began. Score!

A few minutes before Mass began, I started feeling sick again. "Oh no," I said to myself. "It's probably the heat." I stepped outside and drank a bit of Gatorade in case it was a blood sugar issue. I had enough time before I was set to receive the Eucharist so I knew I could. I had also anticipated the possibility of little to no air conditioning in the parish so I took one of those hand fans and used it during Mass.

I felt so dizzy and lightheaded and, well, shaky, on the walk down the aisle to the kneelers to receive the Eucharist. I was so worried that I was going to faint waiting in line but, luckily, nothing happened. I received the Eucharist (I might've also cried, lol) and thanked God for the blessing of being able to attend confession and Mass despite the obstacles. Not only that, I was so happy I was able to attend a Latin Mass.

After Mass ended, I sat in the back and did my consecration. I was on cloud 9... and I'd totally forgotten about the lack of gasoline in my car. lol. Somehow, we were able to make it to the grocery store we frequent (for food and for cash) and then I was able to get some much-needed gasoline. I don't know how other than Mama Mary and my Guardian Angel looking out for us. It was dark by this time, too, which I'm not too keen with. I don't like driving at night because people tend to drive more erratically out here between the hours of about 6 p.m. to 6 a.m.

Looking back at it, it was the perfect day. Beyond the Mass and everything (which was the cherry on top of a great day), I stopped trying to rely on what I could do to make sure I could get myself to Mass and asked Mama Mary for help. I began to use that complete trust in her that I'd been cultivating over the past 33 days. Basically, I put my money where my mouth was. Did I truly trust Mama Mary to come through for me when I most needed her? I had to show it... and I did.

It's been a little over a week since my consecration and I've already begun noticing some changes in me. I had been told that there would be but I never anticipated it being as noticeable as it's been. I'm so grateful for the changes I've already made... and the shortcomings I've become all too aware of.

There is a lot I need to work on. I've already taken the steps to make sure I can reverse some of the terrible habits. I still slip up, of course, but it's a new beginning and I look forward to seeing what else Mama Mary has in store for me; to see how she will help me grow in my relationship with her son.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have so much I want to share -- I've had an interesting last couple of days -- but I also have a lot of things to do offline so I should get to them. I'll try to blog as much as I can this week, especially since I'm on a social media fast until Sunday. :)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Feast of the Betrothal and My Vocation

Happy feast of St. Francis de Sales, patron saint of writers (and my career patron!), everyone! I had originally planned to have this post up yesterday since it was the feast of the betrothal (espousals) of the Blessed Virgin Mary and St. Joseph but I've had a rough couple of days so I'm posting it a day late. Better late than never, right?

You didn't know this feast existed? Well, it does! Because I tend to lean "trad," I've heard of (and seen) betrothal ceremonies amongst other young Millennial Catholics. It's a beautiful ceremony and it's on my list of things I want to do if I ever get engaged to be married. 

I've actually been thinking a lot about my vocation discernment lately. I know, I know... I'm usually quiet about this part of my life but I'll let you guys in on what's going on with me. Long story short: I'm not quite sure where I'm going in this area of my life. I've gotten to a point where I'm in need of spiritual direction (and will be receiving some in the days to come; I've already made plans with a priest I highly respect) because I feel a little lost. 

Yes, I self-imposed a dating break last summer and it was honestly the best decision because I had too much going on. Between school stress and what I had to figure out (small-v) vocation-wise, I just didn't think it was a good idea to add a fella to the mix. There was someone during that time but I took it to prayer and it became clear that it wasn't the time... nor the fella... for me and I felt at peace with that. 

I keep telling my friends that I'm pretty much resigning myself to staying single. I do want to move forward and I'm open to whatever God's will is for me... but that little voice of doubt comes up now and then and asks the same question over and over again. I'm almost 33, aren't I too old to find a good guy?

When I remembered that the feast of the betrothal was coming up, I did a novena to St. Anne. I purposely started it 9 days before the feast day. No, it wasn't, "St. Anne, St. Anne, bring me a man!" It was more "St. Anne, please help me figure out what my vocation is." If you're wondering if that means that I'm open to the possibility that I may not be called to marriage, after all, the answer is, "Yes!"

While I was doing the novena, I kept reminding myself that any vocation that God has in store for me is the perfect fit for me because it will be part of His will for me. I may very much desire to get married and have children (my heart does long for that family) but I am open to that possibly not being what will end of being my vocation. I stated as much those 9 days I prayed the novena. "May God send me the man that He has in store for me... if that is my vocation. If it isn't, may I figure out what my true vocation is."

I already know I'm not meant for a religious vocation. I discerned (and re-discerned) that in my early 20s and again in my late 20s. What I am open to are the other two options: marriage and consecrated virginity. Gasp! I know. lol. I have a great godson so I will get a taste of motherhood, albeit spiritual, if I'm not called to get married and have children of my own. Again, I greatly desire it but if it's not in His plans for me, I've resigned myself to that possibility. I'm taking my abandonment to His Divine Providence seriously, y'all.

I've been joking that Catholic Match has been stalking me on Twitter the past two days (because they have! Good grief, y'all!) but I'm not taking that as a "sign." I'm not rushing this. I've never rushed this. I've always taken any potential fellas (and there have been a couple over the years... even though I never say anything) to prayer. I've entrusted my heart to the Immaculate Heart of Mary when it comes to my vocation because I've seen people make mistakes. I've seen people get married because they felt alone and hated it... and then they regretted it. I don't want that for me. Sure, I'm getting older (I'll be 33 in May) and people like to remind me that "the window for children is closing" but don't see that as a reason to rush. 

That's where I am right now. I'm not afraid of what He may call me to do. I know some single women in their late 20s through late 30s live in fear of never marrying but I don't. I don't know if it's because I've always been an independent lady or because I've resigned myself to God's will. I know that, while there may be a disappointment if I'm not called to the vocation of marriage and family, I will find greater consolation in doing His will. I'd rather give up something I truly wanted if it's for my greater good than to go against His will. 

Sorry if this post sounds like a downer but this is the reality, folks. I may not get what I want but God will make sure that I get what I need and that's all I can truly hope for. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. I've had a headache for nearly 24 hours now and I want to rest as much as I can. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

The Breakdown That Led to a Breakthrough

This is the first of a (planned) three-part series that I hope to post over the course of the next week.

September 28, 2017. That's the day I had my first school-related breakdown this semester. Say it with me, "Well, that was fast!" It took exactly one month before I felt so stressed and overwhelmed that I broke down in tears. I cried because I hated how I felt: yes, stressed and overwhelmed, but also forced and trapped to finish the academic program I'm currently in. I tried not to question things -- to not dwell on the feelings -- but it was hard. I placed my forehead on my laptop (on my desk) and I cried.

Almost immediately, Our Blessed Mother popped into my mind. I imagined that she was there, being there for me during that emotionally draining time. I somehow started imagining Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (my chosen patron for this degree) kneeling down next to me, on my right, with an expression on his face that was trying to comfort me; as if he was telling me that everything was going to be alright. Then I thought about my Guardian Angel, also beside me, bringing comfort.

Somehow, the images of Mama Mary, Bl. PGF, and my Guardian Angel (thank you, healthy imagination God has blessed me with) gave me the strength and courage to push through the rest of the lecture videos -- 2+ hours worth of videos -- that I was trying to finish when the breakdown happened. I no longer felt overwhelmed. Instead, I felt a peace and consolation I could've even imagine when the tears began. Furthermore, I felt (deep down) that this was truly the path God wanted me to take. I let that peace and consolation wash over me as I kept repeating, "This is what God wants me to do. I can do this."

A quote by St. John Bosco popped up one of my social media feeds during this time, "When tempted, invoke your Angel. He is more eager to help you than you are to be helped! Ignore the devil don't be afraid of him; he trembles and flees at the sight of your Guardian Angel." With the feast of the Archangels coming up the following day, I felt like God was telling me what to do in situations like that -- feeling overwhelmed and stuck doing something I didn't want to do even if I knew it needed to be done.

That breakdown was what led to the breakthrough that has led me on my current path. As I said in the beginning of this post, this is the first part of a three-part series so all I'm going to focus on in this post is the fact that it took me breaking down to realize that I was probably doing the right thing... and gave me the courage to push forward.

I've somehow managed to gain the motivation to do well and work through all the academic obstacles that have come my way. As I shared in a previous post, schoolwork had always been easy for me... to the point where my pride and vanity were greatly affected by it. Having to repeat a class for a third time, not having things come as easily for me, dealing with random health issues (stomach problems, fatigue, physical pain, etc) while trying to study and/or do exams -- all of these things were beating me down in the first month of the semester.

I wasn't doing well on my exams because of the intense mental fog I've experienced on and off (mostly on, on a daily basis) wasn't helping. I would study for hours on end and yet I couldn't remember what I was studying. My highest grade in an exam (in my classes) has been a 78% up until now. It's hard. It discourages me.

I was studying for two back-to-back exams when I had my breakdown so I understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling... yet God reminded me that this is part of His plans for me (or so I'm interpreting it this way after receiving signs over this summer). I remind myself that God will give me the fortitude and graces to continue because I am doing His will. If He wants me to do something else, I know He will make it known to me. For now, I have to keep reapplying the war paint and keep moving forward, even when I feel like I did on September 28. Thankfully, now I know that I have some amazing Heavenly allies who will intercede for me during my darkest moments.

Anyway, that's it for now. I hope to have parts 2 and 3 posted between Monday and Friday of next week. I have to figure out when I can write and post (or possibly schedule) them. I will give two hints: St. Therese for part 2 and social media for part 3. :)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and are currently enjoying your weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Lent of St. Michael Begins Tomorrow

© Pedro A. Guerrero (aka my big brother).

Has anyone heard of the Lent of St. Michael which begins tomorrow (on the Assumption) and ends of the feast of St. Michael Archangel? I hadn't until today when a long-time online friend (who inspires major mama and vocation goals) said she was going to partake in it. As I am a very curious person, I asked her what it was about and she sent me this link.

For the tl;dr crowd: the gist is that this devotion was started by St. Francis of Assisi since he had a special devotion to both Our Lady and St. Michael Archangel. Since there are 40 days (excluding Sundays) between the feast of the Assumption and Sr. Michael's feast, it became like a second Lent. Just like the regular Lenten time, you pray and fast, only this time you do it in honor of Our Lady and St. Michael. During this time you "... are made mindful of the facts of our own resurrection on the Last Day and also of our subsequent Judgment" since St. Michael will be the one who will awaken the dead on the Last Day (Judgment Day).

As I am personally going through some confusing times and am trying to get my spiritual life back on track, I think this will be good for me. I don't know what I'm going to "fast" from quite yet but I still have a couple of hours to think about it. With the state of this country (and, really, the world in general) perhaps some of you will also be interested in partaking in this.

Anyway, just a heads up for y'all. Please let me know if you're going to do it as well. It wouldn't hurt, especially if you feel as if you need a "second chance" like I do.

I have less than two weeks to finish my novel and I still have to flesh it out a bit so... back to work!

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!  :D

Holding Mama Mary's Hand

If you're following me on social media then you might've already seen me asking for prayers over the weekend. I had a lovely week -- made lovelier by good news from the doctor -- but things started to fall apart on Saturday. For once, I'm keeping the exact details to myself; only a few close friends know the full extent of what's going. Let's just say that it's a mix of a new health (heart related) worry for me, seeing things happening to Mom that are beyond her control and completely unjust, and a number of other things that created the perfect storm of intense anxiety.

I literally could not sit still for more than 4 seconds most of Saturday evening and night. I would sit down and immediately bolt up and pace the length of my apartment. That's how intense the anxiety was. You'd think that I'd eventually calm down enough to sleep it off, right? Big fat "nope." Our new next-door neighbors decided to throw a party on Saturday night that lasted until the wee hours on Sunday morning. After they calmed down, I was still so wound up that I just couldn't fall asleep. Having to get up at 4 a.m. that morning was a massive pain after sleeping very little. While my anxiety got a bit better during the day, I still couldn't fall asleep last night and, again, slept very little.

I've tried taking naps yesterday and today but it hasn't gone smoothly. During the first hour or two of the attempted naps, I've kept waking up (and sitting up) suddenly just as I was drifting off to sleep. I knew I had things to do both yesterday and today but I simply couldn't stay sleep, no matter how exhausted I've felt. Finally, I remembered the words that one of my best friends said to me when I told him what was going on and what my fears were: "Clutch our Mother's hand." I got the idea of holding Rosary beads in my hand as I tried to rest and both times that I've done it I've been able to drift to sleep and rest for at least an hour.

Has anyone been in a similar situation in which their minds and/or their hearts were troubled with something and nothing was helping ease the worry? I pray the Rosary on a daily basis but I sometimes don't feel at peace as quickly as I'd like. I'm not sure if holding the Rosary beads helps me drift off to sleep because, psychologically, it's a sort of security blanket during times of trials or if it's because Mama Mary is there with me, helping ease my anxiety. I'd like to think it's the latter. All I know is that imagining that Mama Mary is, in a way, holding my hand while I feel helpless and alone (when I'm physically alone) is very soothing. I've often wrapped Rosary beads around my hand when I've had horrific anxiety attacks but this is the first time I've held them to help me fall asleep.

By the way, please don't say "don't worry!" or "trust in the Lord" because, as well-meaning as they may be, I really don't want to hear those words. It makes me feel like a complete failure when my anxiety gets so bad that I can't stop worrying. I do try but sometimes it gets overwhelming. I ask God for help and I do trust Him but sometimes the mind is weak, especially when it's sleep deprived and can't think rationally.

Anyway, this was a quick blog post to share this in hopes that this may help someone else in a similar situation. If you can't pray the entire Rosary or even a decade, I highly recommend holding a strand of Rosary beads and praying any way you can. Even if it's as simple as "Lord, have mercy on me" or "Blessed Mother, pray for me" -- prayers don't have to be fancy as long as they come from the heart.

I should go eat something... and study. I really hope my anxiety (and the issue that is causing my anxiety) get better soon because I have two exams coming up next week and I really need to concentrate. Ain't nobody got time for your shenanigans, anxiety!

To those who've prayed and continue praying for me: thank you! I know that it's due to all your prayers that I haven't had a full-blown panic attack because this situation is intense and I would've already had a major attack by now.

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and that you have a great week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dear Mama Mary...

Please do not use without permission.

Dear Mama Mary,

Happy birthday! I thank God for giving you to us... and for your "yes" that blessed the whole world. Your "yes" -- which I meditate on every Monday and Saturday during the first Joyful Mystery -- has helped me learn how to say "yes" to many things, including learning how to better trust God.

Just as you said "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be [done] to me according to your word," I have been trying to do the same with my life. Instead of worrying about having some control over my future -- whether it be finances, career, vocation, etc -- I've learned to say "Lord, I am your child; I will do whatever you need me to do." This has been a hard lesson for me. The fear of unknown has been the greatest source of anxiety for me over the years... but I just have to remember that your faith and trust in Him gave us the greatest gift and I regain that confidence.

This summer you've held my hand through everything I've been through. From a month of hospital trips and doctor's appointments to recent intentions (which you know of), I have always felt your tenderness calming my nerves. I've grown to have a deep love for your Immaculate Heart, a devotion I had never felt particularly drawn to but one I now cannot do without. I cannot go through my day without wearing my Miraculous Medal (which I had wanted for several years but only recently got a temporary one). You've helped me draw my thoughts back to Christ and His infinite love and mercy.

Lately you've done something I would've never anticipated: you opened my heart as well as my eyes. You've helped me see my past errors that had held me back in terms of my vocation discernment. I was blinded for so long but a recent revelation (which I am attributing to the novena I did in honor of your birth) helped me see that I needed to let go of certain ideas. Furthermore, you helped me dodge a bullet before anything came out of it (which is why I started the novena in the first place; for clarity on the situation). I have a better understanding of myself and what's truly in my heart and for that I thank you. I'm sure the loneliness I felt earlier this summer will be easier to bear while I wait.

I've never felt closer to you than I have this summer. I am grateful for everything I endured because it helped me get to where I am. I look forward to consecrating myself to you later this year, my first time doing do. It's long overdue but it's better than I arrived a little late than never.

Thank you, Mama Mary, for everything you've done for me, my family, my friends, and, really, the entire world.

With a heart full of love,
your daughter,

Memorare: When Life Doesn't Make Sense

"Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary..."

I have no idea how I managed to survive the weirdest 24 hours (from the 19th through the 20th) of my life while on a roller coaster of emotions. A professor accused me of willful, deliberate plagiarism on an annotated bibliography and was quite rude about it (he has since apologized for his words; it was all one big, ugly misunderstanding). I studied my brains out (figuratively, of course) over the course of days for an exam that I was certain I would pass with flying colors... only to find out that the professor (same one who accused me of plagiarism) gave me a 72%. I have no way of figuring out why (he closes off his exams) so I'm stuck. But, it's all okay. I'll figure things out.

"... that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided..."

I got rid of my old desk (which I'd had for 20+ years). It was the same desk on which my first PC sat. The same desk on which many tears fell during my teen years due to bullying. It's where I sat when I got those emails from a former classmate telling me to kill myself; telling me I was worthless. It's where I started this blog... where the first draft of my first novel was written... It was where I sat when I did my research when I first reverted back to the Faith. Most importantly, it was the desk that I assembled with my father when I was a child... and that I disassembled (by myself) as an adult. In a weird way, it felt as if I was letting go of the past and all that held me back; that it was the final sentence written on that chapter of my life. I feel as if our Heavenly Mother has been (and will continue to be) by my side as I prepare for the new chapter.

"... Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother..."

My godson, Neil, was born. Alli (his mama) is a rock star. However, I worried about the labor as it took quite a long time. I slept with the phone next to me... took it everywhere I went (and I'm so not a phone person)... and checked in with Dustin (the dada, lol) throughout the day. I sent the Memorare prayer to Dustin during the labor so that he and Alli could pray it together while we all waited for little Neil to be born. It's the least I could do (besides pray) from across the country.

"... to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful..."

I realized something (okay, a couple of things) that I didn't like about myself and some things I do. I get discouraged easily... but only briefly before I find a positive spin that motivates me. I worry... but I've been learning to trust God more so the worry hasn't lasted very long recently. The negatives are bad habits I picked up (from observation) as a child but that I've been working on breaking as an adult (I'm getting there!)

"... O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions but in thy mercy hear and answer me..."

At the end of the 24 hours (and I have omitted some more personal things), I'm surprised that I survived without a panic attack or more tears being shed. Besides the Memorare prayer, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13) kept running through my mind. Even though I was bombarded with obstacles, none of it seemed important in the "my life is over" sense. If I don't pass my courses with my, ahem, lovely professor, fine. I'll retake them. If I have to stick around for an extra semester, I'll do it... though I'm really hoping I can pull off at least B-'s in my courses this semester. If my grades stink too much for grad school (for this particular subject), I'll stay at the SLPA level. That was my initial goal anyway; work as an SLPA for a while and then go for my Theology MA. I'll be able to do exactly what I want to do (help carry out the treatment plans for the children with speech disorder) with the SLPA license.

I don't know what my future holds... but I'm okay with that. I don't think I'd want to know anyway. Though life (read: school.. and some other things) is difficult at the moment, I wouldn't trade it for an uncomplicated one. God is preparing me for whatever He has in store for me so I have to tough it out for a while. I believe these trials are there for a reason I do not know or understand but I trust Him completely. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..." It was one heck of a 24 hour period but I'll be okay. I know that God and Mama Mary have my back and that's more than enough for me.

"Amen."

2013: The Year this Nerd Persevered

I believe this year was the year I persevered. I know we all had a hard year; I've seen so many people celebrating the fact that the secular year is over with because of how exhausting 2013 was. However, despite the challenges, I think I made some really good steps to bettering my future. If last year was the year that I faced my fears and moved on, this was the year that I actually made things happen (as opposed to just hoping I would get the guts to change things) no matter how frightening the changes were.

To change from a career I'd always wanted (writing) to one that I had never even considered took a lot of faith as well as guts. I had some intense months of prayer and spiritual direction in order to get to this place. I was so reluctant to let go of writing (because it was what I wanted) but, being practical, I knew the instability of the career was not good for me. The Holy Spirit used two important people in my life to simultaneously lead me down the Speech-Language Pathology path and, after my SD told me what I needed to hear, I bit the bullet. I applied to only one school (which is the best from what I've heard from former students), was accepted, and now I'm waiting to begin my classes this coming May.

As I am not one to give up on my dreams so easily, I am still writing and have worked on two novels (both of which will be published next year) this year. I have a couple more in mind, which is exciting. How I will do it with SLP (especially since I have to get some hours in in order to start working as an assistant upon graduation), I am not sure... but it's a challenge I am very much looking forward to?

I think the best thing that could've happened to me this year was finally find the right spiritual director for me. Fr. G is a Godsend. I needed someone who pushed me out of my comfort zone and helped (and is still helping) me get out of the spiritual dryness I'd been feeling on and off for a couple of months. He's helped me out so much that I can already see the difference within me... and it's so wonderful. My wish is that everyone finds someone like him (someone who will inspire you to be your best and to get closer to God) for themselves.

One last (big) thing: Y'all know I started the year really sick. I got so sick (and so thin) that I received the Anointing of the Sick in May. It got quite scary for a while but I never let go of my faith nor of God and He saw me through. I'm still in recovery but I am in a better place than I was before. I think that that pretty much sums my year.

I was thrown so many obstacles this year (change of career, health issues, figuring out my vocation, financial, etc.) but I never let go of God. He was truly my rock this year. He's always been my rock but I can't begin to express how grateful I am to Him for His constant presence in my life. Looking back, I can't remember the last time I truly felt that He gave me the tools I needed to overcome everything that could've potentially (figuratively) drowned me. Though there were a few weeks when I didn't feel close to Him, I know He never left my side.

I've said this all year but I truly feel like God used this year to show me that I am ready for whatever new chapter 2014 will bring me. I got the courage to face a lot of things that I was afraid of. I've had so many people tell me that I couldn't do things over the years that I was afraid to try them. This year, that all changed... and I am so glad that I was able to show myself that I could do them. With every little thing that I conquered, my confidence grew as did my love for God, Mama Mary (wow, what a year for my relationship with her; I love her more than words can express), and for my heavenly buddies who helped me get to where I am.

Yes, 2013 was incredibly difficult but I was blessed in so many ways that the good greatly outweighed the bad. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me in 2014. I can already feel like it's going to be a big year for me... and not just because I'll be entering the last year of my 20s halfway through the year.

Anyway, that was my year. I want to thank y'all for sharing it with me. Thank you for your prayer, your support, and the love y'all have shown me. Yes, I'm getting a bit sappy but y'all know I'm like that. lol.

I hope you all have a wonderful 2014. I can't wait to see what new adventures God has in store for us. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 5

Since I didn't get a chance to do a What I Learned Wednesday Post (though I did prepare; not enough time to write it), you're getting a 7 Quick Takes posts this week.

-- 1 --

As soon as I realized that I had less than a year to catch up on my reading (I have a feeling I won't be doing much non-school related reading in grad school), I started trying to play catch up. I finished North & South by Elizabeth Gaskell this week but I cannot finish Saints in Love by Carole Hallundbaek (which I can't find a link to? Is it out of print?). This was actually the topic of my WILW post this week. I'm going to post it next week because I need to sort of review it and I did learn a lot from it. There are just some things I find unnecessary. I read part of it to my friend Delaney when she came to stay with me for a couple of days earlier this month and she agreed that it was just awkward and there was absolutely no need for it. Let's see if some of you agree next week.

-- 2 -- 

I cannot believe the amount of feedback I received from my The Fear of Not Being Holy; Having a Secular Job post. I not only received a surprising amount of hits from various sources but I received the most comments outside of Blogger (mostly private Twitter messages) ever. It seems that there are several of us 20-somethings that are in the same boat with the similar thoughts and feelings. While I cannot say I'm an expert on the subject and thus cannot give advice, I am always here to hear y'all out. And, for the record, I have reached a decision but I'm going to talk to my spiritual director next week before I go forward.

-- 3 --

You know the freaky saint and good vs evil dreams I usually have (go ahead and search "dreams" on this blog)? I had one a couple of days ago that involved Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, the Evil One, the Blessed Virgin Mary, a ton of holy water, something burning, and the singing of "Ave Maria." Without going into detail, let's just say that the Evil One was laughing and happy about something and then Mama Mary came and got rid of him. At the end I was holding a candle and singing "Ave Maria." It was kind of trippy and I woke up a little freaked out.

-- 4 -- 

Something I re-learned about myself this week: man, I've always been a crier... and that will never go away. lol. I know that some people view tears as a sign of weakness but I don't. It just reminds me that I care about people in general. That simple. At first I was a puddle due to stress and then I was a puddle because seeing people suffer (or seeing them cry out of sheer joy) makes me cry. I don't even know these people but my heart goes out to them.

-- 5 -- 

I hate how horrible MSM is. I'm glad I took that intro to Journalism class my freshman year of college so I could be better prepared and not to be completely uncharitable. Still, I was so irked by the spinning they did yesterday that I tweeted this in frustration.

Days like today make me want to get my MA in Theology and bop little shoddy-foo foo reporters on the head.
— Emmy Cecilia (@nerdwriter) September 20, 2013

I think that says it all.

-- 6 -- 

The St. Therese of Lisieux novena begins on Sunday. I am grateful for the roses she sent me (blue; yes, I picked a random color) recently because it helped me with my decision about grad school. She's been my buddy for years now and I am so grateful for all her help. I don't have a specific intention for myself so if you have something you'd like me to pray for, let me know!

-- 7 -- 

Watch this video. This is a great reminder of why it's best to get to know someone before you write them off due to their appearances... or vice versa.

And that's it for this round. ;)

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D 

 

Therapy, A Diagnosis, and My Superpower

I just returned home from my third therapy session. I'm open about this because a lot of people land on my blog searching for St. Dymphna and/or anxiety disorder. Y'all know I'm open (to an extent) about this because there seems to be a stigma attached to going to therapy and dealing with mental disorders. Yes, I said the dread "m d" words. If you've know me long enough (especially in person) you know that I don't exactly give me "sick!" vibe off because everything that happens to me is internally. In fact, I've been told that you'd never guess I deal with anxiety if I didn't mention it. That's a compliment of sorts but I'm still open so you have a face to put to the disorder.

Anyway, today I was told that they seem to officially think that I have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) which is a pretty serious anxiety disorder. However, now that I have a diagnosis (instead of the generic "generalized anxiety disorder"), I can start working on getting through the past experiences that have caused this and work on doing things out of my comfort zone (within reason) to get rid of certain fears that are elevated by the PTSD. You know that heinous teacher I had in high school that used to love to humiliate me in class or that jerkface guy who tried to force himself on me, months within each other? Both big factors in my PTSD.

If you're new to the blog and don't know the stories behind those incidents (I wrote about them but only found that one link), I had a History teacher when I was 14-15 who used to humiliate me in front of my peers... and used to fail my papers on the spot, without reading them. And the guy? Big jock who was well liked by everyone tried to force himself on me when we were alone. Nothing happened because I pushed him away (I may look small but I'm physically stronger than you might guess) and was able to get away. Nothing was done to them for what they did either. Of course. I mean, this is the school that did nothing when I told them (and presented physical evidence) when I was being sent death threats. All of this has played a role in my being afraid of certain situations and has thus caused anxiety. Now you guys know part of where that comes from. There are other things but this is what we're focused on now. I wasn't kidding when I've said I've endured some pretty harsh things but I'm still in one piece thanks to God. Now the trick is to do what I can to completely bury those situations in the past and to work on preparing myself for situations in which I feel threatened so I don't have panic attacks. Easier said than done but my therapist has confidence in me to be able to strengthen myself (mentally).

Even though I've only seen her three times and has known me for so little, she paid me the best compliment -- she said that I have a superpower and that superpower is my unfailing faith in God. The words "I wouldn't normally say this to a client but..." when she said it to me. How many therapists that aren't self described as Catholic would say that to their clients? Not even my two Catholic therapists that I had before said that. (side note: By the way totally crediting Our Blessed Mother's intercession for this because I've been praying about my anxiety in the current novena and I had my first therapy session with my current therapist on the penultimate day of the "petitions" part of the 54 day Rosary Novena. I'm sure St. Dymphna had a hand in that as well as I did a novena to her earlier last month as well.) So my superpower is my faith. What's yours? lol. jk. ;)

Our plan of attack (on the anxiety) is to use my faith in God. She (therapist) thinks I'm strong enough to try it without medication so, as Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati would say, "verso l'alto." She's going to help me prepare the tools I need to (God willing) overcome my anxiety... using my love of God and my trust in Him. Dear God, thank you so much for putting this woman into my life because she gets me and she gets where I draw my strength from. She's the second person to say that to me in less than 24 hours too. As she said (from observations and conversations), the world can come crumbling in around me but the one thing I won't lose is my faith in Him. My father's death? I clung onto the Cross. Illnesses? I accept and offer up the suffering that comes with it. Life throws me insane curve balls sometimes (exhibit A: past six months of stomach problems without a clue as to what causes them) but it only makes my faith stronger.

I have no idea what my therapist has planned to help me out but I'm pretty darn excited to find out. I feel like this is the long awaited answer to my prayers. I have a diagnosis, we're starting to figure out a plan of attack, and I'm going to apply the waterproof war paint because its on. She was the second of three people -- in less than 24 hours -- to tell me that I'm a lot stronger than I think I am (first being my adopted bro, Brandon). God, I got the message loud and clear. Thank you. I can do this. I will to do this. Let's use my stubbornness for good, shall we? lol.

So, there you have it. First step on the road to recovery. I will hopefully know my Upper GI results next Thursday and then work on getting physically stronger as well. By the way, that went well on Wednesday despite the horrible fast they had me on. I became a little sick yesterday from the barium they had me take (sometimes my system takes 24-48 hours to feel the effects of things) but that only lasted an hour or so. Today I'm still trying to get my stomach back on the 2-3 hours eating schedule my doctor has me on but it's manageable  :) I'm starting off Lent with a bang. I'm dealing with things that stress me out head on... but it's something I grateful for during this time.

Anyway, just wanted to share that. If it helps someone else with anxiety, I am willing to be open about my experiences. :)

I hope you all have a great weekend. If you have any prayer requests, send them my way. Seriously, I didn't have enough of them to offer up on Wednesday when I felt sick from the fast (borderline hypoglycemics FTW, lol). Even if they are general intentions without details, send 'em my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Happy New Year!; Mass and a New Patron Saint

Happy New Year, y'all! I hope every single one of you has an amazing, blessed year. :D

I don't know how y'all celebrated the start of the new year (in the Gregorian calendar) but mine was fun/funny. Since mom had to go to work (and I had to get up at 4 in the morning to take her to work), we didn't plan anything. Instead, I spent the last two hours of 2012 chatting with one of my closest friends on Google Hangout. At midnight we toasted with tea and then watched my mom go nuts with bell ringing. lol. It was a lot funnier than it sounds and we spent the first half hour of the year laughing. :D

For the first time ever, I made it to Mass for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. You read that right -- first time ever. Every year since my reversion, I'd either been sick or I didn't have a ride to Mass (and the weather was too horrid to walk to the nearest parish). And, okay, I didn't make it through the entire Mass (anxiety has not been kind to me today and I blame my stomach for that) but I stuck it out for as long as it could. The fact that I went to a Spanish Mass by myself was big for me. I usually don't like doing things outside my comfort level by myself (again, stems back to bad memories that trigger anxiety) so I'm pretty proud of myself for trying. I would have made it through the entire thing if my stomach hadn't decided to start giving me the "pay attention to me now or face your doom" symptoms I get sometimes. I tried to ignore them, which only aggravated the anxiety and, well, you can guess the rest. I cried as I left but I was so happy for the first half hour-ish that I was there. I made it through the homily (which was fantastic; kudos to Fr. Quintero for focusing on the importance of mothers, the Mother of God, and how wonderful God is for giving us all His mother and our own earthly mothers) which is a small victory in my book. This was also my first time attending Mass since before Advent, which tells you how bad my stomach has been lately. Still, like I said, small victory and a baby step to once again attending Mass as often as possible. :D

Oh, and if you've noticed, the winner of the patron saint poll was Mary, Undoer of Knots. I thought it was appropriate, considering that it is her day. :D I was first introduced to her by Clare (who is one of my personal heroes; this gal is fantastic) of Come Further Up but school and other things came up so nada. I have been wanting to learn more about her (as well as pray her unfailing novena) for quite some time and now I have a good excuse to. :)

For those of you who don't know about Mary, Undoer of Knots, here's a good description I found at the blog Praying for Grace: "The title is inspired by Saint Irenaeus (Bishop of Lyon and martyred in 202), who made a comparison between Eve and Mary, saying: "Eve, by her disobedience, tied the knot of disgrace for the human race; whereas Mary, by her obedience, undid it." From the meditation, an unknown artist painted a much-venerated painting which hangs in St. Peter church in Perlach, Germany. The knots that Mary undoes are all of the problems that we take to her -- worries for our children, trials in our marriages, our struggles with the world. It is a beautiful visual to imagine Our Holy Mother untying the knots in which we become tangled in our daily lives." I'm going to start a novena today (and do it once a month) so if you have any requests, let me know!

Anyway, I want to relax for the rest of the day (to see if the anxiety goes down a bit) so that is it for now. I hope y'all had a great time ringing in the new year and that this year is so much better than the last. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D