Thank You for the Anger, God!

I'll be the first to admit that I have a temper once I'm pushed beyond my limits. I think we all have that limit where we endure all we can before we're pushed beyond our limit and become prone to feeling anger over whatever it is that provokes the emotion. However, I sometimes feel like when I get angry, I get really angry. Like, "ooh, child, you best watch yourself and walk away" angry. It doesn't happen often but, when it does, it can surprise even some of my oldest friends.

I feel things very deeply. The good, the bad... homegirl is sensitive to it all. lol. Hi, I'm an HSP and an INFP; it's ingrained in me. I know many of my friends were surprised to see me being so steady and not breaking down after my father died but that was because I internalized everything when people were around. I broke down when no one was watching. I tend to do that. I might've presented a strong front, especially when my mother completely broke down at the funeral, but that was because I was being outwardly strong for others. Inwardly? I was a wreck. I then became numb to all feeling for about a year because it was my way of keeping myself from breaking down completely and having others worry about me.

If I see someone hurting, my heart breaks. I will immediately tear up and this instinct to do whatever I can to help alleviate their suffering kicks in. It can be a mother asking for money outside of groceries stores. It can be seeing the destruction following a natural disaster. What hurts me most is when people lose what's most important to them -- their loved ones, their homes, their livelihood.

On the flip side, if I see someone happy, I burst with happiness for them. I cry at weddings with the biggest smile on my face. When one of my friends expresses their joy over something, I feel it too. Engagements, marriages, babies, job promotions, accomplishments, if you are happy, my heart is full and it feels as if these things were happening to me.

I've always had people trying to stop me from (by making me feel ashamed of) being emotionally expressive. Up to a point, I can see why. Some people do try to take advantage of those who feel strongly by means of emotional manipulation. I've been a victim of this more times than I care to admit. I am getting better at distinguishing when someone is using emotional manipulation. Of course, when I realize this, I become angry because it's a terrible thing to do. I don't understand why people do it.

And that brings us to the emotion of anger and the topic of this post. I feel this emotion deeply as well. Injustice makes me angry. Lies and manipulation make me angry. Abuse of any kind makes me angry. If I see someone being bullied, attacked, or anything of the sort, I get very upset. I used to confess this (often) because I used to think that getting angry was a sin. It became a source of scrupulosity for me. It wasn't until someone explained that feeling angry is natural and not a sin but that acting upon that emotion can become sinful that I stopped being so scrupulous. It's gotten better and I don't confess it unless something uncharitable escapes my lips or I act upon my anger (e.g. icy glares) but I still don't like how angry I can get sometimes. It's not a nice emotion. I don't like things that aren't nice. Sue me.

I have some consolations about this terrible anger I feel sometimes. Jesus got angry and cleansed the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). (side note: if you've ever wondered why I say "flippin'" when I'm upset about something, it's from this -- from Jesus flipping some tables in righteous anger). St. Jerome, who felt anger ardently, is the patron saint against anger for a reason yet he did great things for the Church. St. Teresa of Avila, who was also known to suffer from fits of anger, helped co-found the Discalced Carmelites (along with St. John of the Cross) because she had had enough of seeing the corruption within the Carmelite order. Through these (and many more examples), I've come to realize that I can use this particular negative emotion for good.

I believe that if we feel things deeply and don't get carried away by the emotions we can do a lot of good. The anger can be channeled to do something positive. The same with the sadness and (more easily) the joy. If we can keep this in mind, why are we still shamed into repressing them? A big reason why I developed anxiety in my mid-teens was because I bottled up most of my emotions. Any of you wondering why I haven't had regular panic attacks like I used to? It's because I've no longer bottled up my emotions, good or bad.

That's not to say that I've got it down pat. Sometimes, I can explode -- with anger or joy. Let's be honest, as human beings, we all do. I can usually keep things in perspective but when you add outside factors like lack of sleep, hunger, and other things, it's not as easy. However, it's not impossible.

I recently faced a lifelong problem with anger towards a certain family member. I prayed novenas about it and I sought the advice from trusted friends. God allowed me to understand that what this family member was doing to cause the (righteous yet still unpleasant) anger in me was being done unconsciously and that it was a result of some deep emotional scars within this person; none of it had anything to do with me. I exploded (in a quiet, controlled way) yet calmed down enough to sit down and talk to this person. 2 hours (and many tissues) later, we seemed to have sorted through things. I pray that God continues to help us keep our differences and outside influences in mind so that we can continue to repair the relationship but I know it's going to be somewhat of an uphill battle because it was decades of bad habits to undo.

Despite that drama (and I hate drama), I'm thankful to God for allowing me to have those moments where my temper exploded and I was able to look at things as a whole because it comes with the hope of a better relationship with the person. I still have to work on occasionally losing my cool when driving (L.A. drivers are notoriously rude) but I've seen the good God can do through the bad so I'm feeling optimistic about learning how to better control my temper overall.

How about you? Do any of you have a strong temper/temperament that you need to work on? Have you thought about asking God for help in learning to better manage and control that temper? Remember that you can always call of St. Jerome and/or St. Teresa of Avila whenever you're feeling particularly uncharitable in a heat-filled moment. :)

Well, that's it for now. I actually wrote this post days ago but I had work to do (which I will hopefully share soon) and then we had our apartment blessed for the Epiphany so I've been either sleeping, working, or cleaning up. Oh, 2018, you're a pip! lol.

I hope you're all having a lovely start to the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Taking a Dating Break... While Single

The past two weeks have been a bit odd. My "letter" to Catholic writers (and, really, to Catholics on social media in general) was not well received... and that was before the whole dancing priest controversy and Catholic Twitter stepping up the fights on that platform. I'm not going to comment on that because it's been discussed (or argued... strongly) by almost everyone. I'm just going to sip my tea and stand by what I've said, both on the blog and on Twitter. Instead, I'm going to post a sort of (unintentional) part two to my last post on thoughts regarding my vocation.

As I posted in the previous post, my private life has been a doozy lately. The last 7 months have been the hardest (in this department) in my adult life thus far. From confusing feelings about one person who unintentionally pulled me away from God and all that I know is good and true to dealing with new revelations about my vocation that have caused me to step outside my comfort zone, there hasn't been a dull moment for me.

If I told you that the last time I had a serious boyfriend was when I was 17, would you believe me? It's true. I've gone on dates since but nothing serious. I didn't have the time... nor was I in a good place for a while. My late teens and 20s were a busy time for me on all levels. I had to help take care of Dad (who was initially diagnosed with colon cancer shortly after I turned 17). I reverted to the Faith when I was 21. I had to finish my first undergraduate degree while juggling Dad's cancer and my anxiety problems. My father passed away and then I spent a year emotionally numb. I went through a slew of health problems and had to learn how to deal with the severe anxiety and panic attacks that once assailed me. I had to figure out my vocation. I had to learn how to take better care of myself (after neglecting to do so... which resulted in some of my health problems; which, thankfully, have now been taken care of). Just recently, I figured out my career/(small v) vocation and it's now systems go on that as well.

After I went through a sort-of identity crisis that lasted nearly a year (and only just ended in recent weeks), I saw that I've gotten clarity on all areas of my life... especially my (big v) vocation. I've already talked about that in the previous post but what I didn't mention is that once I felt more secure about what my vocation is, I also knew that I had to take a break because I've grown up a lot (spiritually and emotionally) since I last dated someone... and I need to figure out what works and what no longer does.

I'm not starting there though. I'm not going to see what areas I have to focus on when it comes to relationships. No, I'm going to strip that down further and go down to the true source of love -- God. I need to be in a place where I can be okay -- whatever my state in life is -- with only God's love. I wish I could say that I'm there right now but that would be a lie. I still crave that love from another person and I know that I can't jump into that without further cultivating my love for God.

I'm currently too lazy to go back and link all the older posts (I'm writing this on 3 hours of sleep... way early in the morning) but I know I've previously written about the fact that I know that only God's love can fully fulfill me and that gigantic void in my life. I stand by that. I know that is the truth... but my heart has to catch up to my brain in this instance. I'm not relying on feelings to tell me when that moment comes; I will know that I'm ready when I'm able to not be so easily swayed away from God and the Truth.

The recent young man in my life showed me that I'm not ready for a relationship anytime soon because my spiritual life isn't strong enough. My still-anemic spiritual life is just now catching up my physical (I was physically anemic for a couple of years as well) wellness. That's why I'm taking a dating break... and it hasn't been easy because I've had more guys show interest recently. No, this isn't me going "ooh, look, I've still got it; guys still like me..." It's more me saying "the timing is both terrible... and wonderful." Terrible because some have been promising but wonderful because it's been a sort of test for me in which I've had to stop and remind myself that I'm not ready quite yet.

So, what are my plans during this dating break?

• Going to daily Mass. 
• Going to adoration more frequently (recent Notting Hill inspired tweet, anyone?). 
• Taking up Bible study at home since I can't physically attend the meetings at local parishes. Thanks for all the recommendations on Twitter, y'all!
• Reading more books (finishing St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life and starting St. Teresa of Avila's The Interior Castle and The Way of Perfection). 
• Limiting my time on social media... and the internet in general because the negativity out there is harshing my mellow. 
• Focusing on a big test (that will last only a couple of months, God willing) that will further my small-v vocation.
• Continuing to improve my self-care so that I don't get physically sick again.

I'm not going to kick all men away during this time... but I'm also going to make it clear that I'm not in a place in which I can offer more than friendship. (side note: having no current crushes or interests really helps my ability to "friendzone" all males, lol.) God may surprise me and bring a great guy into my life between now and whenever I will be ready to begin dating again, but right now my focus is on my relationship with Him and on my own interior life. 

I cannot build a relationship (or a family) on a faulty foundation. My future fella and I deserve better than that. I cannot possibly help lead anyone to Heaven in my current state. I'm still having trouble getting to Mass as often as I'd like which is the first thing that needs to be worked on. 

Do any of my fellow single folks (women AND men) feel like perhaps they also need to work on your relationship with God? Better question: do some of you know that you need to take a dating break to work on your relationship with God but are reluctant to do so because you don't like being alone? You don't have to tell me, but be honest with yourself. If so, please know that I'll be praying for you. We're all in the same boat, y'all!

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the whole thing. I'm not sure how coherent they will be because, as I said earlier, I'm barely functioning on 3 hours of sleep. I have a theory as to why I've had insomnia the past 2 days but I won't be sure until I do something about it. And, actually, I think I'm finally ready to attempt a nap so I'll stop here.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! Avoid fighting on social media, get thee to the confessional, attend Mass, and stay holy, my friends. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Childhood Memories of Faith

Taken by me from the pews of my childhood parish.

While I wait for my downstairs neighbors to quit making noise (so I can study; file this under "apartment resident problems"), I thought I'd share something that came to mind while I was praying the Rosary a couple of days ago.

Does anyone remember what their faith was like when you were a child? Did you pray with your family? Did you pray before going to sleep? How about praying before and/or after every meal? How was your attention span during Mass? I'm so very curious as to how others experienced their faith as a child.

As for me, we (Mom and I have) have joked about how I "born to be a Catholic." Some of my earliest memories include being completely transfixed on the priest and what he did during the Liturgy of the Eucharist, especially during the consecration. I remember little 6-7-year-old me in the front pew (I always wanted to be in the front), eyes glued to the priest and what was going on at the altar. I didn't understand what was going on but I knew it was important. I think I even used to sigh happily during it. I knew it was about Jesus but didn't know much beyond that. Did I mention I was about 6 or 7? No one had told me about what happened during Mass. I knew the prayers because my parents taught them to me and I knew little things but nothing deeper than that, of course. I know my little mind wouldn't have been able to grasp the concept as much as I did when I reverted. Still, I loved going to Mass as a child.

I used to say that I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. I think I was particularly attracted to the Carmelite nuns. Those memories are a little fuzzy but I remember that I loved their habits and used to say "I'm going to be a nun when I grow up." Obviously, that didn't happen though St. Teresa of Avila was one of the first saints I admired when I returned to the Church as a 21-year-old.

I also remember that I once called a Catholic company that used to send free crosses to any child who was in catechism and wanted one. I don't remember what their name was (all I remember is that they were based in Maryland around 1993) but I remember how excited I was when it arrived. It was a small, white plastic cross that read "I love Jesus" in golden letters. I took it to school with me, unashamed of my love of my faith. I think I was about 8 around this time since I was in catechism to make my First Communion (which took place in 1994, a couple of days before I turned 9).

My parents taped a holy card of a Guardian Angel helping a child cross a river on the headboard of my bed so I was the first and last thing I saw. I also remember being completely scared of a picture my parents had in my room of two roads -- one leading to Heaven and another leading to Hell. The Hell part scared the crumbs out of me and I hated it. I must've been about 5 years old (yes, I have memories that young) and I think that scarred me a little. lol.

I also remember that I was basically on my own when it came to my faith. My parents took me to Mass sporadically growing up. I went nearly every Sunday (I think) while I was in catechism classes but as soon as my First Communion and then Confirmation (which happened when I was 13 years-old) were celebrated, they felt like it was enough. In fact, that was part of the reason why I unintentionally/unofficially left the Church during my teens until I was 21.

Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if my parents had had a stronger relationship with God. Would I have never left the Church? I won't lament it. I know that both of my parents were also poorly catechized and that both were away from the Church for decades. My father went 40+ years without going to confession or receiving the Eucharist (his return was my 24th birthday gift two months before he passed away) and my mother returned shortly before his death as well. I'm grateful that God has used me to help get them back -- especially my father; my biggest fear was that he would pass without returning to the Church -- and that, through the help of the Holy Spirit, I'm still able to clarify a few faith-related things to my mom. Our theological conversations make me happy and have increased over the years.

I also oftentimes think about how I will want to raise my future children (if God blesses me with any). I know that I want them to develop their relationship with God as soon as they can understand it. Of course, I'll take them to Mass and I'll teach them prayers as they're growing up. Since I didn't experience any prayers before or after meals (until a few years ago when I started doing it on my own) or even with my family (I can't recall ever praying with my parents outside of Mass), I know it'll be a huge learning experience for me but I look forward to it.

Oh! One more question: if you grew up with a strong sense of the faith and if your parents were religious, do you think it helped (or didn't help) your own faith formation growing up? I'm very curious and would love to hear any stories you may like to share. :D

Alright, it sounds like my neighbors have lowered down the noise level enough for me to be able to concentrate on some lecture videos. I have two exams next week and I need ALL the study time I can get. And prayers, if you can spare them. Please and thank you in advance. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #21: Big News Edition

1) If you haven't already heard via the blog's FB page or my Twitter account, here is my big news: I was formally accepted into Utah State University's Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education program. That's a mouthful. lol. I received an email yesterday (almost as soon as I woke up) congratulating me. It was extra special (for me) to have received the news yesterday, too. As I tweeted,

Well, got a rose from St. Therese (about school) on her feast day and was accepted on St. Teresa of Avila's feast day. Well played. lol.
— Emmy Cecilia (@nerdwriter) October 15, 2013

If you've been a reader since the blog's first year (some of you have stuck around these past - almost - 6 years), you know that I have a special devotion to St. Teresa of Avila ever since I had that dream about her. I'm a big fan of the Discalced Carmelites as well so yesterday was the perfect day for the news. I have a feeling I'm going to have her and St. Therese (and the Immaculate Heart of Mary) on my mind throughout the entire program since I did novenas to all three of them (though not all for school) during the entire application to decision process.

2) If you're wondering if this means I'm giving up on my Theology M.A. or on writing about Catholicism because I'll be focusing on Speech-Language Pathology, the answers is a big NO. As I posted a couple of weeks ago (after my big post on my fears about doing a "secular" job), I feel like this is where God wants me now. I really need to strengthen my knowledge of theology before I can hope to either teach it or do something with it. The plan is that I will do Speech-Language Pathology first and then do Theology due to familial and financial responsibilities that I have. Of course, now my journey will include me trying to incorporate what I learn as a speech therapist into my faith (and vice versa) so there will always be new material to cover in the blog. It will be a challenge as I was told how intense SLP programs can be but nothing worth having or doing is easy (even trying to lead a holy life is hard with all the temptations to sin) so it'll be good for me to try to find a good balance between school/career and faith. God and my faith are the most important things in my life (though, obviously, God trumps all) so it'll be interesting to see what happens.

3) I don't start my classes until next May (first time in years I'll have classes on my birthday) so I will have time to focus on my CINO college project. And, actually, after the response about submitting stories from elementary school through high school, I decided to open it up to submissions at any and all grade levels as long as they took place at CINO schools. We really need to do something about this horrible epidemic... and it is an epidemic at this point. I've seen well education young women get their orthodox beliefs warped by liberation theology and I can only guess that there must be schools that start their students with some terribly unorthodox beliefs/theology as well. So, please, submit any and all stories you have so we can make a stronger case against funding and/or sending students to these so-called "Catholic" schools. There are so many good school that are faithful yet struggle to remain open. It's really a pity and I really want to help as much as I can. The first posts regarding this will start next week.

I'm seriously behind on reading so I'm going to go do that. I've just started feeling better from the stress so I'm going to try to continue trying to relax until the knots in my shoulders are gone. :) 

Oh! There is a chance of potentially having good news tomorrow morning (that involves finally being able to receive the Eucharist for the first time since early June) so please say a little prayer for me if you can.

That's it for now. :D I hope y'all have been having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Working with My Phlegmatic-Sanguine Personality

I know I wrote about this two years ago but I wanted to revisit it since I've noticed a couple of things in the last couple of days that I hadn't noticed before. I thought about my phlegmatic-sanguine personality and how it was playing a big role in my post-grad plans... and it was a much needed reflection.

For those who are new or don’t remember what I wrote (or don’t want to read the previous blog post), as a phlegmatic-sanguine I have the following traits: “tendency for introversion,… peace-loving, conservative, well-balanced, easy-going, with a dry wit and a talent for bringing people together.” I am also outgoing but only with my close friends… and I know many of you who know me personally can vouch for the fact that this is indeed true; I’m terribly shy and quiet when I first meet someone but once I am completely comfortable with them, I’m a massive goofball. On the flip side,  I can also “be deeply wounded by sarcasm, harsh criticism, and anger when it is directed at [me].” I could go on and on but you get it. If you’ve known me for years and agree with the description, raise your hands. Oh, wow… everyone. Okay. lol.

Here is what has been replaying in my mind the last couple of days… especially since I realized that it was very much true: “A danger for the phlegmatic-sanguine is to be satisfied with achieving less than what he is capable of -- whether because he tends not to plan for the future or because the more challenging goals seem to be too much trouble.” Furthermore, it says that “because [I] place a high priority on harmonious relationships and cooperation, [I] will be tempted to conform to the expectations and goal of those around [me]. Thus, [my] goals may be lower than they ought to be…” Ding, ding, ding, ding!

You know, I never thought I actually had a problem with this until I realized that that was exactly what I was (and am) going through. I am settling for less than I am capable… and this fact was confirmed when I asked. I think I’ve always done this but I’ve always used excuses for my decisions. Now that I don’t have an excuse (well, I do but I don’t want use it anymore), maybe it’s time to try to push myself to do something that I’m scared of. Though I was encouraged to, I didn’t go for Oxford a few years ago. Though I was encouraged to do a number of things, I didn't do them... and it may be because of the fear of failure which is, unfortunately, a common trait amongst up phlegmatic-sanguines.

I have found jobs that would be okay for me (I wouldn't love them but they would bring in a steady income) but I didn't even apply for them because of my anxiety. It's been so ridiculously out of control that I've been playing it safe. I've also found some great jobs I could do at home (freelance writing) but have yet to apply for them because I have so much going on and I know that adding more things will only overwhelm me. However, for the first time since I've graduated, I've given myself a specific deadline to get all my side work (which I am, sadly, not getting paid for) done. This includes getting my novel done (how many times have I said this?) as well as some guest posts for a couple of side projects (which I will soon be able to talk about). Before I finish everything, I will start applying for these freelance writing gigs and, hopefully, I will be able to get my writing career started. I need goals. I need plans. I need to stop being so afraid of failure. (Oh, and for the record, I've currently ruled out teaching because I wouldn't be able to do it with my anxiety; I'm going to work on this while I work on my Masters. My heart isn't currently in it.)

I have a list of grad schools I'll be applying to next year. I was going to do it this year but, really, I have so many financial responsibilities on my plate at this time that I can't afford to take more time off from work. I have narrowed my search to about five colleges -- four Catholic (and I mean orthodox Catholic, not CINO) and one public (which is also out of the country.) I'll be apply for a Master's in Theology / Biblical Studies at the Catholic schools and I'll be applying for a Creative Writing Master of Fine Arts at the public university. I don't want to sit around and wonder "what if" due to the fact that I was scared to apply for a Creative Writing degree.

As for how I am combating any spiritual laziness and/or attacks (and I feel like I've been enduring a couple of these lately), I'm also taking the advice (from the book) about what to do to stay on track. I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (it's part of the brown scapular enrollment), the Rosary (which I do daily; fun story about this on Monday), and keeping a sort of prayer journal to keep myself in check. It's so easy to say "I'm so exhausted... I'll just pray later." I've had a couple of those days in the past two weeks but I've still gone ahead and prayed because it could become a bad habit later on.

For the tl;dr crowd: basically, I am working with my temperament's strengths and weaknesses in order to do both what God wants me (which, to be honest, I am still not sure of) and to not get stuck doing less than I am capable of.

And for those of you who would love to help me out, feel free to bug the crumbs out of me if I'm close to these deadlines and have not finished anything:

- August 30: Book reviews for The Good Bad Boy by Fr. Gerald Brennan, If the Swords in England by Barbara Willard, The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien, and The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring by JRR Tolkien. The first two books are done (read) and I am currently tackling The Hobbit. I hope to have it and The Fellowship of the Ring read by mid next week with the reviews submitted by next weekend.

- September 12: Side project posts completed.

- September 29 (Archangels feast day): Novel completed (includes edits and any other excuses I may have). I may need at least two or three more beta readers for this.

I hope to have some freelance writing gigs lined up around October 15 (St. Teresa of Avila's feast day; appropriate, no?) at the latest. I hope to have that started in a couple of weeks but it may take me a while. We'll see. God will provide some employment... I know He will. I'm also asking Our Lady, Mother of Divine Providence as well. I am covering all my bases here. ;)

Anyway, this has gone on too long now. Oops. Sorry -- I like to write. lol.

I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend (at least what's left of it.) :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary and My Anxiety

As most of you know, today is the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Today we commemorate the day that Our Blessed Mother's body was taken up to heaven by her son. If you didn't know, today is a Holy Day of Obligation (a.k.a. one of the non-Sunday days you are required to attend Mass)... but, unfortunately, I will have to miss Mass because of my anxiety. :(

I've had a lousy week of anxiety following a week or so of absolutely no anxiety whatsoever. I have a lot going on in my life (which can contribute to the stress) but I've been even more stressed in the past and have not had this reaction. It's bad. It's "waking up at 4:15 a.m. with a horribly anxious feeling all over and not being able to fall asleep again until nearly 6 a.m." bad. It's "confined to staying home all day" bad. It's "how the heck am I going to get a job with this darn illness?" bad.

This morning, when I woke up at 4:15 a.m. with horrible anxiety, I had a hard time falling back asleep. I couldn't even drive my mom to work in the morning -- and for me not to do that means I'm in pretty bad shape. She took a taxi to work and I stayed home and tried to sleep. I watched my favorite guilty pleasure TV show (which luckily airs at 5 to 6 a.m.) but it didn't help. Finally, I just thought about what day it was and how, wearing the Brown Scapular, I knew I had her protection. I started to visualize (a very important skill I learned in cognitive-behavioral therapy) Our Blessed Mother wrapping her mantle around me and holding me while I just cried and let it all out. Soon after, I fell asleep. While I still woke up feeling anxious (though it's less than this morning) and have continued feeling annoyingly anxious throughout the day, I know she's still holding me together.

While I was praying the morning part of the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (I have been doing the post-Vatican II version but will be switching over to the pre-Vatican II version soon), I had two thoughts pop up into my mind. First, that maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. There has to be a reason why I'm going through what I'm going through. I may not know what it is but I am sure God has bigger plans for me and this anxiety is just the cross I have to carry for as long as I need to. I remembered how, during my reversion six years ago (happened during the summer, too), I had bad (worse -- 3 times in a week in the Emergency Room bad) anxiety and how I decided to dedicate my life to my newly rediscovered Faith. Maybe I just need to go through this in order to help figure out what my new stage of life is. Like I've said, I have no idea what God has in store for me but I'll do what He wants me to. I feel a little embarrassed to admit this but, in the past, I've told God that if having anxiety is what it takes for me to get back on track with my Faith, that I would happily endure it. Maybe that's what's happening. Only God knows.

The second thought I had was actually two separate things that I am putting together. First, maybe I should spend a little more time in conversation with my adopted 'big brother' Bl. Pier Giorgio. I don't know why but I have a feeling that I should be asking him for help (through his intercession). Between his intercession as well as Our Blessed Mother's (and my own conversations with God), I can make sense of what my next step should be. Then I thought "Wow, I really, really want to read Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila"... but then I remembered that I still have two Tolkien books I need to read for review (and I'm way overdue for those) so I can't just yet. New motivation though. ;) Angelica was kind enough to send the book to me for my birthday last year but I still haven't had a chance to read it. Maybe it's time that I do it, before I move onto other books.

On this day, I will remember that I have my Heavenly Mother looking out for me. Though I cannot make it to Mass to celebrate the day on which she was reunited with her son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, I know she and God know that I want to be there. It took this day to remind myself that what I am currently suffering here on earth is only temporary and that, if I try to live a better life (hey, I'm human; I slip up more than I'd like), maybe one day I will join them in Heaven and all the suffering I went through on earth will seem like a distant memory.

Anyway, sorry... long rambling post. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) I think better when I write it all out... and I don't mind if you guys get a glimpse into this part of my life. :) I'm going to go drink some more tea and try to distract myself from this darn anxiety. :)

I hope y'all are having a great day. If there's anything I can pray for for you, please let me know. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

And... I'm Back! :D

I am back, baby... and in more ways than one. :D

First, my apologies for lack of writing. The cold bug hit me harder than the last one and I spent a lot of time resting (sleeping) or getting back into my homebody groove which consists of getting my cleaning, cooking, and errands schedules back in order. Since things had gotten into disarray while I was in school, it took me a few days to get everything in order and running like clockwork again. Now that that's in order, I have time to write.

I've been working on my novel (editing and re-writing stages). It had been on hold for nearly a year because of school so I'm trying to finish it now. I'm happy to report that it's been going well. :) I also have a new assignment which will appear on a well known site in the near future. That is all I will say for now. ;)

So... did I mention that I am back?! Today I woke up with a strong desire to pray for others as well as to get back to finishing all the books I had on hold because of school (i.e. Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila and finishing the book of letters Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati wrote to his family and friends). In fact, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati has been on my mind and in my heart lately so I'm going to tackle the rest of my studies on him first. I still owe him a lot (seriously, I couldn't have graduated with a tiny 2k loan without his intercession; I initially needed to take out a 20k loan... per year) and it seems appropriate that I start by finishing what I had begun before "school" got in the way. I don't know why but I feel like I'm preparing myself for the career path that God wants me to take and that makes me very happy. :) I feel like I did during the first years of my reversion (specifically late 2006 through early 2008). I'm happy... really, really happy. :D

Also, happy (yes, I know I am overusing this word... and I don't care) to report that my writer's block (and the reason for not wanting to break the chain) is gone. :D Maybe this bug (and the rest I was forced to get) was what I needed to get back to my usual self. Thank God!

Anyway, this is a short entry because I have dishes and dusting to do -- as well as start on lunch -- before mom gets home from work. This is good. It feels like old times.

I hope you are all having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Personal Reflection: Confession

I absolutely LOVE going to confession, so much so that I go almost every weekend or at least every other week... or whenever I've committed a venial sin. The majority of the time it's just venial sins that have the priests asking me why I go confess them so often. For me, personally, I just feel better having no sins (no matter how "small" they are) on my conscience. I am very much like St. Teresa of Avila that way (though I am still working on reaching her level of sanctity... and have a long road ahead of me.) It's not so much that I just don't want to feel guilty for what I've done; I just want to show that I'm truly sorry for what I've done. I can get very emotional in the confessional because I am truly repentant about what I've done. I do not feel right having offended God in any way. I don't like being away from God in any way. Knowing that I am in danger of not spending eternity with God in heaven because I failed to confess something or because I did something reprehensible makes me incredibly unhappy.

I've gotten into the habit of taking an hour to examine my conscience before going to confession. I go to the quietest room I can find in the house, pray that St. Gerard Majella helps open my heart to God so that I may properly examine my conscience (he's the patron saint for a good confession) and use the iConfess app on my iPod touch. If I know I will forget something (and I usually do), I write it down so that I will be able to confess it. I feel so calm and at peace by the end that go in both respectful of the sacrament that I am about to receive as well as grateful for God's mercy. I know that I am only human and that I commit errors more than I would like but knowing that I can clear my conscience by owning up to my mistakes in front of God makes me happy.

My mother always says she will not confess whenever I go to confession but she always comes with me and always ends up going to confession as well. lol. It's something I never got to experience with my father but that I am overjoyed to share with my mother. I am still trying to teach her (sounds bad, I know) how to have a proper confession but it's an easier hill to conquer than the mountain of obstacles I had with my father.

I've been blessed enough to help (in a sense) convince others to go to confession for the first time in many years. I don't know what it is about me but I seem to attract older people who hadn't gone to confession in decades. I don't mind it one bit either. :) A lot of the time I am just in line when I get an older lady or gentleman asking me about confession. Somehow it opens the flood gate and they end up telling me their life story. About a few months before my father returned to the Church, I had an older lady who sort of pulled me aside and told me that she hadn't gone to confession in over 40 years (same as my father). She told me her fears and I told her the same thing I basically tell everyone whom I speak to: just open their hearts to God and let him in. The priests are not judgmental and they are there to help absolve us from our sins as well help us get back on the right path. Of course what I say varies from person to person but I try to help them any way I can. If I can, in any small way, help them get closer to God than nothing will make me happier as I am here to serve Him. I may not speak about confession in a grander or more "theologically sound" way but, if you haven't noticed, I tend to write straight from my heart... if it isn't with simpler words. :)

Alright, that is it for now. I want to get a little work on my novel before I head to confession today. I have two more posts planned that may take me a couple of days to get up. I am waiting for something in the mail before I can break the news (with pictures) and the other, well, I am working on and I am waiting to see results before I say anything. :) As I am now in my last month of vacation before the new semester at my new college begins, I will try to update more often. :)

That's it for now. I hope y'all have a lovely weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

St. Teresa of Avila and My Creative Writing Assignment

Because I don't have much to write today, mainly because I'm on a time crunch due to a professor pushing up the due date from next Monday to tonight, I am sharing a homework assignment. Luckily, it is something Catholic related because, as I said, my goal this Lent was to focus on Catholic literature.

For my Creative Writing class, we had to take a poem, song, short story, play, etc. and change its genre; the theme for this week was genres. I took the opportunity to infuse my faith with my assignment. Yes, I am shameless but I don't care. lol. Anyway, I am sharing what I wrote, and it's word for word what I submitted.

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I took an excerpt from the autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila (Catholic nun and writer), which can be considered as a non-fictional autobiography. I turned it into a fictionalized drama.

Original:

“I went to great extremes in my vain anxiety about this, though I took not the slightest trouble about what I must do to live a truly honourable life. All that I was seriously concerned about was that I should not be lost altogether. My father and sister were very sorry about this friendship of mine and often reproved me for it. But, as they could not prevent my friend from coming over to the house, their efforts were of no avail, for when it came to doing anything wrong I was very clever. I am sometimes astonished at the harm which can be caused by bad company; if I had not experienced it I could not believe it. This is especially so when one is young, for it is then that the evil done is greatest. I wish parents would be warned by me and consider this very carefully. The result of my intercourse with this woman was to change me so much that I lost nearly all my soul‘s natural inclination to virtue, and was greatly influenced by her, and by another person who indulged in the same pastimes.” (The Life of Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila)

My Version:

“I went to great extremes in my vain anxiety about this, though I took not the slightest trouble about what I must do to live a truly honorable life,” she explained to me as she took the seat next to mine.

There was a sadness in her eyes that had not faded over the years. I did not say anything, for fear of being disrespectful. I mean, how many times do you get to talk to a real life saint? Instead I kept listening.

“All that I was seriously concerned about was that I should not be lost altogether.“ She looked intently at me to see if I was still listening to her. I nodded, encouraging her to go on.

“My father and sister were very sorry about this friendship of mine and often reproved me for it. But, as they could not prevent my friend from coming over to the house, their efforts were of no avail, for when it came to doing anything wrong I was very clever.”

As she took a break to drink from the glass of water I had placed in front of her, my mind wandered off to a distant memory. Did she know that I had had a similar experience? Was this a lesson God was teach me through St. Teresa?

“I am sometimes astonished at the harm which can be caused by bad company; if I had not experienced it I could not believe it,” she continued as I snapped out of my own thoughts.

“This is especially so when one is young, for it is then that the evil done is greatest. I wish parents would be warned by me and consider this very carefully. The result of my intercourse with this woman was to change me so much that I lost nearly all my soul‘s natural inclination to virtue, and was greatly influenced by her, and by another person who indulged in the same pastimes.”

“Is that what’s happening to me?” I asked more afraid of the answer than anything else at that moment. “The friendship I have are keeping me from being good?”

She did not answer me. The classical music station that was set to turn on when my alarm went off did just that.

My eyes flew open, taking in the bright sunlight that was flooding into my room. It had just been a dream, though it was more real and relative than anything I could ever imagine myself.
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And there you have it. The professor said she wasn't going to criticize what we wrote so... yeah. If she does, I don't care. I will not back down from my beliefs... or my want of sharing those beliefs. Hey, when I say I'm sticking to something (like no Twitter - ugh, so hard!) then I do it. :D

Anyway, I am off to take a break (I've been sitting at the kitchen table for hours now) before I have to focus on my other classes.

Oh, by the way, I finished in time to go see Fr. Stan Fortuna perform at Catholic Underground but, unfortunately, my Humanities professor thought it would be fun to make us miss our Saturday night plans by making us attend an online class discussion. I will have to talk to him about that, and about how it's unfair that I could lose points on Saturday evenings/nights because he decides to hold "class discussions" on these days. I am NOT missing Sr. Tracey Dugas (and the rest of the Daughters of St. Paul)'s Discernment 101 session (second session) next Saturday because of this. I have Masses and important things to do than to sit home and discuss what I've already done and understood that week. /semi-rant. lol.

Okay, now I'm off to take a tea and cookies break before my online meeting in half an hour. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!



P.S./Edit: nevermind, the discussions on Saturdays are optional for extra credit. Great... I find this out too late. Oh well. :(

St. Teresa of Avila's Help; Music Monday

I know this post is very belated (St. Teresa of Avila's feast day was a couple of days ago; on the 15th) but I've been stuck in bed for the past week. Actually, the last time I was well enough to sit down in front of the computer to blog (or, really, do anything online) was last Tuesday. But, no worries I am feeling better now. :) A Twitter friend actually called me a "victim soul" who, much like St. Faustina, gets sick often but offers it up for others. I don't think I'm worthy of calling myself a victim soul. While it's true that I do get sick (though I use that term for everything from anxiety/panic attacks to other kinds of pains and ills) quite often and I do offer them up either for someone else's health or for the souls in purgatory, I don't think I've suffered enough to even be considered one. Let's just say "Emmy gets sick a lot, but she doesn't mind." I truly don't view illnesses as a curse or anything negative. On the contrary, I view it as a blessing from God. I've found that I feel closer to Him whenever I feel sick, which helps when I'm feeling like a massive crumb cake. St. Teresa of Avila actually helped me start looking at things this way.

Without repeating too much from a previous post I've written about St. Teresa of Avila... a couple of years ago, when I was returning to my faith, I had a dream about St. Teresa of Avila. I saw her picture in my dream and I kept repeating her name... even as I was waking up. I actually didn't know who she was, let alone her name, so when I got online that morning, I immediately googled her name. The more I learned about her, the more I felt a connection to her. We have several things in common -- everything from our heritage (she was a Spaniard, I'm of Spanish descent) to how we view certain things (such as gossip; my intense dislike for it mirrors hers) -- that sometimes I feel like she personally picked me to really delve into her life and her ways. I actually haven't been able to get through her autobiography yet but I hope to soon. What I have read has stayed with me for more reasons than one. As I said, she's really helped me embrace my illnesses and see them not as suffering, but as something that will bring me closer to God AND that will only strengthen my faith. Lately I haven't really done much in terms of praying or devoting my time to learning more about Catholicism because of my crazy schedule... and it took my illnesses and temper to remind me of how I need to get back to that.

Much like St. Teresa of Avila, I have a strong temper. It takes a lot to get to me that point where I'm terribly feisty, but I definitely have the ability to go there. A couple of days ago it got bad enough that I started limiting contact with those around me so I wouldn't get upset with them over trivial things. I know what triggered that temper flare (and I'm surprised it didn't get worse because the situation was really bad) but as soon as I remembered St. Teresa of Avila, I found ways to bring it down. I reminded myself that while she also had a temper, she knew how to use it in a manner that would turn the situation into something positive. Just the thought of that completely changed my perspective on things and I was able to turn the bad situation into something good (with help from God, of course). I still have to deal with the unpleasant situation but it's getting easier now that I've started using my new "weapons" against a bad temper. :) (P.S. If you ever find yourself with a bad temper and can't find a way to calm down, either ask St. Teresa of Avila or St. Jerome, who also had a notoriously bad temper, to intercede for you.) And what it's also done is remind me of when I first began returning to the Church and how much I loved doing it.

I've also realized that while I have been really busy lately, I've also been wasting my time on a lot of things that don't really matter. Do I need to get on SuperPokePets and play? No. Do I need to waste my time on games on Facebook? No. So I've cut off my twitter and Facebook for the week. Okay, I'm also doing it as a promise for an intercession Our Blessed Mother did for me. I have to reprioritize a lot of things -- especially my schoolwork which has taken the back seat to almost everything. That's fine, though, because I'll be able to focus on getting back to my personal studies of the Catholic faith which I haven't done in a while. See what I mean about having to reprioritize? lol. I have to brush up on a couple of things because we're heading into the Christianity section in my Philosophy of Monotheistic Religions course and I already know I'm going to have a doozy with a couple of "know-it-all" classmates. All I have to say about that is Bring. It. ON! lol.

I should make this post shorter than usual... but before I go, I wanted to share with you my Fall 2009 playlist as part of Music Monday. These are some of my favorite songs that are often on repeat during Fall and into late Winter. :D I hope y'all enjoy at least one of the songs. I know I have "old fashioned" tastes sometimes. :-P

Alright, well, I actually have to go study for a possible exam on Judaism on Wednesday (I don't know; I've missed two class sessions/lectures due to illness and I have no way of contacting either classmates or the professor). I'd rather be safe than sorry. :D I hope to post tomorrow but no promises. ;)Hope y'all had a great weekend!

As always, thank you for reading and God Bless.

Give Me the Simple Life

FOR TODAY: Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
Outside my window... the palm trees sway in the breeze as the rain hits the clear blue pool.
I am thinking... how much I love this rainy weather.
I am thankful for... everything the Lord has given me.
I am wearing... long sleeved plum colored top, red-blue-green checkered pajama bottoms, white socks.
I am remembering... my dad since I'm wearing pajama pants he gave me last winter.
I am going... finish this blog, finish my cup of tea, and then go read my book.
I am reading... Man of the Beatitudes Pier Giorgio Frassati by Luciana Frassati
I am hoping... that I get to watch Bright Star and An Education this weekend at a nearby movie theater.
I am hearing... "April in Paris" by Count Basie.
On my mind... interview questions that will soon see the light of day on this blog.
Noticing that... I've been changing quite a bit lately, in more than one way.
From the kitchen... a cup of Country Peach Passion tea and toast as a brunch snack.
Around the house... hints of flowers, artwork by Andrea Laliberte, and other personal touches are making this place seem much more feminine than it was before.
One of my favorite things... cuddling up with a good book and a hot cup of tea on a rainy day.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing... What the rain looks like outside my window.

Survey taken from The Simple Woman's Daybook

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To quote an old standard tune, "give me the simple life." Lately that's what I've been doing -- taking it easy. I've spent a lot of time catching up with friends as well as having some time to think things thoroughly. There have been a lot of changes happening in my life lately, but all have been for the best. I will gradually write about a few of these changes in the blog. :)

I will say one thing though... I still believe that everything that is happening is because it's God's will and I'm more than happy to do these and to change a couple of aspects of myself. St. Teresa of Avila's feast day in a couple of days is going to be the perfect timing to talk about one of these thing since I've learned much from her life experiences. As I wrote several months ago, I'm probably more like her than any other saint I've learned about and I've really noticed that lately. :)

Alright, I'm going to go listen to Mel Tormé's "Coming Home Baby" and finish my cup of tea before I go tackle one of my books. I'm currently torn between finishing the book of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (re-reading it to get direct quotes for my review) and finishing St. Teresa of Avila's autobiography for the blog about her on her feast day. Either way, I will (hopefully) finish both by tomorrow night. :)

And this concludes my "simple woman" blog of the week. :D I hope everyone in L.A. and Southern California is enjoying the rain. :) As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

New Path and How St. Therese of Lisieux Fits Into It

Lately I feel like God's been calling me to follow a different path than the one I've been on; a much holier one. No, that doesn't mean that I believe my vocation is to be a religious sister; I still feel, in my heart, that my vocation is that of wife and mother. This new path DOES, however, involve my vocation. I can't go into it too much because it's part of the other blog post I'm working on (yes, it's still in the drafts page) but I will say that I find it amusing that it took a Christian (non-Catholic) to really make me realize that all the signs have been pointing in this direction. I had a dream in mid-late June that St. Therese of Lisieux had told me to have patience about this particular thing and showed me something that I did not understand... but now, with this new epiphany, I understand. (side note: She also said that a friend, who is currently discerning his vocation, was meant for a particular vocation but what do I know? lol.) I'm not saying that all my dreams come true or that they're all divine messages. Not at all. I wanted to clarify this for those who are new to my blog and have read about my dreams occasionally coming true. For all we know, this is something that I've subconsciously known but that it's just clicked in my mind. Point is that I think I know why I've had this inexplicable need/want to have St. Therese present in my life in some way.

So now that I know what I have to do, and have already begun doing it, I have to do a lot to reach my new goal. First, I need to work on myself -- a lot. There are still many things I want to accomplish. Second, I'm still doing research but I am certain I want to have something to with the Carmelites. Perhaps a Lay (Third Order) Carmelite? As I said, I'm still researching all of this but I feel like God, with the help of both St. Teresa of Avila (whom I've felt connected to for years) and St. Therese of Lisieux, is calling me to this. I believe there are some Carmelites that attend (or did last semester) one of the colleges I'll be attending this semester so I hope I can speak with them about this if I can find them. All that I want to do is somehow connected to St. Therese -- either in what she did or how she did things while she was alive. It all sounds kind of vague, I know it does, but I promise it'll all make sense when I publish the other post I've been working on. I haven't finished it only because I haven't finished a particular book I want to discuss in the post. I will try my best to finish it later today or tomorrow to post tomorrow. I'm halfway through the book and I've been known to read books quickly (when I have the free time to do so). Fingers crossed.

Oh, before I end this post I want to give a HUGE "Thank you" to Rebecca of Modestia and Catholic in Film School for unknowingly helping me on this new path. All she did was invite to go have lunch and go shopping, which we did for 8 hours (I think my feet are still sore, lol), but she helped me discover a newfound confidence in myself that I didn't know I had. (Btw, if you read this and if you end up using any of the pictures you took of me, please blur my face out or something, lol.)

I guess that's all I can say, for now, without giving too much away about the next post. I will say that it's a little bit long, though I will try to make it as pain-free as I possibly can. :D Okay, that's it for today. I need to go clean the house and see what I can find to eat 'cause we have almost nothing edible left in the house. I will be happy when I go grocery shopping later today. :D I hope everyone had a great weekend and that we, who are returning to classes next week, enjoy the last week of vacation. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Getting Excited about WYD 2011; Saint Books

Is anyone besides myself getting really excited about World Youth Day 2011 in Madrid, Spain? I know it's still 2 years away but with the introduction of the new logo for the event and the website the Archdiocese of Madrid has launched (which is currently only in Spanish), it's a little hard not to get excited! I was excited last year, and all I did was watch it on T.V. Btw, yes, I did sacrifice sleep to watch most, if not all, of it. :D One of the downsides of living on the U.S. West Coast and having the event broadcast live from Australia; several hours ahead of us. I was so bummed I couldn't go last year. I was still dealing with my anxiety (which was still in full force and was just getting into the routine of going to Mass without getting panic attacks) and we were also still dealing with dad's chemotherapy at the time. While I didn't get to experience the entire thing in person, I am thankful that EWTN (especially the Spanish channel, which is the only one Time Warner Cable allows me to watch without extra cost) broadcast it. I felt like I was still able to experience the joy and wonder of it all, though, admittedly, not the same way the people who went probably did. I was even on the edge of my seat, waiting for them to announce where the next WYD would take place, and I was overjoyed when it was announced that it would happen in Spain. I told myself that I would try to do everything I could to make sure I would be able to go to the next one in Madrid.

I told my parents that we would all go to the next WYD, especially since it's happening in the country where our ancestors came from. (Here's my Spanish heritage pride coming out. lol.) They both said that it was a plan. I actually planned on helping them return to the Church by then, if not then and there, but things don't always go as we planned. Anyway, as soon as the Spanish language website and logo were revealed, I told my mom about this. We now have a game plan. We're going to set aside a little bit of money every week for the remainder of the time so that we can go. I'll also have to figure out how to help mom with her fear of flights/airplanes, and, okay, myself as well (although, I'm more used to that than she is) but I still have more than enough time to figure that out. :D I fully intend on making the trip and hopefully I'll be able to stick around Spain for a bit after to visit places like where St. Teresa of Avila, and other Spanish saints, lived. :D

And while I'm talking about St. Teresa of Avila, I hope to re-read (and actually finish this time) her autobiography, long with other saint books before I head back to school. I've already gone through 4 books (plus currently reading another) but they haven't been about saints, or even Catholicism. As soon as I finish the one I'm reading (Jane Austen themed), I will re-read one of Bl. Pier Giorgio's books and finish the other I haven't read. After that, I hope to finish St. Augustine's Confessions, a book on St. Therese of Lisieux (which is in Spanish and was passed down to me by mom), one on St. Philomena, all before I go onto St. Teresa of Avila's book. The reason I saved hers for last was because it'll prepare me for the new school year. I don't know what it is about her and her autobiography but it definitely puts me in the right mind frame to tackle school. I hope to finish them all by the 30th (which gives me 23 days, 22 if you don't count today). I do intend to write reviews for them. I hope to get my hands on St. Therese of Lisieux's autobiography, too. I love saint books. If anyone has any more suggestions for good saint books, please let me know! Any and all suggestions are welcomed. I'm a bibliophile that needs to have a book with her at all times. lol. :D

Alright, I think that's about it. I've fallen into my summer reading mode and I am not online much because of it. All I need is a book, some jazz music, and a cup of peppermint tea to be perfectly content. If you can add some lilies to the room, even better. Yes, I'm a full on nerd. lol. Sorry this post has been a little boring, I'm just very anxious to get back to my book. lol. I hope to write something a little more substantial next time; perhaps even a book review on one of the books on my list. :)

OH! Before I forget... I currently have NO prayer requests from anyone. Aww. :( If any of you would like me to pray about something -- illness, lack of job, anything! -- please let me know. I LOVE praying for others and my little book is currently empty. :(

Okay, that's all for now. I hope everyone had a great week and will have a great weekend as well. :D Thanks for reading! God Bless. :D
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A Sharp Blow to the Family, but Not Our Faith.

Note: I started this blog yesterday, Tuesday, but am finishing it today, Wednesday.

Tuesday: Dad and I just got back from the doctor's where I got news that made me feel like the burnt crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. At first, we were told that dad just had liver problems, but it was because no one wanted to tell us what the real deal was. Since I am the one who is in charge of dad's medical appointments and business, I got to speak to his doctor personally this morning. He told me that his cancer has indeed returned and this time it was in his liver. A further blow -- his jaundice shows that his cancer is at the advanced stage... and that his cancer is incurable. I fought back the tears (better than I expected) and translated/told my dad that his cancer had returned. I made the decision to not tell him it's incurable, which the doctor said was best. I told him that the chemotherapy he could start in 2 weeks is very intense and aggressive and that he had to choose either that or, as the doctor said, make him as comfortable as he can be until the Lord decided it was time for him to pass, which might be in the near future. Staying strong, keep my faith intact, and getting through this in one piece is going to be the toughest test yet.

I refuse to give up on dad. I refuse to get panic attacks (and I might succeed with the amount of stubbornness I currently have). I refuse to be angry at God for having all of this happen. I've known people who have cursed God for these things but it's completely wrong and stupid to do it. None of this is His fault. If anything, no matter what the outcome is, my faith will only be that much stronger. My mother and I have both said that we'll accept whatever God's will is for my father... but we'll continue to pray and have hope for a miracle. We're realistic but incredibly hopeful at the same time. Last time they told me he had 3 months to live... and that was 2 years ago. Did I mention that I had to keep that to myself for months? Doctors can make predictions but only God knows when we will pass away. I'm not going to listen to any estimates they want to throw at us. All I'm going to do is pray... that dad, mom, and I get the strength we need to get through this. I've already felt more strength than I ever thought I had. I'm seriously owing my lack of panic attack to St. Dymphna.

I already have so many things I've got brewing in my head that I have to take care of. I'm happy dad agreed to the chemo (which he will start in 2 weeks from today). His new doctor, who is AMAZING and I'm pretty sure Catholic or Christian and pro-life, is going to keep him in the hospital for two days per week while he has his chemo done. I'm also grateful that dad refuses to go down without a fight. Now I know where I get it from. :) I am going to try to get my license in the next week or two, too. I need to step it up in that department. We have two cars, one of which is part mine, so I can use them to take dad to the hospital and pick him up while he has chemo. I'm also going to on with life as normally as possible for my parents' sake.

I've already been told by both of my parents that they forbid me to put school on hold yet again. I was originally supposed to graduate from college in 2006 (I graduated from high school a year and a half early :)) but I've taken years off to take care of dad in the past. I wanted to take the time off again but dad put his foot down and told me to forget about it -- I'm going to finish that degree by 2011 as is the current plan. I believe this is the reason why I decided early on this year (and late last year) not to attend UBC or Oxford this upcoming Fall. Well, the reason why UBC didn't work out (after that problem with the rude admissions lady) and why, despite my love of England, I just suddenly lost interest in attending Oxford.

Wednesday: It's a day later and things are surprisingly well. Thank you to all my friends on Facebook and twitter who told me they would prayer and/or have prayed for our family. Dad actually slept through the night without being in pain, which is rare. He's also in better spirits, as are my mom and I. Since my dad's still very fatigued, my good friend/bro drove me around to do some errands and to pick up some things for dad at the San Fernando Mission. I got him a St. Peregrine (patron saint of cancer patients) medal and prayer card. He's going to wear the medal along with his Sacred Heart and Our Lady of Guadalupe medal. :) (Btw, if any of you have a loved one or friend who is suffering from cancer, here is the novena to St. Peregrine) There is so much prayer and just devotion to our faith in this house... it's a complete 180 from when dad was healthy.

I've taken the time to process everything and I'm now, more than ever, ready to tackle whatever obstacle that stands in my way. I'm also grateful that we have so many people who are willing to help us -- from dad's new doctor to family and friends. I've even got friends who are lapsed Catholics started to pray again. Maybe what is happening is not just for our family, but perhaps it will help bring others closer to Him and the Church. If that's the case, whatever the outcome, it will definitely be worth it in the end. Now, if I can just get dad into confessions, for the first time in 40+ years... well, my mission continues and I will not give up. See? My stubbornness HAS returned. lol.

I think I will go work on the novel a bit, as well as read up on St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Eugene de Mazenod, and especially St. Toribio Romo Gonzalez. I dreamt about St. Toribio a few weeks ago and I FINALLY figured out who he was. Yes, it's like with St. Teresa of Avila all over again. First I dream the saint, then I have to go search for who the saint is until I find them. :)

Again, thank you all for your prayers. It means a lot to me and my family. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.
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Good vs. Evil Dreams.

Yes, it's another edition of "What Crazy Dreams is Emmy Having Lately?" I've mentioned several dreams on this blog before. Seriously just search "dreams" in this blog and see how many entries you come up with. I've devoted entire blog posts about them. You'd be surprised how many comments I've gotten about the dream of the end of the world, which I wrote about last year. I haven't written about any lately but I am still having them... but they're now mainly about a struggle between good and evil. I've lost count of how many I've had that has centered on a personal struggle with the devil. Sometimes I have help from saints like St. Benedict of Nursia or St. Teresa of Avila (I believe St. Pio of Pietrelcina also appeared a couple of weeks ago). Lately it's just been myself against evil.

A couple of days ago I had a dream where I made the devil really ticked off for saying the Blessed Virgin Mary's name out loud. I was in the backseat of a car apparently invisible to the driver and front passenger. I knew the driver (she's a former friend) so I didn't really think much until I heard her say that she was planning on doing something to make sure I had an accident/got hurt. As soon as I heard this, I jumped forward and grabbed her forehead and started praying for her. I prayed one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and one Glory Be at first. I noticed she was squirming when I got to the Hail Mary. The second round of prayers, I heard her voice change and her hands shaking. As soon as I got to the Hail Mary and said "Hail Mary, full of grace", I heard a loud grunt followed by a really peeved voice saying "Shut up. Don't say HER name." I replied with a "Oh, yeah? Well. HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE...", continued with the prayer, and kept repeating it until the girl (who apparently was possessed) lay there peacefully. During the prayers, though, I saw the devil who was in agony because I kept saying the Blessed Virgin Mary's name over and over again. He was REALLY mad at me, but I didn't care. I saw that he had talons that kept growing every time I said her name. I don't know why I had the dream, I just did.

That's just an example of a type of dream I've had lately. I've had a couple where St. Benedict of Nursia has physically appeared to protect me in my struggles against Satan. (One sticks out where, I believe, he placed his hand on my shoulder as I kept praying.) If it's not me actively fighting against evil, it's me getting "messages" to help stop two particular things which I can't mention because they aren't suitable for my under 18 readers. I've had two very vivid dreams where I've gotten the message from God (yes, I've dreamt Him specifically saying these things to me) to look at what these things are doing and to do something to help stop it. In one dream, God placed me in a city where there was sin EVERYWHERE. The entire place was red and black. I heard God say (and I'm going to paraphrase) "Look at everything here. This is all unacceptable and very corruptible" and something about helping "making it go away." A few weeks ago, again, I dreamt that I was fighting against someone because they were trying to spread these things to others. All I remember was feeling angry and disgusted, and knowing that God was upset and hurt by everything that was happening. I don't know why I am having these dreams. It could be because, yes, in real life I am completely disgusted by these things, but beyond that I don't know. It's not like I go to bed thinking about these things.

Where did my pleasant dreams of me talking to saints and priests go? I love those dreams. I miss my dreams of holding golden crucifixes, of being in a garden and in an all white Church dome while seeing many saints just walking around, talking to each other. I would love to have more dreams of the Child Jesus smiling and talking to me, or of having the Blessed Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ take turns pull me up and giving me hugs. I don't know what's going on. I do feel like I should really go talk to Fr. Leo about this, though. (Fr. John is no longer at my parish or else I would go to him. He loved my saint dreams. "Better than the movies" he would say.) Does anyone have as many dreams as I do... or as often? I don't know... it's all weird, but sometimes in a cool way. :D

Okay, well, that's it for today. Yes, another fairly short entry. :) I woke up feeling weak today (literally. I feel like I can't even hold myself up properly) so I'm going to try to rest as much as I can. Since it's St. Catherine of Siena's feast day today, I'm going to try to work on my novel a bit today. And, for the record, the female protagonist in the novel is named Catalina ("Lina" for short)... which is the Spanish version of the name Catherine. That was no coincidence. ;)

Hope everyone is doing well and staying healthy. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. Thanks to Claire from Musings of a Twentysomething who has helped me with my mantilla problem. :D I'll let you know if it works for me.

Merging Two Cultures; The Mission Continues; Catholic Blogs.

I interrupt my studying/homework thing for a much needed blog. Okay, so the blog isn't necessarily needed but I need this break for the sake of my sanity. I only have about two more pages to write (or roughly 500 words) and then I am done. So close... so close! lol.

I know it's not Music Monday, but, darn it, I am having music problems... sort of. It's music and cultural problems. First, I have to find a way to merge Mexican folklorico with Spanish flamenco into one dance. How I'm going to do that, I have NO clue. All I know is that if I don't find a way, there's a good chance I will offend either the Mexican or Spanish side of the familia. I've already been advised to just stomp my feet a lot. Haha! Yes, they have that in common but doing too much of that will only make my feet angry at me. I don't even want to think about the music, or even what I'll be wearing. Oy. I'll figure something out.

This is something I have to do quite often, and sometimes it's hard because I think there's still some bad blood between both countries/cultures. If I say I really want to go to Spain (especially for the World Youth Day in two years), but decline an invitation to vacation in Mexico, I get "the look". I want to eat posole but not paella, or vice versa, I get "the look". It doesn't help that when I speak Spanish I don't have an accent... and when I do, the dialect is more Spanish (Castilian) than Mexican. The only safe thing that I can talk about, without offending either, is the religion. Thank goodness both are primarily Catholic (though Spain seems to be more and more secularized than Mexico). I can show my love of St. Teresa of Avila (a Spanish saint) and St. Juan Diego (a Mexican saint) and have everything be fine. I love that there's no religious intolerance between these cultures.

While there are no religious issues between countries, I am still struggling with it in my family. One parent refuses to go to Mass (and even puts up a fight every Saturday I go to confessions and every Sunday I want to go to Mass). The other is a little more willing but I've probably gone to Mass by myself more often than not recently. I even volunteer to go to the Spanish Masses so they can go, but nothing. When I told my mom I was open to a religious vocation, a while back, she was against the idea. I have since then figured out that it is not what the Lord has in store for me, which made her happy. Her reaction, she says, comes from attending a Catholic boarding school and having to deal with "mean nuns" in her childhood. The only people that have had an influence on me have been my mom's Godparents (whom we don't see often), one of my paternal aunts, and my paternal grandmother (may God rest her soul). In fact, I still have a mantilla my grandmother handmade for me before she passed away a few years ago. She used to go to Mass every day with her veil. I remember her wearing them, when she took to take me to Church as little girl. There's something about that that I find absolutely beautiful. I've had a couple of priests ask me how it's possible that I'm so into the faith, while my parents are the opposite. Trust me, I don't know. All I know is that my mission to get my parents back to the Church continues. I've seriously made that my ultimate goal and I won't quit until I get them to come back. And if you know me well enough, you know I'm stubborn enough to get this to happen... eventually. Haha. I only use the "stubborn mode" for good. lol.

I should probably stop writing and get back to my homework. *groan* Just two more pages and I am done for the week. I'll only have one more class to work on (which I can finish in about half an hour) and I will have the weekend free. Whoo! :D Alright, I'm off to watch the Seattle Sounders vs. New York Red Bulls match... while I finish my Speech assignment. Yes, it CAN be done. It's impossible during a Liverpool F.C. match, especially with the amount of screaming, dancing, and celebrating I do (teehee :D), but for all others I can multi-task. :D.

Oh, before I go, I'd like to point out that I have a couple of new Catholic blogs listed. A few were requests and a few were added because I thought they deserved to get more readers; I liked all of them. If you're a St. Jude devotee (like me; he IS my patron saint, after all), St. Jude Novena Blog is a great place to visit. And, Verbum Veritatis (Word Of Truth) is one of my new favorites, as well. If I have yet to add yours, please let me know. I want to help y'all get more readers. :)

I'm stalling, aren't I? Okay, I'll shut up now. lol. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Anxiety Update; Optimism; Saint Dreams, Part... I Lost Count Again.

Anxiety has been down for the past couple of days! Whoo! I was even able to make it to Mass on Sunday and receive the Eucharist. The only issue I had was with the cold weather and the incense inside the Church. The cold caused me a bit of pain (which is why I've had to stay indoors since Sunday afternoon) and the incense made me very lightheaded. I stuck it out, though... even when I was going to get the Eucharist and I felt like my knees were going to to give in under me (that's how lightheaded I felt). But, all is good! :D

I've been trying to stay the eternal optimist I am throughout this whole thing... and through some issues I'm having with a certain family member/the lectures I've received about donating. :D I'm not going to sit here and throw myself a pity party, complete with a solo using the world's smallest violin. I knew, in the stages of planning, that this family member would be upset with me because "we need food and money, too" (his words, not mine). I cannot NOT give, though. I know I don't have loads of money or resources, and that I want to give more than I can, which (on top of the snide remarks and lectures) causes a bit of stress and bums me out. I was trying to find a way to say how I'm placing my faith in God (knowing He will somehow help me help others), without sounding redundant, but Matt beat me to it. He wrote a great post on his Fallible Blogma site that, well, it's like he read my mind. You're not reading my mind, right, Matt? lol. Go read the article he wrote and you'll see what I mean.

If you've read my blog long enough, you know that I have saint dreams on an almost daily basis. Multiple saints, the Child Jesus, St Teresa of Avila, St Benedict (many of him), Our Lady of Lourdes, and St. Bernadette have been some of the dreams I've written about. I've had more than just these dreams. I've even dreamt about the end of the world where I go through Purgatory. Anyway, I've had a couple of good ones lately so I thought I might share. (I know a couple of the priests I personally know get a kick out of them).

A few weeks ago, I had a dream about Feast of Santa Lucia (St. Lucy). There are different European traditions/celebrations of this feast day, but I dreamt of the Swedish tradition. I ended up somewhere, in a white tent with a bunch of cute, little blond girls with wreaths on their heads, and white gowns. I remember I was the only brunette in the bunch and they were yelling at me to hurry up and get dressed because I was the one who would walk with the candle lit on my head. So I got into a white robe, my hair had two braids that resembled the breads that they prepare during this time. Then the wreath with the white candles was placed on my head. They also gave me candies to put into my pockets. As I was about to walk out of the tent, ready, I woke up. What's funny about this is that I had NO CLUE that it was a Swedish tradition. I'd heard about this before but thought it was done everywhere. Makes sense that I would dream about little blond girls dressed like St. Lucy then. lol.

I also had a chat with one of the saints who was a nun, I've forgotten who is was, in a dream. A few nights ago I dreamt of Bl. Pier Giorgio and his sister for a brief moment. I think I also had a chat with St. Raphael Archangel a few nights ago. I definitely saw him in it. I've had a few other saints appear but I've lost of track of whom. I'll have to write them down when I wake up.

I've had several dreams featuring St. Benedict, and it's usually me asking for his help because someone did witchcraft on someone else, or it's the devil's work, and I want to get rid of that. I've had quite a few of those in the past 2 weeks. The last two nights, especially last night/this morning, I've had some crazy dreams where I am fighting against the Satan himself. I think I had St. Teresa of Avila with me in last night's dream, as well as an angel -- though I am not sure if it was St. Michael Archangel. Outcome was good. Still, I have more than my fair share of dreams where I am fighting off evil with the help of a saint or two. It's not often that I wake up from a dream, to get a drink of water or something, and then go back to sleep... to continue the dream. This morning, that happened. I was fighting evil, woke up, went back to sleep, and continued it. Yesterday, it was St. Catherine of Siena who was helping me with my struggle against evil. Yeah, some pretty good saints to have with you, even if they were just dreams.

Okay, now, I've been writing long blog posts lately so I am stopping here. I probably won't write for a day or two because I've been sort of pressured/inspired by a friend to keep working on my novel (so close to being done, yet nowhere near being done, lol) so I will work on that. Hopefully next post I will share with y'all the soundtrack that goes with the novel/screenplay so that y'all can try to figure out the scenes and plot. I bet none of you will get it 100% though. :-P

As always, thanks for reading, and God Bless.