7 Quick Takes Vol. 17: Study Breaks and Saint Dreams Edition

-- 1 --

I hope y'all enjoyed doing the St. Dymphna novena that was posted over the last couple of days. I failed to post the link to day 8 on the FB page but I know y'all knew the posts were still posted daily as I scheduled them ahead of time. ;) As I posted on the page, the Mary Undoer of Knots novena started yesterday via Pray More Novenas. If you haven't started it, there's still time. It's one of my all-time favorites and quite powerful.

-- 2 --

Speaking of the FB page, I've been more active on it because it's sometimes easier to get certain content seen than on Twitter. That and I'm trying to stay away from Twitter during the day. lol. I use Twitter for everything, not just Catholic content. I try to keep the content on the FB page purely Catholic so, in case you want more of that, please consider "liking" the page. ;)

-- 3 -- 

I can't believe my debut novel has been out for two weeks today... and it's still selling! That's still kind of crazy to me. Did you know that if you have Amazon Prime you can also "borrow" it? Seriously, I'm not about making money (and I would host a giveaway if it wasn't my contract with Amazon to not give it away); I just want young women (and fellas) to have something else to read that doesn't contain smut or any of the other problematic issues other novels have. The characters are flawed and they don't always make the best decisions but parents don't have to worry about their teenagers reading about "sexy times" or other questionable things. I personally like the sequel better but you need to read the debut to make sense of the second one. ;)

-- 4 --

As some of you might've seen on Twitter and the FB page, last week I had a very interesting saint dream. Basically, there were three saints: St. Catherine of Genoa, St. Catherine of Siena, and Bl. Pier Giorgio. Bl. PGF is a veteran (in terms of the number of appearances in my dreams) but it was the first appearance of both St. Catherine of Genoa and St. Catherine of Siena. I had actually never heard of St. Catherine of Genoa prior to the dream so the fact that she popped up was interesting. It's kind of how it happened with St. Teresa of Avila upon my reversion. Anyway, in the dream I had a sense of St. Catherine of Genoa wanting to help me, but I was unclear as to how. Then St. Catherine of Siena and Bl. PGF were there, by my side, because they were also going to help as well. I figured out what St. Catherine of Genoa is patroness of and it still amuses me because I'm currently trying to figure out a situation pertaining to my vocation. No clue what it means but I still laugh over the coincidence. lol.

-- 5 -- 

And while on the topic of the dream and coincidences, I figured out two very cool real life coincidences connected to the dream. First: Did you know that the female protagonist in my novel, Lina (Catalina), was named after St. Catherine of Alexandria... who appeared to St. Joan of Arc in real life? Yep. Guess who was born of St. Joan of Arc's feast day? This girl! I didn't even realize that until last week. Funny! Also, it just dawned on me that both St. Catherine of Siena and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (who appeared in my dream) are both Dominican saints... and I'm looking into becoming a lay Dominican. Loving the connections. ;)

-- 6 --

Update from my studies: I am drowning in the amount of reading, assignments, and exams I have to do on a weekly basis. :( So far I have all possible points in most classes (I got a 9/10 in one assignment for one class) but it's hard to maintain near perfect grades. One of my professors is allowing us to do quizzes an unlimited number of times because of how dense the material is and how much of it we have to memorize. I have two big exams coming up (one tomorrow and the other -- harder! -- on Monday morning) so I'm taking tonight through Monday morning to step away from social networks to really immerse myself in the material. I knew the program was intense (as will the grad school program; I'm in the post-baccalaureate program) but, goodness, I didn't know it was going to be this bad. I have 5 courses, too! I'll just offer it up. This is something I really want to do so I will work hard in order to achieve it. A little (or a lot) of hard work never hurt anyone. No, shush, let me believe that. lol.

-- 7 --

There's really not much to report on. My days are filled with lectures, note taking, reading, etc. I have been keeping up my daily prayers (except last Sunday morning; oops!) and I'm trying hard to examine my conscience on a daily basis so that I'm aware of my actions. Hopefully the Undoer of Knots novena I'm doing will help with that. Oh! And, thanks to Thomas Pringle, I learned about the Chaplet of St. Michael the Archangel! I knew about the scapular (blue and black; looks like a shield) but had no idea the chaplet was so good! :D I'm going to incorporate that (along with the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy) when I take my study breaks. Need to do prayer in between study to keep myself sane. lol.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

That's it for now. I need to go pick mom up from work and then turn in an assignment early (doing everything early this week) so I can focus on studying for my exams for the rest of the weekend. I hope y'all are doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

St. Dymphna Novena, Day Nine

Day 9: For Chastity

O God, lover of innocent souls, Thou gavest St. Dymphna the virtue of angelic purity which made her reserved in all her actions, modest in her dress, attentive in her conversation, upright in her character, so that she even shed her blood to preserve this precious virtue. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, we beg thee to bestow upon us the virtue of chastity that we may enjoy peace of conscience in this life and pure eternal joys of heaven hereafter. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

-------------------------------------------------

If any of you have any specific prayer requests and don't think you'll be able to do the novena, please let me know. :)

God bless,

St. Dymphna Novena, Day Eight

Day 8: For Temperance

O God, You made St. Dymphna resplendent in the virtue of temperance so that she mastered sensual inclinations and used temporal goods prudently. With temperance she combined the beautiful virtues of modesty, docility and humility. Let us not forget that humility is called the foundation of all virtue because it banishes from the soul pride, the obstacle to grace. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, we beg Thee to guide and direct us, so that being preserved from evil and nervous disorders, we may obey till death the commandments and counsels Thou hast given us. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times 

-------------------------------------------------

If any of you have any specific prayer requests and don't think you'll be able to do the novena, please let me know. :)

God bless,

St. Dymphna Novena, Day Seven

Day 7: For Fortitude

O God, rewarder of those who remain firm in their good resolutions, Thou gavest St. Dymphna such a love of virtue that she had the courage to suffer privation, persecution, and even martyrdom. Through her prayers we beg Thee to grant us fortitude that we may courageously and perseveringly overcome ourselves and finally conquer the enemy of our salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times 

-------------------------------------------------

If any of you have any specific prayer requests and don't think you'll be able to do the novena, please let me know. :)

God bless,

St. Dymphna Novena, Day Six

Day 6: For Justice

O God, source of eternal justice, Thou didst inspire St. Dymphna to flee from her country and her father in order to render to Thee that which was Thine. Through her intercession we beg Thee to make us seek after justice so that we may perform our duties toward Thee as we ought. Though Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

-------------------------------------------------

If any of you have any specific prayer requests and don't think you'll be able to do the novena, please let me know. :)

God bless,

St. Dymphna Novena, Day Five

Day 5: For Prudence

O God, ruler of the universe, Thou didst allow St. Dymphna to discover a helpful means of avoiding the evil intentions of her father. Through the merits of Thy holy servant, be pleased to grant that we may become, according to the words of Jesus, simple as doves and wise as serpents, so that through prudent advice and sound judgment we may recognize what we must do to achieve the great work of our salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

-------------------------------------------------

If any of you have any specific prayer requests and don't think you'll be able to do the novena, please let me know. :)

God bless,

St. Dymphna Novena, Day Four

Day 4: For Piety

God, Our Creator and Supreme Master, St. Dymphna served Thee with great zeal even in her childhood, by hearing Thy word with delight, by assisting at Holy Mass with fervent reverence, and by receiving Holy Communion from the hand of St. Gerebran with tender devotion. Through her intercession we beg Thee to grant us the same virtue of piety so that, having honored Thee during this life as our Creator, we may possess Thee hereafter as our final reward. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

-------------------------------------------------

If any of you have any specific prayer requests and don't think you'll be able to do the novena, please let me know. :)

God bless,

St. Dymphna Novena, Day Three

Day 3: For Charity

God of love, Thou art the most perfect Being, and Creator of all that is good and beautiful. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, who in her youth loved Thee above all creatures and for Thy sake loved her neighbor as herself, as the image and likeness of Thee, as the price of the Blood of Jesus and as co-heir of heaven, be pleased to help us by Thy powerful grace, that we may faithfully fulfill the two great commandments of charity not only in word, but in action and in truth. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

-------------------------------------------------

If any of you have any specific prayer requests and don't think you'll be able to do the novena, please let me know. :)

God bless,

St. Dymphna Novena, Day Two

Day 2: For Hope

Almighty and infinitely good God, Thou hast promised eternal salvation to those who obey Thy commandments and make zealous use of Thy graces. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, who fled from the danger of sin by leaving the palace of her father, and who, eager to gain eternal salvation, fled to Belgium to live in poverty, we beg Thee to grant that we also, who are striving for eternal happiness, may overcome all obstacles in the way of virtue and may attain eternal salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

-------------------------------------------------

If any of you have any specific prayer requests and don't think you'll be able to do the novena, please let me know. :)

God bless,

St. Dymphna Novena, Day One

Day 1: For Faith

O God, Source of our salvation, in the midst of a pagan people, Thou didst enlighten St. Dymphna by the light of the true faith, which she professed under the guidance of her holy confessor, Gerebran, with such constance that she suffered martyrdom. Through the intercession of these two saints, we beg Thee to strengthen the faith which Thou hast given us, so that by wisely subjecting our souls to Thy Supreme Authority, and by faithfully conforming our lives according to our faith, we may honor Thee with our whole heart and soul until the hour of our death. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times.

-----------------------------------------------------

If any of you have any specific prayer requests and don't think you'll be able to do the novena, please let me know. :)

God bless,

Post Number: 666. Topic: Superstitions.

*cue "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder*

This is a topic I've wanted to write for quite some time because I've seen how many superstitious acts are clumped together with Catholicism... and it's just not right! I am still learning about these things but I'd like to share what I've found in my research. The topic is too broad but I'll try to touch on as many things as I can.

Full disclosure: I grew up with very superstitious parents so it took me a long time to let go of the superstitious beliefs I grew up believing. Unlucky numbers (I hated the number 6), unlucky months (July and August were my worst), etc. It took some time to see that it was the anxiety that was talking and that I wasn't trusting God enough. That and someone once said "luck is for pagans" (which I still laugh over; thanks, Laurence). The deeper I grow in my faith, the less those superstitions make sense. The same goes for my mom. The more she learns, the less she fears and the more she trusts in Him. The number 13? Nope. Black cats crossing my path? I'll stop because I don't to crush the poor animals with my car before going on.

Now, let's get right into the facts. The Catechism of the Catholic Church has this to say about superstition: "Superstition is the deviation of religious feeling and of the practices this feeling imposes. It can even affect the worship we offer the true God, e.g., when one attributes an importance in some way magical to certain practices otherwise lawful or necessary. To attribute the efficacy of prayers or of sacramental signs to their mere external performance, apart from the interior dispositions that they demand, is to fall into superstition." (CCC 2111)

Where to start on the superstitions? Did some of you know that people sweep an egg over a child's body to remove the "evil eye" while praying Our Fathers and Hail Marys (called a "barrida" in Spanish)? Did you know that some people put "eye" bracelets on their babies so that the "evil eye" won't make them sick (called the "Ojo de Venado" in Mexico)? These are amulets though people don't call them that. Did you hear that you must touch a baby if you gush over how cute they are or else the "evil eye" will get them? All Hispanic superstitions. A lot of them involve using prayers to "counteract" the evil. I'm not saying doesn't exist -- it does -- but to do things that people believe will help them make things go their way? I draw the line there. Let's consult the Catechism again, shall we?

"All practices of magic or sorcery, by which one attempts to tame occult powers, so as to place them at one's service and have a supernatural power over others - even if this were for the sake of restoring their health - are gravely contrary to the virtue of religion.... Wearing charms is also reprehensible." (CCC 2117) See? Just say no!

Very devout people are not immune to this. Some believe that wearing the brown scapular 24/7 will save them from the fires of hell, as Our Lady promised. They believe that certain medals have the powers to keep all evil and/or misfortune away. Some ne'er-do-wells wear Rosary beads because they believe it'll protect them while they are up to no good. For students, if you ask St. Joseph of Cupertino to help you pass an exam and you don't study, don't expect to pass. It's one thing to ask for help if you can't concentrate, it's another to think that you'll get your way (without the effort) simply because you prayed for it. Doesn't work that way, loves.

Did you hear about the "Santa Muerte"? It's the "patron saint" of gang-bangers, drug lords, and those generally up to no good. Certain things must be done in order to "ensure" that things go the way people ask. They use Catholic prayers and try to pass it off as a Catholic devotion but it isn't. It's been condemned by Mexican bishops and the Vatican has warned the faithful not to participate in the "devotion."

I know some of you are on the fence about the St. Joseph home selling kits. Personally, I believe these things are superstitious. You're going bury a plastic statue of St. Joseph to help you sell the house? Really? I know blessed items are buried if they cannot be burned, but saying that a statue can control whether or not your house gets sold -- if you do things exactly as directed -- is superstitious.

If you're saying "well, where's the harm in that? It's just silly." Well, if you think it's silly, don't do it. When you participate in superstitious acts you're basically saying that YOU have control over the outcome of certain things instead of trusting God. I'm going to be somewhat bold and say that, in way, you're making yourself an idol by saying that you have some of the same powers God does; that you can control what happens because you had the power to. Trust me, you don't. Sorry but there's only one true God.

As I've said, it's too easy to fall into superstition. We all want things to go the way we want them to and rarely do we just accept that most things won't. We pray because we want things to go our way, and that's the wrong attitude to have. Sometimes we don't get what we pray for because it's not what's best for us. God has amazing plans for all of us yet, let's be honest, we can be impatient and we can be upset when our prayers don't get answered in the way we want them to. What's so wrong with trusting God? What's so wrong with not knowing exactly what's in store for us in the future? Just a few things to think about.

Anyway, that's it for now. I would go on and on on this topic but I have a movie/miniseries date with Julie (and her baby girl, Grace) to get to. OH! And I would like to say that if you do have some superstitions because you have OCD, don't feel about it; that is something you most likely can't control. My prayers will go out for you (and don't forget to ask St. Dymphna for her intercession; she's the patroness of these things).

I hope y'all are having a great week so far. If you have any prayer requests, send them my way.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Therapy, A Diagnosis, and My Superpower

I just returned home from my third therapy session. I'm open about this because a lot of people land on my blog searching for St. Dymphna and/or anxiety disorder. Y'all know I'm open (to an extent) about this because there seems to be a stigma attached to going to therapy and dealing with mental disorders. Yes, I said the dread "m d" words. If you've know me long enough (especially in person) you know that I don't exactly give me "sick!" vibe off because everything that happens to me is internally. In fact, I've been told that you'd never guess I deal with anxiety if I didn't mention it. That's a compliment of sorts but I'm still open so you have a face to put to the disorder.

Anyway, today I was told that they seem to officially think that I have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) which is a pretty serious anxiety disorder. However, now that I have a diagnosis (instead of the generic "generalized anxiety disorder"), I can start working on getting through the past experiences that have caused this and work on doing things out of my comfort zone (within reason) to get rid of certain fears that are elevated by the PTSD. You know that heinous teacher I had in high school that used to love to humiliate me in class or that jerkface guy who tried to force himself on me, months within each other? Both big factors in my PTSD.

If you're new to the blog and don't know the stories behind those incidents (I wrote about them but only found that one link), I had a History teacher when I was 14-15 who used to humiliate me in front of my peers... and used to fail my papers on the spot, without reading them. And the guy? Big jock who was well liked by everyone tried to force himself on me when we were alone. Nothing happened because I pushed him away (I may look small but I'm physically stronger than you might guess) and was able to get away. Nothing was done to them for what they did either. Of course. I mean, this is the school that did nothing when I told them (and presented physical evidence) when I was being sent death threats. All of this has played a role in my being afraid of certain situations and has thus caused anxiety. Now you guys know part of where that comes from. There are other things but this is what we're focused on now. I wasn't kidding when I've said I've endured some pretty harsh things but I'm still in one piece thanks to God. Now the trick is to do what I can to completely bury those situations in the past and to work on preparing myself for situations in which I feel threatened so I don't have panic attacks. Easier said than done but my therapist has confidence in me to be able to strengthen myself (mentally).

Even though I've only seen her three times and has known me for so little, she paid me the best compliment -- she said that I have a superpower and that superpower is my unfailing faith in God. The words "I wouldn't normally say this to a client but..." when she said it to me. How many therapists that aren't self described as Catholic would say that to their clients? Not even my two Catholic therapists that I had before said that. (side note: By the way totally crediting Our Blessed Mother's intercession for this because I've been praying about my anxiety in the current novena and I had my first therapy session with my current therapist on the penultimate day of the "petitions" part of the 54 day Rosary Novena. I'm sure St. Dymphna had a hand in that as well as I did a novena to her earlier last month as well.) So my superpower is my faith. What's yours? lol. jk. ;)

Our plan of attack (on the anxiety) is to use my faith in God. She (therapist) thinks I'm strong enough to try it without medication so, as Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati would say, "verso l'alto." She's going to help me prepare the tools I need to (God willing) overcome my anxiety... using my love of God and my trust in Him. Dear God, thank you so much for putting this woman into my life because she gets me and she gets where I draw my strength from. She's the second person to say that to me in less than 24 hours too. As she said (from observations and conversations), the world can come crumbling in around me but the one thing I won't lose is my faith in Him. My father's death? I clung onto the Cross. Illnesses? I accept and offer up the suffering that comes with it. Life throws me insane curve balls sometimes (exhibit A: past six months of stomach problems without a clue as to what causes them) but it only makes my faith stronger.

I have no idea what my therapist has planned to help me out but I'm pretty darn excited to find out. I feel like this is the long awaited answer to my prayers. I have a diagnosis, we're starting to figure out a plan of attack, and I'm going to apply the waterproof war paint because its on. She was the second of three people -- in less than 24 hours -- to tell me that I'm a lot stronger than I think I am (first being my adopted bro, Brandon). God, I got the message loud and clear. Thank you. I can do this. I will to do this. Let's use my stubbornness for good, shall we? lol.

So, there you have it. First step on the road to recovery. I will hopefully know my Upper GI results next Thursday and then work on getting physically stronger as well. By the way, that went well on Wednesday despite the horrible fast they had me on. I became a little sick yesterday from the barium they had me take (sometimes my system takes 24-48 hours to feel the effects of things) but that only lasted an hour or so. Today I'm still trying to get my stomach back on the 2-3 hours eating schedule my doctor has me on but it's manageable  :) I'm starting off Lent with a bang. I'm dealing with things that stress me out head on... but it's something I grateful for during this time.

Anyway, just wanted to share that. If it helps someone else with anxiety, I am willing to be open about my experiences. :)

I hope you all have a great weekend. If you have any prayer requests, send them my way. Seriously, I didn't have enough of them to offer up on Wednesday when I felt sick from the fast (borderline hypoglycemics FTW, lol). Even if they are general intentions without details, send 'em my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

What I Learned Wednesday #6

This is uber late and most of y'all won't read it but I'm posting it anyway. This should've been the 7th post but I skipped last week's. I also haven't written in almost a week. Oops. Well, I'm getting back on track so here we go. I'm only doing two proper ones since it is late and I'm tired.

1) This isn't so much about what I learned about the Faith as it is what I learned about my own relationship with my faith. I noticed that I had gone over the 9 days for the St. Dymphna and I thought I was just going to continue doing it until I saw myself getting a bit superstitious about it. See, I'd been praying it for nearly a month (for friends, family, and myself) and I should've been done last week but I kept going. I thought that it would bring me peace of mind but it really just made me feel safe. It took a couple of bad anxiety days (totally worth it to learn this lesson) to step back and realize what I had been doing. I would do the morning and night prayers and I started getting worried that if I didn't do them, I'd have a bad day. I'm pretty sure I have some OCD -- however mild it may be -- to be doing this and I could blame my actions on it but, really, it comes down to me. I should have really seen what I was doing. Luckily, as soon as I saw what I was doing, I stopped and I haven't continued since. This also reminds me that I should really write that post about superstitions.

2) St. Athanasius was an interesting man. I had a dream two days ago in which I was fighting evil forces (the Enemy) with the help of St. Benedict, St. Athanasius, holy water, and a random Franciscan monk. Fr. John was right, my dreams are better than the movies. lol. Anyway, in the dream, I kept praying and making the Evil One mad as I did it... and as soon as St. Athanasius came into my mind and I invoked his intercession, Evil One roared in anger. Yes, my dreams can be that intense. Having a dream about saints isn't new but St. Athanasius is kind of random. I remember him being briefly mentioned in one of my textbooks at the CINO college ('cause, you know, heaven forbid we learn about Catholicism at a "Catholic" college.../sarcasm) so I didn't know much about him. I ended up Googling him and read about his life and some of the controversies surrounding him. I feel like I just scratched the surface when it comes to learning about him but I definitely want to learn more.

3) I'm not doing the link up this week because I'm rethinking it. I've noticed only one or two people actually participate (even though more express interest in doing it). You guys know me, I hate spamming y'all with "link up! DO IT!" messages on twitter and FB. I'm not knocking other bloggers who do it but I just don't feel comfortable shoving the idea down people's throats nor am I popular enough to get it going like I would've wanted. I've asked and saw no effort so I may just keep doing this for myself and edit Alex's link into the post whenever he publishes his (which he's been doing weekly; whoo! go Alex!) :D And, anyway, I didn't think up What I Learned Wednesday to create a popular link-up. I wanted to keep tabs on my own progress and invited others to do the same. I'm happy seeing myself (and Alex, heh) grow in Faith which is better than nothing. :) EDIT: Alex's post is found here.

And that is it. I didn't have a super productive week because of health issues and because I've been busy with other things but it's only a minor setback.

Anyway, I have nighttime prayers and some light reading to do before I fall asleep.

I hope y'all are having a great week. Please load me up with prayer intentions as I'm kind of running out. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

What I Learned Wednesday #3

If you're following me on twitter or have "liked" the blog's FB page, then you know why I haven't been blogging and/or online much. Basically, I had computer and internet issues for 9 days. Last week's #WILW post was miraculously posted. lol. I'm actually having battery problems again (ugh, I just got a new AC adapter, c'mon now!) so this will be relatively short compared to the other posts.

 1) I found out that the pre-Vatican II version of The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary is on the iPieta app I installed on my iPod touch a long time ago. I was worried that I would not be able to pray it since I was using a webpage to pray the post-Vatican II version but it took some browsing on my prayer apps (yes, plural) to find it. I've also come to realize that I prefer it to the revised version. Even with the "thee", "thou", and "thy" (which, nerd alert, I don't mind), I think it's better. I find that the language makes the prayers and meditations easier than the modernized version. I appreciate what the Lord has done for me more and I find myself less likely to be distracted. I still want to get myself a book of The Little Office but I am very glad that I have the app in the meantime.

 2) I've been doing a couple of novenas, including one to St. Dymphna and the Christmas novena. I've been using a novena booklet I got at the local Pauline Books and Media for the St. Dymphna novena. It's unlike other novenas I've done. Much like the Little Office, there are morning and evening prayers. The morning prayers have me reflect on my petitions as well as reminding me to place all my trust and anxieties onto God and the evening prayers have me examine my conscience, ask for forgiveness, and give thanks to God for what He has provided for me. Basically, I am more conscious of my actions (what I have done and what I have failed to do) as well as what I usually overlook (i.e. a roof over my head, food in my belly, etc). I've been keeping y'all with anxiety, depression, and other mental afflictions in my novena prayers, whether you asked for them or not. ;) As for the Christmas novena, I have been praying the prayer since St. Andrew's feast day but I'm on day four of the actual novena as posted on EWTN's website. I am in love with the reflections and prayer. They remind me of what my dad used to focus on when he was younger (or, at least, what he told me of his time in Mexico).

3) I saw this picture on tumblr and it got me thinking about how when we pray, we occasionally give God deadlines. I've done it before (though now I just say "if it's your will" and patiently wait) and I know some people still do it. I think we often forget that, when we pray, we are asking God for something which may or may not be the best choice for us. Sometimes our prayers don't get answered in the way we ask because He has something better planned for us. We (our modern society) are so used to getting what we want, when we want, and it's hard for us to slow down. Since Advent is a time for us to slow down and reflect, I think this is appropriate.

I have a meeting via Google Hangout (God bless modern technology) in a couple of hours so I'm going to go try to figure out why the laptop battery isn't charging. Again.

I hope y'all have had a great week thus far. If you'd like to participate, please leave your link below. :D I'm leaving it up until 3 a.m. PST because of some friends in Hawaii. Giving y'all a chance. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

The Anxiety Chronicles: I'm Not Making It Up

First, I went to confession AND Mass for the first time in a month-ish this Saturday. SCORE!!! I seriously missed it. I cried when I received the Eucharist because I was SO happy to have the chance to do so. Having tummy issues for so long deprived me of this wonderful privilege we have as Catholics. I did feel a little faint but nothing too bad. :D

Second, I've been giving this some thought over the last couple of weeks and I feel like I should address is so that there is no miscommunication, any tension, or any hurt feelings... well, not anymore. I try to be open about my anxiety so that others who may go through similar things don't feel like they're the only ones, or that there's anything wrong with them. I went through the first couple of years without anyone to talk to about this so I know how horrible that feels. Having anxiety can make you feel like there's something wrong with you and that you can't be "normal" because of it. It sucks. Part of why I opened this blog was to help other Catholics with anxiety feel as if they were not alone. Thanks to God, I've been able to meet and help others in similar situations and for that I am very grateful. Sometimes they have medical conditions that trigger anxiety, sometimes it's a food allergy that brings it on (I just learned this), and other times it's past experiences that trigger the "fight or flight" response. Again, I share my experiences because I want others who may be experiencing something similar to take it in, think about it, and talk to their doctors about it. As of late, I've been wondering if I should just stop sharing my experiences... especially when people question me about whether some things are "all in my head." Let me give an example.

If you follow me on twitter or are a friend on my personal FB account, you know I will say "Oh, great... anxiety is back." What I don't say is "Oh, great... anxiety is back. Well, at least I know that my theory that *insert food* is the cause. I will try to not eat it again. At least the allergy is not worse." I already feel like I'm whiny for tweeting/posting about my anxiety but, again, if I can help others, I'm willing to turn the other cheek. In the past two months I've done experiments -- taking foods out of my diet and then reintroducing them to see if the anxiety comes back with it. I've found two foods that indeed aggravate the feelings of anxiety (including peanut butter -- one of the more common food allergies). The anxiety effect lasts for three days at most and then disappears. Can we say "Bingo!"? Same with medication. Some chemicals just do not agree with my body. My doctor since childhood (who, despite being a doctor and giving medicine when necessary) will tell me to avoid taking certain medications and to eat certain things when I'm ill because he's seen firsthand how meds and foods mess me up. (For those interested, I've also had the feeling like I couldn't breathe, have broken out in rashes, and a whole slew of other things when I've had an allergic reaction.)

Last night I took my first dose of a medication to help with my gastritis. It actually took me a couple of days to try it out because I wasn't sure if I had had an allergic reaction to a similar medication years ago (and they advised me not to take it if I had) or if I was given that similar medication but had not taken it. Since I still wasn't sure as of last night, I decided to try it out. Turns out, my first gut reaction that it was similar to one I'd had years ago might've been right because I woke up shaking and just not great. I took the second dose this morning and felt worse, complete with a shaking jaw. I mean, you could say it's anxiety but I know my body well enough to spot a reaction (however minor it may be). Countless trips to the emergency room due to food and medicine allergies have me prepared. Needless to say, I'm discontinuing it... at least until I can get a hold of my doctor and/or pharmacist tomorrow morning when I get my blood work done.

I share this because there might have been comments alluding that I'm making all of this up. I'm not naming names and I'm not attacking anyone in any way so please don't take it that way. This is just like a PSA to let you all know how I feel in these situations. As someone who is a little shy, a little self-conscience from years of bullying, and already feels like she's a huge burden on her family and friends because of this condition, I felt like those comments are discrediting what I feel (physically and otherwise). Not only that, but it makes me think that there is something seriously wrong with me and that no one wants to deal with me. Trust me, it was not my plan to get pale, feel as if I were going to faint, and worry my mother to the point where she couldn't sleep because it's "all in my head."

If you feel like I'm just being oversensitive or need a thicker skin, you may be right. Like I said, this is just how I feel. I am so sick and tired of having this condition. I didn't ask for it. I feel like (pardon my language) crap when I do get anxiety because my mom doesn't deserve that kind of worry. I don't enjoy getting sick. If I could make this go away, I would. And it hurts my feelings when people assume and/or discredit any illnesses or allergic reactions  as being anxiety and/or "all in my head." I'm not the only one who's had this problem lately either. I've noticed some other friends with allergies/anxiety having these same problems with some of their family and friends. We're not crazy or trying to get attention; our bodies just don't work the same way as others do. You try having anxiety for 12 years, and only now figuring out that a lot of the anxiety could've been controlled with proper food allergy tests (which I can't afford, btw). It sucks. Thankfully I've been pretty anxiety-free lately because I've taken certain foods out of my diet and I'm eating healthier. Any recent anxiety I might've mentioned has been as a result of my experiments to reintroduce the foods. As of right now, I am feeling some anxiety symptoms but those may because of a reaction to the meds (btw, my face and my jaw feel tight and odd... and my mom keeps checking in on me in case I get worse. Still think I'm making it up?)

In PSA fashion (which, again, I feel like this is): please be a little kinder when speaking to someone with anxiety... especially if you have no personal (you yourself) experience with it. Yes, I cry. Yes, I feel like poo when these things are mentioned. Yes, I can turn the other cheek... but I'm hope to bring a sort of awareness for the future. If you feel compelled to, then fine -- keep saying that I'm making it up. It'll hurt me but I'll pray for you and I'll move on quickly after. I'll take that kind of abuse but only if you agree not to do it to others. To those with anxiety, try to not let it get to you. I know it's easier said than done but try. Pray that St. Dymphna may intercede for you so that you know what it is that is causing your anxiety. And, BTW, a lot of my friends have had anxiety due to thyroid problems. Just putting it out there for future reference.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this off of my chest. Some of my more popular blog posts have gotten the traffic because people search for anxiety and Catholicism or anxiety and St. Dymphna. I hope some of this will help at least one person. :)

I'm going to go chug some water and try to do something productive while I wait to feel back to normal. :D Hope you all had a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

A Day With Anxiety: St. Dymphna, Pray for Us.

I missed my Women in Music class lecture (same one with the prof who seems to have it out for me) because of anxiety (same reason I mentioned in yesterday's post) so I thought I would give y'all an insight at what it is to deal with this illness. I've written about anxiety quite a bit before, and my St. Dymphna post is still one of the top posts, but I've changed and my coping techniques have changed so I wanted to share how things are now.

The past 24 hours can be summed up as being exhausting and unpredictable. The day starts off much like my previous day ends: feeling like I can't breathe. That's one of the many symptoms associated with it. Depending on what I have to deal with during the day is how bad it is. Monday through Thursday (while I have classes), I feel like I can't breathe during most of the day. When I first experienced this it was quite scary because I thought I would stop breathing completely. I had no idea what was going on or why. The thing is that I CAN breathe, I just feel like I can't. It's almost like if you have something heavy sitting on top of your chest and you are desperate to get it off but you can't. The more you think about it, the more panic sets in and the worst the anxiety gets. Thankfully I know that it is just anxiety (and I know what is triggering it) so I won't go into full panic mode but I have in the past. It's not fun... and it gets less fun with you're left completely exhausted.

After feeling like I can't breathe, I have to distract myself. As I said, if I think about it, it's only going to get worse and I may start hyperventilating so distractions are key. If I'm at home, I try to walk or do something mindless online until I feel better. If I can get in the car and drive somewhere (btw, NEVER drive while feeling anxious), I'll do that. Most of the time I feel like I need to get away for a little bit. If I'm in class, I have a tendency to draw on the margins on my notes. It helps me both keep my mind busy so I don't think about the anxiety and it also reminds me that I should attempt to pay attention in class. I actually do pay attention and write notes as part of my distraction but when I have nothing to write, drawing helps. Only one professor has ever been really rude and nasty about this technique I have in class... and it's my music prof this semester.

This was actually what made me cry a few weeks ago -- I was trying to not hyperventilate in class and she very rudely said something along the lines of "hello, Emmy, do you want to finish working on that project you're doing or are you going to pay attention?" It doesn't sound too bad but the way she said it and the look she gave me was just horrible. I was obviously trying to catch my breathing, and I most likely looked pale as I often do when I have a panic attack, so for her to just snap at me like that (btw, this is normal for me to experience from her on an almost daily basis) made things worse. It's things like this that make me feel like there's something seriously wrong with me.

No, it is not "normal" to feel anxiety that is this heightened. It is not normal to feel like you can't breathe. I also feel very physically drained despite a good night's sleep and that's also not normal either. Fainting spells? I get those too. However, it's my normal and it has been since I was 15 years old. My anxiety is not as bad as it once was -- driving and having that independence has helped so much -- but I still have my bad days. Yesterday it was a mixed day, today is worse.

One of the big reasons why I even started this blog was because I became very aware of how many people suffer from anxiety but don't speak up about it because of the negative stereotypes. I don't want to be like that. I want to show people that it is possible to live with anxiety (and I don't take medication for it). No, we're not crazy. I have my silly moments with friends but there's nothing "seriously" wrong with us. Some of us have anxiety because thyroid levels are abnormal. Some of us (like myself) have anxiety because of traumatic experiences.

Without going into a lot of detail, I've had some pretty hard things to deal with growing up. What triggers most of my anxiety in social and school settings is feeling like I'm trapped. I had social anxiety (I couldn't be in crowds or even away from the house) when I first got sick and now it's classified as generalized anxiety and panic disorder. The reason I got anxiety was because I had a history teacher during my freshman year of high school (first and last in public HS) that loved to humiliate me in class and allowed students to attack me. That was a time when I couldn't leave the classroom without permission; I felt trapped and so every time I feel trapped or that an authority figure is unfairly picking on me, the anxiety goes crazy.

I've done Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (that's when you think about what you're going through and analyzing the situation to get a rational answer as to why you shouldn't be feeling anxious) and I've learned coping techniques but being in my Music course this semester has reminded me of being in that freshman year History class. My Music prof reminds me of that horrible History teacher -- down to the looks and mannerisms, so it's not a surprise that I've felt the way I do. I know that it's not the same but it being so close to graduation I feel like if I don't end up graduating because of grades it'll be because of her. I try to work so hard to do well in my courses and if my hard work doesn't get my that degree that I've spent years trying to finish because one professor just doesn't like me... I will be devastated. It's that uncertainty that has made me an anxious/weepy/mopey mess.

I'm going to be doing a St. Dymphna novena (since she is the patroness of those afflicted with anxiety) because it's hard. I love school. I don't like missing courses, especially because of anxiety... but the thought of going to class and having this professor just go after me is not helping. And before anyone asks, I've already let my academic adviser know what was going on (especially since I ended up missing my Thesis meeting because of all of this) and I will let others, higher up, know if it gets worse. I don't want to get her into trouble,and I hate confrontations with a passion, but I also don't think it's fair that I am treated the way that I am. I did nothing wrong so I don't get it. I will pray not only for myself but for those who have anxiety because of reasons that are much worse. There are always people who have harder lives and just because I myself am dealing with this doesn't mean that I should be selfish and not think about what they are experiencing as well. I also invite you to pray for them. I have less than 2 months of this to endure at the CINO college but they may have no end in sight for the near future. I need to constantly remind myself that this is temporary and that everything will eventually get better.

Anyway, sorry if this was kind of a downer post but I felt like sharing it. A lot of people don't know what it is to deal with anxiety, or what may trigger it, and I wanted to give y'all an insight at why I am currently experiencing anxiety. I was to dispel negative stereotypes and I hope that some of you will be a little more conscientious about not passing along those stereotypes. We're just like y'all... we just have a little extra to deal with is all. :)

I hope y'all are doing well and that your week has gone a little better than me. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)

Feeling God's Love Despite Food Poisoning and Attacks

The reason why there were no posts the 24th or yesterday were because I spent the night of the 24th into the 25th, most of yesterday, and part of today in bed with food poisoning. A neighbor made these really delicious tamales but, of course, they made me sick. I felt absolutely horrid yesterday so that is why I didn't get a chance to post the last two blog posts I had planned. I started one on the 24th but I fear the information is now irrelevant so I decided not to post it. Basically, it was about the Christmas traditions we were going to have yesterday but since none of them happened... well. You got it. :) Ah, well. Que sera, sera.

I didn't attend Mass yesterday because of how badly I felt. I think I felt worse that this was the 5th consecutive Christmas (since my reversion) that I hadn't gone to Mass. The first three years I couldn't attend because I had major anxiety and I could barely leave the house (yes, it was that bad). I was sick last year too (a combo of anxiety and something else). I couldn't have gone though; not in the state I was in yesterday. If I wasn't lying down, I was in trouble... and even when I was lying down I felt sick. I'm actually still experiencing a bit of stomach cramping as I type this out but I'll be fine. :) It's sad though. Something always gets in the way of Christmas Mass. :( One day it'll happen. :)

On the bright side, though I've been attacked lately (more on that in the paragraphs after this one), I felt (and still feel) God's love throughout the whole thing and that's the wonderful thing about Christmas. You may be in the crummiest situation but you know that things will still get better because God wants what's best for you. Whether you're sick, you get your heart broken, or are financially strapped, you know that God will pull you out of it at some point. Isn't that what Advent and Christmas are about? Focusing on the hope, the love, the joy, and the peace that comes with the birth of Christ. Because he was born, we know that knowing is impossible where God is concerned.

It's kind of funny that I feel like I've been experiencing spiritual attacks for the past couple of weeks yet I still feel this way. Apart from the food poisoning, the personal attacks, the number of nightmares I've had all Advent in which I find myself battling against the evil one (and in one of them, he laughed in my face until I started praying a Hail Mary and then he got mad) and all of that, I still feel God's love. My worst weaknesses, which make me most prone to sin (which I haven't given into), have been attacked as well. Think of your weaknesses and multiply them by about 50 and you have my situation. This is not unusual for me; I usually experience this during Advent and Lent but, still, not happy. I am already in need of confession because I lost my temper recently but it could've been worse. Much worse. Side note: By the way, I am not being scrupulous when I say I need to go to confession for this particular thing -- though I was certainly accused of it on Christmas Eve. I know my faults and my weaknesses and I know that certain things, though they may not seem "so bad" to some people, I need to confess on the urging of my confessor so that I can be more aware of it in the future (and thus avoid it if I am able to).

Oh, and by the way, I do share some pretty personal things on this blog but it's all been things I've felt like sharing. Before I get more into this I'd like to say: wow, I cannot believe this blog is 4 years old as of yesterday. I got the idea on Christmas Day 2007 to open this blog a year into my reversion to sort of keep track of how I was doing. The topics and my style of writing has changed from the early days. It's been nice to be able to go back and read the first couple of posts. I was so different back then. I really did not know what I was doing but I tried. I still don't know what I'm doing but that's okay. lol. My first readers were my best friends. Now I have readers I don't personally know from all over the world (I think I've reached all continents, except Antarctica, at this point) but whom I now consider part of my little online world. :)

For the past couple of weeks I've been wanting to take this blog in a slightly different direction: have it be a little more faith based. It's going to be one of my New Year's Resolutions. I want to get back on track of my original purpose. I think some of you have noticed what I'm talking about, especially with the last couple of posts. Things will be and look slightly different come January 1st. That's all I'm saying. Y'all will just have to stay tuned and see what I mean. ;)

Okay, going back to what I was saying: like I said in my failure post, I make a lot of mistakes and if a mistake of mine can help someone else avoid making that mistake, then I am fulfilling the whole reason why I even started this blog in the first place. Up to that point, I didn't know of any other blog that had any sort of personal stories about having anxiety/panic attacks and having it tied with Catholicism or faith in general. A lot of my early posts were about this topic (the St. Dymphna post remains one of most viewed to date). My anxiety is no longer as bad as it was then (though I know it's going to be a lifelong affliction I will have to deal with) so the posts aren't as frequent. My life at the moment is about school and how my mistake in choosing the CINO college is affecting me. I'm sure if I'm still blogging when I get married and have my children I will write about that.

I've always wanted to write things that other people wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable writing to show others that if they're going through the same thing, they're not alone. My anxiety posts introduced a lot of people to St. Dymphna and I am so happy that God used me to help them in some way. I've had two people tell me they sought help for their anxiety (one ended up being thyroid related and other other got counseling) and that is the reason why I started blogging. How many of us have felt alone when we thought we were the only ones going through something? How many of us felt despair during those times? No one wants to talk about suffering anxiety because of stigma attached to it but I didn't care as long as it helped at least one more person. Likewise, I write about stuff I stink at and things I learn from mistakes I make because I want to show that it's possible to be completely flawed but still have an ardent love for life and for God. As I wrote on my Google Talk status yesterday: the love between God and I is something that nothing will be able to damage, no matter what dumb I thing. He's going to love me no matter what and I'm going to try to live my life in a way that shows that I love Him too.

As I've mentioned before, I don't share everything because I feel like there are certain parts of my life that should be kept between myself, the other person, and God. By this I mean, I will very rarely talk about my own relationship stuff because I'm notoriously private about it. There's even a running joke between my closest friends that I will probably marry and have children and people won't find out about it until my children are grown. lol. There are a number of other topics that are off-limits so please don't be offended if you tweet, comment, or email me a question and I don't want to answer. It's not personal against you, I'm just not comfortable talking about it.

Also, please don't so negative and hurtful with some of your comments. You might be having a rough day or something but please don't take it out on me. I was personally attacked twice on Christmas Eve for something I shared and it wasn't too pleasant. I feel like we should stop judging each other (especially when we don't have all the facts to make those judgments with) and really support one another because no one is perfect and we all undoubtedly mess up from time to time. There is no reason why, during one of the most special times of the year that should be filled with love and happiness, we should feel like it's okay to be so negative towards each other. Hugs, not hate, people. :)

Okay, and now this blog post is longer than intended. I'm sorry. lol. That is what happens when you're in bed for almost 48 hours. :)

Anyway, I hope y'all had a wonderful Christmas full of love, warmth, and all that goodness that makes these days special. :D Oh, and please don't forget to vote for the patron saint for 2012. There are only 3 full days left to vote so please get 'em in. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Quick Update: Anxiety During Mass

Yes, it's been a long time between posts. Sorry but the anxiety has come back in full force and I have sort of had to remember how to deal with the symptoms all over again. As I had not had any panic attacks or anxiety in months (since before the New Year, if I remember correctly) I had forgotten some of the symptoms. Lately it's been the feeling like I can't breathe because my chest feels like something heavy is sitting on it and, in the past three days, I now have the nauseous-no appetite symptoms that then bring dizziness. Oh yes, it's been fun!

The symptoms started shortly after I returned from my little nerd vacation in which I focused on myself and on my relationship with God. I got sick with that horrible throat infection that I JUST fully recovered from this week (yes, it took almost a month to get better) and shortly after that the anxiety began in full force. I've also had some other things happen since I began the 54 day Rosary novena two weeks ago -- which is usual; I always have a rough two weeks when everything that can go wrong does go wrong. I've missed about a month worth of Masses because of either the infection that had me stuck in bed for nearly two weeks or the anxiety that was so bad, I couldn't leave the house.

When I decided to stay for Mass after confessions, today, I was fine. As soon as it came time for the Mass to start, though, I started feeling like I couldn't breathe. That lasted about half an hour. When it came time for the consecration of the Eucharist I started feeling dizzy and like I was going to faint. I actually had to sit down for a little while. But, stubborn as I am, I said "No! I will not give anyone or anything the satisfaction of my not receiving the Eucharist!" And so I stuck it through and indeed received the Eucharist. As the priest was leaving, I felt as if were to faint so I immediately sat down again. After Mass I felt fine again. Go figure. Anxiety stinks and it's unpredictable. I refuse to let it keep me from Mass though.

Anyway, just wanted to give y'all a little update and let y'all know why posts were lacking. It's not that I don't want to write... most of the time I'm just pacing around the house, trying to get my breathing down to normal or trying to distract myself with physical work to get my mind off of the anxiety. I may tweet or FB message but I do that as I am pacing via my iPod touch.

Please pray, not for me, but for those who have just started suffering from anxiety. I have many friends whose anxiety have gotten so much worse (the way it was with me prior to my reverting to the Church) and it's sort of new to them. For them, please pray that God may give them the tools needed to get through what they're going through. St. Dymphna, pray for us all!

I hope y'all have been well and that summer has been kind to y'all thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

So, We Meet Again.

Sorry for the lack of updates in the last couple of days but I've been dealing with a hectic schedule as well as other things that have made me say "So... we meet again." Amongst these things is anxiety.

Of course it had to come back after I said I'd been fine... and I had been fine. I tend to try to come up with a rational reason why it's come up (which helps keep it controlled) but the fact that I've been dealing with it again for the past couple of days really stinks. With my birthday coming up, not having my dad here for another year (and the anniversary of his death not too far away), with the stress of having all these expectations on me to do things and be certain way, with the pressure to decide my future NOW... it's really no wonder I have the amount of anxiety I do.

I don't think anyone really understands what it feels like unless you yourself have anxiety. There are so many different ways one feels the anxiety. At the moment I have this feeling that I am sort of stuck in an overwhelming crowd with no way of getting out and a deep desire to get away from the crowd. That's the best way I can describe it. I feel like I'm stagnant where I am -- when it comes to my academic career, my chosen career, and even my spirituality and I have no clue as to where to go. And before anyone says "Just trust God and pray," trust me, I do this but when you are experiencing anxiety and it's as bad as it is (for me) right now, it's really hard to focus. It's not easy; not impossible but not easy.

I've written several times about anxiety (simply search "anxiety" on this blog and you'll see the posts) and how I don't see it as something else than a blessing. I've gotten criticized for this but I've always felt that there has to be a reason why I have anxiety (although I know what past experiences have caused it to actually get to the point where I have panic attacks) and I, in a way, welcome it. Whether it means I can offer up my panic attacks for someone or something or whether it reminds me of what is truly important (God and doing things for Him instead of my selfish self), I would rather think of the anxiety as a blessing than a curse.

Last night and today (when it's been particularly bad but not as bad as it has in the past) I was thinking that maybe this anxiety is what I need at the moment. I feel like I've been selfish and not focused enough on what is important and this may be a sign to slow down and re-evaluate some things that have been causing me anxiety lately. As I said, I feel like I've been stuck when it comes to my relationship with God... like I need to take the next step to strengthen that relationship but I have no idea where to start. I don't have a spiritual director (and my search for one has not gone too well thus far) which makes things slightly more difficult. Thankfully I have something coming up this weekend that the Daughters of St. Paul are hosting and it couldn't have come at a better time.

Anyway, I'd like to ask y'all to please pray for me 'cause I will need them in the next couple of days. I haven't had a panic attack (thank God!) because I've been able to keep them at bay with tools I was given when I was in cognitive-behavioral therapy but it doesn't mean that it couldn't happen. More importantly, please pray that I get out of this feeling of being stuck. At this point I care more about my spiritual health than anything else because I feel that as soon as I get it sorted, the anxiety will also subside.

I hope y'all have had a good week thus far and that it will continue to be well or get better. If you have anything plaguing you, let me know so I can hopefully offer up my anxiety for it. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Jesus, Take the Wheel

A week ago today I got my driver's license. I often get asked why it took me so long to get it and the answer is simple: anxiety. Yesterday was St. Dymphna's feast day but I'm taking Sundays as a day of rest from everything (including blogging) so I didn't write anything. Needless to say, I believe that is through her intercession and, really, God's grace that I have been able to get progressively better just in the last year alone. I haven't had a full blown attack in months (I believe that not since before the New Year) and it's been both very freeing and a bit of a challenge.

I always thought of my anxiety as more of a gift than a burden. Somehow I felt closer to God when I was going through my panic attacks. I used to offer up the very worst ones for whatever or whomever needed them. Now that I don't really have them anymore, I have a sort of challenge of finding myself again because anxiety and the panic attacks had been so much a part of me for the past decade.

Halfway through my behind-the-wheel test, while I was nervously trying to focus on the examiner's directions, this song title came to mind: Jesus, Take the Wheel. I took a deep breath and inwardly said "Okay, God, if I don't pass this driving exam it's because I'm not supposed to yet. If I'm going to hurt someone or myself, then I accept not passing." I immediately relaxed. A few minutes later I pulled into DMV parking lot and the examiner congratulated me on having passed my exam. I was beamed and I thanked God. (side note: I actually drove to church later in the day and knelt before the tabernacle and thanked God, as well as kept my promise to the Infant of Prague.)

I've found myself having a lot of these "Jesus, Take the Wheel" moments in the past couple of months which may explain why the anxiety has also lessened. Though I still stress about things, I eventually let them go and say "Your will be done, Lord." It's hard not to have anxiety (strange but true) but it gets easier remembering that if you put your trust in God, everything will work out. I've always said that I believed that everything happened for a reason but it was never truer for me.

Anyway, I thought it would be fitting to include Carrie Underwood's song in this post since it was this song that's been sticking in my head for a while now and because it's Monday and I like to have Music Mondays when I can. :) And, I will admit, I cried while watching the video... especially the part with the older gentleman and his wife because I did the same thing the gentleman did but only in my case it was my father and I so it brought back those memories.



Anyway, I am not feeling 100% so I'm going to try to take it easy today. :) I hope y'all have a great start of the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D