My Lenten Plans: The "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020," Silence, and Self-Care

For weeks, I've been thinking about what I was going to give up or add for Lent. There were so many options because there's so much I need to work on. After taking everything into consideration I decided to do three big things: "the great entertainment purge of 2020" (and, yes, it's as crazy as it sounds), embracing silence, and focusing on self-care -- all of which I'm horrible at but desperately need.

After listening to this inspiring sermon on the 7-Week Challenge to Conquer Technological Idolatry on the Sensus Fidelium YouTube channel last week, I decided to take up this challenge and thus my first big penance/goal was born. After reading Pope Pius XI's Papal Encyclical on Motion Pictures (Vigilanti Cura) -- which was mentioned in the sermon -- I decided to give up the majority of entertainment for Lent. As someone who turns to distractions such as social media, movies, and TV shows when anxiety, boredom, or illness strike, this is going to be hard for me.

I know I will get criticism for "going to the extreme" but I've decided to extend this beyond Lent. In  fact, during this Lenten season, I'm going to do what I'm dubbing to be the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020." All movies, TV shows, music, and books that are problematic (for me) and will cause my mind to wander to dangerous territory is getting thrown out. No, not donated. Thrown out. That means I will be throwing away hundreds of dollars worth of material but I don't care. I cannot, in good conscience, keep these things around. And, it's not going to be easy.

One of my favorite (if not my favorite) Gene Kelly musicals, On the Town, will be the first to go. Why? Have any of you watched it? It's lovely with the dancing and the singing... but there's so much alluded to and implied that is, well, unchaste. Yes, go ahead. Judge me. Call me a prude. Tell me that I'm being too scrupulous and/or unrealistic for wanting to give up all forms of entertainment that contain these things but I just can't keep them.

When I decided to get serious about discerning the vocation of consecrated virginity, I also decided to be even more mindful of what things I consumed. When I really stopped to take inventory of the type of music I listened to (and really listen to the lyrics), what movies and TV shows I watched, and what books I read, I could see where I wasn't being as careful as I probably should have. And, again, yes, you can call me scrupulous but it just doesn't sit well with me.

I've been examining my conscience and my heart for some time now and I've come to realize that, because of my wildly active imagination, I can very easily fall into the temptation to have unchaste thoughts due to the media I consume. I've gotten better at it but it's still a struggle for me. I know how my mind works; I know how easily my mind jumps from one thing to another and stays on that thing until it's distracted by something else. I know how these things linger in my mind or will come up again, even years later. I don't want that. I want a clean heart and mind. I can't achieve that if I'm constantly remembering things that dirtied up my mind; things that I shouldn't have seen/read/heard in the first place. That is why I'm doing it.

Of course, this goes with my second (of three) big Lenten plans: embracing silence. These last 3 weeks since I returned to social media post-digital detox month have shown me how much I miss that silence I felt during that month. I also cut my entertainment consumption during that time and I saw the fruits it bore. It put me in the right state of mind to begin doing good research of my vocation discernment and to find that peace I was looking for. Taking my beloved Monks of Norcia (my spiritual family/home) as inspiration, I decided not to speak (or write... or tweet.... or text...) if it's either not necessary or doesn't help or edify anyone.

We're so afraid to be silent and alone with our thoughts but it's in that silence that we can hear God speaking to us. The Monks of Norcia started using sign language to limit verbal communication and only to communicate the important things and I think that's beautiful. I want (and, I'll be honest, crave) that silence now more than ever. Not only for my discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity but also in other important things I need to do, such as consider a change in career and in my attempts to really do what I can to get myself healthy.

I've read enough research and studies that all state that silence (read: lack of constant stimulus) and rest can have great health benefits, especially for someone who is chronically ill and/or in recovery mode. Since my current recovery process is still in its early stages and it's going by much, much slower than after previous relapses, I decided that my third Lenten penance/goal is to focus on self-care. And, as if I needed another "sign" that this was what I needed to do, this excellent article on what to give up for Lent (based on your temperament) by my fellow epicPew writer, Chloe Langr, really inspired me to go for it.

As a melancholic-phlegmatic (I'm apparently no longer a phlegmatic-sanguine), the article suggested I prioritize self-care and practice saying "no" and creating healthy boundaries (for melancholics) and give up pushing the snooze button (as a phlegmatic; I'm totally guilty of doing this several times each morning). That shouldn't seem like a big deal but those who know me know how hard it will be for me to go through with these things. I tend to sacrifice sleeping, eating, resting, etc. for others. If someone asks me to do something, I won't rest until it's done. It's that people-pleasing habit that hasn't fully gone away. The only time that I allow myself to take care of myself is when I'm so sick that I cannot do a good job at what's needed... and even then, I feel super guilty for not doing it. As the article correctly states, I have a hard time saying "no" and I need to. As I said earlier, my recovery this time around is worryingly slow than usual so I need to really take care of myself. How can I be of service to others if I can't even function?

Self-care is going to mean going to bed at an earlier time so I can get plenty of rest and not have the temptation to hit the snooze button in the morning. It also mean really pushing forward with the reintroduction of new foods into my diet (we've added 3 new things since the last time I mentioned it but I have to eat them sparingly as too much and/or too often makes me feel sick), drinking 8 cups of water instead of my usual 6, and not pushing my mind or my body to do more when I feel tired. It means no taking on any more commitments than I already have.

Of course, all of these things are going to be tied into one big thing that I'm adding: more time in prayer and more time with God.

I already mentioned the benefit of the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020". Yes, I will be using that as a hashtag on social media during Lent.

When I need to be distracted? More prayer time or reading a spiritually-fulfilling book. If I get bored, I'm going to allow myself to be bored. Radical idea, I know. lol. I don't remember what article it was, but I read that getting 2 hours of silence per day and not having any additional stimulus is good for your health. It'll also be an excellent time to talk to God about what is on my heart and mind.

Motivation to go to bed earlier and not hit the snooze button? Early morning daily Mass. I'll go each morning that I'm feeling physically well enough to attend in person and I'll watch it live when I'm homebound. That and every chance I can take to go to Adoration, I'm taking. Again, I don't know how often this will happen with my chronic fatigue and my lack of car (though this should soon be fixed!) but it's a great motivator!

Motivation to practice self-care; to drink and eat better? My Oblate retreat in a couple of months. I want to get healthy enough to go to the retreat and be able to attend all the Masses, prayer times in the chapel (read: Divine Office hours), and talks without worrying about my health being a factor. Also, since I will be traveling for the retreat, I'm going to have to get used to an earlier bedtime and wake-up time since it'll be in a different time zone.

And, those, ladies and gentlemen, are my big Lenten plans. If you're wondering where social media fits into it -- I'll still be active but I'll have restricted hours. I set up my Freedom app (yes, that's an affiliate link) to block out all social media, news, and entertainment content from 4 a.m. - 5 p.m. during the week and 4 a.m. to 2 p.m. on weekends months ago but I may add another 2-4 hours to those schedules during Lent. I don't *need* to be on social media for that long; it'll defeat the whole purpose of being silent and only communicating good things. When I need to post links, I'll keep using HootSuite. I'll reply to messages on social media, but only in the evenings and nights. I'm limiting my time for both my own sanity and as penance.

So, those are my Lenten plans. What are yours? I can't wait to see what y'all have come up with!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat and drink something because I haven't had much of either all day and it's a quarter 'til 4 p.m. Oops. Did I mention I'm terrible at self-care? Yeeeah. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

How to Make Capirotada for Good Friday (Recipe)

(Originally posted on EpicPew, March 30, 2018.)

When my late father was alive, he used to make a delicious dessert called capirotada. I never realized the significance of it or its ties to the Lenten season until after he passed away. While this traditional Mexican dish is served throughout Lent, it’s most appropriate to on Good Friday. “Why?” you may ask. Because each of the ingredients is symbolic of what we commemorate on Good Friday.

Capirotada reminds us of Christ’s suffering on the cross. The cloves used in the recipe reminds us of the nails used to crucify Christ on the cross and the cinnamon sticks represent the cross. The syrup is symbolic of the precious blood and the melted cheese reminds us of the Holy Shroud used to cover his body when taken down from the cross.

While there are many different recipes floating out on the internet, I found out that closely resembles the one my own father used.

Here is the recipe (taken from Mexican In My Kitchen) you can use to make for yourself:

Ingredients

• 12 Ounces About 1 1/4 cup of piloncillo or dark brown sugar
• 1 1/2 cup of water
• 1 stick of cinnamon
• 2 cloves
• 3 Tablespoons of melted butter
• 3 Tablespoons of vegetable oil
• 16 slices 1/3” thick of Bolillo (French bread)
• 3/4 cup of Cotija Cheese
• 1/4 cup of roasted peanut
• 1/4 cup raisins
• 2 tablespoons of butter cut in small cubes

Instructions

Preheat oven at 350F. In a medium-size pot place the Piloncillo, cinnamon stick, cloves, and water. Place in the stove and melt in medium heat. ( If you have a hard time cutting the piloncillo for the amount needed, place it in your microwave for intervals of 30 seconds until it is softened enough to cut. Be careful while removing it out of the microwave since it gets extremely hot.)

Mix the melted butter with the oil and brush over the slices of bread. Place in a baking tray and bake 8 minutes and then turn over to bake 5 more minutes. The bread should have a deep golden color.
Start assembling the slices of bread in a round ovenproof dish. With the help of a ladle slowly pour syrup over the bread making sure the bread absorbs the syrup, do not let it go to the bottom of the dish in order to have enough syrup to moist all the bread pieces. Better yet dip the bread into the syrup to get an even moist crumb.

Top the first layer of bread with cheese, raisins, and peanut or any other fruit or nuts you would like to add according to the suggestions given above or your own.

Place another layer or bread and continue the process as in step 4.

Pour the remaining syrup over the last layer of bread and top with the cheese, raisins, and peanut. Dot with the 2 tablespoons of butter cut in small cubes. Cover with aluminum foil and bake in your preheated oven for 45 minutes until the top crust is golden and the lower layers are moist. Serve warm or cold.

Recipe Notes
some variations to this recipe:
• Fruits are also found in some recipes, the most common are fried plantain, bananas and apples.
• Prunes, cranberries, or other dried fruit are also used instead of the raisins, even shredded coconut.
• The same applies to the peanuts, any other nuts like almonds, pecans, walnuts, pine nuts are used.
• Other cheeses used as a substitute are Mexican Manchego, Monterrey Jack, and Mild White Cheddar and even parmesan mixed with Mexican Queso Fresco.

Growing in Trust: My Theresian and Marian Lenten Lessons

“Are you crying because you want to do God’s will or you want God to do your will?”

That's what St. Frances of Rome's confessor asked her when she objected to getting married and asked God to please help her become a nun instead. This is also a phrase that has often popped up in my mind this Lenten season. Don't worry, I won't repeat what I wrote about my impatience and will versus God's will. Instead, I'm going to share something I keep "learning" this Lenten season with a little help from both of my co-patronesses for the year: Our Blessed Mother and St. Therese.

I've been having a very Theresian Lenten season. She's been popping up in my life so much since late last year that I've taken to learning as much as I can about her life this season. I started with the same Lenten book I've been using for the past (nearly) decade, A Lenten Journey with Jesus and St. Therese of Lisieux by Fr. John F. Russell, O. Carm. Then I moved onto A Family of Saints: The Martins of Lisieux‐Saints Thérèse, Louis, and Zélie by Stephane-Joseph Piat (side note: major family goals!) and My Sister, St. Therese by Sr. Genevieve of the Holy Face (a.k.a. Celine Martin).

The more I read, the more I find a kindred spirit in St. Therese... and then more confidence I feel about being myself and expressing my faith in a way that people may ridicule but that would, at least, be authentic. The "flowery" language, the childlike way of looking at things -- I understand it. I feel it deep down... way down because I've tried to bury it because others made fun of me for it. It wasn't until recently that I've allowed myself to be more open about it; even if I end up getting ridiculed for my "innocence."

Another thing I've been learning is in growing in my trust in God. St. Therese had such a beautiful trust in Him as did my model of what true womanhood is: Our Blessed Mother. Mama Mary's fiat is the ultimate example of trust in God. She knew that she would suffer but she still consented to do God's will and only being a "handmaiden of the Lord." That's what I want and hope to eventually go myself to without letting any fears or worries get to me.

Last week I began the 33 Days to Merciful Love: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat in Preparation for Consecration to Divine Mercy by Fr. Michael E. Gaitley, MIC. It's been such a blessing because it's allowed me to dive deeper in what's become my theme for this Lenten season: growing in trust of Him through the examples of both Mama Mary and St. Therese. I know that it was no fluke that somehow both became co-patronesses of the year for me. I also believe that it's no coincidence that I found out which monastery God seems to want me to attach myself as a Benedictine Oblate during this season when I'm so deeply immersed in all of this learning and growth.

Today, I was reminiscing about how many times I've cried to God about what I want without thinking that His will for me might be different. Of course, we can't change His mind but He can also grant us what we keep bugging Him about -- something I've also learned the hard way in the past. I would've avoided a lot of heartaches, stress, and dumb decisions if I had just listened to God's clear signs instead of asking Him to grant me what I wanted; things He allowed me to experience so that I could finally "get" that His plans for me are so much better than my own.

Exactly one week ago today, I learned where I would be headed in a couple of months to begin my Benedictine oblate novitiate. I still don't know how I'm going to pay for it -- I have not figured out any new fundraising ideas nor have I had any new work leads and I only have about a fourth of my goal saved up -- but I'm trusting God to provide a way if it's His will that I go forward with this. Yes, I'm putting what I've been learning this season into practice.

I've already resigned myself to the possibility that I won't be able to begin my Oblate novitiate this upcoming summer and that I will have to delay it for a couple of months -- until the end of the year -- if I can't raise the money in time to put down the retreat deposit and then book my flight. I've never felt more certain or at peace with any decision in my life as I am of not only becoming a Benedictine oblate but also knowing that this particular monastery is the one that He seems to want to be as my spiritual home. But the timeline remains up in the air. The finances are a bit stressful, as is the thought of having to take a plane (flying and I don't mix... at all!) but all my trust is in God.

I feel like this is just the first of many "tests" I will be facing in the next couple of months; experiences that will help me see if I'm growing in my trust of God or if I'm still holding onto my fears and letting them dictate what I do (or don't do). I don't know why but I feel like I'm going to be tested in my trust of God and of doing His will in every area of my life that I've been stagnant in for so long (especially my vocation). I know I'm usually quiet about that area of my life but let's just say that I think I have an inkling that I might know what's going to happen in that area of my life... and that I'm going to have to not only wait a little while longer but that I'll have to be incredibly patient and selfless. I have a feeling I'll become an Oblate before I go forward with my "big v" vocation. Again, just an inkling I've been having for a couple of weeks now; one that I'm surprisingly at peace with.

Anyway, I feel like I'm starting to repeat myself so I'll just leave it at that.

How is everyone else's Lenten season going? Anyone seeing any fruits?

I hope your start of the week has been going well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Impatience and My Plans vs God's Plans

Happy traditional feast of St. Benedict! I finished the novena for his intercession last night... but I won't tell you what I asked for until a bit later. ;)

Obviously, this "daily blogging" thing isn't going to work out this Lent. Boo! I really wanted to do it but God seems to have other plans for me, a theme that has been recurring for me these past 2 weeks. Well, longer than that but it's been more obvious lately. I make plans and God seems to have other plans for me... and that's perfectly fine.

I have plans to do all my work early in the week... other (slightly more important) things pop up, causing me to not write a single thing until the due date. Thankfully, I know what I'm going to write; I just need to find the time to write and submit the posts.

I have plans to blog... I end up not even touching my laptop for a couple of days due to all the things that pop up. Thankfully, I don't think anyone actually minds so I'm good.

I have plans to attend Mass on Monday afternoon... and I end up going to Mass Tuesday evening. Not that I minded; I ended up going on St. Joseph's feast day with good friends!

I plan to go to the library to return a book on Sts. Louis, Zelie, and Therese... and I'm met with lightning and thunder, forcing me back home until the following day. Yes, I paid the fine for being a day late, too. It ended up working out for me since I got to read more of the book.

I plan on getting a certain ingredient for something I'm craving... and I can't find it anywhere. Oh well. I ended up getting something else with more iron and other vitamins and will probably be better for me in the long run.

All of these are good reminders that my plans are never as good as God's plans for me. I've seen it before, several times. The most dramatic was me not being able to attend university in England as was planned, not knowing that my father would be diagnosed with cancer for a second time... and not knowing he would pass away from it.

Another costly example was me feeling that God was calling me down a certain career path and me, very obstinately, saying, "But God, I/my family needs X, Y, Z and I can't see how going down that path is going to help so I'm going to do A and/or B." I'm literally paying for that terrible mistake (read: student loans).

I'm currently struggling with having patience and trusting God in two areas of my life: where I am to become a Benedictine oblate and with the pangs of loneliness.

I've been discerning becoming a Benedictine oblate for over a year now and it's not really going anywhere. It's very frustrating, especially since I've never been more certain that this is what I'm meant to do. I talked to a priest I very much trust on the feast of St. Joseph (of all days!) and he agreed that it would be best for me to attach myself to a more traditional Benedictine monastery. That meant I had to discard the possibility of discerning with the monastery within the  L.A. archdiocese... and keep waiting to hear from one of the monasteries I've reached out to in the past year. One is within the U.S. and two are abroad. That means traveling... but I just don't know where I'm headed. It's hard to stay stagnant when you're sure of something...

... which is also how I've been feeling about my (large v) vocation. I'm the first to joke about being single and to admit that I'm actually pretty content being single but it's changed a bit recently. I'm sure it's because it's Lent but I've been feeling that pang of loneliness quite intensely these past two weeks. I feel like I'm stuck and I can't move forward no matter how much I try (and, trust me, I've tried despite my dislike of dating). I know it's all about God's timing but my human nature is feeling the ache and it's been weighing heavily on my heart, especially today. I'm sure reading about the lives of Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin this week didn't help very much. Not that I blame them -- they gave me major "relationship goals" -- but it's so hard to see (or read about) those who've been able to grow, spiritually, thanks to their taking their vocations seriously.

Is anyone else feeling the impatience of waiting for whatever God has in store for you more acutely during Lent? It doesn't even have to be a discernment to a third order or waiting for your future spouse. It can be waiting for a job promotion, for a child, or news on something important to you. If so, let me know (you don't have to tell me what it's you're waiting for) and I'll add you to my prayers list.

Anyway, just a quick little blog about my struggles so far this Lent. It seems like it's going to quite the "Lent-y Lent," doesn't it? lol. Oh! And please don't send me a cliche "trust God" and "all in His own timing" comment because 1) yes, I know, 2) I'm trying, very, very hard and 3) it actually makes me feel worse, not better.

I hope you're all having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Prayer Interruptions

Okay, so, I'm definitely going to be doing these blog posts at random times when I know I have time instead of a set time every day. Let's see how this experiment goes...

You know what I've noticed lately? That people automatically assume that you're doing something not prayer-related if they see you using your iPod touch or smartphone. I keep getting interrupted when doing the Liturgy of the Hours because I use the BrevMeum app. I guess people assume I'm wasting time on something else and that it's okay for them to interrupt whatever I'm looking at. (side note: I'm not even going to comment on how I rude I think this is in general.) I mean, it's understandable to assume that I may be wasting time on something trivial; a lot of people use for their tablets and/or smartphones for things other than prayer. However, some of us do use them for such purposes. 

I really want to get the Monastic Diurnal (as recommended for Benedictine oblates) so that I can get something physical to hold -- that isn't on a screen -- to do the LOTH but it's not cheap. Yes, I know I can get it on Amazon for a lower price. However, in recent weeks I've decided to buy directly from monasteries, convents, and authentically Catholic websites as the money goes straight to them instead of a giant corporation who may be donating some of the money to Planned Parenthood or another questionable place. Yes, that's why I linked the Monastic Diurnal to Clear Creek Abbey, home to awesome Benedictine monks.

Also, I don't know about anyone else but it becomes really hard for me to concentrate on my prayer once again after I get interrupted midway through the prayer. I simply cannot get back into that laser-focus concentration on what I'm reading/praying... and then I get annoyed at the person/interruption. I know they usually don't mean to do it but it's an annoyance I need to work on. Does anyone have a similar problem? Has anyone been able to overcome this problem? Please let me know any tips you may have!

Not much to report on today, beyond the things I talked about...

Wait, no... one cool thing: I received a message about how I have become a founding member to an amazing apostolate started at my home parish. I don't know if I'm able to talk about it but it's something that, as soon as I heard about it, I knew I had to join in. I'll try to see if I can mention if -- I'll ask the person who started the apostolate -- and write about it in a future post. Let's just say that it involves prayer and that I will never know the end results until I (God willing) get to Heaven.

Okay, now I have nothing else to add. lol. The social media fast is going okay. I still don't miss it at all... although Facebook is starting to send me all these emails about how I'm missing out on *this person's* post or *that person's* video. Sorry, Facebook, but this girl is not experiencing any FOMO. Twitter's emails have also begun but they feel less needy. The only issue I'm having is that I still occasionally (accidentally) type in Twitter or Facebook and am greeted by the home page, asking for my username and password before I realize what I've done. "Old habits die hard" indeed!

My phone doesn't get used very much these days. I have it on "Do Not Disturb" or completely off most of the time. To be quite honest, only 3 people have been added to my "favorites" list so that their calls and/or messages can get through... and one of them is my mother. I wasn't kidding when I said I was going to become somewhat of an urban hermit this Lent. Also, I can't believe the battery lasts me all day, especially since it's not getting drained by the Instagram app (my time-waster of choice) or checking social media. I'm still a couple of days from the official "break-up" with it but this trial separation is going well. For now. lol.

Prayer is going well... except for the whole interruption and having to continue later when I can focus again. I added the same St. Therese book I've used for Lent is about 2009-2010 on a whim yesterday. I figured that since she's playing such a big part in my Lenten plans this year, I might as well go for it.

I know Lent has only just begun but, I am curious, has anyone had to remind themselves (more than once) to stop and not fall back into whatever it is that you've given up for Lent? If you're also on social media fast, are you missing it yet?

Alright, it's 6 p.m. I just prayed the Angelus and now I'm going to go pray Vespers in both the MeumBrev app and the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Yes, I pray both during the day.

I hope you all have a lovely day!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

A Lenten Beginning: Sacrifices, Laments, and a Humble Plan

As I write this, I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, awaiting the EWTN app on my Roku to turn on so that Mom and I can watch the "live" (read: rebroadcast from earlier) Mass from Rome in a couple of minutes. Since Mom is much more comfortable with the Spanish language, we're going to watch it on the EWTN en Español feed. As you can guess by this action, we were unable to get to Mass today.

We knew that we weren't going to be able to go to the 7 a.m. or noon-time Masses because of the heavy rain predicted for those times but I had hope for the 7 p.m. Mass. Sadly, due to the rain (it apparently hasn't stopped raining all day) and the flooding in the streets, we're going to be stuck at our apartment until possibly Friday. Insert sad panda face here. Thankfully, we stocked up on food and other possible necessities in anticipation of the rain and street flooding so we'll be fine stuck inside for a couple of days.

I really, really wanted to get to confession and Mass today. I wanted those ashes on my forehead. I wanted to start Lent "right." I'm currently fighting back tears from the disappointment and the frustration of it all. I know it's silly but I cannot shake off the feeling that I'm not starting Lent the proper way. Or, at the very least, the way I wanted it to start. It's bad enough that I cannot fast nor abstain from meat. I feel like this penitential season is easier for me than everyone else and it makes me feel like I'm a terrible Catholic as a result. I'm constantly reminded of how my daily life is compromised of continuous sacrifices and penances but it still doesn't seem like enough.

My (once again) vitamin D-deficiency-induced chronic fatigue makes me sacrifice my social life and having a "normal" work life outside the home. It also requires me to swallow my pride and ask for help when I cannot do something myself; something hard for someone as independent and (once) active as I am. I also think that I end up sacrificing my want of a husband and family because these things aren't exactly guy magnets. On the contrary, they scare guys away.

I know my life isn't "easy" but I'm so used to it that I don't even consider it hard. This is because I have the luxury of being able to work from home and thus sleep as much as my body requires it. I have a roof over my head and we've been able to create a household budget to be able to afford the food that helps keep me fed and as healthy as possible. I've chosen to help my mother with the household expenses through whatever freelance writing work I can get. I help take care of her when she needs it but I don't have other responsibilities beyond that. I'm so very fortunate in many ways others aren't.

Sure, I can't go on vacation or buy any material things that I may want. If I want something, I have to work hard and save up for it for months if it requires money. Even then, I think long and hard about whether I truly need it instead of just wanting it. If I don't need it, I end up giving it up for something that is necessary. But I see this all as a part of being an adult; of putting needs ahead of wants.

I guess this is something I have to work on this Lenten season -- being okay with my limitations and letting go of all the things I want to do (or think I need to do).

Humility is my chosen word this Lent; my chosen virtue to work on to combat that wounded pride that my independent and egotistical nature struggles with when I have to admit "defeat"; to admit that I can't do what I want to and do what I can. Lord knows how much this proud gal needs to be humbled and I'm hoping God grants me the graces necessary to become and stay humble. I hope all of this will make me be more open to His plans and will for my life; that it will make me more worthy of an eternity in Heaven.

I feel like this plan -- to cultivate humility -- was set in motion when I did the 54-day Rosary novena late last year when I asked to become more like our Blessed Mother. In a providential twist, she and St. Therese -- another beautiful model of humility -- became my co-patronesses for the year; my models who have also been my constant companions over the last couple of months. I didn't know why both kept popping up in my life so much but now it's starting to make sense. So, that is what I'm going to do -- look at their lives, learn from them, and work on emulating them this season and beyond. There is also something else -- or, I should say, someone else through a specific devotion -- that I will focus on during Lent that will hopefully help with my focus but it deserve its own blog post so stay tuned for that.

Does anyone else have any particular goals they're working on during Lent?

Anyway, this is it for now. I have some Lenten reflections to get to before it gets any later in the day.

I hope you're all having a good start to the Lenten season.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Early Lenten Start and Moments of Bliss

Well, here we are -- Shrove Tuesday and the feast of the Holy Face of Jesus. While I am not eating pancakes or indulging in food, I am "indulging" in my prayer time and more reading, which has been lovely.

I started some of my Lenten practices a couple of days early to make the necessary modifications (e.g. time management hiccups) in order to be ready for tomorrow. Social media has both surprisingly easy to give up... yet hard to avoid.

While I've signed out of all my accounts (and have been since Sunday), I still absentmindedly (and out of habit) find myself typing up the first couple of letters and hitting "enter" when I see that particular social media website pop up. Again, I'm so happy I'm logged out because it becomes a reminder of what I have decided to do. I've also blocked cookies from my phone's browser so that I cannot log into any website that requires a password.

A little while ago, I was listening to "La Vie en Rose" as the rain started pouring on my rooftop. I stood up from the couch and went to the window to look at the rain falling from the mostly cloudy sky. I could see the sunlight and blue skies peeking through pockets that were untouched by the clouds. I kept listening to the song and listening to the rain mixing into the melody in perfect harmony. I was alone in the living room, a rare moment of quiet for a busy apartment building setting, and it was a beautiful moment of sheer bliss.

It's these little things and moments that we miss when we're so caught up on social media and on being on top of notifications. I'm sure I've missed a lot of things on social media... but I didn't miss this one beautiful moment that appeals to my romantic nature. Not only that, it reminded me of the beauty that God has bestowed on us; the beauty we often overlook because our attention is on something superficial and fleeting. For this moment -- for these realizations -- I'm grateful.

We're expecting heavy rain -- and even some thunderstorms -- tomorrow. I don't know if I will be able to make to Mass and/or church for the distribution of ashes because our local streets flood and my car is pretty low to the ground. That and I'm still feeling a little under the weather (read: lightheaded), which makes driving under these conditions a little more dangerous. Still, I will pray and ask St. Scholastica for a little break in the rain to and from our parish so that I may be able to attend confession and Mass tomorrow.

I think this is the first Lent that I actually prepared for and am ready for... which, of course, means very little because plans can change. Still, I look forward to tomorrow and the rest of the season. I know it's a penitential season but I feel like I really need this time to do some major interior housecleaning and relationship (with God) mending. Anyone else ready for the Ash Wednesday?

Anyway, I just want to write a little something to test this whole "daily blogging" format I have in mind. I think I'll wait until the end of each day to write the post, publish it, and then schedule the link to be posted on social media in the morning the following day, but don't quote me on it. Still trying to figure out how this is going to work as well. :)

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week and that you're (more or less) ready for tomorrow and the next 40(+) days!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

My 2019 Lenten Plans... Along with a Few Surprises

I have decided to become somewhat of an "urban hermit" for this Lenten season. What does that mean? Well, in a nutshell, I want to devote myself and my time to more prayer and work (oh, hey, Benedictine ways ;)). I want to detach myself from as many worldly distractions as possible. This means no social media, checking my email twice a day (and not replying unless it's
life or death" important), long periods of not touching my laptop or anything that has internet capabilities, and seriously detachment from my smartphone and all the shiny apps it contains.

I will be rolling out the details of my plans slowly as the Lenten season progresses. You won't know what I'm doing until I've begun doing them, but here are the three major things that I needed to share with everyone with whom I communicate frequently.

I will be "breaking up" with my smartphone over a period of 30-days, which may extend a bit after Lent is over. I have the specific time frame already marked in my calendar. Friends have been warned that I will be unavailable and alternative ways of communicating have been established for those who want (really, need; e.g. editors, coworkers) to keep in touch during this time.

I am planning on doing a mini-retreat at home. I'll talk more about this when I begin but it's something that I've looked forward to doing on my own for quite some time. I want and need this time for just myself and for my relationship with God -- with no one else's comments or interference. It'll just be whatever God wants to reveal to me and what I want/need to say to him. People often feel the need to chime in on what I "have to" do or how I "have to" do it and, to be completely honest, it irritates me. My relationship with God is personal. Sure, I know I need help once in a while but that's what spiritual directors are for, right? I hope this retreat will help me focus more on God and less on what the outside world thinks I should do to better my spiritual life. Are we seeing the "urban hermit" pattern yet?

I will be updating my progress daily via this blog. No, your eyes don't deceive you; I will be blogging daily during Lent. I will be setting a specific time in the evening, every day, to update any progress (or epic fails) along the way. I've always been curious to see how people do when they cut back on social media and smartphone usage after relying on them for so long so I want to share my experience with you. Knowing myself, I will stumble more than a couple of times but that's okay. I'm giving myself permission to not be perfect; to learn from my mistakes but to also not say, "Well, I messed up so it's time to throw in the towel." Also, it'll hold me accountable for my actions, which I need.

There may also be surprises along the way but I guess you'll just have to keep coming back to find out what they are. ;)

I think I've figured out how to share these blog posts and articles published onto my social media accounts without my having to log in so some of y'all can still get the links if it's easier that way. However, I will be completely gone from the evening of Shrove Tuesday until Easter Sunday. Yes, that includes Sundays as well.

I know some of what I will share (as I roll out my plans) will seem extreme at first but, trust me, I've not only researched and planned this out for weeks. I'm doing all of this because I know I have to make some drastic changes in my life in order to put myself back on the right path. I'll also share what's been going on and why these changes were necessary later on.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these things while I had the brain capacity for them. I'm currently having another (and slightly worse than before) chronic fatigue relapse so I'm not able to concentrate for long periods of time. In fact, I'm going to take a nap as soon as I publish this post so I can focus on a couple of articles I have due (and overdue) without the crazy mental fog.

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

... I Thought Lent Ended?

In the span of a week:

- I've been insulted off of social media. It happened shortly after my last blog post on social media. Great timing, really. lol. I took the weekend off and will resume to take the week off, baring prayer requests or something urgent. My stress levels online have been off the charts lately. Taking the weekend off was good for me but it wasn't enough. I need a slightly longer break from it.

- My car has had to go back to the mechanic's... twice. The radiator on my car popped while Mom and I were out. The car released a lot of smoke and we were scared for a while (until we knew what had happened). Thankfully, I have AAA and the tow to the mechanic's was covered. I've already spent almost all of our tax refund on car repairs and, if you know our economic situation, you know that more repairs will hurt us further.

I should get my car back tomorrow. I hope the damage isn't too bad and that we don't have to spend the rest of our refund on the repairs.

I need prayers. I don't know what's up with this prolonged Lent-type thing but I could use some prayers if you can spare some.

Can I offer some of this up for any of you? Please leave a comment here, send me a DM on Twitter (because I won't see @ tweets), or private message me through the blog's FB page since I will get the email and read them that way without having to log into the accounts.

I hope y'all are having a better time than I am. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Lent 2018: Giving Up Everything, Giving Up Nothing

First off, congrats to the winners of the Magnificat Lenten companion apps: Lianna, Theresa, and Katie! There were some people who popped up as winners but they had cheated (they didn't do things they claimed to do), so they were automatically disqualified. Hey, Rafflecopter knows all!

I've been thinking about what I wanted to do for Lent for weeks. I went back and forth on the usual options -- giving up social media, extra expenses, adding acts of charity, giving up more screen time, etc -- because nothing was really sticking this year. Aside from my live tweeting during the figure skating competitions at the Winter Olympics, I don't really tweet much. I'm not as addicted to social media as I once was. We (Mom and I) are on a strict budget so not spending money we don't have wasn't hard. I don't really watch TV (again, except for the Olympics right now) and I tend to read more than I watch TV so, again, not hard for me.

I've been going through lately (so much that it's going to take a couple of blog posts to sort through in the near future -- some good, some not so good, some amazing and overdue) that I decided to give up everything... and give up nothing.

That doesn't make sense, does it? How can I give up everything while giving up nothing? Do I ever make sense? lol. Yes, I'm going to explain myself and my train of thought.

I'm not giving up anything as an individual. My mother and I decided to collectively give up miscellaneous spending for the sake of our financial health but, again, that's not a big problem because of our strict, tight budget. It will mean that meal planning will be involved which will save us money when it comes to grocery shopping, which is essential. Beyond that, I'm not giving up anything in the usual sense.

I'm giving up everything in the sense that I'm giving up everything I once thought I knew. In my quest to completely abandon myself to God's will and His Divine Providence, I'm giving up more of myself. I'm giving up my fears. I'm giving up my doubts. I'm giving up my tangible certainties. I'm giving up the pride that comes with the knowledge I've accumulated in all my years of academic education and other experiences. I'm giving up on toxicity in my life. I'm giving up the negative. I'm basically giving up everything, interiorly and exteriorly, that will not matter at the end of my life.

I'm not giving up on my faith... my optimism... my hope... my love for God. I'm not giving up on treating my body with respect by taking care of it and nourishing it to the best of my abilities. I'm not giving up on my family and friends. I'm not giving up on my drive to do as much as I can to make God known and loved. I'm not giving up on the things that will get me closer to God and to my ultimate destination of Heaven.

I'm giving up everything... that is harmful to my body and soul.

I'm giving up nothing... that will help me praise the Lord for eternity once my time here on earth is complete.

Does it make sense now? ;)

Anyway, I have a lot to share over this next couple of weeks so stay tuned to this blog.

What are you all giving up (or adding) for Lent?

I hope you all have a good beginning of the season and that, if you're giving on social media for Lent and we're in contact through it, you let me know how we can stay in touch during this time. Let's all pray for each other!

That's it for now!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Magnificat Lenten Companion 2018 Giveaway!

Hello, everyone! I'm sorry for the delay in posting this giveaway but I've had a rough couple of days. I didn't even get to sorting through my emails until this morning -- three days worth of emails. Yikes! I'm having a slightly better day today so here I am, ready to give away a Magnificat Lenten Companion.

Can you believe Lent begins in a couple of days? I actually began thinking about what I wanted to do for Lent a couple of weeks ago before Christmastide ended actually. What can I say? I like to plan. I have yet to solidify my plans, including fasting because I cannot fast or abstain from meat. I know I won't be giving up social media for Lent but perhaps I can do it on Fridays as a way to abstaining from something.

Anyway, the point of this post is to give away yet another Magnificat Lenten companion. This is only for the app, not the physical Lenten companion. For the last couple of years, Magnificat has been kind enough to send me two iOS app codes to give away for Lent and Advent. In previous years it's only been for iOS app but they've added two Android codes. That's FOUR Lenten companion apps to give away this year! Thanks, Magnificat! I've used this app previously and it's been really helpful to me, especially when I was really busy and couldn't find the time to devote more than a couple of minutes to prayer.

It's easy to enter. Just follow the Rafflecopter instructions and you're set. I believe you can also tweet about the Lenten giveaway every day until the last day of the giveaway for extra entries. ;)

One important note: please let me know which app you're entering for -- iOS or Android -- so I know who will be drawn for which app. You can do this by leaving me a comment on any social media platform where you can reach me (Twitter, the blog's FB page, as a comment on this blog, etc).

The winners will be randomly chosen at midnight Eastern Time on February 13th. I will personally email the winners before I blog again.

a Rafflecopter giveaway


I hope you all have a lovely rest of the week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Lent of St. Michael Begins Tomorrow

© Pedro A. Guerrero (aka my big brother).

Has anyone heard of the Lent of St. Michael which begins tomorrow (on the Assumption) and ends of the feast of St. Michael Archangel? I hadn't until today when a long-time online friend (who inspires major mama and vocation goals) said she was going to partake in it. As I am a very curious person, I asked her what it was about and she sent me this link.

For the tl;dr crowd: the gist is that this devotion was started by St. Francis of Assisi since he had a special devotion to both Our Lady and St. Michael Archangel. Since there are 40 days (excluding Sundays) between the feast of the Assumption and Sr. Michael's feast, it became like a second Lent. Just like the regular Lenten time, you pray and fast, only this time you do it in honor of Our Lady and St. Michael. During this time you "... are made mindful of the facts of our own resurrection on the Last Day and also of our subsequent Judgment" since St. Michael will be the one who will awaken the dead on the Last Day (Judgment Day).

As I am personally going through some confusing times and am trying to get my spiritual life back on track, I think this will be good for me. I don't know what I'm going to "fast" from quite yet but I still have a couple of hours to think about it. With the state of this country (and, really, the world in general) perhaps some of you will also be interested in partaking in this.

Anyway, just a heads up for y'all. Please let me know if you're going to do it as well. It wouldn't hurt, especially if you feel as if you need a "second chance" like I do.

I have less than two weeks to finish my novel and I still have to flesh it out a bit so... back to work!

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!  :D

Health and Technology Lenten Experiment: The Results

Sorry for the gap in between posts. Finals week begins next week so I finished the last of my lecture videos between Tuesday and yesterday. I'm going to try to do both of my finals next week as opposed to next week and the week after that so that I can have a week-long break in between the Spring and Summer semester instead of just a weekend. I'll finish my flash cards later today. I wanted to blog (and clear my mind of the academic stress) for a little bit so here I am, writing a new one. :)

The last blog post -- on why I hate social media -- had interesting reactions, mostly positive. Apparently, I'm not alone in the "social media is wearing me down" boat and some are thinking about deleting their Twitter accounts as well. For those you contemplating it, I'd suggest doing it in baby steps, especially if you're very addicted to social media. Quitting cold turkey isn't easy for many people. And, actually, this serves as a nice little segway into today's post on a Lenten experiment that came as a result of eschewing social media.

In order to help me avoid social media, I had to limit my use of technology in the form of my laptop, my phone, and iPod touch. Yes, I use all three for different things. My laptop is used for things like schoolwork, writing, blogging, and other things that require a larger keyboard and/or use of a wireless mouse. My phone is used for texts, calls, Spotify (when I'm driving), and the occasional website search or app use when I'm not home or can't use my iPod touch (which relies on home WiFi); Google Maps FTW! I don't watch TV often and I rarely stream movies (I don't have Netflix and I rarely use Amazon Prime Video which is included with our Amazon Prime membership) so the Roku on the TV stays unplugged for most of the day and can even go days without being plugged in. I do read a lot, and I've been using my Kindle more often, but I disable the WiFi on it and only turn it on when my borrowed (library) eBooks need to be downloaded onto it.

I use the iPod touch much more than I do any other device. I use it for apps like the app for members and friends of the local FSSP church (or, I should say, the one we're hoping to establish soon; please donate if you can!), Rain Rain (which I use when I need light background noise to fall asleep or relax), Goodreads, iPieta, EWTN, Overdrive (for the audiobooks I borrow from the library), Kindara (great for you ladies), Wunderlist (where I keep my daily schedule/to-do list, though this will change since Microsoft is axing the app later this year), and Scrobbler (where I keep track of what music I listen to... and how much of it). I deleted the Instagram app before Lent began and I haven't used the Facebook nor Twitter apps since last Lent (2016).

As you can see, I'm pretty plugged in even if a majority of these apps are used once or twice a day (or less). I'm not even counting the FitBit app and other apps I deleted during the Lenten season (more on this in a moment) or else, well, you get the picture; I'm very dependent on technology. After reading Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked by Adam Alter (which I briefly mentioned in the last post), I decided to challenge myself to limit my use of technology. It was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a long time.

I started off by doing my research paper the old-fashioned way: writing my paper using mostly books from the library and a notebook and pen. Yes, I did request the library books using the LAPL (Los Angeles Public Library) website before I picked them up but I used the physical books as soon as I had them. Yes, I did have to use my school's database to look up peer-review articles and journals on my topic (stuttering in the pediatric population) but I downloaded the .pdf files so I wouldn't have to use WiFi and/or would be able to print them out so I wouldn't use the laptop often. Yes, I had to type up my paper on Word since my professor insisted on it being a .doc/.docx file but it was first written out on paper using a pen. Lots and lots of paper, ink, and hand cramps because I'm used to typing more than I am used to manually writing things out (letters to friends excluded from this statement). I was able to finish the paper in record time and had amazing concentration during it. 

I then deleted all the apps that I realized were designed to keep me plugged in (thanks for making me realize this, Mr. Alter). I deleted apps like FitBit, MyFitnessPal (to keep track of how much iron I consumed per day), Plant Nanny (which kept track of my water consumption and reminded me to drink more water every 2 hours), and a number of other apps that I didn't use often or used way too often that were not helpful/beneficial to me in any way. The results were also really great and I found myself feeling healthier and with more energy.

I actually stopped wearing my Fitbit Charge HR for two reasons. First, my eyes were opened to what the experts talked about in Irresistible; how I felt like a failure if I didn't get to my step goal (blame my slightly competitive nature) and how I pushed myself even when I felt too tired or my legs hurt. That led to number two: I was unintentionally causing more harm than I was helping. I didn't listen to my body when it sent "okay, you need to rest" signals and let my brain bully me with "but you can get to that number... you've done over 11k steps before; surely you can finish 5k measly steps per day." I found myself growing more and more fatigued and physically exhausted as the days passed but I pushed myself to meet the goals. Yes, my doctors advised that I walk more and exercise more but I was pushing myself beyond my limits, especially when the accidental dairy consumption physically weakened me more than anemia ever did. I'm not even going to touch on the sleeping and heart rate trackers which used to seriously stress me out. 

After I deleted the app and stopped wearing the tracker, I started picking up bodily cues. I walk when I feel the energy to walk. I actually try to get up and walk around as much as I can throughout the day; much more than I used to prior to the use of FitBit. If I was tired, I first drank water (since I'd been terrible at keeping myself hydrated prior to this experiment) to make sure I was just a bit dehydrated. If I was still tired, I took a break from whatever I was doing and rested. I even took naps if I felt like I really needed one and it wasn't too late in the day. I ate when I was hungry or drank more water if a mealtime was coming up and I knew I wouldn't be hungry for it if I snacked. I've also noticed that whatever foods I crave usually pinpoint to something my body needs. i.e.: when I was craving dairy (which I can't have) was when my calcium levels were low (I'm not sure where they are now). When I craved red meat was when my iron was lower. When I craved salty things was when my sodium was low (I found I had low sodium at the ER last month). When the thought of fried foods or certain dietary staples didn't appeal to me, I listened to what I was in the mood for and it helped get my stomach back on track. 

I've been able to maintain my weight at my normal range (123-125 lbs; what has been recommended for my 5'7" height and small frame by doctors) for an entire year without the help of MyFitnessPal which used to tell me how many more calories I needed to eat to gain weight when I was underweight. (For those of you who are new to the blog: being underweight was the unfortunate consequence of an academic stress breakdown I had three years ago and then a car accident I had a year and a half ago). Now that I've found a multivitamin that has more than 100% iron (which I need for my anemia), I don't need to keep track of that either. Buh-bye, app!

I also did something to help with the bouts of insomnia I've been battling with on-and-off for years. I'd heard a lot about the damage caused by the blue light found in artificial light and devices (laptops, tablets, cell phones, eReaders, TVs, etc) but I didn't do much about it until this Lent. In case you didn't know, the blue light messes up our sleeping patterns because it decreases our melatonin production (which helps us fall asleep) and throws off our biological clock. Not only that, it has been linked to a development of cancers, diabetes, heart disease and obesity. 

After being reminded of the damage it can make, I decided to cut down on the amount of time I use the screen per day, only using the laptop, cell phone, and iPod touch when I need to. I had installed f.lux on my laptop a couple of years ago but hadn't used it for a while so I reinstalled it so that it dims the blue light on my laptop when I use it later than I normally do. Since I don't use the laptop as much as I used to, I don't get to watch the color change on my laptop screen. Sometimes, especially in the days leading up to exams or due dates, I can be on my laptop nearly all afternoon into evening and night so this is when f.lux is helpful. 

At my annual optometry appointment, the optometrist advised me to add a blue-blocking filter/coat to my glasses after explaining the damage the blue light does to our eyes. I declined the coat for now (too expensive for my budget this year) but I did purchase an inexpensive (less than $8) pair of orange glasses that block blue light on Amazon. Since I mostly wear glasses at home -- especially at night -- I got myself a pair of Uvex S0360X glasses since they are large/wide enough that I could wear them over my normal glasses. I've worn them nightly (and I'll even fall asleep with them on if I'm reading in bed after particularly stressful days) for nearly a month now and I can tell you that I've had the best sleep I've had in years. I'm not trying to sell you anything (I didn't even link you to the glasses I got); I'm telling you the honest truth. 

I'm not sure if it's the glasses, my decision to completely unplug and keep the last 2-3 hours of my day to prayer and reading (mostly fiction) books in order to help relax my mind (part of my daily self-care routine which has been proven to help), or a combination of the two but whatever it is, it's working. I sleep better and feel less tired in the morning. I'm also waking up and falling asleep naturally at earlier hours. I don't know when the last time I went to sleep at 3-4 a.m. (or later) was.

Oh yes, I also keep my phone away from the main part of my bedroom. The iPod touch (which serves as a temporary alarm clock) is kept on a closet shelf. It's close enough to not do bodily harm if I get up in a sleepy fog but far enough that I have to physically get up to shut it off so I'm not tempted to hit the snooze button. Mom and I will most likely keep this as our alarm clock since I've chosen a soothing (yet loud enough) song to wake us up at different times. Since Mom gets up at 3 a.m., we don't want an annoyingly loud alarm blaring, making our neighbors wake up from their own slumber. It also works because it uses the battery from the iPod and isn't plugged in or using disposable batteries, saving money.

As you can see, I had great results from my health and technology Lenten experiment. I feel healthier and more rested. My stomach is resetting and getting better. My concentration is getting sharper. My mental fog is going away. I feel less stressed out and have more patience. Oh! We've also saved a lot on our electric bill. Mom and I were surprised at home little we paid last month (we get the bill every 2 months). Of course, it's too early to call it a complete success since we human beings tend to relapse at times but I think these habits have a good chance of sticking and becoming permanent. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. As I said at the beginning of this post, I finished my lecture videos (and notes) so I am going to turn off the laptop, keep the ringer on my phone on silent (I've had it this way since I watched the lecture videos), and work on doing the flash cards for my hearing/ear anatomy and basic audiology course since the flashcards for the other class are done. :) 

I hope y'all had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend. Divine Mercy Sunday is upon us! Praying that I can make it to Mass this weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

An Unsettling Peace

Have you ever prayed arduously about a certain intention -- it could be for days, weeks, months, or years -- and when you finally figure out what you have to do, you are both unsettled and at peace? In other words, you get a sense of peace whenever you think about what you've figured out -- what you think may be the path God wants you to take -- but it also unsettles you because it means facing a lot of changes, fears, and uncertainties? 

Now imagine that... and multiply it by about 20. That means clarity on not just one intention but on several intentions that you've prayed about for years. That's the boat I'm in right now. Some of the intentions are not mine but have been intentions people have entrusted me with over the years. I think one of them has been an on-going intention for a minimum of 5 years. As for my own intentions, all but one or two seem to have been answered lately and it's making me a little nervous.

Why am I nervous? Well, because it means I have to make a lot of changes, face a lot of fears and uncertainties. I've already made some of the easier changes (which I hope to blog about soon) and I've already noticed a massive improvement in two areas of my life. I occasionally slip as the habits will take some time to solidify but I'm happy with the results thus far. The more difficult changes will happen when I fully return to social media on Easter Sunday, when I come out of my self-exile/retreat from having a social life (only did it for Lent), and in some of the other (hint: ninja status) areas of my life that involve other people. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have the (emotional/physical/mental/spiritual) strength to make these changes. I've already tried to implement some of the changes during Lent... and failed miserably because the temptations and the curiosity got the best of me a couple of times. I know that Lent isn't about making personal changes -- like New Year's resolutions -- but these changes will ultimately help my relationship with God and my spiritual life. In fact, every single change I'm going to make will strengthen that relationship. Every fear I will face and every uncertainty that will come from the decisions I will make will force me to trust God. You know that internal dialogue I shared in the last blog post? That will continue to happen and, I suspect, it'll happen more often. 

Some of the decisions I've made and have yet to implement will make a lot of people unhappy with me. Some will draw criticism and harsh judgment. Some of the decisions made (and decisions I have yet to make as I have yet to receive clarity of them) will surprise people. "I thought I knew her," I can already hear some people say. One particular decision (which I'm still praying about) may even shock those who've known me for years and who've known about my thoughts about this particular topic. Still, I know that I can't be afraid to make these changes... especially since I will be doing what I believe God is calling me to do.

Will I shed some tears along the way? Most likely as I'm naturally sensitive. Will my people-pleasing ways make me feel awful, especially when people try to emotionally manipulate me or make me feel bad about the decisions I've made? Ohh yes. I'm counting on it. I'm going to have to rely a lot on God -- to trust Him, to remember what's at stake, and remind myself that He will give me the strength and graces necessary to face whatever is coming my way if it's part of His plans for me.

Sorry to be a bit vague about things now but, stick around! I'll definitely plan on sharing a good number of these changes as they happen if only to hold myself accountable to them whenever I slip.

Alright, I should go have a late lunch; I haven't eaten much today and I really need to take what I hope will make a difference in my health. :)

I hope y'all have a blessed Paschal Triduum (I don't plan on blogging until Easter Sunday)! You may actually see me on Twitter before you get a blog post. We'll see. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

"Congrats on Graduating!" ... But I'm Not.

Taken during this weekend's studying frenzy, hence the flash cards everywhere.

Since Saturday, I've received postcards and phone calls congratulating me on my upcoming graduation. "You must be excited! May 6th will come before you know it!" It gets a little awkward when I have to say "Oh, thank you... but I'm not graduating yet. I'm not scheduled to graduate until December." You can hear a pin drop while the information registers in the mind of whoever called. Cue the awkward pause and nervous chatter that follows it.

Long story short, I was scheduled to graduate this semester but, for reasons only God knows, it had to be pushed back from this May to this upcoming December; from the end of Spring semester to the end of Fall semester. I don't think they've updated their database at Utah State (where I'm currently on track to finish my second Bachelor of Arts in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education) because, well, I keep getting these calls and things in the mail. Oh, I still asked for the tassel to be sent to my house since I'll technically finish in the year 2017 and I want that tassel that says 2017. lol.

I've actually been thinking a lot about school and graduation in the last couple of weeks. Actually, scratch that; it's been on my mind for months. I was going to wait a bit longer to write about this but, well, it's been a big theme for me this Lent: I'm not even sure that I'm going to finish this degree. Only three of my closest friends have known about this for weeks because I've asked for their opinions and/or just needed to get the thoughts that were bouncing around in my mind out into the open.

No, I'm not quitting... exactly. In the past couple of weeks/months -- especially following the end of the 54-day Rosary novena -- I've felt like God is calling me down a different path on which I won't need this degree. I don't know whether that means I won't be working in this field too long after graduation or if it means that a job will come along which will pull me away from finishing this degree... but it's something along those lines. I'm perfectly at peace with either option. I've gained a lot of clarity which has brought that inner peace during this Lenten season.

First, the main theme for this Lent seems to have been a renewal and recommitment to trusting God despite my fears. The doctor appointments / random ER visit, the last-minute trip to Mexico, and the other things I will eventually write about in the coming days and weeks... it's all been about trusting God.

I can almost hear God asking me, "do you trust me?" whenever a difficult situation comes up.

"Yes," I answer, though, truthfully, sometimes it's done with some apprehension because letting go is easier said than done. More like "I'm trying to but, yes, it's ultimately what I want to do."

"Then let go and let Me take care of it," I can imagine Him saying to me.

I let go of a fear about something I needed to take for my health. After having had a number of adverse reactions to medications and allergies and intolerances to foods, I'd developed a fear of trying anything new out of fear of ending up in the hospital. I'll hopefully find out if what I'm taking (while I haven't been taking for very long) has made a bit of difference. My doctors were finally able to get me a hematology appointment after trying to get it approved for years (yes, years plural). I hope that we'll soon know why my red and white blood cells, as well as my platelets, have been on a downward trend in the last couple of years. I'm still hoping the answer is as simple as it being a result of my health crashing from overdoing it and not taking care of myself three years ago -- then the relapse following the car accident a year and a half ago -- as well as a poor diet that has led my folate level to be at dismal number/level.

Just like I let go of that fear to do something that will make me healthier, I'm going to let go of my fears of financial instability. I'm going to let God guide me down whatever career path He wants me to take, even if it's something radically new. He knows better than I do what I need to do in order to do His will. If I somehow do end up having to leave the degree unfinished, I'm not going to regret or lament it.

Not finishing the degree won't mean that I've quit out for selfish reasons or because I couldn't handle it. It'll simply mean that I've chosen to follow God's path for me rather than my own. I've already made peace with the fact that I'm not going to go back and finish my Master's in Theology either. Oh, I've received a lot of clarity about that (no Theology MA) and I'm owing that to St. Francis de Sales who seems to have somehow become my (surprise/unplanned) patron this Lent. Again, I'm not sure if this will happen but I'm at peace with it if this is what ends up happening.

If I do end up finishing this degree -- which is looking like the most likely outcome at this point -- I've already made the decision not to attend the graduation ceremony. After hearing about how graduation is celebrated in Italy (shout out and a public "congrats!" to my good friend, Francesca, who received her Master's degree in Italy last month) and comparing it to how it's celebrated in the States, I decided against it. It's not my style. Need I remind longtime readers what I did during my first undergrad graduation ceremony? lol. If I finish this degree, I'll opt for a homemade dinner with family and close friends; a way of thanking them for all their support. Okay, maybe I'll add a trip to Disneyland to celebrate if I can afford it. lol.

Everything is up in the air in terms of the future of my education and career but that's okay. I have plans for the current path I'm in: finish the degree in December, work on the required (in CA) 100 supervised hours before receiving my license to become a speech-language pathology assistant (SLPA) either March through May or September through November of 2018 (depending which school/program I can complete the hours in), and then start working. I'll continue down this path until God makes His will for me clearer.

I can technically begin working as an SLPA in other states because I've already completed the required 25 supervised hours that many states ask for (I completed them last semester) so maybe God will call me to work in another state that doesn't have as many requirements in CA as soon as I graduate. Maybe the autobiography I'm ghostwriting (have I written about that yet?) will kick-start the writing career I've always dreamed about. I don't know. All I know is that I've placed my future in God's hands and I trust that He will lead me to Him... and that's all I want.

Anyway, I wanted to write and this is what came out. I don't know how much blogging I'll get done this week. I'm starting to study for finals and then we (Mom and I) are going to try to do only what's necessary from Thursday evening through Sunday morning; for the Paschal Triduum. That means no music (uber hard for me), no TV (not sure if Mom can go without TV, lol), and little to no online time (it'll depend on a group project but I'll most likely choose to not use my laptop nor the iPod touch during the Triduum). I do have reading and studying planned since I need to study and the reading is all centered around the Passion and my relationship with God but that's about it.

If, in your charity, you can please say a pray for clarity regarding my education and career path, I'd greatly appreciate it. :)

I hope you are all having a lovely start of the week! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

My Heart is Bursting with Joy!

"Oh no," I sighed as I looked at my mom. "I'm starting to feel sick... and the physical pains are worsening. My back and my legs are starting to hurt and cramp up."
"Do you want us to stay home?" she asked.
"No. I'll just take generic Tylenol and an extra water bottle in case I need them. We have to go..."

That's how our trip to a local parish for Mass and confession began. Two months was enough... I needed to go to Mass and confession. I've been feeling physically off for most of this past week -- falling asleep often and having weird physical pains -- but I was determined to go. After reading The Benedict Option by Rod Dreher and starting Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales this week, I felt even more courage than usual to, at least, attempt the drive.

"Let's try for confession and we'll stay for Mass if I feel okay," I told Mom.

We got in line half an hour later than usual and there a couple of people in front of us. The priest was running late and we would only have half an hour before confession time ended. I thought there wouldn't be enough time for all of us to get into the confessional, especially since we were last in line. "It's okay," I reminded myself. "At least I'm here and I'm trying."

As we waited for the priest to show up, the youngest daughter of the woman in front of us (in line) came to my pew (we all sat in pews while we waited) and gave me the biggest smile. She was maybe 2 years old. She would go back to her Mom and would wander around the church with a sibling trailing after her but she came back to my pew with the biggest smile a couple more times before her family left. There was something reflecting from her little face that struck me. It was a sense of overwhelming joy. I even thought to myself "it's almost as I'm seeing God's happiness through her little face; as if He were showing me that He's happy that I'm here."

Since I had a long list of things to confess -- things I had somehow remembered from my years away from the Church; big things that I don't think I ever confessed but needed to from when I was 18-20 years old -- I had everyone in line go before me. Though I knew there was a chance I wouldn't go in but I didn't want them to miss out because of the time I might be in the confessional.

I obviously won't say what I confessed nor what the priest said but let's just say that I wept. I cried because I felt the weight and the shame of my sins and then I cried thinking about God's love and mercy and how I had been forgiven, unworthy as I may be. The priest said something things that I could've easily imagined God saying to me through Him. Fear would be defeated and replaced by courage and trust, both gifts from God.

Though it wasn't our preferred Latin Mass, we still stayed for the Saturday Vigil Mass in case we can't make it to Latin Mass tomorrow. Yes, I'm going to try to go to that Mass as well. Oh, what a gift of tears I was given; I couldn't stop myself from tearing up during Mass. In the middle of the tears, I had an interesting observation and thought pop into my mind. As I looked up at the crucifix at the altar, I noticed how pale crucified Christ looked in comparison to all the other saint statues around the parish. The thought "He looks just like me; pale and weak. Yet it is through our weakness that we find strength" came into my mind, completely unprompted, and it surprised me. It's something I will ponder the rest of this weekend.

Though I wasn't able to receive the Eucharist (the last time I tried a regular gluten host, I was in physical pain for about a week or two; I have to wait to go to Latin Mass where they give low-gluten hosts for Celiacs), I made an act of spiritual communion in the pew while Mom went to receive the Eucharist. Cue more tears. lol.

My heart is bursting with joy! I'm grateful for the chance to go to confession and Mass. I'm grateful for the friends who prayed that I would go to Mass... and prayed that I would make it through both this evening. I'm grateful for the gift of courage that I was given, despite being in actual physical pain as we were leaving the house. I'm grateful that I felt well enough to make it through both confession and Mass, though I felt a bit off in line and then broke out in a sweat that made me feel like I was weak and being slightly suffocated prior to receiving absolution for my sins.

I don't think I'll ever be able to attend Mass or confession the same again. In a weird way, I'm grateful that I didn't go to Mass or confession for those two months because it made me appreciate the beauty of the sacrament and Mass in a way that I had forgotten. I'll never take either of them for granted again.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have a couple more lecture videos and some reviewing to do before I attempt this week's exam. The exam is due on Tuesday but I hope to do it either tonight or tomorrow night so I can finish my research paper (which due on Friday) on time as well. :)

I hope you all have a blessed Laetare Sunday tomorrow (or today if you're in Europe or read this on Sunday). :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D