Anatomy of a Sick Blogger

I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret: I'm at a point in my illness that I both accept it and I am completely depressed by it. I accept it because I've had it since August (five months) and I've had time to go through all the varying stages of emotions but that doesn't mean I still don't have my moments where I break down and cry. In fact, just before I sat down to write this (and before I prayed day 4 of the 54 Day Rosary novena), I broke down and sobbed. I prefer to do it when I'm alone so my mom doesn't see so I had the perfect chance.

Lately, it's been more apparently that I'm sick... at least physically. I can start seeing my hip bones and collarbone more defined. My clothes no longer fit and I haven't bothered checking but I'm guessing I dropped at least one or two sizes. I know it's not very ladylike to talk about weight but I am going to have to for you guys to understand how I am doing. I was about 132-135 lbs prior to these stomach problems. Today I weighed myself and saw that I dropped another pound since last month... down to 123. That's about 9-12 pounds I've lost in 5 months. For my height (I'm around 5'7"-ish), I'm still within normal weight range. That is good news. I hope that, since my Upper GI test will be in a month and three days (scheduled for February 13th; Ash Wednesday), I won't drop underweight before we get a proper diagnosis.

Before anyone starts freaking out (and thus mortifying me even further), you have to remember that I've cut almost all my usual foods out of my diet. I used to eat a lot of burgers, fries, pasta dishes, and baked goods. A lot. My diet for the last couple of months has consisted of grilled chicken, tortillas, and romaine lettuce for lunch and oatmeal and toast for breakfast and dinner. That is all. When I can, I try to add cantaloupe and watermelon (though this is getting harder to find) as snacks (for something sweet). I've tried adding various things without success. Most foods make me sick... and we don't know why. Even my doctor can't recommend any foods because we just don't know.

And because I know I will get asked, these are my symptoms when I do eat something that does not agree with my stomach: 1) feeling like I'm going to pass out, 2) an empty, gnawing feeling in my stomach (like it's going to start eating itself even if I had just eaten), and/or 3) crazy heartburn. Doctor (based on symptoms) ruled out an ulcer which was my initial guess. I was diagnosed with GERD/dyspepsia a few months ago (when I was at my worst) but that doesn't explain symptoms one and two. A few people (again, based on symptoms) are guessing it could be gallbladder related. The idea of maybe it being a Celiac (gluten) problem has also been thrown around. Either way, I hope they find out what's wrong so that I can start getting the nutrients I need once again.

I'll admit that I frequently have crying jags because of it. Even when I feel at my lowest, I try to remind myself that I am better off than some people and that I shouldn't focus on it so much. Earlier today, when I had to weigh myself to track my progress and saw that I'd lost more weight, I broke down. Who wouldn't? Almost immediately, I felt the urge to pray the Rosary. Remember about how much Our Lord suffered reminds me that I should try to bear my own cross more graciously.

Sure, I ask for our Blessed Mother's intercession but I also have to remind myself that this could all be God's will for me... at least for now. There has to be a reason why I'm going through all of this. It could be that God has something greater planned for me than I could imagine and that I have to go through this in order to appreciate whatever is coming. Maybe it's not even for me but for someone else. If all that I'm going through can help at least one person who reads this post, I will go through my illness without much complaint.

Anyway, I felt like sort of spilling my guts and hope it will relieve some of the stress and melancholic feelings I've been feeling lately. I'll be fine; sometimes I just need to let it all out before I can smile again. :)

And so that this doesn't end on such a bummer note: I am happy to report that I will have some new non-blog material published coming up very, very soon. ;) Yes, even through all of this, I've been able to retain my passion for writing and reading... and swing dancing when I am feeling well enough. ;)

I hope y'all have been having a great week thus far. If you have any prayer requests, please send them my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D