Hearing God's Wisdom Through Others

I've been feeling pretty terrible the last two days. I'm fairly certain it's something I had to eat but the symptoms are kind of weird so I've had a couple of people suggest spiritual attacks. I started the Undoer of Knots novena yesterday so, who knows, it may just be that. Either way, even though I've felt plum awful -- especially this morning when it was so bad I actually reached out to friends to pray for me -- I've been grateful for this experience because it's led me to have amazing moments of clarity through the words of my friends.

I know I've talked about my best friend in the past but just in passing. God has blessed me with such a kindhearted bestie; a young woman who has the gentlest soul of anyone I've ever met. Ever meet someone who makes you want to be the best and holiest version of yourself; someone who believes that you're better than you think you are? She's that for me. If anyone is destined for sainthood, it's her.

Sometimes we go weeks without touching base because we're currently on two different continents and the time difference in a killer. However, God has blessed me with the opportunity to talk to her quite a bit the last couple of days and has, in turn, brought much-needed clarity on things I've been struggling with in recent weeks.

Due to the personal nature of them (and y'all know I don't like to talk about my most private life) and out of respect for her, I can't say what we talked about. However, I can say that I'm sure that the Holy Spirit used her to get me to open my eyes to things I was either blind to or in denial of. It's not the first time it's happened -- nor do I believe it will be the last time. And, to think, if it hadn't gotten very sick at 4-5 a.m., I would've missed out on being able to have a long conversation with her during the little free time she had!

She hasn't been the only one that I'm sure God has used recently to help me. Two other friends (whom I also consider some of my best friends) also helped me see that there were things holding me back from growing as a person and in my spiritual life; things that incited the feelings of intense fear. It wasn't until I talked to them (all 3) that I felt like God was telling me, "Do not be afraid. I will take care of you and I will help guide you."

I didn't write this post to brag about the amazing friends I have -- although, my goodness, I am completely unworthy of such friendships! The point of this blog was a gentle reminder to listen to others carefully. It's so easy to dismiss someone's advice or conversation, thinking they have no right to get involved in your time or, worse, think you know better than they do. It's that pride that pops up and can make you miss so many helpful things.

Of course, not all advice will be good. I've received more terrible advice than good. I think that's what occasionally causes me to let words go in through one ear and come out the other. That and pride. Still, I think some of us are so used to getting advice that isn't edifying that we tune out the good; that we fail to listen to God's voice through those who know us best.

I guess this is my public "thank you" to both my wonderful friends and, most of all, to God. During this time when I felt the most vulnerable (and I do feel it most when I'm so sick that I wonder if a trip to urgent care is in the cards for me), He was able to speak to me through those whose advice I most trust and value. Now I'm going to take what was said to me and put it into practice.

Anyway, just a little something I wanted to share. Oh, and please say a prayer for me if you can. Whether it's just a really, really bad case of indigestion and/or whether they're spiritual attacks, I could really use the smallest prayer if you can spare it. God reward you!

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Third Novel Plot and Dating Break Revelations

Since I'm not publishing the novel, I'm going to give you ALL the spoilers. Keep in mind: this is a bare bones summary and my target demographic is young women between the ages of 16 and 24.

Isabella ("Izzy") Sonora visits her best friend, Zoe Walker, in London post-college graduate in hopes to figure out what she wants to do -- work or go to grad school. Izzy and Zoe met freshman year of college before Zoe (an actress) booked a role that catapulted her to fame abroad. When Izzy arrives in London, she sees that Zoe is living with her actor boyfriend, Rodrigo (professionally known as "Rory") Dominguez. Izzy informs Zoe that 1) Zoe never told her that she'd been living with Rory, and 2) that she should've known that Izzy would be uncomfortable in that situation because of her faith and beliefs. Cue big fight that doesn't quite get fully resolved. Despite this, the girls make up and Izzy gets a small taste of what life in the limelight is like (from the outside; going to premieres and events with Zoe).

Rory (who was working on his popular TV show abroad for the first 2 months of Izzy's visit) returns to London. Rory is kind and thoughtful, even going as far as limiting PDA so that Izzy feels more comfortable. Rory discovers that Izzy sings and plays the guitar. After some convincing, he gets her to agree to do some covers on his YouTube channel with the condition that no one finds out her true identity. Rory has literally millions of followers on his social media accounts and Izzy wishes to remain anonymous. They change her name and they film her from different angles, keeping fans guessing throughout the 7 videos they make over the span of 3 months.

Subplot: Izzy meets Grace Mitchell, another famous actress (more so than Zoe and Rory) who becomes like a big sister to Izzy. Grace doesn't buy into the fame game. She doesn't even have a way for fans to contact her via social media though she's always friendly when she meets them in person. Izzy gets both perspectives of the entertainment business: selling yourself/your brand to become more famous (Zoe and Rory) vs. doing things for the love of the craft and eschewing the superficial side (Grace).

Eventually, Izzy finds herself emotionally attached to Rory despite her best efforts not to be. All the time spent together, all the things they've shared, leaves her confused. Grace takes her away to Bath for a week to get her mind straightened out since it's Izzy's last month of vacation. When Izzy returns to London, she finds an enraged (and clearly drunk) Zoe in denial over her breakup with Rory, who moved out and returned back to work while Izzy was away. Zoe kicks Izzy out of her flat, no explanation given. Grace takes Izzy to stay at her home with her new husband, Ben. Izzy sees what a solid, stable relationship looks like, a breath of fresh air after seeing the impassioned and volatile relationship that Zoe and Rory had.

Someone leaks Izzy's identity as "Lily" (her YouTube alias) to the press. Furthermore, this person blames her for the Zoe-Rory breakup. Rory informs Izzy that it was Zoe who leaked the info and started the rumors because she thought that they were seeing each other behind her back. A "friend" of Zoe's told her she frequently saw Izzy and Rory "meeting outside a church." What the "friend" didn't know (but the readers knew all along) was that Rory had helped Izzy sneak off to Mass for months because Zoe used to fake serious illnesses and did everything she could to keep Izzy from going to Mass. Zoe is seriously anti-religion (which was a surprise to Izzy; Zoe had always been supportive up until Izzy wasn't happy with the Zoe-Rory living arrangement) while Rory is agnostic but he respects Izzy's beliefs. In the end, Zoe is exposed and all the things she did to sink Izzy and Rory's reputations backfire quite spectacularly.

The rest of the novel (which I didn't get a chance to flesh out) would've dealt with Izzy having to make big two decisions. First, she had to figure out whether she wanted to attend graduate school in England (University of Bath), do an internship with a photographer friend of Grace's (who, surprise, was going to be Will from the Will and Lina series), or accept Rory's manager's proposal to sign as an artist to start her own music career (she was not interested in acting).

The second big decision was Rory. He confessed his feelings for her and even wanted to move to L.A. to be with her. Izzy would end up rejecting him. He had a lot of faults that she couldn't overlook; that she knew he couldn't/wouldn't give up especially in the areas of lust, sloth, and gluttony. (side note: Zoe and Rory were going to embody the 7 deadly sins between them while Izzy Grace would exhibit the 7 capital virtues throughout the novel; Zoe was the mirror opposite of Grace, Rory of Izzy).

Keep the plot in mind as I now tell you what really happened to me and how this led to my dating break...

There exist a real-life Zoe and Rory and their lives are very similar to their fictional counterparts. That's all I will say. Unfortunately, like Izzy, I also ended up developing feelings for real-life Rory. That's what got me in trouble from January through July of this year. I used to say "Oh, he's like a brother to me," but I realized that wasn't true. An emotional attachment that had developed and it affected me in ways I didn't realize until it was too late. You'd think a 31/32-year-old would know better but, oh, that's when the devil likes to mess things up; when you let your guard down and think you'll be fine. Don't let your guard down and keep God in the center of everything, even things you think you've got under control.

I never approve but I became desensitized to real-life Zoe and Rory's living together. It wasn't until the end that real-life Zoe was crassly open about things that should be left between two (married) people that I snapped out of it. I somehow didn't realize real-life Rory's problem with giving into excess and a number of other things that slowly pulled me away from the faith. I was sucked in by the kindness, the laughter, the fun, and other (superficial) good things that unintentionally made me overlook what put me in danger. I began to have doubts. I began to think that perhaps this was the right path before because I was a terrible Catholic. Oh, sweet, dumb Emmy. Thankfully, God was with me throughout it all so I didn't fall away completely... but, boy, it was a close call at one point.

Another way God has humbled me lately: I'm not as strong (spiritually or emotionally) as I thought I was. I realized that through this experience. I'm not as smart as I thought. I'm not immune to making really dumb decisions and overlooking red flags. I also don't know the faith as well as I would like, which is pushing me more into the lay Dominican path.

Because real-life Zoe and Rory were a big part of my daily life, it was hard for me to gently remove myself from their lives. I made a point to not see them or see what they were up to. Communication ceased. I blocked them from private social media accounts. I erased all virtual traces I could from my laptop and connected devices. Unfortunately, they'll still pop up unexpectedly but I know how to get myself out of those situations.

After that happened, I was shaken up... and inspired to work on my relationship with God. I knew that I needed to work on myself and my anemic spiritual life before I could go forward in any future vocation discernment. I've known my vocation is being a wife and mother (someday) but I cannot build a solid family on a rocky, unstable foundation (especially with my spiritual life in tatters) so my self-imposed dating break began. I actually considered discerning becoming a consecrated single for a couple of weeks recently before I was reminded of the peace and certainty I've felt discerning the marriage vocation.

The novel was me (mainly) working through the feelings and making sense of everything. I began to write the novel around May-June when I was slowly getting out of months worth of me being confused over my situation with real-life Rory. It was when I started writing things out that I was able to work through it all. The feelings that once existed for real-life Rory are no longer there. In fact, I can't even look at him without feeling repulsed. My spiritual life is back on track though it's going to take a while for me to get to where I was.

And, there you have it. The novel plot and the story behind the inspiration for it. I had hoped to inspire young(er) women to look at their relationships, their friendships, and their faith carefully so that they wouldn't fall into the same trap I did but I'm now seeing that perhaps an honest blog post would work better.

Also, to any young blog reader who gets a bit starry-eyed and dreams of a life like those of celebrities: please be careful. Things aren't what they seem. I'm a bit cynical when it comes to the biz because I've grown up around it and I've seen what it does to people... and I claim temporary insanity from December of last year to July of this year for thinking I could return without it affect me or my faith. I walked away from all of that when I was 20 and (despite the massive temptations to go back and work as a screenwriter last year and this year) choosing to stay away from it is what is best for me on a spiritual, emotional, mental, and even physical level.

By the way, this all connected to my St. Andrew Christmas novena and 54-day Rosary novena intentions from Advent last year because I asked God to help me reject worldly, superficial things that would hurt my soul... which came from last year's temptation to chuck it all away and return to my pre-reversion career path. What I didn't anticipate was that I was going to be tested in a way that all the worldly, superficial things were going to be presented in a neat, pretty package with sparkles and would blind me and make my anemic faith even more fragile for months. I'm incredibly grateful to God for opening my eyes because I was in a terrible place. I know that I had to go through all of this to be able to grow in my relationship with him.

That is the whole truth behind the novel inspiration, the dating break (though part two of this is coming soon), and why it's best that the novel doesn't see the light of day. It took all of this to get me to where I am now and I'm truly grateful for all the prayers and support from friends who knew what was going on and prayers from those who didn't know what was going on but could sense that I was going through a hard time. I'm still working on my relationship with God so everything else will have to wait.

That's it for now. I actually wrote this on the night of the 6th because I want to dedicate all of the 7th and 8th to finishing what is due on the 8th so, you know, if you leave my comments I won't see them until the thing is turned in. Just a heads up. :)

I hope you are all doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Charity: Pride (Vanity) or Kindness?

Before I begin, I want to wish everyone a happy feast of Our Lady of Lourdes! Also, I offer my apologies for the long gap between blog posts. I got sick and then had two exams to do... and then had a bunch of things to do. I actually still have a lot of errands to run today but I'm taking a break right now to write a quick post.

Earlier this morning, Mom reminded me that one of my best friendships started when I offered to share my umbrella with a fellow classmate with whom I had two courses. It was pouring that morning and, since our classes were at opposite ends of the campus, I asked him if he wanted to share the umbrella since he was getting soaked. He declined -- I believe he said something about it being okay; he was already wet anyway -- but it was the thing that started our friendship.

From that morning on, we started by acknowledging each other in classes... then we started talking on the walk towards our second class... then we started having a late breakfast after our second class in the class cafeteria... and then we eventually started hanging out (with friends) outside of school. It was a lovely friendship that ultimately ended because another mutual friend wasn't very nice and ruined the friendship. (semi-spoiler: the character of Candice in the first Will and Lina novel was partially based on the girl who ruined this -- and other -- real-life friendship(s)).

I'm not sharing this story to make myself look good. No, I'm sharing it because one thing stuck out about this one little act: I did it with no motive. I saw a classmate getting soaking wet on our walk, his shoulders tensed up as he hugged himself to keep warm in his jacket. It wasn't because I thought he was cute (I never thought about that; our friendship was never based on any physical attraction). It wasn't because I thought it would make me feel good or make me look good to others. I just felt like doing it. That then brought on the question: how many things to do we do for others out with some type of motivation?

Let's be honest: most of us have done something for others to look pious, charitable, and/or to gain something out of it at some point in our lives, even if it was only once. I've been totally guilty of this, even if the only thing I gained was the satisfactory feeling of doing something good for someone else. "Ooh, look how charitable I am." Yuck!

When I think about doing something for someone, sometimes I have to stop and thinking about whether I'm doing it because I want to do it -- because God commanded that we love our neighbors -- or because of a selfish motivation. Furthermore, I thought about the times I've shared what I've done for others and wonder if I've done that out of pride (vanity). I have a great respect and admiration for those who do things anonymously. You know, the ones we hear about in the news but never find out their identity.

I want to issue a challenge to anyone who is willing to accept it: for Lent (and it is coming in a couple of weeks), do an act of charity that will not benefit you... and don't tell anyone about it. Ask yourself "what if I have to gain from this?" If the answer is "nothing", do it. As you do it, offer it up for any intention you may have or for the souls in purgatory. Thank God for the opportunity to do something for one of His children. It doesn't matter if it's something small or seemingly insignificant. We sometimes believe that little things don't make an impact but they can in ways we can't imagine. I believe that doing something for others out of brotherly love will help us slowly shed any pride we may have. At least, that's what I'm hoping. It's something I hope will help me be less selfish and vain and make me someone worthy of entering Heaven one day.

Anyway, that's it for now. Like I said, I still have a lot to do today and I might not have enough hours to do them. I do have a few blog posts coming up in the next couple of days, including a giveaway that could be useful for Lent. ;)

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Inspiration and Gratitude

Very quietly, I took a couple of days off social media and it went unnoticed... and it was bliss! I've been doing my best to stay off social media though it's not always easy. Thankfully, I had a lot to distract me for the past week and a half.

On the Wednesday before I returned to school for the Spring semester (which began last Monday), I had the opportunity to step away from social media for most of the day -- most days for an entire week -- thanks to a group of talented and lovely young adults. I won't go into specifics about this group because it's one of those things that I want to keep to myself (for the most part) but let's just say that some of them inspired me in ways I had never been challenged before. 

One person in particular really made me think about positive changes I've been wanting to make but haven't made much an effort to do. She's younger than I am but she's a positive ray of sunshine who is always smiling and laughing even when things are stacked up against her. We are very different in many ways -- mainly: she's an uber-extrovert and I'm a social introvert with an emphasis on the introvert part -- but she reminded me of how important it was to be positive and optimistic when faced with obstacles that seem impossible. 

I'm optimistic... up to a point. I noticed that there were people who really brought me down when I was trying to stay positive in difficult situations so I made some changes there. As much as I hate to admit it, people's opinions and feelings do affect me more than I admit. Surrounding myself with positive people (like this group of people) really did wonders for me in the week that I spent most of my day with them. While I don't think I'll be able to see them for an entire week straight like I did this month, I know I'll always have those memories and a certain social media platform to keep up with what's going on with them since we're all currently in different countries.

Last night, the young adult group I belong to here in L.A. got together for a movie night and, again, I was inspired. We all got together in the living room of the priests who are our spiritual directors for the group and we watched A Man for All Seasons. The film -- brilliantly cast -- told the story of how St. Thomas More stood up for his Catholic beliefs when King Henry VIII broke away from the Catholic Church in order to marry Anne Boylen. If you haven't watched it, I highly recommend it. After the film, we all discussed how we're seeing something similar these days; how some pro-life politicians say they're pro-life but will 'respect' Roe vs Wade since it is law. That led to a discussion on how difficult it is to live life authentically as a Catholic with the way our society is going. It was truly refreshing to hear the thoughts of other young (orthodox) Catholics in L.A. because I rarely experience it out here. Though I was unsure about attending the meeting -- it ran late by my "old lady" standards -- I was glad I went.

The time I spent with the first group and last night's group -- as well as the conversation on the car ride home with a lovely friend who drove me home; I don't like driving by myself at night, especially not in my neighborhood -- made me reflect on how grateful I was to have these people (and others who are not a part of either of these groups) in my life. To be continually inspired to be the best version of yourself, to remember that God is first and earthly things are not worth the emphasis we sometimes put on them... I'm truly blessed to have been reminded of these things.

Now I can say that I am ready to start my semester properly. My mind was too busy soaking up and processing everything I'd experienced the last week that I couldn't concentrate on much else. I feel refreshed, ready to work hard, and grateful for everything good in my life. Yes, my car was vandalized yesterday (I spent about 2.5 hours just trying to get a police report filed). Yes, nothing is perfect. Still, there are so many blessings in my life that I can't dwell on the bad. :)

I have a challenge for all you lovely readers this week: take a look at who inspires you to live a life that will lead you to Heaven; who makes you want to do good in this world; who makes you want to be the best version of yourselves. If you haven't thanked them -- either verbally or doing whatever your/their love language is -- do so. Thank God for the blessing of their friendships and pray for them and their loved ones. I think we sometimes get caught up in our own drama that we forget to pause and be grateful for those who bring light during our darkest moments.

And that -- everything I just wrote -- which is why I haven't blogged or been on social media as much lately. I've been wanting to write for days but I've been so busy with the lovely people in my life, with trying to do what I could do during the first week of the semester, or dealing with other things that I simply didn't have the time. It looks like life is going to quiet down again for me -- at least for a couple of weeks -- so I hope to blog more often. I might blog more and tweet less. We'll see. ;)

I hope y'all have had a great weekend and that you have a wonderful start of the week. Beat those Monday blues. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When the Dam Burst, I Was Honest with Myself

This past week was incredibly eye opening and revolutionary for me. While in earlier weeks I had been dealing with physical illnesses, this week it was all about emotional turmoil and spiritual dryness.

It happens every year around the anniversary of my father's death. I start feeling a bit apathetic, a little depressed, and a little anxious. It didn't help that I felt like people were dumping all of their problems on me and then disappearing once they "deposited" their problems into the human vault that is me. It's an unfortunate pattern with me; many friends only touch base when they need to unload and then I don't hear from them again until they need another round of venting.

After being physically drained from the dehydration, infection, and the consequent side effects of the medication, I wanted a little break. I wasn't going to get it with July 11th (anniversary of my father's death) coming up but I wasn't expecting to get overwhelmed with everything else that happened. Between the dumping of problems, various other comments about me and others (read: gossip), and feeling, well, almost bullied into doing things I had no desire to do, it's amazing I didn't have a full blown panic attack.

The dam burst around Thursday/Friday. I sobbed. I vented my own frustrations to my poor mother who had to deal with a daughter who was fed up. "I'm tired of people judging me," I cried. "I'm tired of being pushed into doing what I don't want to do. I'm tired of people make snide comments. I'm tired of..." the list went on. She let me cry because she knows I occasionally need to emotional release when I'm overwhelmed by others' problems. Does this happen often? No, but it happens more often than I'd care for.

After I let all that pent up frustration out I did something I had been working up the courage to do: I was honest when someone upset me. I started doing it even before I read this article on Introvert, Dear. Instead of just bottling it up or pretending I was okay, I told whoever upset me that I wasn't happy. "I'm upset right now... let's take a break from this conversation," was my mantra this weekend. The reactions were varied. Some chose a very passive-aggressive route. (Thanks for helping me identify it, all those psychology courses I took as an undergrad!) Thankfully, I have incredibly understanding people in my life. It became quite clear who I could count and whom I couldn't. I only talked to two friends this entire weekend -- both incredibly patient and supportive guy friends whom I trust implicitly. I took a break from most things until I got my thoughts and emotions sorted out.

A beautiful thing happened during this time: my spiritual dryness lessened considerably and my eyes were opened. As I immersed myself in prayer after feeling somewhat apathetic for weeks, I began seeing that certain situations had been pulling me away from God and my prayer life. A number of things I have to go to confession for came as a result of these situations. The worst in me was being pulled out by certain friendships. When I took a breather and really saw what was my fault and what I couldn't take "credit" for, a peace settled in me. Furthermore, I saw which friendships brought out the best in me; which challenged me to become a holier and more humble version of myself, one who was more aligned with the kind of woman I'd like to be. With perfect timing, the chaplet of St. Michael Archangel I'd custom ordered from Allison arrived when I had this breakthrough. Well played, God. Well played.

Even though most of us are out of college (and then some), there are a couple of things that don't ever go away as we get older; things we think will die in college. Recognizing that we occasionally need to look at our friendships and be honest with ourselves is something I periodically do but it's never easy. You develop a camaraderie with people who may lead you down the wrong path or whom may be all wrong for you. I'm still learning that it's okay to say "I appreciate what they've done for me but it isn't a healthy friendship for either of us" (because I DO take into consideration what I bring into the friendship for the other person). I'm learning to not feel guilty for realizing that it's actually an act of charity (to myself) to do something for myself; something that will help keep me on the right path towards holiness.

I have a massive mountain to climb in the next couple of weeks, but I'll keep my beloved Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati's words in mind: "Verso l'alto." I must remember that I'm striving towards something that will be hard to obtain yet eternally rewarding: Heaven and sainthood. I can't do that on the path I've been on lately and it's going to take a lot of emotional suffering (on my side) to make things right. Well, the path to Heaven is not easy one but one I'll gladly suffer through to reach the destination.

That's it from me for now. I hope the temperatures go down a bit so I can make the last Mass of the day. I hate missing Mass so fingers crossed. In the meantime, I'll go read a book. :)

I hope y'all had a lovely weekend. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What Three Deaths Have Taught Me

Earlier this week I found out someone from my past had died at the young age of 31. While I was never romantically involved with him (though I did have a crush on him for a while in my early-mid teens) nor were we ever really friend, I still have great memories of the couple of times I interacted with him. I don't like talking about that part of my life because of all the drama associated with it (read: ex-boyfriend from heck was involved; they knew each other) so I'll leave it at that: a genuinely nice guy from my past whom I have fond memories of. Though the last time I spoke to him was when I was maybe 17 years old, his death hit me harder than I would've ever imagined... and it gave me a jolt back to life, in a way.

Prior to my father's death in 2009, the only death that affected me in a profound way was my paternal grandmother's death in March 2005. My grandmother's death was the first I dealt with loss of a close person. I didn't know how to mourn. I was 19, about to turn 20. I hadn't seen her since my early teens but I still loved her nonetheless. When I found out that she had been asking for me on her deathbed (for both my father and I... and only my father and I), it hit me harder. She wanted me by her side in her final moments and I couldn't be there because she was in Mexico and I was in the middle of Spring semester at Santa Monica College here in Southern California. Dad left as soon as he found out she had little time left and he didn't even get to say "goodbye" in time because she passed away quite quickly. From her death, I was taught the importance of friends  and family during hard times.

The next death that hit me hard was my father's. Those of you who have read this blog long enough may remember the blog posts I've written about it, including one I wrote two weeks after he passed. Some of you might've even read the article that I wrote for Envoy Magazine which I wrote a few months after I had gotten over some of the numbness that followed his death. No death has hit me as hard since his. I'll be honest, having to deal with my father dying has also meant that I've had to learn to deal with anger. A few weeks before he passed and to this day, I have moments in which I can't control my temper. I will physically walk away and let myself cool down because I know how sharp my tongue can be when I'm angry. Those moments may not last long (I can calm down nearly as quickly as I get fired up) nor as they frequent as they used to be, but it's something I'm still working on. I honestly didn't know I was capable of getting that angry until I had to deal with his death. As the time passes (the 7th anniversary of his death is coming up in July), I find it easier to deal with my temper when it flares up. I think I'm averaging about 3-5 minutes in which it's best to leave me alone until I cool off. Again, doesn't happen very often but it's something that I made a goal to work on this year. I even bought the book Overcoming Sinful Anger by Fr. T Morrow to help me out. From my father's death, I learned so many things including the power of forgiveness and of moderating my temper (he had a strong choleric temper and I seem to have inherited a bit of it when I see someone I love being hurt).

The death of this young man from my past reminded me of how fragile life is and how important it is to take care of yourself. I won't go into details about who he was or even his death for obvious reasons (read: privacy issues and not wanting to think about painful memories) but let's just say that his death was sad and possibly preventable. It was a sad ending for someone I thought highly of. It wasn't only me; I don't seem to recall hearing a bad thing about him from any mutual friends. I lost touch with all those people from my past shortly before my reversion (I learned to remove toxic friendships early on) so I don't know much about what was going on with him other than what has been made known to everyone. He had been ill for a while -- something another friend has been dealing with for years as well -- but wasn't doing what was necessary to keep himself healthy. If I needed anything to help me kick into high gear on my own self-care, it was this. I've already been making good progress but I can definitely do more. After hearing about his death, I definitely felt the push to do those things instead of putting it off due to lack of energy and whatever else SAD has been weighing me down with lately. Again, I'm really surprised at how much his death has affected me, especially since I hadn't seen him since I was like 16 and I hadn't talked to him since I was 17, but I think it was hearing about it and remembering how much healthier I was during that time of my life (despite the ex-boyfriend drama), that kicked me back into this "alright, let's do this!" mentality. Also, friendly reminder to myself to not forget to have a Mass said for him since, if memory serves me right, he was also Catholic.

I've experienced the loss of aunts, uncles, and even the death of my niece's daughter (my second eldest brother's first grandchild) but these have been the three deaths that have taught me more. All three have happened at significant times in my life which I think may be why they've all affected me profoundly.

Anyway, I have a couple of things to do today (and my laptop battery is almost at 42% with no plans to charge it until after 8 p.m. in 7.5 hours) so I should go do them. If you could please say a prayer for the soul of this young man (his name was Michael) and his family, please do so.

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Weekend Trip Down Memory Lane

I'm currently a year away from celebrating 10 years since my return to the Catholic Church. Well, I count two different months: June 2006 and September 2006. In June the seeds were planted but I didn't fully embrace my reversion until September. I usually count June 2006 as the start date because it's when I began praying and really researching things. Over the weekend I was hit with a major trip down memory lane courtesy of the bands I used to listen to and it got me thinking about how much I've grown in the past (almost) decade.

2005 was arguably my favorite year. It started with an early 20th birthday trip to Disneyland with my (then) two best friends. We stayed until closing, around 11 p.m. if memory serves me right. Then followed a birthday dinner (on my actual birthday) at my favorite restaurant with my friends. We ended taking up a good portion of the back of the restaurant, that's how many had shown up. My friends were amazing. Everyone was supportive and always there for me.

I was loving college (I was attending Santa Monica College then) even though I went through about a half dozen majors. I loved the location because it meant that we could (and did) head to the beach in between classes.

I had been offered a contract with an agency that would've marked the beginning of my career in the "biz" shortly after my 20th birthday.

I was carefree. I lived for concerts. Those who worked at the Roxy and the Troubadour in West Hollywood knew me by name, that's how often I went to concerts. Random "mini road trips" around the city in which my friends and I would drive around the city, just to be out, and eating out was the norm.

I went out with my guy friends a lot. They were not defined as dates but I went out to movies, concerts, to lunch and/or dinner with them (which is the only reason why I'm not completely awkward around guys, lol.) My life seemed idyllic... but a lot of things were missing.

Things began unravelling shortly after I turned down the contract with the agency. The reasons why I turned it down were because a) I wasn't comfortable with the kinds of things I would be sent out for and 2) there was something deep down that didn't sit well with me. I walked away and didn't look back.

Then my so-called friends began turning on me. I accept partial blame here. I was immature and handled things poorly. I hate to admit it but I was dishonest with them. I should've cut them out of my life instead of testing their loyalty (towards the end of those friendships) when I suspected that they were spreading private information about me amongst them. Again, I was immature and made terrible decisions. The girls did everything they could to mentally and socially destroy me when they found out that I'd lied to them. If you've read the first Will and Lina novel you'll get this reference: what Candace did to Lina was nowhere near as bad as what these girls did to me. I deserved it... even if they took it too far. If you've ever wondered why I loathe lying so much, why I will own up to things that most people would deny, and/or why I'd rather take whatever bad consequences will result from my words and actions, now you know.

I still had the guys on my side... for a while, at least. It was at a time when a lot of my guy friends had their first apartments, living away from home. One guy friend tried to get me to his apartment, using the "we'll just hang out... by the way, I think you're attractive" compliment. Uh-huh. "Hang out." Another guy friend flirted and painted lovely pictures of trips to Paris because he had the means to do so and wanted to share those experiences with me. One guy friend bluntly told me that he thought I was cute and wanted to sleep with me but that he didn't want a relationship with me. He even offered to pay a cab for me to get home afterwards. Needless to say, I turned down all those "lovely" offers and my friendships with them ended.

Everything began to take a toll on my health. The stress from the bullying -- the mental abuse I received from these girls was insane -- got to be too much for me. At first the doctors couldn't figure it out. They run tests. Physically, I was healthy. We later figured it was all anxiety related. Then I began to pray to St. Jude, the patron of difficult/hopeless cases. Things began to change.

First, I had to cut communication off with everyone. My eyes were opened up and I saw that almost all of my friendships were extremely toxic. Snip, snip. From that pre-conversion time of my life only 4 friends are still in my life. Three gals and one guy. To this day they remain some of my best friends. One of them was a fellow target of the vicious rumors and lies of the girls that were once my friends. There was no actual reason why she should've been a target either. They just didn't like her so they spread rumors and lies. Cue a Mean Girls reference about Girl World. In a way, that friendship began because I began distancing myself from the girls and knew this girl was a kindred spirit. 12-11 years of friendship later, we're on opposite sides of political and social issues but we're still there for each other when it matters.

During the period of recovery and renewal between June and September 2006, I reevaluated most things in my life. I began learning about the religion of my childhood. I began to try to get rid of lot of bad habits. I had acquired quite a few of those in my years away from the Church so some of them took a couple of years to get rid of completely. I saw that the emptiness I felt was being fulfilled as I grew closer to God. I began to attend Mass, which I hadn't done between the ages of 13 and 21. I went to confession for the first time in almost a decade. I began to feel like my true, authentic self.

This past weekend I tweeted:

Furthermore, I have no idea how I managed to avoid all the crud in those yrs. I was surrounded with so much temptation to make bad decisions

— Emmy Cecilia (@nerdwriter) September 20, 2015

I made a lot of bad decisions as a teenager (really, who didn't?) but there are a few I'm happy that I was able to avoid. I avoided drinking myself stupid, doing drugs, sleeping around, and all your basic/cliché "I grew up in L.A." stuff. I still haven't touched anything alcoholic but now that has to do with my not wanting to have it alter my anxiety levels; doctor's orders. I still absolutely no desire to do drugs. My future husband will know that I've always chosen to wait for him, even when I had the opportunities to "get it over with" and didn't even think about sex from a religious point of view. I got rid of habits that were harmful to my soul but were seen as normal in my lost years. I became a better version of myself... even though I still think there's room for improvement. lol. For this I'm grateful.

I'm not here to say "look at me, all better/perfect now" or to shame anyone who might've gone further than I did. I'm so far from being perfect and, really, my Guardian Angel must've worked overtime to keep me on a good path. That's the only explanation I have because I was surrounded by some much temptation. I still make mistakes to this day and I'll continue to make them. I wanted to share this for two reasons.

First, I know I get a lot of young readers who are still in college and/or still in their teens. A lot of these readers may do things that they believe will forever brand/label them. They believe that because they've "messed up," that there is no hope for them. Please know that there is always hope to "start over" again. The Sacrament of Reconciliation exists for a reason. Our fallen human nature and our past does not define who we are or what we're capable of. Do I need to suggest you read St. Augustine's Confessions if you don't believe me? Because, seriously, read it if you think there's no hope for you. God's mercy and love is greater than anything you may say or do.

Second, I'm just so full of gratitude towards God. I know you guys are probably tired of hearing (or reading, in this case) me talk about trusting God. It's been the major theme in my life these last couple of months and this weekend's blast from the past just showed me what is possible through Him. I didn't trust Him then because I didn't know how to. I didn't think it was possible. I didn't consider myself religious. Still, He had greater plans for me than I had for myself. He knew what I was capable of and He guided me to where I am now. Again, I still have a lot to learn and some habits (the occasional impatience while driving... yeah...) to work on but that's okay. God will continue to guide me and I hope that by learning to better trust Him, He can do more for others through me.

And that is the longest post I've written in a while. Sorry! lol.

I still have the entire apartment to vacuum and help clean so I should go do that while there's still sunlight. ;)

I hope everyone has had a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Entrusting My Loneliness to God

First off, I want to say a huge "thank you!" to everyone who prayed for me over the weekend and earlier this week. As I mentioned in my last post, I felt myself going through a metaphorical desert for about a week and a half. I think that all the stress of being pushed and pulled in every direction by well meaning people (or, at least, I'm assuming they were well meaning), seeing my mom being mentally and emotionally bullied at work (please say a prayer for her if you can as it has yet to stop), and having the anniversary of dad's death all in the same week overwhelmed me. Like I said in the previous post, I shut down when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Lately, I've been feeling lonely. I feel like people take me for granted. I ask for little in return... and when I do ask for that little bit, I'm pushed to the side because no one wants to deal with it. I have been the confidant of so many people. I keep many secrets. I'm asked for advice (sometimes on things beyond my experience or knowledge) and I ask the Holy Spirit to help me say the right words to people, even if that's redirecting them to someone who may be able to better help them. I'm always there for friends when they need to cry, rant, explode with happiness, etc. That means that I've sacrificed sleep, sacrificed doing something for myself (even if it means eating), because I want to be there for my friends. However, lately it's seemed one-sided.

I needed someone to talk to this past weekend... and I had no one. I understand that my friends were busy and that they have things going on in their own lives. However, when I expressed feeling sad and drained due to the anniversary of my father's death, those I reached out to quickly changed the topic... or asked me if I was going to dwell on it all day. I didn't want much; I just wanted someone to listen to me for 5 minutes about how hard it is not to have my dad, despite his having passed years ago. I needed to tell someone how people are making me feel like I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. 5 minutes of talking to a human being, that's all I require. I don't need any words to be returned, a simple hug or the mention of a possible prayer would've been more than enough. That's all I need to be able to keep my spirits up. What I ended up with was feeling overwhelmingly lonely.

Having the fact that I'm still single shoved in face every single day by (again) well meaning people hurts. I've had to deal with this for the past two months, almost unceasingly. Like the age of 30 -- despite not looking nor feeling that old -- doomed me to a life of old maid (or a nun because it obviously meant that I wasn't meant to marry) if I didn't do anything about it right now. I've expressed not wanting my personal life discussed with frequency... to deaf ears.

I had NO issue with my state in life until it became the sole focus on some people in my life. I was fine being single; happy to be given the time to know myself after having spent my late teens and early 20s helping take care of my father during his last years of life. I didn't feel the "ache of loneliness" (as Jackie Francois once said)... until people kept bringing it up. That coupled with the fact that I felt like I had no one to talk to me made the loneliness seem worse.

My initial reaction to being engulfed with the feeling was to seek something to fill that loneliness... and, in a beautiful moment of clarity (while contemplating a novena to the Immaculate Heart of Mary), I realized that only God could suffice that gaping hole. I'm sure my daily recitation of the Rosary -- though I had to force myself to pray it on some days -- helped me reach that conclusion.

That was the turning point for me. My thoughts lately have been: "alright, God... no human being is going to fulfill that emptiness and loneliness; only You can do that." I said as much to my spiritual director at our meeting this week. When I said it to him, I realized that I was being led out of that desert by Him. I can't express how grateful I feel. I've known people who've felt the same (or greater) amount of loneliness and have sought comfort that ended up being a source of great regret for them. I didn't want to make that same mistake... and it looks like He didn't want me to either. 

I'm not sure how all of this (having Him fill that hole) to be accomplished but I trust Him. I'm going to start a double novena to the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the Sacred Heart of Jesus to entrust my heart to them. I'm going to seek refuge in them, especially during this time when I feel taken for granted, taken advantage of, and, sadly, feeling unloved... which leads to feeling lonely.

I'm sorry this isn't one of those happy blog posts but it's what's going on with me. Though I don't always express my feelings so easily -- and that stems from my desire to not trouble people -- I still feel deeply. Yes, I know that feelings aren't always to be trusted... but I still have them. It's what makes me empathetic (or so I've been told) and what makes me me. I like myself, emotions and all.

I also didn't write this blog post to shame anyone whom I know. My hopes for this blog post are to remind people that sometimes listening to a friend (especially the one whom you normally run to) is all they need and to tell anyone who's in the same boat that they're not alone. I know I'm not the first nor will I be the last. Oh, and to my friends: absolutely no hard feelings. I understand that we can't always be there for everyone. :)

Anyway, that's from me for now. I'm trying to cut my time online (yes, again) as part of my new self-care routine (which I will share in the near future) so I'm going to try to finish everything I need to do.

I hope y'all have a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Fortnight of Murphy's Law (?) and Some Heartache

As you might've noticed, it's been exactly two weeks since I last blogged. No, I didn't plan for the hiatus. In fact, I came up with a number of topics in that time but never seemed to find the time to blog because, as you might've guessed from the post title, I've had a heck of a fortnight. I am not saying that everything that happened were spiritual attacks... but I'm also not saying that they weren't.

The day after my last blog post, I headed to my usual (well, usual up until that Friday) time parked in front of the tabernacle. I'd been doing it for weeks so it wasn't unusual. However, I couldn't get through the Rosary or any prayers. I shook and felt physically ill, which I chalked up to the lack of a proper breakfast since I'd been battling a bit of insomnia the days before. After I left, I felt fine. I've only been back to church once (last week) because every time I've attempted, something happens so that I'm physically unable to even drive to the church. Mostly (as those who follow me on Twitter may have seen) it's been stomach problems that left me feeling terrible and dizzy. Oh, and the last time I went? Anxiety was through the roof and I couldn't even make it through the Rosary (had to do the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy first) because of how bad it was. Of course, when I finished and left, I felt fine. Silly.

How about Mass? Well, I haven't been to Mass (or confession) in two weeks either. The past two Saturdays and Sundays, Murphy's Law has once again set in. Sundays I usually have stomach issues (and dizziness to the point where I couldn't even stand straight last Sunday). It only lasts long enough for me to miss driving to Mass. Last Saturday I was feeling well... but a car hose decided to burst, leaking all the antifreeze and water out of my car. Took the mechanic two hours longer than anticipated to fix it... long enough for me to miss Saturday Vigil Mass.

Spiritual direction? Meeting cancelled last week because my SD ended up having a number of things overlap during the day. That was also the day my mom managed to get off from work early because she had a deep desire to pray in front of the tabernacle while I had my meeting. Yeeeah. Neither of us have managed to pray in a church... yet.

Again, not saying all of these things count as spiritual attacks... but I'm not saying they're not either. It's just curious (let's call it Murphy's Law, shall we?) that all these have happened lately, especially since I have been praying nonstop for two good friends who are discerning the priesthood and one who is discerning religious life. I'm just going to put this meme I found on tumblr here before I continue on:

So, what else has kept me from blogging? Well, I've experienced a good deal of heartache in the past month, but especially in the past two weeks. It doesn't necessarily involve heartache in a romantic sense but definitely in a platonic sense.

Without going into great detail, I've felt greatly disappointed in a friend who I deeply care about. I am using present tense but I don't easily shut off my feelings. Anyway, I actually did the novena of Mary, Undoer of Knots because I had been having a very uneasy feeling about the friendship. Hmm, not sure if uneasy is the right word. I was confused. Yes, that's more accurate. I was confused about the state of our friendship and I wanted clarity so I did the novena. What I didn't anticipate was the friendship completely unraveling.

Again, without going into detail, let's just say that I saw that I was making excuses for how this person had been treating me throughout almost the entirety of our friendship. It was very Jane Bennet of me (as my friends like to say). This person brought out the best in me -- the confidence I needed to be okay with how much I love the faith and the "traditional" aspects of it (i.e. mantillas, Latin Masses, etc) -- but I was being consistently (emotionally) hurt by their actions. The last thing this person did was show me how little respect they have for me as a friend... and I felt a great sense of betrayal that made me say "I'm done." I was blinded before but now I can see things clearly. Now you see why there was confusion on my end? It was a tricky situation.

During my last two confessions, the priests (yes, two different ones) advised me to look closely at my friendships and to distance myself from those that were hurting me. The last two weeks, I haven't had to do much -- my friendships have shown their true colors to me. This friendship that I cherished... well, it needed to end and I needed to see why it needed to end. While I am truly grateful for the wonderful things it brought me, I cannot continue it as it'd become an emotionally taxing roller coaster ride for me.

If these two last weeks of heartbreak have been part of the "Murphy's Law" (or spiritual attacks, if you wish to see them as such) and if they were meant to try to pull me away from God, it did the opposite. Yesterday, I wanted to cry (which, I admit, I'd been doing quite a bit of) but I had an even bigger desire to park myself in front of the tabernacle once again. Instead of it trying to dissuade me from my vocation (because it was somehow tied to it), it didn't sway me to go "well, then, I'll just become a nun or stay single." If anything, it showed me that Mama Mary is looking out for me and that I still felt God's presence. 

Sure, I might not have had the chance to attend Mass or even go pray in a church, but I still pray every day. I don't see what's happened as God not caring for me (though I had a pretty bad night, last week, when I felt almost pushed to believe that not even God cared for me). In fact, I like to believe that while, yes, the heartache stinks, it's all for the best. In the long run this disappointment and these tears will be forgotten and I'll be much happier.

So, there you have it. That's my excuse for not blogging over the past two weeks. I've been wanting to, but things always came up and I spent a good amount of time away from the laptop. Draw your own conclusions whether it was Murphy's Law or spiritual attacks.

I hope to blog more often now that I think (and hope!) I have everything sorted. We shall see. :D

Anyway, I hope y'all have had a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #23: Married Men and Temptations Edition

This post was originally going to be a follow up to last week's Speedy Questions post but I've had a very interesting week (blog post title should give you hints) so I'll write about that instead. I think it's more important to share some things that I realize that some of y'all also go through but don't talk about. Some of you may be uncomfortable with the topics but I haven't seen them posted anywhere and I know I cannot be the only person who goes through these things.

1.) As a single young woman who knows her vocation but has yet to find that special fella, it's very easy to fall into different types of temptations. You guys know I'm notoriously private about my relationships and this part of my life but I need to share this. During the volunteer work I've been doing lately, I met a nice fella with whom I could easily talk to because our personalities and temperaments just click. He is (to a T) the kind of guy that I like (except for the "he's not Tom Hiddleston" part, lol). My mom likes him, his mom likes me... so what's the problem? He's married! I knew this beforehand because my mom told me a long time ago so I was cautious. I am not the type of person to break up a relationship (even if it's just dating) so I made sure I didn't do anything that would be inappropriate. The moment he said something that let me know there was interest on his side, I avoided the guy as much as I could. I don't know his wife but I respect his mother, myself, and the sanctity of marriage to put either of us into any further temptation.

I know some of you will get upset at me for saying that I avoided him because I did nothing wrong, but that's the thing -- I could easily fall into temptation myself. I'm not saying I would ever go there (I wouldn't) but why push my luck? I'm a human being and I make stupid mistakes all the time. Guys aren't one of them (hi, still single here, lol) but that's not to say that I'm not susceptible to it not happening to me. The devil is sneaky; he'll find a way to turn something innocent into a terrible temptation. And, for the record, yes, for a split second some thoughts did enter my mind but I quickly recognized them and knew that they were not the type of thoughts I would normally have. I said the prayer to St. Michael Archangel and then spoke to the priest in the confessional about it (it all happened on a Saturday).

2.) What I'm trying to get at with this example is that, we single young women (and men!) need to be very careful to avoid temptation. My temptation could've easily become letting him appeal to whatever vanity I have by letting him (inappropriately) compliment me and call me beautiful (which he did). My temptation could've been making excuses for his actions because of the attention I was getting. My temptation could've been letting him commit adultery in his heart by letting myself stick around. Again, some of you may have issues with the way I phrased that last sentence but it is what it is. I have as much responsibility as he does to help each other avoid any kind of temptation. And I know some of you have been there or have been on the other end. I've heard of friends who have had their spouses hit on by coworkers, etc. It's terrible. I've seen relationships and marriages broken up because of people who have either simply tempted someone to be unfaithful (though it never went far enough) or have flat out broken up relationships.

3.) I see so many young woman (and men, I see y'all on Twitter, too) lamenting being single and having a deep desire to have any sort of attention that they don't even realize what harm they could be doing to themselves and others. I have amazing guy friends, many of whom are married at this point as we're mostly between mid-late 20s to early 30s. I know and am friends with their wives. They have my back (and act like big brothers) and I have theirs. I love them all (platonically) but there's a fine line that cannot be crossed. Even if they're just dating, there's a fine line between friendship and flirting that is clearly drawn. If I feel like one of them is dangerously close to that line (and it has happened), I make sure my actions speak for themselves. I pull back and even cut off all contact from them if necessary. If they don't get it, I will spell it out for them as bluntly as I am able to with my Jane Bennet tendencies. As I like to say, "homegirl don't play that."

I hope this post didn't seem like I am full of conceit and think of myself as someone who can cause temptation 'cause I don't. In fact, I am actually surprised I had this happen to me. I actually wanted to ask the guy what he was smoking when he said I was beautiful but I opted to pretend that I hadn't heard him and I physically removed myself from where he was.

I wrote this post because I've seen and heard it happen to others and I just want some people to know that no amount of flattery is worth causing problems. Even the nicest person can have a moment of weakness and make a huge mistake. Like I said, temptation will present itself whenever it gets a chance so we must be on our guard. I am just grateful that I have amazing spiritual direction, great friends who pray for me (and I did let two friends know about my predicament as it happened) and that God has blessed me with a hyper awareness of things (except when single guys are flirting with me; I'm clueless then. lol).

Anyway, that's all for now. I am super behind on NaNoWriMo (volunteer work, errands, and illness -- grr!) and I want to get some work done before the CMAs. Go Hunter Hayes (even if I am not even sure he's nominated for anything. lol).

I hope y'all have had a great week thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 8: Life Happens Edition

-- 1 --

Yes, I know... I dropped the ball for this week's What I Learned Wednesday post but it was for a good reason. I received my student number earlier in the week (officially an Aggie!) and I had to do my student orientation stuff online since I obviously don't live in Utah and can't go on campus easily. It definitely took much longer than anticipated so I spent my evening doing that. As for earlier in the week and day, I've been busy so I didn't get a chance. I may just write future posts ahead of time (when I have free time) so that I quit missing them.

-- 2 --

I found out that I have the option to attend graduation after I finish my post-BA/pre-MS program because I am technically getting a second Bachelor's (Bachelor of Science this time) degree. I am entertaining the idea but that is way in the future (at least a year and a half from now) so I still have time to decide. Still, it's so lovely of them to include us Distance Education students in the graduation ceremonies. I may just stay on for their grad program... which would mean moving to Utah for at least two years. We'll see.

-- 3 --

I had my spiritual direction meeting yesterday and it was all kinds of awesome. I need a major overhaul in my prayer life so these meetings are definitely necessary. It was also decided that I need to re-discern my vocation. I still believe that I am called to marriage (you know, when Prince Charming decides to stop for directions so he can get here. Men... :-P) but I want to be sure that I've properly discerned my vocation before I move forward.

-- 4 -- 

And while I'm on the topic of marriage: no, the Pinterest board I created (which I named "Going to the Chapel") is not for my wedding plans. I know some of you congratulated me on Twitter but I can assure you that I do not have any thoughts of matrimony at the present. The board was created to help plan the wedding of two other people, neither of who are me. I am not going to try to plan anything for myself until there's been a proposal. Capisce? lol.

-- 5 -- 

NaNoWriMo is starting in exactly one week from today... which means I'm going to be busier than usual. I have a ton of research to do this week in preparation for it, too. I want to write the entire sequel to Will and Lina (which is the current title to my first completed novel) during NaNo so that readers won't hate me too much for how the first novel ended. And that's all I'm saying so there's no spoilers. lol.

-- 6 -- 

I have been really missing some of my friends lately. Many of them I lost touch with when I deactivated my Facebook account because it's how they primarily keep in touch with everyone else. I've also been missing friends that have gone missing on Twitter. It's just a crummy "Emmy misses her friends" week for me. I need a hug in a cup (tea), a PB&J sandwich, and a hug. Stat!

-- 7 --

I've been encourage to either start podcasting or to prepare myself to start public speaking as part of my ministry (which I had no idea was a ministry? lol). I am not sure whether I have the time/energy to do it with everything else that I have going on but I may try it in the near future, before the SLP program takes over my life and after NaNo lets me breathe. lol.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

And that's it for now. See? I can do quick takes properly. lol.

I hope y'all had a great week and have a fab weekend. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Have I Thanked God Enough?

Lately it seems that God keeps showing me just what I saved myself from by turning my back on a couple of things in my teen years and early 20s.

For example: today I ran into an ex-boyfriend of mine. I hadn't seen him since a few weeks before high school graduation... or, I should say, my graduation as I found out today that he ended up dropping out while graduated a year and a half ahead of schedule. Two things led me to an early graduation: my father having cancer the first time around (in 2002) and my anxiety which led me to do independent study. I finished my entire senior year as well as part of my junior year in a single semester. 13 classes in 3 months. I didn't know the meaning of sleep during those months. I will gladly show you my transcripts if you don't believe me. Oh yeah... I've always been a hardcore nerd. lol. Anyway, I have no idea how I managed to do it but I did.

When I graduated high school, I took time off to take care of my father. When I did this I said goodbye to my social life as well as someone I was sort of seeing... who, by the way, was Mormon so we had different beliefs. I was a lapsed Catholic during this time and, though I still had my faith and no one could persuade me to convert to another religion, I'd been a little more careless when it came to who I dated. Anyway, by turning my back on the social circle I was in (which was not healthy to start with) and focusing on my father as well as myself, I was able to avoid who knows what. There were plenty of invites to go out and get crazy. Today, through my ex, I found out that I am one of the last (if not the last) of our childhood friends/classmates to either get married and/or have kids. At 25 (which the majority of us already are) everyone is settling or has been settled for several years. That doesn't sound bad except that the stories don't seem to have happy endings and it makes me sad to hear that. I actually felt very bad for my ex until he started hitting on me but that's a whole 'nother story. lol. From our chat I realized that not only I did the right thing by (in a sense) abandoning my chances of "having a good time" and rebelling just like everyone else did (oh, the sad stories I could tell you about old friends)... God was slowly putting me back on track. It took my father's battles with cancer as well as my own struggle with anxiety (which I still fight on occasion) to get me where I am now but these things ended up being blessings in disguise.

Have I thanked God enough for everything he's done for me? I don't think I have. I think that there's so much more that I can still do to show my gratitude. As many of my closest friends will tell you, I always say that I am truly grateful for everything I've gone through, especially the really bad things. I mean, I'm actually starting to thank God out loud when I get my panic attacks or when I get sick. I know it may sound twisted but if it's through suffering that I returned to God and the Church and if it's through pains and attacks that I am reminded of where I am and who I am today then I am happy and willing to suffer through it. That's something I learned from St. Gemma Galgani and something that is now etched into my heart and mind. I still don't think I am worthy enough to be called a "victim soul", one who suffers for others while on earth, but if I am strong enough to endure these things so that others don't than I am willing to carry this cross for as long as God wants. :)

Alright, I wish I could write more but it's already getting late and I have a lot of things to do so I should end this post. :) I think y'all have enough of my writing for one day. lol. :D

I hope y'all are having a great start of week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Quick Thought: Friendship and Jealousy

It's interesting to see just how much jealousy can damage friendships. It seems like no one has been immune to it this past week too. While it definitely hit me (though not directly because God's blessed me enough with a bit of common sense; I'm a bit too Elinor Dashwood in that sense), it seems that it hit others worse. It got me thinking: is being overcome with the emotion actually worth it? For me the answer is NO! I'm the kind of person that is able to stay levelheaded during these type of situations. God's blessed me with the ability to look at the picture clearly and without making rash decisions. I came to the conclusion that if something is meant to be it will be... and that includes friendships. If friendships are destined to end it's because it'll be best for both parties involved in the end. I've learned that very well and thank God for it. If friendships are destined to stay friendships, then they will. If friendships are meant to develop into something more, they will once both people are ready for that kind of relationship and commitment. What's so wrong with leaving it all up to God in the meantime? And why allow yourselves to get all worked up if things don't go the way you want them to? I've wanted many things (i.e. going to school abroad) but they haven't happened for many reasons and I've accepted it. Why not apply the same mentality when it comes to friendships and relationships? It would make things much easier and life a little better.

As for the jealousy one can feel because certain friends have things you don't, well... that's for another post. :)

While I am sad that a couple of my friendships are in the process of ending (as well as others being in the process of strengthening), I am eternally grateful to God for what I've been able to get from them. I feel no ill will towards them and I'm terribly sorry I couldn't offer them anything more. I will admit that for a minute or two I felt sick about the thought of it (and nearly cried) but, like I said, I remembered that I've given myself to God so whatever His will is for me I wholeheartedly accept.

And so that we don't end this on a negative note here's a song that came to my mind while this was going on. (It's a little silly but we all need it at times like this. :D)


Remember: Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. :D

'Til next time, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

God is Truly Amazing: A Late Night Epiphany.

I don't think we realize (or really think about) just how amazing God is until after He reveals something to us. Just as I am coming back from that inner struggle between apathy and wanting to move on and enjoy life to the fullest, God has shown me that He IS with me and that, thanks to His divine grace, I am exactly where and who I want to be. I want to cry tears of joy just thinking about it.

Out of sheer curiosity I looked up an old friend whom I used to count as a best friend. Without going into the gory details, our friendship ended around the time I got really sick, right before I returned to the Church. It didn't end well. She badmouthed me to anyone who would listen, dragging my name and reputation through the mud. How someone could go from telling you she appreciated you for who you were to being the opposite... well, I don't know. I don't remember what caused me to look her up but I am glad I did because God was able to show me what I needed to see.

Not only is she still holding a grudge against me, which is justified... I guess (this is the "I probably deserved it" mentality I've grown to have), she is still badmouthing me. This is YEARS after our friendship ended. My heart pounded, my anxiety reached a 10, and I wanted to cry. How could I have ended a friendship that would cause so much pain; pain that would ultimately cause someone to say so many hurtful (and often times, untrue) things about me? After the initial shock, I had an epiphany. If I hadn't gotten sick and subsequently rejected the path I was going on, I would've wound up in a place I would've hated. I don't want to think about what sins I would've been tempted to do.

I am not going to sit here and criticize her. I refuse to take that road. Despite what she's done and said, I have forgiven her and pray that God forgives her too. Lord, she may not truly know what she's really doing. I've seen the path she has gone down on, the path I would've continued going down on, and it's not pretty. I have never been so thankful for my illness as I am at this moment.

I've often said that I find my illness (anxiety/panic disorder) a blessing because it brought me closer to God. I am now even more grateful that God allowed me to see, through this late night/early morning epiphany, that He is incredibly merciful. If I had continued down the path I was on, I would be someone entirely different from the person y'all know today.

Can you imagine me cussing up a storm? Dressing immodestly? Jumping from guy to guy (though still not sleeping with them; that was one thing I've never had an interest in doing)? I would've probably also still abstained from smoking, doing drugs, and drinking (three other things I've never had any interest in) but I could've done other worse things. Lying to keep people liking me? Lying to my parents about what I was doing and with whom? Slowly poisoning my mind with lustful thoughts that could've easily made it into my mind and sight? Supporting things like abortion (which I have never supported) and other things liberals are passionate about? I feel sick to think that could've been me right now. At the same time I'm eternally grateful I was able to avoid that. Thank you, Lord, from keeping me from that!!!

It's nearly 4 a.m. and I should go to sleep so I'll say this one last thing: be thankful for every experience God gives you. You know the saying, "What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger?" It's true. I've survived so much (including malicious gossip and negative people) and I'd like to think I came out a stronger person because of it. And I owe it all to God who is truly amazing!

That's all for now. It's way past my bedtime. ;) I hope y'all have a wonderful Sunday. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Giving Thanks to God for Finding Myself

I'm terribly sorry I haven't written anything lately. I have started many blogs, but I haven't finished them for one reason or another. To be quite honest, I just haven't felt like writing much (apart from my novel). In the past couple of weeks, I haven't wanted to do anything. At all. Let me explain why this is.

As many of you know, I did not pass my Intermediate Algebra course by only a few points (I said three, I think). I had signed up for the next math class before I knew I hadn't passed... and they haven't dropped me from the class. I hope this means that either a) someone up there likes me and is helping me stay in the class, b) a computer glitch is allowing me to go onto College Algebra with the D (high D, but D nonetheless) I received, or c) they haven't figured it out and are waiting until the beginning of the semester to drop me. I hope it's either a or b because I want to get math over with. Anyway, while I was studying my brains out (I think my record was something like 14 hours in a single day) I thought to myself that maybe I wasn't meant to finish college. I overworked myself and I did not pass the class I worked the hardest in.

I also did my best in my Philosophy of Monotheistic Religions course but I got a C in it. I actually take that C with pride because I knew that I did not compromise my beliefs in order to get that A. I had a semester long battle with that professor (who I believe is an atheist or, at the very least, agnostic), and apparently I wasn't the only one. A fellow classmate, and friend, wrote a great paper on Christianity and she got a C on it. Whatever. I'd rather fail than deny my beliefs.

I did pass my Interpersonal Communications and Career Planning courses with A's, so the semester wasn't a total bummer. Many people have told me not to sweat the fact that I didn't pass math... especially since this was my first semester back since my father's death. I went back to school one month after he passed away. I knew that staying at home, mostly alone, would only hurt me. Still, failing hit me hard.

After the semester was over and I had nothing to do, I sort of freaked out. I have a tendency of overthinking things which is why, I suspect, my anxiety hasn't left me completely. The holidays were particularly hard on me. Every time I thought about how it was my first Christmas without my father... my first New Year that I didn't hug me and wish him a great New Year... I burst into tears. I'm still tearing up, just thinking of this... writing it all out.

I started to question a lot of things. Do I want to burden myself with the loans I would have to take to pay for school next year? Am I even supposed to finish college? Every time I've tried to go forward, something had kept me back. I thought about how maybe the previous times were because I was always planning on going abroad, and the Lord wanted to keep me in L.A. because my father didn't have enough time left with us. I am still unsure. I love school (I genuinely enjoy attending classes and studying) but in the last couple of weeks I just wanted to quit.

I've watched my mother slip deeper and deeper into her own depression, which emotionally drains me as well. All she does is sleep and work. She doesn't eat much and has lost a lot of weight. (I myself still haven't recovered the 10 pounds I've lost since dad passed away.) I feel completely helpless. It's like I stopped taking care of one parent, just to do it all over again with the only one I have left.

I've thought about how I've given up doing a lot of things I've wanted to do. As I get closer to turning 25 years-old (which will happen at the end of May), I wonder if I'll get to do what I've always wanted while I still have the chance to be somewhat selfish. Is this part of the quarter life crisis everyone is talking about? Friends, and priests, have told me to start living for myself... something I have not done very well.

In the midst of all of this, I clung unto an old friend and I was not quite sure why. I often call him my best friend... because that's what he's been. Through the good and bad, I've always relied on him to be my emotional support. My ONLY emotional support. I have friends... but none at this level. Most of my friends have been become acquaintances due to life's demands. It's very selfish and wrong of me to think and say this... but I felt very sad that at a time when I really needed my friends, I felt utterly alone. I still feel that way sometimes... but it's gotten easier these past couple of weeks.

Anyway, what I didn't realize is that the reason I held onto this friend like he was a life preserver was because he reminded me of the last time I was truly happy... which was at the end of 2006, a few months before my father was diagnosed with cancer the last time. During this time, I was very much in love with said friend. It was truly the most idealistic time of my life. I was returning to the Church (though still slipping) and I was really happy. Months later, my father was diagnosed with cancer and my friend (who ultimately became the inspiration for the male protagonist in the novel I'm writing) and I parted ways, everything went down hill. Those couple of months during the Fall and Winter of 2006 into 2007 were some of my best memories... which is why he came back into my life when I needed a reminder of that.

I believe God gave me a great gift on one of the most beautiful days of the year -- Christmas. On that day I realized two major things that have changed me in a good way. First, I realized what I was doing and thus I was able to let him (and subsequently everything that happened with my dad) go. Deep down I knew that though I love him (in a strictly platonic sense), I don't need him in the way I'd been thinking. Thanks to him I realized that I was content to be single and not have that added responsibility at the moment (especially since I take my relationships seriously AND my being on an emotional rollercoaster following my loss wouldn't have mixed). I also acknowledged that I needed to be more assertive, but that's another story. lol.

The second gift I received from God was acceptance. I accepted that I didn't pass my class, but I know there's a reason for that. I'd remembered that, just like my friend, just because you don't see/talk to your friend in a while, it doesn't mean that the love and respect isn't there anymore. Sometimes you have to be alone, and maybe the reason why I didn't have the emotional support I wanted was because I have to learn how to grieve and rely on myself for once. I also accepted the fact that I have changed, whether I want to or not, and that that's okay. In fact, I can honestly say that I am very grateful for everything I've gone through because it's made me the woman I am today.

With the New Year, I made a resolution to start the new chapter in my life. First, huge internal makeover (hence the lack of posts lately). I've taken time to find myself once again... find the person that was tucked away, for safe keeping, when I was a mess. I feel like I've done a lot of that lately.

Taking the advice of a new parish priest, Fr. Brian, I've allowed myself to start doing things I once loved. Writing, of course. I temporarily gave that up at the end of the year but I'm back with that. I wrote nearly 10,000 words in the past two days. I've embraced the literature geek in me and have started reading books I love again -- mostly Catholic literature and classics like Pride and Prejudice (and the like). I'm started watching movies again, lifting the hold on my Netflix account. As you can see, I've redesigned (with help, of course) the layout on this blog. It may be a tad girly, but this is who I am.

I am the girl that loves Jane Austen and the Victorian era. I am the girl that would be happy in a room filled with flowers. I love getting dressed up. I love the idea of having high tea with friends. I love the color pink. I do still love soccer but I'm letting myself be more girly than I have before.

I've made a resolution not to be so scared of what others may think of me. I owe part of that resolution to someone who's become somewhat of an unlikely role model for me. Though this person is very different from me, she's fearless and she's herself without letting the opinions of others affect her. Though I've been been able to ignore the negative comments, I've still been a people pleaser. I have the "if you don't like my blog background/layout, I'm sorry but this is who I am" mentality. Love me or hate me... I can't change the way I am.

I will probably be more outspoken on things such as being pro-life/anti-abortion and on being a hardcore believer in abstinence before marriage, though I know I will probably alienate some friends. Deep down I know that those who are my true friends, who disagree with my beliefs, will put it aside and still love me for me. I've had two great guy friends both tell me that, though their beliefs differ from mine, they still read my blog and they still respect what I have to say. (Austin and Matthew, thank you!)

So... new layout is due to a New Year, a new me, and a greater appreciation for God and His mercy on me. Thank you, God, for allowing me to find myself once again. :) May St. Cecilia (this blog's patron saint for the year 2010), help guide me down the path God wants me to take.

If you've made it this far, God Bless you for it! lol. I promise my other blogs won't be this long. I just wanted to get everything written. :D

That's it for now. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!