And… Green Light!

 

Hello there!

It’s been… months. Almost 7 months. I didn’t mean to go so long without an update but life and other adventures kept me busy.

In that time I finished the last online cohort of Reform Wellness. Last month they discontinued the online program to focus on in-person meetings. I learned a lot about myself and picked up a lot of knowledge that I’m slowly implementing to help me in all areas of my life. I’ve already seen the fruit of the program and hope I can dig deeper once I am able to focus on it once again.

In the last couple of months my health has been a roller coaster. I’m in the hands of a great allergist who has ordered tests for Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and histamine intolerance after all my allergy tests came back negative. Because I react to so many things (and have for several years), she agreed with the registered dietician who suggested I might have one or the other. Though I haven’t done the labs yet, we pretty much confirmed that I have MCAS when I had a severe allergic reaction to I.V. antibiotics at the E.R. The E.R. doctor said he couldn’t officially diagnose me but I clearly had mast cell degranulation symptoms. I ended up getting Benadryl, prednisone, zofran, and something else to calm the reaction down. It was the first time I ever had a reaction in which I honestly thought I was going to die. I was grateful I had the doctor in the room when I started reacting and that I had mentioned MCAS earlier because he was able to help immediately. (Side note: my mom, who was at the hospital with me, blames him for giving me an antibiotic I had not okayed — he had told me of a different one but that’s another story.)

After that episode,  it took a full month for the flare up from that episode… and now I’m having a POTS flare-up because it was 104 degrees Fahrenheit last time I checked and, despite having central AC on and a neck fan blasting, it’s still too hot for me. It’s a never-ending cycle of flare ups from about mid-April until late September or mid- October. It’s a pattern I’ve noticed over the last few years so at least I can prepare well as I can and hope it’s enough.

This leads me to a realization I had yesterday and needed to get it out through writing.

For the last couple of months, I’ve felt like God has closed another (major) chapter in my life;  like He’s prepared me with the tools I need to move forward… but I don’t know when, how, or why. I’m trying not to be a toddler by continually asking Him “why?” though it’s tempting.  I really want to; I hate surprises and like to be prepared for anything that might happen but if there’s one big thing I need to do is to re-learn how to trust God.

Next month I’ll celebrate my fifth anniversary as a Benedictine oblate. I would be lying if I said that these last 5 years haven’t been the hardest of my spiritual life. While summer into fall of 2023 was when I was in the pit of spiritual desolation and saw the mass exodus of Catholic “friends”, I can now see why all of that was absolutely necessary for my personal and spiritual growth. And I’m seeing my current health struggles as part of that growth.

Those of you who’ve been reading this blog for a long time may recall me saying that I never felt as close to God as when I was sick. I felt a greater purpose for my health issues, even if I didn’t know them at the time. And that continued until November 2020 when I felt like His presence was completely gone. That zeal and fire remained missing for a few years while my focus became on my health. Sometimes it felt like He had given me permission to be selfish and focus on myself but I didn’t like the great chasm I felt between Him and I. I don’t remember if I ever wrote about what happened during those months in 2023 (I’ll go back later and check; I’ll write a post if I didn’t) but it was the worst time in my life. My physical health was the best it had been in years but all other areas in my life had fallen apart, especially my spiritual life. Now that my health is back to “square one” with re-learning about myself (three years of steroids and two years to get back to my baseline normal, I feel like I did during my reversion in the summer into fall of 2006.  I think we’re back on that path, but this time I’m a more willing participant in carrying my health cross(es).

There have been a few changes in recent months that feel like I finally have all of the puzzle pieces that I currently need; enough to move forward and be proactive in my life while still having to place a lot of trust in God with things I’ve yet to figure out.

My biggest challenges at the moment are trying to hand over full control of my life to God and move forward after being stagnant for so long. After these last 6 years and everything I went through — from the near fatal adrenal crises, losing my eyesight, becoming disabled with chronic illnesses, having the medication that initially kept me alive (during adrenal insufficiency) then mess up my brain chemistry for a long time, and now being back at my baseline and having to deal with health issues I have to actively work at managing — it’s no wonder that I’m having problems doing it. I’ve been in this hyper-independent, selfish mode for so long, it’s going to be hard breaking the cycle. But I’m willing to do it.  

For years I felt like God asked me to stop and stay where I was. Little Miss Independent/Driven was forced to stop and just… be. I didn’t always trust Him during that time (again, I’ll go back and see if I ever wrote about that time) and I hated feeling stuck… but I think I now understood why. And I’m grateful for that time of rest. But now I can’t do that anymore. I can’t stay still. I can’t ignore that God has placed very concrete things in my life that I feel like He’s asking me to do. I can’t ignore that tug in my heart to let go of some things and move forward. So that’s what I’m going to do. And I’m sure I’ll be kicking and screaming some of the way but, hey, if that’s what needs to happen for me to get back to where He wants me to do, let the tantrums run. 

I don’t know how much of this journey I will share on this blog. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more private. Or perhaps I’ve simply become more Benedictine in my ways. But when I feel, deep in my gut, that maybe I should share something, I will. The spiritual stuff, definitely. The rest? I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Anyway, that’s my update for now. I make no promises about when I’ll write again but I will. I have a feeling God is not done with me (or me sharing my faith journey) yet.

I hope you’ve all been well since the last update.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

Two Years Later… Surprise!

*taps mic* Is this thing still on?

Hi, everyone! I bet none of you thought you’d see this blog — or me writing on this blog — again but… surprise!

As those of you who are still following me on social media might’ve noticed, I’ve been slowly pulling away from social media for the last year or so. I did say that I would at some point (and some of you may remember what needed to happen for me to do so) and the time has come. I’m not giving it up completely because most people are still allergic to emails or even text messages and social media seems like the best place to let y’all know I’m still alive. And now I’m adding this blog back in the mix of ways of letting y’all know how I’m doing.

A couple of months ago I felt the tug to return to this particular blog. I talked to my bestie about it and gave myself a December deadline to decide. And, as you can see, I decided to return. I had unlisted this and my other blog for a while due to AI scraping of blogs (and I still don’t give permission to anyone or anything to use any of my posts to train anything AI) but the tug was too strong to return. That and I had a few people message me about past posts they wanted to re-read so… here y’all go!

A lot has happened in the last two plus years since I last updated this blog. 

On the health front: I’ve been in remission from secondary adrenal insufficiency since the last post. It took a year and a half for my body to get back to my “base.” It was a tough time with my body re-learning what it did and didn’t tolerate, my hormones going crazy (I was on steroids for three plus years), and my autoimmune issues trying to cope with it all. In that time I was also unofficial diagnosed with POTS. My cardiologist didn’t have the equipment to formally test me but I’ve had all the symptoms for years so he added me to his list of his “POTS girlies” patients and still see him for it. I have my off days but I’m learning my triggers for POTS and the other autoimmune issues that were finally diagnosed so it’s all optimism right now.

On the vocation front: I “discerned out” of becoming consecrated virgin. I’m glad I discerned it because I learned a lot about myself, my faith (which I’ll get into in a future post), what I did and did not want, and I understood why I had to discern it. No regrets whatsoever and I pray for those still discerning it. It’s a such a beautiful and often misunderstood vocation that I was ultimately not called to. I’m very happy where I ended up. I’ve chosen to keep this part of my life off social media for reasons that surprise no one who knows me well. Just know that I’m very happy and feel incredibly blessed. I feel like I’m right where God wants me with the people He wanted me to have in my life. There’s a lot of love and I’m grateful for it.

As weird as it may sound, I’m in love with where I am in my life right now. My health stinks most of the time but I’ve learned to live with it. The winter months are typically better for me than summer so here’s hoping the trend continues and I get a little break from the flare ups. 

I love my friends who are basically family at this point. It’s crazy but wonderful to think about how I’ve known some of them for over two decades now. 

I’ve healed or am still healing wounds that I had from childhood. I have a better relationship with family members I once had problems with. I learned how to set and maintain healthy boundaries and that’s helped maintain peace in all my relationships. 

While I no longer work, I still occasionally write here and there. Ellipsus is my new best friend for these specific things that I’m writing, most under a pen name and currently mostly for myself and trusted beta readers.

I’m grateful for the journey that has gotten me to where I am — with the people who I share this beautiful life I live — and I thank God for every bit of it. The good. The bad. The difficult. The humbling. The wonderful. The surprising. All of it. 

Anyway, this was just a mini life update to return to the blogging world. I didn’t touch on faith matters because that’s going to cover the two hardest years of my life as a Catholic and that’s a long post I need to write. And, yes, if I’ll be posting about my stream-free year at some point. I started writing a couple of weeks ago but I’m waiting until we’re closer to the end of the year to post it because I want to see where it ends (how many CDs, DVDs, and Blu-rays I ended up using).

I have no set schedule. I’ll just update as I feel like sharing something and don’t want to spend too much on social media. Which is now most of the time. 

Anyway, I hope you’ve all been well! 

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!

The Big Health News I’ve Been Keeping for the Last Month

 

It’s been almost 3 weeks since I took my last dose of hydrocortisone and I can tell the difference.

This is where I let y’all on a little secret only a handful of people have known for the last month: while I won’t get my official results for another two weeks (and I won’t get the lab work done until next week), my endocrinologist believes I’ve officially been healed/have recovered from adrenal insufficiency. The previous two lab orders shows that my body was producing 3-4x the amount of cortisol on lower doses. Not only that, I had too much of other hormones and my chronic pancreatitis and elevated A1C despite eating healthier were indicators that the hydrocortisone was starting to affect my health because I no longer needed them. 

So, all the health issues I’ve had for most of the year seem to have been little signs that my body was healing/had healed. That affected so many different things, including my mental health. That also seems to have fueled the depression that added wood to the desolation fire. It’s all connected — mind, body, and spirit.

I’m still not 100%. My body is now getting used to not having the steroid in my system. I’m struggling with insomnia right now. My concentration issues, brain fog, and memory are all still shot. But everything else seems to be getting back to normal. I’m a lot less exhausted than I was on the medication — except for maybe the last month or so when I had so much energy that I went 4 hours dancing non-stop and I still wasn’t tired when I made myself stop just so I wouldn’t overdo it. Seriously, it was odd after the last couple of years of being perpetually exhausted. But I’m doing a lot better with other symptoms.

By the way, did I mention when I got the news? On the eve of the feast of St. Elizabeth of the Trinity… who died from primary adrenal insufficiency and whom I’d asked for her intercession. I mean, I’ve bugged so many saints about my health but I think it was beautiful that I got the news on the eve of her feast day considering she’s patroness of the condition.

So, what happened? As best as my endo can tell, my body was under a lot of stress from a variety of sources — some health and some personal — and it all contributed to my adrenal glands getting overworked and shutting down. So, the initial diagnoses were correct and I indeed had secondary adrenal insufficiency and not primary (Addison’s). My adrenal glands were so damaged that it took nearly three years to start functioning normally again.

Where do I go from here? I mean, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. A lot of possibilities have opened up now that I don’t have to worry about the adrenal insufficiency. In these last 3 years I’ve learned how to take better care of myself — physically and mentally — and I can use those things to continue to thrive. But there are still other things that won’t allow me to get back to pre-diagnosis “normal.”

I’m still visually impaired (and technically legally blind) and only an absolute miracle would make it not so. There is zero hope for me to regain my eyesight as it was as far as any medical doctor is concerned. Also, my health isn’t 100% only because I no longer than adrenal insufficiency. I’m a bit older and my body was put through so much that I still have to take care of myself in a different way than I did before.

I’ve gained a lot. I have a lot more freedom (in a way). I have a sort of second chance in all areas of my life. I have some amazing friends after others decided to end our friendship when I had mentally reached rock bottom (when it was suspected that the meds were starting to affect me negatively and I had communicated as much). I even have a chance to take my writing career in a different direction. That will mean harder work and starting over, in a way, but it would also be a fun challenge. For reasons I will not share on here (basically, because I never do) I need to go back to the drawing board in regards to my vocation discernment. I’m very much “off the market” but I still need to discern that further once I’m out of the desolation because there is no way I’m making any decisions stuck here.

And, actually, that’s why I’m unsure about anything — I made the decision to not make any big decisions until I was out of the desolation. No one get too excited but… I can see it lessening. Again, I fully think part of this came with the steroids messing with my brain chemistry and me just going a little banana nut bread because I can see the difference with how I’m reacting to things and how I’m thinking about them. How I would’ve handled another friendship disappointing me a couple of months or even weeks ago is not how I’ve been handling the most recent disappointment. The aversion to all things religious isn’t as strong.

I will say that the desolation and the meds messing with my mind (and my spiritual health) is that it brought out all of my doubts and other negative traits into the spotlight while simultaneously healing some things. I see where I have to work on some things I didn’t think I needed to (or had overcome).

I’m currently in the internal fight between knowing what’s right and what’s wrong and what has been my “reality” for the last 6 months of desolation and not thinking clearly. I’ve gotten a new perspective on certain things that my scrupulous mind would’ve blown out of proportion. I’ve distanced myself from Catholic “news” which I saw was actually harming me, spiritually. I’ve been really looking at the things that fueled the desolation and getting to the root of them. Some things I’ll hold onto and some things I’m letting go…

However, I’m still in a very vulnerable place despite the desolation beginning to very slowly dissipate. I’m not fully back to the Church… and I sometimes fear that I may never be. Why? Because I still have a lot of things to work on and I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to get through it all while still surviving life in general. The desolation really knocked any confidence I had about my faith and my spiritual life completely out of me. I find it even more difficult to even want to talk to God. But I’m going to give myself some time before I declare myself a lost cause (unlike others who gave up on me a long time ago). I’m still slowly (very slowly) returning to myself without any medication altering anything so I’ll have to wait to see how things unfold. And, again, this goes back to the uncertainty of anything. Heck, I don’t even know if my brain will ever be the same or if the medication has permanently altered things and how that’s going to affect everything, my spirituality included. 

I used to be a planner. I used to love to plan things far in advance. I’ve found myself no longer doing that. I’m trying to enjoy the present instead of trying to live in the future or even the past. At the moment, my priority is taking care of myself, keeping the boundaries I’ve set for things and people, and trying to get used to my new normal. It means going with the flow when things change and trying not to stress over it. 

It means enjoying the people around me — laughing, singing, dancing, and simply being surrounded by people who bring out the best in me. It means having a goal or two but not being so attached to them in case things change. It means so many other things that will be tweaked as they come up… and I’m totally okay with that.

And I think that’s it for now. I’m gonna go hang out with my girls in a little while but I wanted to get this out in a rare “blog writing” urge because I find myself wanting to blog less and less. Like I said, my writing career might be headed in a different (more secular) direction so keeping this blog updated (or starting a new one from scratch to reflect where I might be headed) is something I need to think about. When I’m able to with better clarity, which I don’t currently have.

Okay, that’s it. I’m gonna go see what shenanigans the girls and I are going to get into tonight and this weekend. lol.

I hope y’all are well! 

It Isn’t Any Better But It Is in Some Ways

 

No, your eyes do not deceive you. I am indeed blogging. I know, it’s been months! And I know I owe y’all an explanation for why I’m now wearing glasses despite still being legally blind but I wanted to talk about something else in this post. It’s sort of in the vein of The Secularization of Emmy post.

First, I haven’t blogged for two big reasons: I’ve been busy because I actually have a social life now (whaaat?!) and because I’ve been knocked out by the weaning off of the hydrocortisone process. The latter will get its own post in a couple of weeks (once I get the final results). 

In early September, I voluntarily agreed to host a group of lovely women I’d met over the last couple of months for a weekly get-together. We’re now in our second month and I haven’t missed a single week, even when I was completely wiped. I’m actually pretty proud of myself for that because I could’ve easily said, “I’m not feeling well… eh, I’ll postpone it.” But I didn’t. I don’t know if it’s the Benedictine in me or if it’s just the old Emmy coming out again… because I used to love to plan get-togethers and outings for friends. I’m what you call an ambivert (social introvert) but, while I tried to get my health and everything else in order, I shied away from it. Well, not anymore. The group (whom I refer to as “my girls”) continues to grow and I was invited to join another group of gals so… busy me. 

It’s been wonderful and I’m learning so much about myself from these ladies. We differ greatly. The age range is roughly mid-late 20s to early 40s with a couple of older ladies who are young at heart. Some of are single, some are dating, most married. Some have children, some don’t. A few of us are religious (though, to my knowledge, I might be the only Catholic), most aren’t. Our political affiliations and views vary greatly though the majority are liberal. So, it’s been a learning process for someone who identified as a conservative, trad-leaning Catholic. And, no, that was not a typo. I did write “identified” in the past tense.

And this is why I’m writing this post. It stems from the series of tweets I shared yesterday after seeing that a priest said that most devout Catholic women don’t have mental health issues… and, boy, do I disagree with that. While I don’t consider myself a “devout Catholic” woman because this desolation has pushed me as far as it can without me saying I’m no longer Catholic, I know so many devout Catholic women who suffer from anxiety, PTSD, depression, etc. because of life circumstances or even chemical imbalances. My own depression (which started this past summer) seems to be tied to the use of the hydrocortisone. We’ll have to give my body some time to readjust with life without the daily use of those steroids (which I took for 3 years and a month) and see how my mental (and spiritual) health recover. Or doesn’t.

That disagreement led to be honest about what life has been since summer (which I’ve already mentioned in a past post). Like I said, I’m as far as I can get from where I was without abandoning the faith. I still keep up the bare minimum as an Oblate because I made those life-long promises and I’m someone who will honor those promises even when I don’t feel like it. I have yet to make it to Mass (though most of that has been due to health issues) but my SD has made it out to my home to hear my confession and bring the Eucharist. It’s been 2 months so I’m overdue but I’m trying.

“Lord, this is all I can do. Sorry.” That’s what’s going to be my motto for the foreseeable future. I can’t do more. Can I? Very much… but it take s a lot of mental strength and will power which I just lack. It’s all part of the depression. I jokingly say I have high-functioning depression because I can be there and “on” when I need to but it takes so much strength and effort to get myself to that place… and when I don’t have to, I’m just completely exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. Again, it might all be tied to the hydrocortisone and I just took my last dose this past Monday so give me a couple of weeks/months to see if there’s any improvement.

At the moment, I feel numb to the faith. I was so steeped in all things Catholic for nearly 17 years that I recognize which things are “good” and which are “bad.” I know which things go against the faith and I’ve been able to stop myself from doing stupid things. Not all the things but most of the things. I need to watch my feisty/sassy side a little more (it’s always been there but I had it mostly hidden for a long, long time). But, for the most part, I think I’ve done the best I can under the circumstances. 

All of this feels like a sort of spiritual rebellion. I know where some of it stems from. I think God is allowing it so that I can see what life is without Him and what life will continue to be if I were to choose to completely walk away. It’s a very interesting crossroads I didn’t think I would see. And that crossroads doesn’t just include my spiritual life. It includes all areas of my life. All.

I’m still going to quote Mary Poppins and say, “First of all I would like to one thing quite clear. I never explain myself.” The Taylor Swift song lyrics on X/Twitter  is a very Millennial thing for me to do and, yes, there’s a reason for them. But, like I said, I’m not explaining myself. When have I ever? lol. If you know, you know…

I know those and other recent heart emoji-filled posts on X (formerly known as Twitter) have made people wonder if I’m still discerning consecrated virginity and the answer is simply “no.” I’m going to leave it at that for now.

Look, I’m happy right now… or, at least as happy as I can be knowing there is this feeling emptiness because of the big obvious void in my life. No amount of dancing, singing, laughing, nor any swoon-worthy green eyes will fill that hole and I understand that. But that’s where I am right now and I’m trying to make sense of both the things that make me happy and make me feel alive with the gaping void on the other side.

I love my friends. My ride or die friends have stuck by me during this hard time while so many have bailed on me. I love the few Catholic friends who’ve stuck around. My oblate sister, one of my besties (the one I watched TSITP with this past summer), and the rest who are making sure I’m still hanging in there. I would not trade them for anything in the world. My new friends are also pushing me to be the best version of myself despite our big differences. They’re the type to call me out on my crud and keep my humility in check while willing to cut someone for messing with me. My girls have been responsible for my current social life and for me not falling back into that pit of depression I was in this summer. 

I’m moving forward with my career, in a way. I still don’t know if I’m return to my “roots” but I’m having fun in the process of figuring it out. All I know is that I refuse to let the legal blindness keep me where I’ve been the past three years.

As my friend Rey recently said, I’m a cross between Taylor’s 1989 and Folklore albums — I’m “very pink and poppy and silly but good for heavy introspection.” And I don’t know a better description of who I am than that. lol. I’m being girly and silly and I’m loving life while also taking the time to reflect and try to move forward in the best way I can.

This is a big growing period for me. In a way I feel like I’m 20 years old again, with my life stretched out in front of me like a blank canvas awaiting to be painted. I have no idea what the final picture will be… I don’t know what colors or even what materials I’m going to use. But I’m excited for whatever will happen in the process. 

People may be disappointed in me for “how far I’ve fallen” or for whatever reason but I’d like to ask those of you who feel that way to ask yourselves why. I’m just a girl with a blog. I’m human. I make mistakes. Life is not a linear journey. Sometimes we stray off the right path but we find ourselves way. Sometimes we just don’t. 

 No one but God knows why He’s allowing me to be in this place; why I keep “failing” or “not trying hard enough.” Only He knows if I’ll ever come back to what y’all are used to (via blog and social media) or if this is a growth period that will see me change in ways that people may not like but will be necessary. Maybe I’m simply a “lost cause” and there’s no return for me. I don’t know. All I know is that I haven’t given up on myself, even if others have. And I’m okay with that.

Anyway, that’s it. I gotta get ready before I spend some time with my girls.

I hope y’all have a lovely weekend!

The Secularization of Emmy

 

I know I haven’t blogged in over two months. In all honesty, I’ve had to sit with my thoughts and everything I’ve recently gone through in order to be able to write this post. 

As I wrote in the last post, I was plunged into a deep desolation that I’m still not completely out of. This is something I’m keeping my spiritual director in the loop with for obvious reasons.

It’s been a difficult two months but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m used to the desolation. It’s as normal as breathing for me at this time. It doesn’t mean I like it. It doesn’t mean I’m not constantly asking God to take it away; that I’m not constantly doing novenas to various saints (currently to St. Therese of Lisieux), asking for their intercessions. But it’s very much my default coping mechanism. I can’t change it? I accept it and try to make the most out of it. It’s what I’ve done with every single setback I’ve experienced in the last couple of years. It’s how I’ve survived becoming legally blind, getting diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency, and every other crummy thing I’ve experienced. 

I think that the thing that has helped me out the most is knowing that St. Teresa of Calcutta (a.k.a. Mother Teresa) experienced something like this for literally decades. It wasn’t a short term thing like some of these “dark nights of the soul” have been for other saints. I don’t know the specifics of her story (I still don’t have the mental or spiritual capacity to tackle a book on it… or, really, anything Catholic) but I know she struggled with a deep desolation that really did a number on her for years. So, keeping that in mind, I try not to beat myself too much over things I try and can’t do.

I’m not praying the Rosary most days and it’s a miracle when I remember to do it. Most days (at least recently) it’s because I forget to. If it wasn’t for my Benedictine oblation, I probably wouldn’t do any spiritual reading (I pray a bit of the Holy Rule every morning) or have any good prayer life. I get most of the Divine Office hours in most days. At the very least, I get Lauds, Prime, Vespers, and Compline in every day (though I missed Prime this morning because I got distracted and lost track of time this morning). I do novenas. I’m keeping up with the 9-month Annunication novena. I’m keeping up with praying for all U.S. Bishops (a project that is done by the National Shrine of Our Lady of Champion). I’ve only missed Mass once on a Sunday when the feed to my parish’s evening Mass wasn’t working and it was the last one live-streamed for the day). My mind wanders so quickly and I read/pray the Divine Office automatically and my brain doesn’t grasp anything but I try. It’s really all I can do.

A couple of months ago (around the time and shortly after the last blog post), I couldn’t hear anything about the faith without getting inexplicably angry. It felt like my body wanted to physically reject anything that had to do with the faith. Rosaries, images of saints (and especially Our Lady and Christ), the Crucifix. It was the weirdest physical sensation, akin to how my body feels when I have an allergic reaction or is having a reaction to something that it’s intolerant to. I’m thankfully no longer there but it was intense.

I lost one of my best friends and a lot of followers on social media during this time. I felt isolated from friends because no one knew how to react to what I was experiencing… not even priest friends, which honestly hurt. I had a couple of priest friends occasionally reach out to tell me they were praying for me but that was it. People didn’t like how I was acting or what I was saying… and never did I. The only ones who seem to stick around during the worst of it were my oblate Sister (whose conversation really helped turn things around for me a couple of weeks ago), another one of my best friend, and my friends from my pre-reversion days (all of who are atheist or agnostic). It actually surprised me how I felt completely abandoned by my Catholic friends and community but not the atheists and agnostics. I don’t know if it’s because they’ve known me for most of my life or what but it didn’t help the desolation whatsoever. 

God bless one my best friend with whom I watched new episodes of The Summer I Turned Pretty as they were premiering weekly. She was the only person I talked to on an almost daily basis, which honestly saved my mental health during this time. If I hadn’t had something like the show to look forward to and to distract me or have someone I could message and talk to on a regular basis, I don’t know how deeper the depression would’ve gotten. And I appreciated that she didn’t try to “fix” me. She made it clear that she was there if I needed to talk but also didn’t push me. And I appreciated that because most people wanted me to do x, y, z and would get frustrated or even angry with me when I said I wasn’t in a good place where I could do what they were suggesting. It wasn’t me trying to be difficult; it was me telling them what I couldn’t do and it made people upset with me. It felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough even though I knew I was.

I feel like God hasn’t abandoned me… but I’ve abandoned Him without meaning to. And I try to get back to where I was or to feel some sort of connection to anything faith related… but I can’t. I have very small moments of consolation every couple of weeks or so but it’s very fleeting and then I’m plunged back in. In a way, it feels like God is reminding me of where I was pre-reversion and making me see how I’d rather suffer than go back to that… because I’ve fallen back into my pre-reversion life. Not completely but I’m definitely living a more “secular” lifestyle and slowly drifting back into the entertainment business (as many have probably noticed with my support for the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes, though I’ve been more vocal about the WGA strike for obvious reasons). 

I don’t have deluded visions of grandeur as a screenwriter but I definitely see myself returning to my “roots” in the industry that started when I was a teenager. It’s become a sort of “well, if I’m going to be living a more secular life, I might as well try to do something good with the gifts God has given me.” I don’t have the looks, talent, or even age (at this point) to act but writing? That I can do, even with my visual impairment. I’m still discerning whether I’ll pursue this fully but, for now, I’m still working on novel four. The point is that I’m looking at how I’m going to live my life in a more secular way as I move forward with the desolation firmly intact.

I’m the type of person who takes vows and promises seriously, especially from an authority figure, so I can see myself being able to keep whatever has been asked of me as an oblate for life. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. Even during the worst of the desolation, I didn’t waver from it. The rest is more difficult but I try to get some semblance of my former spiritual life whenever I can. 

Also, despite living with a deep desolation, I had 16 years (between my reversion and the onset of the desolation) of learning and understanding of faith matters to know what is and what isn’t permitted by the Church; what I personally need to do and not do unless I want to find myself back in the confessional more often. I still can’t do or say certain things in good conscience. These things have been deeply ingrained in me for over a decade and a half so I think that’s what’s helping me not slip completely. It’s all second nature to me and it would take something insane to throw me off completely, even if I don’t feel close to God or attached to anything regarding the Church (except my oblation promises and my spiritual family at Clear Creek Abbey).

So, that’s where I am. I don’t know how long I’ll be in this desolation. I don’t know if it’ll last for the rest of my life. I don’t know if things will ever get as bad as they were a few months ago… but God has shown me that I’ve been able to get through the worst of it so maybe I’ll be okay even if I’m here permanently.  

Anyway, that’s it for now. I wanted to share where I was at this point in my life… and also give my new contact lenses a bit of a workout. Oh yes, you read that right. I’m still legally blind but I was prescribed contact lenses to help with the residual sight in my left eye… which maybe I’ll share in the next post because that itself has been one crazy journey. My optometrist is still experimenting with this and she seems to be loving the challenge. That’s all I’m saying for now. 

I hope you are all doing well.

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!