Hitting Rock Bottom and Starting Over

 No, your eyes do not deceive you… new blog post only a few days after the last one. I know, I’m surprised, too!

After I wrote the last post, I went back to read the few posts I’d written in 2023, including those I wrote when I was in the thick of my desolation (starting the summer of 2023). Reading the entries brought back all the memories. All the hurt. All the sadness. All the hopelessness. But I also saw that I didn’t share some of the worst of it. So, I’m going to do that now. Why? Because I hope that, if someone is going through something similar, it’ll hopefully give them some glimmer of hope for their own future.

During the worst of that spiritual desolation, I didn’t want to do anything that was Catholic. I didn’t want to pray. I didn’t want to listen to the Mass if it was streaming and I couldn’t get to it in person. Even the sight of the crucifix was painful. My body physically recoiled at seeing the crucifix at that time. Yes, having too much steroid medication in my system contributed to it but, in hindsight, I think it was all God’s way of helping me grow up.

When I reverted in 2006, I had such a strong zeal for the faith. It cost me little to give things up as sacrifices. I was so eager to embrace everything about the faith. God placed the right people in my life at the right time. He used me to get both of my parents back to the faith after decades of them being away. Everything was great. Sure, I had my medical issues that started popping up during that time, but my faith kept me strong. As difficult as it was, I didn’t think twice about offering up my suffering for others, even if it meant that I could potentially feel worse as a result. 

I knew I wasn’t called to the religious life but I also had a desire to be a part of an order as a “lay” person. I looked into the Carmelites (because of St. Therese) and the Dominicans (because of St. Pier Giorgio Frassati) but it was my former spiritual director who introduced me to the Benedictines. They ended up being the best suited for me for many reasons so I began the journey to becoming an Oblate (which I was able to become in August 2021).

Almost simultaneously, I started discerning consecrated virginity. I was on that discernment path for a couple of years (4 to be exact) until my desolation hit. Then I put that on hold in 2023 because I didn’t want to discern anything until I was in a better place, both spiritually and mentally. I eventually came out of the desolation but even then I was already sure that I wasn’t called to be a CV (which I hadn’t felt called to pursue since about late 2022 though my former SD encouraged me to continue). And even though I wasn’t called to be a CV, the discernment time brought a lot of fruit that I wouldn’t see until later.

I had a very idealized vision of what my faith needed to look like. I was going to be a consecrated virgin, who was also a Benedictine oblate, and I was going to dedicate myself solely to doing all of that as perfectly as I could. Are we seeing where that was the wrong thing to think?

The desolation brought out my worst qualities, fears, and wounds out into the open. 

I was angry at those who abandoned me (the abandonment from a spiritual father was the deepest wound I received during that time) when I most needed help and guidance. 

I was angry at and disappointed with people others had presented to me as the ideals of what I should be like; people who I befriended and who made me feel unworthy, unlovable, and even intolerable.  I won’t give more details about this because, even though I was deeply hurt, I won’t put any particular persons on blast for what they did. 

I saw my faith community dwindle and only the “ride or die” friends stayed… because they knew who I was and knew that what I was going through was not who I was deep down. I think it’s safe to say that I was angry at God for taking my community away from me. Why? Because of deeper wounds I had — wounds that made me want to be liked by everyone; to earn their love. 

I placed my self-worth and value on the opinion of others. I thought that if I was the perfect version of myself, I’d be liked and I wouldn’t feel like I was the girl who didn’t fit into these neat little boxes that people wanted to place me in. And when I tried — and failed! — I was angry and hurt. And, yes, I was also afraid that I would be left without anyone.

I now firmly believe that God allowed all of that to happen so I could detach myself from all of that — from the perfectionism. From the people-pleasing. From my spiritually immature view that I needed others (my community) more than I needed God Himself. Because that’s what it basically boiled down to.

Instead of talking to Him, I would talk to others about what was bothering me. Instead of always asking Him for something, I would ask others to pray for me first. Instead of having the humility to ask Him for help, I stubbornly try to do it myself and would only ask for help if I found myself stuck… and He wasn’t the first person I asked either. Yes, I know that He is Almighty and I’ve done the Sacred Heart novena enough times to remember “ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened for you” but my immature faith wanted to show Him that *I* could do things on my own and that I could earn His love that way. 

It took me getting completely stripped of everything I thought I knew about living out the faith and hitting rock bottom (and starting over again, in a way) for me to start to grow again.

While I never stopped praying and reading the bare minimum required as an Oblate, I let go of the Rosary, which I’d recited at least once a day for so many years. I watched the Mass live-streamed because, at that point, I was too sick to get out of bed for weeks at a time. I basically went into what I can describe as “Catholic minimalism mode.” I did what I could and I would often have to force myself to do these things. My stubbornness was used for good for once — reminding myself that even though I was angry and hurt, I had made life-long promises as an Oblate and I seem incapable of breaking those promises even during the worst of it. Also, do you know how difficult it was to do the annual 54-day Rosary annual when you’re in such a bad state? It’s a miracle I didn’t jump ship at any point during it.

It took a long time to get back to where I am right now. I unfortunately picked up some really bad habits during that time and I’m still struggling with them but I’m in a better place than I was even a year ago. If I can’t make it to Mass in person, I’ll livestream it first thing in the morning. My prayer life hasn’t changed much since I managed to stay Benedictine during that time. except I’m trying to pray the Rosary and novenas more often. 

Most importantly, I’m trying harder to trust God and not rely on others. Yes, I still have a great community around me (comprised of people who’ve stuck with me and new friends) and I’m still very much a social introvert (or is it omnivert?)… but I no longer place the emphasis on my own faith journey on how I’m perceived by them or others. I’m just staying in my own lane and, in turn, becoming a better Benedictine. Still working on the humility but one thing at a time. Ha!

Anyway, I think that’s enough soul baring for now, don’t you think?

I’m re-reading Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins as part of the Hunger Games official book club and I have like 4-5 advanced reader copies (ARCs) of books to get through and review so I’m going to go do that for the rest of the day. Oh! And one of those books is from a Catholic publisher so I’ll share the review on here when I finish the book.

I hope you’re all doing well.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

And… Green Light!

 

Hello there!

It’s been… months. Almost 7 months. I didn’t mean to go so long without an update but life and other adventures kept me busy.

In that time I finished the last online cohort of Reform Wellness. Last month they discontinued the online program to focus on in-person meetings. I learned a lot about myself and picked up a lot of knowledge that I’m slowly implementing to help me in all areas of my life. I’ve already seen the fruit of the program and hope I can dig deeper once I am able to focus on it once again.

In the last couple of months my health has been a roller coaster. I’m in the hands of a great allergist who has ordered tests for Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and histamine intolerance after all my allergy tests came back negative. Because I react to so many things (and have for several years), she agreed with the registered dietician who suggested I might have one or the other. Though I haven’t done the labs yet, we pretty much confirmed that I have MCAS when I had a severe allergic reaction to I.V. antibiotics at the E.R. The E.R. doctor said he couldn’t officially diagnose me but I clearly had mast cell degranulation symptoms. I ended up getting Benadryl, prednisone, zofran, and something else to calm the reaction down. It was the first time I ever had a reaction in which I honestly thought I was going to die. I was grateful I had the doctor in the room when I started reacting and that I had mentioned MCAS earlier because he was able to help immediately. (Side note: my mom, who was at the hospital with me, blames him for giving me an antibiotic I had not okayed — he had told me of a different one but that’s another story.)

After that episode,  it took a full month for the flare up from that episode… and now I’m having a POTS flare-up because it was 104 degrees Fahrenheit last time I checked and, despite having central AC on and a neck fan blasting, it’s still too hot for me. It’s a never-ending cycle of flare ups from about mid-April until late September or mid- October. It’s a pattern I’ve noticed over the last few years so at least I can prepare well as I can and hope it’s enough.

This leads me to a realization I had yesterday and needed to get it out through writing.

For the last couple of months, I’ve felt like God has closed another (major) chapter in my life;  like He’s prepared me with the tools I need to move forward… but I don’t know when, how, or why. I’m trying not to be a toddler by continually asking Him “why?” though it’s tempting.  I really want to; I hate surprises and like to be prepared for anything that might happen but if there’s one big thing I need to do is to re-learn how to trust God.

Next month I’ll celebrate my fifth anniversary as a Benedictine oblate. I would be lying if I said that these last 5 years haven’t been the hardest of my spiritual life. While summer into fall of 2023 was when I was in the pit of spiritual desolation and saw the mass exodus of Catholic “friends”, I can now see why all of that was absolutely necessary for my personal and spiritual growth. And I’m seeing my current health struggles as part of that growth.

Those of you who’ve been reading this blog for a long time may recall me saying that I never felt as close to God as when I was sick. I felt a greater purpose for my health issues, even if I didn’t know them at the time. And that continued until November 2020 when I felt like His presence was completely gone. That zeal and fire remained missing for a few years while my focus became on my health. Sometimes it felt like He had given me permission to be selfish and focus on myself but I didn’t like the great chasm I felt between Him and I. I don’t remember if I ever wrote about what happened during those months in 2023 (I’ll go back later and check; I’ll write a post if I didn’t) but it was the worst time in my life. My physical health was the best it had been in years but all other areas in my life had fallen apart, especially my spiritual life. Now that my health is back to “square one” with re-learning about myself (three years of steroids and two years to get back to my baseline normal, I feel like I did during my reversion in the summer into fall of 2006.  I think we’re back on that path, but this time I’m a more willing participant in carrying my health cross(es).

There have been a few changes in recent months that feel like I finally have all of the puzzle pieces that I currently need; enough to move forward and be proactive in my life while still having to place a lot of trust in God with things I’ve yet to figure out.

My biggest challenges at the moment are trying to hand over full control of my life to God and move forward after being stagnant for so long. After these last 6 years and everything I went through — from the near fatal adrenal crises, losing my eyesight, becoming disabled with chronic illnesses, having the medication that initially kept me alive (during adrenal insufficiency) then mess up my brain chemistry for a long time, and now being back at my baseline and having to deal with health issues I have to actively work at managing — it’s no wonder that I’m having problems doing it. I’ve been in this hyper-independent, selfish mode for so long, it’s going to be hard breaking the cycle. But I’m willing to do it.  

For years I felt like God asked me to stop and stay where I was. Little Miss Independent/Driven was forced to stop and just… be. I didn’t always trust Him during that time (again, I’ll go back and see if I ever wrote about that time) and I hated feeling stuck… but I think I now understood why. And I’m grateful for that time of rest. But now I can’t do that anymore. I can’t stay still. I can’t ignore that God has placed very concrete things in my life that I feel like He’s asking me to do. I can’t ignore that tug in my heart to let go of some things and move forward. So that’s what I’m going to do. And I’m sure I’ll be kicking and screaming some of the way but, hey, if that’s what needs to happen for me to get back to where He wants me to do, let the tantrums run. 

I don’t know how much of this journey I will share on this blog. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more private. Or perhaps I’ve simply become more Benedictine in my ways. But when I feel, deep in my gut, that maybe I should share something, I will. The spiritual stuff, definitely. The rest? I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Anyway, that’s my update for now. I make no promises about when I’ll write again but I will. I have a feeling God is not done with me (or me sharing my faith journey) yet.

I hope you’ve all been well since the last update.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! 

Two Years Later… Surprise!

*taps mic* Is this thing still on?

Hi, everyone! I bet none of you thought you’d see this blog — or me writing on this blog — again but… surprise!

As those of you who are still following me on social media might’ve noticed, I’ve been slowly pulling away from social media for the last year or so. I did say that I would at some point (and some of you may remember what needed to happen for me to do so) and the time has come. I’m not giving it up completely because most people are still allergic to emails or even text messages and social media seems like the best place to let y’all know I’m still alive. And now I’m adding this blog back in the mix of ways of letting y’all know how I’m doing.

A couple of months ago I felt the tug to return to this particular blog. I talked to my bestie about it and gave myself a December deadline to decide. And, as you can see, I decided to return. I had unlisted this and my other blog for a while due to AI scraping of blogs (and I still don’t give permission to anyone or anything to use any of my posts to train anything AI) but the tug was too strong to return. That and I had a few people message me about past posts they wanted to re-read so… here y’all go!

A lot has happened in the last two plus years since I last updated this blog. 

On the health front: I’ve been in remission from secondary adrenal insufficiency since the last post. It took a year and a half for my body to get back to my “base.” It was a tough time with my body re-learning what it did and didn’t tolerate, my hormones going crazy (I was on steroids for three plus years), and my autoimmune issues trying to cope with it all. In that time I was also unofficial diagnosed with POTS. My cardiologist didn’t have the equipment to formally test me but I’ve had all the symptoms for years so he added me to his list of his “POTS girlies” patients and still see him for it. I have my off days but I’m learning my triggers for POTS and the other autoimmune issues that were finally diagnosed so it’s all optimism right now.

On the vocation front: I “discerned out” of becoming consecrated virgin. I’m glad I discerned it because I learned a lot about myself, my faith (which I’ll get into in a future post), what I did and did not want, and I understood why I had to discern it. No regrets whatsoever and I pray for those still discerning it. It’s a such a beautiful and often misunderstood vocation that I was ultimately not called to. I’m very happy where I ended up. I’ve chosen to keep this part of my life off social media for reasons that surprise no one who knows me well. Just know that I’m very happy and feel incredibly blessed. I feel like I’m right where God wants me with the people He wanted me to have in my life. There’s a lot of love and I’m grateful for it.

As weird as it may sound, I’m in love with where I am in my life right now. My health stinks most of the time but I’ve learned to live with it. The winter months are typically better for me than summer so here’s hoping the trend continues and I get a little break from the flare ups. 

I love my friends who are basically family at this point. It’s crazy but wonderful to think about how I’ve known some of them for over two decades now. 

I’ve healed or am still healing wounds that I had from childhood. I have a better relationship with family members I once had problems with. I learned how to set and maintain healthy boundaries and that’s helped maintain peace in all my relationships. 

While I no longer work, I still occasionally write here and there. Ellipsus is my new best friend for these specific things that I’m writing, most under a pen name and currently mostly for myself and trusted beta readers.

I’m grateful for the journey that has gotten me to where I am — with the people who I share this beautiful life I live — and I thank God for every bit of it. The good. The bad. The difficult. The humbling. The wonderful. The surprising. All of it. 

Anyway, this was just a mini life update to return to the blogging world. I didn’t touch on faith matters because that’s going to cover the two hardest years of my life as a Catholic and that’s a long post I need to write. And, yes, if I’ll be posting about my stream-free year at some point. I started writing a couple of weeks ago but I’m waiting until we’re closer to the end of the year to post it because I want to see where it ends (how many CDs, DVDs, and Blu-rays I ended up using).

I have no set schedule. I’ll just update as I feel like sharing something and don’t want to spend too much on social media. Which is now most of the time. 

Anyway, I hope you’ve all been well! 

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!

The Big Health News I’ve Been Keeping for the Last Month

 

It’s been almost 3 weeks since I took my last dose of hydrocortisone and I can tell the difference.

This is where I let y’all on a little secret only a handful of people have known for the last month: while I won’t get my official results for another two weeks (and I won’t get the lab work done until next week), my endocrinologist believes I’ve officially been healed/have recovered from adrenal insufficiency. The previous two lab orders shows that my body was producing 3-4x the amount of cortisol on lower doses. Not only that, I had too much of other hormones and my chronic pancreatitis and elevated A1C despite eating healthier were indicators that the hydrocortisone was starting to affect my health because I no longer needed them. 

So, all the health issues I’ve had for most of the year seem to have been little signs that my body was healing/had healed. That affected so many different things, including my mental health. That also seems to have fueled the depression that added wood to the desolation fire. It’s all connected — mind, body, and spirit.

I’m still not 100%. My body is now getting used to not having the steroid in my system. I’m struggling with insomnia right now. My concentration issues, brain fog, and memory are all still shot. But everything else seems to be getting back to normal. I’m a lot less exhausted than I was on the medication — except for maybe the last month or so when I had so much energy that I went 4 hours dancing non-stop and I still wasn’t tired when I made myself stop just so I wouldn’t overdo it. Seriously, it was odd after the last couple of years of being perpetually exhausted. But I’m doing a lot better with other symptoms.

By the way, did I mention when I got the news? On the eve of the feast of St. Elizabeth of the Trinity… who died from primary adrenal insufficiency and whom I’d asked for her intercession. I mean, I’ve bugged so many saints about my health but I think it was beautiful that I got the news on the eve of her feast day considering she’s patroness of the condition.

So, what happened? As best as my endo can tell, my body was under a lot of stress from a variety of sources — some health and some personal — and it all contributed to my adrenal glands getting overworked and shutting down. So, the initial diagnoses were correct and I indeed had secondary adrenal insufficiency and not primary (Addison’s). My adrenal glands were so damaged that it took nearly three years to start functioning normally again.

Where do I go from here? I mean, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. A lot of possibilities have opened up now that I don’t have to worry about the adrenal insufficiency. In these last 3 years I’ve learned how to take better care of myself — physically and mentally — and I can use those things to continue to thrive. But there are still other things that won’t allow me to get back to pre-diagnosis “normal.”

I’m still visually impaired (and technically legally blind) and only an absolute miracle would make it not so. There is zero hope for me to regain my eyesight as it was as far as any medical doctor is concerned. Also, my health isn’t 100% only because I no longer than adrenal insufficiency. I’m a bit older and my body was put through so much that I still have to take care of myself in a different way than I did before.

I’ve gained a lot. I have a lot more freedom (in a way). I have a sort of second chance in all areas of my life. I have some amazing friends after others decided to end our friendship when I had mentally reached rock bottom (when it was suspected that the meds were starting to affect me negatively and I had communicated as much). I even have a chance to take my writing career in a different direction. That will mean harder work and starting over, in a way, but it would also be a fun challenge. For reasons I will not share on here (basically, because I never do) I need to go back to the drawing board in regards to my vocation discernment. I’m very much “off the market” but I still need to discern that further once I’m out of the desolation because there is no way I’m making any decisions stuck here.

And, actually, that’s why I’m unsure about anything — I made the decision to not make any big decisions until I was out of the desolation. No one get too excited but… I can see it lessening. Again, I fully think part of this came with the steroids messing with my brain chemistry and me just going a little banana nut bread because I can see the difference with how I’m reacting to things and how I’m thinking about them. How I would’ve handled another friendship disappointing me a couple of months or even weeks ago is not how I’ve been handling the most recent disappointment. The aversion to all things religious isn’t as strong.

I will say that the desolation and the meds messing with my mind (and my spiritual health) is that it brought out all of my doubts and other negative traits into the spotlight while simultaneously healing some things. I see where I have to work on some things I didn’t think I needed to (or had overcome).

I’m currently in the internal fight between knowing what’s right and what’s wrong and what has been my “reality” for the last 6 months of desolation and not thinking clearly. I’ve gotten a new perspective on certain things that my scrupulous mind would’ve blown out of proportion. I’ve distanced myself from Catholic “news” which I saw was actually harming me, spiritually. I’ve been really looking at the things that fueled the desolation and getting to the root of them. Some things I’ll hold onto and some things I’m letting go…

However, I’m still in a very vulnerable place despite the desolation beginning to very slowly dissipate. I’m not fully back to the Church… and I sometimes fear that I may never be. Why? Because I still have a lot of things to work on and I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to get through it all while still surviving life in general. The desolation really knocked any confidence I had about my faith and my spiritual life completely out of me. I find it even more difficult to even want to talk to God. But I’m going to give myself some time before I declare myself a lost cause (unlike others who gave up on me a long time ago). I’m still slowly (very slowly) returning to myself without any medication altering anything so I’ll have to wait to see how things unfold. And, again, this goes back to the uncertainty of anything. Heck, I don’t even know if my brain will ever be the same or if the medication has permanently altered things and how that’s going to affect everything, my spirituality included. 

I used to be a planner. I used to love to plan things far in advance. I’ve found myself no longer doing that. I’m trying to enjoy the present instead of trying to live in the future or even the past. At the moment, my priority is taking care of myself, keeping the boundaries I’ve set for things and people, and trying to get used to my new normal. It means going with the flow when things change and trying not to stress over it. 

It means enjoying the people around me — laughing, singing, dancing, and simply being surrounded by people who bring out the best in me. It means having a goal or two but not being so attached to them in case things change. It means so many other things that will be tweaked as they come up… and I’m totally okay with that.

And I think that’s it for now. I’m gonna go hang out with my girls in a little while but I wanted to get this out in a rare “blog writing” urge because I find myself wanting to blog less and less. Like I said, my writing career might be headed in a different (more secular) direction so keeping this blog updated (or starting a new one from scratch to reflect where I might be headed) is something I need to think about. When I’m able to with better clarity, which I don’t currently have.

Okay, that’s it. I’m gonna go see what shenanigans the girls and I are going to get into tonight and this weekend. lol.

I hope y’all are well!