How the Blessed Virgin Mary Has Taught Me to Trust and Say "Fiat."

“And Mary said: Behold the handmaid of the Lord: be it done to me according to thy word.” (Luke 1:38).

Me, during the 2018 Rosary novena and St. Andrew Christmas novena: Lord, please help me imitate our Blessed Mother more closely.

Me, on March 25, 2020: Lord... I see what You're doing...

Lately, I've been reflecting a lot on how my relationship with the Blessed Virgin Mary has grown over the years. For years after my reversion, I felt like I couldn't turn to her because of how sinful I was (and am). I didn't think she would answer my prayers because of how often I failed her and her Son. Over the years, that has changed.

I pray the Rosary every single day (I think I've only missed 3 days in the last 2-3 years due to illness-induced exhaustion). I used the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary for several years before I started doing the Divine Office via the Monastic Diurnal. I've done the annual 54-day Rosary novena for over 10 years now. I do the Memorare emergency novena when I'm in a bind. I do the daily consecration prayer (which my parish priest introduced to be when we first met), which has been part of my daily routine for the past couple of years. I consecrated myself her in June 2018, something I wish I had done years earlier. In a nutshell, I'm a total Mama's girl! That is why I chose my Instagram username, lapetitefleurmariale -- the little Marian flower.

Today is a special feast day for me because of her words, "Be it done to me according to Thy word", have been a reoccurring theme in my life. When she became my co-patroness (along with St. Therese) for the year 2019, I didn't know I would be repeating them so often myself. In hindsight, I should've known since I had asked God to make me more like her in late 2018. I got a taste of it during Lent 2019 but I really had no clue just what else was coming after that. Still, I had no clue just what big things He was going to ask of me.

My first big test came when I had to travel to Chicago, on my first solo trip ever (and on an airplane by myself for the first time ever), not knowing a single soul at the retreat beyond Fr. Basil... who I had only communicated with via email. I felt called to become a Benedictine Oblate but didn't have the money to do so. He provided.

I got to the retreat center and found out that they had botched up my dietary restrictions and thought I was taking my own food, leaving me with nothing but the tortillas I took to eat. Instead of calling it a day and heading back home, I stuck it out. There was no way God had gotten me there without good reason. I barely ate and I sleep about 3 hours per night the entire time I was there but I somehow managed to survive it and the flight back home.

On the second day of the retreat, I ended up in the ER... and would find myself at various ERs over the next 6 months. My health had a major relapse. I'm still down at 113 lbs from 130 lbs prior to my relapse. My anemia got worse over the last couple of months. My platelets tanked to the lowest they've ever been (but still not low enough for transfusions) late last year. My diet got even more restricted. I developed bilateral optic nerve edemas that still cause temporary blindness when I wake up in the mornings or from naps. My dental health has plummeted in recent months, unsure of what's triggering the sudden changes. We're not sure what's going on with my liver, too. We don't know what exact autoimmune disease I have though signs are pointing to either MCAS or Sjogren's Syndrome (the later would explain both the edemas and the dental issues). Yet I find myself praying the Rosary for others in the ER, patiently (or trying to be patient) trusting Him with my health, and trying to find gratitude even in that chaos.

Then came the emotional tests.

First, big (and, unfortunately, ongoing) familial problems added to my health relapse. The one good thing that's come out of this pandemic is that it's helping mend the broken relationships I have with certain family members.

Then I had to abandon months of discernment and wedding planning with my best (guy) friend because I couldn't ignore God's call to discern consecrated virginity. Providentially, this happened during last year's 54-day Rosary novena. Mama Mary was interceding big time; there's no denying that. I had to give up the sense of stability and security with a man who loves me for one of uncertainty and total abandonment and trust in His Divine Providence. This is especially true since CVs have to financially support themselves, which has been hard for me to do with my health issues. Still, the unshakeable peace I feel makes me certain that this is God's will for me. That and, boy, has my love for Him grown in recent months. I know I sound like a broken record but I cannot imagine myself not being His bride.

With the quarantine (day 12 today), the increasingly grim news on the coronavirus (knowing I'm in one of the most vulnerable at-risk groups with my health issues), and the uncertainty of it all, let's just say the last 9 months have been difficult. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, I'm being stretched beyond my limits... but then a day like today comes along and reminds me of how every single thing that I go through is something that I must endure for the sanctification and purification of my soul.

I find myself growing more and more trusting in God and resigning myself more to His will, no matter how hard it gets. Last night, Mom found some physical signs that I might either have lower platelets or that my body is reacting to something, severity unknown. I had seen some but there was a new (and big) one, in an area that I can't see, that caused some alarm. I called my doctor today and have a telephone appointment with her tomorrow morning. I keep reminding myself that His will is what is best for me. That also goes with my coronavirus fears.

As I wrote on today's Instagram post caption, "I’m admittedly fearful of the unknown; of the sufferings I have yet to endure. I’m worried that I won’t get the Sacraments in time; that I won’t have a chance to do some good in this world while I can... but then I think back to Mama Mary. She said 'yes' despite the unknown. Even when St. Simeon told her of her future sufferings, she trusted Him completely. That gives me the strength I need to push aside my fears & continue saying 'yes' to God’s will for my life."

Of course, I will continue to pray that if it's part of God's will that I do get sick, that I may have enough time to get myself prepared -- both with health (there are some things I can do to help raise the red blood count levels) so that I can beat the odds and with the state of my soul (either getting into the confessional in time or being allowed to have a priest see me while there's still time) in either case. Yes, completely morbid to think about, but that is the reality of being a chronically ill Catholic in the midst of a pandemic. Life is not guaranteed but we must make the most of it and live as closely to God as we can.

Getting back to the point of this post: today reminds me that even in the middle of chaos, uncertainty, and suffering, God is always there. Look at Our Lady of Sorrows -- all the sufferings that the Blessed Virgin endured during her life. She watched her Son suffer and die in agony on the Cross for humanity. Yet, she remained faithful in humble obedience. She never waivered in her fiat. I want to be like her -- to always say my own "fiat"; to always say "yes" to all the little crosses that God asks me to carry for the rest of my life. (Side note: Our Lady of Sorrows has my most constant companion in the last 9 months, ever since the day I became an Oblate novice when my Oblate master gifted me a beautiful print that I've yet to find a frame for.)

I will continue to say "yes" to the sufferings, sacrifices, and sorrows that will undoubtedly come. Even if not now, in the future. In the midst of all those moments, I will try to remember the good, the beauty, and the love that is hidden in them.

I will also continue to say yes to the beautiful but difficult (for this impatient gal) moments that seem to be too far in the future.

I won't be able to make my Final Act of Oblation and become an official Benedictine Oblate (currently in my novitiate period) this summer as I had hoped but, God willing, I will after the pandemic dies down a bit... no pun intended. Right now it's looking like a Summer 2021 date for that. In the meantime, I will continue to grow in my spiritual life as a Benedictine.

The road to consecrated virginity will be a long one. We're looking at 2 years minimum, maybe 7 years maximum. I'm so grateful to continue receiving spiritual direction during this time (thank goodness for FaceTime since the L.A. Archdiocese has closed parishes, suspended Masses, and postponed the reception of Sacraments for another couple of weeks). I still don't know if Archbishop Gomez will allow me to go forward with the consecration (remember, bishops of the discerning CV's diocese have the final say and a "No" means it ends there) when the time comes to meet him and talk about my discernment process, but I will say "yes" to whatever path God leads me down. Whether it is (God willing; my heart is set on it) becoming a consecrated virgin, making private vows to virginity, or ultimately doing something else, I will accept His will for me. I keep hoping that what happened during one of my last trips to daily Mass (pre-quarantine) is a sign that I will become a CV.

Also, just a side note before I end this post: I had this moment a few weeks ago when I laughed upon realizing that God took my petition to become more like His Blessed Mother a lot more literally than I had in mind. I was praying to become less selfish, more charitable, more loving, more obedient, less feisty and defensive; less, well, incredibly flawed me. What I didn't expect was to be called to discern consecration virginity... but it makes sense. After all, she is the Queen of Virgins. She is the ultimate example of "vocation goals" for what life as a consecrated virgin should be. I see what You did there, Lord... and I welcome it, with my whole heart!

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with y'all. The post just came to mind while finishing the caption of the IG post. You know me; I write as I am inspired.

Mama Mary, thank you for being my ultimate role model; for being a beautiful example of true femininity. Thank you for your Fiat! Please continue to pray for me.

God, please continue to chip away my sinful habits and learn to become more and more like our Blessed Mother. I will always say "yes" to what You ask of me, even if it's increasingly difficult to do so -- difficult because I've grown comfortable in my own little bubble. Can I please be a bride of Christ? Really, that's all I want at this point! I want nothing more than to belong to Him. Please and thank you!

Happy feast of the Annunciation, everyone! Only 9 more months until Christmas! ;)

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

Ch-ch-changes: Reflections and Changes Following My Digital Detox Month

Yes, I know -- I still have a week to go before my digital detox month is up and I can return to social media. However, next week is looking like it's going to be a busy one so I decided to post this a week early since I don't think anything will change in the week that's left.

In a nutshell, this week has been one long reflection on my use of social media as well as the fate of this blog. No, I am not closing down this blog. I may one day, but I don't foresee it happening, despite the lack of readership since blogs are no longer "in." But it, along with my use of social media, will be seeing a big change overall. The reason for it? It goes back to my relationship with God and my life as a Benedictine Oblate novice.

Long story short, though I have not been able to get away from screens as much I would've liked (articles need to be written, prayer requests need to be sent, and urgent calls need to be made), I have found a good balance that will work best for me. That was the whole point of this digital detox month and one of the intentions in my novena to the Holy Family at the start of the year. I wanted to learn how to best utilize the internet for good, not just mindless entertainment or a way to waste time. In these last 3+ weeks since I began my digital detox, I've been able to do just that and, in a surprising twist, the events of Tuesday and the subsequent blog post were the turning point for me.

I won't reiterate what happened on Tuesday but I had a feeling it was a teaching moment for me. I wrote as much at the end of the post. What I noticed in the following days was that I ended up feeling, well, uncomfortable about what I wrote. It's all true; I despise lying. But I felt like it was time for me to rethink what I share after feeling like I shouldn't have shared as much as I did on the post. Yes, my health issues are a big part of my journey (they often shape the trajectory of my decisions and actions), but I made the decision to no longer share details or much on that front in general.

I'm going to go the "ninja" route I take for my personal life and not post about them unless it's a major breakthrough or component to my spiritual journey. I once shared so much because I would often get messages from people thanking me for being so open about the struggles. They wrote that it helped them feel like they weren't alone in their own health struggles. But, I no longer feel like I need to do that. In fact, it doesn't feel right.

Instead, I feel like God wants me to focus on the "right, good, and true" that I experience in my life as a Catholic young woman who discerning the vocation of consecrated virginity and on the brink of making her Final Act of Oblation as a Benedictine Oblate. So, that's what I'm going to do. Basically, I'm going to focus on writing about my spiritual journey. It echoes the decision I made when I opened my public Instagram account where I share faith-based pictures and reflections. Trust me, there is a lot that I can write about just on my discernment of consecrated virginity alone.

The biggest reason for this is because, as I said, I feel like this is what God is calling me to do. Some people are great speakers and evangelizers. I'm not one of them. I'm not a great speaker; I stumble on and mumbles my words. I don' have that confidence speaking out on the faith as apologists do because I'm so worried about unintentionally leading people astray. That's why I write. I can think about what I want to say before I say it. I often write about what I do know and most of that is based on my own experience and studies. (Side note: what an appropriate day to say this; happy feast of St. Francis de Sales, patron of writers!). I feel like God has given me a gift of being able to connect with others through the written word and that's why I continue to write.

Furthermore, I've been reflecting on The Rule of St. Benedict and how he asked his monks not to speak unless necessary; to be careful with the words they used. My beloved monks of Norcia have begun using sign language and speak as little as often (read: only when necessary) for the same reason. As an Oblate novice, this got me thinking about how I use words... and how careless I can be with them. I was a chatterbox as a child but, as I got older and became more introverted, that changed. Social media gave me a reason to return to my chatterbox ways... but I've seen just how shallow and utterly pointless some of those words can be. So, I'm going to take a cue from my spiritual father (St. Benedict) and spiritual home (Norcia) and be more careful with my words. I'm also going to do this in person but I don't see most of y'all offline so this just an additional "heads up" to friends I do actually see and talk to offline.

I made this decision before I read the National Catholic Register's article on Catholics' reflections on the last decade of social media. Reading it just reaffirmed the decision to use social media as sparingly as possible and to be more careful about what I share on it and on this blog. It feels like the right time to step back and be more intentional with the use of both the blog and social media. I guess the Holy Family did listen to my prayers because I'm starting to see the fruit of it.

Of course, there's more that goes along with this decision but those changes are of slightly different natures so I'll just leave that for the next post. All I'm going to say is that this digital detox month has been good for me. I feel calmer and less stressed out. I feel less pressured to be "on" at all times. And, most importantly, I like the transformation that's begun internally. God is definitely still making big changes in my life; changes for the better. :)

That is it for now. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers; you are all in mine. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Starting My Digital Detox: The Rules and the Feelings

Just before I started this blog post, I almost broke down crying. Why? Because I'm overwhelmed and burnt out. Hearing text messages -- especially multiple sent back-to-back, seeing my notifications on social media explode, having people I don't know give their opinions on my life and decisions... it's all too much for me.

When I asked for prayers a couple of weeks ago, stating that I haven't been well for a while, I wasn't kidding. I'm beyond stressed out and my mental and emotional health are barely hanging on. I don't normally share this but I'm going through an incredibly difficult time in my personal life right now. I'm also emotionally exhausted from the ups and (mostly) downs of my health ailments. I want to cry all the time and the toll of it all has begun affecting my health as well. It's like a vicious circle that doesn't end. I've reached my breaking point. That's why I decided, weeks ago, to take a digital detox break. I wish I had started it sooner, though, because I've been on the verge of tears all day today.

I'm so grateful to everyone who follows me and interacts with me on social media... but it seems that I can't post anything these days without at least 3 people contradicting me, telling me what to do, or trying to dissuade me from what I've decided. This is especially true when it comes to health and faith matters. I know most have the best intentions but it's too much for me. I'm going through one of the most emotionally draining times of my life and having these types of comments are not helpful. In fact, they make me feel worse.

I didn't want this to be a venting post. I'm sorry if it came across that way but I wanted y'all to understand why I've decided to do this.

So, what will my break (hopefully) look like? Here are my rules for the next month:

Smartphone usage:
- I'm keeping my phone in a separate room from me while I'm at home. It will be kept on "do not disturb" mode all day. The only calls that will go through are from my mother, my older brother, and my best friend (who is in wedding planning stress mode; please say a prayer for her). I'll have the ringer on just for them so I can hear when they call -- and they only call when it's absolutely necessary.
- I will check for important messages and calls for 5 minutes only after each of Divine Office hours. So, after 6 a.m., 9 a.m., noon, 3 p.m., 6 p.m., and 9 p.m. while I'm awake. After 9 p.m., I won't check messages until the next morning. If I see no messages during my breaks, I'll just move forward with other plans that don't involve my phone.
- I will reply to urgent prayer requests and messages during those 5-minute breaks.
- If someone wants to chat, I will make the time (in advance) to do so. That can be on the phone or in person. Snail mail is also welcomed. This rule applies to only those I know offline or who I've trusted enough with my personal information.
- The only social media app I have on my phone -- Instagram -- will be deleted for the month.

Laptop usage:
I can't completely leave all screens behind for the entire month because, as a freelance writer, I need to do research and submit articles but I will be limiting the use of them overall.
- I will access my email only when I'm on my laptop. The limit will be 3x per day -- once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once at night. The limit will be for 5 minutes during the day breaks and 30 minutes at night.
- I'm leaving all non-work or personal emails for the weekends. I will reply to non-urgent personal emails at the end of the day but anything that comes from a mailing list (e.g. articles and blog posts) will be left until the weekend.
- I will do most of my writing offline and will then transfer it to the appropriate mediums as needed.
- The laptop will be used only to write, research, link, and respond to emails during the week. Once those things have been taken care of, I will turn it off until I need it for productivity reasons. I'm giving myself limited time over the weekend to catch up on articles and blogs.
- All social media posts to links to my articles and blog posts will be sent through Hootsuite and some will get scheduled if I have more than one to share per day.
- I'm avoiding all streaming content all month that isn't necessary for work (and it rarely is). The exception to this rule is when I'm visiting someone who has streaming content on, e.g. a movie or music.
- I've had the Freedom app in place since last year and I will add even more restrictions to it in case of temptations. It's already helped me out a lot since I got it in April. (And, yes, that's an affiliate link; just a heads up.)

TVs and iPods:
- If I want to watch anything, it'll have to be on TV, either via the blu-ray player or the antenna we use to watch local channels.
- In the spirit of the detox, I'm also limiting how often I use these mediums. I'll use them only when there's someone else watching it (e.g. my mother or if a friend visits).
- I will most likely use my iPod touch the most during the break but with the WiFi turned off. I have a ton of music I've purchased over the years downloaded onto it for when I'm away from the radio and/or want to listen to audiobooks. No, audiobooks won't be streamed; they'll be downloaded. Ditto with podcasts.
- I have radio access at home and in my car to listen to Classical KUSC (since it's local) so that also takes care of the possibility of wanting to listen to something new on my monthly break.

I have a lot of plans to keep myself occupied. Even when I'll be resting (because I'm still at the beginning of my physical recovery mode), I'll have physical books to read, a guitar to play, some modern calligraphy to practice (I'm making the place cards for another best friend's wedding), and sewing to learn. Oh, yes, and lots of places to visit and things to do outside the house when I'm able to get out for a little while.

I'm doing this detox for two main reasons:

1) In hopes to disengage from being so hyper-connected in hopes that it will help my mental health. I don't want to have to go through a mental breakdown while trying to recuperate my physical health as well. I need peace. I need quiet. I need to not worry about anything except getting myself healthy once again and doing God's will (more on that in a bit). If I'm bored (and it's good to be bored; it helps with your creativity), I'll just have to opt for high-quality leisure activities after work and prayers are done.

2) Most importantly, in hopes to discern my vocation AND get ready for my Final Act of Oblation in a couple of months. I need to quiet my mind and my heart so that I can hear God more clearly. I may not currently know what my vocation is but I have zero doubts in my mind that I'm called to be an Oblate. Thus, I need to really embrace the Benedictine lifestyle now that I'm not sleeping, bedridden or dealing with other physical obstacles most days like I was for the first couple of months of my novitiate. I need to spend even more time in prayer and doing Lectio Divina. I need to attend Mass and do Holy Hours as frequently as I can. I've given myself the goal to learn the Act of Oblation and other prayers in Latin as well so I have work to do.

There are a number of things I'll be working on during this month to prepare myself -- especially to better myself as a Benedictine Oblate -- but I think I'll leave those details for future blog posts. And, yes, I do firmly intend to blog more often because I have a lot of really exciting things coming up.

So, those are my plans from tomorrow (World Introvert Day) through Candlemas (February 2nd). Once my detox is over, I'll share with y'all my details on how I'll slowly reintroduce social media and other digital devices; what the changes will be and what will be completely eliminated.

Alright, I guess that's it for now. Please say a prayer for me during this time. Of course, I will keep y'all in my prayers as well! I hope to blog again before the week ends but don't quote me on that. There's a couple of things I want to do offline first. That's why I finished and submitted my work yesterday as well; to have the rest of the week off to focus on that. Let's just say that I'm taking "World Introvert Day" seriously tomorrow and I might extend it through the weekend. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely New Year's Eve and Day. Merry Christmas (until Candlemas for me but Epiphany for most Catholics).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

FAQ on My Benedictine Oblate Journey and Oblates in General

Holding my blessed Benedictine Oblate scapular, right after the novitiate ceremony.

Yesterday, I mentioned my goal of learning the Final Act of Oblation entirely in Latin in preparation for the event next summer, via Twitter. That set off a bunch of questions about my journey as an Oblate and what a Benedictine Oblate is in the first place. This was not the first time I've gotten these kinds of questions, either. It seems a lot of people are interested in knowing either what it means to be an Oblate (as it's not as popular as being a third-order Carmelite or Dominican) and/or my journey so here is a short FAQ that I hope will answer some of the most common questions I get.

• 1. Why did you want to become an Oblate?

This is a really, really long story that I've already written about here. The gist of it is that I felt called to become a lay member of a religious order. If I couldn't be a nun (which I had wanted), I could still be a lay member. It's something that had been on my heart for several years. For years I went between the Carmelites and Dominicans. Then three things happened within a relatively short span of time. The 2016 Norcia earthquake decimated the town, including the basilica built over St. Benedict's birthplace/home. Never had any news felt so personal to me than that. I ended up donating novel royalties to help them rebuild their community because it felt like my own home was impacted. Then I read The Benedict Option by Rod Dreher. Yes, the book is "controversial" but it sparked my curiosity about the Benedictine order and the Rule. I read The Rule and it just clicked for me; it fit my temperament and how I envisioned living my life to best serve God. Then my best friend sent me a book on the Oblate life and it sealed it for me.

• 2. Where are you an Oblate novice? Which monastery?

I am an Oblate novice with the Monks of Norcia in Norcia, Italy. Yes, the same community whose home was destroyed in the earthquake. They are actually still rebuilding their community, 3+ years after the earthquake. If you feel so inclined, please donate here. The Italian government decided not to give them the basilica to rebuild again so they headed up the mountains. I'm not a happy camper about the decision made by the government but my beloved community has made the most of it and they're doing such a great job starting (basically) from scratch.

• 3. How did you choose the monastery you attached yourself to?

First, I looked at all of my options. I looked at the local Benedictine monasteries, meaning St. Andrew's Abbey in Valyermo (within the Los Angeles Archdiocese) and those in California. I also looked into Benedictine monasteries that took in distance oblates. My current spiritual advisor suggested I stick to a traditional community since I attend the Latin Mass solely and am "trad" minded. It ended up coming down to Clear Creek Abbey in Oklahoma and Norcia in Italy. In the end, Norcia won for several different reasons, beginning with the fact that it's felt like home since I first learned about its existence. They're also a musically-inclined community (their Benedicta: Marian Chant album is excellent; you can watch a video on it here) which was perfect for this music nerd. Once I met our Oblate master, I knew it was the perfect fit for me. I love the entire community; the monks and my fellow Oblates. When they all rallied behind me when I got sick at the retreat, despite not knowing me, I knew it was just the kind of family I needed. Norcia is my home -- my spiritual home -- and I could not have picked a better place for myself. I hope to visit it as soon as health and finances allow it.

• 4. When will you become a full-fledged Oblate?

God willing, next summer. The novitiate period is usually no less than a year and a day for most Oblates. It might be slightly shortened for me because our annual retreat might happen before the year mark of the beginning of my novitiate (June 30, 2019). I'm going to wait to see how it all plays out -- if they're going to change the location or dates. I definitely intend to make it to the annual retreat next summer, wherever and whenever it's held.

• 5. Are you getting an Oblate name? Did you get to pick it?

I did ask for an Oblate name at the retreat this past summer so, yes, I will be getting one. However, I won't know what the name will actually be until right before I make my Final Act of Oblation. Most monasteries allow Oblates to choose their names but, at our particular monastery, the prior chooses them for us. I was going to choose "Francesca" in honor of St. Frances of Rome (patroness of Benedictine Oblates and fellow "God, I won't want to do this, but I'll do it because you want me to" kindred spirit) and my best girlfriend, Francesca, who has continuously challenged me to become the best and holiest version of myself over the years. My Oblate master warned us not to say which names we wanted because it was almost guaranteed that we wouldn't get it so... totally don't want "Francesca" or any of the other 2 names I'm hoping for! lol.

• 6. So, what is an Oblate? Is it like a third-order made up of lay members?

This one is a little complicated so I'll try to explain it as plainly as I can. It's not a third-order like the lay Carmelites or Dominicans. We don't attach ourselves to local "chapters"; we attach ourselves to specific monasteries and are then considered as part of that specific community. That means that I'm now a member of my community -- one of their newest "little sisters" -- but not a member of any other Benedictine community/monastery. Also, not all of us are "secular Oblates." Yes, most of us are but not all. Just in my own community alone, we have a couple of diocesan priests who have attached themselves to the monastery. Yes, it's allowed as long as you're not a part of any other religious order.

• 7. What is asked of Benedictine Oblates?

This answer varies from monastery to monastery but, basically, there a few things in common. First, the motto "Ora et labor" tells you everything. Work and prayer are part of our daily routine, as is Lectio Divina (the study part that isn't part of the motto). For me, in particular, I pray as many of the Hours as possible. That means praying the Little Benedictine Office, the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary, or the Monastic Diurnal. That part, at least for my community, is up to us. We also have to adapt the Rule of St. Benedict to fit our specific lives, in whichever season of life we are. As a single woman, I have more time for prayer and Lectio Divina right now. As someone recovering from illness, work means freelance articles when my fatigue and eyesight allow it. It also means my "ministry" is evangelization via social media (particular through my articles for Epic Pew, this blog, Twitter, and Instagram). My hospitality is confined to what I can do when we have visitors over at our apartment. In the future, it might be the reverse; more work, less prayer, and ministry and hospitality outside the home.

• 8. You mentioned wanting to be buried in a Benedictine habit when you die, in a tweet. Is this allowed? 

Yes, it is. I've heard some places will allow you to wear habits as a secular Oblate, with special permission, but I believe it's extremely rare. It's more likely allowed upon death. I don't know if this varies from monastery to monastery but I believe my community does allow us to be buried in Benedictine habits. So, yes, I want this to happen when my time comes.

• 9. I'm interested in becoming an Oblate. How can I make this happen?

First, read the Rule of St. Benedict. If the Benedictine spirituality is something that speaks to you and you become even more curious about becoming an Oblate, I'd recommend speaking to your spiritual advisor/director about it. My former SD urged me to wait until I was done with school and had more time to focus on the discernment when life was less crazy because it does take time to discern. After I finished school, I was able to discern which religious order and spirituality I felt called to incorporate into my life. Remember, I was discerning between two completely different orders and the Benedictines ended up winning. Speak to other Oblates, read books on life as on Oblate, and go from there. 

Anyway, I hope this helps some of y'all out. I'm in no way an expert so I answered based on my own experience what I've learned over the last 2-3 years.

Please keep me in your prayers as I continue my journey and try to fine-tune some areas of the Oblate life that I haven't had much of a chance to work on with my illnesses and limitations.  

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Introducing: "La Petite Fleur Mariale"

Seeing (no pun intended) how I can't always write a lot due to my current eyesight problems, I decided to start a new way of sharing my Benedictine oblate journey: an Instagram account. Now, I've had one (an IG account) for years but I've always kept it private because, well, I'm a private person. Yes, I have a blog and I'm very open online... but, if you haven't noticed, I also don't share too much. My ninja status when it comes to my relationships tipped you off, didn't it? lol. However, I was inspired to start an account to document my journey more frequently as IG posts take literally a couple of minutes to get everything done.

I started the account (@lapetitefleurmariale) on the feast of all the saints in the Benedictine order, November 13. I didn't do it on purpose, either; it just felt like it was the right time to do it and then I realized what day it had been... almost two days later. lol. I actually had to go back and edit the caption to reflect the realization. A little slow over here, y'all. lol. Don't you just love when things work out that way? I see you, Holy Spirit!

If you're wondering about the name, I explained it on the first post... which I might actually delete. I'm not much of a selfie gal and that picture is a couple of years old anyway. In case I do delete the post, the name is a French translation of "the little Marian flower." Or, at least, I hope it is. My French is incredibly rudimentary. It was inspired by both the Blessed Virgin Mary and St. Therese who are both my co-patron saints this year and who have been my biggest heavenly allies through some of the more difficult times this year. During last year's 54-day Rosary novena, I asked to become more like our Blessed Mother. I still have a loooong way to go but I've already seen her loving intercession in my life. Also, St. Therese -- my heavenly big sister and kindred spirit -- has been instrumental in my spiritual growth this year. I couldn't have asked for a better duo to help me this year. I'm actually contemplating them keeping them my co-patronesses for next year again. Stay tuned for that. ;)

I'm still going to blog, of course, as I can't always get everything written in an IG post but I will be sharing my faith journey on there more often. I'm also going to probably be a little more candid in my blog posts than IG stories. I intend to use that account to share little moments of my day that are faith-related. Yes, it's a faith-based account and I plan to keep it that way. What exactly does that mean? Think saint quotes and little stories about my faith journey. I don't foresee myself using it to give updates like I do on Twitter. I also doubt I'll post many personal pictures that involve my face. I'm still a little uncomfortable sharing those types of pictures online to strangers. That's why I might eventually pull the first picture. We'll see.

Anyway, this is just a quick post in case anyone wants to follow the journey on Instagram. I won't be accepting DMs nor will I be following everyone back. That's not because I don't care about y'all -- I do! It's just a precaution to keep myself from being overwhelmed on IG.  That's why I have my personal account private and why I don't add just anyone. I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person), y'all; too much stimulation or information overload isn't good for me and actually affects my eyesight. Yes, there's been an obvious correlation there that we've noticed the day follow unusually high-stress days.

And now I'm off to spend the rest of my day relaxing with a podcast after yesterday's Twitter argument. Yeah, someone please talk me out of it before I get too stressed.

Living The Benedictine Oblate (Novice) Life While Sick

Picture after the Oblate novitiate ceremony and scapular investiture; this marked the official beginning of my novitiate.

This morning, I heard from my Oblate master and it filled my heart with such a beautiful and immense peace and joy. I wish I had the ability to express just how lovely it felt to receive that email.

A couple of weeks ago, I sent him an email detailing my health journey. I mean, I also asked him questions about how to strengthen my spiritual life, but I updated him on life so he'd know what to advise. Today, I received a follow-up that made me very happy.

Since they're very busy out in Norcia (yes, they're still building their new monastery after the 2016 earthquake leveled their monastery; please feel free to donate here), I don't expect to hear from him often but I am always filled with joy when I do.

After receiving the email (and replying to it), it dawned on me that I haven't really talked about my oblate novitiate journey in the middle of all my health struggles. In fact, I think most people will be surprised to hear that I'm still continuing my journey considering how poorly my health has been lately. Well, let me reassure you that I'm still going forward... and I'll share with you a few theories that have been thrown around amongst my friends (a little later) of how the two are connected.

As the Benedictine motto ("Ora et labora"; pray and work) suggests, two of the pillars of the spirituality are work and prayer. As Oblate attached to this particular monastery, I'm also to embrace penance (more on this in a bit), charity (especially towards the poor and the unfortunate), chastity, keep up the days of fasting and abstinence, and work on being obedient. I'm also to detach myself from the world (be a part of it but not of it) and reject pride.

What I've been focusing on in my current state has been prayer and obedience. Actually, obedience has been the biggest focal point for me these last couple of weeks because I've been actively discerning my vocation for the last couple of months. The only thing I'm going to say about that is that I'm incredibly happy with where God seems to be leading me. Of course, credit goes to my Oblate master who encouraged me to go forward with it at our retreat. I knew there would be obstacles (even before the health issues began) but it's been such a beautiful experience so far and I have no doubts I'm doing God's will for me. Finally! I have confidence in something I'm doing! lol.

The obedience part of the vocation discernment is sometimes hard because my spiritual director occasionally tells me to do something that I don't technically want to do but know I have to do. That's the beauty of obedience: you break your own selfishness and passions in order to follow the wisdom of those who know better than you; those who care about the state of your soul and want to see you doing the right thing in your discernment.

The prayer part of my life has been the easiest for me to maintain because of the routine I had established prior to my Oblate novitiate. I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (sometimes the little Benedictine Office) at least twice daily, or more if I'm able to. For example, today I've able to do all the hours so far, except Terce because I fell asleep for a little while. I pray the Rosary daily. I have a number of prayers that I know by heart and can do while I'm blinded by lights (the photophobia has been my biggest enemy lately) and have to wait to regain my eyesight once again. If it wasn't for prayer, I probably wouldn't be able to go through some of the obstacles I've encountered recently.

For obvious reasons, the "work" part has had to be modified to fit with what I'm capable of doing with my worsening eyesight and my overall fatigue and physical limitations. I still write for Epic Pew and Catholic Chemistry when I'm able to; though I've had to take a couple of weeks off here and there when I'm not doing too well. Thankfully, both editors are great and understanding if I'm late with deadlines or if I need a couple of breaks writing. God bless them both!

I also try to keep my family duties as well as I can. I help run errands when my eyesight and fatigue cooperate with me. I keep the financial budget as well as I can. I drive my mom to work every morning, except on days when I'm completely blind in the morning and it's extremely dangerous for me to try to drive. As my health begins to stabilize, I'll be adding more of the housekeeping duties I usually have. At the moment, my only big ailment is my eyesight; the low blood pressure fainting spells and the physical weakness have both gotten better in recent weeks.

I know I need to work on Lectio Divina (another pillar of the Benedictine spirituality) and Mass attendance. I'm sure you can guess why I've been failing at these two -- my worsening eyesight AND health problems that have left me housebound for several days at a time. In fact, I spend most of my days in bed, with my adjustable bed base reclined up so I can sit more comfortably. Still, if I can go to confession and/or Mass, I go! I also try to get the daily Mass readings in, even if I have to highlight it and have Siri read it to me when my eyesight is particularly bad.

The scrupulous side of me is anxious about failing at these two things because they're such a major part of the Oblate life. At the same time, I also remind myself that I can only do so much with what I have going on. I try to not be hard on myself because, honestly, there is only so much screen and/or reading I can do before my eyes have had enough for the day. Some days, I have to keep my eyes closed for most of the day (enter Catholic podcasts and audiobooks for company) because my eyesight is just completely horrendous. For now, I'll continue to pray that I have little pockets of good eyesight time to be able to get myself to Mass and/or do Lectio Divina more regularly.

Having said all of that, yes, I absolutely still firmly intend to go forward with my novitiate as planned. I also still plan to attend the annual retreat next year and make my final Act of Oblation. I have a couple of friends who have a theory that all of this is happening because of my novitiate discernment. My health issues didn't really start until a week before I left for my retreat and, if you remember, I had my first ER visit during the retreat. You know... like someone (or something) doesn't want me to go forward with this for some reason. Anyway, just putting that theory out there. You draw your own conclusions. Since St. Benedict is now my spiritual father, I will let him intercede for me as necessary. God's will be done, no one else's.

I think that's as "in a nutshell" as I can get. I tried to keep it as short as I could. God willing (and my eyesight and health cooperating), I will be getting back into my blogging groove this month. Again, God willing. I've been doing the 54-day Rosary novena with my eyesight as my first intention so we'll see just what miracles Our Lady will do for me. Even if it's not a full restoration of my eyesight, I know I will receive the graces necessary to cope with whatever is ahead of me.

Of course, I will keep y'all updated on both my Oblate novitiate (especially now that I've remembered to do so; mea culpa!) and my health journeys!

Please keep me (and particularly my eyesight and the ophthalmologists treating me) in your prayers this next month as we hope to finally get some answers with the latest round of blood work tests and a new MRI scheduled for next week.

And, that's it for now. I have to go grocery shopping because I've run out of food. I was waiting for my mom to get home so I would have an extra pair of eyes with me; it's best while my eyesight is wonky.

I hope you've all been well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Benedictine Journey: From the Beginning to the GoFundMe Fundraiser

This past Saturday I opened up a GoFundMe account to help raise the Oblate novitiate trip funds. I exhausted all other options and had a number of people suggest fundraising the trip that way so I thought, "Why not?" Before I opened it, though, I did the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena in honor of his birthday. It ended on Friday and I opened up the account on his birthday, Saturday the 6th. I prayed, "If it's God's will for me and if it will enrich my spiritual life, please intercede and help me raise the funds."

I was at peace when I opened the account. "Even if I only get $300, it'll be a big help," I kept telling myself. Counting what I have in savings, I thought I'd need roughly $800 more, which was the goal I set. GoFundMe suggested I ask for $1,000 but I didn't want to take advantage of others' generosities. I knew $800 would be what I needed. Yes, GoFundMe took a small chunk out of the donations (yes, they charge you a percentage so I won't get the full $800) but I didn't want to be greedy. Never in my wildest dreams did I think those $800 would be raised in only 11 hours! I thought it was going to take a couple of weeks, to be honest. I even took this screenshot when I got home (after getting an email that the trip was funded) to preserve that memory.

I remain speechless and incredibly grateful to everyone who donated and prayed for me. I had complete strangers donate... something I'm still trying to wrap my head around. I teared up... and I still want to tear up as I write this.

Some of the kind people who donated don't know my Benedictine Oblate journey (or me, at all) so I thought I'd share it. I'll try to keep it short and sweet because y'all know I have a tendency to write a little too much. lol. The longer version of the explanation on how I settled on the Benedictines can be read here: Becoming Benedictine.

As I wrote on the GoFundMe (side note: I keep typing "GodFundMe," lol) page, this journey began 4-5 years ago. I had initially been attracted to the Dominicans and the Carmelites. My (then) spiritual director thought the Dominicans would be a good fit for my academically-inclined nature but, as the time went on, he encouraged me to reconsider the Benedictines; he saw what I didn't -- that they were going to be the perfect fit for me. As advised, I waited until I finished school to really discern joining a third order as a laywoman since I have no religious vocation (*le sigh*). 

When I heard about the earthquake in Norcia in late 2016, something stirred up in me. I still can't explain it but it felt very personal to me -- like it had deeply affected me even though I didn't have any ties to them. So, when I put my novels up for sale that winter, I donated all my royalties (and a little more from me) to their efforts to rebuild their lives in Norcia. I felt like my heart belonged to that little town, not knowing that, 2 years later I would reach out to them about possibly becoming an Oblate attached to their monastery.

During Lent 2018, after reading the Rule of St. Benedict and The Benedict Option by Rod Dreher, I dug deeper into learning as much as I could about the Benedictine spirituality. The more I learned,  the more at home I felt. Then I had an American Benedictine Oblate reach out to me about helping her connect with a Spanish author; an Oblate attached to Norcia. I took it as a sign to move forward with it -- starting my Oblate journey.

I began sending inquiries to monasteries that accepted distance oblates since the Benedictine monastery in the L.A. Archdiocese was not the right fit for me. I reached out to the Monks of Norcia and the ones at Clear Creek Abbey in Oklahoma. I heard from Clear Creek first (and more often) but there were too many obstacles over several months that made it clear that it wouldn't work out.

I had to wait to hear from Norcia but it was well worth it in the end. I would go several weeks and/or months between emails but I never gave up hope. I had already implemented part of what is required of an Oblate into my daily life (e.g. Divine Office, Lectio Divina, etc.). While I got impatient at times, I still trusted that God would help guide me. If He was making me wait, it was for a reason. Perhaps I needed to be 100% sure that this is what I wanted. Maybe I needed to work on my patience. Perhaps I needed to make the changes necessary to prove to myself that I could handle what is asked of an Oblate. 

Then I received the news that I would be able to begin my novitiate over the summer and I was overjoyed! Then I was a little worried, "How am I going to pay for this trip?" I asked around and no one had any other suggestions except to create a GoFundMe account. I waited until the end of the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena to make it and, well, we know the results from it! I even laughed (with tears in my eyes) and said, "Bl. Pier Giorgio, aren't I supposed to give you a gift, not the other way around?" I also thought to myself, "If I needed a clear sign that this was God's will for me, there's absolutely no doubt now!"

As I've said before, I've never felt more at peace about any decision in my life as I do about becoming a Benedictine oblate attached to the monastery at Norcia. This is where I feel like my heart is at; this is where my spiritual home will be at.

I still laugh about all the little seeds that were planted and all the little coincidences (or were they?) along the way; things I didn't notice until much later. 

All the St. Benedict dreams I've had for over a decade. Seriously, you can read some of the dreams I shared by searching "St. Benedict" in the blog's search feature on the upper left-hand corner.

The fact that my father was born the day after St. Benedict's traditional feast day (March 21st) and the fact that he died the day of his new feast day (July 11th). It almost seems like St. Benedict was meant to become my spiritual father. 

The way my former spiritual director redirected me to the Benedictines (more than once), a full 3 years before I seriously reconsidered them. 

I'm sure the fact that everything seems to move forward during Lent (like it has for the past two Lenten seasons) also means something I haven't figured out yet. Perhaps it's a metaphor for leaving my old life behind and having to sacrifice some of the creature comforts and selfish habits to begin this new life; one in which God will be even more present and at the center of my life.

Oh! And some quick answers to questions I've been asked about being a Benedictine oblate:

1) Yes, it's fine for women to attach themselves as Oblates to an all-male monastery such as Norcia because we won't be living with them. The monasteries become our spiritual homes and we're considering part of their community but we live out in the world. If we're able to, we'll make an annual trip to see them and reconnect with our spiritual home. In the case of Norcia, we American Oblates have the option of making an annual retreat in the States when the Oblate director visits since an annual trip to Italy isn't always possible.

2) No, it doesn't mean I'm becoming a religious sister. I'll remain a laywoman, living in the world but not of this world. I will live my life according to the Holy Rule, spending most of my time in prayer, studying/reading Scripture, and working in whatever field God wants me in. Since I'm not married nor do I have children -- and I'm still trying to recuperate from my recent health relapse -- my work is freelance writing and helping my other keep our household clean. I will also make hospitality and serving others a big part of my life, especially at my parish. In fact, once I have a little more energy and physical strength, I will be serving others in various ways during my free time (which I have a lot of).

I don't know whether I'll eventually marry or remain single but it won't be affected (or vice versa) by my being an Oblate. On the contrary, I believe it will enrich whichever vocation God has in store for me. If I'm meant to be a wife and mother someday, being an Oblate will prepare me to become less selfish, more giving/serving, and to not be afraid of the hard work that comes with the vocation. Likewise, if I'm meant to be single, I'll be prepared to work hard to support myself, to step outside of my own selfishness by serving others in need, and to pray for and offer up as much as I can for not only my spiritual home but all of the Church in general.

Here's a brief explanation about third orders (including what is required of Oblates) by Elizabeth Scalia for those still wondering about it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say a massive "thank you!" to everyone who donated and prayed for me. Since this summer's trip has already been funded, I can now begin to save up (little by little) for next year's trip when I will (God willing) be making my final Act of Oblation and become an official/full-fledged Oblate. Prayers that I find more work for that trip would be greatly appreciated. I have a little over a year to save up so here's hoping! 

Again, thank you for everything. I'm so eternally grateful to those of you who donated, prayed and shared the link. Thank you to my Heavenly friends, St. Frances of Rome, St. Benedict, and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati for all the intercessions and the prayers. Also, seriously, someone please canonize Bl. Pier Giorgio already! lol. 

I will keep y'all in the loop as I make progress in my Benedictine journey but, for now, that's all.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and have a wonderful week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Growing in Trust: My Theresian and Marian Lenten Lessons

“Are you crying because you want to do God’s will or you want God to do your will?”

That's what St. Frances of Rome's confessor asked her when she objected to getting married and asked God to please help her become a nun instead. This is also a phrase that has often popped up in my mind this Lenten season. Don't worry, I won't repeat what I wrote about my impatience and will versus God's will. Instead, I'm going to share something I keep "learning" this Lenten season with a little help from both of my co-patronesses for the year: Our Blessed Mother and St. Therese.

I've been having a very Theresian Lenten season. She's been popping up in my life so much since late last year that I've taken to learning as much as I can about her life this season. I started with the same Lenten book I've been using for the past (nearly) decade, A Lenten Journey with Jesus and St. Therese of Lisieux by Fr. John F. Russell, O. Carm. Then I moved onto A Family of Saints: The Martins of Lisieux‐Saints Thérèse, Louis, and Zélie by Stephane-Joseph Piat (side note: major family goals!) and My Sister, St. Therese by Sr. Genevieve of the Holy Face (a.k.a. Celine Martin).

The more I read, the more I find a kindred spirit in St. Therese... and then more confidence I feel about being myself and expressing my faith in a way that people may ridicule but that would, at least, be authentic. The "flowery" language, the childlike way of looking at things -- I understand it. I feel it deep down... way down because I've tried to bury it because others made fun of me for it. It wasn't until recently that I've allowed myself to be more open about it; even if I end up getting ridiculed for my "innocence."

Another thing I've been learning is in growing in my trust in God. St. Therese had such a beautiful trust in Him as did my model of what true womanhood is: Our Blessed Mother. Mama Mary's fiat is the ultimate example of trust in God. She knew that she would suffer but she still consented to do God's will and only being a "handmaiden of the Lord." That's what I want and hope to eventually go myself to without letting any fears or worries get to me.

Last week I began the 33 Days to Merciful Love: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat in Preparation for Consecration to Divine Mercy by Fr. Michael E. Gaitley, MIC. It's been such a blessing because it's allowed me to dive deeper in what's become my theme for this Lenten season: growing in trust of Him through the examples of both Mama Mary and St. Therese. I know that it was no fluke that somehow both became co-patronesses of the year for me. I also believe that it's no coincidence that I found out which monastery God seems to want me to attach myself as a Benedictine Oblate during this season when I'm so deeply immersed in all of this learning and growth.

Today, I was reminiscing about how many times I've cried to God about what I want without thinking that His will for me might be different. Of course, we can't change His mind but He can also grant us what we keep bugging Him about -- something I've also learned the hard way in the past. I would've avoided a lot of heartaches, stress, and dumb decisions if I had just listened to God's clear signs instead of asking Him to grant me what I wanted; things He allowed me to experience so that I could finally "get" that His plans for me are so much better than my own.

Exactly one week ago today, I learned where I would be headed in a couple of months to begin my Benedictine oblate novitiate. I still don't know how I'm going to pay for it -- I have not figured out any new fundraising ideas nor have I had any new work leads and I only have about a fourth of my goal saved up -- but I'm trusting God to provide a way if it's His will that I go forward with this. Yes, I'm putting what I've been learning this season into practice.

I've already resigned myself to the possibility that I won't be able to begin my Oblate novitiate this upcoming summer and that I will have to delay it for a couple of months -- until the end of the year -- if I can't raise the money in time to put down the retreat deposit and then book my flight. I've never felt more certain or at peace with any decision in my life as I am of not only becoming a Benedictine oblate but also knowing that this particular monastery is the one that He seems to want to be as my spiritual home. But the timeline remains up in the air. The finances are a bit stressful, as is the thought of having to take a plane (flying and I don't mix... at all!) but all my trust is in God.

I feel like this is just the first of many "tests" I will be facing in the next couple of months; experiences that will help me see if I'm growing in my trust of God or if I'm still holding onto my fears and letting them dictate what I do (or don't do). I don't know why but I feel like I'm going to be tested in my trust of God and of doing His will in every area of my life that I've been stagnant in for so long (especially my vocation). I know I'm usually quiet about that area of my life but let's just say that I think I have an inkling that I might know what's going to happen in that area of my life... and that I'm going to have to not only wait a little while longer but that I'll have to be incredibly patient and selfless. I have a feeling I'll become an Oblate before I go forward with my "big v" vocation. Again, just an inkling I've been having for a couple of weeks now; one that I'm surprisingly at peace with.

Anyway, I feel like I'm starting to repeat myself so I'll just leave it at that.

How is everyone else's Lenten season going? Anyone seeing any fruits?

I hope your start of the week has been going well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Does Anyone Have Any Oblate Trip Fundraising Ideas?

It's official! I know where I will begin my Oblate novitiate in a couple of months! I'm so very excited!! I had done the St. Benedict novena for his first feast day of the year (March 21st) which ended less than a week ago for this very intention -- a clear sign to where God wanted me if it was His will that I become an Oblate. I also talked to a trusted priest -- who had given me much needed advice -- exactly one week ago. I have no doubt that it was the combo of the prayers of St. Frances of Rome (did a novena to her earlier this month), St. Benedict, our parish priest, my friends (who've been praying for me during the months I've been waiting to hear from the places where I had sent my inquiries) and from you lovely blog readers who might've said a prayer for me following the March 21st post about my impatience and my will vs God's will.

For months, I had been waiting to hear back from the Benedictine monastery where I hope to attach myself to. All that time spent waiting and praying helped me be sure that it was where God wanted me, not where I wanted to go for whatever convenient or selfish reason. There was another monastery I thought I would end up at but, for several reasons, it didn't work out. In hindsight, it was best for me because I think it could've potentially harmed my spiritual life more than helped it.

Now I have the exciting yet partially stressful task of planning the trip to the retreat where I will officially begin my novitiate. I'm excited about it for obvious reasons. This is something I've been praying and waiting for for over a year when I officially began sending inquiries to monasteries. As I've begun to incorporate the Benedictine spirituality and Rule into my life, I've seen so much more peace and purpose in my life. I can see how I'm growing, spirituality, though I never notice it until much later. As excited as I am, I have one big problem: I don't have the savings to make the trip.

As many of you know, it's just my mother and I and has been this way since my father passed away almost 10 years ago. With my health not being the best in recent years, work has been hard to come by since I can currently only work from home. I've had a slight relapse over the winter months (which makes sense; I have a severe vitamin D deficiency I've yet to recover from and it's been mostly rainy and/or cloudy this past winter) which has made even freelance writing difficult. Roughly 85% of my paychecks go towards helping my mother out with keeping the household financially afloat and 13% goes towards my student loan payments. If we have anything left over at the end of the month, it goes towards my savings but it's rare when I can put part of it into savings. Also, after a particularly disastrous financial month this month, my savings also took a hit so I'm left with enough for just one way to the retreat destination.

That's where I need your help: I need help figuring out fundraising ideas. If any of you know of someone who needs a writer, a proofreader, or anything I can do from home, please let me know! In the spirit of the Benedictines, I would like to work for what I earn. Transcribing is too time consuming and doing VIPkid would not work with my own fatigue since I never know when the fatigue will overwhelm me into slumber.

I've had people suggest a GoFundMe but I have nothing other than prayers to offer as a "thank you." I also have my mother's voice in my head, drilling into me (as a child) that I need to work hard for what I want; that I shouldn't take advantage of people by asking for help, even financially. It may be bordering on a pride thing but it's something that I've heard so much over the past 33 years of my life so I feel guilty even thinking about setting up an account.

Right now, I need to save up for the round-trip fare (I have a terrible fear of flying, especially if I'm going by myself, so I'll be looking up both train and flight fares), the $ I'll spend on food during the trip, for the actual retreat, and the car rental fee/Lyft costs when I arrive at my destination. I don't want to say when the trip is or where I'm headed for privacy issues but I do plan on blogging the experience after it happens. I'm also withholding which monastery I'll become a novice with from public knowledge for now, again, due to safety and privacy issues. Once the time of the trip comes, I'll share as many details as I can give. :)

So, does anyone have any ideas or know of anyone who needs a writer or proofreader? Please send me any leads you may have!

Alright, well, that's it for now. I'm going to go try to figure out Amtrak (and flight, gulp) fares and crunch some numbers.

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Impatience and My Plans vs God's Plans

Happy traditional feast of St. Benedict! I finished the novena for his intercession last night... but I won't tell you what I asked for until a bit later. ;)

Obviously, this "daily blogging" thing isn't going to work out this Lent. Boo! I really wanted to do it but God seems to have other plans for me, a theme that has been recurring for me these past 2 weeks. Well, longer than that but it's been more obvious lately. I make plans and God seems to have other plans for me... and that's perfectly fine.

I have plans to do all my work early in the week... other (slightly more important) things pop up, causing me to not write a single thing until the due date. Thankfully, I know what I'm going to write; I just need to find the time to write and submit the posts.

I have plans to blog... I end up not even touching my laptop for a couple of days due to all the things that pop up. Thankfully, I don't think anyone actually minds so I'm good.

I have plans to attend Mass on Monday afternoon... and I end up going to Mass Tuesday evening. Not that I minded; I ended up going on St. Joseph's feast day with good friends!

I plan to go to the library to return a book on Sts. Louis, Zelie, and Therese... and I'm met with lightning and thunder, forcing me back home until the following day. Yes, I paid the fine for being a day late, too. It ended up working out for me since I got to read more of the book.

I plan on getting a certain ingredient for something I'm craving... and I can't find it anywhere. Oh well. I ended up getting something else with more iron and other vitamins and will probably be better for me in the long run.

All of these are good reminders that my plans are never as good as God's plans for me. I've seen it before, several times. The most dramatic was me not being able to attend university in England as was planned, not knowing that my father would be diagnosed with cancer for a second time... and not knowing he would pass away from it.

Another costly example was me feeling that God was calling me down a certain career path and me, very obstinately, saying, "But God, I/my family needs X, Y, Z and I can't see how going down that path is going to help so I'm going to do A and/or B." I'm literally paying for that terrible mistake (read: student loans).

I'm currently struggling with having patience and trusting God in two areas of my life: where I am to become a Benedictine oblate and with the pangs of loneliness.

I've been discerning becoming a Benedictine oblate for over a year now and it's not really going anywhere. It's very frustrating, especially since I've never been more certain that this is what I'm meant to do. I talked to a priest I very much trust on the feast of St. Joseph (of all days!) and he agreed that it would be best for me to attach myself to a more traditional Benedictine monastery. That meant I had to discard the possibility of discerning with the monastery within the  L.A. archdiocese... and keep waiting to hear from one of the monasteries I've reached out to in the past year. One is within the U.S. and two are abroad. That means traveling... but I just don't know where I'm headed. It's hard to stay stagnant when you're sure of something...

... which is also how I've been feeling about my (large v) vocation. I'm the first to joke about being single and to admit that I'm actually pretty content being single but it's changed a bit recently. I'm sure it's because it's Lent but I've been feeling that pang of loneliness quite intensely these past two weeks. I feel like I'm stuck and I can't move forward no matter how much I try (and, trust me, I've tried despite my dislike of dating). I know it's all about God's timing but my human nature is feeling the ache and it's been weighing heavily on my heart, especially today. I'm sure reading about the lives of Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin this week didn't help very much. Not that I blame them -- they gave me major "relationship goals" -- but it's so hard to see (or read about) those who've been able to grow, spiritually, thanks to their taking their vocations seriously.

Is anyone else feeling the impatience of waiting for whatever God has in store for you more acutely during Lent? It doesn't even have to be a discernment to a third order or waiting for your future spouse. It can be waiting for a job promotion, for a child, or news on something important to you. If so, let me know (you don't have to tell me what it's you're waiting for) and I'll add you to my prayers list.

Anyway, just a quick little blog about my struggles so far this Lent. It seems like it's going to quite the "Lent-y Lent," doesn't it? lol. Oh! And please don't send me a cliche "trust God" and "all in His own timing" comment because 1) yes, I know, 2) I'm trying, very, very hard and 3) it actually makes me feel worse, not better.

I hope you're all having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Shhh! Silence!

It took me a week and a half to update this blog because I've been trying to embrace the silence in my life, including that which comes from eschewing social media and technology as much as possible.

When the New Year started, I decided to embrace the silence and calm of Advent and extend it all year 'round. I've felt burnt out on social media -- and the internet in general -- for so long that take any and every opportunity to stay offline. I love that I can go days without logging in and people don't notice. I suspect that no one really cares, either. It's both humbling and wonderful.

Of course, it's not easy to stay completely offline. Almost everyone in my life seems to live on social media... or, at the very least, use it to communicate rather than sending emails or text messages. I've tried to get a few people to text more regularly so I can use social media less but it seems like too much of a hassle to them. Thankfully, my best friend probably dislikes social media more than I do so our friendship is lived out offline, albeit through texts since we're both in different countries at the moment.

I use the internet for work as well. I can't write or send in my work without the use of it. Although I sometimes wish I had something else to do, I do actually enjoy writing. It also seems to be what God wants me to continue doing. Trust me, there have been times when I've said, "God, what else can I do?" during Mass and an internal voice says, "Write. Just write" before I get a lot more writing work.

I'll admit that I envy those who have fuller lives offline, giving them excuses to avoid the use of it. I admire (and envy) my best friend and two other dear friends who are so busy with work (bestie) and their families (two other friends) that they don't have a lot of time to sit around to scroll through Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I wish that were the case for me -- that I had other things going on that would give me an excuse to avoid it.

Actually, my time has been taken up by prayer and housework lately. I pray as many hours in the Divine Office and the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. In fact, I took a break from writing this to pray Vespers. Do you know how long it takes me to get through all my morning prayers when I wake up -- and I do intentionally pray before I do anything else? Anywhere between half an hour to an hour, depending on how much I have to do and how asleep I am. If you think that's too long, think about how much time you spend scrolling through social media each morning. Yes, that's where I got my time to pray -- using social media less and using that time to pray in silence. Ditto with housework.

I enjoy the silence. I didn't always use to. In fact, silence made me uncomfortable. If I'm being completely honest, it still occasionally does. Sometimes I feel like I need to have an audiobook, a podcast, or some music on even when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Why is that? If I feel so overstimulated, why do I feel the need to fill the silent moments with more noise instead of just letting my mind simmer down in the silence? For those of you who feel burnt out and overstimulated by noise and social media, I ask the same questions. Think about them. Why do you add more when you already feel overwhelmed?

For me, it came down to the fact that it's because it's what I've been accustomed to... and what scared me. Most of us are used to having dozens of things going on at once. Most of us can't even read one book at a time; we need to have at least two going on at once. We have many tabs on our browsers open. We have our phones closely because of the FOMO and the addiction to those pesky notifications. We have music or something on in the background while we do just about anything in our waking hours.

I had one big question to ask myself as I embarked on this journey: What was I so afraid of that I needed to keep noise in my life at all times? I'm still not quite sure I know the full answer but I have a feeling that perhaps I've been afraid of hearing what God had to say to me.

I'm genuinely afraid that I won't have the strength or courage to do what God may call me to do. I fear that I'll just crumble under stress or discouragement if I fail to do what is asked of me. I did that with my vocation discernment for a long time. When I finally opened up myself to whatever God willed for me -- even if it was something that took me away from something I wanted to do -- the silence stopped bothering me as much. Opening up myself to His will and not my own helped... but I still occasionally have my moments of self-doubt and that's when I want to default to bringing in more noise into my life.

As a budding Benedictine Oblate, I've had to learn to use my time more purposefully; to not waste it away like I use to. I try to work AND pray in silence as much as possible. Think cleaning an apartment in which two adult women live is easy? Nope. It's neverending cleaning, cooking, and washing. Instead of waiting to clean one or two days a week, I try to do little bits every day. I try to do one thing at a time because my concentration is so horrendous from multitasking for most of my life; also done in silence since I've found that it helps with concentration. All of that silence and work adds up and that usually means I don't have much time for anything else before I have to (correction: choose to) shut my devices (iPod touch, iPhone, Kindle, laptop, TV, etc.) off.

As I try to keep up with the Divine Office AND the Little Office, I have less time to scroll aimlessly through social media. I turn off all social media and emails at 9:59 p.m. and don't pick them up again until the following day. If I don't feel tired enough to sleep at 10 p.m., I take out a book and read. I'm trying to "wean" myself off of using the Kindle at night, opting to use a booklight and read a physical book. I've had a weird sleeping schedule (anywhere between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m.) for about two weeks now so I'm trying to see if that helps get my internal clock back on track.

In the morning, I don't touch anything that isn't part of my prayer routine. Most days lately, I don't even have time to go on social media until the afternoon because I spend most of the early morning hours praying or making breakfast or doing something else. It's a routine that I've been loving most days. Yes, some days are harder than others -- especially when I'm feeling more sociable -- but it's been what has best worked for me and my spiritual life.

It all comes back to God. I'm embracing silence to best hear Him, even if I fear I'll fail. I'm embracing the Benedictine spirituality because it's what's helped me grow in my spiritual life the most; what's helped my relationship with God. Yes, that sometimes means praying when I can be doing something else like sleeping or chatting online. I choose to pray before I do anything because I know that as soon as I check emails and/or social media, I won't be able to concentrate on the prayers. All of this is done as quietly and intentionally as possible.

My routine isn't perfect. Sometimes I will log into social media or hit the "email" app out of habit. Sometimes I will turn on the KUSC or Overdrive apps because silence is bothering me. When this happens, it usually means I need to stop and listen to what God may be trying to say to me. Still, I try and start over if I have to. That's better than giving up or not even trying in the first place.

Does anyone else have the occasional problem with silence? If so, have you figured out what has been causing it? If you've been able to break a social media habit or the habit to have continuous noise in your life, do you have any tips you can share?

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm sure a lot of what I wrote was me going around in circles or not making much sense but I needed to get it out as a way to hold myself accountable for continuing this routine. That and it's almost 8 p.m. and I haven't had dinner yet. Oops. Yet another thing that I will need to do that will cut into my social media time before 10 p.m. Darn. ;)

I hope you've all been having a lovely month so far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!