The Coronavirus Pandemic from the POV of a Chronically Ill Catholic

I just got off the phone with my doctor. She told me to ask friends to get the medication she ordered for me (and, eventually, food) because I need to stay at home during this time.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

I would be lying if I said I didn't experience at least one minor anxiety attack per day when (I'm sure) well-meaning people trying to "prepare" me with stats and facts go overboard.

I would be lying if I said that I don't cry every day from feeling overwhelmed by everything going on. Putting aside my own selfish fears for myself, as an HSP, I easily absorb the feelings of those around me so I feel it all.

The CDC released a list of 10 medical conditions that are most at risk for "severe coronavirus illness". On that was list was blood disorders... which I have.

I've suffered from chronic thrombocytopenia (low platelets) for over 12 years now. I've had chronic anemia (on and off) for the past 5-6 years. I also occasionally have pancytopenia, meaning that my platelets, red and white blood counts are all under normal count from time to time.

I also have additional factors that put me at risk -- a liver issue they're still trying to figure out, malnutrition from the multiple food allergies that have severely restricted my diet (I can only have 4-5 foods... period), and I'm underweight from the restricted diet and recently emotional toll of family and relationship problems I faced. They're also trying to figure out which autoimmune disease may be causing my bilateral optic nerve edemas as well as my other health problems. Right now, the two that are most likely are MCAS or Sjogren's Syndrome.

My mother, who is 65, works in a convalescent hospital where about 99% of the patients are over 75 years old. She has her own medical issues that put her at risk. With the news and everyone talking about the coronavirus 24/7, is it any wonder we're both stressed out?

That's part of the reason why I decided to take a break from Twitter. Yes, the other part was because people were being rude. I've received threats. I've been stalked. I've been made to feel like I'm absolute trash unworthy to call myself a Catholic or even a decent human being. I've had people twist my words and/or imply that I was an idiot because I've asked for prayers when I've faced difficult situations.

Some people act like they know my body and my medical history better than I do, scaring me by telling me my heartburn (which I've dealt with since my teens) is really a symptom of a heart attack and that I'm a complete idiot for not going to the ER because they are a doctor/EMT/nurse and they know better than I, a simpleton, do. Yes, please, advise me to go to the ER for a bad GERD/heartburn flare-up almost identical to all the those I've experienced before... during a time where it could be potentially dangerous for me to contract something more severe. And, for the record, yes, I just spoke to my doctor about how bad the heartburn got and she advised me to take medication, go on a bland diet, and drink a lot of water for it. But, please, continue telling me I'm an idiot for not going to the ER.

All of these things, plus news of the pandemic, have been taxing on my mental health... which exacerbates the physical symptoms, acid reflux included. It's a never-ending cycle, y'all.

Crying is how I release the tension when I feel overwhelmed. Crying... and prayer.

Prayer hasn't been easy for me these days. My mind wanders easily; jumps straight into all the fears for my health and those of my loved ones (mother, brother, friends, etc.) I can't concentrate. I occasionally have to force myself to go through my daily prayer routine but I get it done. This is what the devil wants. He wants us to focus on ourselves and our fears (he loves when we live in fear) and turn our back on God during these difficult moments. While it's hard, given our fallen human nature, to not think about our fears and ourselves, we must try.

I was blessed to have prayed the Rosary with two of my good friends via FaceTime audio earlier today. It was one of the handfuls of times this week I was able to concentrate a bit better while praying. I hope to continue being able to pray with them (and other friends) while we're on lockdown because it does help. I'm stuck at home all day and since my mom works 5 days a week, I'm often by myself. I know I'm an introvert but science has proven that we do need a little bit of human interaction now and then, especially those of us who are sick.

I agree that it's been awful to have public Masses canceled but I understand why the decision was made. Trust me, I have prayed for months to be able to attend daily Mass... and I was finally getting that desire fulfilled. I went from attending daily Mass to having to stay home because of the risks, something I struggled with obeying. My initial reaction was "flip that table! I'm going to Mass, virus or no virus!" In fact, when I went to my last Mass a week ago, I went knowing I was risking it... and I spent the entire Mass with palpitations. After that impulse calmed down and I really thought about how God would want me to take care of the body He gave me -- and knowing that I was dispensed from the obligation of attending Mass -- I made the decision to obey. Obedience is a pillar in the Benedictine spirituality and one that has been hard for me to cultivate as a very stubborn and independent person. I keep trying to remember that those who are spiritually more mature and have more medical knowledge than I do have placed these rules for a reason so I will humbly submit to them.

Thankfully, I've always known of additional resources for when I'm stuck at home -- I've even written two articles on it for EpicPew (4 Ways to Experience the Mass Even If You're Stuck at Home and Discover These Underutilized Catholic Websites And Resources!). I can watch Mass, even do holy hours, via online websites. Does that mean it's an easy transition for me? No! It's still difficult for me to be away from my parish and the Sacraments. Do you think I want to be away from my Beloved, in the tabernacle or the adoration chapel, just when I've realized that I want nothing more than to be His future bride as a consecrated virgin? No! It's especially painful for me right now; right when I've finally figured out what my true vocation is. Still, I obey... and I remind myself that He is with me, even when I'm at home.

Oh, and for those who may be new to the blog... this isn't the first time I've been without the Sacraments for a long period of time. I've gone several months without the Eucharist before (when I was put on a gluten-free diet and before I was able to receive low-gluten hosts) so this isn't new territory for me... but it's somehow now harder than ever because of where I am in my spiritual life and vocation discernment.

Instead of dumping on poor Archbishop Gomez like so many other people are doing, I'm going to personally thank him. As a chronically ill Catholic, I know what it feels like to be thought of as a burden to others -- to those who are healthy and are "punished" because some of us are physically weaker than them. I understand the frustration of those who want to be able to attend Mass and receive the Sacraments but can't because "weaklings" like me could be exposed to something, if not directly than through contact with someone in our family who is healthy and attended Mass but was possibly infected by someone else who is in a low-risk group. Yes, we need Christ and the Sacraments now more than ever, but he made an extremely difficult decision because he, as the spiritual father of the Los Angeles Archdiocese, wanted to err on the side of caution. It's called prudence and it's a virtue, y'all. And, who says God isn't with us in our homes and wherever we are at all times?

Do you think it was a decision Archbishop Gomez (and, likewise, other spiritual leaders across the States and worldwide) made lightly? No. I've heard from several sources that those closest to our Archbishop say it was a difficult decision for him to make; one that weighed heavily on him. He cares about us and our well being, no matter what some people say. I don't even want to hear from those of you who are calling him a coward or saying that he cares more about our bodies than our souls. Now is not the time to be uncharitable. Now is the time to get together and pray for our priests who are at the front of the line. They are the ones who, along with those in the medical fields, will be dealing with folks severely infected with the virus. They will be administering the anointing of the sick and/or last rites. They are the ones who will risk their own safety and health for others.

Need I remind y'all that receiving the Eucharist frequently is a luxury we've all gotten used to.. and often take for granted? I've read that St. Therese only received it once a month. Those who live in rural areas who share a priest with multiple other communities don't have that same luxury we do. We have spiritual communion we can do that is completely valid; something we can do multiple times per day from what I've learned.

We have the gift of technology that allows us to watch Mass being celebrated. We can get together with others at a distance to pray together; to bring comfort to one another during these trials through a variety of different platforms. I even had the opportunity to receive impromptu spiritual direction via FaceTime because I was unable to leave the house at the last minute yesterday (guess whose car broke down... again). We have so many resources at our disposals and we have so many opportunities to use social media and the internet to spread the Good News and bring God to others, yet we're using it to tear one another apart; to bring negativity and division instead of unity.

I know that my saying all of this will fall on deaf ears to some but I hope others will try to see things from the POV of someone like me.

I don't want to see negativity on my social media timelines, it doesn't do me any good -- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or even physically (since my emotional health tends to be closely tied to my physical wellbeing).

I don't want people attacking anyone else, whether they're personally attacking me or someone else whose views differ from theirs.

I want us to unite, as the body of Christ, and pray for one another. Not just for those of us a risk but everyone else. Odds are you know someone -- a family member, a friend, a coworker, an acquaintance, your own parish priest -- who is at risk. Pray for them.

Pray for those in the medical field. Doctors, specialists, nurses, EMTs, even the staff at clinics and hospitals. They are at the front of the line... and then go home to their families who are also put at risk.

Pray for priests, even the young and healthy ones, who will witness so much suffering -- even if that suffering is in the form of devout parishioners begging them to do "underground" Masses because they're so desperate to receive the Eucharist.

Pray for those who have been infected, whether they're in recovery or are still suffering. Pray for their loved ones who hurt seeing them suffer.

Pray for the souls of those who've lost their lives due to this virus as well as their families and friends who are grieving.

Pray for those who are poor in spirit; those who reject God and those who don't know Him out of ignorance.

If you're a fellow chronic illness sufferer, may I suggest offering up our aches and pains -- physical, emotional, and mental -- for others? We have such a gift to give by uniting our suffering with that of Christ on the Cross. As Pope St. John Paul II reminded us in Salvific Doloris, we can offer up our suffering for the good of others. Think about it, Jesus was surrounded by those who were suffering before He Himself suffered the agony on the Cross. He knows what we're going through... and knew pain and agony far worse than we will experience. The graces He will pour out into the world will be greater and sweeter because He knows how much pain we're in and how much courage it takes to endure the pain for the sake of others.

Anyway, I just wanted to put my two cents in because I haven't seen anyone else share anything close to this on social media. Granted, I'm not on Twitter right now (well, not a public account) but I'm sure something would've eventually trickled in through friends.

I hope you're all trying to stay as calm as possible during this time. I know it's much easier said than done. However, I also think that we can grow by leaps and bounds during this time. God wanted us to be alive at this point in time for a reason. God will undoubtedly help us learn how to better achieve sainthood through these difficult circumstances, we just need to be open to it.

Please remember His commandments: Love Him first and foremost and love thy neighbor as thyself. Praise Him even when things seem to have hit rock bottom (a la Job) and be charitable towards one another.

Alright, getting off my soapbox now. I hope you're all doing well (all things considering).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

When Life Goes Crazy and God Disappears

Yes, I know; it's been over a month since my last blog post.

Life has been... an adventure.

There have been multiple doctor appointments and still more to come.

There have been trips to hospitals, including an ambulance ride to the emergency room when I had chest pains that were so bad that they made my entire left side go numb; the EMTs wanted to make sure I wasn't having any heart-related issues. They turned out to be muscle spasms that I've still felt as recently as yesterday.

There have been plans to move forward in a couple of areas in my life... all while dealing with health issues.

Ah, yes... the ever-present health issues. While my platelets were within the normal range for the first time in over a decade for two (yes, two) blood draws, the anemia has gotten a bit worse.

I've also been waking up and going "blind" for a couple of minutes in the morning. It usually takes me to the end of the second or (more frequently) third Rosary mystery before I can see enough to keep going on with my day. I have an ophthalmology appointment on the 15th -- the feast of the Assumption -- to hopefully begin figuring out what's been going on these last couple of months.

And, to top it off, I'm either allergic to a big staple in my diet or it just ups my histamine levels which made me perpetually congested and teary-eyed until I stopped eating it a week ago. Why, potatoes? Why?! So, now I'm down to only two things that I can eat: chicken and corn tortillas. Can we say "malnutrition deficiencies"? Since I have major food allergy PTSD (it's no fun to feel your throat get swollen or like you can't breathe right after you've eaten something that has never made you sick before), it's going to take a lot of courage to try new foods while dealing with the fears I have of potentially having a severe allergic reaction. It thankfully hasn't happened yet -- my reactions have been mild to perhaps slightly moderate-ish so far  -- my doctors are having me carry an EpiPen wherever I go. Fun, right?

Are we seeing the adventure part, yet? Yes, it's been a wild ride.

Throughout all of this, I'm ashamed to admit that I fluctuate between trusting God and forgetting He's even here. This is straight-up, real talk.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own fears that I forget Who ultimately has control of the situation. While I was amazingly calm during the chest pain/spams ordeal -- to the point where the doctors ruled out anxiety as a cause for the chest pains; I was praying the Rosary while going through the spasm pains -- I've had moments of pure panic where God isn't even in the back of my mind. And it's not like I even distrust that God has my back; I just forget because I'm so wrapped up in myself. It's absolutely horrible.

Lately, I've been wondering if I've gone through all of this as a sort of test. Not that God is testing my love for Him. It's more like God is allowing these trials to help me try to keep Him on my mind more often; to help me realize what areas of my life I need to work on to better my relationship with Him and strengthen my faith. Just looking back at how many times I didn't even think about Him versus how many times I remembered that God was in control has been an eye-opener. I have a lot to work on but I'm prepared to do that work.

All of this has always made me even more acutely aware of how much I am missing the Sacraments. How many times have I gone to Mass in the past 9 weeks? Once... at the retreat... because the chapel was literally downstairs and I could take the elevator down from where my room was and walk, even while dizzy and lightheaded and feeling faint, to it. Now that I'm back home and my health has slowly regressed and I have no one who can potentially drive me to Mass and feel comfortable enough help steady me if I feel a little lightheaded when standing up? No Mass for Emmy. Sometimes I'm too weak to even get out of bed, let alone walk downstairs or even drive to the nearest parish.

And, of course, that also means it's been that long since I've been to confession as well. I've had two mini spiritual direction meetings since but I haven't had a proper confession in weeks. My heart longs for it. I don't like being away from the Sacraments. I don't like missing Mass. I intensely dislike not having been to confession since shortly after my birthday in late May. The longer these things go on, the more distant and muddled my relationship with God feels.

I, thankfully, have moments of consolation where I feel God's presence, His mercy and love, in my life but those are infrequent and never last long enough. It's like I've taken up residence in the middle of the desert... in the middle of summer... during the worst heatwave ever recorded in the area. It's just plumb awful. Of course, just because I don't feel His presence doesn't mean He's not there. His existence isn't based on my dull human feelings. Intellectually, I know that... but it's still hard and it makes the struggle through the spiritual dryness even harder to get through.

I know that we all go through these rough periods in our lives and especially in our spiritual life. I know that great saints have gone through years or even decades (St. Teresa of Calcutta, anyone?) where they receive no consolation during their "dark nights of the soul." Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to feel that closeness with God ever again... but, regardless, I still keep going. I mean, I feel like a fraud most of the time (again, this is real talk, y'all) because I haven't been able to attend Mass or confession but I'm still trying to do the little bits I can do.

I'm still praying the Benedictine Office throughout the day. I still have my list of daily prayers I pray, including the (much needed) Litany of Humility. I still pray the Rosary daily. I still pray for those who ask for prayers; for those whom I love and care for. I still try to do the right thing even though, the longer I go without the Sacraments, the harder it is to not fall into temptation and occasionally slip up. Still, that somehow doesn't seem like enough to me.

So, that's where I am. I hope my health improves in the near future because I miss attending Mass, receiving the Eucharist, and giving my soul a nice scrubbing in the confessional. Heck, I just want to have enough physical stamina to do basic things like getting out of bed and making myself something to eat without help some days.

I may be crazy to do it but... there's going to be a big change happening in the near future for me. This big change has been a long time coming. It's going to make me face some of my biggest fears and it's going to take me away from everything I've ever known. I think you can sort of guess what I'll be doing with those clues. Again, I may be crazy for embarking on this journey in the middle of my health issues, but perhaps this is something I need to do to improve my health. I'm being vague about it now but I hope to be able to share some details after it's all said and done. Just, please, keep me in your prayers because the whole situation is going to be high-stress and I'm honestly a little worried about how that will affect my health in the process.

... did I forget to mention that life has been an adventure lately? I didn't even mention finishing novel three in the middle of all that craziness! lol. Yes, I'll blog about that soon, as well.

Anyway, this is all part of why I've been MIA lately. I know I've been slightly more active on Twitter but that's been due to the prayer requests when I feel like, "Okay, I need prayer warriors to help me out with this one." I hope to get back to writing more, especially now that novel three is done and I'm slowly getting through all the doctor's appointments (and the follow-ups to the follow-ups). I have 3-4 more appointments scheduled (for now) in the next month, two this week.

Breathe in... hold for 1... 2... 3... 4... and breathe out...  Repeat.

I hope summer has been kinder to y'all so far. Can autumn hurry up and get here already? Summertime and I clearly don't get along. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

A Lenten Beginning: Sacrifices, Laments, and a Humble Plan

As I write this, I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, awaiting the EWTN app on my Roku to turn on so that Mom and I can watch the "live" (read: rebroadcast from earlier) Mass from Rome in a couple of minutes. Since Mom is much more comfortable with the Spanish language, we're going to watch it on the EWTN en Español feed. As you can guess by this action, we were unable to get to Mass today.

We knew that we weren't going to be able to go to the 7 a.m. or noon-time Masses because of the heavy rain predicted for those times but I had hope for the 7 p.m. Mass. Sadly, due to the rain (it apparently hasn't stopped raining all day) and the flooding in the streets, we're going to be stuck at our apartment until possibly Friday. Insert sad panda face here. Thankfully, we stocked up on food and other possible necessities in anticipation of the rain and street flooding so we'll be fine stuck inside for a couple of days.

I really, really wanted to get to confession and Mass today. I wanted those ashes on my forehead. I wanted to start Lent "right." I'm currently fighting back tears from the disappointment and the frustration of it all. I know it's silly but I cannot shake off the feeling that I'm not starting Lent the proper way. Or, at the very least, the way I wanted it to start. It's bad enough that I cannot fast nor abstain from meat. I feel like this penitential season is easier for me than everyone else and it makes me feel like I'm a terrible Catholic as a result. I'm constantly reminded of how my daily life is compromised of continuous sacrifices and penances but it still doesn't seem like enough.

My (once again) vitamin D-deficiency-induced chronic fatigue makes me sacrifice my social life and having a "normal" work life outside the home. It also requires me to swallow my pride and ask for help when I cannot do something myself; something hard for someone as independent and (once) active as I am. I also think that I end up sacrificing my want of a husband and family because these things aren't exactly guy magnets. On the contrary, they scare guys away.

I know my life isn't "easy" but I'm so used to it that I don't even consider it hard. This is because I have the luxury of being able to work from home and thus sleep as much as my body requires it. I have a roof over my head and we've been able to create a household budget to be able to afford the food that helps keep me fed and as healthy as possible. I've chosen to help my mother with the household expenses through whatever freelance writing work I can get. I help take care of her when she needs it but I don't have other responsibilities beyond that. I'm so very fortunate in many ways others aren't.

Sure, I can't go on vacation or buy any material things that I may want. If I want something, I have to work hard and save up for it for months if it requires money. Even then, I think long and hard about whether I truly need it instead of just wanting it. If I don't need it, I end up giving it up for something that is necessary. But I see this all as a part of being an adult; of putting needs ahead of wants.

I guess this is something I have to work on this Lenten season -- being okay with my limitations and letting go of all the things I want to do (or think I need to do).

Humility is my chosen word this Lent; my chosen virtue to work on to combat that wounded pride that my independent and egotistical nature struggles with when I have to admit "defeat"; to admit that I can't do what I want to and do what I can. Lord knows how much this proud gal needs to be humbled and I'm hoping God grants me the graces necessary to become and stay humble. I hope all of this will make me be more open to His plans and will for my life; that it will make me more worthy of an eternity in Heaven.

I feel like this plan -- to cultivate humility -- was set in motion when I did the 54-day Rosary novena late last year when I asked to become more like our Blessed Mother. In a providential twist, she and St. Therese -- another beautiful model of humility -- became my co-patronesses for the year; my models who have also been my constant companions over the last couple of months. I didn't know why both kept popping up in my life so much but now it's starting to make sense. So, that is what I'm going to do -- look at their lives, learn from them, and work on emulating them this season and beyond. There is also something else -- or, I should say, someone else through a specific devotion -- that I will focus on during Lent that will hopefully help with my focus but it deserve its own blog post so stay tuned for that.

Does anyone else have any particular goals they're working on during Lent?

Anyway, this is it for now. I have some Lenten reflections to get to before it gets any later in the day.

I hope you're all having a good start to the Lenten season.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Crazy (But Perfect) Consecration Day Adventure

I've been wanting to write this post for several days now because my consecration day was pretty crazy yet perfect in its own way.

On June 9th, the memorial of the Immaculate Heart of Mary (to whom I have a special devotion), I consecrated myself to Mary... but the events that led up to it were something straight out of a movie.

First, I felt poorly so I was unable to go to the 8 a.m. Mass and 8:30 a.m. confession time at a nearby parish. We moved that to the 4 p.m. confession and 5 p.m. Mass but, of course, I started feeling really sick around 1:30 p.m. and it didn't let up by the time our 3:30 p.m. departure time came.

I was (as my British friends say) gutted! I had wanted to go to confession, Mass, and then do the consecration after Mass and I didn't think it was going to be possible... so I pulled a Hail Mary (almost literally).

I began praying the Memorare Emergency Novena (praying the Memorare 9 times back to back). I told our Blessed Mother, "You know how much I want to do this; how much I want to go to confession, Mass, and then do the consecration. Please let it happen if it's God's will."

Luckily for me, I began to feel better about an hour or two later... just in time for the monthly (low) Latin Mass at the same nearby parish. It was absolutely perfect for me. It was my preferred Mass, with one of my favorite priests.

When I saw that we would be able to make it, after all, I began to get ready ahead of time, just to avoid being late to confession since it's only half an hour before Mass begins. This is when the real adventure began.

Since I hadn't felt well enough earlier in the day (I took a test drive in the morning to be sure), I hadn't been able to get gas for my car... and the needle was dangerously close to that dreaded "empty" symbol. Of course, we left with enough time for me to drive to a gas station along the way... but we didn't think we'd hit a few snags.

First, we had no cash on us. At least, not enough for gas. I tried paying with a pre-paid credit card but it was declined at two different gas stations despite having enough (and then some) for gas. We were scrambling, trying to get to a gas station and still make it to confession on time.

I tried a gas station on the street we would take to Mass... and gasoline spilled all over my leg, feet, and ballet flats. It seemed that whoever had used the pump before I did had left some gasoline in it and, as soon as I took it, it spilled all over me. I reeked of gasoline, which made me nauseous. Still no gas... and now we had no additional time to get to the church.

I got into my car, worried about the gasoline smell which was really making me feel sick, and I told my mother, "I don't know if we're going to make it. Not without gas in the car... and not with me feeling as poorly as I'm beginning to feel." Still, there was something in me that told me not to give up.

"Let's see if we, at least, can't get to the parish. I can always call AAA to bring me gasoline if we get stuck somewhere," I said. I started asking Mama Mary and my Guardian Angel to help us -- all the while I was getting very lightheaded from the gasoline.

I kid you not, about a block from the gas station, the smell of gasoline automatically disappeared. I even pulled over just to make sure it wasn't just me going nuts. lol. Nothing smelled, my shoes were somehow completely dry (as was my leg and skirt), and it was as if I'd never had that incident. Interesting.

We somehow managed to get to the parish without any problems despite the needle practically yelling, "You're running on empty, child!"

I was just happy to have gotten there... and on time! We were first in line for the confessional but there were two people who'd arrived before we did so I let them go first. It's only fair, and we were still able to make it into the confessional before Mass began. Score!

A few minutes before Mass began, I started feeling sick again. "Oh no," I said to myself. "It's probably the heat." I stepped outside and drank a bit of Gatorade in case it was a blood sugar issue. I had enough time before I was set to receive the Eucharist so I knew I could. I had also anticipated the possibility of little to no air conditioning in the parish so I took one of those hand fans and used it during Mass.

I felt so dizzy and lightheaded and, well, shaky, on the walk down the aisle to the kneelers to receive the Eucharist. I was so worried that I was going to faint waiting in line but, luckily, nothing happened. I received the Eucharist (I might've also cried, lol) and thanked God for the blessing of being able to attend confession and Mass despite the obstacles. Not only that, I was so happy I was able to attend a Latin Mass.

After Mass ended, I sat in the back and did my consecration. I was on cloud 9... and I'd totally forgotten about the lack of gasoline in my car. lol. Somehow, we were able to make it to the grocery store we frequent (for food and for cash) and then I was able to get some much-needed gasoline. I don't know how other than Mama Mary and my Guardian Angel looking out for us. It was dark by this time, too, which I'm not too keen with. I don't like driving at night because people tend to drive more erratically out here between the hours of about 6 p.m. to 6 a.m.

Looking back at it, it was the perfect day. Beyond the Mass and everything (which was the cherry on top of a great day), I stopped trying to rely on what I could do to make sure I could get myself to Mass and asked Mama Mary for help. I began to use that complete trust in her that I'd been cultivating over the past 33 days. Basically, I put my money where my mouth was. Did I truly trust Mama Mary to come through for me when I most needed her? I had to show it... and I did.

It's been a little over a week since my consecration and I've already begun noticing some changes in me. I had been told that there would be but I never anticipated it being as noticeable as it's been. I'm so grateful for the changes I've already made... and the shortcomings I've become all too aware of.

There is a lot I need to work on. I've already taken the steps to make sure I can reverse some of the terrible habits. I still slip up, of course, but it's a new beginning and I look forward to seeing what else Mama Mary has in store for me; to see how she will help me grow in my relationship with her son.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have so much I want to share -- I've had an interesting last couple of days -- but I also have a lot of things to do offline so I should get to them. I'll try to blog as much as I can this week, especially since I'm on a social media fast until Sunday. :)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When the Obstacles Seem Insurmountable...

Lately, my life has been one long journey through a dark, stormy abyss. Think of Atreyu's journey in The Neverending Story. Instead of letting the Swamp of Sadness swallow me whole (R.I.P. Artax the horse), I've been doing what I can to keep myself afloat but it hasn't been easy.

As your regular blog readers know, it's been a hard time for my family. Between financial difficulties and a number of other problems (across the board; not just limited to Mom and me), it's been a long string of stresses.

I'm the one who keeps the household budget (I'm good with numbers and puzzles/conundrums) so I know the most about how bad our situation is. I try to cut out unnecessary expenses and try to figure out where we can save and where we simply cannot skimp. With random things popping up (e.g. unexpected car repairs), I'm constantly trying to figure out where we can come up with the money and what needs to wait until next month. It's a gigantic headache (sometimes literal) that I deal with at least twice a week.

Having no car has meant no confession or Mass. The nearest parish doesn't have Saturday confession and -- when it does offer confession -- it's too late in the day to safely walk to and from it so that makes going to confession hard as well. I hope to get my car back later today... and that the financial strain isn't too bad. We had to put off getting it repaired for a month (I've basically been stuck at home since mid-April) because we simply had no spare money that wasn't put aside for necessities. I got it towed to our mechanic's garage on Tuesday and I'm expecting a call at some point today to let me know the extent of the damage to our meager monthly savings. Please say a prayer it doesn't go over the halfway point of the triple digits because we won't be able to afford that.

Sometimes I wonder how on earth I'm going to make it through x, y, z (because things happen in multiples, not one at a time) with my sanity intact. Worries on top of worries on top of worries. It's like an endless cycle with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes all of these things also affect my spiritual life. If I'm not careful, the devil knows exactly how and when to attack. Not having been able to go to Mass and confession has only added to the hardships. I don't know why but I have a feeling that going to confession and receiving the Eucharist will somehow help. I'm not being superstitious; it's just a gut feeling that I have.

Thankfully, the consecration preparation, holy water, and my prayer life have helped... big time.

Every morning I do the Consecration to Mary prayer ("My queen, my mother, I give myself entirely to thee..."), which was recommended by one of our local FSSP priests when he came over to pray for me the day after my car accident a couple of years ago. Then I read the daily Mass readings, use the reflections sent to my inbox by Bishop Robert Barron and Blessed Is She. Then I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. During my consecration preparation, I've added the daily reflections in the 33 Days to Morning Glory book to this routine.

I also pray a variety of novenas, prayers, and/or the Rosary and the Rosary confraternity prayer throughout the day but, more often than not, I do them at night with my nighttime routine. Again, I use the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary and examine my conscience before I call it a night. If there is something I missed doing in the morning (e.g. consecration preparation or daily Mass readings), I will also do it at this time.

I make use of the holy water we were given by one of our local FSSP priests (when he's been over to the house to bless it for Epiphany) throughout the day. In the morning, before I leave the house (especially if I have to drive), at night... if I feel like I need it, I will use it.

I think I'm so used to my routine -- used to trying to cling to my faith during these times of chaos -- that if I miss something at some point, I feel more vulnerable in a way. Not to the point of superstition, scrupulosity, or anything like that. I just tend to notice any deviation from my routine... and it's this routine that helps remind me that I shouldn't be egocentric.

It's so easy to get caught up in your worries. I've personally found myself being pulled more into my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own hardships. I don't like that I think more about myself and what is going on with me than about others and/or about God... but it's hard. And, okay, I know some of my good friends are currently ready to file a formal protest for having said that -- I've even had priests tell me I'm too hard on myself -- but I truly feel selfish during these times and I don't like it. I think that's why I hold onto my prayer routine very closely; it's a good reminder that whatever I'm going through is not up to me to "fix."

Sometimes these obstacles seem insurmountable. That's when I have to remember that God is ultimately in charge of everything, not me. Never have the words "Jesus, I Trust In You" been uttered as much as they have in this household before. Never has putting my money where my mouth is been as important as it has been in recent weeks/month. Never have I have challenged in every way as I have lately.

1 Peter 5:7-10 has resonated so much as it has during these trials... especially when I was asked to wait to become a Benedictine oblate; to "revisit this in a couple of months to make sure this is what (I) really want." The evil one knows that this is what I most wanted lately and I won't let the small obstacle get and keep me down.

Yes, life is hard. Yes, it feels like the walls are caving in around me. Yes, it oftentimes feels like things will never get better; that this is just what my life is going to be like from now on -- one bad thing after another. Yet, Scripture (and the saints) says otherwise. The only thing I can do is trust that God will get me through it and that He will give me the courage, the strength, and whatever graces are necessary to get through this time.

I don't see an end to all I've been enduring lately but I think about the heavenly reward that awaits if only I would get my act straight and that's enough to keep me going; to keep me fighting against temptations. It's hard. Some days I just feel like laying in bed and sleeping all day. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. Most importantly, I know that God has my back and that's worth everything.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts lately.

I hope you all had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend as well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

2018: Resolutions and Possible Holy Spirit Mic Drop

Happy New Year and feast of the Most Holy Name of Jesus, everyone! :)

How was everyone's NYE/NYD celebrations? I hope it was grand for you all and that you started off the secular year on a positive note. Goodness knows many of us needed a good start after the crazy year that was 2017.

Do any of you have any resolutions for this year? Last year I didn't make any resolutions and I'm glad I didn't because God clearly had so many things in store for me that were going to rock me out of my little comfort zone. I realized that I had to let go of the things I no longer saw as important. I was challenged to grow up in more ways than one. I also joyfully surrendered will own will and plans to follow His... though that only came at the end of the year. However, this year I decided to make three resolutions/goals for myself.

Before I get into the resolutions, I wanted to share with year this sort of Holy Spirit mic drop moment when the following words came up during a discussion on fear and following God's will: "What if God allowed the Crosses in your life because it was the only way you could get relief from the demands of people who wish to make you do their will and not His?"

Mind. Blown. I hadn't thought about it that way but it makes sense. I needed to be uprooted out of what I was comfortable and felt safe in (academia and a very financially stable career path) in order to realize that I wasn't doing things for the right reasons... nor was I doing what I felt was right.

I've been open and honest about that on this blog. I was doing SLP more for the financial stability than for the love of it or the good that could come of it. I was good at working with children. I had the patience needed to work with them. I can actually still go forward and get my SLPA license if I wished to. But at what cost? The stress really did a number on me. Is it worth it? Not to me; no matter how pressured I may feel to continue.

My resolutions for this year are complementary to what I realized at the end of last year: I need to let go and let God take full control. When I say "full control" I mean full control. It doesn't mean I'm going to be passive and wait for things to fall into my lap but I am going to pursue what I feel called to do with the gifts God has given me.

My first resolution: get to Mass more often. As an answer to my prayers for the past 2 years, I will have my chosen parish community only a couple of minutes away from my house instead of a long drive/commute in a very populated/traffic-heavy area. I will be able to easily get to and from this church without having to worry about distance. Bonus: I already have shortcuts to get there since I'm in that general area quite often (again, since I live so close). I don't know who was happier about that news, my mother or I. I also don't know what made us happier: the fact that we're going to have easier access to daily Latin Mass or that we won't have to cringe when Mass begins to feel like a concert. (Mass snob over here, y'all).

My second resolution: to volunteer more. I already have ideas and places to do said volunteer work so we're good there. Also, I want to give to others. I felt like I was too selfish last year so I want to do what I can for others this year. Perhaps it'll even help me get out of my stressed out headspace as well.

My third resolution: to take better care of myself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I need to get my eating and sleeping schedule on track but we're starting to get there in these early days of the year. I'm also already working on lowering my anxiety and stress levels by changing my outlook on life in general and how I react to things that stress and upset me. To make sure I'm on the right path in life (especially in both little v and big V vocations), I've reached out to a priest who I trust for spiritual direction.

What does 2018 have in store for me? I'm not sure. I hope it's somewhat similar to how I celebrated the beginning of the year: talking to a good friend (though online since we're on opposite coasts) about doing God's will, taking care of myself by resting in bed (I was drifting in and out of sleep between 9:35 pm and midnight), and not letting the outside noise (the ball drop, the TV, the superstitions) distract my attention from what was important. I remember getting up and consecrating my year to our Blessed Mother (which partially inspired this tweet about the lovely coincidence of it being her feast day at the same time we had a supermoon/full moon since she's the woman with the moon under her feet). Since I'll be celebrating my 33rd birthday (my "Jesus year") this upcoming May, it seems fitting that I focus more on my faith than the outside noise.

Those are my own goals and resolutions. I think (and hope) I'll be able to accomplish them. They may occasionally be challenging but what that is worthwhile isn't occasionally a little hard to achieve? What are some of your resolutions? How can I help you achieve your own goals and resolutions?

I hope you are all having a lovely start to the year! May your 2018 be one of your best years yet!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Taking a Dating Break... While Single

The past two weeks have been a bit odd. My "letter" to Catholic writers (and, really, to Catholics on social media in general) was not well received... and that was before the whole dancing priest controversy and Catholic Twitter stepping up the fights on that platform. I'm not going to comment on that because it's been discussed (or argued... strongly) by almost everyone. I'm just going to sip my tea and stand by what I've said, both on the blog and on Twitter. Instead, I'm going to post a sort of (unintentional) part two to my last post on thoughts regarding my vocation.

As I posted in the previous post, my private life has been a doozy lately. The last 7 months have been the hardest (in this department) in my adult life thus far. From confusing feelings about one person who unintentionally pulled me away from God and all that I know is good and true to dealing with new revelations about my vocation that have caused me to step outside my comfort zone, there hasn't been a dull moment for me.

If I told you that the last time I had a serious boyfriend was when I was 17, would you believe me? It's true. I've gone on dates since but nothing serious. I didn't have the time... nor was I in a good place for a while. My late teens and 20s were a busy time for me on all levels. I had to help take care of Dad (who was initially diagnosed with colon cancer shortly after I turned 17). I reverted to the Faith when I was 21. I had to finish my first undergraduate degree while juggling Dad's cancer and my anxiety problems. My father passed away and then I spent a year emotionally numb. I went through a slew of health problems and had to learn how to deal with the severe anxiety and panic attacks that once assailed me. I had to figure out my vocation. I had to learn how to take better care of myself (after neglecting to do so... which resulted in some of my health problems; which, thankfully, have now been taken care of). Just recently, I figured out my career/(small v) vocation and it's now systems go on that as well.

After I went through a sort-of identity crisis that lasted nearly a year (and only just ended in recent weeks), I saw that I've gotten clarity on all areas of my life... especially my (big v) vocation. I've already talked about that in the previous post but what I didn't mention is that once I felt more secure about what my vocation is, I also knew that I had to take a break because I've grown up a lot (spiritually and emotionally) since I last dated someone... and I need to figure out what works and what no longer does.

I'm not starting there though. I'm not going to see what areas I have to focus on when it comes to relationships. No, I'm going to strip that down further and go down to the true source of love -- God. I need to be in a place where I can be okay -- whatever my state in life is -- with only God's love. I wish I could say that I'm there right now but that would be a lie. I still crave that love from another person and I know that I can't jump into that without further cultivating my love for God.

I'm currently too lazy to go back and link all the older posts (I'm writing this on 3 hours of sleep... way early in the morning) but I know I've previously written about the fact that I know that only God's love can fully fulfill me and that gigantic void in my life. I stand by that. I know that is the truth... but my heart has to catch up to my brain in this instance. I'm not relying on feelings to tell me when that moment comes; I will know that I'm ready when I'm able to not be so easily swayed away from God and the Truth.

The recent young man in my life showed me that I'm not ready for a relationship anytime soon because my spiritual life isn't strong enough. My still-anemic spiritual life is just now catching up my physical (I was physically anemic for a couple of years as well) wellness. That's why I'm taking a dating break... and it hasn't been easy because I've had more guys show interest recently. No, this isn't me going "ooh, look, I've still got it; guys still like me..." It's more me saying "the timing is both terrible... and wonderful." Terrible because some have been promising but wonderful because it's been a sort of test for me in which I've had to stop and remind myself that I'm not ready quite yet.

So, what are my plans during this dating break?

• Going to daily Mass. 
• Going to adoration more frequently (recent Notting Hill inspired tweet, anyone?). 
• Taking up Bible study at home since I can't physically attend the meetings at local parishes. Thanks for all the recommendations on Twitter, y'all!
• Reading more books (finishing St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life and starting St. Teresa of Avila's The Interior Castle and The Way of Perfection). 
• Limiting my time on social media... and the internet in general because the negativity out there is harshing my mellow. 
• Focusing on a big test (that will last only a couple of months, God willing) that will further my small-v vocation.
• Continuing to improve my self-care so that I don't get physically sick again.

I'm not going to kick all men away during this time... but I'm also going to make it clear that I'm not in a place in which I can offer more than friendship. (side note: having no current crushes or interests really helps my ability to "friendzone" all males, lol.) God may surprise me and bring a great guy into my life between now and whenever I will be ready to begin dating again, but right now my focus is on my relationship with Him and on my own interior life. 

I cannot build a relationship (or a family) on a faulty foundation. My future fella and I deserve better than that. I cannot possibly help lead anyone to Heaven in my current state. I'm still having trouble getting to Mass as often as I'd like which is the first thing that needs to be worked on. 

Do any of my fellow single folks (women AND men) feel like perhaps they also need to work on your relationship with God? Better question: do some of you know that you need to take a dating break to work on your relationship with God but are reluctant to do so because you don't like being alone? You don't have to tell me, but be honest with yourself. If so, please know that I'll be praying for you. We're all in the same boat, y'all!

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the whole thing. I'm not sure how coherent they will be because, as I said earlier, I'm barely functioning on 3 hours of sleep. I have a theory as to why I've had insomnia the past 2 days but I won't be sure until I do something about it. And, actually, I think I'm finally ready to attempt a nap so I'll stop here.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend! Avoid fighting on social media, get thee to the confessional, attend Mass, and stay holy, my friends. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Odds and Ends: Fatigue and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati

Wow, I was not expecting the feedback I received from the last blog post. Holy smokes (minus "Habemus Papam"), y'all! Not only did I get way more comments than I'm used to on the actual post, but the number of tweets and retweets and private messages surprised me. It looks like it's a widespread problem for many people... and that's incredibly sad to realize. I know people either love or hate The Benedict Option (which I read several weeks ago) but it makes you think about how much different things would be if we all lived in a community that was supportive and spiritually nurturing. Perhaps maybe then so many people -- especially young adults -- wouldn't fall away? *shrugs*

I've apparently (and unintentionally) boarded the struggle bus once again in the past couple of days, making prayer hard for me. I also didn't go to Mass last weekend (the first weekend that I've missed since last month) but not because I didn't want to. I passed out on Saturday from a tremendous fatigue that I've yet to shake off. Then, on Sunday, I had the extreme fatigue (which made me sleep through the alarms in the morning) followed by terrible palpitations and anxiety attacks. No explanation for them; I couldn't figure out a trigger for the anxiety or the fatigue. I'm hoping to go to confession and Mass tonight since Mom works most Sundays and gets home physically done for (she's on her feet all 8 hours). Fingers crossed that the weather (unbearable heat makes me physically sick and not even the car's a/c helps sometimes) and everything else cooperates with me.

The good thing is the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena begins tomorrow. I know I've spoken quite a bit about him in the last couple of posts (and throughout the years, for those who've been following the blog for a while now) and I will continue to do so because he seems to be the one who is consistently interceding for me when I find myself in a spiritual rut/dryness. It's returned in the past two days (the spiritual dryness) but I hope to remedy that with a trip to the confessional and Mass today God willing). I will be scheduling the daily novena prayers for 8 a.m. PST. Each day has different prayers so keep an eye out for them. I've also found that posting the novena prayers on this blog helps those who are normally prone to forget about doing a novena every day. If I post something else between June 25 and July 9th, I will try to do it in the evenings so that the posts are spread out.

Also, a letter to Pope Francis has been written in order to appeal that he canonizes Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati next year at the "Young People, the Faith, and Vocational Discernment" synod. You can watch a video made by Bl. PGF's niece (daughter of his only sister), learn more about the letter or even sign the petition at this website. You don't have to be a "youth" to sign the letter; there's no age restriction. If you've previously done a novena to ask for his intercession and he has answered it, you can also add it to the petition. I'm definitely filling it out. The first time he interceded for me, I was able to graduate with a $2k loan instead of a $80k loan at my alma mater; a massive difference between those two numbers. The last couple of times I've blogged about it (in recent weeks) so you all know the big way he's coming through for me in the past month or so.

And that's it for this "odds and ends" post. I'm going to try to go to confession and Mass and pray that the fatigue (and the lightheadedness that accompanies it) will not make things harder for me, especially in this heat. I really shouldn't be driving right now but I know we won't make it to Mass tomorrow so... we're going to try. Prayers appreciated.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Why Can't I Find My Place in the Church?

I briefly mention this topic in the last post because it's been a major stumbling block on my quest to attend Mass more often to keep myself from becoming apathetic towards the Church. Again, I'm going to add the disclaimer that I may mention people (not by name, of course) but I'm not blaming them.

Since last year, I've been trying to attend more Latin Masses because it's where I feel more connected to God and more at peace. I'm fairly positive that if I counted, I'll see that I've been to more Extraordinary Form Masses than Ordinary Form Masses in the past year. I've been veiling (or, at the very least, keeping my head covered with berets and hats) for years. In fact, the last gift my father gave me (not counting the ultimate gift of his return to the Church the day before my 24th birthday) was a veil from Mexico... 8 years ago. I obviously started veiling before that so, you know, I'm not new at this. lol.

I love the reverence of the Latin Mass. I love that we all seem to be more focused on the Holy Sacrifice than in Ordinary Form Masses. I know some people's spiritual lives thrive more with the inclusion of the entire community during OF Masses (i.e. holding hands during the Lord's Prayer and the sign of peace) but it's not for me. I wasn't a fan even when I was a little girl. You can even ask my mom and she'll confirm it for you. I don't like how it seems to disrupt the focus (and purpose) of the Mass and it makes it easier for people to get distracted for the rest of the Mass. I've always loved focusing on what the priest was doing; on how he was celebrating Mass and feeling that I was a part of something greater than myself. This also started way before I even did my First Communion when I was 8. I love the significance of veiling and, on a more practical level, I love that the veil literally blocks all distractions within my peripheral vision and it helps me keep my eyes on the altar.

Latin Mass is the answer to my prayers... except that I still get lost during the Mass. lol. I have yet to buy myself a missal because they're expensive and I have a lot of expenses every week. L.A. is an expensive city to live in and we mostly live paycheck to paycheck so I have to save up for things that are not immediate necessities. I'm guessing that my being fluent in Spanish makes it a little easier to follow along but I still get hopelessly lost at times. Don't get me started on how I botch up Latin because my brain automatically switches to the Spanish pronunciation of letters and words. lol. I'm still getting used to it and I think I simply need to attend more Masses (and have a really, really patient person explain things to me) before I'm completely comfortable going to them.

Now, I'm not saying Ordinary Form Masses are terrible. It's what I grew up attending. I was baptized, made my First Communion, and was confirmed (in that order) in OF Masses. It's familiar and I can follow along because it's in a language I understand (for both English and Spanish Masses). I know many wonderful, holy priests who don't do Extraordinary Form Masses and their homilies are top notch. Still, overall, most OF Masses are not my cup of tea. I've been to some solemn OF Masses but there are always elements of this form that I'm not thrilled with. As I've mentioned, I'm not a fan of the hand-holding or the sign of peace. The music is... well, also not my cup of tea. I'm really sorry, music ministers, but once the guitar, bass, and/or drums get introduced, my focus and concentration are gone because it makes me feel like I'm at a concert or show rather than a Mass. Again, this is just what it seems to me. I know it helps other people but it distracts me more than it helps me personally. Don't even get me started on when they start projecting things on the sides of the altar or the clapping people do during Mass. To quote my beloved Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, "Wherever applause breaks out in the liturgy because of some human achievement, it is a sure sign that the essence of liturgy has totally disappeared and been replaced by a kind of religious entertainment."

During my struggle with spiritual dryness/spiritual attacks, I noticed that I felt like I couldn't (and still can't) find "my place" with the Church... including with Masses. As you could probably deduce from this post, I prefer Latin Masses. However, not being able to follow doesn't help and sometimes I get really self-conscious asking someone for help because, well, I've had a bad experience with people who attend Latin Masses. I've gotten the "ugh, what a stupid question" vibe when questions do get asked and, let's be real, no one wants to feel like a total dunce. I've also gotten the "ugh, you're doing it wrong" vibe when I try to figure things out. Not everyone is like this, of course. I've met some really lovely people within the local Latin Mass community but I've yet to really get to know them well so I don't feel part of it. I obviously feel a greater sense of community at OF Masses. Not counting the judgmental looks when I've received when veiling, people tend to be more welcoming and, in my experience, are easier to get to know. That's one of the things I miss most of our former parish; knowing the people and being able to talk to them before and after Mass. I don't go to Mass to socialize, obviously, but it would be nice to know some of the people and know that you're surrounded by like-minded folks.

I love veiling and the Latin Mass - *gasp* too traditional! I prefer wearing skirts and dresses but I still like the comfort and, as someone who is active and grew up playing sports, like the coverage pants and shorts provide - *gasp* what an immodesty! Some people assume that I'm single because, like many of my Millennial peers, I like my independence and am too career oriented - *gasp* too modern! When they find out I'd prefer to be a stay-at-home mom and homeschool my future kids - *gasp* too traditional and anti-feminist to boot! I'm still single not because I want to be but because it seems to be God's will for me at the moment. It's not get started on my taste in music and films because it gets worse; I'm either too traditional/too much of a prude or too modern/liberal for that, too!

My point in all of this is that, despite the advantages and disadvantages of both, I feel like I haven't found my place in the Church. When you add the fact that I'm a single 32-year-old young woman with zero prospects (despite feeling calling to marriage) and that there seems to be no solid support system for us over-25 singles within either community, I feel like I'm on the outskirts of the Church. Why isn't there something for us singles who are in this stage of life because it's clearly not our time yet and not because we've actively chosen it? It would help us to have some sort of support.

I can't win, even though I really don't want to "win" anything. My goal is to get to heaven and help those God have placed in my life do the same thing. As I mentioned in the previous post, I'm very much a people person and feeling like I can't find a community to which I belong makes me feel dejected and, in turn, it makes it harder for me to nourish my spiritual life. Yes, I'm still very much an introvert but I'm also a social being (hence my saying that I'm a social introvert; it's an actual thing if you want to Google it if you don't believe me). I guess I just need to find that happy medium -- preferably a community that likes attending Latin Masses but won't judge me for occasionally wearing pants and shorts, liking the things I do, and that would be to pray for me (and other over-25 singles) as I wait for the next phase of my life to begin. Does such a community exist?

This post was just scratching the surface. There are so many layers that I didn't get into because we would be here all day. Again, I'm not blaming people for my feeling like I'm on the fringes of the Church and like I can't find a solid community in which I can feel like I belong. It's just my own thing that I have to work through this summer. It hasn't helped that I've spent the last 5 years (or longer if you count the years in which my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't leave the house) sick and that it's made it harder for me to try to socialize or get to Masses that don't make me cringe. We also don't live in a great neighborhood so I try to be home before it gets too dark and most of the socializing events happen late, especially after the 7 p.m. Latin Mass on Sundays. If there was a Latin Mass that both Mom and I could attend on Sundays that wasn't so late, it would be easier and perhaps I could find more likeminded people. Before you locals suggest it, no, we can't make it to the 10 a.m. Mass at St. Felipe or the noon Mass at St. Therese because Mom works on Sundays until after both Masses are over and all other Masses are too far for me to drive (I don't ever drive on the freeways).

If you're feeling particularly charitable today, please feel free to donate to the FSSP LA building fund so that they can get their parish quicker and more Latin Masses can be offered throughout the day. People like me, with limited transportation and other options, that love Latin Masses would appreciate it. The priests are fantastic and I have a feeling they'll help establish a great community that is very much needed in L.A.

Alright, that's it for now. It's already 97 degrees at 25 minutes to 1 p.m. and my hands and feet are already suffering from being in hottest part of our apartment (my home office is west-facing with no shade from anything). I hope those of you who will be in cities/towns over 85 degrees stay cool!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

 

Why I (Nearly) Left the Church Recently

My Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati Rosary bracelet.

This is something I'd been holding back on for weeks (that, probably, no one other than 2 people know about) but I think is now the right time to share: there was a point, last month, where I came very close to becoming completely apathetic towards the Church... or, at least, I felt like I was going to leave it. In fact, I was scared that I wouldn't be strong enough to resist the idea of leaving. Before I go into details, I'm going to say I am not blaming any people I will mention in this post. Yes, I'm hurt and it didn't help the situation but I do not blame them for nearly causing the apathy.

This past Lent was rough for me. I got sick (a bad cold after being subjected to freezing -- for L.A. standards -- temperatures in light layers). I accidentally had dairy when I went to Mexico and I spent the next month being physically debilitated because of it. I dealt with the last of the problems I had due to the anemia and everything else. I was racially profiled for the first time in my life. My spiritual life took a big hit, too. I was expecting it as both Advent and Lent are prime times for the enemy to mess with us. However, I wasn't expecting it to hit as intensely as it did.

I was hit with doubt and indecision about almost everything. I felt as if I no longer had any clarity about what God's will was for me and my life. In fact, I had zero plans for my life. I had tanked one of my courses in my SLP program which led to the decision to leave the program and look for a way to pay back my student loans.  I went 4 months without receiving the Eucharist. I tried to go to Mass but obstacles hit me left and right. The anemia and the accidental dairy ingested caused a terrible lightheadedness and physical fatigue that made it impossible for me to safely drive to Mass. Taxi cabs failed to pick me up and take me to Mass without explanation. Last month I experienced three consecutive weekends of what seemed to be physical manifestations of intense spiritual attacks that both holy water blessed this past Epiphany and the medal of St. Benedict helped shorten the effects of, immediately. I won't elaborate more on it beyond that. I will say that it was during those intense three weeks that the apathy threatened to take hold.

During that time, what my former spiritual director said to me (twice!) kept replaying in my mind: that there was no point in me being a Catholic because I stunk at being one. Well, that's what I interpreted. His actual words during our last spiritual direction meeting (in which he kicked me out of his office) were "what's the point?" (in my being Catholic). Direct quote; I wouldn't dare attribute false words to anyone, much less a priest. What was the point of me being a Catholic if I didn't attend Mass regularly? What was the point of me being Catholic if I struggled to concentrate during my time in prayer? What was the point in my being Catholic? These words swirled around in my mind when I tried praying, especially when it was the Rosary or the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I would want to quit praying, wanting to give up, but I powered through the rest of the prayers (with a little help from holy water).

As I've mentioned in the past, I joined a young adult group late last year but I haven't been to many meetings/get-togethers this year. Mostly, it's been because I've been physically unable to. There were also meetings I wasn't told about (that I had no idea were even going on) so I didn't go because I had no idea. They've been nice people... but I've also not felt welcomed. I feel absolutely horrible for saying that (and I promise I'll get to the point of sharing this soon) but it's true. As much as I like the group of people, I feel like I'm excluded from what they do. It's understandable; they've been more active in parish activities (the majority being part of the choir) and they see each other more but it still stinks to feel left out. The kicker was when I contacted one of the members and suggested that we try to help set-up a more frequent carpooling system to outings in which they charged for parking... and a suggestion she, herself, had pitched to the group for that specific outing. She told me to work it out myself because she was too busy to help me for a different Mass event I wasn't even talking about. I felt the heat rush to my face and my ears when I read her response. It had been her idea; I only suggested perhaps setting up something so that the carpooling could begin before the outing (it was going to start at Mass and then end up at a different location) since some of us (I'm not the only one) have transportation issues sometimes. I've seen people (in the group and from the parish in general) ask for rides, so it was a suggestion to help them out. I had a way to get to get to Mass and the outing; it wasn't even for me. Needless to say, between that response, another group member publicly embarrassing me for something I'd say in all seriousness at the last big (read: crowded) meeting I attended and feeling like I wasn't welcomed... I decided to no longer attend group meetings.

All of these things -- what my former spiritual director had said and my experience with the members of the young adult group -- and my inability to go to Mass all contributed to me feeling and thinking that perhaps my former spiritual director was right and that me praying, doing my best (and failing spectacularly when I began doubting myself, especially when it came to my ability to go to Mass regularly), and not finding my place in the Church meant I should throw in the towel. I had these strong thoughts and feelings for almost the entirety of May. Add me feeling as if I didn't know what I was going to do with my life and everything else I mentioned... I was in a bad place.

On a whim (I don't remember if it was inspired by a dream I had that featured him or if he just kept popping up in my mind), I decided to start a Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena on May 1st. I mentioned it to Mom and she also, quite suddenly and without giving it much thought, said she would pray it along with me. I got the novena prayers in Spanish from the Frassati Argentina group for Mom and we prayed for the same things: clarity about my career/vocation (small v) and my health. The spiritual attacks (or what I think were attacks) got worse when I did the novena... but I didn't stop. Though the thoughts persisted that I should leave, remembering Bl. PGF's life story kept me from pulling away. I use to remember his ardent love for the Church. I also remembered how both St. Therese of Lisieux and St. Teresa of Calcutta (Mother Teresa) had moments in which they felt God had abandoned them as well so I kept going. I think I only missed praying the Rosary once and that's because I fell asleep because I felt unwell. Other than that, I don't think I missed either morning or nighttime prayers. Bl. PGF remained in my thoughts (and my heart) as my birthday approached. Whenever I felt like giving up, I would remember him and I tried to fight through the apathy and disappointment.

As silly as it sounds, the moment that I feel was the turning point was when I received my lab results at my second hematologist appointment. To know that my prayers had been answered reduced me to a puddle of tears and gratitude at the hospital (where my hematology appointments occur). I had been slowly gaining weight in the past year but I didn't break past the 124-125 mark (I'm usually between 125 and 128 lbs) and it would occasionally dip back down... until I did the novena. My weight, as I mentioned before, has remained steady and is back to where it was prior to my health issues starting 5 years ago. It took years to get down to the source of my health problems (sans those that are causing low platelets). It was the moment where I went "I suffered through so much... but I can see that God didn't abandon me. He heard my prayers despite my not going to Mass and my failure... and Bl. PGF came through for me in a big way." A day or two after receiving the wonderful news that I was healthier than I had been in years, the rest of my prayers (that were part of my novena to Bl. PGF) were answered.

The weekend before my birthday I returned to confession and Mass for the first time in 2 months. I have not failed to go to either confession or Mass since. On my birthday I got word on something (career related) that I'd been praying about, literally within 5 minutes of my waking up. (side note: totally counting that as a birthday gift from God, lol). I now have a clear(er) path that I will be taking starting this autumn when the next phase begins. I also got inspiration for my third novel, which was scrapped and started over again for the third time but which has stuck. (second side note: I'm glad I started over; this new idea is so much better than the first two I had.)

I feel like myself again. I feel that great love I have towards the Church though I've still struggled with certain things like overindulgence and temptations in recent weeks. As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, my new confessor suggested focusing on my spiritual life this summer which I've been doing. I want to get into my problem with my experience with Ordinary Form Masses vs Latin Masses (and the communities for both) but I'll save that for the next post. Let's just say that I had a big eye-opener regarding this and it's what I'll be working through this summer. For now, I'm just trying to keep my confession and Mass attendance more regular, I want to figure out what I could do to help my concentration problem during prayer time, and I want to kick the bad habits I developed/that returned while I went months without attending Mass. Baby steps... but happy that I didn't leave the Church and grateful for the intercession Bl. PGF helped with.

I bought myself a Rosary bracelet with a medal of Bl. PGF to wear and use (to pray until I get myself the complete Rosary) for my birthday as a reminder of why I'm a big Frassati fangirl. That's what this post's picture is of; the Rosary bracelet. It's already helped me focus when praying the Rosary despite being like twice my width of my wrist, lol.

And before any of you say anything: yes, I know that feelings can trip us up and that we shouldn't pay attention. I also know that even in our darkest moments, God is always there for us. I kept reminding myself of that when I was struggling... but it didn't always help. Sometimes your mind can play tricks on you, just like your heart can. The devil knows how to best kick us when we're already down. Don't you think he knows that the easiest way to get me down is to make me feel unloved and rejected? Hi, I'm an INFP and phlegmatic-sanguine over here; I'm a people person despite being an introvert. I say I'm a social introvert for that very reason -- I like people. Making me feel like I'm rejected by people I admired -- my spiritual director and members of the group which I so wanted to be a part of? He knew how to get to me... but God is greater than him and God knows that my stubbornness (when used for good), my optimism (which did waver for a while), and tenacity are some of my best strengths. He knew that Bl. PGF was the best way to pull me out of that abyss of spiritual dryness and doubt.

I'm sure there were countless prayers that I don't know about, which helped me get through all of this. To those who prayed for me during this time, I want to say a massive "Thank you!" To those who I personally know are struggling through the same thing or something similar, please know I add you into my prayers specifically by (full) name because I understand how difficult going through this is. If you're going through doubts about the Church or anything of the sort, please don't be afraid to talk to someone... or even ask others for prayers. I volunteer to pray and fast for you; just let me know privately. I don't want anyone to go through this... or worse.

Anyway, this -- sharing what happened to me -- had been on my heart since last night and I'm grateful to be able to share it with you. I'm not fully out of the danger area (are any of us?) but I'm in a much, much better place than I was last month. Bl. PGF's feast day is coming up early next month so I'll be reposting the novena prayers (they differ daily) every day on this blog later this month leading up to his feast day (July 4th). I didn't think it was possible but I've become a bigger fan of his (and my mother is a (new) massive fan now that she saw the big changes since we did the novena) and I'm full of gratitude for his intercession. As he would say, "verso l'alto!" ("towards the heights!")

It's getting hot in my home office (it's already in the low 90s and it's only 12:25 p.m.) so I'm going to end this blog post and go migrate to another part of the apartment before I have to go pick up Mom from work.

I hope you're all having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!