Palpitations and Pains in Church; Golden Crucifix Dream.

Man, I've had one doozy of a weekend. When I went to confessions yesterday, my heart kept beating as though it was going to jump out of my chest. It calmed down when I confessed but when I went to kneel in front of the tabernacle, it started right up again. I was trying to say the Act of Contrition and then say the amount of prayers Fr. Juan had given me but I just couldn't concentrate. My heart was beating with so much force that the St. Jude medallion (which I wear on a chain) was actually bouncing off my shirt. That's never happened and it was quite scary. I closed my eyes and said "Lord, if this is the work of the enemy trying to keep me from praying, please help me." I managed to calm down and concentrated after that.

Today, I went to Mass by myself (mom's battling a painful toothache and dad simply didn't "feel like going"). I was fine until I started getting these chest pains over my heart. I ignored the first one but when the second and third came I worried and left Mass. They were about to start with the Eucharist too. :( I was seriously scared because the pains burned. I only got about 5 pains before it stopped though. Still, I got home and I cried. After the ordeal I went through last year, I've remained very nervous about my heart. I think (and hope) it was maybe some heartburn or something. I'd eaten some hot (chili) chicken in the morning and then took a nap an hour and a half later. I woke up with my stomach all acid-y so I think that that's what triggered the burning chest pains. I haven't had any pains since, thank goodness. To be honest, I think I cried mostly because I left Mass early. I was scared about the pains but didn't get a panic attack or anything like that. Hopefully I won't get a repeat of it again.

I don't know what's going on but I think I'm definitely in for a fight. I haven't been praying as much as I used to -- either I run out of time or forget. I didn't go to Mass for two weekends (I was sick in bed the first week and had that midterm last Sunday) and confession for 3 weeks. That was also a first. I usually go to confession once a week... or at least once every 2 weeks. It's been that way for nearly 2 years now. I had to leave Mass early the last time I went, and again today. My parents have started refusing to go to Church with me. Oh, I'm definitely in for a battle but I'm not going to give up on these things! At least I'm still having my wonderful dreams.

A few nights ago I had this dream that I was left at the altar, in my wedding dress, by someone I cared about in real life a while ago. Anyway, I was really upset in the dream and then I found this golden crucifix. It somehow appeared in my hand, wrapped in a silk handkerchief. I was so happy to see it that I kissed it because I knew that it was a sign of comfort... and then woke up. I told a friend of mine about this and he said, "Well, maybe the golden Crucifix means that Jesus is always there. Gold is precious, so even though things go to custard, as you could say, Jesus is still there. So Jesus is your treasure." I think he's right. Lately I've been feeling just horrible at home and the lack of communications between my friends and I is starting to take its toll on me. I think that I just have to remember that I'll always have the love of God, and our beautiful Blessed Mother; especially when I don't feel it from anyone else. The dream was definitely a reminder of that... and that's such a comforting thought to have. :D I hope everyone remembers that when they're feeling down.

Alright, well, I have to work on some schoolwork. Yeah, it's a never-ending cycle of critical analysis and research papers. lol. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Heart Monitor; Religion in Beowulf and Literature; Novel Playlist.

As I type this out, I am on hour 2 of wearing a 24-hour heart monitor. They want to make sure the palpitations I've been having, as well as the shortness of breath, is due to my stress and anxiety levels and not my heart. I already had an echo-cardiogram done last *thinks* November and my heart is completely healthy but they want to rule everything out. I would've been very nervous a few months ago but, with all the tests they've done for various things, I'm used to it. The only thing is that this little monitor is a pain in the tush. lol. It hangs around my neck and it weighs me down a bit... not to mention all the electric wires taped on me. It's also annoying because I can't sit or do many normal movements. I feel stiff, ick. But it's all for the best (and only a little under 22 more hours, WHOO!) so I'll suck it up. lol.

Of course, the day that I had this thing put on is the day I had problems with an academic counselor and the financial aid office. Hey, it's not my fault they don't know what they're doing. To try to put the blame on me for things they messed up IS messed up. As I said a few entries ago, I knew I would have problems with the financial aid department but I never thought they'd make me shed tears. I'm a sensitive person so the way I got treated (honestly, I felt an inch tall -- and I have NO FAULT in the matter) just opened the water works. Can I start my transfer applications yet? lol. (ed.: I have to wait until next month to begin those.)

I am going to try to finish this blog so I can work on my critical analysis of Beowulf that is due tomorrow morning. I chose to dissect it from a religious prospective (makes sense, as a Religious Studies major, right?). I never noticed how many religious symbols were in Literature. I honestly didn't notice it until my Brit Lit professor pointed it out. Just looking at Beowulf, he (Beowulf) represents all that is good and holy, Grendel symbolizes all that is evil, and the materialism can be seen as avarice (greed) which is a sin. It's all really interesting. If anyone is (or will, in the future) do anything like this for a Lit class, please feel free to ask me questions or compare notes. I have a pretty good idea of what I want to write and which examples I'll be using, I just have to finish Beowulf. Hey, haven't I been saying that for the past couple of blogs? lol. Well, I can't help if I am not a big fan of it thus making it harder for me to finish reading it. lol.

Alright, well, before I conclude this blog (wow, that sounded so formal), I want to give you guys something fun. Well, I think it's fun. lol. I decided to upload some songs (and more to come throughout the day) that have either inspired scenes in my novel/screenplay or are mentioned in it (there's quite a lot of music in it). Since I didn't write it in order, the songs are not in order. Just a few clues: it's a dramedy (dramatic comedy), the story is seen from both the male and female protagonists points of view, and it takes place in 3 different countries (the U.S., a British country, and a Spanish-speaking country). The more alternative/rock songs were mainly used when working on the male protagonist; the jazz/swing/pop were mostly for the female protagonist with a few songs used for both or for certain scenes. That's all I'm saying. :D

Oh, and side note: The Donna's "Fall Behind Me" has a word that some of you might be uncomfortable hearing. You may want to skip over it. It's not a bad, bad word; it's another word for "mess" up and it's also the name of something you need a screwdriver to put into place. You've been warned.

The playlist will be on the right hand side so you can always come back and listen to it or see what I've added.

That's it for now. I have a lot of work to do so... as always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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