7 Quick Takes Vol. 5

Since I didn't get a chance to do a What I Learned Wednesday Post (though I did prepare; not enough time to write it), you're getting a 7 Quick Takes posts this week.

-- 1 --

As soon as I realized that I had less than a year to catch up on my reading (I have a feeling I won't be doing much non-school related reading in grad school), I started trying to play catch up. I finished North & South by Elizabeth Gaskell this week but I cannot finish Saints in Love by Carole Hallundbaek (which I can't find a link to? Is it out of print?). This was actually the topic of my WILW post this week. I'm going to post it next week because I need to sort of review it and I did learn a lot from it. There are just some things I find unnecessary. I read part of it to my friend Delaney when she came to stay with me for a couple of days earlier this month and she agreed that it was just awkward and there was absolutely no need for it. Let's see if some of you agree next week.

-- 2 -- 

I cannot believe the amount of feedback I received from my The Fear of Not Being Holy; Having a Secular Job post. I not only received a surprising amount of hits from various sources but I received the most comments outside of Blogger (mostly private Twitter messages) ever. It seems that there are several of us 20-somethings that are in the same boat with the similar thoughts and feelings. While I cannot say I'm an expert on the subject and thus cannot give advice, I am always here to hear y'all out. And, for the record, I have reached a decision but I'm going to talk to my spiritual director next week before I go forward.

-- 3 --

You know the freaky saint and good vs evil dreams I usually have (go ahead and search "dreams" on this blog)? I had one a couple of days ago that involved Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, the Evil One, the Blessed Virgin Mary, a ton of holy water, something burning, and the singing of "Ave Maria." Without going into detail, let's just say that the Evil One was laughing and happy about something and then Mama Mary came and got rid of him. At the end I was holding a candle and singing "Ave Maria." It was kind of trippy and I woke up a little freaked out.

-- 4 -- 

Something I re-learned about myself this week: man, I've always been a crier... and that will never go away. lol. I know that some people view tears as a sign of weakness but I don't. It just reminds me that I care about people in general. That simple. At first I was a puddle due to stress and then I was a puddle because seeing people suffer (or seeing them cry out of sheer joy) makes me cry. I don't even know these people but my heart goes out to them.

-- 5 -- 

I hate how horrible MSM is. I'm glad I took that intro to Journalism class my freshman year of college so I could be better prepared and not to be completely uncharitable. Still, I was so irked by the spinning they did yesterday that I tweeted this in frustration.

Days like today make me want to get my MA in Theology and bop little shoddy-foo foo reporters on the head.
— Emmy Cecilia (@nerdwriter) September 20, 2013

I think that says it all.

-- 6 -- 

The St. Therese of Lisieux novena begins on Sunday. I am grateful for the roses she sent me (blue; yes, I picked a random color) recently because it helped me with my decision about grad school. She's been my buddy for years now and I am so grateful for all her help. I don't have a specific intention for myself so if you have something you'd like me to pray for, let me know!

-- 7 -- 

Watch this video. This is a great reminder of why it's best to get to know someone before you write them off due to their appearances... or vice versa.

And that's it for this round. ;)

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D 

 

What I Learned Wednesday #9

I promise these things will be more faith focused once Lent begins.

1) I'm sure you've all heard about the letter Archbishop Gomez sent out to the Los Angeles Archdiocese regarding Cardinal Mahony and his role in covering up the decades worth of sexual abuse cases. I won't get into it as it would take me a long time (and some rents)... and it'll be nothing that you haven't heard or said yourself. I just want to say three simple things. First, thank goodness we have Archbishop Gomez. When it was announced that he was to take over the archdiocese upon Cardinal Mahony's retirement, I was excited because I knew he would do great things. Though this is a painful thing to have to do (even my parish priest had a hard time getting through the letter when he read it to us at the end of Mass last weekend), I believe he's handling it well. Second, as per his request, I'll be praying for the victims and all involved. I hope you all will too. Third, of course the media is having a field day. I've learned to tune out the MSM because of how warped and anti-Catholic it can be. I hope that people will have enough common sense to actually look at the documents and not judge the Catholic Church harshly (one person who does evil does not represent us all) but we all know that this will only fuel anti-Catholic sentiments. Pray for the Church as a whole because things will only get worse before they get better.

2) I get email updates when some bloggers upload new posts (it's easier for me to get them in my inbox) so I don't miss the good stuff. One of my favorite posts this week was Dr. Taylor Marshall's post on who the first photographed saint was. I always thought it was St. Therese (whose photograph was the first saint photo I myself ever saw) but it seems to be St. Bernadette. I'm a very visual person and I like to focus on an image (such as a crucifix, a painting of a mystery while praying the Rosary, etc) when I read or pray so I really enjoyed the post. I don't know much about a couple of the saints mentioned in the post so it'll be good to learn about them in the next couple of weeks. I'm often (half jokingly) called an encyclopedia for patron saints but I sometimes don't know the saint's actual story so that's a new goal for me. Also, new trivia for my Catholic files. Really, I have a box and files organized with Catholic things. Catholic nerd, party of one right here. lol.

3) And speaking about Catholic geek moments, I realized that I am behind on my reading... well, Catholic book reading. I've been reading Jane Austen novels or books inspired by Jane Austen because I wanted a light break from work (thank goodness freelance writing work hasn't dried up again). During Lent I think I will restrict myself to reading only Catholic books. I have a ton in my "to read" list... just sitting on my bookshelf. Some of those books have been there for years and I still haven't gotten to them. After I finish reading these two last Jane Austen books (since Lent begins next week), I'll start on them. I'll be done with one of them sooner than the other because it's so incredibly condescending and awful. And before you say anything, I finish what I start so I'm finishing this darn book. I'll be in Catholic nerd heaven during Lent (one week to go!) so these #WILW posts will be better then. ;)

Anyway, this was short and pretty straight forward. I almost forgot to write today but I saw Alex wrote his so I was reminded. Thanks, Alex! lol.

I should make myself some dinner (haven't had anything to eat since before I went on my walk earlier today) so... see ya. lol. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

St. Therese of Lisieux, My CINO College Buddy

This is a picture of the St. Therese shirt that I wore throughout the two years I was at the CINO college. I made it (it's one of a kind ;D) because I needed a buddy whenever I had to face the wolves and I always found comfort having her image with me.

If you can't read the quote, it says: "For one pain endured with joy, we shall love the good God more forever." I knew my professors would read it while I gave my reports so... you know. ;) Appropriate, no? ;)

I won't make this blog post too long (I have work to do) but I will say that without her and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, I don't think I would've made it out of the CINO college in one piece. Since it's her feast day today, I thought it would be appropriate to write about how she was there for me.

As most of you know, I had one heck of a bad time at the CINO college... especially during my first year there. I would often go to the chapel to pray either before or in between classes. I would be sad and frustrated and that made me crave some time with God. If I had the time (and the weather wasn't too hot, too rainy, or too cold), I would visit the St. Therese alcove set up near the chapel. The alcove is beautiful and one of my favorite places there. It's a bit rustic but you can see the city of Los Angeles in the background. Breathtaking scenery but heartbreaking problems with the professors caused many tears to be shed there.

I got into the habit of using her sacrifice beads while at that school. Every blasphemy and heresy the professors uttered (which I couldn't contest because either I wasn't given the chance or because I was so upset that I was having an anger induced panic attack) was offered up. On particularly bad days, I would count up to 50+ of them. I'm serious. Each time I would cringe (or cry; yes, I would cry in class on occasion), I remembered how much St. Therese silently suffered and that would give me some comfort.

Anyway, just wanted to share this with y'all. If you need a heavenly buddy when you're in a difficult situation (such as at a school or in a class with anti-Catholic teachings), St. Therese is wonderful. I learned a lot about how to handle those types of situations and my own spirituality grew as well. :D

Happy feast day, St. Therese of Lisieux... and thank you for all the flowers you've sent me during the last two years. :D

Disney, Belle, St. Therese, and Being Childlike.

Yes, I was in the Beast's library on Monday... and yes, I took this picture so if you take it, please give me credit.

I know, I know... I broke the chain. I didn't post yesterday because 1) I decided to clean the house and it took a good chunk of my day and 2) I had a combo anxiety/fatigue day that kept me from doing much. I spent most of the evening/night feeling like I couldn't breathe. THIS is why I like being busy; I am less likely to have anxiety when my mind is occupied with something. Anyway, that's in the past and I still want to write my Disney inspired post... ;)

For the record, no one guessed what the video had to do with today's post. I got responses on the Facebook page and as well as on twitter but no one was able to guess it. Some responses were good... and definitely made me think, but no cigar. Let's talk a little about Beauty and the Beast and one of my heavenly buddies, St. Therese of Lisieux.

Beauty and the Beast has been my favorite Disney animated film since I first watched it. In fact, I was such a fan when it first came out that I dressed up as Belle for Halloween that year. I have always been able to identify with Belle -- she's a bookworm, kind of feisty and independent, being a bit of a loner, wanting to get out of her hometown, willing to sacrifice for her family, etc. When I found out that there was an attraction in California Adventure, which was done to look like the Beast's massive library (my dream library), I knew I had to go in. Inside it looks like a miniature version of the library. You sit in front of one of the many books spread out inside the library and you take a quiz which tells you which Disney character you are most like. Without cheating, I took the quiz and got Belle. I was absolutely giddy... and then it hit me that this was one of the reasons why I like going to Disneyland and California Adventure.

If you've read enough of my blog posts you know that I didn't really have much of a childhood. I've always been an old soul trapped in a young body. Just look at the kind of music, films and clothing that I prefer (from the 1940s into the early 1950s) and that pretty much tells you. My mom likes to tell me stories of how I was as a little girl and I was very precocious. Having helped take care of my dad and having to act grown up from a very young age have made me not have a typical childhood... though I am totally not complaining. I loved the way I grew up, though it was occasionally a lonely one since I grew up with only my parents.

Because I grew up by myself, I had to entertain myself. I drew a lot. I got a library card as soon as I could pick out my own books (which I still have and use to this day). I wrote. A LOT. My best friend growing up, Rudy, gave me notebooks and pens for my birthday up until we was 18 years old and he moved away. He said he always saw me writing and knew how fast I went through notebook so it was the ideal birthday present. He's actually the person who knew I was meant to be a writer before I ever thought about it. My need of entertainment, as well as my constant literary companions, helped nourish my creativity. In this sense, I haven't grown up. When I get into my little literary world, I feel like Peter Pan... only a female version of Peter Pan. I can escape into the world I create and live vicariously through my characters. Of course, I know that it's not real and I don't bring it out into my personal life but I do enjoy feeling like a kid every time I write... and go to Disneyland.

St. Therese of Lisieux inspired me to be childlike (but not a childish) when I look at things, especially when it comes to my faith. (And a quick side note: St. Therese was French like Belle. See? I can connect these things. ;D) I briefly mentioned this in a blog post a few years ago but as I've gotten older, my views have changed. Of course, I still try to talk to God (my favorite place is in front of the Tabernacle when there isn't Adoration) and I am constantly in awe and wonder when I learn something new about my Faith. Whenever I go to new parishes or places that are connected to the Catholic Church (i.e. the California Missions), I feel like a kid in a candy store. That doesn't mean that I am going to pout, rant, and demand that all my prayers be answered like I did when I was younger. I know that we can ask God for something but if it's not His will, He will give me what I need. My earthly dad may no longer be with me but my Father still is and I have no problem going to Him whenever I need a dad in my life... and that is what I was thinking about while I was at Disneyland. I'm serious.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with y'all. :D Again, sorry I didn't write it yesterday but I wasn't feeling well (I was so weak and fatigued that I thought I was going to collapse on the floor while I was cleaning the living room.) Since I broke the chain yesterday it looks like I'm starting the "every day for a week" posting until I actually go through with it. I hope y'all don't mind. ;)

I should try to finish cleaning my room before the evening Mass today; I slept in this morning because my anxiety kept me up late last night. Oh, and I'm feeling better today so please don't worry. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Oh Snap, It's Finally Happened...

Yes, Eleventh Doctor, I'll get to it as soon as I'm done with this post. ;)

A few things have finally happened and it's making me both nervous and excited. 

First: it FINALLY hit me that I'm basically done with my undergrad career. It wasn't until my Harlem Renaissance professor reminded us that this week is our last week of classes (next week is finals week) that it really hit me. I'm done. I'm done? I'm done! Of course I still have finals to do and a couple more assignments that are due this week but I don't have other major things to do. I'm going to miss homework and learning... but not the school. As I'm writing this post, I am simultaneously chatting with friends on Facebook about how unhappy my time at this school has been.

Of course, I don't have to tell y'all that; you've all read more than enough posts about my experience at the CINO school. I will miss some professors (like my Harlem Renaissance and College Algebra professors) who actually believed in and encouraged me. Come to think of it... besides the aforementioned professors and my Western Literature/Norse Mythology professor, I didn't have much support from the others. And to sum up my experience with two current issues: two weeks later and I have NOT heard from my Thesis adviser about any changes to my Thesis before the deadline... and the semester ends next week. Prior to that I tried to contact her for a month and a half but she claimed to have not received any of my emails. Also, my mother attended a school concert with me last week (as it was mandatory and she wanted out of the house for a couple of hours)... and she personally witnessed how poorly I am treated by professors. One of them gave me the stink eye and was overall not nice. At least now I have witnesses to rudeness I experience.

Second: Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Therese of Lisieux, and St. Jude Thaddeus -- just a general shout out to my heavenly buddies who helped me make it through my two year journey at that school. Without their intercessions, I don't think I would've come out relatively sane. I've had friends drop out and/or transfer out because of the mistreatment we receive if we aren't in agreement with their beliefs... which are mostly against Church teachings too. Of course. If this isn't proof that prayer and hard work pays off, I don't know what does.

Third: I just realized that I am finally getting thrown out into "the real world." That is a bit scary, especially being aware of how scarce jobs are. There are a few jobs within the L.A. Archdiocese that I am going to apply for but most of them ask for either a Master's degree or extra experience which I don't have. However, I am a fast learner and I am passionate about my faith so I'm sure that God will open the right door for me. My biggest anxiety inducer is the uncertainty of it all. I don't know how soon I'll be able to start working or if I'll have to look elsewhere. And, of course I will be going for my Master's degree in a year but still it's completely odd for me not to be in school taking at least one class.

Fourth: (my, I do love making lists, don't I? lol) Despite all my venting, I have come to the conclusion that I am grateful for everything that's happened. Yes, I'm even grateful for all the humiliation, crying, and panic attacks I experienced this semester from my music professors. I truly believe that every negative thing is a character builder and thus I am glad that I experienced them. I feel like I'm coming out of this experience a lot more confident than when I went in. I also feel stronger in my faith and beliefs. The passion I felt about sharing my faith with younger members of this generation (children to those starting college) had gone out for a while shortly after my father died but it has reignited... and Lord help the person who dares talk smack about my beloved God, Pope Benedict XVI or Roman Catholic Church because I have no qualms about sticking up for any of them.

Anyway, just wanted to write all of this out before I get busy with schoolwork. I have a chance to get all but one of my finals completed by Sunday of this week so I am going to definitely attempt to do it. :D OH! And if any of you have prayer intentions, let me know so I can offer up the next two weeks for them. Doesn't matter what the prayer intention is nor do you have to tell me what it is, just let me know that you have one and I'll write it down in my notebook so that I can get everyone's intentions in. :D

And since it is Monday here's a song that I wanted to share. It's called "Pray about Everything" by Luke Bryan. Yes, it's a country song. Raise your hand if you did not see that coming. lol.

 

Alright, I'm off to do homework. I hope y'all have a great week!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

 

I'm Thankful For...

I'm a day late on this but it's better late than never. :) So, lack of posts is (once again) due to homework and then I lost my wifi and internet connection for a day but I'm back on and here to update y'all. By the way, I am doing this instead of my first final (haha, oops) so I'm going to try to finish it rather quickly. :)

I decided to write one thing I'm thankful for according to how old I am. So, since I am 26 years old, I am posting 26 things I'm grateful for. It wasn't easy but it was a good challenge. Got it? Okay; let's begin. :)

I'm thankful for:
1) God's love, mercy, and grace. Without it where would I (or, really, anyone) be?
2) The Eucharist. Do I really need to explain this one? :D
3) The Church. The longer I'm at my CINO college, the more I fall in love with the Church, her people and our Faith.
4) My Family. It's a given. ;)
5) My Friends. The majority of my friends are like adoptive brothers and sisters and I'm grateful for every one of them.
6) My Health. While I did spend 2.5 months with a horrible throat infection this summer and I've had three bad anxiety attacks this year, I've been so much healthier than I have in the last 5 years.
7) That I'm almost done at the CINO college. I'm a little over 5 months away from the graduation date. While I'm still trying to get my thesis proposal approved (more on that soon), I am that much closer to getting out.
8) Our New Archbishop. Not to be rude or rag on Cardinal Mahony but the L.A. Archdiocese desperately needed someone like Abp. Gomez to come in. I'm excited to see what the future will bring.
9) For music. Music's always been a big part of my life but this year it's been one of the things that's helped me get through some of the more stressful moments of my life.
10) To be living in the country I'm in. Yes, I have some issues with a few things here and I often say I want to move to Canada or Ireland but, let's be honest, we are better off than those living in countries such as Africa where there is a lot of starvation and other war-torn countries.
11) This kind of goes back to family but, the sacrifice my parents have made for me. My mom is my rock and she gave up a lot of luxuries so that I could grow up as well as I have. Dad also sacrificed a lot for me when he was alive.
12) This one also goes back to friends but my girl friends who keep me strong. Some of my best friends (Angelica, Delaney, and Danica are amongst them) recently helped me get through something difficult in which I needed a lot of support from friends and I am so incredibly grateful that they were there for me.
13) The Wonderful #CathSorority gals that I've come to know in the last couple of months. Coming from a place in which faithful Catholic women are almost nonexistent or too far to see on a regular basis, it's nice that we have this support system online.
14) Twitter and Facebook Friends. Yes, I really did go there. When any of us need prayers, these are the people who (whether we know each other in person or not) will always have your back with prayers. When my father passed away two years ago, I had so many strangers tweeting me with condolences and prayers. It was an amazing feeling.
15) People like Patrick Madrid and another (currently unable to talk about) person/publication who've given this girl a chance to write and get published. Sometimes you need a person to believe in your dream (mine is to be a writer) to give you the confidence to go ahead and pursue it.
16) Patron Saints. Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati keeps popping up every where I go. St. Therese of Lisieux kept me focused this Lent. St. Jude's coming through for many friends. Hooray for patron saints who don't let you down!
17) Catholic New Media. Hello Thesis paper topic that has been approved but yet not entirely approved. In all seriousness, if it wasn't for it, I would've felt alone during my reversion to the Faith five years ago. I wouldn't have met the people I have nor would I have learned as much as I have.
18) Friends at CINO college. We are the minority but there are two or three fellow classmates/friends who are in the same "Get me out of this CINO college!" boat. It's nice to have that kind of support in that kind of environment.
19) Lent and Advent. Okay, I'm running out of things (that are said in all seriousness) so this is kind of cheating but these are some of my favorite times of year. I am forced to look at myself and make some necessary changes. Both have helped me get more serious about my Faith.
20) Spiritual Advisers. I spent 2 years without one because my last one, Fr. Leo, passed away two years ago this month but I have a new one and he is seriously the best. I've gotten back on track thanks to him.
21) The Rosary and the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy. It reminds me of a shirt I once said that I had a picture of a Rosary and said "Have you called your Mother lately?" I can't think of two better devotions to help you remember what really matters in life when things are so crazy you feel overwhelmed.
22) My New Parish. Mom and I found a new place to attend Mass which is more to our liking. I'm sorry if this sounds snobby but I don't like the clapping and the dancing during Mass. It's simply not my cup of tea. Our new parish has an organist, women wear mantillas, and we have altar boys (well, young men). I'm not a "trad" but I do like the Latin Mass and this is the closest thing we get every Sunday.
23) Having a paycheck coming into the house. Although my mom is currently the only one working since I haven't gotten any job I've applied for (and thus we've had to cut a lot of things out we'd become accustomed to), I am grateful that there is at least some income coming in. Yes, our belts are tight, I can no longer travel as often as I wish, and we are living paycheck to paycheck but it could be worse. I know God will always provide for us.
24) Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati's Financial Intercession. When I first started at the CINO college, I asked Bl. Pier Giorgio for his intercession since tuition is over $31K a year and I didn't want to go into debt with student loans. I'm going to graduate with only $2K in loans thanks to my generous Cal Grant (which I had to fight for earlier this year) and a massive grant given to me by the CINO college.
25) Vegan foods. Go ahead and laugh but with my dairy and egg allergies, I was losing a lot of important nutrients. With my discover of more ingredients I can use to substitute dairy and eggs and still get the calcium and protein I need, I've been able to stay healthier longer.
26) Basically, everything... good and bad. I wouldn't have grown or come to appreciate all of these things if I hadn't gone through the good AND the bad. It makes my life experience that much richer.

Okay, that took longer than I anticipated but I don't often publicly express what I'm thankful for so it's okay. And now I've realized that I'm running late to pick up my mom from work so I gotta run.

I hope y'all had a great Thanksgiving Day. Remember that it's more about what the day symbolizes than how many amazing savings you can get.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Happy St. Therese of Lisieux Feast Day!

Since it's St. Therese's feast day today, and I'm a big fan of having fresh flowers in my room, I decided to buy some roses... and these are them. (side note: I got the framed picture of St. Therese from a Carmelite nun too but that was a while back. :D)

Well, as the title says, Happy St. Therese feast day! She's one of my favorite saints, one of my heavenly buddies, and this blog's patron saint for the year so y'all know I had to do something extra special this year. :D

I've learned a lot from St. Therese this past year -- a lot. I feel like she's taught me how to better my relationship not just with God but with friends and those who are part of my life. I carry around a set of sacrifice beads wherever I go and through the little sacrifices I make throughout the day (and especially at school) I've learned how to be more patient as well as how to let the smaller things go. Earlier this year I read Lenten Journey with Jesus Christ and St. Therese of Lisieux by Fr. John F. Russell, O.Carm and it definitely enriched my experience during Lent. I've done several novenas for my friends as well as myself and she's never failed to show us one of her many roses. In fact, I am currently doing a novena (which I had to restart because I fell asleep on the second day; I'm two days behind everyone who is doing it) and I have faith that she will share one of her roses with me. It's a pretty big decision I've been going back and forth on for a couple of months now (actually, for the past year as of this month) so, we'll see. :)

I wish I could write this beautiful, eloquent post about St. Therese but I am sadly short on time. I have my first midterm this weekend (due tomorrow but I am trying to get it done tonight) and the rest are next week so I am swamped with coursework. I have a total of 641 pages left to read before my last midterm next Thursday. Yes, I counted. I need to do at least 140 pages by tomorrow night. Oh yeah, that crazy. I also have projects, discussion posts, quizzes, etc etc. Starting off senior year with a crazy load but it's okay. :) It'll all be worth it when I get my degree. :D I will just leave you with this: I am so incredibly grateful to St. Therese for the example she's given us all on how to be a good person without having to do these great big gestures. For those of us who are shy and can't easily express ourselves as easily as others, it's a blessing to have someone like her to show us that the little things we do count just as much as the big ones; it doesn't diminish the intention or who we are inside.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having/had a great day, especially those who count St. Therese as their patron saint. :D I also hope y'all have a great weekend. :D

This month has A LOT of feast days I celebrate so expect more posts... especially after midterms when the course load gets lighter. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Disneyland, Dominican Nuns, and Lessons Learned

Yes, I took this picture only two nights ago. :D

If you're following me on twitter, you know that I went back to Disneyland and California Adventure on Monday. (I got an annual pass for my birthday this year so I can go often. :D) It proved to be good timing as I had finished the Novena of the Seven Gifts (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit/Pentecost novena) and I wanted to put my new found outlook to use. There is seriously no better place to test your progress than Disneyland. You encounter occasional pushing/shoving, rude guests, long lines to get on the rides, screaming children, overpriced everything, etc. With my anxiety being a pain in my tush, it was also a good place to see how I would do. Happy to say that it went much better than I expected. :D

I actually left the house with both anxiety and a stomach bug (yes, I know... I'm constantly suffering from some stomach ailment as it's very sensitive). I knew I was going to be there for at least 14 hours so I did my best to just get through it. After the first ride I actually felt quite sick and, stranded at the theme parks until 10 p.m., I decided to pray the 9 Hour Novena to the Infant of Prague which I only use when I know it's absolutely necessary. I knew that it meant that I had to pray while I was waiting in line for rides, and that people would see me doing the sign of the cross, but it was good for me to do so. I have to get over my self-conscious feeling when I do the sign of the cross in a public place ('cause I usually get strange looks and I'm shy... do the math. lol.) I felt so horrible and I knew my ride wouldn't be by to pick us up until nighttime so I did it. I'm very glad I did because I got better as the day went on and it turned out to be one of the best times I've ever had at Disneyland.

I kept seeing what I thought were little signs that I was going to be fine. On the second ride, and first after I started the novena, I saw that the line was going to take 40 minutes but decided to go ahead and get in line. (For those interested: it was for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.) My time to do the novena came a couple of minutes into our time in line. I turned on my iPod touch (where I'd typed out the novena) and prayed the novena. The line went by faster from that point on. I also saw a woman wearing a bracelet with saints on it (you know, those popular ones) and I felt a little better. On our next ride, the Small World ride, we were in line with Dominican nuns. I kid you not. There were three sweet Dominican nuns enjoying Disneyland, with big smiles on their faces. It made me so giddy, it was actually quite funny. It reminded me of the happiness I felt as a child when I saw nuns; of the time when I used to tell everyone I was going to grow up to be a Carmelite nun. :D I ended up seeing them a couple more times throughout the day which really made my day. (side note: the Dominican order was the one that inspired me, via Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, to become a Catholic educator after college.)

My novena ended when I still have two and a half hours left of my time at California Adventure, the theme park next to Disneyland. As I finished and during my time praying it, I kept God on my mind. I remembered to be more charitable with people despite how they might act. I remembered every single one of the Holy Spirit gifts I had prayed about that previous week as well as the novena I had done that day. I was rewarded with my stomach bug and anxiety having calmed down after the first two hours of the novena as well as a better understanding of myself and what I still need to work on. I was always rewarded with my "baby magnet powers" being extra good. lol. A little girl I didn't even know even took my hand while walking down the Monorail stairs. :)

We stayed until the World of Colors show which was beautiful. I am woman enough to admit that I cried during the 30 minute presentation because it reminded me of my childhood. All the movies I loved growing up were featured and, standing next to my mom under the moon and stars, it really reminded me of what was important. I thought about always having that childlike love and trust in God that St. Therese of Lisieux talked about. After the show was done, and before we left, we turned back to Disneyland to watch the fireworks display. Watching them, and feeling utterly content about how the day had turned out, I inwardly thanked God for the lessons I had learned.

Now you see why I like going to Disneyland and why my mini vacation idea was a good one? I'm slowly coming back online but I have already made the decision not to be online as much as I have in the past. It's been good for me (though I miss y'all terribly) and I like this new relationship I have with God. :D

OH! And before I forget, I want to thank everyone who kept praying for my Cal Grant situation. I spoke to someone at the California Student Aid Commission yesterday and she confirmed that my appeal to receive my final Cal Grant for my senior year (though initially denied twice) was approved last week and that the official letter would be arriving next week. That means that the loans (if I have any) won't be as scary as I previously thought. Thank you, God, for the miracle as well as those who prayed on my behalf. :D

I should quit writing as I'm sure it's really long by now. :D I hope y'all are having a good week thus far! And to those who are thinking about the mini online vacation, I definitely cannot recommend it enough. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Finals, Cancer Scare, and Rosary Novenas

... And I'm officially back! Sorry it's taken me nearly a week after finals to return to the blogging world but I have good reason for it... and you might've guessed what it was from the title. First, though, an update on how the first 54 day Rosary novena has been working and how it's affected my experience at the CINO.

I know I have yet to post an entry on the novena (which I will hopefully tomorrow) but I'm going to go ahead and say that it's worked wonders. I started the first Rosary novena at the beginning of the semester because I knew that I was going to need major intercessions as long as I attend the CINO. After the first week of heck (which is explained in the upcoming post), I started to notice things changing. It wasn't an immediate change (and things are still a work in progress) but I am truly grateful for what has already changed. While before I was overwhelmed and upset with everything that was going on, I now have a little more fight in me and I am at a place where I am feeling so much better. I still don't agree with my professors but I now openly challenge them in class because I'm no longer being a Little Miss Nice Nerd. I'm sorry but when material that is clearly anti-Catholic or trying to be passed as Catholic (when it really isn't) is presented I'm going to say something. I can't sit there and allow it to happen. I sometimes wonder how things would've gone if I hadn't completed the first novena because, even though I am openly defying my professors, they're not marking me down as much as before. I actually did pretty well this semester. I managed a 3.0 which is kind of miraculous considering everything that's happened. A 4.0 is a pipe dream at that school so I glad I got the required 3.0 to keep my financial aid. Finals were the most intense thing I've ever experience in my academic career, but I came out alive. Even though I got marked down for ripping a pornographic, anti-Catholic film that we were forced to watch to shreds, I still made it out in one piece... without having to compromise my beliefs. Thank God in heaven and all the saints and angels that helped me along the way. By the way, the fact that I was dealing with a cancer scare during finals made things a little hard for me.

I'm on day 20 of the second 54 day Rosary novena and, well, things have (had?) not been going very well for me. I actually had to restart the novena (on day 15 no less) because one of my professors decided to change our last essay at the last minute and had to basically rethink my essay and do everything from scratch. That night I finished right before midnight, lost the day, and thus had to restart. Just like my "week from heck" during the first novena, the past (nearly) 3 weeks have been really hard for me. This time around, things have gotten just a little more intense but I refuse to stop praying the novena. Repressed, and deeply unpleasant, memories randomly popped up the week before finals which did not help. As soon as I was able to get the memories out and began the healing process (through more prayer) I had this cancer scare. So during finals I was pretty depressed. Only one of my friends, whom I consider one of my closest, knew what was going on because I don't like worrying people. I actually didn't mention the scare to my friends or anyone until I a few days before my doctor's appointment (which was yesterday) and that was because I was so nervous and panicked that I really needed prayers. Because of the kind of scare that I was going through, I reached out to my girlfriends first because they are amazing women and I knew that they would have an idea (or could imagine) what I was feeling. The night before my appointment I was still a little panicky so I took to twitter where we Catholics have become pretty good online friends.

I won't lie and say that I wasn't fearing the worse but hoping for the best. After having gone through 7 years of my father's fight with colon cancer and seeing him die from the disease last year, it's no wonder why I was so scared of potentially having cancer. I've cried more these past 2-3 weeks than I have all year and things just felt horrible this week while waiting for the doctor's appointment. I was ready and prepared to do what God wanted, even if that meant that the worse case scenario would happen, but I was still terrified. Through the prayers of my friends, and through the second Rosary novena I'm doing, I felt nervous but more accepting of things. Like I said, I had resigned myself to whatever God's will was. After the doctor told me that it wasn't a cancerous tumor (though it is a benign tumor) I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and thanked God that it wasn't cancer. I actually imagined St. Therese of Lisieux and her mother, Blessed Zelie Martin, at either side of me as the doctor made his diagnosis and I'm glad I did it because it kept me from breaking down into tears. We don't always understand why we go through things until they are over and this experience was no exception. Though it may be too soon to say that my theory is right, I do believe that I have gone through everything for specific reasons.

I believe the stress of finals (and of the semester) needed to happen because I needed to strengthen myself, spiritually, more. After dad's death I went through a period where I wasn't completely apathetic but I definitely felt numb. I never lost my faith and love of God but I didn't feel the same way as before. Everything I've gone through the past couple of months have reawakened those feelings in me and I truly grateful for that. I believe the repressed memories came up because I needed to really deal with them. I am afraid I can't say what they were about as I'm terribly private about certain things but I will say that it was something that needed to be dealt with so that I could truly move on and be ready for my vocation without any reservations. Believe it or not, the cancer scare also helped me realize that I am truly ready to become a wife and mother as soon as God sends the right man my way. It took all these things to help me both reevaluate my priorities and also put me back on the track that I was on prior to my dad's death. I've snapped out of all the worries and I'm back, baby. lol. ;) Because I've finally snapped out of the funk, have 4 more weeks of vacation, and said "adios" to the blog writer's block, expect more blog entries from me. Sorry. lol. :D

I have to go finish an online game for review *gasp*, as well as a couple of books that will also be reviewed on this blog, so I should get going. I hope everyone is having a great week thus far. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D



P.S. I've posted some back entries from October until now that I hadn't before so please check them out. :D

Update: I AM Alive, Just Busy

I've been asked why I haven't blogged in over two weeks. The short, straight to the point answer: I've been very busy. I have two more weeks before finals start (in fact, my full day of final exams is in exactly 3 weeks) and this is when the professors load us with an insane amount of work. Throughout the semester the majority of the professors have fallen behind schedule and now they're trying to catch up which is more stressful for us. I had to read an entire 400+ book in a week. Well, I was supposed to finish it but I didn't because it's insane for a professor to assign us work as if it were the only class we were taking. I have a paper due tomorrow for Lit class and an exam early in the morning for my Intro to Catholicism class so I can't spend too much time blogging today but I thought a quick update would be good for now.

I have many posts that I started and do plan on publishing as soon as they are completed. Topics included in those posts: the Latin Mass (which I finally attended last week), St. Therese sacrifice beads, more updated on my life at a CINO (Catholic in Name Only) college, NaNoWriMo (see, I HAVE been writing something), novel (and sequel) update, and one on the 54 day Rosary novena I finished (as well as the one I just started). Don't know when I'll have the posts up but they will be up soon-ish. Let me finish reading all the books assigned, finish writing all the papers due, and basically catch up in time for finals and the posts will be written on a regular basis once again.

Alright, I need to finish my paper of Ovid's Metamorphoses so this is all for now.

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

St. Therese Suffering Beads

Happy St. Therese of Lisieux feast day! Since St. Therese has been in my life quite a bit lately, her feast day is a bigger celebration than in previous years. She's always been a favorite saint of ours but her story, as well as that of her parents, have really helped us these past couple of months. My mom actually passed down a book on St. Therese's life (written in Spanish) that she's had since before I was born because I've been trying to get my hands on all the books on St. Therese that I can. Basically, I'm trying to learn how to better handle things from her.

I'll be the first to admit that it takes a lot to push my buttons to the point where I actually get really mad. I'll be unhappy about something but I can usually get over that thing a minute or two later because I don't like dwelling on things that are negative. I don't see the point and I avoid drama like the plague. Unfortunately, the professors at my school have been pushing all the right (or should I say wrong?) buttons lately. I'm so passionate about my faith that it really makes me upset when someone butchers it and presents it the way they want to and not the way it is. I actually started keep track of how many things I was offering up because I tend to not say anything until I'm really riled up or until I feel comfortable enough to do so. A lot of things are quite irritating, such as saying that God can be referred to as either a man or a woman *sigh*, and when my professors are in a mood we can't even say anything without fear of a full on attack so offering up the assault on my ears is the best option. It wasn't until recently that I got my hands on some sacrifice beads to help me.

Lately I've been using St. Therese Suffering Beads that my good friend/soul sister, Angelica, was kind enough to send me. I've been trying to keep track of things I offer and on bad days I have to "reset" the sacrifice beads more than one or twice but it's okay because it's helping me cope with school a little better. I actually hadn't heard of sacrifice beads until Angelica mentioned them but I am glad she did because goodness knows that I seriously needed them. I don't always move a bead, signifying a sacrifice made, but I've begun to automatically catch myself so that I don't have an uncharitable thought about my professors. If you have a problem with impatience or have to deal with people or situations that make you unhappy more often than not, I strongly recommend investing in a "chaplet" of sacrifice beads. :D

Alright, well, I have loads to do so that is all for today. I hope everyone had a wonder day today. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

First Impressions

Don't you just love the view we have from campus? That's the Pacific Ocean in the background.

While I sit in the surprisingly noisy library unable to take the much needed nap I was hoping for, I thought it would be good to update the blog with my first impressions on attending a "liberal" Catholic college. After all, I have a 6 hour break until my next class and I have nothing due for my next class so why not blog?

First reaction after three days of classes: "What the heck did I get myself into?" If the hour and a half trip to campus (due to rush hour traffic on the infamous 405 freeway; you Southern Californians know what I'm talking about) and the 5 hours of sleep weren't bad enough, I also have to deal with being "too Catholic" for a majority of my classes. Seriously. Nearly all of my Religious Studies professors sounded like they had some issues with "traditional" Catholics, or at least with our beliefs. All have said that we're allowed to argue for our side and that, out of respect, we shouldn't attack our fellow classmates with differing opinions but I still have a bad feeling about it. So far I haven't met anyone else who has the same moral beliefs that I do. I've only seen one fellow classmate with a brown scapular and another with a shirt of St. Francis surrounded by animals but that's as far as it goes.

Every day I make it a point to stop at the chapel on campus to have a little chat with God. I sit in the darkened chapel and pray, usually to help me make it through the rest of the day because I've been sick, exhausted, and because I don't feel entirely comfortable in my Religious Studies courses. There is an alcove with a big statue of St. Therese (it's taller than my 5'7" self) that I also visit right after I go to the chapel. I like to have a little time with St. Therese as well, usually asking for her intercession while I'm there. Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati also comes up often throughout the day, especially when I bring out a book I'm reading about him (halfway done). Oh, I'm getting offtrack... anyway... I think I may be the only one that stops by the chapel during the day. I've spent quite some time either in or near the chapel and I haven't seen anyone else go in. I've seen who I assumed to be parents of a student, minus the student, to go in for a minute but that's it. They offer morning prayers but I haven't been able to get to campus on time to go. My guess is that it's pretty empty during this time too... and all of this makes me feel terribly upset. I had some hope that there was at least one or two more like minded people on campus but I haven't met anyone yet. Of course I'm new to this school and I don't know many people but, still... it's not looking good.

Now, I don't mind being "the Lone Ranger" here, at least in terms of beliefs. I don't care if they ridicule me when I pray before eating or doing anything that shows I'm Catholic to the core. I will learn to deal with these things and with the clashing beliefs between professors and myself. I will give them the benefit of the doubt about allowing me to express my beliefs without being attacked for it. I am giving them faith and a chance to prove me wrong when I say I have an uphill battle ahead of me. When it comes to myself and what will happen to me, I'm sure God will help me out if it's His will. I have enough faith and optimism. However, it makes me sad that there doesn't seem to be much reverence to Him at a self-described Catholic college. Again, it may be because I'm a "traditional" Catholic and because I'm more serious about my faith but still. I won't get into the modesty issue because there's no need for me to criticize my classmates' wardrobe choices. Makes me sad but what can I do about it (besides praying)? I see the same everywhere else I go.

Maybe I'm being too picky. I knew what I was getting myself into... a bit too late but I didn't have to show up for classes. Like I said, I am prepared to challenge them, and I am prepared to be challenged (which will in turn make me stronger in my faith) but I also have to test my professors to see how far I can push them before they kick me out of their classes.

Okay, my eyelids are slowly coming down lower so I will try to take a nap in this library. Hopefully they don't mind that I'll be take a cubicle for the next hour or so to nap. :) If some parts of the blog post reads funny, it's because I'm a typing zombie at the moment.

Say a prayer for me and I'll say one for all of you later when I go into the chapel for my quality time with God. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

God Appears When You Least Expect It

If you're following me on Twitter, you might've seen a tweet (yesterday) about my "road trip" with Verbum Veritatis blogger, Joe. If you were still on Twitter about an hour or two later you might've seen me "checking in" (via foursquare) to a church in Los Angeles. What you might have not known is that we had absolutely no intention of going to a church but we still ended up there... and that it seemed to be a sign from God that He was listening to our conversation.

If you've read this blog for, at least, a year now you've probably seen me mention Joe occasionally. He's a fellow L.A. Catholic blogger (though his location will soon change) who's been my math tutor as well as a good friend. He went to Mass with us the day after my father passed away last year and we've gone to both Mass and confession a couple of times with my family. I've known he was meant for the religious life since I met him but I did not push him one way or another. I let him discern his vocation in peace, with encouragement, just like I do with all my friends. Recently he was admitted to the Order of the Blessed Virgin Mary of Mercy and will begin his postulancy next month. Since he will be relocating to Philadelphia, we decided to have one last hurrah before he left. At the last minute, I asked him to do me the favor of driving me into Hollywood (I live in the urban suburbs of L.A.) because I'd been craving imported Irish cookies I had had a few months ago. He agreed and we set off for the heart of Tinseltown.

About 80% (if not more) of the conversations between Joe and I have something to do with Catholicism and/or religion. While driving down the 101 freeway we started talking about the Mercedarians and about vocations in general. Without going into the specifics of our vocation stories (which I hope to write about some day), we both agreed that we were meant for the vocation that would be the "hardest" for us (but in a good way): the religious life for him and the vocation of marriage for myself. We were actually still talking about both my vocation, about how I will need patience and a lot of faith while I wait for whomever God has in store for me, and our liturgical abuses at parishes when we were about to reach our destination. Fortunately for us, this woman in a white car would not let us into the left lane where we needed to be... causing us to drive further up to be able to make a turn. What we did not expect was to find a hidden gem neither of us have even heard of: a gorgeous Catholic church on the outskirts of Hancock Park.

Christ the King Roman Catholic Church is absolutely breathtaking, especially inside. Both Joe and I were in awe that something so beautiful was located in Hollywood/Los Angeles, especially with the parishes we're used to seeing. Not that I'm ragging on the local parishes, they are all lovely in their own ways but this parish was like nothing I've ever seen in person. The stained glass windows, the location of the tabernacle... the entire inside of the church literally made me speechless. Unfortunately it was too dark inside so the pictures didn't come out too great, nor did they do the parish any justice, but I tried to take as many pictures as I could. (And, btw, if you take any of these pictures from the blog please give me credit for it.) Click the pictures to make them bigger.

The stain glass windows over the altar:

From Christ the King Roman Catholic Church

The confessional (with Joe looking at it):

From Christ the King Roman Catholic Church

Dedicated to the Virgin Mary:

From Christ the King Roman Catholic Church

Divine Mercy:

From Christ the King Roman Catholic Church

From the back of the church (does not do it any justice):

From Christ the King Roman Catholic Church

Mini grotto outside:

From Christ the King Roman Catholic Church

Close up:

From Christ the King Roman Catholic Church

As we were leaving, we found candles and lit one before we left. Once we were outside, I could see the Hollywood sign almost straight across from the parish. As I told Joe, to me it seemed like it was God's way of saying that He was there with us, never leaving us alone, even in the midst of debauchery and sin (which is prevalent in Hollywood). Even though we may seem like a minority in this great big city, God's not going to leave us alone and that gem was proof.

On the way to two different Irish shops (which I will actually write about next time; there are stories there as well), we were talking about how our discovery of this gorgeous church was like a sign for us. We had been talking about finally being at peace with our vocation discernments and everything else when we stumbled across the church. It was like God was telling us He had heard our conversation and that we had done the right thing. Since we were also talking about St. Therese of Lisieux (whom I coincidentally had a picture of in my purse) and had talked about the Little Flower being our intercessor during the vocation discernment, I also took it as rose from her. :)

As soon as I got home from our road trip, I told my mom about the parish and she immediately said that we had to go to Mass there at least once. I don't know when but we definitely will. :) Anyway, I thought it was a pretty good story to share so here I am blogging it. :D

Alright, I need to go catch up on emails since I had no access to my email account for a couple of hours two days ago (not good, Google!) as well as try to finish a book I want to review on this blog. :D I hope everyone is having a good week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Where Should I Start?; Music Monday

Where should I start? I've had so much going on with me in the past 2 weeks that I haven't had time to sit down and write a proper blog entry. I guess I should start from the beginning and work my way forward.

The good news is that, while I am still recovering from some of the lingering whiplash that one gets in "girl world", I have managed to get myself out of it pretty unscathed. I think the young lady that sucked me into the drama saw that I would not go along with it so she's left me alone. Of course a couple of my friendships have begun to end in the process but I feel like it's for the best. I noticed that these friends, who are self-described 'hardcore Catholics', weren't acting very Catholic and that I was struggling with my faith due to my friendships with them. It wasn't until I stepped back and reflected on this (and on my vocation which I will get into in a minute) that I realized just how bad these friendships were for me -- and especially for my spiritual health. There is no ill will on my part (nor will I argue with them on their ways) and all I will do is pray for them. :)

I also had the realization (while talking to a good friend of mine about vocation discernments) that I really and truly meant to be a married woman and a mommy some day. I'd known for a while but I had an epiphany while talking to my friend about this that really left absolutely no doubt in my mind. Furthermore, I think I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm ready for someone to come whenever God sends him to me. I wasn't before (ready, that is) but I think I finally am and it's incredibly exciting. :D I'm giving credit to St. Therese of Lisieux and Sr. Tracey Dugas for this too.

What else? Oh! I celebrated the one year anniversary of my father's reversion on the 29th and I turned 25 years-old on the 30th! (side note: Thank you, Delaney, for that uber sweet birthday message on your blog.) My birthday was the best birthday I've ever had, surrounded by amazing, loving people. :) I am thankful that my track record of horrible birthdays came to an end.

Two other things I was/am thankful for: 1) I aced my finals and got a 4.0 for the semester and 2( I found out that my tuition and health insurance when I transfer schools next semester will be covered by a huge scholarship and two grants. Last year I asked Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati for his intercession -- to help me find a way to pay for the tuition without going into major debt -- and this year I got my prayers answered. I literally yelled "Thank you, God!!!" in the financial aid office and I nearly cried when I was told. The good thing is that my new college is Catholic so doing such a thing wasn't a problem. lol. Now I am going to keep my end of the promise (yes, I make promises to do something if my prayers get answered) but I don't mind because it'll be for the good of the community. :D Also, I have signed up for my classes and I can tell you that I will almost completely immersed in Catholicism next semester. Only two of my five courses are not Religious Studies related (although in my Western Lit class I will get to read Dante's "Divine Comedy" as well as some Greek Mythology and the Bible so I guess it kind of counts). I don't start until late August but I'm already really stoked. :D

If you're following me on Twitter I know you keep getting World Cup updates. Sorry about that but Futbol soccer is a passion of mine. In honor of the WC, I have an entry that combines the sport with Catholicism. I'd already done one a few years ago (when I started this blog) but I am going to another and expand on it. :D BTW, go U.S., Mexico, Spain, and England! :D

There is more I'd like to write but I'll save them for future entries. :D All I want to say is that I've been incredibly blessed and I don't know what I did to deserve all my luck but I wholeheartedly thank God for everything He's blessed me with... especially considering that I've been struggling with my faith lately (though I now know the source and have made plans to avoid it.)

Oh, before I go... Music Monday! Today's pick is Nikki Yankofsky's version of "God Bless the Child" (originally sung by Billie Holiday). I've known about Nikki for a while but her CD was just released in the States last month (which I highly recommend if you're a jazz/jazz vocal fan like me.) She's amazing... and only 16 years old!


Alright, I am going to go hang out and work on the novel (since I had to take a break during finals.) I hope y'all have a great week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

My Vocation Discernment Hasn't Been Easy

I think my prayers, along with the prayers of those who wanted to help me figure out what I was going through earlier in the week (the vocation thoughts) were answered. I also want to thank Kerri, Joe of Verbum Veritatis, and Claire of Musings of a Twentysomething for letting me talk about what was going on in my head. It was a big help. (P.S. Joe is also going through his discernment process, though for the priesthood (whoo!) so please pray for him as well.) As some of my friends noticed, I was not myself during this time.

As I said in the past couple of posts, the whole thing had really done a number in my head and had begun to disrupt my prayer life. I was upset about the whole thing, though I'd always been very accepting of what God wanted my vocation to be. I've knelt in from of the Tabernacle several times and told God that I'd do whatever he wanted me to do... and meant it. Every time I've done it, I've been sure that my vocation had been that of a wife and mother. I felt it in my heart that it was what I was meant to be. The thought that it was really the single life and that I'd been deceiving myself was what really upset me. Luckily though, I'm no longer upset over it... and not only because I'm once again sure that I'm meant to be married.

So how did the single vocation thought go away? It actually happened while writing my last blog. I wrote "It literally just dawned on me that all these thoughts and doubts could've just been put into my head because the enemy wants me to abandon my prayer life and wants me to be angry at something I love so dearly." Once I wrote that and really thought about it, I felt a huge wave of relief... like I'd just stumbled unto the answer I'd been looking for. That's not to say that it was a relief because I'd get my selfish wish of picking what vocation I most wanted, but because it explained why I'd gotten all this anger out of nowhere and at Church, after confessions, of all places... and why there was something that wanted me to get mad at God (which, luckily, I didn't.) Not only that, I became REALLY happy. It was like "HA! God, you've helped me figure it out! Thank you for giving me the strength to not do something stupid like blame You for this." This was actually what I talked to my friends about. I'd been so confused; I wasn't acting or sounding like myself and it was all just so frustrating. It was honestly unlike anything I'd ever felt before. The outcome of this is peace in my heart and an even stronger passion for prayer and for devoting myself to God.

A twitter friend brought up something about what I'd written about my vocation discernment. I'll repeat some of the same things I said to her here. My vocation discernment isn't something I've done on a whim. It's not "go with your gut instinct" or "do what you want most." I've spent years doing it; praying about what my discernment might be and doing what I believe God wants me to do. I've talked to Fr. Leo and Fr. Stan about this. Actually Fr. Leo, and later on Fr. Stan, helped me realized that I wasn't meant out for the religious vocation, though I actually really wanted to be a sister/nun. When I was a little girl, as young as 5-6 years old, I would say that I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. It all appealed to me. I had even gotten into an argument with my mother about a year and a half ago regard it. I'd told her that if it was what God wanted, I would do it; that I was sorry that she disliked the vocation for me but that I'd do what I was meant to do.

My vocation discernment journey hasn't been easy. I've been thrown a lot of obstacles on the way. The realization that I was meant to be a wife and mommy someday came to me very slowly. If you'd asked me a few years ago, even as recent as 4-5 years ago, I would've told you that I didn't want kids. I've always loved kids but I didn't want any of my own. (side note: This was all prior to me returning to the Church.) I didn't want kids and I'd tell my friends that they'd be crazy if they thought I would want more than 1 if someday I did. I had other plans for my life: I wanted to be a wedding planner, eventually marry, and that was it. There were no plans to have children. Once I returned to the Church and started learning about Catholicism all over again, and really exploring my religion in a way I hadn't before I'd "left", it all changed for me. At the time, I still didn't think I would be a mom and the religious life was something I wanted. I fell in love with the faith and with my newfound prayer life. Nothing appealed more to me than to completely devote myself to God. I talked to Fr. Leo first and he suggested I wait to make up my mind; to pray about it. So I did... and slowly I began to realize what my vocation truly was while I began to get very excited about the prospect of being a mother someday. I prayed about it, many times in front of the Tabernacle and/or in Church, and I just knew that this was what God wanted me to do. I accepted it and I had been on this path ever since. And for the record, I'm not saying it'll be like this for everyone. The process is completely different for everyone. Like St. Therese of Lisieux, some people know their vocations at an earlier age than others. For some it's easier than others. The important thing is to never be upset with God and to never cease praying.

As I wrote a couple of entries ago, I recently decided to slightly modify what I would do with my life while I waited to get married and start a family and I couldn't be happier with this decision. It's already changed who I am, for the better, and I think my friends could see it by just looking at me. I have this huge smile that I can't wipe off my face. I do silly dances more often than not. I thank God for everything, including the whole single vocation curve ball I endured for a couple of days. I now have slightly more "selfish" plans for myself. My more longterm goals are to finish my degree. More immediate plans include starting a little "garden" I can keep within the confines of my apartment and doing things, like taking dance classes, for myself. I also want to learn how to make more dishes since my mother has declared that she hates cooking and baking. Luckily, I love cooking so I won't mind. Who knows, I might even attempt to become a chef some day; the sky's the limit when it comes to my dreams and plans. :D Of course, I will try to do everything with God in mind. Cooking and baking classes? I could put those skills to use by making food for the homeless. The dance class? I could help out an elementary school's after school program to keep kids off the streets by volunteering to teach dance. My garden? I could grow flowers and give them to patients at hospitals who don't get visitors. That's what makes me so happy about all of this; I'm doing things I love AND finding ways to help others. Thank you, Lord, for helping me with this. I give Him all credit for this happiness I feel. :D

Alright, well, I think that's about it for now. I've written too much again... as usual. Sorry. lol. I'm going to go tango dance for a little while (VERY little since I'm now running late.) Is it possible to tango in a classy way that's not provocative? That's what I'm about to find out. :D

I hope everyone had a great week. Once again, thank you so much for your prayers for me. God certainly listened. And, please, never hesitate to ask me to pray for you. I'd be more than happy to do it. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Fighting Vocation Rethought; Music Monday

I cannot get the vocation rethought out of my head today. It's actually taking a bit of time that I should be using to get homework done. Yes, we've already got assigned tasks on the first day of classes. As my Philosophy professor said this morning, "Welcome to college!" lol. Anyway, I'm even more confused than ever on what I should do and it's starting to take a toll on me, spiritually.

I once again feel, deep down, like I'm meant for the married vocation but I still have that nagging feeling like maybe not. It's doing quite a number in my head. I've had a number of people who know me tell me they think I've make a good wife and mother (and a couple of those people are guy friends of mine), especially since I've already ruled out the religious vocation which some people felt I should've "done." Unfortunately, we don't get to decide these things. If I had it my way, I would be a wife and mother in a couple of years, after I finished college and established my career. If a couple of my "trad" Catholic friends had their way, I'd be a religious sister/nun (you guys know who you are). If you had a chance to peek into my mind, you wouldn't make sense of ANYTHING in there at the moment. I'm stressed about school already (thank the lack of financial aid for that), I'm still getting over my "anger"/frustration that accompanies the mourning process, etc. As reluctant as I am to admit this... I acknowledge that I'm still getting over all the disappointment, and a bit of anger, I recently felt due to things that were uncovered about a person whom I deeply loved. Even thinking about it makes me tear up, that's how fresh it still is. All of these things make me sometimes wonder if the thoughts about the single vocation aren't just an "attractive" option because of everything I've recently gone through. Honestly, even when I thought about the religious life, I always felt like I was meant to be married. I sobbed endlessly when my father's death hit me because of thought that I wouldn't have him to walk me down the aisle if/when my wedding day arrived.

I've thought about the single vocation, and I honestly don't know if I would be able to handle it. Though I'm fiercely independent (I actually enjoy working for my own money and paying for my things with my hard earned money) and could probably survive on my own, there's something that... I don't know... makes me cringe and uncomfortable about it. I'm not saying it's horrible and that I pity those who are meant for that vocation; I just don't know if it's for me. Again, it's not up to me, I've already told God that if it's my vocation, I won't fight it as much as I'd probably want to. And do I want to. Right now I want to cry and fight the feeling that I'm meant for this vocation... and I don't know if it because it's in my very nature to "rebel" against what I feel I'm being forced to do because it's my meant vocation or because, even though I'm not meant for it, I feel like I would be force to choose this to spare my mother's feelings. Again, I never felt this way until my mom kept bringing up marriage often followed by "I don't know what I'd do on my own." Yes, I had single vocation thoughts before all of this, but I never gave me second thoughts. I was so sure of my vocation until recently. Ugh! I'm sounding like a broken record, aren't I?

What I hate more about this is that it's causing me to lose my prayer life. I don't know where it's coming from. I just don't want to pray though I still do and fight against this apathetic, yet rebellious, feeling. It could be that I don't want this vocation so badly that I don't want my prayers answered or it could be the enemy putting all these thoughts into my head and thus making me a nutty nerd. It literally just dawned on me that all these thoughts and doubts could've just been put into my head because the enemy wants me to abandon my prayer life and wants me to be angry at something I love so dearly. If I ever needed St. Therese of Lisieux's intercession and one of her roses, it's now... or very soon; before I go absolutely batty. If y'all could please pray for me, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I think I'm going to go pray for a little while, after I finish a couple of quick things for my online/distance-education courses which start today. I want to get all the things that have deadlines before I can focus on my own internal struggle.

Oh, and since this is the first Music Monday, in a while, that I've posted anything... here's this week's song. I've mentioned Celtic Thunder a lot recently so I thought that one of the songs by a member of the group was appropriate. I've chosen the cover of "Castles in the Air" sung by C.T.'s Keith Harkin. (P.S. Celtic Thunder is made of 5 vocalists who do their own songs as well as group songs.) I think it's a beautiful rendition of the song and is currently my favorite song.



Okay, I'm off to tackle Biological Psychology and Interpersonal Communication before prayers and a quick nap (in that order). I hope everyone that returned to school today had a great day (better than mine; long story, lol)... and that those who went to school near the fires are/were safe! May St. Florian keep all the firefighters safe during this difficult time (and crazy heatwave).

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :)

Me? Date? No, Thank You! I'm Focusing on God

*Originally started on 8/12, finished/published on 8/27*

If there's one thing I've been feeling pressure to do, it's date and/or find someone to marry. It's been worse since my father passed away last month. It's mentioned so often, about how I "need" to find someone, right now (!), or else it's going to get more difficult as I get older, that I've resorted to poking fun at it. Um, hello, I just turned 24 years old a couple of months ago! Why all the pressure? Why all the comments? Unfortunately, I think it's because our society has been conditioned to think that we're not complete unless we have a significant other. Being the youngest of my siblings, I get all this advice, and my brothers threatening to hunt down any guy that hurts me (heehee), but I've come to the conclusion that I would be better off not listening to that advice and relying on prayers for the intercession of Our Blessed Mother (to make me a woman worthy of entering the married vocation), St. Maria Goretti (for purity of mind and speech), and St. Therese of Lisieux (over all patron in both my single and married vocations) to guide me through this time in my life.

To be completely honest, I haven't "dated" or had a "boyfriend" since I was in my late teens. I've never been on a proper date, which I'm actually proud of. lol. :D I do go out with my guy friends, but it's never in a romantic setting. Every thing I've done with my guy friends has been something I could easily do with a girlfriend. Well, the only exception was a football (soccer) match I went to with my friend Andrew of Per Fidem, but that's because my girlfriends aren't big on the sport and I am. (P.S. I still say we brought the L.A. Galaxy luck and that they owe us season passes, lol). Other than that, I tend to avoid doing things with my guy friends that I wouldn't with my girlfriends. I've avoided dating because a) I have horrible "luck" with guys (seriously, just ask any of my close friends) and b) in my experience, most guys have been after only one thing, yes THAT, -- even if they swear they aren't and hide behind the fact that they're Catholic to see if I fall for it. Too bad for them, I like to think of myself as being just a little smarter than the average nerdy bear.

Recently, with this new path that I feel the Lord is guide me on, I've re-evaluated the reasons why I've avoided dating... and this time, the reasons are better, more practical (which I'm trying to be), and I believe are more in line with what God wants from me. After reading two (completely different) books on dating, I've finally come up with how I will handle my future relationships. Let me say, before I go further, that this isn't what I hope everyone does. This is something I've figured out for myself, with the help of the Lord, and will do because I feel, in my heart, this is what will be best for me.

The two books I've read, Jane Austen's Guide to Dating by Lauren Henderson and I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, couldn't be more unlike each other. In one book (J. Austen's Guide) we have your typical dating advice with a twist. This book tells you not to play games with the person you're interested in and also has good advice about not holding a person up on a pedestal. It's good, sound advice and the twist is that she uses things that have happened with characters in Jane Austen's novels to make her points. Very cute concept, a couple of good tips (such as not dating someone based on their income/career)... but it sadly fails with all the mention of pre-marital sex. Every single chapter has so many of these examples. "So and so waited a month and now they're happy." "Him and her had a baby and are now content." "A and B moved in together and are now happily engaged." I don't recall one example that didn't have the more "traditional" process of waiting until marriage to enjoy that intimacy. Not one. It romanticized the idea of sex outside of marriage which is very dangerous for a young girl/lady who thinks this book, which will use example of Austen's novels, will be something completely different. After reading this book, I had to tell my younger adopted "sisters" (friends who I see as my sisters) not to bother with this book. It's not that I think they'll fall for the ideas presented, I just think it's a waste for modest young women. It made me sad to think that, as a young adult in today's society, what was written in the book is what is expected of me. And, sadly, it is. Thankfully, I have no problem "rebelling" against what society expects of me. The second book I read helped give confidence to my "Me? Date? No, thank you!" attitude and definitely countered the disillusionment I experienced from the first book. The second book, appropriately called I Kissed Dating Goodbye (by Joshua Harris), once again gave me hope for the future. Not only that, it actually helped solidify some ideas that I already had.

While some of the ideas in the books were more Protestant than Catholic, I was able to look past that and see what Josh's point was in each chapter. In fact, his constant reminder that we should pray about our vocation (though he never mentions religious life) kept reminding me that we should focus on knowing what our vocation is before pursuing any relationship. This is just one example, of many, in which I agreed with Josh. When he says that "dating is a product of our entertainment-driven, disposible-everything American culture" (pg 29), I think he totally hit the nail on the head. How many of you had an idea of what dating was supposed to be like due to what was given to us through movies and shows? The Notebook, anyone? The reality of it is that we're not going to live a romance like we see on tv or at the movie theater. I'm not saying it's horrible to like these kinds of movies. I'm very much a chick flick person who likes those happy endings... but it's also important to realize that it's all make-believe and that our reality isn't a fairy tale. (I hope I'm not bumming anyone out.) This is all coming from a self-described hopeless romantic, too.

As Josh wrote, many of the dating relationships we see are because they're attract to each other and want to have a good time. Most, sadly, don't want commitment; they just want to have fun then and there with that particular person. Trust me, I've had more than my fair share of guys trying to do this. One former guy "friend" was very blunt about how he just wanted to get to know me "in the biblical sense"; just have a little fun. Yes, he was attracted to me, but he just wanted that one time thing and not a relationship. Apparently, he didn't know me as well as he thought because those responses usually get either a kick in the shins or a sock in the nose (usually only metaphorically). Unfortunately, I've gotten this type of thing quite often, which was the initial reason why I decided to quit dating.

As I've said before, I do go out with my guy friends but never in a romantic setting. I don't treat any of them differently than I do my girlfriends. I enjoy getting to know the guys just as I do the girls. For me, I've found that getting to know members of the opposite sex as just friends will help you a lot. It's helping me learn how to deal with certain things (because we girls tend to be more emotional than guys) and also how to talk to them properly. I've also had the blessing of giving some of them advice, which I've always tried to give as honestly as I can. I call many of them my brothers because they've become like part of my family. Lately I've realized that I should keep doing this... and if someday I begin to develop feelings for one of them, then I'll already know him well enough to know whether to pursue something more than friendship. This way I'll know what I'll be getting into without getting my heart broken the way I would in a dating relationship that will go nowhere. As the book says, we tend to skip the friendship stage in relationships. We're in such a hurry to date with that initial attraction that we don't think twice about whether we know who we're attracted to. It's not completely easy once you have a crush, especially with having this "if you like someone, go out with them!" message constantly thrown at me, but not impossible either and I've been able to do it.

One of the most important things that IKDG did for me was make me very excited and happy about being single. Do you realized that once we get married (if it's also your vocation), we'll never have this freedom again? And I'm not saying that getting married is taking away your freedom. Not all! The freedom I'm talking about is getting to know yourself, and learning about yourself, so well that when it is time for you to share your life with someone, you can go into that relationship with confidence. When again will I get a chance to go to sporting events or even to the movies, with my guy friends? It's not appropriate to do this when I'm married. When again will I be able to travel without having to take anyone else's schedule into consideration? I'm able to make my own plans at the moment. Sounding selfish of me? Well... here's the one thing about the book that really stuck out to me: when again will I have a chance to completely devote myself solely to God and doing what God wants me to do without worrying about how it'll affect my (future) husband? Being single and being married are completely different vocations. I will be able to serve the Lord in both states, but each will ask different things of me.

As I've said in the last couple of posts, I believe that God wants me to focus on myself (for once) and on what I want to do for Him. I've realized that I've spent the last couple of years doing things mainly for my parents. There's no complaint at all though. I was blessed to be able to help my father during his last 7 years, and 3 cancer battles, of life. There has not been anything more rewarding to me than being able to take care of my father the way he took care of me as a child. I look forward to doing it with my mother when she reaches old age as well. Because of this, though, I have neglected my own needs and wants. There were times when I've wanted to volunteer at soup kitchens but couldn't because I preferred to stay at home and look after my father. I gave up my dreams of attending university partly for the same reason (the other part was because of the anxiety which used to be worse). MANY TIMES I've wanted to help out the homeless but, as I mentioned last year, my father wouldn't let me do this without getting lectured and yelled at. Now that I have this newfound freedom, I can do everything I've wanted to do that will help others and serve God in the process. THIS is the path that I feel God wants me to take, now that I am single and have no big commitments and responsibilities. I love that there's no man in my life to give my heart to, at the moment, other than God.

In mid-late June I had a dream that St. Therese of Lisieux showed me this red book with different people's pictures in it. It dawned on me that it was a book on dating and relationships. As soon as I took this book, I heard her tell me "have patience." When I woke up, I thought it was a sign, whether divine or subconscious, that I would have to be patient because the man I'm supposed to marry either isn't ready (if I already know him) or isn't ready and I haven't met him yet. I thought it was something different because I had a little "crush" on a guy friend at the moment. Even then, it all seemed a little confusing but now, looking back, I understand it. St. Therese, being a patroness of vocations, will now be my patron saint when it comes to my future relationships. Well, I should say my (hopefully) future relationship (singular) because I have made a promise to myself, and to God and St. Therese, not to enter a courtship ("old-fashioned", but, hey, so am I!) until I'm sure that the man I enter the courtship with is someone I could see myself marrying. I'm glad I made that decision because that way my next relationship will be that much special and sacred. I'm not afraid of commitment or of getting my heart broken. I'd just rather save that for my future spouse. I'm sure he, whoever he is, will be glad that I'm not going into the relationship with the cynicism one can get from getting their hearts broken through many failed relationships. I'm not jaded (and have been able to quickly bounce back from past disappointments) when it comes to romance and I hope that it stays that way. For now, I will do as my big brother's friend, who is a Protestant minister, has advised me to do: pray for my future spouse and hope that he puts God above all things, like I'm going to do, until he's ready for marriage.

By the way, I may joke about my footballer boyfriend on facebook and twitter but that's all it is - a joke that originated from a dream I had about marrying a footballer I wasn't (and am not) actually interested in. I had this dream for two months straight so it became a joke amongst friends. I told y'all my dreams were weird. lol. As I've often said in the past, I rarely talk about this side of my personal life but I decided to share and hope it'll help someone in the future.

I was going to write more, but I think I've been able to say all I wanted to say without sounding redundant and (hopefully) without sounding preachy. Again, these are just things that will work for me. Not everyone is the same and I'm sure some of you will disagree with me (I know a couple of my own close friends will), but that's how it is for me.

Okay, that's about it for now. I want to go pray for a little while, especially with this darn anxiety that seems to sneak up. I haven't had a full blown attack since the day dad passed away (and no attack months before that) and I'm going to ask St. Dymphna for her intercession so I am able to keep the anxiety at bay until I've figured out what's causing it.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D