The Reason Why I've Been Asking for Prayers for Mom and I

I’ve been asking for vague prayers for Mom and I over the last week or so via social media. Not even my closest friends really knew what was going. I was a little apprehensive about saying what it was regarding because I didn’t want people to think I was seeking attention, wanting pity for myself and the situation, or (worse) think I was trying to use emotional manipulation for donations.

Earlier this week, I felt like God was telling me to let go of my pride; the same pride instilled in me by my parents who always told me to never ask anyone for anything, especially money. I saw that it was partially pride that kept me from saying anything, so I started telling some of my closest friends what was going on. Most immediately offered to help, financially, but I still couldn't let go of that pride so I decline. Only two didn't listen to me and one of them covered what was most vital: food.

The truth is that my mother and I are in a bad way, financially. What we didn’t anticipate happening when my health took a nosedive in June was that I wouldn't be able to work as much. We were making ends meet but as soon as my productivity dropped, so did our ability to keep on top of our finances. Being partially blinded and unable to look at screens for more than a couple of minutes at a time most days is a freelance writer’s worst nightmare. I even wrote this post in chunks through both cell phone and laptop as the laptop is harder on my eyes.

My best friends knew I was planning on moving earlier this year. In fact, if I hadn't gotten sick (to the point where I can't even make myself food), I would be living in a different state right now. However, God's plans for me were different. Instead, I got sick and then I had to drain my savings completely in order to help Mom afford rent, bills, and food. Unfortunately, it’s gotten to the point where we might not even be able to afford rent much longer (they increased it by 4% last month and L.A. is notoriously expensive so you can imagine the cost). We were also worried about not having money for food until one of my best friends generously covered our groceries for the final week of the month.

Yes, it's been that bad. And, yes, I kept that hidden from friends for months. That's right, months. We had to have a cousin loan us money last month to be able to pay rent.. and since we had to pay her back this month, that made affording food more difficult. It's that bad, y'all. Since my mom is set to retire in a couple of months (and since I'm obviously not getting married or leaving home anytime soon), we've (as a family) have been looking to move somewhere more affordable as soon as we can. First, somewhere locally until my mom retires, and then possibly out of state.

My good friend, and editor of my first two novels, Kiera, knew our situation and set up a GoFundMe account to either be able to repair my current car (which needs a lot of work) or get myself a new (to me) car since mine has been breaking down often since last year. We keep putting a lot of money into repairs but things continue to break down since my car is a 1998 Honda Civic and most of the parts were original when I bought it almost 9 years ago.

As long-time readers of this blog may know, I drive my Mom to work at 4 a.m five days a week since she doesn't drive. Since we live in a shady neighborhood and there’s no immediate public transportation access that won’t put her safety at risk at 3-4 a.m., it's been a sacrifice I've been making since shortly before my father passed away (he used to drive her to work).

I know that the $5,000 goal Kiera is aiming for seems a lot but I think she did it because she'd rather see me get a new car than keep putting more money (repairs will be in the lower end of four digits) into my little Honda; the same car that, well, hasn't been the same since my car accident over 4 years ago. I'm trusting God to provide for either a new (to me) car or, the very at least, enough for basic repairs that will keep the car running for now since we can’t afford (literally) for Mom to keep taking Uber to work. We can barely afford food, how can we afford Uber?

For those who say, "Well, why don't you just work harder?" (and, yes, it's been asked), it's simple: if I could put in extra work, I would. If I could just spend all day writing for various websites and publications... or even get a job outside the house, I would! But my health isn't letting me. Let's put my eyesight and freelance writing aside. I'm too physically spent to work outside the house. In fact (only a handful of people knew this... until now), I'm so sick that I'm actually underweight by half a dozen pounds. I went from 128 lbs to 114 lbs in 4 months. My body is so spent and my diet is so restricted that I fall asleep even when eating some days. I'm that sick. There's no other way to say it.

Someone else asked, "Why are you asking for prayers when you need is money?" The reason why I asked for prayers (before Kiera set up the GoFundMe account) was that I knew God would provide somehow. Again, partial pride was to blame for not asking for money, but I also understand that there are people worse off than we are. I knew that thanks to everyone's prayers, we would either get the funds through work for me (meaning He would give me the physical strength and eyesight to work) or through some other means. Since my eyesight is still horrible (I woke up blind in my right eye twice this morning; I took a nap, which is why I say twice) and they won't give Mom overtime or even a raise, I guess God will provide this way.

I don't expect to reach the $5,000 mark... or even the $1,000 mark. I know that if it's God's will that I get a new car, He'll make sure it happens. I also know that if it's His will that we keep our car and only get enough for the repairs for it, it'll happen. Either way, I've put the situation in His hands. I've also been praying a novena to St. Philomena asking her to intercede so that I can get to Mass more often to fulfill part of my Benedictine oblate responsibilities (and, of course, the car broke down as soon as I started praying for that, lol) and I know that her intercession will also come through for me.

Swallowing any pride I may have left, I'm going to say this: if you feel a tug in your heart to do so, please consider helping out. Any little bit helps. If I could work for it, I would but I can't and we're in a desperate situation. If you can’t donate or share the link, please say a prayer for us. I know God will provide somehow and for what we need, not what we may want.

Anyway, that's it for now. My eyes keep watering from looking at the laptop screen for so long and I want to give them a rest.

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Growing in Trust: My Theresian and Marian Lenten Lessons

“Are you crying because you want to do God’s will or you want God to do your will?”

That's what St. Frances of Rome's confessor asked her when she objected to getting married and asked God to please help her become a nun instead. This is also a phrase that has often popped up in my mind this Lenten season. Don't worry, I won't repeat what I wrote about my impatience and will versus God's will. Instead, I'm going to share something I keep "learning" this Lenten season with a little help from both of my co-patronesses for the year: Our Blessed Mother and St. Therese.

I've been having a very Theresian Lenten season. She's been popping up in my life so much since late last year that I've taken to learning as much as I can about her life this season. I started with the same Lenten book I've been using for the past (nearly) decade, A Lenten Journey with Jesus and St. Therese of Lisieux by Fr. John F. Russell, O. Carm. Then I moved onto A Family of Saints: The Martins of Lisieux‐Saints Thérèse, Louis, and Zélie by Stephane-Joseph Piat (side note: major family goals!) and My Sister, St. Therese by Sr. Genevieve of the Holy Face (a.k.a. Celine Martin).

The more I read, the more I find a kindred spirit in St. Therese... and then more confidence I feel about being myself and expressing my faith in a way that people may ridicule but that would, at least, be authentic. The "flowery" language, the childlike way of looking at things -- I understand it. I feel it deep down... way down because I've tried to bury it because others made fun of me for it. It wasn't until recently that I've allowed myself to be more open about it; even if I end up getting ridiculed for my "innocence."

Another thing I've been learning is in growing in my trust in God. St. Therese had such a beautiful trust in Him as did my model of what true womanhood is: Our Blessed Mother. Mama Mary's fiat is the ultimate example of trust in God. She knew that she would suffer but she still consented to do God's will and only being a "handmaiden of the Lord." That's what I want and hope to eventually go myself to without letting any fears or worries get to me.

Last week I began the 33 Days to Merciful Love: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat in Preparation for Consecration to Divine Mercy by Fr. Michael E. Gaitley, MIC. It's been such a blessing because it's allowed me to dive deeper in what's become my theme for this Lenten season: growing in trust of Him through the examples of both Mama Mary and St. Therese. I know that it was no fluke that somehow both became co-patronesses of the year for me. I also believe that it's no coincidence that I found out which monastery God seems to want me to attach myself as a Benedictine Oblate during this season when I'm so deeply immersed in all of this learning and growth.

Today, I was reminiscing about how many times I've cried to God about what I want without thinking that His will for me might be different. Of course, we can't change His mind but He can also grant us what we keep bugging Him about -- something I've also learned the hard way in the past. I would've avoided a lot of heartaches, stress, and dumb decisions if I had just listened to God's clear signs instead of asking Him to grant me what I wanted; things He allowed me to experience so that I could finally "get" that His plans for me are so much better than my own.

Exactly one week ago today, I learned where I would be headed in a couple of months to begin my Benedictine oblate novitiate. I still don't know how I'm going to pay for it -- I have not figured out any new fundraising ideas nor have I had any new work leads and I only have about a fourth of my goal saved up -- but I'm trusting God to provide a way if it's His will that I go forward with this. Yes, I'm putting what I've been learning this season into practice.

I've already resigned myself to the possibility that I won't be able to begin my Oblate novitiate this upcoming summer and that I will have to delay it for a couple of months -- until the end of the year -- if I can't raise the money in time to put down the retreat deposit and then book my flight. I've never felt more certain or at peace with any decision in my life as I am of not only becoming a Benedictine oblate but also knowing that this particular monastery is the one that He seems to want to be as my spiritual home. But the timeline remains up in the air. The finances are a bit stressful, as is the thought of having to take a plane (flying and I don't mix... at all!) but all my trust is in God.

I feel like this is just the first of many "tests" I will be facing in the next couple of months; experiences that will help me see if I'm growing in my trust of God or if I'm still holding onto my fears and letting them dictate what I do (or don't do). I don't know why but I feel like I'm going to be tested in my trust of God and of doing His will in every area of my life that I've been stagnant in for so long (especially my vocation). I know I'm usually quiet about that area of my life but let's just say that I think I have an inkling that I might know what's going to happen in that area of my life... and that I'm going to have to not only wait a little while longer but that I'll have to be incredibly patient and selfless. I have a feeling I'll become an Oblate before I go forward with my "big v" vocation. Again, just an inkling I've been having for a couple of weeks now; one that I'm surprisingly at peace with.

Anyway, I feel like I'm starting to repeat myself so I'll just leave it at that.

How is everyone else's Lenten season going? Anyone seeing any fruits?

I hope your start of the week has been going well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When the Obstacles Seem Insurmountable...

Lately, my life has been one long journey through a dark, stormy abyss. Think of Atreyu's journey in The Neverending Story. Instead of letting the Swamp of Sadness swallow me whole (R.I.P. Artax the horse), I've been doing what I can to keep myself afloat but it hasn't been easy.

As your regular blog readers know, it's been a hard time for my family. Between financial difficulties and a number of other problems (across the board; not just limited to Mom and me), it's been a long string of stresses.

I'm the one who keeps the household budget (I'm good with numbers and puzzles/conundrums) so I know the most about how bad our situation is. I try to cut out unnecessary expenses and try to figure out where we can save and where we simply cannot skimp. With random things popping up (e.g. unexpected car repairs), I'm constantly trying to figure out where we can come up with the money and what needs to wait until next month. It's a gigantic headache (sometimes literal) that I deal with at least twice a week.

Having no car has meant no confession or Mass. The nearest parish doesn't have Saturday confession and -- when it does offer confession -- it's too late in the day to safely walk to and from it so that makes going to confession hard as well. I hope to get my car back later today... and that the financial strain isn't too bad. We had to put off getting it repaired for a month (I've basically been stuck at home since mid-April) because we simply had no spare money that wasn't put aside for necessities. I got it towed to our mechanic's garage on Tuesday and I'm expecting a call at some point today to let me know the extent of the damage to our meager monthly savings. Please say a prayer it doesn't go over the halfway point of the triple digits because we won't be able to afford that.

Sometimes I wonder how on earth I'm going to make it through x, y, z (because things happen in multiples, not one at a time) with my sanity intact. Worries on top of worries on top of worries. It's like an endless cycle with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes all of these things also affect my spiritual life. If I'm not careful, the devil knows exactly how and when to attack. Not having been able to go to Mass and confession has only added to the hardships. I don't know why but I have a feeling that going to confession and receiving the Eucharist will somehow help. I'm not being superstitious; it's just a gut feeling that I have.

Thankfully, the consecration preparation, holy water, and my prayer life have helped... big time.

Every morning I do the Consecration to Mary prayer ("My queen, my mother, I give myself entirely to thee..."), which was recommended by one of our local FSSP priests when he came over to pray for me the day after my car accident a couple of years ago. Then I read the daily Mass readings, use the reflections sent to my inbox by Bishop Robert Barron and Blessed Is She. Then I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. During my consecration preparation, I've added the daily reflections in the 33 Days to Morning Glory book to this routine.

I also pray a variety of novenas, prayers, and/or the Rosary and the Rosary confraternity prayer throughout the day but, more often than not, I do them at night with my nighttime routine. Again, I use the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary and examine my conscience before I call it a night. If there is something I missed doing in the morning (e.g. consecration preparation or daily Mass readings), I will also do it at this time.

I make use of the holy water we were given by one of our local FSSP priests (when he's been over to the house to bless it for Epiphany) throughout the day. In the morning, before I leave the house (especially if I have to drive), at night... if I feel like I need it, I will use it.

I think I'm so used to my routine -- used to trying to cling to my faith during these times of chaos -- that if I miss something at some point, I feel more vulnerable in a way. Not to the point of superstition, scrupulosity, or anything like that. I just tend to notice any deviation from my routine... and it's this routine that helps remind me that I shouldn't be egocentric.

It's so easy to get caught up in your worries. I've personally found myself being pulled more into my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own hardships. I don't like that I think more about myself and what is going on with me than about others and/or about God... but it's hard. And, okay, I know some of my good friends are currently ready to file a formal protest for having said that -- I've even had priests tell me I'm too hard on myself -- but I truly feel selfish during these times and I don't like it. I think that's why I hold onto my prayer routine very closely; it's a good reminder that whatever I'm going through is not up to me to "fix."

Sometimes these obstacles seem insurmountable. That's when I have to remember that God is ultimately in charge of everything, not me. Never have the words "Jesus, I Trust In You" been uttered as much as they have in this household before. Never has putting my money where my mouth is been as important as it has been in recent weeks/month. Never have I have challenged in every way as I have lately.

1 Peter 5:7-10 has resonated so much as it has during these trials... especially when I was asked to wait to become a Benedictine oblate; to "revisit this in a couple of months to make sure this is what (I) really want." The evil one knows that this is what I most wanted lately and I won't let the small obstacle get and keep me down.

Yes, life is hard. Yes, it feels like the walls are caving in around me. Yes, it oftentimes feels like things will never get better; that this is just what my life is going to be like from now on -- one bad thing after another. Yet, Scripture (and the saints) says otherwise. The only thing I can do is trust that God will get me through it and that He will give me the courage, the strength, and whatever graces are necessary to get through this time.

I don't see an end to all I've been enduring lately but I think about the heavenly reward that awaits if only I would get my act straight and that's enough to keep me going; to keep me fighting against temptations. It's hard. Some days I just feel like laying in bed and sleeping all day. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. Most importantly, I know that God has my back and that's worth everything.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts lately.

I hope you all had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend as well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Lenten Lesson: Increasing Trust in God

My awesome wingman and I have a sort-of motto we like to remind each other in times of difficulty: "we must increase our trust." I had so much going on during Lent that wingman had to text me a reminder more than once.

Mom and I hemorrhaged money this past month. Our savings are completely depleted. We had new things (car related, health related, etc) pop up all the time and usually in clumps so it created a domino effect. The mechanic who fixed my car (and not well; I'm still paying to get new stuff repaired all the time, which is more $ spent) ended up getting a parking ticket last month but failed to inform me about it. It became a delinquent parking violation -- parking for 72 hours in a 24 hour parking area. I contested the ticket since I did not have the car at the time the ticket was issued but was denied. Before I learned that I had to pay the ticket despite not being in possession of it at the time, I had a little conversation with God. "You are my Father. My earthly father is no longer with us. Please help provide for us. If you wants us to pay for this ticket -- if the mechanic can't pay for it or whatever reason -- we'll pay for it. If justice can be made, great. If not, we'll do Your will."

I didn't get a hold of the mechanic until I got word that I had to pay the ticket... and he sounded terrible. I'm not sure what illness he has but he's definitely still sick. He's thinner than before and he's in dialysis so you know it's bad. We spoke to some of our neighbors the day after I was told the initial review was denied and found out he has about 4-5 kids. If they depend on his income (as a mechanic) and he's too sick to work, maybe he doesn't have the money to pay for it. I believe his house is up for sale, too. Choosing to see it this way, we decided to pay for it ourselves. Sure, our savings are basically gone from all we've had to pay but God always provides.

I also saw my health care coverage being terminated this month. I still think it'll be restored but, at the time I type this, it's set to end today. I received the letter two weeks ago. "Oh, another chance to show God that I trust in Him" I reminded myself as I tried not to stress out. Apparently they received my yearly redetermination last July (you know, what the chips hit the fan in general for me) but all my data mysteriously came up blank. They literally have a blank where my data was. I had to fax and mail them several forms needed to show that I was still eligible for it. As of now, I cannot make any doctor's appointments. There's something I'm a bit concerned about that needs to be looked at but will have to taken care of until I hear back from my provider. My dairy allergy test is on hold, which should've been done this month. My CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) sessions are on hold, which is a pity because I was making progress. I still get very tense and anxious when I feel a car is close to hitting me (PTSD) so I kind of need that therapy. We postponed the next one until the following week, hoping we'll know something by next week.

These are just some examples of what I've been going through this past month. Most started about two weeks into Lent and they're still going. All of this would've normally stressed me out but I keep trying to remind myself to trust God. Yesterday I took one of the stressful things I'm dealing with and had a conversation with God. "Please give me the strength and courage to handle this. It keeps popping up in mind, please help me put it out of my mind so I won't get too stressed out."

Life is uncertain. We won't always know what's in store for us. This Lent, balance and moderation, rearranging priorities, and letting go of perfection were all pieces of a larger picture: increasing my trust in God.  Everything I've gone through in the past couple of months (but most especially during Lent) have been about letting go and trusting God. Our savings are gone? God will help provide, whether it be a job I can do while in school or some other way. My car still needs a lot of work? God will provide help with whatever is absolutely necessary (i.e. air conditioning not working; windshield wiper motors not working). My health care coverage terminated? God will make things right, or help me figure out what to do if they (unjustly) decide to truly deny me coverage. My mind being so overloaded with stress that my concentration is shot right before I start my first class back to JP Catholic? God will help. I've got novenas to Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (who died a few credits short of his degree) and the Divine Mercy going now; a novena to the Holy Spirit coming up as soon as both of the first novenas are one. Nothing is impossible with God. I'll keep reminding myself of that every time I feel my anxiety and stress levels rising.

I think that's it for my Lenten lessons series. I had a beautiful and fruitful Lenten season despite all the lows. God has shown me how wonderful life is despite all the "crosses" we carry and for that I'm grateful. :)

Alright, I should go eat a bit more to eat. My stomach has been off lately and I haven't eating as well as I should. I ate a little bit  I feel my blood sugar level dropping a bit so I'll go take care of that. :)

Oh, how God provides!!! As I was writing the ending to this post, I received a call from someone who works with my therapist: they'll provide the rest of my counseling for free as long as I return the paperwork they're sending me to my therapist when I return to my sessions next week. I qualify for free sessions. See?! God is good and He provides!

Okay, food... right... gotta eat. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D