Why the Last Month Has Been a Living Hell For Me (and It's Not COVID-19 Related)

This past month has been an absolute nightmare for me. Coronavirus lockdown aside, it took us over a month to figure out why I've had such an intense health relapse in the past month... but, really, the last couple of months altogether. The reason: a really, really bad allergic reaction to the back-to-back amoxicillin rounds I had taken for my molar infections.

When I used to think "allergic reaction," I thought of wheezing, throat-closing, facial features swelling, eyes watering, etc. You know -- the severe reaction. I never thought it could have a delay and that the physical manifestations would be as bad or surprisingly odd as I've had them.

I've experienced:
- Insomnia for weeks. That has now been followed by my recent inability to stay awake during the day as a result of weeks worth of being unable to sleep more than 3-4 hours per day.
- A skin rash that I thought was due to the stress I was under. Nope.
- Really, really bad jitteriness and anxiety. My anxiety actually wasn't as bad the first time I took amoxicillin as it has been this time around... and we were chalking it up to anxiety over the coronavirus. It may still be a combo of the two.
- My mental health going into deep depression mode. Again, we were blaming it on my failing health and the coronavirus situation, which may still have a part in it.
- My mental fog and the inability to concentrate, which has made me an unreliable writer for my poor bosses. Mercifully, they've been understanding.
- My platelets tanking under 100k (76k the first time, 96k this time).
- Possibly the daily, strong heart palpitations I've been experiencing. The first time I experienced crazy strong (but not too fast) palpitations was during one of the last doses I took. We thought it was anxiety. Nope. My doctor said, in hindsight, it was most likely a reaction to the dose since it started half an hour after I took it.
- Other things that I haven't mentioned.

Everything that has happened (and the new stuff) seems to be following the same pattern from last autumn (the first time I took amoxicillin). Some symptoms (e.g. jitteriness, extremely daytime sleepiness following insomnia, how "angry" the skin rashes look) have been worse this time. Others (platelets falling to 96k instead of 76k, the number of bumps from the rash overall) have been better.

 A few days ago marked the 30-day mark of when I took my last dose and you can tell I'm just now starting to detox from the effects. The rash started to fade on the day after I finished the Bl. Solanus Casey novena (which many of you prayed with me; thank you!). I'm starting to sleep more (a lot more; accompanied by jitteriness when I wake up). My mental fog is starting to lift and my mental health is improving. Yay for no longer being a depressed little robot!

I didn't start feeling like myself until Easter Sunday, which was coincidentally the month-mark of when I took my last dose. Theoretically, it should take 4-6 more weeks for this to clear up so here's hoping it'll continue and that the detox process gets easier in the next couple of weeks than it's been lately.

I would be lying if I said I haven't been scared this past month. I've been terrified. It's now day 34 since I last took a dose and we just figured out that all of this has been because of the amoxicillin. Again, this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't started the novena -- my doctor (who still hasn't seen me, btw; she's only gone on what I and the urgent care physician's assistant have told her) thought my rash was another skin issue. Even the PA didn't think it was an amoxicillin rash either. It wasn't until the novena was about halfway through that my doctor called to tell me that it did seem like it was an allergic reaction to the amoxicillin after all. That's also around the time that the previous pattern began showing up and it became an "OH I wonder if this is..." moment. After the novena ended, the rest of the puzzle pieces began to slot together and completed the picture. It's been worse this time around because I had to take a week's worth of antibiotics to take in late January-early February and a second-round in early March-mid March. It didn't give my body enough time to detox in between doses.

The last 2-3 days have been easier with the heart palpitations but worse with the jitteriness following naps during the day. Those closest to me have gotten panicked texts from me because of how absolutely terrible I crash and how panicked and odd I wake up feeling. Again, I had a similar reaction the first time around but it's been amplified about 10 times this time around, most likely because of the back-to-back doses.

I'm supposed to be taking Zyrtec for the allergic reaction but I've been sleeping most of my day away and I haven't been able to mentally prepare myself to take it in the few hours I am awake. To be honest, I'm afraid of an allergic reaction to the Zyrtec because of the medical PTSD of previous reactions to Benadryl and now the recent amoxicillin allergy.

And before you say, "But you're supposed to trust God." Yes, I do trust God but my mind (and the PTSD) right now is, unfortunately, is affecting my ability to think rationally. That doesn't mean I don't trust God. Remember, the amoxicillin greatly affected my mental health -- it literally messed with my brain chemistry. So, I'm just now starting to think rationally; to think more clearly. Remember the news of the young priest who committed suicide a few weeks ago as a result of a medication he was taking for GI problems; how it messed up his brain chemistry? Think along those lines for me, except I thankfully never contemplated ending my life. I was morbid in thinking I was going to die soon, I'll admit that, but not because I had any intentions of harming myself. Quite the opposite, I became hypervigilant of what was exacerbating symptoms so that I would feel better and get myself on a fast track to being on the mend so I could give myself more time to get to the confessional (whenever confessions are allowed again).

The fact that I went to the dentist this morning and that didn't have a panic attack nor was I paranoid about it pretty much confirmed that the effects are wearing off. (Side note: the appointment was considered a potential emergency situation; I was given more antibiotics as a precaution that I'm not taking unless I need to; it was given to buy more time while the lockdown is lifted and molar extractions are okayed by my insurance and the government since it's not an immediate emergency situation). Also, the fact that I'm not feeling depressed and morbid -- I actually feel like myself for the first time in weeks! -- is a good sign. I'm finally able to pray and say "Jesus, I trust in You" without any apprehension. I hadn't had more than a few hours of that trust and confidence in God for weeks when the next wave would hit. Yeah, those pills messed me up that bad.

I've spent the last 4-5 weeks unable to watch most Masses or pray because of how intense my mental fog or fatigue has been. I've been able to concentrate on my prayers for the first time in over a month in the last 2-3 days. My spiritual life took a massive beating. I hadn't been able to really do much for my vocation discernment, either, which I thought was bizarre but now makes sense. I wasn't sure if it was a spiritual attack or something else but it looks like we now have our answer. It could very well be a mix of the two -- a spiritual attack and a chemical imbalance, who knows!

So, that's where I've been lately... and why I haven't been blogging. That's why I kept asking for prayers on social media. I'm incredibly grateful to a lovely blog reader who suggested I ask Bl. Solanus Casey for this intercession because, thanks to that novena, we got answers to why my body had begun breaking down on me. Like I said, it wasn't until the novena was ending that the pattern began to emerge and things became clearer.

I pray that I can either start taking the Zyrtec tomorrow (I don't have to get up early for the first time in weeks) and/or that the rest of the effects begin to subside without my the jitteriness and other effects getting worse. Sure, most of the other physical symptoms are getting better but the anxiety is probably now peaking and the sleeping thing is just horrible to endure every time I wake up from a nap. 

Let it put it this way: Imagine that you've been sleep deprived for 24 straight hours after running a marathon all day. You're so tired but you can't sleep for some reason. Then, just as you finally settle to sleep, someone wakes you up in the most intense and frightening away, making your heart race and your body shake from the nerves. Amplify it a couple more times and you can maybe begin to imagine what I feel some naps. Sometimes my heart is racing, Yesterday it was beating at a weird rhythm for a bit and I was terrified until two first said they had similar experiences and that it probably meant I woke up at a weird REM stage. And, yes, the naps are absolutely necessary. I'm not fighting them. I'll fall asleep while eating sitting up anyway; I'm that physically exhausted at this point.

Please continue to pray for me. I'm going to call my doctor again tomorrow (I know she must be tired of getting 2-3 calls from me per week but I've had to update her on my evolving conditions) and see if we can't come up with a better game plan to make the rest of the detox process smoother. Also, please pray that there aren't any more surprises during the detox process. Yesterday's weird palpitations and yesterday and today's intense jitteriness post-naps have been new and very unnerving. Again, if I have to take the Zyrtec to minimize the effects I will but I'll be praying that I'm able to tolerate it better than other meds and that I don't get additional reactions or side effects from it.

I hope to get back into the swing of things around this blog now that I'm starting to slowly mend. I have a couple of posts planned in the upcoming week that, God willing, will actually be posted on time. Fingers crossed the fatigue lessens.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

The Coronavirus Pandemic from the POV of a Chronically Ill Catholic

I just got off the phone with my doctor. She told me to ask friends to get the medication she ordered for me (and, eventually, food) because I need to stay at home during this time.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

I would be lying if I said I didn't experience at least one minor anxiety attack per day when (I'm sure) well-meaning people trying to "prepare" me with stats and facts go overboard.

I would be lying if I said that I don't cry every day from feeling overwhelmed by everything going on. Putting aside my own selfish fears for myself, as an HSP, I easily absorb the feelings of those around me so I feel it all.

The CDC released a list of 10 medical conditions that are most at risk for "severe coronavirus illness". On that was list was blood disorders... which I have.

I've suffered from chronic thrombocytopenia (low platelets) for over 12 years now. I've had chronic anemia (on and off) for the past 5-6 years. I also occasionally have pancytopenia, meaning that my platelets, red and white blood counts are all under normal count from time to time.

I also have additional factors that put me at risk -- a liver issue they're still trying to figure out, malnutrition from the multiple food allergies that have severely restricted my diet (I can only have 4-5 foods... period), and I'm underweight from the restricted diet and recently emotional toll of family and relationship problems I faced. They're also trying to figure out which autoimmune disease may be causing my bilateral optic nerve edemas as well as my other health problems. Right now, the two that are most likely are MCAS or Sjogren's Syndrome.

My mother, who is 65, works in a convalescent hospital where about 99% of the patients are over 75 years old. She has her own medical issues that put her at risk. With the news and everyone talking about the coronavirus 24/7, is it any wonder we're both stressed out?

That's part of the reason why I decided to take a break from Twitter. Yes, the other part was because people were being rude. I've received threats. I've been stalked. I've been made to feel like I'm absolute trash unworthy to call myself a Catholic or even a decent human being. I've had people twist my words and/or imply that I was an idiot because I've asked for prayers when I've faced difficult situations.

Some people act like they know my body and my medical history better than I do, scaring me by telling me my heartburn (which I've dealt with since my teens) is really a symptom of a heart attack and that I'm a complete idiot for not going to the ER because they are a doctor/EMT/nurse and they know better than I, a simpleton, do. Yes, please, advise me to go to the ER for a bad GERD/heartburn flare-up almost identical to all the those I've experienced before... during a time where it could be potentially dangerous for me to contract something more severe. And, for the record, yes, I just spoke to my doctor about how bad the heartburn got and she advised me to take medication, go on a bland diet, and drink a lot of water for it. But, please, continue telling me I'm an idiot for not going to the ER.

All of these things, plus news of the pandemic, have been taxing on my mental health... which exacerbates the physical symptoms, acid reflux included. It's a never-ending cycle, y'all.

Crying is how I release the tension when I feel overwhelmed. Crying... and prayer.

Prayer hasn't been easy for me these days. My mind wanders easily; jumps straight into all the fears for my health and those of my loved ones (mother, brother, friends, etc.) I can't concentrate. I occasionally have to force myself to go through my daily prayer routine but I get it done. This is what the devil wants. He wants us to focus on ourselves and our fears (he loves when we live in fear) and turn our back on God during these difficult moments. While it's hard, given our fallen human nature, to not think about our fears and ourselves, we must try.

I was blessed to have prayed the Rosary with two of my good friends via FaceTime audio earlier today. It was one of the handfuls of times this week I was able to concentrate a bit better while praying. I hope to continue being able to pray with them (and other friends) while we're on lockdown because it does help. I'm stuck at home all day and since my mom works 5 days a week, I'm often by myself. I know I'm an introvert but science has proven that we do need a little bit of human interaction now and then, especially those of us who are sick.

I agree that it's been awful to have public Masses canceled but I understand why the decision was made. Trust me, I have prayed for months to be able to attend daily Mass... and I was finally getting that desire fulfilled. I went from attending daily Mass to having to stay home because of the risks, something I struggled with obeying. My initial reaction was "flip that table! I'm going to Mass, virus or no virus!" In fact, when I went to my last Mass a week ago, I went knowing I was risking it... and I spent the entire Mass with palpitations. After that impulse calmed down and I really thought about how God would want me to take care of the body He gave me -- and knowing that I was dispensed from the obligation of attending Mass -- I made the decision to obey. Obedience is a pillar in the Benedictine spirituality and one that has been hard for me to cultivate as a very stubborn and independent person. I keep trying to remember that those who are spiritually more mature and have more medical knowledge than I do have placed these rules for a reason so I will humbly submit to them.

Thankfully, I've always known of additional resources for when I'm stuck at home -- I've even written two articles on it for EpicPew (4 Ways to Experience the Mass Even If You're Stuck at Home and Discover These Underutilized Catholic Websites And Resources!). I can watch Mass, even do holy hours, via online websites. Does that mean it's an easy transition for me? No! It's still difficult for me to be away from my parish and the Sacraments. Do you think I want to be away from my Beloved, in the tabernacle or the adoration chapel, just when I've realized that I want nothing more than to be His future bride as a consecrated virgin? No! It's especially painful for me right now; right when I've finally figured out what my true vocation is. Still, I obey... and I remind myself that He is with me, even when I'm at home.

Oh, and for those who may be new to the blog... this isn't the first time I've been without the Sacraments for a long period of time. I've gone several months without the Eucharist before (when I was put on a gluten-free diet and before I was able to receive low-gluten hosts) so this isn't new territory for me... but it's somehow now harder than ever because of where I am in my spiritual life and vocation discernment.

Instead of dumping on poor Archbishop Gomez like so many other people are doing, I'm going to personally thank him. As a chronically ill Catholic, I know what it feels like to be thought of as a burden to others -- to those who are healthy and are "punished" because some of us are physically weaker than them. I understand the frustration of those who want to be able to attend Mass and receive the Sacraments but can't because "weaklings" like me could be exposed to something, if not directly than through contact with someone in our family who is healthy and attended Mass but was possibly infected by someone else who is in a low-risk group. Yes, we need Christ and the Sacraments now more than ever, but he made an extremely difficult decision because he, as the spiritual father of the Los Angeles Archdiocese, wanted to err on the side of caution. It's called prudence and it's a virtue, y'all. And, who says God isn't with us in our homes and wherever we are at all times?

Do you think it was a decision Archbishop Gomez (and, likewise, other spiritual leaders across the States and worldwide) made lightly? No. I've heard from several sources that those closest to our Archbishop say it was a difficult decision for him to make; one that weighed heavily on him. He cares about us and our well being, no matter what some people say. I don't even want to hear from those of you who are calling him a coward or saying that he cares more about our bodies than our souls. Now is not the time to be uncharitable. Now is the time to get together and pray for our priests who are at the front of the line. They are the ones who, along with those in the medical fields, will be dealing with folks severely infected with the virus. They will be administering the anointing of the sick and/or last rites. They are the ones who will risk their own safety and health for others.

Need I remind y'all that receiving the Eucharist frequently is a luxury we've all gotten used to.. and often take for granted? I've read that St. Therese only received it once a month. Those who live in rural areas who share a priest with multiple other communities don't have that same luxury we do. We have spiritual communion we can do that is completely valid; something we can do multiple times per day from what I've learned.

We have the gift of technology that allows us to watch Mass being celebrated. We can get together with others at a distance to pray together; to bring comfort to one another during these trials through a variety of different platforms. I even had the opportunity to receive impromptu spiritual direction via FaceTime because I was unable to leave the house at the last minute yesterday (guess whose car broke down... again). We have so many resources at our disposals and we have so many opportunities to use social media and the internet to spread the Good News and bring God to others, yet we're using it to tear one another apart; to bring negativity and division instead of unity.

I know that my saying all of this will fall on deaf ears to some but I hope others will try to see things from the POV of someone like me.

I don't want to see negativity on my social media timelines, it doesn't do me any good -- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or even physically (since my emotional health tends to be closely tied to my physical wellbeing).

I don't want people attacking anyone else, whether they're personally attacking me or someone else whose views differ from theirs.

I want us to unite, as the body of Christ, and pray for one another. Not just for those of us a risk but everyone else. Odds are you know someone -- a family member, a friend, a coworker, an acquaintance, your own parish priest -- who is at risk. Pray for them.

Pray for those in the medical field. Doctors, specialists, nurses, EMTs, even the staff at clinics and hospitals. They are at the front of the line... and then go home to their families who are also put at risk.

Pray for priests, even the young and healthy ones, who will witness so much suffering -- even if that suffering is in the form of devout parishioners begging them to do "underground" Masses because they're so desperate to receive the Eucharist.

Pray for those who have been infected, whether they're in recovery or are still suffering. Pray for their loved ones who hurt seeing them suffer.

Pray for the souls of those who've lost their lives due to this virus as well as their families and friends who are grieving.

Pray for those who are poor in spirit; those who reject God and those who don't know Him out of ignorance.

If you're a fellow chronic illness sufferer, may I suggest offering up our aches and pains -- physical, emotional, and mental -- for others? We have such a gift to give by uniting our suffering with that of Christ on the Cross. As Pope St. John Paul II reminded us in Salvific Doloris, we can offer up our suffering for the good of others. Think about it, Jesus was surrounded by those who were suffering before He Himself suffered the agony on the Cross. He knows what we're going through... and knew pain and agony far worse than we will experience. The graces He will pour out into the world will be greater and sweeter because He knows how much pain we're in and how much courage it takes to endure the pain for the sake of others.

Anyway, I just wanted to put my two cents in because I haven't seen anyone else share anything close to this on social media. Granted, I'm not on Twitter right now (well, not a public account) but I'm sure something would've eventually trickled in through friends.

I hope you're all trying to stay as calm as possible during this time. I know it's much easier said than done. However, I also think that we can grow by leaps and bounds during this time. God wanted us to be alive at this point in time for a reason. God will undoubtedly help us learn how to better achieve sainthood through these difficult circumstances, we just need to be open to it.

Please remember His commandments: Love Him first and foremost and love thy neighbor as thyself. Praise Him even when things seem to have hit rock bottom (a la Job) and be charitable towards one another.

Alright, getting off my soapbox now. I hope you're all doing well (all things considering).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

I've Resigned Myself to Giving Up on This Lifelong Battle

Ask anyone who has ever known me well enough and they'll tell you that I've been trying to escape from Los Angeles pretty much my entire life.

I was born and bred here... and I'm still stuck here.

Any and every single attempt to leave has been thwarted over the years.

I tried to go to Bath Spa University in Bath, England... and I ended up staying to help take care of my father in his final years of life.

After he passed, I applied to the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, British Columbia (my dream school) but I ended up having to stay because my mom was not in a good place, physically, mentally, or emotionally. Would you be after losing your husband of 26 years?

Last year, I spent the last 6 months of the year trying to leave California but back-to-back health and financial issues would come up every single time I tried to leave. If it wasn't one thing, it was the other... or both.

"It sounds like God wants you to stay," my spiritual director said to me last October.

I didn't like the sound of that. I wanted to leave. I've never really felt "at home" in my hometown, even as a child. Why was God keeping me here? There are so many things that are unhealthy for me here -- so much toxicity. I don't feel comfortable enough sharing what these things are with complete strangers but those close to me know what I'm talking about -- and have all tried to get me out of Los Angeles for those same reasons. Still, no matter what any of us did -- even threats to come from out of state and, basically, physically carry me out -- plans fell apart.

Then November happened. November was when it became abundantly clear that God wanted me to pursue the discernment of consecrated virginity. It meant (as almost all of you know) letting go of plans to get married and move out of state to his hometown. It also meant that I had to think about what I was going to do because consecrated virgins are tied to their home diocese.

That was one of the first obstacles I wrestled with at the beginning of the discernment. "Wait, I have to stay in Los Angeles?1 Can't I just discern somewhere else and stay there?" I seriously considered it but, no, God kept making it clear that He wants me here. As my (now former) SD said, we may not why God wants me to here (and probably won't in this lifetime) but He wants me here for a reason.

I fought my "fate" for so long... until I just decided to give up. I gave up on trying to leave Los Angeles and (much to my friends' vexations) my mother's house.

"Okay, God," I said. "You want me here? I'll stay. I don't know why but Your will be done, not mine."

Was I happy? Not one bit. But if God wanted me here it was for a good reason, right?

Recently, I was chatting with a priest friend about this -- how I always tried to leave but, for whatever reason, God wanted me here. At that point, I had resigned myself to it and stated as much. Then he said something that I'll never forget -- (paraphrasing): God wants us here because He has big plans for Los Angeles... and we're part of it.

I had never thought about it that way. I had only thought about it from my own selfish POV. I wanted to leave. I didn't feel comfortable here. I didn't understand why I had to stay. When my priest friend said this, it all started making sense to me... especially in terms of my vocation.

If, God willing, I am called to become a consecrated virgin for the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, one of my "duties" will be to pray for those in the archdiocese, especially the archbishop and priests. It will mean that I will be giving back to the archdiocese in ways that very few people will be able to. Given the history of how, ahem, liberal and how many scandals have surrounded the archdiocese, perhaps that's why God wants me here.

A few months ago my Oblate Master reminded me of a great gift I can give to the Church -- my sufferings. As someone who is chronically ill, I can offer up the pains and sufferings to the Church -- for the Pope, the clergy, the whole Church. As a consecrated virgin tied to her archdiocese, I'd be able to offer up any future sufferings specifically for those in my hometown. Maybe that's God wants me here... and why He's calling me to this beautiful vocation.

I'm not sure if that's the reason why I'm staying here; part of why I feel called to become a consecrated virgin. All I know is that I've always felt a deep desire to give more of myself to others; to offer up as much of myself as I can to the Church and, ultimately, God. If this is the best way I can do it, I welcome it.

I resign myself to giving up my lifelong battle to leave Los Angeles. I accept the possibility of staying here for the rest of my life if I can make the smallest difference; even if all I do is offer up my ailments and other crosses I bear.

Anyway, this was a "quick" post to share some of my thoughts.

I've been wanting to blog for a while but life has gotten busy lately -- a good kind of busy. I hope to be able to blog more this month but we'll see how it works out with my Lenten plans. I'll be away from my laptop (and screens in general) more often so more frequent posts aren't guaranteed.

Thank you to all of you who've been praying for me -- for my vocation, my health, and the car issues (the latter of which have been resolved!). I will continue to pray for y'all as well.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

How the 54-day Rosary Novena Kept Me From Getting Married

Yes, controversial title but... you'll see what I mean by the time you get to the end of this post.

Last Tuesday, we left our apartment just as dawn was breaking. It was a beautiful but chilly (for L.A. standards) start of the day. I had two books in my hand — Three to Get Married by Ven. Fulton Sheen and And You Are Christ’s by Fr. Thomas Dubay SM. One for a writing assignment, the other for my personal discernment.

Since I still don’t have a car, we had a taxi waiting for us at the front gate of our building. We climbed in and made our way to pick up another client (we are part of a next-day ride-share program). I put on my broken headphones, one side (the broken one) dangling from my ear. Nope, I can't afford to replace those yet. As long as one side still works, I don't care how silly it looks.

I had turned on my iPod touch almost from the minute I got into the taxi so the music was playing (like always on a long commute/trip), providing me background noise to drown out the familiar buzz of early morning traffic.

At some point, the music stopped being background noise. He popped into my mind just as “She Said” by Brie Larson (yes, Brie "Captain Marvel" Larson) started playing. I thought it was odd that my mind chose to focus on this particular song since it reminds me of my pre-reversion life, particularly of my time as a freshman at Santa Monica College. This is at least 3-4 years before I met him.

I don't think I need to tell y'all who he is. Since this is a post on my vocation discernment journey and I've been open about the fact that I was in wedding plan mode with someone late last year.

Anyway, I wasn't anticipating his suddenly popping up in my mind just as the following lyrics were being warbled:

“You can’t get inside my head,
Can’t be my safety net...

... I might hit the ground,
But, at least, I’ll have a story to tell,
She said, ‘I gotta find out for myself.’”

I listened to the song a couple more times to really remember the lyrics (it’s been years). I looked down at my two books on my lap and it struck me how appropriate the song was for me at the moment.

He was my safety net. With 11+ years of friendship under our belts before we even brought up the possibility of a relationship, let alone marriage, we had a history. He was one of my best friends. He was always there for me when I felt like I was floundering; like I needed someone to pull me out of a raging sea I couldn’t swim or even float in. Still, I kept him an arms-length away at all times.

In the months since I got the courage to pull the plug, I often wondered why that was. I thought it was because that’s how I was; overly-cautious and perhaps not as loving as I always thought I was. Listening to the song -- and the week of pondering that followed -- made me realize why that was: I somehow I always knew that I wasn't meant to get married, no matter how much I wanted it and how hard it would be to let go of that "safety net." It, unfortunately, took me a long time to realize it and accept it. The clues were there all along but I ignored them. Being a disappointment to my mother -- who desires grandbabies -- also played a factor in it but that's a different story.

During those 5 months when the fella and I (quickly) went from friends to discerning marriage, I saw parts of myself I didn’t like. I felt less and less like myself as things progressed. In fact, I ended up hating myself. I was changing, and not for the better. I didn’t like who I was becoming. I felt pulled away from God and I hated it. As awful as it sounds, I couldn't bear the thought of my heart not belonging solely to Him; of it being shared with someone else. I hated how far away I felt from God and how, the further it went on, the easier it became for me to accept temptations to sin without caring what happened. Massive red flag right there.

It was during this time that I began doing the 54-day Rosary novena. One of the initial intentions was for the fella and I to do God's will. I didn't make it past day 9 (the last day of the first of the 6 back-to-back novenas within the larger novena) when I knew, in my heart, that God was showing me a different path. As the novena continued, I stubbornly tried to dismiss what God was placing in my heart. I wanted to get married, and especially to him. He was (on paper) my perfect match. I wanted a family. God couldn't have possibly placed the desire to be married and discern marriage with the fella unless it was His will... right?

To my surprise, my prayers began to change on day 10 of the novena. No longer was I praying for our marriage; I was praying for us to do God's will, even if that meant not sharing our lives together. The more obvious it became that God didn't seem to be calling us to marriage, the more specific my intentions became. At some point, I began asking Mama Mary to lead me to my future spouse, whoever he may be... "even if my future Spouse is actually your Son."

The first time I said it out loud, I didn't even think about it; it completely slipped out! I was caught off-guard as I had no intention of saying those words. The longer I prayed the novena, the more I prayed for us both to do God's will... and the easier it became for me to add the intention of knowing whether my future spouse was actually Christ.

Before the novena ended, I knew what I had to do. I was dreading doing it because I didn't want to hurt him. For weeks I tried to gather all the courage I could muster to tell him. I was afraid of how he would react. I didn’t want to lose his friendship but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to him for me to drag it out. I knew I couldn’t marry him. God had made that abundantly clear after the first 9 days of the novena. No, Christ wanted me for Himself... and I was willing to give Him all of my heart and all that I have.

I wondered if the fella knew what was going on. Ask anyone who knows me; I can’t fake anything to save my life. You always know where you stand with me and you know when something is weighing heavily on my mind. It wasn't until last week -- after months of silence -- that I got the confirmation that he knew something was up even before I said anything. That's all I'm going to say regarding that.

Since last Tuesday, I've been reflecting on my life and my past relationships. As I shared on my Instagram post yesterday, it seems like God had placed the desire to belong solely to Him during childhood. When I was only 6-8 years old (as I entered the age of reason), I used to tell people that I was going to become a nun. It was the dream. Yes, I fell in love with Jesus at that early age. Attending Mass was the highlight of my week. I can even remember 8-year-old me taking a little white, plastic cross to school that said "I love Jesus" and proudly showing it off to my friends... at a secular elementary school. They would look at me like I was crazy but I felt it. I loved Jesus.

Eventually, I left strayed from the Church. After I made my First Communion and was Confirmed, my "cafeteria Catholic" parents (and my poorly catechized self) didn't see the point in attending Mass since I "no longer had the obligation" to. From ages 13 to 21, I was away from the Church... and I was boy-crazy. I always had a boyfriend or a crush.

A lot happened during that time -- during my "crazy" teen years -- but I still identified myself as Catholic. And despite my flirtation with the entertainment business during those years, I somehow managed to avoid becoming a #MeToo casualty. I was also able to avoid temptations despite "invitations" in my late teens and early 20s, something I credit to both the Holy Spirit and my Guardian Angel -- especially the latter since God knows what dangers I faced during those years.

I'm willing to bet that none of you remember this, but, a little over a year ago, I heard the words "Let Jesus court you" after praying the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary... the same one he gave me years ago. You can go ahead and read the post for yourself; I can't make that up -- it's been there for over a year! As I stated then, I had begun making peace with the fact that God was probably calling me to stay single. I didn't understand why I heard "Let Jesus court you" then -- and especially while I was discerning marriage with the fella -- but I do now.

During the previous 54-day Rosary novena (2018), I had prayed to get to know my future husband. I thought my answers had been answered with one of my best friends. In hindsight, I'm thinking that perhaps God wanted me to discern marriage so I wouldn't always wonder "what if..." I'm very much the type of person to do that; always wonder what might've been if only I had *fill in the blank.*

After having discerned marriage with someone who is probably the closest I will get to my ideal (earthly) match, I no longer wonder "what if..." I had found someone who wanted to marry me (and vice versa); my "perfect match." Yet, he couldn't fill that God-shaped hole in my heart. Looking back, I can now see that neither he nor the one who taught me about true, unselfish love nor anyone else worked out because God was saving my heart for Himself.

It took two consecutive 54-day Rosary novenas (and countless others over the years), but I truly believe my prayers have been answered. It kept me from getting married in the traditional sense, but it gave me something greater: the sense that I have finally found my true future Spouse. I can now say that easily and without reservations.

The idea of being a bride of Christ and giving my whole heart and life to Him fills my eyes with joyful tears; my heart with overflowing love. Even if Archbishop Gomez doesn't believe I'm meant to become a consecrated virgin (as in, making it a public declaration), I know that making private vows will be something I want to do with my whole heart.

By the way, the last song I listened to on the trip that led to this past week's reflections? “Noticed” by Mute Math, from the same album that was the soundtrack to my reversion in 2006!

The lyrics?

“And all this time oblivious to what you make so obvious,
I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before...”

“And all this time it was staring me blind,
I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before...”

“The only time I ever noticed my heart was when I noticed you...”

Yes, the only time I ever noticed my heart was when I noticed You, Lord.

Anyway, just sharing these thoughts I wanted to share. Everyone's vocation discernment story is different. I'm glad I have a place to share mine as it unfolds.

Okay, that's enough "soul-baring" for now. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

The End of My Digital Detox: The Dread and Humility

Three days.

I'm three days away from the end of my self-imposed digital detox month and I'm utterly dreading it. I mean, technically, I can stay off social media indefinitely but I really can't due to work. I've already had work-related issues due to my inability to be active on social media. I promised one of my editors that I would return to social media after this weekend because of that problem. Insert sigh here.

Note to self: if God ever wants me to take up a different career path, ask that it's one where I don't need to use social media for said job. Yes, His will be done, not mine, but it can't hurt to ask nonetheless. More on this in a bit.

I'm not dreading returning to social media because of the content but because of two big reasons:

1) I know I'm still having trouble exercising moderation...

and

2) I need the disconnect for the sake of my humility.

The first is a fear of returning and not having the willpower to not get sucked into it again. Moderation is the next thing I'm tackling in my quest to become a better version of myself and my return to social media is going to seriously test that. I have been having issues moderating a lot of things in my life, including the good things. In a nutshell, I get so laser-focused on and into something that I have problems stopping to do something else. It can be reading a good book, listening to a podcast or audiobook, writing, etc. I never noticed what a big problem it was until I was forced to really look at myself and see where my weaknesses are.

Actually, no. I take that back. I noticed it just once before: when I get "in the zone" when working on my latest novel and I forget to eat or drink because I'm so focused on getting everything down before I forget the idea that's in my head. However, I thought it was just an issue when I worked on novels. It took this detox to see that, nope, it's something that is a reoccurring issue and one I need to address.

As a Benedictine Oblate novice, I know I need to work on moderation because that's what St. Benedict prescribes in the Holy Rule. That's why our motto is Ora et labora -- prayer and work. We can't just focus on a single thing. We need that balance. And one of the biggest things I need to work on is not to do too much. Even doing too much is frowned upon. I think most (non-religious) people today would think that St. Benedict's Rule is too soft or useless because he actually advises against the workaholic and busyness tendencies that are so prevalent in our society. If you're not constantly doing something, that judgment (whether real or imagine) is there. Instead, moderation is advised. Work, prayer, leisure, food, etc. should be done in moderation. It's wonderful advice and I highly recommend reading the Rule even if you're not attracted to the Benedictine spirituality.

So, yes, I'm dreading it because I know I'm still a weakling when it comes to moderation but there is an even greater dread: the lack of humility that may come with it.

See, being on social media contributes to one's egoism... or, at least, it does to me. Yes, words of affirmation is my second love language (after quality time) but sometimes the compliments are a little too, well, ego-inflating. To be completely honest, sometimes the compliments go to my head even when I don't want them to. I recognize that God has given me a gift for words but having too many compliments isn't healthy for me. That's why I think I've loved being away from social media. Nothing seeing how many "likes" a tweet or shared link gets -- and not knowing who has liked it or who hasn't bothered -- is amazingly freeing.

Furthermore, not being so hyper-connected helped me see just how few friends I actually have. There were probably only half a dozen people with whom I had regular contact with over this break. People who I thought would stay in touch -- people whose contact information I asked for and who I gave my information to -- have been absent these last 29 days. Do you know how humbling it is to realize how many people don't actually care about what's going on with you? It's fantastic! Yes, I truly mean that.

It's done me a world of good to see how completely and utterly unimportant I am. For all I know, only I will ever read this blog post... and that's okay. In fact, that takes a lot of pressure off of me because I don't feel like people expect me to write or be something that I'm not. It's also made me realize that what I truly want is to live my life in the way that I believe God wants for me and to not care about what others think.

As I've already mentioned in Ch-ch-changes: Reflections and Changes Following My Digital Detox Month, I'm changing the way I use social media for my own good. There are three big changes I'm implementing:

1. I will check social media only once a day, twice a week. I'm serious. I'll check in on Sundays and on Thursdays... and only for a total half hour each time. Trust me, I've come to see just how little I actually need social media. I'll most likely check at the end of the day, too.

2. I will only post as necessary; as I have been doing during the digital detox. Not only will I be cognizant of how often I post...

3. I'm also going to be more careful about what I communicate. Silence and only speaking when necessary are instructed in the Rule. As I had mentioned in the Ch-ch-changes post, my beloved Monks of Norcia have adopted this practice. I've seen the fruits of it, not just with the monks but also with the graces that have flowed out to us Oblates (and Oblate novices) as a result. I told y'all they were the perfect fit (read: spiritual community) for me.

I want to remind myself how little and unimportant I am to everyone else. I know that God loves and cares about me -- that I'm not unimportant to Him -- but that's not egotistic. His love isn't just for me. He doesn't love me more than anyone else. He loves everyone; desires the salvation of the souls of all humanity, even those who reject Him. Thinking about things this way is humbling, in a good way. I understand why so many young men and women enter monasteries and convents (or become hermits) where they desire to be forgotten by the world. To only think about serving others and doing your duties for God and out of the love you have for Him is the only way to live if you ask me. Alas, I'm sadly not called to religious life but, hey, consecrated virginity is still a possibility. Marriage and motherhood would also allow me to do this but I've honestly begun hoping that I'm called to consecrated virginity.

Earlier in the post, I mentioned something about a possible career change. Lately, I've been wondering if God is perhaps calling me to do something other than writing while still using the gift of words He gave me. There is one career that would allow me to do this; one which would allow me to help others in a way I can't with writing. No one but the people with whom I would directly work with would know about this, too. It would be a big change -- and I would need to get myself into more student-loan debt to achieve it -- so I'm going to spend a lot of time in prayer before I make a decision. It's not going to be a decision I make anytime soon. I want to give myself time to spend many Holy Hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament to pray about it and talk to God about it.

Yes, I would still write, even if it's just my blog, novels, and the odd article here and there. I don't think I could ever stop writing; it's in my very nature to always write, even if no one reads it. (side note: I love getting physical notebooks for a reason). The more I fall in love with Christ and the bigger the desire to die to myself, to serve others, and to be thoughts insignificant by the world, the more this route makes sense. But, as always, we'll see if it's God's will for me. Perhaps He wants me to keep writing or do something else. This is why I need the time to think and pray.

Anyway, just some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my mind. There is another post I'm really excited to post but I'm saving that for St. Agatha's feast day. You (if anyone else reads it, that is) will see why I waited until her feast day to share it.

That's it for now. I hope y'all have had a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

A Virgin Martyr, an ER Trip, and an Earthquake

*takes out a white flag and slowly comes out of hiding spot*

Is it safe? Can I come out now?

My goodness, yesterday was a nightmare and a half. Nothing went as planned but, then again, nothing has been going according to plan these past 3 weeks. My screen-free plans? They've been going just "okay." Not as strict as I would've liked because of all the hiccups that have been going on and my need for my cell phone (lots of calls and prayer requests via Hootsuite).

What would've I have wanted to do yesterday? Catch up on emails, read more of the Oblate manual (I've fallen behind schedule due to all the craziness that's been happening lately), relax for a little bit, and immerse myself in Scripture. The perfect ending to the day would've been reading And You Are Christ by Fr. Thomas Dubay, recommended for those discerning consecrated virginity. It would've been fitting since it was the feast of St. Agnes of Rome. After reading her story, I felt a kinship to her. To avoid trouble, I'll leave it at that. I thought about what a perfect day it would've been to spend contemplating on my vocation and the possibility of my heart belonging solely to Him; to say, like St. Agnes, "I will have none other spouse but Him, I will seek none other." I'll have to update y'all on this soon. Let's just say that I keep meeting opposition and lack of support but that isn't deterring me from moving forward.

In between all of that I had planned on going to urgent care to get the numbness of my left side looked at and then head to the dentist because my molar had started to give me problems. It was supposed to be a little busy but not a crazy day. Ha!

I'd been having the numbness on and off since Saturday morning but I wasn't too concerned. I figured it was either an allergic reaction (though a strange one since it was only one side of my mouth; the side I don't chew on) or it might've been a molar infection (yep, same molar since September) that was creating pressure on the nerves because it was mostly near the area of the molar that was going numb. Still, I was advised by the after-hours doctor (at midnight; after the numbness began increasing in frequency) to go to urgent care to get it checked out "just in case."

I went to urgent care but they immediately sent me to the ER because numbness on one side of the face can have one of the symptoms for a stroke. I didn't think it was one -- nor did the after-hours doctor -- because I didn't have any facial drooping or other stroke symptoms but I did what I was told. So, I went to the ER and they got me into a room immediately. I thought it was going to be a quick-ish trip (they never last more than 3-4 hours) but the CAT scan machines were down so I was there for almost 6 hours. It wouldn't have been a problem except I was praying I would get out in time to see my dentist before they closed for the day... and until Thursday.

And if you're wondering, yes, I'm still having dental issues. Remember the whole issue with the shady dentist's office? "Thanks" to them, a root canal was denied by my insurance at my regular dentist's office. We can't even afford to get ourselves a new car to get around so I can't afford to pay for the root canals out of pocket. (side note: the generous GoFundMe campaign helped us get money for my mom's pre-dawn transportation to work but after the cut GoFundMe took for themselves and the $500 repairs we did on my car to help us get two more months-worth of rides from my car, we don't have enough to get a decent car. Even used cars are expensive in L.A.; we're looking at a $3500-$4000 estimate for a car that will last us a while.) I was supposed to get the molar pulled last month but my usual dentist ended up backing out, saying she didn't want to risk any complications with my low platelets even though my hematologist had signed off on it in November. I've been waiting since to get the referral to the specialist.

I went to get my referral last week when my molar started randomly throbbing, but they still made me wait a week because they were trying to figure out a way to help me with my insurance and to lower the out-of-pocket costs as much as possible. Well, it still got infected in the meantime because the temporary filling from September had worn down and they refused to put in another one, hence the numbness. They just kept saying, "Oh, just come in if it starts hurting and we'll just give you an antibiotic." That was exactly what I was trying to avoid because of how sensitive my stomach is. To quote the ER nurse yesterday, "Ugh. I don't know why dental offices do that!"

So, I prayed the Memorare emergency novena while waiting to get my CT scan results back, praying that I would get out of there in time to see the dentist. Thankfully, the novena worked and the ER doctor seems to have put pressure on the radiology department -- no stroke or anything of concern with the CT scan. The numbness is likely due to a dental abscess. My platelets dropped a considerable amount in less than 2 months as did my red blood count but I seemed healthy overall.

I was able to get out of the ER with 45 minutes to spare and took an Uber to my dentist's office. I got there in time... but I didn't get checked out. I was assured I would be seen but wasn't. Instead, the dentist just prescribed an antibiotic for the infection; apparently, all he could do for me. I'm like 85% sure the infection needs to be drained but they didn't so... let's just hope that the antibiotic will be enough until I can get the molar extracted.

We spent a lot on Uber transportation yesterday -- from my house to urgent care... to the ER... to the dentist's office... back to my apartment because I was in no condition to walk the mile back, especially at night in our not-so-safe neighborhood. There was also the expense of my mom taking it to the ER from work. Thankfully, my next-door neighbor was kind enough to drive me to get my antibiotics at the local pharmacy to avoid more expenses. That's just a bit more we chipped away from our new-to-us car savings but it was all necessary. Instead of bemoaning the costs, I'm giving thanks to God that the generosity of others helped us have the means to get to the hospital and back. Money can be saved up again but health is harder to recover.

Oh! If the day didn't sound crazy enough, it ended with a strong jolt during the last half hour or so of the day. It wasn't a big earthquake -- only a 3.6 -- but since we're not too far from the epicenter, we felt it a bit strongly. My mom was already asleep at that point and I was contemplating eating a little more to take the antibiotic when it struck. Needless to say, she lost sleep and I had to start my antibiotics today because of the lost time. Never a dull moment around here, eh?

Of course, me being me, I keep thinking about what God is trying to say to me during all of this; what He's trying to teach me. I'm reminded of what I've felt God has been saying to me during the silent moments: "Do what you know is right, good, and true." While in the ER, I was also able to meditate on the Divine Office readings and just how much St. Agnes trusted in the Lord despite all the hardships she endured prior to her martyrdom and that gave me peace of mind and heart.

I also think about how word of the year was "active" and how I feel like I should be more proactive in taking charge of my things instead of letting others decide for me; of letting to of, well, fear of being disrespectful by being more insistent. In this case, I probably should've been trying to pressure the dentist to get me that referral sooner or I should've gone elsewhere for help sooner.

Maybe all of this is happening because God is trying to show me that, while it's good to trust people and think the best of them, that I should also be on top of my things because I can't always rely on others. I should try to do as much as I can and ask God to help me with what I can't do on my own because only He has my best interest at heart.

Maybe I've been too trusting and that makes me more vulnerable to people who don't have the best intentions; I've always been a magnet for those types. This could be a lesson that the only One I can trust is Him and thus I should strengthen my relationship with Him.

Or perhaps these are things that are happening because I need more change and more closure -- a change of dentist, a change of my primary doctor, and finding a different mechanic because they all seem to have written me off lately. Maybe this all part of God's plans for a new beginning for my life, whether it be here or somewhere else. It seems that I've been tying up a lot of "loose ends" in L.A. lately and it's looking more and more like I'm going to (finally!) end up leaving the only hometown I've ever known. Even my next-door neighbor (the same one who took me to the pharmacy last night) offered to buy my car (yes, completely unusable as is; he has the funds to put more work into it as it only has 123k miles on it and the engine is still seemingly good) so if I needed to get rid of it to be able to move to another state, it would be done without problem.

Whatever it is that God has in store for me, I'm here for it. I'm still trying to figure out how to forgive the person who triggered a mini-relapse a week ago and mean it. I feel like I've forgiven him but that's how I felt last time and I obviously hadn't. Thankfully, I have a spiritual direction meeting coming up in a couple of weeks so I hope to get somewhere. In the meantime, I guess I'll keep offering up all these hard lessons and trying to stay afloat.

To say that my family has had a difficult start of the year would be an understatement. It seems like Mom and I are taking turns in who is dealing with difficult issues every couple of days. However, I believe that we're both going through these things because God has some amazing things in store for us. Whether we're atoning for sins, shedding things that keep us from him, or we're being prepared for something greater, only God knows. What I do know is that I completely trust in Him and that He is allowing this all to happen for the good of my soul.

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all who might've been wondering what was going on with all the recent prayer requests. Trust me, I wouldn't have sent them if I didn't feel they were needed. Yes, even the prayer request to have my spiritual director return back home was necessary. His car was breaking down (parts of his car were literally falling off) and we were worried about his safety. And, no. I haven't logged in to social media since January 1st so if you're replying to my prayer request (being sent through Hootsuite), I won't get a chance to see or even answer them for about week and a half.

I hope y'all are having a much better time than I am. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

God is Tearing Me Down to Build Me Up Anew

Lately, I've had a lot of endings and just a couple of new beginnings. In a way, it seems like God is tearing things down in my life to build it up anew.

I never talk about this particular topic but I'll make the exception this time around. Wedding and marriage plans were made for months up until a few weeks ago. Yes, you read that correctly. I told y'all I'm a ninja when it comes to my personal life. lol. Very few people knew about it; that I was discerning the possibility of marriage with someone. It was during the 54-day Rosary novena that everything changed. I won't go into details (this is something between God, Our Lady, and I) but let's just say that my heart began aching for God during this time.

I didn't like that my heart didn't belong solely to Him. I felt torn away from Him and I couldn't figure out why. I hated that feeling. As I continued the novena, the vocation of consecrated virginity kept coming up as did St. Philomena and (later on) St. Agatha. To this day, I still feel like God is whispering, "I want you to belong to Me. I want your heart to belong to Me." As I had said before, I still don't know if this is meant to be my vocation but I do know God wants my heart and my focus on Him right now. If He wants it, He can have it without reservations on my end.

When it became clear that God wanted me to pursue this path, it was hard. All those months of planning and dreaming... for what? Nothing? But I knew I couldn't ignore it. I knew God had placed this desire in my heart for a reason. I've always said that I've wanted nothing more than to do His will for my life so I had to put my money where my mouth was. It was difficult. I was heartbroken. It didn't end well, but that was to be expected. Still, my sole comfort was that God wanted my heart and He would take care of it in a way no one else could.

Similarly, I had made plans (for months) to move out of my mother's house, on my own or with friends. Every time I tried to leave, there were health or financial obstacles. My spiritual director, who had encouraged me to leave for months, said it was a clear sign that God wanted me to stay put. "You may not know why but He's made it clear that you should stick around." So, I have.

During the digital detox, God has opened up my eyes to great faults in myself that I was spiritually blind to. It was a hard pill to swallow but I couldn't deny what I was seeing in myself. I knew that these would've created major problems in both a marriage and in a situation with roommates because I haven't learned how to master them. I thanked God when my eyes were opened and I (admittedly, ashamedly) accepted that these things were something I need to work on.

This last week (and some odd days) since my digital detox began, I've been mostly trying to work on my relationship with God and on learning how to best manage my character flaws. I've been praying the entire Divine Office most days -- yes, Matins included. Lectio Divina is something I do regularly now. My prayer life has changed along with some of the changes in my life and it's shaping up so beautifully.

I'll be the first to admit I don't like change, nor do I do well with change. Yet, I find myself in the middle of a lot of endings and very few beginnings. Some of these changes aren't even bad or important ones. Virgin Mobile USA is no longer operating as of next month and it's making me wistful since they're the only wireless company I've had since I got my first cell phone in 2004. One of my favorite bands, MuteMath (whose self-titled album became the soundtrack of my reversion), has disbanded. Moving plans and plans to possibly sell my car (which we tried to salvage through repairs; it broke down on us 4 times this past week) will be decided soon. I've lived in the same apartment since I was 5 years old and my little Honda is the only car I've ever driven in the 9 years I've had my license.

As you can probably surmise, I like stability and being in my comfortable little bubble where everything is predictable and routine. All these changes are throwing me for a loop. Add going from having plans for my vocation and future to playing things by ear to the mix and you can guess how I've been doing lately. Yet, this is what God has been doing in my life and I'm learning how to make the best out of things.

I feel like the conversations between God and I lately have been a variation of:
"Do you trust Me?"
You know I do, Lord.
"Then let go. Do what you know is right, good, and true. Love me. Love others. Follow My commandments. Live in a state of grace. I'll take care of everything else."

Obedience is very important in the life of Benedictines -- both religious and Oblates. I've had to learn to let go of my expectations and plans and let God lead me down the path He wants for me. Under the guidance of my spiritual director and Oblate master, I will continue to look at what God is calling me to do with humble obedience. No arguments. No grumbling. Just a complete submission to His will. Of course, I will take responsibility for my actions and prayerful go forward and will adjust things as they come up; as God reveals them to me.

So, that's where I find myself. I don't know where most of the work is being done -- interiorly or exteriorly. Perhaps it's an even split. All I know is that my life is being changed completely. Beyond a few friendships and possibly my work/career, I don't foresee anything being the same by the time a new normal is established in my life.

I've never been much of a risk-taker but I keep thinking of the movie Up! and of young Carl saying "Adventure is out there!" Indeed, adventure is out there and God is pulling me out of my safe bubble to experience more of life.

As I get closer to my 35th birthday (5 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days, but who is counting?) I'm becoming more and more aware that this chapter of my life -- the first decade after my father's death -- is coming to an end and new things await me. God has some amazing plans for me so I'm going to be a brave little toaster and soldier on. May He tear me down completely so that I may become the woman He wants me to be; one worthy of spending eternity with Him.

Anyway, just some Sunday afternoon thoughts for y'all.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for Mom and I. Yes, we still have a big decision to make that will change this family, for better or worse, and how we'll go forward from this point on. Yet another adventure, one I will be sharing with her.

I hope you have all had a lovely week and had a blessed Sunday!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :)

Starting My Digital Detox: The Rules and the Feelings

Just before I started this blog post, I almost broke down crying. Why? Because I'm overwhelmed and burnt out. Hearing text messages -- especially multiple sent back-to-back, seeing my notifications on social media explode, having people I don't know give their opinions on my life and decisions... it's all too much for me.

When I asked for prayers a couple of weeks ago, stating that I haven't been well for a while, I wasn't kidding. I'm beyond stressed out and my mental and emotional health are barely hanging on. I don't normally share this but I'm going through an incredibly difficult time in my personal life right now. I'm also emotionally exhausted from the ups and (mostly) downs of my health ailments. I want to cry all the time and the toll of it all has begun affecting my health as well. It's like a vicious circle that doesn't end. I've reached my breaking point. That's why I decided, weeks ago, to take a digital detox break. I wish I had started it sooner, though, because I've been on the verge of tears all day today.

I'm so grateful to everyone who follows me and interacts with me on social media... but it seems that I can't post anything these days without at least 3 people contradicting me, telling me what to do, or trying to dissuade me from what I've decided. This is especially true when it comes to health and faith matters. I know most have the best intentions but it's too much for me. I'm going through one of the most emotionally draining times of my life and having these types of comments are not helpful. In fact, they make me feel worse.

I didn't want this to be a venting post. I'm sorry if it came across that way but I wanted y'all to understand why I've decided to do this.

So, what will my break (hopefully) look like? Here are my rules for the next month:

Smartphone usage:
- I'm keeping my phone in a separate room from me while I'm at home. It will be kept on "do not disturb" mode all day. The only calls that will go through are from my mother, my older brother, and my best friend (who is in wedding planning stress mode; please say a prayer for her). I'll have the ringer on just for them so I can hear when they call -- and they only call when it's absolutely necessary.
- I will check for important messages and calls for 5 minutes only after each of Divine Office hours. So, after 6 a.m., 9 a.m., noon, 3 p.m., 6 p.m., and 9 p.m. while I'm awake. After 9 p.m., I won't check messages until the next morning. If I see no messages during my breaks, I'll just move forward with other plans that don't involve my phone.
- I will reply to urgent prayer requests and messages during those 5-minute breaks.
- If someone wants to chat, I will make the time (in advance) to do so. That can be on the phone or in person. Snail mail is also welcomed. This rule applies to only those I know offline or who I've trusted enough with my personal information.
- The only social media app I have on my phone -- Instagram -- will be deleted for the month.

Laptop usage:
I can't completely leave all screens behind for the entire month because, as a freelance writer, I need to do research and submit articles but I will be limiting the use of them overall.
- I will access my email only when I'm on my laptop. The limit will be 3x per day -- once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once at night. The limit will be for 5 minutes during the day breaks and 30 minutes at night.
- I'm leaving all non-work or personal emails for the weekends. I will reply to non-urgent personal emails at the end of the day but anything that comes from a mailing list (e.g. articles and blog posts) will be left until the weekend.
- I will do most of my writing offline and will then transfer it to the appropriate mediums as needed.
- The laptop will be used only to write, research, link, and respond to emails during the week. Once those things have been taken care of, I will turn it off until I need it for productivity reasons. I'm giving myself limited time over the weekend to catch up on articles and blogs.
- All social media posts to links to my articles and blog posts will be sent through Hootsuite and some will get scheduled if I have more than one to share per day.
- I'm avoiding all streaming content all month that isn't necessary for work (and it rarely is). The exception to this rule is when I'm visiting someone who has streaming content on, e.g. a movie or music.
- I've had the Freedom app in place since last year and I will add even more restrictions to it in case of temptations. It's already helped me out a lot since I got it in April. (And, yes, that's an affiliate link; just a heads up.)

TVs and iPods:
- If I want to watch anything, it'll have to be on TV, either via the blu-ray player or the antenna we use to watch local channels.
- In the spirit of the detox, I'm also limiting how often I use these mediums. I'll use them only when there's someone else watching it (e.g. my mother or if a friend visits).
- I will most likely use my iPod touch the most during the break but with the WiFi turned off. I have a ton of music I've purchased over the years downloaded onto it for when I'm away from the radio and/or want to listen to audiobooks. No, audiobooks won't be streamed; they'll be downloaded. Ditto with podcasts.
- I have radio access at home and in my car to listen to Classical KUSC (since it's local) so that also takes care of the possibility of wanting to listen to something new on my monthly break.

I have a lot of plans to keep myself occupied. Even when I'll be resting (because I'm still at the beginning of my physical recovery mode), I'll have physical books to read, a guitar to play, some modern calligraphy to practice (I'm making the place cards for another best friend's wedding), and sewing to learn. Oh, yes, and lots of places to visit and things to do outside the house when I'm able to get out for a little while.

I'm doing this detox for two main reasons:

1) In hopes to disengage from being so hyper-connected in hopes that it will help my mental health. I don't want to have to go through a mental breakdown while trying to recuperate my physical health as well. I need peace. I need quiet. I need to not worry about anything except getting myself healthy once again and doing God's will (more on that in a bit). If I'm bored (and it's good to be bored; it helps with your creativity), I'll just have to opt for high-quality leisure activities after work and prayers are done.

2) Most importantly, in hopes to discern my vocation AND get ready for my Final Act of Oblation in a couple of months. I need to quiet my mind and my heart so that I can hear God more clearly. I may not currently know what my vocation is but I have zero doubts in my mind that I'm called to be an Oblate. Thus, I need to really embrace the Benedictine lifestyle now that I'm not sleeping, bedridden or dealing with other physical obstacles most days like I was for the first couple of months of my novitiate. I need to spend even more time in prayer and doing Lectio Divina. I need to attend Mass and do Holy Hours as frequently as I can. I've given myself the goal to learn the Act of Oblation and other prayers in Latin as well so I have work to do.

There are a number of things I'll be working on during this month to prepare myself -- especially to better myself as a Benedictine Oblate -- but I think I'll leave those details for future blog posts. And, yes, I do firmly intend to blog more often because I have a lot of really exciting things coming up.

So, those are my plans from tomorrow (World Introvert Day) through Candlemas (February 2nd). Once my detox is over, I'll share with y'all my details on how I'll slowly reintroduce social media and other digital devices; what the changes will be and what will be completely eliminated.

Alright, I guess that's it for now. Please say a prayer for me during this time. Of course, I will keep y'all in my prayers as well! I hope to blog again before the week ends but don't quote me on that. There's a couple of things I want to do offline first. That's why I finished and submitted my work yesterday as well; to have the rest of the week off to focus on that. Let's just say that I'm taking "World Introvert Day" seriously tomorrow and I might extend it through the weekend. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely New Year's Eve and Day. Merry Christmas (until Candlemas for me but Epiphany for most Catholics).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Gift to Baby Jesus: My Heart and Vocation Discernment

"This is my Chrismas/birthday gift to you, baby Jesus. I'm letting go, once and for all."

With those uttered words, I took a deep breath and I finally let go of something I had reluctantly been holding onto for so long. I was going to wait until Christmas to "pull the trigger" but it became abundantly clear that I couldn't keep putting it off any longer. There were too many "signs" and circumstances that I couldn't ignore. The fact that it all happened on the last day of the 54-day Rosary novena was no coincidence either. Of that, I am sure. So, I let go. And, please, no one start singing that Frozen song. lol.

This is the first time I "give" a gift to the child Jesus but it was something that has been slowly growing in my heart in recent weeks. What it is that I let go, I can't publicly state out of respect for those involved but it was something that needed to be done in order to go forward with my discernment to consecrated virginity. Surprise! Or not. lol. I know those following me on Twitter and Instagram won't be surprised as I've mentioned it enough over the last couple of weeks but it will be for those not following me on those platforms who do read this blog.

Yes, you read that right: I am beginning my discernment to consecrated virginity. It has not been an easy road. The idea has come up more than once over the years but I've always stubbornly fought it because I was sure I was called to marriage and family. Then I discerned that and, well, there was something still missing. Don't get me wrong. I felt happy... but there was a God-shaped hole I just couldn't ignore.

To be honest, I hated not belonging fully to God; to feel like my heart was divided in two and that He wasn't getting more of me than He was getting. It didn't feel right to me. Of course, there's more to the story but it came down to my feeling pulled away from God and being miserable about it. Slowly, things began unraveling and the discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity became more and more clear. Once St. Agatha came up as my patroness for the year 2020 in the Saint's Name Generator (and then St. Philomena decided to officially join the party as my co-patroness; I'll write more about her soon), I knew I could no longer ignore the call.

As hard as letting go might've been (and it was!), I felt a tremendous peace doing it because I knew that it was what God was calling me to do. As a wise friend reminded me earlier this week, sometimes God calls us to sacrifice something for Him; to show Him that we're willing to follow Him instead of our own selfishness inclinations. Of course, I will continue to pray for those involved. I wish them peace and happiness. I also hope they understand that I couldn't, in good conscience, ignore God's call.

I am incredibly blessed to have the support of so many people -- friends and online acquaintances alike -- at the start of this journey. I don't have the full support of the most important person in my life, but I knew that going forward. God warned us that we would meet opposition when we gave everything up to follow Him, but it's something I'm willing to do. I know God, through the intercessions of Our Lady, St. Agatha, and St. Philomena, will grant me the fortitude necessary.

I don't know if this will ultimately be my vocation. I actually won't get to decide that either -- it'll be Archbishop Gomez! Yes, you read that correctly. I may discern all I want with my spiritual director but if Archbishop Gomez -- after hearing why I discerned this vocation and how I arrived to my conclusion that God may be calling me to this -- doesn't think it's truly what God is calling me to do, that will be the end of that. In obedience (as both a Benedictine Oblate and someone trying to properly discern this vocation), I will have to accept whatever decision he makes. Of course, I will pray that the Holy Spirit helps him arrive at the "final verdict" that is in accordance with God's will for my life. Still, it may end up being a long, hard discernment road that may end up with me back where I started.

The unknown can be anxiety-inducing, especially to someone who likes to make plans, but this is where I need to put my money where my mouth is. Do I truly trust God with childlike faith? I better do so because there is so much uncertainty right now. All I know is that God has cleared the path for me to move forward with my discernment and that is what I'm going to do. If anything, I will come out of this having discerned all the vocations and I will have no doubt as to what God is calling me to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with you on this beautiful Christmas Day.

Happy birthday, baby Jesus! I love You so much that I give You my whole heart and my entire vocation discernment. May God's will be done, not mine.

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying this beautiful day with your loved ones.

Oh, and happy anniversary to me! Today marks 12 years (whooooa!) since I started this blog. We're still just at the beginning of this adventure, y'all! Thank you so much for continuing to follow, support, and encourage me along the way. I pray for you all every time I do my nighttime prayers. :)

God bless you all!

Last Week, I Kissed the True Cross. Really!

"I brought this relic of the True Cross..." he explained to me as he took out the relic from a red pouch and showed it to me. It was encased like most of the other relics I'd seen -- besides St. John Vianney's incorruptible heart. Still, the significance of the relic hit me like a ton of bricks.

I began tearing up as I thought about what was being held in front of me. This was an actual piece of the True Cross; where the Son of God sacrificed His life for the salvation of mankind. It was where He suffered indescribable agony for the sins for man; for the many sins I myself have committed. The weight of it all overwhelmed me, in a good way. It's the greatest love story ever told. My love for Him grew exponentially at that moment. My desire to praise Him in Heaven for all eternity -- to do everything I could to keep myself from jeopardizing my chances of getting there -- grew.

"I love you, Lord," I said internally as the tears flowed down my cheeks.

"Would you like to kiss it?" he asked me. I only had a split second to answer. I timidly said "Yes." On my knees, I leaned in and kissed the relic that he held out for me. "I love you, Lord."

It's only been a couple of days since it happened but I still can't believe that I kissed the True Cross. The memory of it will forever be embedded in my mind and in my heart.

In recent weeks (and months), I've often pictured myself at the foot of the Cross. This is especially vivid in my mind while praying the Rosary. I picture myself either standing or kneeling at the foot of the Cross, asking for His forgiveness and mercy. Most of the time, it's when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can see myself clinging to the Cross, looking up at Him with tears in my eyes, asking Him for help. Sometimes I ask Him for clarity. Other times I simply put myself in that moment -- the fifth Sorrowful mystery -- and lose myself in it. Never in my wildest dreams (or imagination), did I ever think I would be blessed enough to actually get the chance to kiss a relic of it.

After it was all said and done, I was in awe... and felt humbled. Was I truly worthy of having that amazing moment? I don't know but I am grateful that I did. I texted only three people after it happened -- my three closest friends. (Quick side note: the significance of the number 3 didn't even dawn on me until this moment, as I'm typing it out; the significance of who I chose to share the details of that moment with are always very telling.) One of them replied, "What a grace. Especially with the kind of cross you carry, that is such a grace!" That stopped me in my tracks.

The cross I carry? Oh yes, the health cross. The same cross that has been a part of my life for so long that I don't even think about it anymore. The cross that has kept me from living the life I had always envisioned for myself. The cross that has scared away potential suitors because it's a difficult one to carry. That cross.

It's the same cross that has brought me closer to God. The cross that has turned this vain and selfish young woman who thought more about what other people thought of her and the material world into one who now desires to detach herself completely from worldly things; who would rather be ridiculed for what she believes is right and the Truth.

Being sick and having to alter my life plans is humbling. It requires the person suffering to swallow their pride and ask for help when it's needed. I went from having a world of endless possibilities from which I could choose to living life one day at a time. I went from having whatever career I wanted -- or, really, choosing to work in a field I didn't particularly feel called to in order to earn more money -- to only being able to do what I do feel called to do, even if it doesn't even help make ends meet.

That's nothing compared to the humiliation that comes with the multiple rejections from fellas who just don't want to deal with your crosses. Trust me, there's been too many to count over the years. Luckily, it's all been a great blow to my ego and it has kept reminding me that no man will ever fill that God-shaped hole in my heart. That I must fully belong to Him and trust in Him. If He wants me to marry, it will happen. If He doesn't, I know He will give me the courage and emotional strength to soldier on.

As I said in my Twitter and Instagram posts last week and earlier today, God has been working in my heart lately. I can see Him waiting for me to be vulnerable and open up my heart completely to Him. I know He wants me to go to Him and tell Him exactly what I think, how I feel, what my fears are, and what my desires are. Can you guess when all of this started; when I decided to embark on this journey with Him? The minute I kissed the True Cross.

For the record, who "he" is and why he did it will remain something between those of us in the know. The point is that God blessed me with that amazing moment that has forever changed my attitude and outlook on life; that has defined this Advent season for me. I cannot think about it without tearing up. Thank you, Lord, for allowing this sinful gal to feel the weight of Your love and mercy. I will continue to strive to be worthy of moments like it, even if I never get another one like it again.

Anyway, I felt prompted to share this with y'all. It may not have details of who, what, where, when, or why, but it does contain the most important parts.

That's it from me for now. There's a couple of things I need and have to do; more work in preparing my heart for Him... and other boring adult responsibilities (read: pay bills). ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week so far.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)