A Blogging Change; Back to 1.0

Sorry for not writing for over a week but I've been busy and/or sick (stress-induced physical symptoms like extreme fatigue). But I'm here to tell you why I'm changing my blogging style a little bit...

Do you know what I miss? I sort of miss having anonymity. I miss the days in which very few people knew who I really was because it allowed me to be more open. I'm not saying that it's bad that people have gotten to know me better but I miss having the chance to be more candid about what was going on in my life. I feel like I can't really do that anymore because a good number of you know me personally (having met offline; for that I am NOT sorry) and I feel (and know) that some of you automatically begin to wonder who I am talking about if I mention someone on the blog. That's a big reason why I don't talk about my relationships or why I'm very vague and not specific about that part of my life. (side note: the bigger part of that is because I like those feelings and thoughts to stay between myself and the person that I love.) It feels so good to have that part to myself. However, I feel like in some respect I've failed to uphold a promise I made to myself when I started the blog: not to hold anything back... and I want to get back that.

That doesn't mean I'm going to be an open book. But I think I'm going to ditch some of the blogging habits I've developed over the past couple of years. I was considering that when Clare wrote about why she wasn't blogging more regularly and how she doesn't care about popularity. Thanks to Clare (who I've always adored and who consistently inspires me to be a more Godly woman), I was reminded of the joys I had before I felt the pressure to produce certain kinds of blog posts. "But *insert name of high-profile Catholic person* says you're great, I expect high quality posts/a better and/or holier person" and/or "You're a writer, I expect you to write like one" you might be saying. Yes, I've been personally told at least one of these things recently (though I paraphrased.) Like Clare, I don't care about popularity in the Catholic world. I just want to express myself. So... welcome to Journey of a Catholic Nerd Writer, back to 1.0.

Here are how most of my posts will sound like:

Can I just say how excited I am about praying the Rosary more often? I'm so happy that I've asked a fellow Kindred Spirit (yes, we even call each other KS because we're nerdy like that ;D) to be my accountability partner because it motivates me to not be put into a cone of shame for failing. I failed last night BUT I got day six of the novena to Our Lady of Lourdes in as well as my nightly prayers so it's not like I failed to pray altogether; I just ran out of time. Oops. Yes, I will wear my cone of shame today because I failed to better manage my time yesterday. Oh, Sundays... why do I fail to pray on Sundays (outside of Mass)? *shakes fist* Mof-bama!!! (That's Steven Moffat and Obama put together; inside joke with my twinnie.)

You know what I'm really sad about? The fact that my fatigue has gotten so bad that I still can't wake up early enough to attend daily Mass or even the first Mass of the day on Sundays. I miss daily Mass; it was the highlight of my day when I was able to do it. The first Mass on Sunday mornings is my absolute favorite as well. It's quiet (no music except for the nuns and my SD singing) and it's more my speed...

Okay, so here's the real reason why I want to return to the 6:45 a.m. Mass: there's this guy at our (for now) usual Mass that has a habit of looking in my direction quite often (homeboy doesn't even hide it; it's so obvious that I've had someone else comment on it) and that throws me off. I just want to focus on listening and feeling like I'm there for God. Why do you think I like mantillas so much (other than what it symbolizes)? Because it creates a sort of curtain that helps me focus on the fact that what's right in front of me (the Mass being celebrated) is what matters the most. It blocks out all the outside distractions and when the guy (who will usually sits a couple of pews in front of me and usually within my view; hey, I get there before he does so I pick my pew before he does) distracts me; it makes me self-conscience. God, please help me find a way to combat this fatigue so I can get up to both daily Mass and the 6:45 a.m. Mass on Sundays. Please. I would be so happy if I could do both. I'm sure the guy is nice and all but I'm just not interested and I'm really not a fan of unwanted attention. No me gusta!

... and that is all I'm cramming into this blog post. lol. I have more to write but I'll save it for the next time. No deadlines for this; I'll write when the mood strikes... which is actually more often than not but I've been so tired lately that all I really want to do is sleep all day.

Verso l'alto? Verso l'alto! That reminds me... I should finish the Bl. Pier Giorgio novel I'm reading... after I clean the house. I know the doctor said no exercise but I think the inactivity is actually making me feel even more tired and sleepy. Eh, I'll just sort of dance while I vacuum. Compromise, right? It's not a full workout but it's not me not doing anything. Yeah, that works (or so I'm telling myself).

Alright, I'm off to get some light exercise (I said "light," doc...) and then see what else I can do while I'm not too tired. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

100th Post; Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary; White Hispanic: Que?!

Happy Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary day! Yes, I've made it into my own sort of holiday! :D I think it's entirely appropriate (and I LOVE the coincidence) that my 100th blog post landed on one of her feast days because of the devotion I have to her and the Rosary. Also, something not a lot of people know about, my journal is basically letters written to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I write to her as if she were going to physically receive the letters. It's my way of keeping her in my life on a daily basis (or semi-daily; depends on my schedule). It's been suggested that I turn the journal into a book because of the content but it's way too personal for me to do that. Maybe in the future, when I've lived my life, but not now. So now my friends know what I'm writing (I write the letters by hand; my novels and screenplays on computers).

Anyway, I get VERY happy on the Blessed Virgin's feast days because of my love for her. In my opinion, she is ultimate role model we women can have. No, I take that back; not only for women but for all. She was selfless, caring, giving... and she still is. I've never heard of her denying anyone help whenever they've prayed for her intercession. Whether the prayers are to her as Our Lady of Guadalupe, Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Fatima, etc, she will never let us down because we are her children. Her love and compassion for us is boundless. I've felt a strong connection to her basically since I was born. I was baptized at the Church of Our Lady Queen of the Angels (here in L.A.) which is dedicated to her. When the big 1994 Northridge earthquake happened, the big framed picture of her (as Our Lady of Guadalupe) that hung in my room was the only thing (along with a picture of me in my first communion dress) that didn't fall off the wall. More about that here. There are more examples but you get the gist. I think it's because of the connection I feel with her that I started praying the Rosary. And, I have to admit, she's a HUGE reason why I stopped being an inactive Catholic (ie- not attending Mass) 2 years ago. St. Jude also gets credit here but our Blessed Mother was really the "force" that really got me back to where I am today. For that, I am truly grateful. I hope everyone takes at least a minute out of their time, today, to give thanks to her for all she's done for us. Even if you've never asked for her intercession, remember that she was the one who gave birth to, and cared for, our Lord Jesus Christ. :D What better day to say at least one "Hail Mary" or at least one Rosary decade in her honor than on the day we celebrate her being named Queen of Heaven and Earth, of angels and saints? Go on, take a break from reading this blog and say a "Hail Mary"... I'll wait. :D Done? Good!

Deviating from the loveliness that is Our Blessed Mother, I want to ask something to the readers of this blog. Are any of you, who were born here (in the United States) and are of Hispanic and Latin heritage, bothered by the term "White Hispanic"? I don't know why but that term kind of makes me cringe. I usually say I'm American but of Hispanic heritage. I don't know; maybe I'm too sensitive to the phrasing but, honestly, I don't see the point of adding "White" in front of the Hispanic part. And don't get me started on how sometimes people don't think I'm Hispanic until I speak Spanish. Many jaws have been dropped when I've done that. lol. Physical traits and skin color is not going to help you figure out where a person's from. And if y'all think I'm making it up, wikipedia has a page just on this topic. Yes, take what's written on wikipedia with a grain of salt because people can edit the pages but it sounds legit. Anyway, if you have any comments on that, don't hesitate to leave me a comment or e-mailing me at my gmail address (it's part of my profile). I'm curious to hear what others have to say on the matter.

Anyway, I'm off to finish doing my e-mail and facebook rounds (make sure I've answered all messages) before praying the Rosary. Whoo! :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!
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Saint Dreams: Part... Well, I Lost Count. St. Benedict of Nursia, Our Lady of Lourdes and St. Bernadette.

I had every intention to writing about a few of the saint dreams I've had lately. If you've been reading this blog long enough, you know I have these saint dreams quite often. Fr. Leo, who was the first priest I ever told my dreams to, took an interest to them because (I am guessing) they are vivid and usually have nothing to do with what I'm going through in real life. Last night, I had one of those really scary (at the time) dreams that somehow makes me a stronger person in real life.

And, a little warning: The dream of Our Lady of Lourdes deals with a sensitive subject not suitable for younger readers to please skip over the beginning and start reading halfway down the paragraph.

St. Benedict: The dream I had last night involved St. Benedict of Nursia. I've mentioned him a few times in previous blogs because he's been featured in my dreams quite often. Usually, when I pray for his intercession in my dreams it's because there's something evil and I'm praying that I be protected from it. In the dream last night, I was somewhere in Northern Europe. I was traveling by myself when I bumped into one of my best friends and her family. After getting hugs from all of them (she has a lot of sisters and a brother -- shout out to her, who will probably read this :D), I decided to go upstairs to change. I didn't know if I was to go up the dark stairs or through the lighted hallway. A group of girls (whom I know in real life, but not personally) told me I had to go up the stairs, but that I had to run quickly because there were dark spirits that would try to hurt me. So, we all run upstairs... and as we did, I felt the most excruciatingly painful pains in my stomach. They burned, that's now painful they were. When we got up to the room (the only room the stairs led to), we found out that the girls felt nothing but that I had these massive lacerations all over my stomach. But before I could do anything, we got rained on with little tiny black bugs, almost the size of lady bugs. So, there the girls were, screaming about how disgusting it all was when I started to pray. I don't know how the bugs disappeared but I know that I began praying to St. Benedict while I placed my hands over my stomach. The girls just looked at me like I was crazy. Then, every time I started a new prayer, I was able to peel the wounds off... as if they were merely stickers. I told the girls that I would make believers of them (they didn't believe that prayer would work -- especially to saints). It was so weird, though. When I peeled the last cut off my stomach, I told them that I wanted St. Benedict to help me because it was the only way I'd make them believe in not only him but God. At the end, my belly didn't have anything... it was like nothing had happened. Then I woke up. I am leaving a lot of other details but that is the gist of it.

Our Lady of Lourdes: A few weeks ago I had a dream in which Our Lady of Lourdes had a huge part in a miracle. I was at this theater watching a play when I went outside to do something (I believe it was to call my father to pick me up for the theater). When I came back in, this guy said he wanted to talk. He (whose identity I will never reveal because he's a friend of mine in real life; weird, eh?) then proceeded to try to take advantage of me. So then I tried to tell others of what happened when the play got out but they didn't take me too seriously. Story of my life. Anyway, I left, obviously upset and somehow ended up in a humongous football (American football) stadium with friends. The guy came by to where we were sitting and said something about "Too bad, so sad" which really upset me. I somehow found out that he'd done the same to another girl and that she'd disappeared. So I tried to look for her but I was warned by some guys that I'd disappear, she like she did, and that no one would care. I didn't care and continued my search for her. I ended up near these white and sandy colored rocks, which were part of a cave-like thing entrance. I had a feeling she was there, so I looked up and this kind of rock arch outside the cave and she was there for a split second but disappeared. So I dropped to my knees, in front of all these people, took a white rosary in my left hand and raised it up to the sky and started praying for the girl. I closed me eyes and when I opened them I saw other people had gathered to pray for the girl as well. I looked up and saw Our Lady of Lourdes, dressed entirely in white, and smiled because I knew she'd grant me the miracle of saving the girl. Then, I turned to my left and saw the girl next to me, smiling gratefully at me. I got up and everyone turned around and saw that she'd appeared without anyone noticing. Then I remember saying... if everyone just prayed the Rosary and didn't care what others thought of their faith and devotions to prayer, that it would make things a lot better for everyone. Then I woke up.

St. Bernadette: Now, I don't remember exactly what happened (because this specific part happened towards the end of a dream) but I do remember that I was standing next to St. Bernadette, near the grotto. I turned around for a split second and saw we were in a completely different room (though I don't know where it was). Before I had a chance to ask, St. Bernadette grabbed my hand and ran out of the room with me, saying that I was not safe (the room turned into bricks and rocks and began crumbling) and that I had to leave. She pushed me out of the way of the rubble and then I woke up.

Some times I wish there was some device that could capture dreams because I feel like I do them NO justice when describing them. The images are so vivid and fresh in my mind that it's almost like I actually lived them instead of having dreamt them.

Can you believe it took me nearly 4 HOURS to write this blog? I got distracted by other things (like some kids breaking this huge window by the mailboxes -- sounded horrible as it was breaking). Yeah.

Anyway, that is all for now. I have confessions in a little while and need to get ready for that. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Miss C.N.W. Karate Chops Boredom with Prayer.

I am in the midst of summer cleaning. It's my version of spring cleaning, only I do it in the summer to fight off boredom. Okay, and I also do it so that when I start my classes I am organized and not overwhelmed. It's taken me 3 days to finish just my desk alone... because I have been plagued with this annoying boredom induced busyness that won't go away. If you didn't get that (friends often say I have my own language and way of saying things), basically, I've been busying myself with the most mundane things to fight off the boredom that has gotten a hold of me.

One thing that all of this is doing is that I get so focused on other things that I lose track of time and then by the time I'm ready to say the Rosary or something else, I'm too exhausted (sleepy) to properly pray. I just realized that it's been a good 2 weeks since I last said the Rosary and I absolutely HATE IT! It's funny (in an unfunny sort of way), I've been feeling physically well and the anxiety's gone down pretty drastically lately, but spiritually I feel horrible. I LOVE praying the Rosary (even though every Tuesday and Friday you are guaranteed tears from me) and realizing that I haven't been keeping that up is horrible! I do, throughout the day, say a little something to Our Lord but not the way I should be praying. One of the novels I'm working on is based on devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe... and I haven't written in that for weeks (and I'm several pages behind my goal for the day). I have been trying to finish St. Teresa of Avila's autobiography for months (I haven't read anything for months, lol) and I am gonna start all over again because I've forgotten a few things that were in the book that I will want to talk about on this blog. Ugh. I am a mess when it comes to praying but I have a plan that will combat my boredom AND help me get back on track with prayer, reading St. Teresa's book, and working on my novel(s).

My plan of attack? Reading the book, writing in the novel, and praying. Sounds so simple, right? It does but actually executing the plan when you're tempted to get online and waste your time on mind numbing things like that darn Hatchling's game on facebook (man, I need to uninstall that!), it's tough. So, that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to read St. Teresa's words, write at least 5 pages from each novel, and praying for all the things I need to pray for. What better thing to do than to pray for help and comfort for those who need it, right? I'm going to keep alternating those things around (with an occasional soccer game or movie thrown in) until I get things done. When I am done with the autobiography, I'll focus on the novels and praying until I'm done. When I am done with the novels (which I am estimating to be done by late next-month, if things go according to plan), I'll keep praying, and I'll add more intentions until I go back to school. Then, it'll be coursework and prayers. Bottom line is that I am NOT going to let my praying fall behind, like I've been letting it happen, from now on. And now that I've semi-ranted about that, lol, I think I will get offline to finish cleaning and then get on to my reading, writing, and praying. And, for those of you who follow my "Currently Listening To" list (or my last.fm page)... no, that is not semi-cheesy Europop I'm listening to while I clean. That's all in your imaginations *ahem*; yes, that is Celtic music I am listening to. I can't help it, I love Celtic/Irish things. :D

Well, that's it for now. I'll try to write about my St. Bernadette dream (she saved me from danger), and my Our Lady of Lourdes dream -- both were on separate occasions -- next time. I think some people will be interested in them. :D. 'Til next time, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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