My Consecration Journey Begins Today

Today is the day I've waited for years.

I've been wanting to do a total consecration to Jesus through Mary using both the True Devotion to Mary by St. Louis de Montfort and 33-Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley books for years. I was able to borrow the former from the library and the latter was a gift from a good friend so I am set... and I can barely contain my excitement!

I thought long and hard on what feast day I wanted to do the consecration. In earlier years, it had been on the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel because I wear the brown scapular and have dear friends who are Carmelites. Then I considered doing it on the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe since I'm Mexican-American. It eventually came down to choosing between the feast of the Visitation and the feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary.

When people found out that my birthday is on the day before the feast of the Visitation (and I was nearly born on the feast day since I was born on the night of the 30th), pretty much everyone tried to persuade me to consecrate myself on that day. It would be a good way to start my 33rd year; my "Jesus Year." However, I ended up choosing the feast of the Immaculate Heart because of my devotion to her.

My devotion to the Immaculate Heart started years ago. There's something about the thought of her Immaculate Heart -- so beautiful, so pure, so loving, even in sorrow -- that has always held a special place in my own heart. I've even had a picture of her (first over my bed and now over my desk in my office) since I was a child. It's now old and faded but I love looking at it.

Whenever I have any "heart matters" (relationship matters), I do a novena to the Immaculate Heart. Her intercession has never failed to keep me from getting my own heart broken and has kept my (otherwise) hopeless romantic tendencies in check. If any of my friends wonder why potential suitors don't last very long, there's your answer. Their true intentions are revealed and/or they disappear before the novena even ends. Again, it's saved me from heartache. 

I've recently developed an interest in learning more about the Sacred Heart so it seems entirely appropriate that the last day of preparation ends of the feast day of the Sacred Heart. I'm currently doing a novena for a private intention to the Sacred Heart and, boy, it's been amazing how things change during it. I'm going to look into doing the enthronement of the Sacred Heart done this year because we (my family and I) could really use it after the intense year we've had thus far.

Despite my small worries about what might pop up during the preparation for the consecration (I've heard horror stories), I'm going to place all my trust in God and go forward with it. This is something I've wanted for literal years and it's something that I feel I need in my life. :)

Have any of you used both books for your consecration or renewal? If so, I'd love to hear about your experiences!

Before I wrap up this post, I just wanted to say a massive "thank you" to those of you who've prayed for me in recent days. Your prayers have been what have kept me from spiraling down into a hole of gloom and despair. I (and my family) have been tested in ways I would've never foreseen so your prayers have been lifesavers. May God reward you all!

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and that you have a great week!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

Incredible Novena Results and an Overall Update

As some of you have noticed, despite not being in school anymore and having more free time, I haven't been posting as often as I wish. Long story short: I don't want to post things that are filler or fluff for the sake of keeping up a high post count. I want to write posts that (I hope) are higher in quality than quantity. That and I've had a lot of really amazing things going on.

These past two weeks have been draining but also very promising. The plans, for now, are to eat well, exercise more, and to reduce stress by eliminating or learning to cope with my biggest stressors. School is done so that is one massive stressful thing out of my life. Work, which is currently consisting of writing for Epic Pew, isn't causing any stress. However, I did have to tackle a big, life-long issue that was my biggest source of stress for several years.

Without going into too much detail, I was on a steady "diet" constant pressure and emotional manipulation for years. I got the courage to speak to the person who was causing it two weeks ago. They said that they didn't realize what they were doing (and I'm choosing to believe that based on what a number of psychologists and therapists have said about this person) and promised to make an effort to do their best to stop. It was an emotionally-charged two-hour conversation in which I got out all my grievances and all the hurt this person has caused throughout most of my life. While this person still occasionally slips (old habits die hard), they are making a conscious effort to make sure they're no longer contributing to what has hurt me for so long. I have already seen an improvement in both my relationship with this person.

This big breakthrough came after doing both the 54-day Rosary novena (late last year) and the Immaculate Heart of Mary novena at the beginning of this year. I had this particular intention for both novenas because God showed me that this was one of the biggest things I needed to work on in order to get healthier on all levels. I mean, I didn't just do it for my benefit. Nonetheless, it's an incredible result from the novenas, one that I will forever be grateful to God for! Now that this is no longer a big issue, the next one to tackle is getting me physically and spiritually healthier in order to make the other personal goals more attainable.

I've been doing this "screens off" experiment for over a week now and it's the best decision I have made this year (so far). I turn off most screens (except Kindle) at 8 p.m. and they don't get turned on again until I'm ready to start the day. I set my alarm for 7:30 p.m. to give myself a half-hour warning to finish up whatever needs to be done before my laptop, iPod touch, and smartphone are shut off for the day. I put on orange-tinted goggles that cut the blue light that suppresses melatonin production until I'm ready to go to sleep. I turn on my Kindle and I read fiction books (fiction is the only genre which doesn't keep me up) until I'm ready to fall asleep... if I don't fall asleep before I can shut the Kindle off. I've successfully managed to get to bed early. I've been waking up more refreshed and my energy lasts a bit longer.

As for what's going on in my spiritual life, a lot and not so much. I was lucky to get to pray in front of the tabernacle earlier this week... and it seemed to trigger something because it seems that I have been spiritually attacked every day since. I'm doing two new novenas at the moment -- one to St. Anne and another to St. Francis de Sales -- which seem to also be triggering some spiritual attacks... which means I'm on the right track when it comes to at least one of the novena intentions. I've kept up with the daily Mass readings, the Rosary, the Little Office, and the novenas.

That's pretty much what's going on with me -- a lot and yet not a whole lot. I'm taking things one day at a time to keep my stress levels down. My mom got me this really lovely jigsaw puzzle of a cottage next to a river in a forest which is my ideal place for a retreat or a vacation to help me escape from mental stress. I've cut back on my social media use, which is being helped by my "screens off" experiment. I've been spending more time in silence and learning to take better care of myself.

Basically, I'm allowing myself to take a break from everything so that I can recuperate. It's often hard because being inactive and not being on the constant "go go go" is a foreign concept to me but that's what got me here in the first place so I need to do this. I won't allow anyone to shame me into "being lazy" (as some people call it) because this seems to be what is best for me... and something that seems to be in God's plans for me. I've abandoned myself to doing His will, remember? I won't fight this.

I'm going to end this blog here and try to stay relaxed,

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Blog Changes

When I first started this blog, on Christmas Day 2007, I had no idea that I would continue to be blogging nearly a decade later. I started to write because (at the time) there were no Catholic blogs talking about the faith with issues such as anxiety, illness, and other topics that people seemed to not be comfortable talking about. I wanted to give a voice to those who were too afraid to talk about dealing with these issues on a personal level. A lot of my earliest readers found me by searching for "Catholicism and anxiety." Fast forward 9 years later, bloggers are more open than I am about their lives. Sure, I still share a lot (or it seems like I do ;D) but I'm not one of the only bloggers who are open about their daily struggles and how our faith is affected or enriched by them.

I've been thinking about it for a long time now and I've decided to open up on different topics that I normally shied away from... and be a little more open and honest in general. That's not to say I haven't been honest in my blog posts -- I have -- but I've also edited myself a lot out of fear of judgment or offending people. I've slowly been doing this in recent months (I'm sure some of you have noticed) but it's going to be a little more obvious in coming posts/weeks. I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I want to be able to talk about it without fear. If you don't end up liking the new direction, that's okay. I know I'm not a $100 bill; not everyone is going to like me or what I have to offer. :)

One of the big changes that I'm also making is that I'm no longer doing the annual "help me choose the patron saint for this blog" poll. After 8 years of doing this, I thought it was time for this change. This year, St. Joseph was the reader-chosen patron saint and it feels right that he be the last one chosen by a poll. After thinking about it for a while, I've chosen the Holy Family to be the permanent patron saints for this blog. I've developed wonderful devotions to the individual members of the Holy Family (as the Sacred Heart of Jesus, the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and St. Joseph) during this year so it seems fitting that they, as the Holy Family, continue to intercede for me so that I may write what might help others who stumble across this blog.

I'll be re-introducing novena posts (having daily novena prayers posted) throughout the year. I'm not sure which novenas I'll post/schedule during the year (starting next year) but I'll try to change them so that there's variety from year-to-year. I cleaned up the blog and website links and will be adding to them as I find the time. I think that's it... for now. Just a couple of layout and content changes. As I said, a new chapter in my life is beginning and I need to grow up and change with it. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. I really want to clean the apartment since it's been neglected while I studied for and took finals. Oops. I also have a lot of books to get through in less than a week that I borrowed from the library. A break from the online world for a couple of hours will do me good, especially considering I still have emails and other things to catch up on from the past couple of weeks. Those can wait a little longer. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dating Myself

No, not dating myself in the "using outdated slang" sense though that's always a fun way to make oneself feel old amongst pre-teens. Seriously, ask any of my nieces and nephews under 11 "who let the dogs out?" or tell them to "raise the roof" and they'll look at you with a perplexed expression.

In the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day, I began seeing articles about how a single people should act, what they should do, and how they could "tolerate" or even "survive" the holiday. The term "Singles Awareness Day" bugs me, plain and simple. I guess I'm just not bitter about being single and I'm going to tell you why.

I'm not saying it's easy being single. I'm a 30 year-old single lady; there are always comments, especially when people learn how old I am. Do you know how often I get told that if I don't have kids anytime soon, chances that I won't be able to "bounce back" or that the baby will be born with a number of "defects" increases? Do you know how often the fact that I'm single gets thrown in my face? Do you know how often I have to hear my mom lament (though in a jokingly way; there's still truth behind it) about not having grandchildren to friends, family, and even strangers? Let me just put it this way: if I had a dollar for every time I've heard these comments since my mid-20s, I would quite possibly be able to pay off all my student loans -- for all three degrees I've studied for (Religious Studies B.A., Communicative Disorders & Deaf Education B.S., and Biblical Theology M.A.) When Catholic folks find out I'm single, some even push me to become a nun, despite my telling them it's not my vocation. I just smile and say I'm not my vocation but we all know I can get very tired of hearing that as well. 

The single life as a Catholic seems a little more difficult sometimes. Like everyone who takes their faith and their relationship with God seriously, I have my fears regarding my future vocation. Some of those fears are a little silly, some are understandable, but all are very real to me. Though I'm fiercely independent, I still go through periods in which the loneliness has hit pretty hard. I think what's really helped me out has been learning to entrust my loneliness to God and my discernment to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Ever since I've done that, I have viewed this period of singlehood differently. Again, it doesn't mean it's easy; I've just learned how readjust how I view this season of life. I think that's why I'm not a bitter single on Valentine's Day.

I love love but I'm a romantic realist. I know what's real and what's fantasy. I love my Hallmark Channel chick flicks (especially the Christmas ones!) and romantic gestures but I know that real life is not like that. I've seen the ups and downs my friends have gone through with their spouses. I know getting married is not going to solve any loneliness I may occasionally feel. I don't expect any man to make me "feel complete" because I know only God can fill that role. I'm sort of a little ball of contradictions when it comes to this. I know enough about how I view love, romance, and my future vocation to know that my priorities are in the right place. My former spiritual director made sure I understood things. And while this is all great, there was one thing I was missing: knowing myself better.

I can do all those personality tests to find out what kind of person I am. I'm an INFP, a phlegmatic-sanguine (or a phlegmatic-melancholic, depending on the test), my love language is quality time, etc. However, this doesn't really do much to help me in terms of vocation. I think that's why I decided a little while ago (don't ask me how long; I don't keep track of these things) to "date" myself; to figure out what I can bring to a relationship or what I need to work on. I've already learned about a lot about myself -- a lot of things I either didn't want to acknowledge or accept or things I didn't know.

I've been looking at my relationships -- my relationship with my mom, my brother, and my friends (both male and female). I've noticed what makes me happy, what makes me grumpy, what my boundaries are, what I must do when I'm upset, and what will motivate me. I know that I need to communicate the fact that I'm upset when I'm in a funk because I tend to withdraw. I've learned that I need to tell those I love that I'm feeling grumpy so I can get a little bit of space to cool down. I also know that I thrive around people but that that introverted side of me still need to recharge after being around others for a couple of hours.

Last year I made my first attempts (in a long time) to actually be more active in my vocation discernment. Yes, this is a fancy way of saying that I tried my hand at dating. The experiences taught me about what I look for in a potential spouse. I've learned that I love open communication and hate leaving things unresolved. I'm surprisingly patient and open to criticism when it's done with love and no one is defensive or aggressive. While I love having my own space, I love spending quality time with the other person.While I don't like being teased too much (I'm usually Little Miss Serious Business), some people to tend to draw out the more silly and playful side of me that not many people get to see. I also learned that I don't like "online dating" websites so don't expect to see me on Catholic Match anytime soon. 

The best thing that I learned about "dating myself" is that I'm at a place in my life where I'm finally comfortable in my own skin and with my ever-growing relationship with God. I'm happy with who I am, even with the quirks and the flaws I need to learn to manage better. I'm comfortable enough to be open about them and not be ashamed for not being "perfect." I've finally figured out how I thrive and what sinks me not only in life and in my relationships but with God as well. I've learned that my heart is His until He says "alright, this man will help you grow closer to Me" and there is something absolutely beautiful about that. I've also learned that I'm never going to be done getting to know myself because, as all human beings, I'm still growing and changing. Things I liked and didn't like in my teens and 20s aren't the same now that I've entered my 30s.

Yes, things are terribly slow on the vocation (big V) front but He knows why. I know, I know... single ladies over the age of 25 (and especially in their late 20s to early-mid 30s) hate when people say that everything will happen in God's timing but I firmly believe that. Every single thing I've gone through as in some way, shape, or form helped prepare me for my life with my future husband. All I can do now is to continue praying for him and working on my relationship with God. I'm not going to dwell on being single or trying too hard to find someone but I will keep learning about myself and how to be a better version of myself for when the day comes. Now if he could only stop being such a guy and pull over and ask for directions because he's obviously lost on the highway of love... lol. ;)

I highly recommend that you lovely single ladies (and gentlemen!) get to know yourselves (even if it's stuff you don't want to acknowledge) while you wait. Don't dwell on the fact that you're single. There's so much you can do in the meantime. Learn what your gifts are, what makes you shine, what drains you, what you don't like. Take up a hobby. Do something you like, bonus points if it helps someone else. Work on your relationship with God. Learn how you thrive in relationships of all kinds, not just exclusively romantic in nature. Entrust your loneliness to God. Smile. If it's your vocation, it will happen. Take comfort in knowing that, even if the waiting time can be incredibly frustrating at times. :)

Anyway, just my two cents on this matter. Sorry I didn't post it earlier but, as I wrote yesterday, I had a couple of off days that delayed when this got published. :) And now I'm off to... I have no idea. I'm probably reading or taking a nap or watching something since I'm writing this a day in advance. ;)

I hope y'all are doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Dear Mama Mary...

Please do not use without permission.

Dear Mama Mary,

Happy birthday! I thank God for giving you to us... and for your "yes" that blessed the whole world. Your "yes" -- which I meditate on every Monday and Saturday during the first Joyful Mystery -- has helped me learn how to say "yes" to many things, including learning how to better trust God.

Just as you said "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be [done] to me according to your word," I have been trying to do the same with my life. Instead of worrying about having some control over my future -- whether it be finances, career, vocation, etc -- I've learned to say "Lord, I am your child; I will do whatever you need me to do." This has been a hard lesson for me. The fear of unknown has been the greatest source of anxiety for me over the years... but I just have to remember that your faith and trust in Him gave us the greatest gift and I regain that confidence.

This summer you've held my hand through everything I've been through. From a month of hospital trips and doctor's appointments to recent intentions (which you know of), I have always felt your tenderness calming my nerves. I've grown to have a deep love for your Immaculate Heart, a devotion I had never felt particularly drawn to but one I now cannot do without. I cannot go through my day without wearing my Miraculous Medal (which I had wanted for several years but only recently got a temporary one). You've helped me draw my thoughts back to Christ and His infinite love and mercy.

Lately you've done something I would've never anticipated: you opened my heart as well as my eyes. You've helped me see my past errors that had held me back in terms of my vocation discernment. I was blinded for so long but a recent revelation (which I am attributing to the novena I did in honor of your birth) helped me see that I needed to let go of certain ideas. Furthermore, you helped me dodge a bullet before anything came out of it (which is why I started the novena in the first place; for clarity on the situation). I have a better understanding of myself and what's truly in my heart and for that I thank you. I'm sure the loneliness I felt earlier this summer will be easier to bear while I wait.

I've never felt closer to you than I have this summer. I am grateful for everything I endured because it helped me get to where I am. I look forward to consecrating myself to you later this year, my first time doing do. It's long overdue but it's better than I arrived a little late than never.

Thank you, Mama Mary, for everything you've done for me, my family, my friends, and, really, the entire world.

With a heart full of love,
your daughter,

Digital Burnout

Image courtesy of Ashley Ella Design.

I don't think many people noticed but I was completely M.I.A. on Twitter a couple of days this week. I probably would've gone more days without tweeting except I got excited about Father (now Bishop-Elect) Barron coming to Los Angeles... and then I felt the need to defend myself against subsequent comments from others which made me feel attacked for welcoming him to my hometown. It was during this time that I realized just how burnt out I was on social media and on technology in general.

Having a job (freelance writing) that makes you rely on the internet (to receive, turn in, and research assignments) all day... having your entire degree online (as I did last year when I did a year at Utah State)... having most of your friends rely on social media to interact, all forced me (and, really, gave me) the excuse to be online more than I should have. When I realized that I was a lot more burnt out that I had first guessed, I made the decision to step away a couple of days a week and it's been great.

First, I've made it a mission to take better care of myself because I'd been neglecting myself for a long time. I recently quit my low-paying and increasingly stressful job as a freelance writer for a certain company... and I'm not looking for any work at the moment. I'm not doing anything but having a vacation from the busyness of life before grad school begins. I want to use the next two months to create habits that will help me during grad school and after. That includes fixing my sleeping schedule, eating better, finding what little things I can do during the day that make me relax when things get overwhelming, etc.

Second, I've cut my time both online and on the laptop/iPod considerably... and that time offline will increase through the next couple of weeks. The majority of my Biblical Theology program will be done online so I know I'll be relying on technology a lot. I'm grateful that there will be a couple of lectures/events I will have to drive down to JP Catholic for since it will give me more excuses to not get online. In order to help curve the temptation to waste time online, I charge my laptop during off-peak hours (I purposely found out what they were in my area) and if the laptop runs out of battery, it stays that way until the following day. Same with my iPod touch. It gets charged once a day. If it doesn't last through the night, it waits until the following day. If I don't use it much, I will physically be in a different room than the laptop, iPod, and cell phone.

I'll be honest and admit that I do still log into Facebook daily because most of my best friends are on there and it's the easiest way for us to communicate on our busiest days. Some days I play "FB chat tag" with a friend or two throughout the day because of how busy we can get. However, I don't spend hours on FB. I'll spend a couple of minutes (or, most of the time, less than a minute) a couple of times (3-4) during the day; it depends on how many comments / conversations I'm having. That equals less than 5 total minutes on most days or up to less than 15-20 minutes on my most active days. The decision I made to have under 30 people on my list has made the difference because no one on my list abuses FB... and no one on my list loves to instigate drama.

As for Twitter... there is a reason why I completely avoid it on some days. I like Twitter but just not as much as I used to. I noticed that a lot of my defensive/grumpy moments have happened because of something that originated on Twitter. Lately it just seemed worse than usual. Some people love to cause trouble. Other people feel like they are free to speak to you as if they know you well even if they don't (read: untactful buttinski types). A good portion of the time, miscommunication will cause unnecessary drama. I don't like drama. I dislike when people instigate arguments for kicks. Yes, I chose to be on Twitter and to reply to the comment... but I've always chosen to step away from it or even not reply to everyone on some days for the sake of my sanity.

At the time of my reversion, I took a break from the online world. It was one of the most spiritually fruitful times in my life. My focus was on my relationship with God, choosing to not listen to former friends who'd emotionally and mentally bullied me. They were not okay with my decision to walk away from their friendships -- which I saw as harmful to me. It was hard but it got me back on the right path. Having a similar experience lately, I decided to step away in baby steps and it's done wonders.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed the change. I've been feeling less stressed, less defensive, and less sassy/sarcastic. I'm less likely to be uncharitable in my thoughts and words. I'm more likely to be understanding and compassionate, to let things slide, and just smile. I feel like I did when I was in my early reversion days. The spiritual dryness I'd been experiencing has lessened considerably. Not having the online drama invade my thoughts when I log offline has done wonders for my spiritual life.

I've been doing the St. Anne novena along with one to the Immaculate Heart of Mary... in that order. Yes, I chose the heavenly mother and daughter tag team. ;) I feel a wonderful sense of peace and love when praying them, especially the latter. The St. Anne novena is for my vocation (though I'm asking for clarity of vocation not that it be a specific one). The one to the Immaculate Heart of Mary is for (as I mentioned in the last post) learning to fill that loneliness/emptiness gap I've felt with His love "as I know no human being will ever be able to fulfill it." I end up including the idea of a future husband and children in that last novena. "If my vocation is of wife and mother -- as I believe it is -- please let me be full of His love first... because I don't expect my future husband to fill something he can't. It wouldn't be fair to expect that from him. Instead, please let be so full of His love that I can reflect it unto my future fella and children." I'm not sure I would've had as much clarity if I had been worried about something that happened online.

I like how my life offline is shaping up. My communication with my mom is getting better and we're learning how to work with our differing temperaments better. I've learned a lot of things about her that have increased my respect and love for her; she's learned some things she didn't even know about me. I've been sleeping better. I'm less cranky throughout the day. I'm less anxious. I've been able to concentrate much better when I pray. Instead of having to constantly fight off random thoughts -- usually of whatever disagreement or drama stemmed from Twitter -- popping up during my time in prayer, I've been able to concentrate on (and even visualize) the words I'm praying. Life is good. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I've seen a number of you feeling burnt-out on social media but are scared of taking breaks from it out of fear of boredom, missing out, etc. Trust me, I was in the same boat but, man, all this time offline has been great for me and it's made me want to spend even less time online. If you're stressed, try a day or two offline per week at the beginning and gradually increase it. You'll notice a difference after a couple of days. I seriously recommend it. :D

Alright, that's it from me for now. I have a number of things to do offline (mostly read... and drink tea... and watch the 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice, the 2008 version of Sense and Sensibility, and the 2009 version of Emma; did I mention I'm big on self-care these days?) and want to get to them early so I can sleep early. ;)

I hope y'all are doing well. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Update from Sickland; Let Us Pray for You

Two weeks without a single post. Sorry! If you're following me on twitter (@nerdwriter) then you know that I had a nasty throat infection and spent over 10 days in bed before I got the antibiotics I needed to get better. I'm finally feeling well enough to get back in the swing of things so expect posts to restart. I won't go into the details (yet) about what's going on because it's a lot but I will say that I've been tested in ways I wasn't expecting. :)

I just wanted to update y'all because I still get messages asking how I am doing. I'm MUCH better, thank you. :D Also, I want to let y'all know that Angelica and I are starting the 54 Day Rosary Novena tomorrow so if you'd like to join us or have us pray for a specific intention for you, please let us know a.s.a.p. Angelica specifically chose tomorrow, the feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, to start the novena. (And, btw, happy feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus today. :D)

Alright, that will be it for now. I drove around for hours in nearly 100 degree weather and I'm exhausted. Well, that and the fact that I had anxiety last night and didn't fall asleep until after I prayed the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy at nearly 2 a.m. hasn't helped the exhaustion. :D I want to sleep soon. :)

Again, please let Angelica (@aquinonez on twitter) or I know if you want to join/have intentions for us to pray. Let us pray for you... we'd like to help in any way we can. :D

I hope y'all have a great start of weekend!

'Til next time, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D