Incredible Novena Results and an Overall Update

As some of you have noticed, despite not being in school anymore and having more free time, I haven't been posting as often as I wish. Long story short: I don't want to post things that are filler or fluff for the sake of keeping up a high post count. I want to write posts that (I hope) are higher in quality than quantity. That and I've had a lot of really amazing things going on.

These past two weeks have been draining but also very promising. The plans, for now, are to eat well, exercise more, and to reduce stress by eliminating or learning to cope with my biggest stressors. School is done so that is one massive stressful thing out of my life. Work, which is currently consisting of writing for Epic Pew, isn't causing any stress. However, I did have to tackle a big, life-long issue that was my biggest source of stress for several years.

Without going into too much detail, I was on a steady "diet" constant pressure and emotional manipulation for years. I got the courage to speak to the person who was causing it two weeks ago. They said that they didn't realize what they were doing (and I'm choosing to believe that based on what a number of psychologists and therapists have said about this person) and promised to make an effort to do their best to stop. It was an emotionally-charged two-hour conversation in which I got out all my grievances and all the hurt this person has caused throughout most of my life. While this person still occasionally slips (old habits die hard), they are making a conscious effort to make sure they're no longer contributing to what has hurt me for so long. I have already seen an improvement in both my relationship with this person.

This big breakthrough came after doing both the 54-day Rosary novena (late last year) and the Immaculate Heart of Mary novena at the beginning of this year. I had this particular intention for both novenas because God showed me that this was one of the biggest things I needed to work on in order to get healthier on all levels. I mean, I didn't just do it for my benefit. Nonetheless, it's an incredible result from the novenas, one that I will forever be grateful to God for! Now that this is no longer a big issue, the next one to tackle is getting me physically and spiritually healthier in order to make the other personal goals more attainable.

I've been doing this "screens off" experiment for over a week now and it's the best decision I have made this year (so far). I turn off most screens (except Kindle) at 8 p.m. and they don't get turned on again until I'm ready to start the day. I set my alarm for 7:30 p.m. to give myself a half-hour warning to finish up whatever needs to be done before my laptop, iPod touch, and smartphone are shut off for the day. I put on orange-tinted goggles that cut the blue light that suppresses melatonin production until I'm ready to go to sleep. I turn on my Kindle and I read fiction books (fiction is the only genre which doesn't keep me up) until I'm ready to fall asleep... if I don't fall asleep before I can shut the Kindle off. I've successfully managed to get to bed early. I've been waking up more refreshed and my energy lasts a bit longer.

As for what's going on in my spiritual life, a lot and not so much. I was lucky to get to pray in front of the tabernacle earlier this week... and it seemed to trigger something because it seems that I have been spiritually attacked every day since. I'm doing two new novenas at the moment -- one to St. Anne and another to St. Francis de Sales -- which seem to also be triggering some spiritual attacks... which means I'm on the right track when it comes to at least one of the novena intentions. I've kept up with the daily Mass readings, the Rosary, the Little Office, and the novenas.

That's pretty much what's going on with me -- a lot and yet not a whole lot. I'm taking things one day at a time to keep my stress levels down. My mom got me this really lovely jigsaw puzzle of a cottage next to a river in a forest which is my ideal place for a retreat or a vacation to help me escape from mental stress. I've cut back on my social media use, which is being helped by my "screens off" experiment. I've been spending more time in silence and learning to take better care of myself.

Basically, I'm allowing myself to take a break from everything so that I can recuperate. It's often hard because being inactive and not being on the constant "go go go" is a foreign concept to me but that's what got me here in the first place so I need to do this. I won't allow anyone to shame me into "being lazy" (as some people call it) because this seems to be what is best for me... and something that seems to be in God's plans for me. I've abandoned myself to doing His will, remember? I won't fight this.

I'm going to end this blog here and try to stay relaxed,

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What Self-Care Looks Like (July 2016)

I know I've written about self-care before (and more than once) but I thought I'd give y'all an update on how that's going to keep myself accountable to what is and isn't working.

What is Working

• Learning more about introversion and being a highly sensitive person (HSP). I've been reading a couple of books on introversion (most notably Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain and The Irresistible Introvert: Harness the Power of Quiet Charisma in a Loud World by Michaela Chung) as well as some articles on HSP that have helped embrace who I am and what works for me. Quiet has helped me understand what introversion is and what it isn't while The Irresistible Introvert (which is more like a memoir with tips on what's worked for the author) has given me ideas on how to best manage stressful (to introverts) situations. So far the latter has been highlighted, annotated, and been the most useful to me since I learn best from personal experiences. My anxiety and stress levels are at an all-time low thanks to the new techniques (as well as some I've picked up from implementing some mindfulness into my everyday routines).
• Embracing change. There have been a lot of changes lately (you can go back to last month's blog posts to see some example) and I've been able to accept them because I think I've finally learned to let go and let God guide me. Change doesn't make me uncomfortable but not knowing what's going to happen in the future has been a trigger for my anxiety attacks in the past. Now? I'm trusting God and am letting things come as they may without any long term plans in place. I have goals but no concrete plans as to how it'll happen. I'm re-learning to be more flexible which is something I was actually good at before the PTSD became a part of my life. I've also made some much needed changes in how I do things. For example, after reading both The Irresistible Introvert and an article on how multitasking actually depletes your mental energy, I've tried to do one thing at a time instead of trying to do several things at once. Right now I'm blogging without any music or the TV on in the background; I'm focused on this one single thing. While this is a small change for me, it's really helped my energy levels and mental sharpness.
• Taking screen-free breaks. As I've mentioned before, I've noticed how much better I feel and how much more (mentally and physically) energized I am when I'm not glued to a screen. I've taken a couple of screen-free breaks throughout the week. I let my friends (with whom I communicate the most often on social media and/or text) know ahead of time so they don't think I'm ignoring them. It's done wonders for my mental health; I can't recommend it enough.
• Drinking more water. Alright, 'fess up... who else has trouble drinking the recommended amount of water? After my bladder/kidney infection in late June-early July, I've been making an effort to drink more water. I try to aim for at least six 8 oz glasses per day and most days I'm able to reach that goal. Sometimes I fail on the six glasses but I do drink more than 16 oz of chamomile tea (for heartburn) or eat watermelon fruit bars (like popsicles but made out of actual fruit) so that helps keep me a little more hydrated. Added bonus: if I start off my day with at least 8-16 oz of water, I have a bit more energy during the day.
• Taking guilty pleasure breaks. If I feel myself getting stressed what do I do? Take a "guilty pleasure break." "What's that?" you may ask. It means that I'll do something that I enjoy for at least half an hour per day. It could be reading a book or watching a TV show that I'd be slightly embarrassed to admit that I read or watch but that makes me happy. If you're curious, let's just say it's usually aimed at a teen audience. Shh! lol.

What Isn't Working

• Not getting enough sleep. I've been averaging 4-6 hours most nights in the past couple of weeks. At first it was because the fever and infection weren't letting me sleep. Then the maintenance guys were here almost every day for about three straight weeks, not allowing me to sleep. Now it's just become a bad habit that I need to break before classes begin at the end of this month. This means sacrificing certain activities (such as reading one more chapter of a book or watching one more episode of a show I'm hooked on) but it'll be worth it for my health. I try to aim for 6-7.5 hours because I've noticed that that is what works best for me and my mental sharpness.
• Not listening to what food my body craves. I won't sugar coat it -- I've been eating lousy (yet delicious) food lately. My diet has consisted of a lot of fast, greasy foods which is why my heartburn has been terrible lately. When I see certain foods, my (literal) gut reaction is "ugh, no more" but sometimes it's all that's available so I eat it... and then suffer the consequences. I've also not eaten at times because we run out of food and I can't get to a grocery store because it's too hot outside (and I had no working a/c in my car for most of the summer thus far). With my stomach as sensitive as it has been lately, I'm going to make a list of which fruits and vegetables work (in terms of the acidity my stomach can handle and which foods I'm not allergic to) so I can incorporate more of them into my diet.
  
• Not attending confession or Mass for the past 5 weeks. Yes, I know, that's a mortal sin. I have my excuses but it still doesn't feel right. Not only that but not going to confession has had the unfortunate consequence of bad habits popping up again. Since I'm no longer sick like I was early last month, the Sand Fire is no longer an issue (we were advised to stay home because of the air quality being poor and our parish is only a couple of miles from where it was), and since the heat wave we had (which peaked at around 115 degrees or so and left me indoors for 2 straight weeks) is over, I no longer have any excuses. This past weekend was the first on which we could attend Mass without the lack of a/c being a factor (since it was fixed) but both my mom and I didn't feel well enough to attend Mass (she had painful arthritis that not even painkillers helped with and I had a stomach issue which seems to have peaked yesterday). I was kind of miffed that I couldn't attend this weekend after waiting for so long but I'm going to make sure I eat healthier so I don't have a repeat of this weekend. You guys don't know how much I've been wanting to go to both confession and Mass. We've even tried (and failed) to go during the week. It's a yearning at this point. I'm determined to make things right this weekend. Prayers that we're able to go to both, please?

Anyone (that I know offline) want to keep me accountable for any of the three things that I need to work in this month? I give you my permission to get on my case if needed. I'm serious.

That's it for now. I have the house to myself for only 2 more hours so I want to enjoy the silence and the slow pace while I still can. I love my mom but living with an uber-extroverted personality isn't easy when you're an introvert. I need to recharge my energy battery while I still can. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Grad School Blues

Grad school and I have had a bumpy start for several reasons. First, I was hit with incredibly debilitating physical fatigue. Seriously, I sleep until 11 a.m. to noon most days because I'm so exhausted. I have no idea where this is coming from. I'm not pale enough to think it's anemia once again and I'm not bruising anywhere so I doubt it's low platelets again. We have a theory that it's because I've been cooped up in the house for so long. Well, that's mom's theory. I just think my body is out of whack due to the stress I've been experiencing lately. No, not school stress; just other personal stresses that have come up lately. Either way, I lose prime studying/reading time because it's so hard for me to wake up some mornings.

Then another bump in the road and it was something I couldn't control. I was on top of the readings and everything... and then the lecture videos had glitches for almost an entire week. That pushed things back and disrupted the awesome study flow I had going on. This is not good for me since I do best when I stick to my schedule. Not only that, no one warned me that grad school is a lot less structured than undergrad or, really, most of my academic experience. No deadlines on exams? Only deadlines on research papers? Whaaaat?! Does not compute!

I like having a bit of structure, especially when it comes to academia. I like deadlines because I can easily get distracted and procrastinate. I do my best work under deadlines... well, as long as there's a little wiggle room for anything that may come up. I think I just like having those goals. There's something very satisfying about crossing things off of a to-do list... and I can't really do that right now. I mean, I can -- I can give myself deadlines -- but it's not the same because I can find excuses to put it off "just one more day," you know? Sometimes it's not hard for me to work under self-imposed deadlines... but with everything else going on, it's hard.

I've been going through some majorly confusing things in my personal life. My mom's going through something that we never anticipated we'd have to deal with and it's been hard for me to see it unfold. I feel almost helpless in this particular situation and it's dampened my spirits quite a bit. It's made me feel very angry. I'm sure those closest to me are surprised at how upset I've been (even when I haven't shown it)... and how long it's lasted since I usually get over things pretty quickly. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is what's been taking a toll on me, physically.

On top of that, I had something else that came up which threw me for a loop. It was quite unexpected and it took me days to sort through. The good news is that this particular thing is actually pretty exciting (in a way) but it was still incredibly distracting nonetheless. I had to make some big decisions that took me out of my comfort zone. I actually tried to put it off for a couple of days but it just distracted me from concentrating on school work. After a solid heart-to-heart talk with mom about my fears and worries, I'm at peace with my decision. I know I'm still going to bring up at my next spiritual direction meeting because it's one of those decisions that is going to change a lot of things for me. That's basically all I can say about this... for now, at least. Prayers for this (as well as for mom's situation) would be greatly appreciated.

As you can see... lots going on. I've been trying to do little things for myself -- like working on an autumn-themed jigsaw puzzle and re-reading Anne of Green Gables before bedtime -- but I'm still exhausted and I can't concentrate most days. I feel so horrible for not being as "on top" of things regarding school as I was the first week but there's been so much going on. It's a miracle that I'm still functioning like a human being. A very tired, sleepy one but one that hasn't had a panic attack, thank goodness. Not the best way to start grad school but if I can survive this, the rest of my time at JP Catholic will be great. :)

I'm just rambling on at this point. I'm going to help myself to some freshly baked French bread and a cup of tea before I dive back into making sure I'm on top of my coursework.

I hope everyone is doing well and that y'all have a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When It Rains, It Pours. So Why am I Smiling?

I feel very much like the poor kitty in this picture. I have two more weeks until finals week so we're getting slammed by work that the professors are trying to catch up on. THIS is why I haven't posted in (nearly) a month. My week is mostly spent at school (yes, still at the CINO... more on that coming up), traveling to and from school, and/or reading. Even though this may be, I am still slightly behind in my schoolwork. I've quickly come to realize that anything over a 3.0 or 3.5 is a pipe dream at the CINO (I currently have a 2.88 and -- geek alert -- I used to get anywhere between 3.5 and 4.0 per semester) but since I decided not to compromise my beliefs for better grades... well... yeah. Unfortunately, I need at least a 3.0 because of the award/scholarship that will keep me at that school... and I need it after financial aid problems I've encountered this past week.

If you're living in California and in college you may familiar with Cal Grants. I've received a Cal Grant for three years (of four years of eligibility) and I've been told that that is it. I've been trying to fight the "verdict" of the California Student Aid Commission (I spent hours on the phone with them as well as my current college and former community college) and was basically told, in the rudest manner possible, that four years are not guaranteed, that I should not fight it, and that I'm done. I am going to start a novena to St. Jude Thaddeus today and the Divine Mercy novena starting on Good Friday (although that one is for another intention) because I need that Cal Grant. At this point I'm willing to take out the loans needed to graduate (as next year will be my senior year) but I know I should be eligible for one more year and I won't give up without a fight. Of course, I am fully prepared to think about going elsewhere if it's God's will for me to finish my Bachelor of Arts somewhere else. (side note: I think this is something that a lot of us forget... even if we do novenas and pray, things may not come to fruition because it's simply not God's will for us.)

I've been having one of those "when it rains, it pours" spells. The past two weeks have been horrible. I misunderstanding with a friend (which might've cost the friendship) was the first bump and I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. It's definitely been a trying time. I've had moments where I've felt this sense of despair trying to wash over me but I was able (with a lot of work) to keep it away. Yesterday especially was a hard day when it seemed that it was impossible for me to pay for my senior year of college. I had these "it's over... that's it" moments and when my mom mentioned that I should leave it in God's hands I felt a sense of anger trying to creep in... and it was very unlike me to react that way. I was not angry that my mom was saying these things because I kept that first and foremost in my mind. I kept saying "No... no. God has got my back. He knows what's best for me. Everything will work out" even though I had these conflicting emotions. Like I said, it was a very unusual thing for me to feel this but, thanks be to God, I was able to keep those incredibly negative and horrible thoughts and feelings away. Now, for the record, I am not saying that there was some supernatural, evil force that had a hand in my inner conflict yesterday... or lately. I cannot sit here and speculate. However, I can, and am, acknowledging that I certainly kept thinking that God has and always will be there for me and that is enough reason for me to smile.

While it can feel as if everything is slowly falling around me, I have to keep in mind that everything happens for a reason and that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's the fact that I'm an "eternal optimist" and am always looking for hope in the bleakest of situations. The potential end of the friendship? If it does end maybe it's for the best for both people involved. I have no ill thoughts or will towards the other person and I'm willing to talk through things but if it's not in God's will that it is repaired, for whatever reason, may His will be done. If I end up losing my Cal Grant and my scholarship (scary thought for this self-proclaimed academic nerd) and if I apply elsewhere (not a CINO college, I learned the hard way to stay away from those) and get a better financial aid packet, that's where I'll go. It's really hard for me to think that these things may end or that plans may drastically change but if it's what's best for me then I must do it. Just knowing that I truly believe that every obstacle I will encounter will only make me a stronger person and will only bring me closer to God keeps me going. To quote Dory from Finding Nemo: "Just keep swimming... just keep swimming..." With God at my side, I have nothing to worry about. That alone will keep me smiling that dorky smile I have (haha, it really is dorky) and will keep me centered.

Anyway, I know I'm not the only one going through this nor is my situation the worst so I will remember all of y'all in my prayers. We Catholics need to have each other's backs during these "when it rains, it pours" moments. :)

I think I should finish this post so I can finish homework due in an hour and a half. Yeah... cutting it close but it's my only chance to update for the rest of the day. I will try to post more often as I have a feeling that writing will keep me slightly saner during finals week and the final push of the semester. :D

I hope y'all are having a good week thus far and, if not, let me know if there's anything I can do... even if it's a novena or a simple prayer. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Heart Monitor; Religion in Beowulf and Literature; Novel Playlist.

As I type this out, I am on hour 2 of wearing a 24-hour heart monitor. They want to make sure the palpitations I've been having, as well as the shortness of breath, is due to my stress and anxiety levels and not my heart. I already had an echo-cardiogram done last *thinks* November and my heart is completely healthy but they want to rule everything out. I would've been very nervous a few months ago but, with all the tests they've done for various things, I'm used to it. The only thing is that this little monitor is a pain in the tush. lol. It hangs around my neck and it weighs me down a bit... not to mention all the electric wires taped on me. It's also annoying because I can't sit or do many normal movements. I feel stiff, ick. But it's all for the best (and only a little under 22 more hours, WHOO!) so I'll suck it up. lol.

Of course, the day that I had this thing put on is the day I had problems with an academic counselor and the financial aid office. Hey, it's not my fault they don't know what they're doing. To try to put the blame on me for things they messed up IS messed up. As I said a few entries ago, I knew I would have problems with the financial aid department but I never thought they'd make me shed tears. I'm a sensitive person so the way I got treated (honestly, I felt an inch tall -- and I have NO FAULT in the matter) just opened the water works. Can I start my transfer applications yet? lol. (ed.: I have to wait until next month to begin those.)

I am going to try to finish this blog so I can work on my critical analysis of Beowulf that is due tomorrow morning. I chose to dissect it from a religious prospective (makes sense, as a Religious Studies major, right?). I never noticed how many religious symbols were in Literature. I honestly didn't notice it until my Brit Lit professor pointed it out. Just looking at Beowulf, he (Beowulf) represents all that is good and holy, Grendel symbolizes all that is evil, and the materialism can be seen as avarice (greed) which is a sin. It's all really interesting. If anyone is (or will, in the future) do anything like this for a Lit class, please feel free to ask me questions or compare notes. I have a pretty good idea of what I want to write and which examples I'll be using, I just have to finish Beowulf. Hey, haven't I been saying that for the past couple of blogs? lol. Well, I can't help if I am not a big fan of it thus making it harder for me to finish reading it. lol.

Alright, well, before I conclude this blog (wow, that sounded so formal), I want to give you guys something fun. Well, I think it's fun. lol. I decided to upload some songs (and more to come throughout the day) that have either inspired scenes in my novel/screenplay or are mentioned in it (there's quite a lot of music in it). Since I didn't write it in order, the songs are not in order. Just a few clues: it's a dramedy (dramatic comedy), the story is seen from both the male and female protagonists points of view, and it takes place in 3 different countries (the U.S., a British country, and a Spanish-speaking country). The more alternative/rock songs were mainly used when working on the male protagonist; the jazz/swing/pop were mostly for the female protagonist with a few songs used for both or for certain scenes. That's all I'm saying. :D

Oh, and side note: The Donna's "Fall Behind Me" has a word that some of you might be uncomfortable hearing. You may want to skip over it. It's not a bad, bad word; it's another word for "mess" up and it's also the name of something you need a screwdriver to put into place. You've been warned.

The playlist will be on the right hand side so you can always come back and listen to it or see what I've added.

That's it for now. I have a lot of work to do so... as always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Brain Overload; Feeling Blessed and Thankful.

Oy. My brain is overloaded with facts of Hinduism. I'm about 2 days late on my paper about Hinduism, as well. :( Bah! I didn't have the cash, or transportation, to get the book on time thus making me fall behind. Luckily, we have a 2 day grace period so... I am going to get to that as soon as I finish this blog. Between my History of World Religions and British Literature courses, I have very little free time. I am not too stressed about my other courses because they don't make my head and eyes hurt as much (in other words, not as much reading). I will be so happy once we're a quarter into the semester because that's when the professor stop loading us with huge amounts of work. I will also need a massage by the end of this coming weekend because I already have knots in my shoulders and back from all the stress. Okay, I will stop my ranting right about... now. lol.

I went Mass today but left about a bit early because I felt like I was going to pass out (I also left my Oceanography course earlier in the day early for the same reason). Since my father and I weren't seated together (long story), he didn't see when I slipped out. I had to wait out by the car until Mass was done... but what I received during that time made up for my missing Mass (well, at least the bummed out feeling of not making it through the Mass) was fantastic. A young girl came up to me (while I was dabbing my forehead with a cold paper towel I got from the bathroom) and asked to borrow my cell phone. She then started up a conversation in which she was very open about her life with me. I've never encountered someone who was that trusting with a stranger. Even though she's a decade younger than I am (wow, that make me feel old, lol), she's lived so much more than I have. She has a child and has gone through heck and back. As she was telling me all these things, I felt very sad for her but personally very blessed at the same time. She asked me questions like whether I had a boyfriend or had kids, whether I was in school, and whether I was saving myself for marriage (though she used more colorful words). I was VERY shocked she would ask me such personal questions but I felt like I had to be very honest with her. I usually just say "I'm sorry but it's none of your business" but I answered all her questions. I think she was very surprised by my answers, especially when I told her I was 23 and not 15 years-old like she thought I was. (Side note: Yes, I'm often mistaken for a teenager. I look anywhere from 15-19 according to people.) I was shocked when she started using the foul language she used. Every other word was the f-bomb. This was on a bench outside of church, too. I kept thinking "How can someone be so disrespectful at church?" Granted, we weren't inside but we were still a couple of feet away. Talking to her and hearing her words, I mean really hearing her, made me very so blessed and thankful for the life I've had.

Even though I've had really sad things happen, I've been able to stay on a pretty good path. Even during my time away from the Church, I didn't go crazy. I never really went through a stage of teenage rebellion. I did sort of have a mini one when I was 18-19 but it was in the form of getting home a few minutes (like 10 minutes) later than I said I would be (coming home from a concert). That's not exactly rebellion, is it? lol. I never did anything anyone else was doing in my circle of "friends". That was my rebellion; not doing something because everyone was doing it. Though I did have some slip-ups, like lying and swearing (I call that the "Lost" part of my youth; all around the time I was away from the Church), I never got to the point of doing huge self-destructive things. I think God blessed me with enough common sense to not do those things. There have been a number of times where I could have easily strayed and done things I would've greatly regretted. Thankfully, I've always known how or when to get myself out of those situations. Once, I sent my friend an S.O.S. text, he called me and got me out of the situation and I'm forever grateful for it.

So, during my chat with the young woman, I thought about all I've gone through and I was so thankful to God for everything. I honestly feel so blessed to have had the experiences I've had (both good and bad) because they've gotten me to where I am in life. Though I have sinned (but, really, who hasn't?), I've confessed those sins and I've made a great effort to stay on the right path. And I owe it all to my faith and to God. Without my faith, prayer, and everything else I would be completely depressed and probably still sick from all the negative thoughts and feelings. If I didn't have the Rosary or my own little journal thing I keep to Our Lady (Blessed Mother), I would've been nutty (well, nuttier, lol).

Isn't it amazing how I got all of this from church though not through Mass? Of course, I would've stayed for the entire Mass if I hadn't felt lightheaded and faint like I did. And, of course, I would've learned a lot for today's readings. I think that this whole thing happened for a reason -- me leaving a few minutes early and chatting to the girl. It certainly made me appreciate everything, especially my parents. :D

Alright, well I think I've taken enough of your time for today. :D I have got to get back to cramming more Hinduism facts into my brain (so many deities in that religion...) so I can finish that paper.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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