Just When I Felt All Alone...

Apparently, I didn't need the days I originally believed it would take me to sort everything out. In fact, it only took me a little over 24 hours. Yay! I do not like being stuck in emo-land. For someone who is happy a good 98.9% of the time, it's very hard and just blah to feel as miserable as I felt most of Wednesday and Thursday. To hear that my dad might potentially have cancer again, not even a year since being declared cancer free, really hit me hard. This entire week was absolutely horrible for me. I had a lot of huge decisions to make so I was already overwhelmed prior to this news. Ever since Sunday, when I went to check out the dorms, I've had to make the decision on whether to live away from home (for the first time ever) or to commute. I don't live that far from campus but the 405 freeway is a nightmare in the morning. I've had to re-think a lot of other decisions I had made before about a lot of things. I'm a little behind on my schoolwork so I've been trying to catch up on that. Just a lot of things have hit me at once, and it's a wonder I didn't have a massive panic attack.

I'll be the first to admit that, though it takes a lot to get me really upset, when I get very sad, I shut down. Sometimes I just need a hug from a friend or at least a little mini-rant that will help me get it out of my system. Sadly, I did not have that. I came to the very sad realization that I had no one to go to when I was feeling this way. I have the very unfortunate luck when it comes to this. Whenever I need someone to talk to, I don't have anyone... but when my friends need someone to talk to, I'm always there. I've even gotten text messages at 3 in the morning, which I've gotten up and talked to my friends because they needed me. I don't have that. My friends disappear when I need that kind of support... and it really sucks. Sadly, this has been a reoccurring theme for me. Except for a couple of people whom I barely know, mostly on twitter, saying that they were going to say prayers for my dad, I felt like I was all alone. I think you can imagine just how much that weighed on my mind.

So there I was upset because, even though I pride myself on being self-reliant and self-sufficient, I do need people to keep me sane... when I had two thoughts pop into my head. First, how incredibly selfish I was for feeling hurt that my friends were not there when I needed them. Not only that, but making this about myself. I should really focus on making sure dad gets to all the tests he needs to go to (which, btw, he's refusing) and just trying to make sure he's as comfortable as he can get.

The second thought was "Wait a second... what do you mean you're all alone? No, you're not!" My thoughts went immediately to how Christ felt the same way, like he was alone, crying out loud "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" when he was up on that cross. I'm not comparing myself to Him in any way. I'm just saying that at times when we feel like we're completely alone, we have to remember that we're not. I think a lot of us forget that from time to time, especially when things seem bleak. I haven't really prayed as much as I used to and I haven't been doing so great this Lent season. I definitely have legitimate excuses but there should be no excuses no matter what I'm going through. How I can expect to feel like I'm not alone when the one thing that has always made me feel happy has not been present in my life?

I've often found comfort and relief in prayer and in immersing myself completely in my faith. I've done it many times before. One of the best ways has been by praying the Rosary. I used to pray it many times a day, or at least once a day... and I haven't for months. I could be feeling just absolutely horrible but praying the Rosary will immediately make me feel close to Our Blessed Mother with God. I've been so out of it when it comes to my prayers (I've only said one novena to St. Philomena recently, an almost daily prayer to St. Dymphna, and occasionally a Rosary here and there), that it didn't even come into my mind to do this. It wasn't until I turned on my iPod touch that I realized this, because as soon as I turned it on the Rosary application on it opened. I didn't even touch the app, it just opened. If that's a sign, I don't know what is. That was my wake up call.

Once I realized what I was doing wrong, everything looked up. A few decisions were made, which I'm happy about. I still have the pressing "Should I live at home or not?" question on my mind because I need to submit the housing deposit this coming week but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon. Also, while my friends disappeared, my friend Misha, whom I've mentioned before, surprised me with a visit. As I've written before, this girl has gone through heck and back with me and I still think she's my rock. After many failed attempts of getting together whenever we're in the same city (when she's in L.A. we can't get together for some reason or I'm not in the U.S. when she is... and she's in London when I'm here), we finally got the chance to hang out for a little bit. I truly think God sent her to me when I needed a friend. I really do. She came over and we just talked... and laughed. It felt great to just let it all go. If you're one of my Facebook buddies, I posted a couple of pictures of us together. I look like a mess, but, hey, I wasn't doing too good up a bit before I saw her so it's okay. :)

Anyway, I think I've written more than I intended to. Sorry, it's the writer in me. I hope everyone has a great Easter. I'll probably write once more before then because it'll be the last I can before my last midterm on Monday. Okay, enough stalling from the studying. lol.

As always, thank you for reading and God Bless.

P.S. If you're in the San Fernando Valley area of L.A., Bishop Wilkerson is doing the Good Friday Service at Mary Immaculate in Pacoima at 7 p.m. tonight. Just thought I'd pass it along. :D

Fighting FOCA, Professors; Lent; Music Monday.

The picture, and the message in the picture, is simple enough, right? As Catholics and Christians (and, really, human beings), it is our duty to protect all lives... from moment of conception until natural death. It's horrible to think that people are so gung-ho about getting the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) passed. The basic gist of it (without really getting into the specifics) is that if the law passes abortions will be completely legal in all 50 States and Catholic hospitals will have to close. President Obama has shown his support for it since before he was elected. In fact, he said that one of the first things he wanted to do once he became president was to make sure it passed. Because it's OBVIOUSLY the best thing he can do for this country and the people he's supposed to have his best interests for. (I hope you can note my sarcasm is the last sentence.) Give me a break!

I think you can guess what my position on this whole deal is, and since I know a lot of other Catholic and Christian bloggers, I won't rant about the FOCA. Instead, I will share some pictures that I took at Our Lady of Peace, one of the parishes in the Los Angeles Archdiocese. It was taken two weekends ago. This was part of the 40 Days for Life campaign many local Catholic churches are doing during Lent. If you ask me, this is so much better than giving up something for Lent. (Click on the pictures to make them bigger. Oh, and if you want to use them, please ask.)

Information table.

From Fighting FOCA

Signs letting the parishioners know what the cause was.

From Fighting FOCA

Information about the FOCA for all to see/read.

From Fighting FOCA

Do you need more than this baby to show you what you can help prevent by fighting FOCA?

From Fighting FOCA

There wasn't really more that I could take pictures of. It was a simple, yet effective, thing they were doing. Both mom and I signed the postcards/letters that were sent to President Obama, Senator Barbara Boxer, and our local councilman. Oh, and have I mentioned that someone at Sen. Boxer's office emailed me asking me to sign some thing to THANK Pres. Obama for everything he's done for us so far and for trying to get the FOCA to pass? I knew Sen. Boxer was pro-choice before I opened the email so I was said, out loud, "Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying." I will NOT sign anything that shows even once iota of support for a man who's fighting to pass something incredibly harmful to human beings. No way in you-know-where.

You know what else I refuse to do? I refuse to back down from talking about my beliefs in a classroom. If you read one of my previous updates, you know about the Speech professor at a Los Angeles Community College that called a student a "fascist b****rd" for using his beliefs to make a point. Remember how I said that it affected me, because I'm currently (for this semester only) within the L.A.C.C. system? Well, little did I know I would ALSO have similar issues with a different professor. I currently have a professor who seems so offended by talking about our own beliefs, that it's hard to enjoy the class. Not only has he told us to "keep dogma out of the class" and has had issues with another classmate of mine over it, he has allowed other students to attack said classmate. I'm seriously waiting for them to attack me (though, I should check my messages before I am certain no one's attacked me yet) because I've already spoken up on behalf of myself and my fellow classmate. He and I will no doubt be joining forces (we've already discussed a bit about this in private) and having each others' backs this semester. I usually don't bring religion into a class discussion that isn't about the subject but when a professor asks us what we believe in true, saying that we believe in God and that He is the truth should NOT be an issue. I'll keep you guys updated on this. I have a feeling this won't be the last time I'll be mentioning it. (side note: I'm SO HAPPY I'll be attending a Catholic uni. this Fall!)

Anyway... ooh, so, I'm wondering what everyone gave up for Lent. I didn't give anything up because I give up different things throughout the year (I'm currently on an "no iTunes or mp3 purchases" thing until the end of March, possibly Lent). I AM going to be donating at least one thing every weekend during Lent, though. Food, clothing, money... that is what I'm going to give. Honestly, the giving up something during Lent thing doesn't have as big of an effect on me because, as I said, I routinely give up things during the year. Giving, though, makes Lent that more special and contemplative for me... especially with the way the economy is looking. Did anyone give up facebook? I know a few people have done that in the past, including myself. Any specific foods and/or drinks? I know Lent is more than just "giving up" something; I'm just curious to see who gave something up and why. We all have our different reasons, and ways of celebrating Lent. :D

Alright, well, I DO have more to right but I'll give you guys at least a few hours to digest this one. I might write another post tomorrow but no guarantees. He Who I Refuse to Name (haha) has been giving me a lot of inspiration for the novel so the creativity is flowing. A couple more of our movie dates and I will be done with the novel before I know it. :D

Oh, and one more thing... I want to start a new tradition on here. Much like Dymphna's Well and her Astaire Fridays (which is where I got this idea!), I will be posting a youtube video of a song that has a special meaning to me OR that I think you would like. The first video is by someone near and dear to me with awesome music! I've written about her in a past blog. Okay, so, yes, I'm a little biased when it comes to her music because, well, she's been one of my best friends since I was 16-17 years-old... but honestly, I LOVE her music and would whether I personally knew her or not. Without further ado, "She's Got It" by Misha Williams. :D



*cough*Go check out her music!*cough* :D Alright, it's past midnight and I need to get some sleep. I didn't anticipate the blog being this long... or it taking this long to write. Yikes! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!
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Oh, Doctor!; Priest's Satan Dream; Music = Love, Friendship.

Why must the doctors exaggerate things? Seriously, it's like their goal to freak people out -- especially when they don't explain things. I had my follow appointment (which I made 3 months ago when I was sick) yesterday with a new doctor and she right off the bat said that I needed to wear a heart monitor. Doctor says WHAT?! She said my results came back abnormal (the same results VARIOUS doctors have told me were normal) and that they needed to put a 24-hour heart monitor on me in mid-September. That was it. She didn't say what she thought was abnormal, etc etc. Now, the me from 4 months ago would've totally wigged out and my anxiety would've soared sky high. The me now is like "Pfft, whatever. I'll do it to make you guys happy." lol. I feel fine. Yes, I do get palpitations occasionally but I've had those for a while now and I was told that many women have that so not to worry. Also, the palpitations are often caused by anxiety. One of my good friends (who is like a sister to me) had the same thing done to her (only for a longer period of time) and she turned out fine. She said the same thing I've been told, about how a lot of women have that condition. So, I'm totally not gonna stress... and have been surprisingly zen about the whole thing. I think I've reached a point where I have put myself in the Lord's hands so many times that I am no longer worried about what could happen. Take that, anxiety! I am beating you like a drummer beats a drum. lol. :D

Something that was interesting (today), Fr. Roderick spoke about a dream he had about Satan on his podcast, the Daily Breakfast. It was really interesting because I haven't heard a priest I've (sort of) known who's had dreams like that... or that have shared them. You know me, when it comes to dreams about saints, Our Lord, the Blessed Virgin, I am interested. If you want to listen to the podcast please click this link (Satan's Party) so you can hear all the details for Fr. Roderick himself. I wonder if many priests have dreams like this at least once in their lifetime. I know I've only had a few where I've fought against him (yeah, I don't think I've ever blogged about those... I don't remember) but still, those are some creepy things to dream. And if any of you want to share any of your dreams with me, you can either reply to one of the dream blogs or email me at catholicnerdwriter [at] gmail [dot] com. Yes, I got an e-mail address specifically for this blog. :D Moving on...

As I've often said in previous music blogs, I LOVE music. It might even be my first love, after French fries. lol. I can go into this whole rant about how the music industry glorifies drug use, adultery, murder, people going to rehab, etc but I won't. I've already written about Contemporary Christian music so I thought I'd focus on music on a personal level. What I love about music (besides, obviously, THE music) is that it brings people together, sometimes people you wouldn't have met otherwise. I've had many beautiful friendships formed by meeting people with similar music tastes. In fact, one of best friends and I met because we both loved the same band (and, ironically, disliked the same band later on) years ago. It's amazing when I can have a certain album just bring out the best out of me... especially when that album is made by one of my best friends.

I've known this young woman for years. We met when we were teenagers when we were both starting out in our careers (although mine was different back then). She's been through some of the most difficult times with me (through both of my father's cancer battles, dealing with the most evil guy I've ever known, my own illnesses, etc.); basically this girl has been my rock through it all. About 2 years ago, she released her debut album in the U.K. (and last year in Japan) and, I have to say, I love the album and not just because she's one of my best friends. It's upbeat and positive, and it's one of those albums that you can play from start to finish. It's one of those albums that make you smile. Ever have an album that reminds you of an amazing time in your life every time you hear it? That's her album for me. She can be on tour and we'll lose contact for a few weeks, or even months, but if I'm going through something really tough I can always put the CD in and it's like she's there with me without being physically there. It's fantastic what music can, isn't it? I asked her in advance if it was okay to mention her and her album on this blog and she gave me the okay. :D Her name is Misha Williams and you can visit her site by clicking on her name/link. Don't bother asking her who writes this blog, she won't tell. :D lol.

Alright, well, it's still early in the day and I have a million and one things to do so I will stop. And, I think I wrote too much today. lol. Sorry, I'm a writer; it's a habit. :D Hope everyone's doing well. Thanks for reading and God Bless.