The Coronavirus Pandemic from the POV of a Chronically Ill Catholic

I just got off the phone with my doctor. She told me to ask friends to get the medication she ordered for me (and, eventually, food) because I need to stay at home during this time.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

I would be lying if I said I didn't experience at least one minor anxiety attack per day when (I'm sure) well-meaning people trying to "prepare" me with stats and facts go overboard.

I would be lying if I said that I don't cry every day from feeling overwhelmed by everything going on. Putting aside my own selfish fears for myself, as an HSP, I easily absorb the feelings of those around me so I feel it all.

The CDC released a list of 10 medical conditions that are most at risk for "severe coronavirus illness". On that was list was blood disorders... which I have.

I've suffered from chronic thrombocytopenia (low platelets) for over 12 years now. I've had chronic anemia (on and off) for the past 5-6 years. I also occasionally have pancytopenia, meaning that my platelets, red and white blood counts are all under normal count from time to time.

I also have additional factors that put me at risk -- a liver issue they're still trying to figure out, malnutrition from the multiple food allergies that have severely restricted my diet (I can only have 4-5 foods... period), and I'm underweight from the restricted diet and recently emotional toll of family and relationship problems I faced. They're also trying to figure out which autoimmune disease may be causing my bilateral optic nerve edemas as well as my other health problems. Right now, the two that are most likely are MCAS or Sjogren's Syndrome.

My mother, who is 65, works in a convalescent hospital where about 99% of the patients are over 75 years old. She has her own medical issues that put her at risk. With the news and everyone talking about the coronavirus 24/7, is it any wonder we're both stressed out?

That's part of the reason why I decided to take a break from Twitter. Yes, the other part was because people were being rude. I've received threats. I've been stalked. I've been made to feel like I'm absolute trash unworthy to call myself a Catholic or even a decent human being. I've had people twist my words and/or imply that I was an idiot because I've asked for prayers when I've faced difficult situations.

Some people act like they know my body and my medical history better than I do, scaring me by telling me my heartburn (which I've dealt with since my teens) is really a symptom of a heart attack and that I'm a complete idiot for not going to the ER because they are a doctor/EMT/nurse and they know better than I, a simpleton, do. Yes, please, advise me to go to the ER for a bad GERD/heartburn flare-up almost identical to all the those I've experienced before... during a time where it could be potentially dangerous for me to contract something more severe. And, for the record, yes, I just spoke to my doctor about how bad the heartburn got and she advised me to take medication, go on a bland diet, and drink a lot of water for it. But, please, continue telling me I'm an idiot for not going to the ER.

All of these things, plus news of the pandemic, have been taxing on my mental health... which exacerbates the physical symptoms, acid reflux included. It's a never-ending cycle, y'all.

Crying is how I release the tension when I feel overwhelmed. Crying... and prayer.

Prayer hasn't been easy for me these days. My mind wanders easily; jumps straight into all the fears for my health and those of my loved ones (mother, brother, friends, etc.) I can't concentrate. I occasionally have to force myself to go through my daily prayer routine but I get it done. This is what the devil wants. He wants us to focus on ourselves and our fears (he loves when we live in fear) and turn our back on God during these difficult moments. While it's hard, given our fallen human nature, to not think about our fears and ourselves, we must try.

I was blessed to have prayed the Rosary with two of my good friends via FaceTime audio earlier today. It was one of the handfuls of times this week I was able to concentrate a bit better while praying. I hope to continue being able to pray with them (and other friends) while we're on lockdown because it does help. I'm stuck at home all day and since my mom works 5 days a week, I'm often by myself. I know I'm an introvert but science has proven that we do need a little bit of human interaction now and then, especially those of us who are sick.

I agree that it's been awful to have public Masses canceled but I understand why the decision was made. Trust me, I have prayed for months to be able to attend daily Mass... and I was finally getting that desire fulfilled. I went from attending daily Mass to having to stay home because of the risks, something I struggled with obeying. My initial reaction was "flip that table! I'm going to Mass, virus or no virus!" In fact, when I went to my last Mass a week ago, I went knowing I was risking it... and I spent the entire Mass with palpitations. After that impulse calmed down and I really thought about how God would want me to take care of the body He gave me -- and knowing that I was dispensed from the obligation of attending Mass -- I made the decision to obey. Obedience is a pillar in the Benedictine spirituality and one that has been hard for me to cultivate as a very stubborn and independent person. I keep trying to remember that those who are spiritually more mature and have more medical knowledge than I do have placed these rules for a reason so I will humbly submit to them.

Thankfully, I've always known of additional resources for when I'm stuck at home -- I've even written two articles on it for EpicPew (4 Ways to Experience the Mass Even If You're Stuck at Home and Discover These Underutilized Catholic Websites And Resources!). I can watch Mass, even do holy hours, via online websites. Does that mean it's an easy transition for me? No! It's still difficult for me to be away from my parish and the Sacraments. Do you think I want to be away from my Beloved, in the tabernacle or the adoration chapel, just when I've realized that I want nothing more than to be His future bride as a consecrated virgin? No! It's especially painful for me right now; right when I've finally figured out what my true vocation is. Still, I obey... and I remind myself that He is with me, even when I'm at home.

Oh, and for those who may be new to the blog... this isn't the first time I've been without the Sacraments for a long period of time. I've gone several months without the Eucharist before (when I was put on a gluten-free diet and before I was able to receive low-gluten hosts) so this isn't new territory for me... but it's somehow now harder than ever because of where I am in my spiritual life and vocation discernment.

Instead of dumping on poor Archbishop Gomez like so many other people are doing, I'm going to personally thank him. As a chronically ill Catholic, I know what it feels like to be thought of as a burden to others -- to those who are healthy and are "punished" because some of us are physically weaker than them. I understand the frustration of those who want to be able to attend Mass and receive the Sacraments but can't because "weaklings" like me could be exposed to something, if not directly than through contact with someone in our family who is healthy and attended Mass but was possibly infected by someone else who is in a low-risk group. Yes, we need Christ and the Sacraments now more than ever, but he made an extremely difficult decision because he, as the spiritual father of the Los Angeles Archdiocese, wanted to err on the side of caution. It's called prudence and it's a virtue, y'all. And, who says God isn't with us in our homes and wherever we are at all times?

Do you think it was a decision Archbishop Gomez (and, likewise, other spiritual leaders across the States and worldwide) made lightly? No. I've heard from several sources that those closest to our Archbishop say it was a difficult decision for him to make; one that weighed heavily on him. He cares about us and our well being, no matter what some people say. I don't even want to hear from those of you who are calling him a coward or saying that he cares more about our bodies than our souls. Now is not the time to be uncharitable. Now is the time to get together and pray for our priests who are at the front of the line. They are the ones who, along with those in the medical fields, will be dealing with folks severely infected with the virus. They will be administering the anointing of the sick and/or last rites. They are the ones who will risk their own safety and health for others.

Need I remind y'all that receiving the Eucharist frequently is a luxury we've all gotten used to.. and often take for granted? I've read that St. Therese only received it once a month. Those who live in rural areas who share a priest with multiple other communities don't have that same luxury we do. We have spiritual communion we can do that is completely valid; something we can do multiple times per day from what I've learned.

We have the gift of technology that allows us to watch Mass being celebrated. We can get together with others at a distance to pray together; to bring comfort to one another during these trials through a variety of different platforms. I even had the opportunity to receive impromptu spiritual direction via FaceTime because I was unable to leave the house at the last minute yesterday (guess whose car broke down... again). We have so many resources at our disposals and we have so many opportunities to use social media and the internet to spread the Good News and bring God to others, yet we're using it to tear one another apart; to bring negativity and division instead of unity.

I know that my saying all of this will fall on deaf ears to some but I hope others will try to see things from the POV of someone like me.

I don't want to see negativity on my social media timelines, it doesn't do me any good -- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or even physically (since my emotional health tends to be closely tied to my physical wellbeing).

I don't want people attacking anyone else, whether they're personally attacking me or someone else whose views differ from theirs.

I want us to unite, as the body of Christ, and pray for one another. Not just for those of us a risk but everyone else. Odds are you know someone -- a family member, a friend, a coworker, an acquaintance, your own parish priest -- who is at risk. Pray for them.

Pray for those in the medical field. Doctors, specialists, nurses, EMTs, even the staff at clinics and hospitals. They are at the front of the line... and then go home to their families who are also put at risk.

Pray for priests, even the young and healthy ones, who will witness so much suffering -- even if that suffering is in the form of devout parishioners begging them to do "underground" Masses because they're so desperate to receive the Eucharist.

Pray for those who have been infected, whether they're in recovery or are still suffering. Pray for their loved ones who hurt seeing them suffer.

Pray for the souls of those who've lost their lives due to this virus as well as their families and friends who are grieving.

Pray for those who are poor in spirit; those who reject God and those who don't know Him out of ignorance.

If you're a fellow chronic illness sufferer, may I suggest offering up our aches and pains -- physical, emotional, and mental -- for others? We have such a gift to give by uniting our suffering with that of Christ on the Cross. As Pope St. John Paul II reminded us in Salvific Doloris, we can offer up our suffering for the good of others. Think about it, Jesus was surrounded by those who were suffering before He Himself suffered the agony on the Cross. He knows what we're going through... and knew pain and agony far worse than we will experience. The graces He will pour out into the world will be greater and sweeter because He knows how much pain we're in and how much courage it takes to endure the pain for the sake of others.

Anyway, I just wanted to put my two cents in because I haven't seen anyone else share anything close to this on social media. Granted, I'm not on Twitter right now (well, not a public account) but I'm sure something would've eventually trickled in through friends.

I hope you're all trying to stay as calm as possible during this time. I know it's much easier said than done. However, I also think that we can grow by leaps and bounds during this time. God wanted us to be alive at this point in time for a reason. God will undoubtedly help us learn how to better achieve sainthood through these difficult circumstances, we just need to be open to it.

Please remember His commandments: Love Him first and foremost and love thy neighbor as thyself. Praise Him even when things seem to have hit rock bottom (a la Job) and be charitable towards one another.

Alright, getting off my soapbox now. I hope you're all doing well (all things considering).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

My Lenten Plans: The "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020," Silence, and Self-Care

For weeks, I've been thinking about what I was going to give up or add for Lent. There were so many options because there's so much I need to work on. After taking everything into consideration I decided to do three big things: "the great entertainment purge of 2020" (and, yes, it's as crazy as it sounds), embracing silence, and focusing on self-care -- all of which I'm horrible at but desperately need.

After listening to this inspiring sermon on the 7-Week Challenge to Conquer Technological Idolatry on the Sensus Fidelium YouTube channel last week, I decided to take up this challenge and thus my first big penance/goal was born. After reading Pope Pius XI's Papal Encyclical on Motion Pictures (Vigilanti Cura) -- which was mentioned in the sermon -- I decided to give up the majority of entertainment for Lent. As someone who turns to distractions such as social media, movies, and TV shows when anxiety, boredom, or illness strike, this is going to be hard for me.

I know I will get criticism for "going to the extreme" but I've decided to extend this beyond Lent. In  fact, during this Lenten season, I'm going to do what I'm dubbing to be the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020." All movies, TV shows, music, and books that are problematic (for me) and will cause my mind to wander to dangerous territory is getting thrown out. No, not donated. Thrown out. That means I will be throwing away hundreds of dollars worth of material but I don't care. I cannot, in good conscience, keep these things around. And, it's not going to be easy.

One of my favorite (if not my favorite) Gene Kelly musicals, On the Town, will be the first to go. Why? Have any of you watched it? It's lovely with the dancing and the singing... but there's so much alluded to and implied that is, well, unchaste. Yes, go ahead. Judge me. Call me a prude. Tell me that I'm being too scrupulous and/or unrealistic for wanting to give up all forms of entertainment that contain these things but I just can't keep them.

When I decided to get serious about discerning the vocation of consecrated virginity, I also decided to be even more mindful of what things I consumed. When I really stopped to take inventory of the type of music I listened to (and really listen to the lyrics), what movies and TV shows I watched, and what books I read, I could see where I wasn't being as careful as I probably should have. And, again, yes, you can call me scrupulous but it just doesn't sit well with me.

I've been examining my conscience and my heart for some time now and I've come to realize that, because of my wildly active imagination, I can very easily fall into the temptation to have unchaste thoughts due to the media I consume. I've gotten better at it but it's still a struggle for me. I know how my mind works; I know how easily my mind jumps from one thing to another and stays on that thing until it's distracted by something else. I know how these things linger in my mind or will come up again, even years later. I don't want that. I want a clean heart and mind. I can't achieve that if I'm constantly remembering things that dirtied up my mind; things that I shouldn't have seen/read/heard in the first place. That is why I'm doing it.

Of course, this goes with my second (of three) big Lenten plans: embracing silence. These last 3 weeks since I returned to social media post-digital detox month have shown me how much I miss that silence I felt during that month. I also cut my entertainment consumption during that time and I saw the fruits it bore. It put me in the right state of mind to begin doing good research of my vocation discernment and to find that peace I was looking for. Taking my beloved Monks of Norcia (my spiritual family/home) as inspiration, I decided not to speak (or write... or tweet.... or text...) if it's either not necessary or doesn't help or edify anyone.

We're so afraid to be silent and alone with our thoughts but it's in that silence that we can hear God speaking to us. The Monks of Norcia started using sign language to limit verbal communication and only to communicate the important things and I think that's beautiful. I want (and, I'll be honest, crave) that silence now more than ever. Not only for my discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity but also in other important things I need to do, such as consider a change in career and in my attempts to really do what I can to get myself healthy.

I've read enough research and studies that all state that silence (read: lack of constant stimulus) and rest can have great health benefits, especially for someone who is chronically ill and/or in recovery mode. Since my current recovery process is still in its early stages and it's going by much, much slower than after previous relapses, I decided that my third Lenten penance/goal is to focus on self-care. And, as if I needed another "sign" that this was what I needed to do, this excellent article on what to give up for Lent (based on your temperament) by my fellow epicPew writer, Chloe Langr, really inspired me to go for it.

As a melancholic-phlegmatic (I'm apparently no longer a phlegmatic-sanguine), the article suggested I prioritize self-care and practice saying "no" and creating healthy boundaries (for melancholics) and give up pushing the snooze button (as a phlegmatic; I'm totally guilty of doing this several times each morning). That shouldn't seem like a big deal but those who know me know how hard it will be for me to go through with these things. I tend to sacrifice sleeping, eating, resting, etc. for others. If someone asks me to do something, I won't rest until it's done. It's that people-pleasing habit that hasn't fully gone away. The only time that I allow myself to take care of myself is when I'm so sick that I cannot do a good job at what's needed... and even then, I feel super guilty for not doing it. As the article correctly states, I have a hard time saying "no" and I need to. As I said earlier, my recovery this time around is worryingly slow than usual so I need to really take care of myself. How can I be of service to others if I can't even function?

Self-care is going to mean going to bed at an earlier time so I can get plenty of rest and not have the temptation to hit the snooze button in the morning. It also mean really pushing forward with the reintroduction of new foods into my diet (we've added 3 new things since the last time I mentioned it but I have to eat them sparingly as too much and/or too often makes me feel sick), drinking 8 cups of water instead of my usual 6, and not pushing my mind or my body to do more when I feel tired. It means no taking on any more commitments than I already have.

Of course, all of these things are going to be tied into one big thing that I'm adding: more time in prayer and more time with God.

I already mentioned the benefit of the "Great Entertainment Purge of 2020". Yes, I will be using that as a hashtag on social media during Lent.

When I need to be distracted? More prayer time or reading a spiritually-fulfilling book. If I get bored, I'm going to allow myself to be bored. Radical idea, I know. lol. I don't remember what article it was, but I read that getting 2 hours of silence per day and not having any additional stimulus is good for your health. It'll also be an excellent time to talk to God about what is on my heart and mind.

Motivation to go to bed earlier and not hit the snooze button? Early morning daily Mass. I'll go each morning that I'm feeling physically well enough to attend in person and I'll watch it live when I'm homebound. That and every chance I can take to go to Adoration, I'm taking. Again, I don't know how often this will happen with my chronic fatigue and my lack of car (though this should soon be fixed!) but it's a great motivator!

Motivation to practice self-care; to drink and eat better? My Oblate retreat in a couple of months. I want to get healthy enough to go to the retreat and be able to attend all the Masses, prayer times in the chapel (read: Divine Office hours), and talks without worrying about my health being a factor. Also, since I will be traveling for the retreat, I'm going to have to get used to an earlier bedtime and wake-up time since it'll be in a different time zone.

And, those, ladies and gentlemen, are my big Lenten plans. If you're wondering where social media fits into it -- I'll still be active but I'll have restricted hours. I set up my Freedom app (yes, that's an affiliate link) to block out all social media, news, and entertainment content from 4 a.m. - 5 p.m. during the week and 4 a.m. to 2 p.m. on weekends months ago but I may add another 2-4 hours to those schedules during Lent. I don't *need* to be on social media for that long; it'll defeat the whole purpose of being silent and only communicating good things. When I need to post links, I'll keep using HootSuite. I'll reply to messages on social media, but only in the evenings and nights. I'm limiting my time for both my own sanity and as penance.

So, those are my Lenten plans. What are yours? I can't wait to see what y'all have come up with!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat and drink something because I haven't had much of either all day and it's a quarter 'til 4 p.m. Oops. Did I mention I'm terrible at self-care? Yeeeah. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

God is Tearing Me Down to Build Me Up Anew

Lately, I've had a lot of endings and just a couple of new beginnings. In a way, it seems like God is tearing things down in my life to build it up anew.

I never talk about this particular topic but I'll make the exception this time around. Wedding and marriage plans were made for months up until a few weeks ago. Yes, you read that correctly. I told y'all I'm a ninja when it comes to my personal life. lol. Very few people knew about it; that I was discerning the possibility of marriage with someone. It was during the 54-day Rosary novena that everything changed. I won't go into details (this is something between God, Our Lady, and I) but let's just say that my heart began aching for God during this time.

I didn't like that my heart didn't belong solely to Him. I felt torn away from Him and I couldn't figure out why. I hated that feeling. As I continued the novena, the vocation of consecrated virginity kept coming up as did St. Philomena and (later on) St. Agatha. To this day, I still feel like God is whispering, "I want you to belong to Me. I want your heart to belong to Me." As I had said before, I still don't know if this is meant to be my vocation but I do know God wants my heart and my focus on Him right now. If He wants it, He can have it without reservations on my end.

When it became clear that God wanted me to pursue this path, it was hard. All those months of planning and dreaming... for what? Nothing? But I knew I couldn't ignore it. I knew God had placed this desire in my heart for a reason. I've always said that I've wanted nothing more than to do His will for my life so I had to put my money where my mouth was. It was difficult. I was heartbroken. It didn't end well, but that was to be expected. Still, my sole comfort was that God wanted my heart and He would take care of it in a way no one else could.

Similarly, I had made plans (for months) to move out of my mother's house, on my own or with friends. Every time I tried to leave, there were health or financial obstacles. My spiritual director, who had encouraged me to leave for months, said it was a clear sign that God wanted me to stay put. "You may not know why but He's made it clear that you should stick around." So, I have.

During the digital detox, God has opened up my eyes to great faults in myself that I was spiritually blind to. It was a hard pill to swallow but I couldn't deny what I was seeing in myself. I knew that these would've created major problems in both a marriage and in a situation with roommates because I haven't learned how to master them. I thanked God when my eyes were opened and I (admittedly, ashamedly) accepted that these things were something I need to work on.

This last week (and some odd days) since my digital detox began, I've been mostly trying to work on my relationship with God and on learning how to best manage my character flaws. I've been praying the entire Divine Office most days -- yes, Matins included. Lectio Divina is something I do regularly now. My prayer life has changed along with some of the changes in my life and it's shaping up so beautifully.

I'll be the first to admit I don't like change, nor do I do well with change. Yet, I find myself in the middle of a lot of endings and very few beginnings. Some of these changes aren't even bad or important ones. Virgin Mobile USA is no longer operating as of next month and it's making me wistful since they're the only wireless company I've had since I got my first cell phone in 2004. One of my favorite bands, MuteMath (whose self-titled album became the soundtrack of my reversion), has disbanded. Moving plans and plans to possibly sell my car (which we tried to salvage through repairs; it broke down on us 4 times this past week) will be decided soon. I've lived in the same apartment since I was 5 years old and my little Honda is the only car I've ever driven in the 9 years I've had my license.

As you can probably surmise, I like stability and being in my comfortable little bubble where everything is predictable and routine. All these changes are throwing me for a loop. Add going from having plans for my vocation and future to playing things by ear to the mix and you can guess how I've been doing lately. Yet, this is what God has been doing in my life and I'm learning how to make the best out of things.

I feel like the conversations between God and I lately have been a variation of:
"Do you trust Me?"
You know I do, Lord.
"Then let go. Do what you know is right, good, and true. Love me. Love others. Follow My commandments. Live in a state of grace. I'll take care of everything else."

Obedience is very important in the life of Benedictines -- both religious and Oblates. I've had to learn to let go of my expectations and plans and let God lead me down the path He wants for me. Under the guidance of my spiritual director and Oblate master, I will continue to look at what God is calling me to do with humble obedience. No arguments. No grumbling. Just a complete submission to His will. Of course, I will take responsibility for my actions and prayerful go forward and will adjust things as they come up; as God reveals them to me.

So, that's where I find myself. I don't know where most of the work is being done -- interiorly or exteriorly. Perhaps it's an even split. All I know is that my life is being changed completely. Beyond a few friendships and possibly my work/career, I don't foresee anything being the same by the time a new normal is established in my life.

I've never been much of a risk-taker but I keep thinking of the movie Up! and of young Carl saying "Adventure is out there!" Indeed, adventure is out there and God is pulling me out of my safe bubble to experience more of life.

As I get closer to my 35th birthday (5 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days, but who is counting?) I'm becoming more and more aware that this chapter of my life -- the first decade after my father's death -- is coming to an end and new things await me. God has some amazing plans for me so I'm going to be a brave little toaster and soldier on. May He tear me down completely so that I may become the woman He wants me to be; one worthy of spending eternity with Him.

Anyway, just some Sunday afternoon thoughts for y'all.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for Mom and I. Yes, we still have a big decision to make that will change this family, for better or worse, and how we'll go forward from this point on. Yet another adventure, one I will be sharing with her.

I hope you have all had a lovely week and had a blessed Sunday!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :)

My Breakdown and What it Did to My Faith

This is hard for me to admit but, this is my journey and if it helps someone it'll be worth saying it:

I had a breakdown a couple of days ago.

Feel free to judge me as you want. The stigma of it makes me feel ashamed but I've come to terms with the fact that I was a lot stronger for much longer than I should've been.

There were a number of contributing factors that just added up at the worst time; all at the same time. Those I've trusted with the details the two main causes -- who hurt me and what happened. No one who knows the details is happy with those involved. I have never seen so much swearing coming from my friends before; they're that angry on my behalf.

Then we have my digital burnout. I don't think I need to say anything about that; y'all know what has happened. Y'all can see some of the hurtful messages I have received in the days prior to my digital detox break -- at least the ones that don't have their accounts protected. I don't need to tell y'all how overwhelmed I felt but y'all also didn't know this happened during one of the most difficult times in my personal life. (side note: if you hate seeing my updates and prayer requests on Twitter so much, please just unfollow me instead of telling me that no one cares about what I'm going through and/or that no one is going to help me when I ask for prayers. It's incredibly hurtful when all I'm asking for is prayers.)

To everyone who kicked me while I was already down, I want to say: I forgive you. I don't want to feel anger or resentment, though I have. I don't want to blame anyone for causing my breakdown, though others have and still do. I'm simply going to pray for those who hurt me and ask God to merciful.

Have I also mentioned that my car broke down (again; still at the mechanic's), that our check for the rent bounced (and now we have to pay $100+ we don't have due to the error; thanks, Chase!), and that I experienced a strong spiritual attack all on the same day as well? Yes, it all happened at once and within a couple of hours.

Hitting rock bottom is incredibly humbling. At first, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like I deserved it -- all of what happened. Friends will argue with me on those points but that's what I believed. It took a lot of (patiently) walking me through everything that happened to help me get through the worst of it. I now understand that I could have prevented some of it -- up to a point -- but that the bulk of it was out of my hands, I did everything I could to prevent things from ending the way it did. I am so incredibly grateful to God for placing the right people in my path during those dark days because it was really bad.

Going to First Friday adoration last weekend -- though I couldn't stay for the entire hour like I had planned -- was refreshing balm for my weary soul. Immersing myself in scripture, particularly the Psalms, has been the nourishment that has kept me from completely breaking down to the point of needing hospitalization. My regime as a Benedictine Oblate novice -- praying the Divine Office, doing Lectio Divina, and doing everything with God in mind -- has saved me from spiraling down into an even deeper depression.

Providentially, I received my Epiphany gift to myself on the day of the breakdown. That gift? A Benedictine crucifix -- a crucifix with a St. Benedict medal imbedded in it -- blessed and sent by the Benedictine monks at Clear Creek Abbey. It almost felt like God was saying, "Here. You're going to need this. Hold onto it and never forget that the crosses you bear will only bring you closer to Me." And it has felt that way.

Though I hit that wall, God has never been far from my mind. Though my mind might focus on the latest calamity for a minute, I've somehow managed to find God in it.

He's there with me in the arguments and anger, in the tears and sorrow, and in the attacks. He's there with me, reassuring me that it's all going to be okay. No saint went without their trials on this earth. While I'm nowhere near being a saint, I know that God never allows anything to happen which won't sanctify us. I know that if I have to go through this, it's all for a reason.

Perhaps I need to shed vanity, pride, and/or other vices I may have. Perhaps I need to atone for any past sins I might've committed. Perhaps I'm just called to endure suffering to offer it up for others, especially the Church. I don't know the reason (or reasons). I may never know them, but I have no doubt that God is going to use all of this for good because God is good all the time.

The story of Job has been on my mind these last couple of days. I am reminded of how I need to strive to stay faithful to God's commandments and always praise Him for the blessings He has given me, even during the most difficult moments of my life. And, it's not always easy. I've asked God why He has allowed this to happen; why I must suffer. It's a human response to it. I have my moments of "Well, I deserve it", unlike Job who was innocent of wrongdoings. But then I'm reminded that I am a beloved daughter of the Lord's. Just as my earthly father would've hated seeing me in pain and suffering from a broken heart, I know that God does not delight in seeing what is happening. But, as I said, I know that this is all happening for a reason so I accept it. That's when I take refuge in the Psalms, doing Lectio Divina; because I can always find some words of consolation from them.

Just how has my breakdown affected my relationship with God? It has only strengthened it to a degree I didn't know was possible. As I'm writing this, I've reached the point where I'm even grateful for the trials because they have only brought me closer to God.

I meant it when I said that I was prepared to give my heart to God, even if it had to break otherwise. If breaking me down -- making me hit the lowest of the low in a way I had never experienced -- is the way to help me be able to fully give myself to God, then I give thanks for the hardships. I want to belong fully to God and if it means that I have to "start over" (in a sense) from rock bottom then I'm prepared to do that.

After adoration last Friday, I got to chat with a fellow parishioner who helped me see things from a different perspective on one of the main causes of my breakdown. I saw the immense blessings that came from it. Then, as I was getting ready to leave, a ladybug landed on my back (which someone else pointed out because I obviously couldn't see it). It did not want to leave my side. The lovely part of these two things -- the chat and the ladybug -- was that it reminded me of Our Blessed Mother. After all, she was the one who interceded for me -- oh, if I could only tell y'all details of how she blessed me through this crummy situation! Also, legend has it that ladybugs were named after Our Blessed Mother after Catholic farmers asked her intercessions so... hard not to think about her. Having that ladybug on my back felt like Mama Mary saying she also had my back. Badda-tssss.

Things are still a mess. I still have to figure out how to heal, how to move forward, and how to work things out (e.g. the car and rent issues). I'm still very much hurting and fragile. I have to be very careful because I know another big things will push me over the edge and I don't want that to happen. Trust me, it can very easily go there but I have God and Our Lady on my side and I place all my trust in them.

Please, say a prayer for those involved because the two big causes are not pretty and they're not going to go away easily. I pray that those involved have their hearts and minds enlightened by the Holy Spirit to ensure that there is no more hurt inflicting on anyone. One of those people I can (and have) absolutely avoid; the other I cannot, despite everyone's best efforts to put a considerable amount of distance between the two of us.

It's been an incredibly difficult start to 2020 but I know that God will bring good out of this.

Anyway, I hope to write again soon and update y'all with (God willing) better news. For now, I just want to thank everyone who has prayed for me. You have all been in my prayers.

Always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

Living The Benedictine Oblate (Novice) Life While Sick

Picture after the Oblate novitiate ceremony and scapular investiture; this marked the official beginning of my novitiate.

This morning, I heard from my Oblate master and it filled my heart with such a beautiful and immense peace and joy. I wish I had the ability to express just how lovely it felt to receive that email.

A couple of weeks ago, I sent him an email detailing my health journey. I mean, I also asked him questions about how to strengthen my spiritual life, but I updated him on life so he'd know what to advise. Today, I received a follow-up that made me very happy.

Since they're very busy out in Norcia (yes, they're still building their new monastery after the 2016 earthquake leveled their monastery; please feel free to donate here), I don't expect to hear from him often but I am always filled with joy when I do.

After receiving the email (and replying to it), it dawned on me that I haven't really talked about my oblate novitiate journey in the middle of all my health struggles. In fact, I think most people will be surprised to hear that I'm still continuing my journey considering how poorly my health has been lately. Well, let me reassure you that I'm still going forward... and I'll share with you a few theories that have been thrown around amongst my friends (a little later) of how the two are connected.

As the Benedictine motto ("Ora et labora"; pray and work) suggests, two of the pillars of the spirituality are work and prayer. As Oblate attached to this particular monastery, I'm also to embrace penance (more on this in a bit), charity (especially towards the poor and the unfortunate), chastity, keep up the days of fasting and abstinence, and work on being obedient. I'm also to detach myself from the world (be a part of it but not of it) and reject pride.

What I've been focusing on in my current state has been prayer and obedience. Actually, obedience has been the biggest focal point for me these last couple of weeks because I've been actively discerning my vocation for the last couple of months. The only thing I'm going to say about that is that I'm incredibly happy with where God seems to be leading me. Of course, credit goes to my Oblate master who encouraged me to go forward with it at our retreat. I knew there would be obstacles (even before the health issues began) but it's been such a beautiful experience so far and I have no doubts I'm doing God's will for me. Finally! I have confidence in something I'm doing! lol.

The obedience part of the vocation discernment is sometimes hard because my spiritual director occasionally tells me to do something that I don't technically want to do but know I have to do. That's the beauty of obedience: you break your own selfishness and passions in order to follow the wisdom of those who know better than you; those who care about the state of your soul and want to see you doing the right thing in your discernment.

The prayer part of my life has been the easiest for me to maintain because of the routine I had established prior to my Oblate novitiate. I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (sometimes the little Benedictine Office) at least twice daily, or more if I'm able to. For example, today I've able to do all the hours so far, except Terce because I fell asleep for a little while. I pray the Rosary daily. I have a number of prayers that I know by heart and can do while I'm blinded by lights (the photophobia has been my biggest enemy lately) and have to wait to regain my eyesight once again. If it wasn't for prayer, I probably wouldn't be able to go through some of the obstacles I've encountered recently.

For obvious reasons, the "work" part has had to be modified to fit with what I'm capable of doing with my worsening eyesight and my overall fatigue and physical limitations. I still write for Epic Pew and Catholic Chemistry when I'm able to; though I've had to take a couple of weeks off here and there when I'm not doing too well. Thankfully, both editors are great and understanding if I'm late with deadlines or if I need a couple of breaks writing. God bless them both!

I also try to keep my family duties as well as I can. I help run errands when my eyesight and fatigue cooperate with me. I keep the financial budget as well as I can. I drive my mom to work every morning, except on days when I'm completely blind in the morning and it's extremely dangerous for me to try to drive. As my health begins to stabilize, I'll be adding more of the housekeeping duties I usually have. At the moment, my only big ailment is my eyesight; the low blood pressure fainting spells and the physical weakness have both gotten better in recent weeks.

I know I need to work on Lectio Divina (another pillar of the Benedictine spirituality) and Mass attendance. I'm sure you can guess why I've been failing at these two -- my worsening eyesight AND health problems that have left me housebound for several days at a time. In fact, I spend most of my days in bed, with my adjustable bed base reclined up so I can sit more comfortably. Still, if I can go to confession and/or Mass, I go! I also try to get the daily Mass readings in, even if I have to highlight it and have Siri read it to me when my eyesight is particularly bad.

The scrupulous side of me is anxious about failing at these two things because they're such a major part of the Oblate life. At the same time, I also remind myself that I can only do so much with what I have going on. I try to not be hard on myself because, honestly, there is only so much screen and/or reading I can do before my eyes have had enough for the day. Some days, I have to keep my eyes closed for most of the day (enter Catholic podcasts and audiobooks for company) because my eyesight is just completely horrendous. For now, I'll continue to pray that I have little pockets of good eyesight time to be able to get myself to Mass and/or do Lectio Divina more regularly.

Having said all of that, yes, I absolutely still firmly intend to go forward with my novitiate as planned. I also still plan to attend the annual retreat next year and make my final Act of Oblation. I have a couple of friends who have a theory that all of this is happening because of my novitiate discernment. My health issues didn't really start until a week before I left for my retreat and, if you remember, I had my first ER visit during the retreat. You know... like someone (or something) doesn't want me to go forward with this for some reason. Anyway, just putting that theory out there. You draw your own conclusions. Since St. Benedict is now my spiritual father, I will let him intercede for me as necessary. God's will be done, no one else's.

I think that's as "in a nutshell" as I can get. I tried to keep it as short as I could. God willing (and my eyesight and health cooperating), I will be getting back into my blogging groove this month. Again, God willing. I've been doing the 54-day Rosary novena with my eyesight as my first intention so we'll see just what miracles Our Lady will do for me. Even if it's not a full restoration of my eyesight, I know I will receive the graces necessary to cope with whatever is ahead of me.

Of course, I will keep y'all updated on both my Oblate novitiate (especially now that I've remembered to do so; mea culpa!) and my health journeys!

Please keep me (and particularly my eyesight and the ophthalmologists treating me) in your prayers this next month as we hope to finally get some answers with the latest round of blood work tests and a new MRI scheduled for next week.

And, that's it for now. I have to go grocery shopping because I've run out of food. I was waiting for my mom to get home so I would have an extra pair of eyes with me; it's best while my eyesight is wonky.

I hope you've all been well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

When Life Goes Crazy and God Disappears

Yes, I know; it's been over a month since my last blog post.

Life has been... an adventure.

There have been multiple doctor appointments and still more to come.

There have been trips to hospitals, including an ambulance ride to the emergency room when I had chest pains that were so bad that they made my entire left side go numb; the EMTs wanted to make sure I wasn't having any heart-related issues. They turned out to be muscle spasms that I've still felt as recently as yesterday.

There have been plans to move forward in a couple of areas in my life... all while dealing with health issues.

Ah, yes... the ever-present health issues. While my platelets were within the normal range for the first time in over a decade for two (yes, two) blood draws, the anemia has gotten a bit worse.

I've also been waking up and going "blind" for a couple of minutes in the morning. It usually takes me to the end of the second or (more frequently) third Rosary mystery before I can see enough to keep going on with my day. I have an ophthalmology appointment on the 15th -- the feast of the Assumption -- to hopefully begin figuring out what's been going on these last couple of months.

And, to top it off, I'm either allergic to a big staple in my diet or it just ups my histamine levels which made me perpetually congested and teary-eyed until I stopped eating it a week ago. Why, potatoes? Why?! So, now I'm down to only two things that I can eat: chicken and corn tortillas. Can we say "malnutrition deficiencies"? Since I have major food allergy PTSD (it's no fun to feel your throat get swollen or like you can't breathe right after you've eaten something that has never made you sick before), it's going to take a lot of courage to try new foods while dealing with the fears I have of potentially having a severe allergic reaction. It thankfully hasn't happened yet -- my reactions have been mild to perhaps slightly moderate-ish so far  -- my doctors are having me carry an EpiPen wherever I go. Fun, right?

Are we seeing the adventure part, yet? Yes, it's been a wild ride.

Throughout all of this, I'm ashamed to admit that I fluctuate between trusting God and forgetting He's even here. This is straight-up, real talk.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own fears that I forget Who ultimately has control of the situation. While I was amazingly calm during the chest pain/spams ordeal -- to the point where the doctors ruled out anxiety as a cause for the chest pains; I was praying the Rosary while going through the spasm pains -- I've had moments of pure panic where God isn't even in the back of my mind. And it's not like I even distrust that God has my back; I just forget because I'm so wrapped up in myself. It's absolutely horrible.

Lately, I've been wondering if I've gone through all of this as a sort of test. Not that God is testing my love for Him. It's more like God is allowing these trials to help me try to keep Him on my mind more often; to help me realize what areas of my life I need to work on to better my relationship with Him and strengthen my faith. Just looking back at how many times I didn't even think about Him versus how many times I remembered that God was in control has been an eye-opener. I have a lot to work on but I'm prepared to do that work.

All of this has always made me even more acutely aware of how much I am missing the Sacraments. How many times have I gone to Mass in the past 9 weeks? Once... at the retreat... because the chapel was literally downstairs and I could take the elevator down from where my room was and walk, even while dizzy and lightheaded and feeling faint, to it. Now that I'm back home and my health has slowly regressed and I have no one who can potentially drive me to Mass and feel comfortable enough help steady me if I feel a little lightheaded when standing up? No Mass for Emmy. Sometimes I'm too weak to even get out of bed, let alone walk downstairs or even drive to the nearest parish.

And, of course, that also means it's been that long since I've been to confession as well. I've had two mini spiritual direction meetings since but I haven't had a proper confession in weeks. My heart longs for it. I don't like being away from the Sacraments. I don't like missing Mass. I intensely dislike not having been to confession since shortly after my birthday in late May. The longer these things go on, the more distant and muddled my relationship with God feels.

I, thankfully, have moments of consolation where I feel God's presence, His mercy and love, in my life but those are infrequent and never last long enough. It's like I've taken up residence in the middle of the desert... in the middle of summer... during the worst heatwave ever recorded in the area. It's just plumb awful. Of course, just because I don't feel His presence doesn't mean He's not there. His existence isn't based on my dull human feelings. Intellectually, I know that... but it's still hard and it makes the struggle through the spiritual dryness even harder to get through.

I know that we all go through these rough periods in our lives and especially in our spiritual life. I know that great saints have gone through years or even decades (St. Teresa of Calcutta, anyone?) where they receive no consolation during their "dark nights of the soul." Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to feel that closeness with God ever again... but, regardless, I still keep going. I mean, I feel like a fraud most of the time (again, this is real talk, y'all) because I haven't been able to attend Mass or confession but I'm still trying to do the little bits I can do.

I'm still praying the Benedictine Office throughout the day. I still have my list of daily prayers I pray, including the (much needed) Litany of Humility. I still pray the Rosary daily. I still pray for those who ask for prayers; for those whom I love and care for. I still try to do the right thing even though, the longer I go without the Sacraments, the harder it is to not fall into temptation and occasionally slip up. Still, that somehow doesn't seem like enough to me.

So, that's where I am. I hope my health improves in the near future because I miss attending Mass, receiving the Eucharist, and giving my soul a nice scrubbing in the confessional. Heck, I just want to have enough physical stamina to do basic things like getting out of bed and making myself something to eat without help some days.

I may be crazy to do it but... there's going to be a big change happening in the near future for me. This big change has been a long time coming. It's going to make me face some of my biggest fears and it's going to take me away from everything I've ever known. I think you can sort of guess what I'll be doing with those clues. Again, I may be crazy for embarking on this journey in the middle of my health issues, but perhaps this is something I need to do to improve my health. I'm being vague about it now but I hope to be able to share some details after it's all said and done. Just, please, keep me in your prayers because the whole situation is going to be high-stress and I'm honestly a little worried about how that will affect my health in the process.

... did I forget to mention that life has been an adventure lately? I didn't even mention finishing novel three in the middle of all that craziness! lol. Yes, I'll blog about that soon, as well.

Anyway, this is all part of why I've been MIA lately. I know I've been slightly more active on Twitter but that's been due to the prayer requests when I feel like, "Okay, I need prayer warriors to help me out with this one." I hope to get back to writing more, especially now that novel three is done and I'm slowly getting through all the doctor's appointments (and the follow-ups to the follow-ups). I have 3-4 more appointments scheduled (for now) in the next month, two this week.

Breathe in... hold for 1... 2... 3... 4... and breathe out...  Repeat.

I hope summer has been kinder to y'all so far. Can autumn hurry up and get here already? Summertime and I clearly don't get along. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

My Oblate Retreat, Part One: Obstacles, Tears, and a Trip to the ER

"God alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not fall..." (Ps 62:7, NABRE)

These were the first words I read when I randomly opened up the Bible in my room at the retreat center. It was the third day of the retreat and I was running on empty; tears flowing down my cheeks because I felt like I didn't belong there. But, before I go on, let me start from the beginning...

Exactly one week before I left for the trip, I started feeling sick. I had a low-grade fever that came out of nowhere. Every day after that was a new, different thing. Fever, aches and pains, fatigue, stomach issues, debilitating headaches, etc. It was never the same thing. The day before I left for the retreat, I got food poisoning (as did my mom) and I felt so terrible that I didn't know if I was going to have to cancel my trip at the last minute.

I had a strong feeling that taking the trip was a bad idea; that I should stay at home instead. I had so many strong doubts the day before that I felt overwhelmed. Eventually, my stubborn side kept reminding me that, no, I wanted this. That and I know that "feelings" can sometimes trip us up so I wasn't trusting them.

I'd been praying about/discerning becoming a Benedictine oblate for a long time. I kept reminding myself that I wouldn't have raised $800 in 11 hours if it wasn't God's will for me to make this trip. (By the way, if you're new to my journey, you can read about the beginning of my discernment to the fundraiser here.) God had made it clear that He wanted me to do this so I would, no matter what obstacles would come my way. What I didn't know was that the entire retreat would be full of obstacles that would leave me feeling drained.

I started my trip on only two hours of sleep. Due to the heebie-jeebies I get being on a plane, I can't sleep during flights. We had a pretty smooth flight but I was seriously fighting sleep by the time we landed in O'Hare. Thankfully, a fellow oblate offered to drive me from the airport to the retreat center so I was able to nod off during the drive. We went to lunch with other oblates before we went to the center, which I'm grateful for because it would be the last decent meal I'd have for 3 days.

Months beforehand, I let the oblate who organized the retreat know about my food allergies and intolerance. (side note: this was prior to my food allergy panel results.) He let me know that they would be able to accommodate my dietary restrictions. A few days before the retreat, I let him know I would be taking a small part of my food; the corn tortillas and a few snacks in case there was a mix-up. I'm grateful I took them because there was a major mix-up: they thought I would be taking all of my food and they weren't prepared for me. Gulp. The next couple of days consisted of me eating mostly tortillas and the few snacks I'd taken because they kept making me food that made me sick. At least I got some protein in the form of chicken... even though I ended up getting sick from it because they prepared it with ingredients my stomach couldn't tolerate. I was so hungry that I didn't care; I ate it all even though my body physically ached afterward.

On the second day of the retreat, I felt physically spent. I thought it was due to the lack of food and the lack of sleep so I tried to tough it out. When I started swaying and feeling like I was going to pass out whenever I stood up, I knew I had to let someone know I wasn't feeling well. You know, in case I did faint. When I started feeling like I couldn't breathe and I started seeing black whenever I stood, I knew I had to be seen by a doctor. I asked if there was a local urgent care I could be seen at. I only told our Oblate Master because I didn't want to disturb the other oblates' retreat experience nor did I want any attention. I just wanted to be quietly seen by a doctor because I knew something was wrong and I wouldn't be able to simply ignore it. He got one of the oblates to drive me to the local emergency room.

The final diagnosis? Dehydration, near-syncope ("most likely from lack of sleep and lack of food," according to the doctor), and a migraine. Awesome. Thanks, body! They checked my bloodwork and they gave me a bag of IV fluids. I was given the okay to fly back to L.A. on Sunday. I needed to rest and hydrate as much as I could.

The next day (our third day of the retreat), our Oblate Master told me to rest as much as I could. He told me he didn't care if I stayed and rested in my room for the entire retreat; he just wanted to get the scapular on me so I could begin my novitiate with them the following day. I went down for breakfast, feeling awful because I had only slept 3 hours. The chef said, "Oh wait, we have to prepare breakfast for you, too?" They had no food for me. I was so emotionally spent that I ate my tortillas while I tried to keep myself from crying. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop the tears from spilling over but, at least, I was able to cry as silently as I could. I did not want any attention.

Other oblates would come up to me and ask me how I was feeling. I would say "better" because those IV fluids really did help me out a lot but, emotionally, I was a mess. I was exhausted so I went up to my room to nap instead of going to the third conference. I didn't want to push myself any more than I already had. Before I took that nap, though, I called my mom and told her what was going on.

I broke down and cried. I wanted to go home because of how miserable I felt. I kept second-guessing my decision to have gone on the retreat. I messaged my best friends and told them I felt like I didn't belong there. I felt like an unprepared fraud; like perhaps I'd discerned incorrectly. It was bad. I don't usually have these types of thoughts so I scared myself a bit. They reminded me that I was stronger than I felt at the time. They wondered if I was experiencing spiritual attacks because this was a major trip for me.

Prayer and Lectio Divina in my room.

I took a nap and woke up before Sext and lunch so I decided to do a little Lectio Divina. That's when I took the Bible the center had provided. I chose a random page and opened it up. Of course, I would open it up to a psalm about trusting God. I felt like He was giving me consolation; letting me know that He wanted me there. I felt a renewed determination to stick it out, no matter what else would happen. The rest of the weekend was comprised of resting when I knew I couldn't push myself further, eating whatever I could, drinking as much water as I could, and trying to keep my spirits up.

Sunday -- the big day -- came. Despite the little sleep, I felt excited and ready. Since I couldn't fall back asleep after waking up at 3:30 a.m., I packed and got myself ready for the morning. I went into the kitchen and had something to eat so I wouldn't feel lightheaded during Lauds, Mass, and the scapular investiture of the new novices. I was fine during Lauds... but then I started feeling sick during Mass. It was almost like round two of what had sent me to the ER two days prior. Cue me mentally asking all the saints to intercede for me.

I kept swaying and wanting to black out when I stood up during Mass so, at one point, I stayed seated. I was a little embarrassed because I didn't want to seem impious but I knew it would be worse if I passed out. I also knew I had to go up to the altar during the Ritus Induendi Novitium Oblatum (the investiture ceremony) so I wanted to save up whatever little strength I had.

"Mama Mary...  Guardian Angel... St. Benedict... St. Frances of Rome... all the Benedictine saints... Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati... St. Therese... hold me up. Intercede just so that my knees won't buckle under me." I was able to get myself to the far right side of the altar and I leaned against the wall, holding on with one hand when I felt like my knees would give in. I felt like I had no physical strength... but, darn it, I was going to go through it all, standing!

As Fr. Prior was getting ready to place the scapular on me, I felt like I was going to fall to the ground. I stubbornly made myself stand away from the wall so I wouldn't have that support. I trusted God; I knew I was meant to be there so I let my fears go. (side note: who says having a bit of a stubborn streak is a bad thing? I only use it during times like these. lol.) There was no way I wasn't going to go through with it. Only the day before, after reading Psalm 62, I met with our Oblate Master and he told me that I was meant to be there. I knew it was what God wanted me to do; there had been too many "signs" that this seems to be God's will for me.

I kid y'all not, the second the scapular was placed on me by Fr. Prior, I felt the most refreshing peace wash over me. Not only that, all the shakiness and the physical weakness seemed to have disappeared in an instant. I felt strengthened... and I was instantaneously grateful for all I had endured up to that point. The tears, the physical and emotional obstacles, the ER visit... every single thing I had endured was worth it. I was grateful for all the difficulties because it made that moment even more glorious.

I didn't get to sleep for 24 hours after that, we had the worst turbulence I've ever experienced on the way back home, and it took me two full days to start feeling like myself again... but I survived.

I know it was due to everyone's prayers that I was able to make it through the entire weekend. I mean, I've struggled with constant fatigue for months now (though I'd been feeling much better and my health had been on the upswing up to a week before the trip). I can't function with less than 5 hours of sleep, yet I somehow was able to do it with an average of 3 hours of sleep per night for half a week. I can't fast because it makes me sick yet I somehow got through days of little food.

I'm sorry I missed half of the activities of the retreat. I'm also sad that I didn't get to know my fellow oblates better. I'm a little embarrassed when I think about what a first impression I made on them as well but it was a good humbling experience for me. It reminded me that I'm now part of a (lovely) community; that I can't do everything on my own and that trusting God is the only way to go. There was also no room for vanity (I walked around with my hair in a messy bun and my "humility glasses" for most of the retreat) or anything that would take away from the purpose of the trip. It was absolutely perfect in its own way.

Anyway, this post is far too long so I'll write a part two soon. Yes, there's more. I just wrote the basics of the obstacles so I can focus on the good that came from the retreat in the next post. :)

If you've made it this far, thank you for sticking with it! I promise not all posts will be this long.

I'm going to go make myself something to eat before I get back to work. I was thankfully given last week off to focus on the retreat but now it's back to writing articles and finishing my third novel. :)

Happy feast of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus (traditional calendar) and of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (unofficially in the new calendar)!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!

"People Must Really Need the Prayers..."

This was the thought that popped up in my mind when my hematologist said he wasn't able to get the hip bone part of the bone marrow biopsy the first time. I knew that there would most likely be something that had to "go wrong" since I had so many people asking me to offer up my procedure and the pain up for their prayer intentions. I knew when the prayer requests reached the triple digits on Twitter that I would be in for it so I had mentally prepared myself for it. Still, I kept internally asking St. Giuseppe Moscati to guide the hematologist's hands so there wouldn't be a third try.

For those of you know who have gotten one of these biopsies done before, you know this part is the most painful. Ignorance is bliss (for me) when it comes to these procedures so I didn't even look into what would be involved but, oh, I knew that part of my hip bone was (basically) drilled out during this part. I felt the pain down into my leg. Thankfully, it wasn't excruciating.

I'll admit, I had cried prior to the procedure out of nerves but I was amazingly calm throughout it. I think it was because I knew I was covered in prayers due to the (mind-boggling!) 1k+ people who said they would be praying for me via social media. I woke up that morning and it literally felt as I was completely wrapped up in prayer. I don't know how else to describe it except that it felt like I had a heavy blanket of peace covering every inch of my body.

I tried praying the Rosary during the procedure but my mind went blank during the Second Glorious Mystery (I pray the traditional order and it's the Glorious Mysteries on Wednesdays). Instead, I ended up focusing on keeping my breathing even and offering up any pain and uncomfortable moments. Oh, and on keeping my body as relaxed as possible to make it easier for the hematologist to get what he needed. It wasn't easy because you want to tense up your muscles.

I drove myself home afterward... and it was not fun. They did the biopsy on my right side which, of course, means I had to use my right leg -- the leg used on the car pedals. The 4-5 mile drive included a lot of teary-eyed "ouch" moments. Walking up the stairs to my second-story apartment brought a couple more tense moments.

The rest of the day was spent trying to find ways of sitting, laying down, standing, and doing other things that wouldn't aggravate the pain. I was sure my mother was going to tie me down to a chair at one point because I kept getting up to do things I normally would. I'm quite active during the day (out of habit) so it was hard for me not to be a "wiggle worm." lol. It doesn't sound so bad but, oh man, there were a ton more tears before the day was over. I couldn't walk or even sit; I mostly had to lay on my left side but that quickly got old when my entire left side became painful and then numb from having all of my weight on it.

Trying to work was hard. I couldn't balance my laptop on my lap or place it in any position that didn't hurt me. I tried standing up to write it but I was too lightheaded and feeling drained to last longer than a minute. Finally, a bit after midnight last night, I gave up and had to send my editor a message telling him that I was sorry but that this week's assignment would be a day late. I couldn't transfer my work (which I ended up starting on my iPod touch as I lay in bed) from email to the website.

Sleeping was a new adventure. Despite having an adjustable bed, I couldn't find a position in which I was comfortable enough to sleep. An hour (and more exhaustion-induced tears) later -- 12 hours after the biopsy -- I was somehow able to flip myself onto my stomach and I passed out for about 11 hours. Yep, I was that tired.

Today has been a new adventurous day. The pain is worse, in a way. I can move a little easier but the tenderness makes the pain more acute. As I write this, I'm in a very uncomfortable position with my the head of my adjustable bed lifted up as much as possible. My back hurts and part of my left side is numb (again) from all the weight on it but I just thank God that I can move and stand more than yesterday.

I'm just going to keep looking at the crucifix in my room and try to unite my pain with His. Yesterday, the first time I was able to get in bed post-biopsy, I looked at it and I realized that I had never loved Him as much as I did at that moment. Though I can never compare my little pain to his immense pain, I can at least try to understand -- in my fragile human way -- what He endured for the sake of humanity.

So, that's what the journey of a bone marrow biopsy has been. I'm obviously still in recovery mode and will be for a couple more days. I will get my biopsy results on June 5th so please keep that in your prayers. I've resigned myself to getting whatever results may come from it; I just want them to figure out what's been making me sick for so long.

I will continue to pray for those who've asked for prayers. Thank you all so much for all your prayers, love, and support!

God bless you all!

I Don't Think God Could Make It Any Clearer...

My brand new Rosary and magnet.

Sometimes God leaves you speechless... and today was one of those days for me.

It all started when a fellow parishioner offered to take our prayers with her on her European Marian pilgrimage during Lent. I asked her to pray for two specific intentions, one of them being my vocation (big v). As I had a particularly (spiritually) arid Lent (which I hope to blog about soon), I knew I needed all the prayers I could get. She told me she would pray for me and I told her I would pray for her and her trip as well. We didn't know each other but I knew I could trust her with my intentions.

Fast forward to this week. She reached out to me a couple of days ago to let me know that she prayed for me at Lourdes, Fatima, and Montserrat. Not only that, but she had also brought something for me. I didn't know what it was but we agreed to meet up during one of the daily Masses. After daily Mass (my happy place, be-tee-dubs) this afternoon, she looked for me, nearly missing me because I didn't know what she looked like and she wasn't too sure what I looked like. Eventually, we found each other and she handed me the gifts: a magnet and a Rosary from Montserrat.

Now, I had never heard of Our Lady of Montserrat before. I'd heard the name of Montserrat because it's the first name of a professor at my alma mater but I didn't know much about Our Lady's connection. The lovely woman who prayed for me informed me that it was hard to get to the town/shrine; that it was up in the mountains. She also explained that when she saw the Rosary, she immediately thought of me; that "Our Lady sent it" to me.  Yes, straight quote. She bought it for me. I could feel tears welling up so I asked her if I could give her a hug, buying myself some time to not let the waterworks spring up in my eyes.

When I got home, I decided to look up the story of Our Lady of Montserrat... and I was immediately blown away. Many saints have made a pilgrimage to her shrine, including St. Peter Nolasco, St. Raymond of Penafort, St. Vincent Ferrer, St. Francis Borgia, St. Aloysius Gonzaga, St. Joseph Calasanctius, St. Anthony Mary Claret, and St. Ignatius of Loyola. In fact, it's said that St. Ignatius apparently laid down his sword and began his mission right after visiting the image; that he began writing his Spiritual Exercises shortly after his visit.

There are a number of things that I felt were a connection:

First, Our Lady of Montserrat is located in Catalonia, Spain... a.k.a. the Motherland; I'm of Spanish descent. In fact, I believe my mother's maiden surname is of Catalan origin. 

Second, next to the shrine is a hospital and an infirmary -- which goes with my second intention (my health).

Third, the fact that St. Ignatius of Loyola began his vocation after visiting the Shrine; I had asked for prayers for clarity on my vocation.

Fourth, the shrine is run by -- get ready for it -- Benedictine monks! They've been in charge of the shrine for centuries.

I don't think any of that is a coincidence, especially the latter points. I don't think God could make it any clearer for me. Out of all the places the lovely woman visited, it was at Montserrat where she felt that pull to get me the Rosary -- not knowing my discernment on becoming a Benedictine oblate. 

I don't know what it means regarding my health or the other part of my (big v) vocation. I don't know if this means we'll get answers as to why I've had chronically low platelets for the past decade or why my red blood count is stubbornly on the low side as well. I don't know if I will end up married or single, but I do know that the Benedictine oblate life is for me. I'm just happy that it looks like God has not only heard my prayers but is also helping me along the way. As I've always said, I'm prepared to do whatever His will is... and it looks like I may be on the right track.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this because it was just too mind-blowing for me not to share... and I love sharing my faith journey with y'all. :)

I hope you are all having a lovely Octave week of Easter! :D 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)