The Faith Crisis and the Epiphany

 

One of the best friends I ever had — Melissa Joy (yes, we had the same first name) taught me a valuable life lesson that has just now sunk in in a way that hadn’t before: be yourself without apologies.

Recently, I’ve been going through a serious faith crisis. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while now but it’s only been amplified during the 54-day Rosary novena. I feel and see myself slipping away from the faith. I know part of that has to do with the desolation I feel, the isolation (from my parish community and friends) I’ve been forced into, and all my health issues all colliding. But there was a major component which I hadn’t factored in: the feeling like I have to continually censor who I am to fit in in certain Catholic circles or to deny myself of things because if I don’t, I’m a “bad Catholic.”

This is where I admit that I’m a massive fan of the Amazon Prime series The Summer I Turned Pretty. Go ahead and judge me if you want — I’m tired of caring at this point. Am I way out of the target demographic? Yup! Are there questionable things that go against the Faith? Yup. Do I still enjoy it? Sorry, but a big yes! I’m fully invested in the story of Belly Conklin and her feelings for brothers Conrad and Jeremiah Fisher. I didn’t love the books but I’m loving the changes made for the series. I mean, not the end of episode two of the second season (they should’ve kept it closer to the books for that particular scene) but I still like it overall. I like getting excited to see what the next episode will bring since they’re following the book trilogy but are making some great improvements that keep us “book girlies” on our toes. 

It was when I realized that I couldn’t share this excitement and joy that it seemed like I had finally figured out why I was so miserable and why my faith crisis was getting worse.

See, I’m the type of person who can live in the “secular world” and still see the good, the bad, and the ugly. I see people (whether real or fictional) for the beautiful and oftentimes flawed persons that they are. I’m able to take the secular shows, movies, music, etc. and find the good in it. It actually enriches my faith so much more because it challenges me (in a good way) and it makes life more beautiful to me. My faith thrived when I was at the CINO (Catholic in Name Only) college, when I wasn’t in the best environment for the faithful. I was more “joyful in the faith” when I could be more open and honest about things without the weight of judgment for not living up to expectations. 

That’s not to say that I wasn’t being authentic; I was. I was just stifling a big part of myself in the process. It took my excitement for this series, the re-working of my fourth novel, and the two hospital trips (and a big dose of Memento Mori) for me to realize what was going on. After watching the fourth episode of the second season for the show (which had a killer soundtrack) and wanting to tweet about it — but then being afraid of what people would say — I went, “you know what? Flip that table! I’m excited for this. I’m going to share it.”

With the realization of how bad my health is getting and how short life is, I decided that I’m too tired to care anymore. I’m tired of people shaming me for liking things that bring me joy and give me a little break from the harsh realities of life. Because my life is hard and I’m struggling. And you know what? It’s thanks to those breaks from overthinking about all that’s going on in my life that have actually started helping me with my faith, little by little. I mean, I actually took a break between rewatching episode four (I have to watch each episode a few times because of my visual impairment; so I can focus on different things each time to get a complete picture) to pray Vespers… and actually feel joy while praying it. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had that happen? A long time, my friends.

I know that this isn’t the typical route for “faithful Catholics” but what about me *is* typical or normal? I feel like I’ve always been a little ball of contradictions — though I tried not to be — and I’m not being true to myself or who God made me if I don’t continue to be that way. Even my own temperament combination (melancholic-sanguine) isn’t supposed to exist; the temperaments are on opposite ends of the spectrum… yet that’s what I am. I don’t fit the mold of what a Catholic is supposed to be like and I’m tired of trying to force myself into the little boxes. I’m too “modern” for the trads and too “trad” for the liberals. And I’m just tired of the judgements, comments, and everything else.

Do you know how depressing it was to realize that I went from being described as “bubbly and optimistic” to “muted and depressed”? I don’t recognize myself. And I can’t find God in the place I’m in now.

Why can’t I find God in the secular? If I found Him in it before — and I actually reverted and thrived in it — why not now? Why can’t I produce secular content that won’t cause scandal or go against Church teachings? Why do so many people assume they know me and then try to shame me into fitting what they think I should be like? Because that’s what’s been happening. I see other Catholic friends talking about the shows or music they like… but I don’t see others shaming them for it. But me? What is it about me that makes me a target for unkindness and judgment? I truly don’t understand it. 

Why are people telling how to live my life; how to live out my faith? Because that’s what’s been happening; people keep telling me how to suffer through my health issues and how I shouldn’t x, y, or z because that’s not what I should be doing as a Catholic

So, I’m going to do just that. I’m going to live my life and tune the shame out as much as I can. It’s not easy as I’m a terribly sensitive person who gets hurt easily but, honestly? Melissa Joy had it right; no one should make me feel inferior or unworthy or unloved just because what I like and who I am doesn’t fit with what they believe is right. I truly believe I can live my life as a Benedictine Oblate and a faithful Catholic despite living in the world. I might be proven wrong in the future, but this is what feels right at the moment. 

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out of my system. If any of you following me on social media feel disappointed in this new development — I’m sorry but you can unfollow me. I don’t know how much longer I have on this earth and I’m not going to waste any more of it trying to be someone I’m not. 

Where my faith crisis will go from this point on, I don’t know. I don’t feel the sincere support from many people at this point so maybe I need to step away from these tight Catholic circles — in which I have felt like the worst possible person; in which people who are supposed to be strong, faithful Catholics have made me feel (as I’ve already said) like I’m inferior, unworthy of God’s love and mercy, and a mental burden when I share my health problems and journey. 

So… here we go. New chapter. 

Okay, that’s enough for now. I’m getting a headache from staring at the screen for the last couple of hours. 

I hope you are all doing well and, again, my apologies if this disappoints anyone. 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Health Update: Struggles and Beauty

It started with an unexpected allergic reaction to the peanut butter I was having for breakfast two weeks ago. Just like (almost) every morning for the last several months, I was having my normal peanut butter on toast when I was hit by a strong wave of itchiness (that was so bad that it triggered an anxiety attack thanks to the fight or flight reaction my body had to the allergen) that ran from my mouth up to my nose and into my ears. I thought it was maybe acid reflux that had inflamed the sinuses but both a nurse at my insurance and my primary doctor’s office agreed — it was an allergic reaction. It took a week for the reaction to go away… which is how I know it was a legitimate allergic reaction as that’s how long it takes for my body to calm down. I’m sure the oral hydrocortisone I take for my adrenal insufficiency helped bring/keep the reaction from getting worse as it’s also a medication that is given for allergic reactions; it’s a multi-purpose medication. 

Then it was two days of food poisoning triggered by two different things, and one of those I shared with my mother who had the same thing on the second day. I had to double up on my medication for that, which I’m not a big fan of as too much oral hydrocortisone ends up making me very jittery sometimes.

And in the time leading up to those two,  I started having issues swallowing food and even water sometimes. It was here and there and I attributed it to acid reflux (which is something I’ve struggled with for several years) but it’s gotten to the point where I take longer to eat because I sometimes can’t swallow food and I have to concentrate very very hard on making myself swallow. Yesterday was the first time I had problems swallowing for all four meals (three main meals plus a snack for my afternoon-evening dose of hydrocortisone) though that was also getting progressively worse with time as well.

As I await my gastroenterologist appointment (which I hope to get the date for today), I’ve been struggling. Not just to eat but to not worry; to trust God; to suffer in silence. I want to get better at those, but especially the latter.

Recently, someone I consider a close friend made it clear that me talking about my illnesses was becoming tiresome. “Now what?” That was a wake up call. I didn’t know that sharing my health struggles — in my own quest to feel a little less burdened by being able to unburden my heart of my fears — was making people uncomfortable or annoyed. It was a humbling experience as I remembered how Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati and St. Gemma Galgani (and countless others before and since them) suffered in silence. I normally share with only a handful of people what’s going on with me, but I didn’t realize how much less I could share and how much more I should keep to myself.

So, I’m going to try to do that. I apologized on social media for the times I have shared what was going on with me…. And I have to be in very bad shape if I post to social media and especially if I ask for prayers. That usually means I’m at one of my lowest points and I’m really struggling both physically and mentally, sometimes even spiritually.

The one good and beautiful thing about all of this is that I’ve felt closer to Christ than I have in a long time. I actually thanked God for these sufferings as they reminded me of the early days of reversion, when I wasn’t diagnosed with anything and I realized that my only true option was God and getting closer to Him. I have been in a spiritual desert for at least two years now, with some minor moments of consolations, and this is something I’ve been praying for; for my spiritual life to be renewed somehow. Maybe this is the answer to my prayers, having to suffer with these physical maladies and clinging to Christ during this time. 

I’m in a very interesting place in my life right now. My vocation discernment is front and center while I deal with health issues, which I’m sure will play a part in which way my discernment goes. I’m trying to walk through what feels like an unending haze of spiritual confusion and dryness that sometimes makes me feel apathetic (though I’ve learned to distinguish lack of feelings from actual desires). I go through the motions of daily Rosary, the Divine Office hours, and everything else despite zero consolations in my prayer life. And, likewise, though I don’t think I should be making decisions regarding my vocation during this time, it seems that that is what is being asked of me. I know what is asked of me with this vocation and I know I can fulfill them, even with the lack of feeling. I know I’ve already talked about this so there is no need to revisit it, at least not now. And all of this while I pray the 54-day Rosary novena. Maybe this is what God had in store for me and why I felt the need to start this novena?

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit of that for those who are genuinely worried about me after my last tweet. Yes, I need prayers. With the state of my health and immune system, I want to stay away from the hospital if possible but if it gets to the point where I can’t swallow anything, I’ll have no choice but to go in. I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that. I hope the gastroenterologist can figure out what’s going on with me, though I have a suspicion that all of this is being caused by the long-term use of the oral hydrocortisone as it is a steroid and it messes with other things after using it for so long.

It’s unusually quiet right now. SInce I’ve slept the day away the last couple of days and am thus tired of sleeping, I think I’ll just sit here and enjoy the silence. Thank you, heatwave.

I hope you are all doing well.

OH! And please say a prayer for the soul of my father. Yesterday was the 14th anniversary of his passing (as well as the feast of my spiritual father, St. Benedict).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless.