2017: The Year This Nerd Persevered and Finally Listened to God

I don't know why but I don't think I've ever seen as much growth as I made this year. I'm 32... shouldn't I have finished growing up? Apparently not. lol.

January: I started the year without making resolutions and I'm glad I didn't because it gave me a chance to be open to whatever changes God had in store for me. I revisited the faith of my childhood. It seems interesting that this happened while I was praying the Rosary because most of this year I struggled with my faith in a way that challenged me (in a good way!) and made mature my facing difficult situations that only God's love and mercy -- and my trust in Him -- could've helped me through. I came to terms with the fact that I prefer the Latin Mass even though some people apparently think it's snobbish to do so. Hey, I'm not knocking your preference; I'm only stating mine. ;) Something that I was grateful for -- and also set in motion some big changes in me this year: I admitted to myself that I had forgotten how to forgive the way I used to. Some people may say that I just stopped being a doormat but I say I became someone I didn't like very much and I'm still working on that, 11 months later.

February: I didn't know that what began shortly before Lent this year would be something that I struggled with for the rest of the year: feeling unworthy of being a Catholic and of God's mercy. Yeah, 2017 was quite possibly the hardest year, spiritually, for me and it just got harder as the time went on. Feeling restless in my faith wasn't the greatest feeling in the world but it forced me to tackle things head-on. Oh, and I gave up social media (and talking... haha, that part didn't stick) for Lent. The giving up social media? Oh, did it (more on that in a bit).

March: Lent set off what would become a crazy year for me. Holy cow! I left the country for the first time since before my father passed away. St. Francis de Sales made the first of several random appearances in my life during this month, dropping some awesome truth bombs along the way. It inspired me. Somehow, I managed to see the blessings even during that hard time. Oh yeah, and did you know that you can't dance during Lent? Oops, my bad!

April: Another roller coaster month for me. For the first time in my life, I was racially profiled which was not fun. I also came to terms with the fact that I don't really like social media all that much. On a brighter note, I enrolled in the Rosary Confraternity on Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati's birthday and received confirmation of my enrollment for Easter. Whoo! should've listened to the signs I received in April regarding school but I didn't. I guess it didn't help that I had no clarity regarding God's will for me. Still, I should've trusted but I didn't.

May: I had zero plans for my life and it didn't feel right... then. Ask me how I feel now and it's a different story but then? Nope. Didn't like it. I should've taken things slower and had more patience but I didn't and it ended up being costly. Well, at least St. Brigid of Kildare reminded me of some of the good traits God has blessed me with. Better than nothing (and something I should've kept in mind that would've helped me months later). There was some good news in May though. I celebrated my 1000th blog post. Oh yeah, and I turned 32 at the end of the month. 'Sup? lol.

June: I struggled to figure out where to draw the line when it comes to self-care. Heck, I'm still learning. This was probably the hardest month, spiritually, for me as I admitted that I nearly left the Church the previous month. I couldn't find my place in the Church with rejections and some not so friendly experiences making it hard for me to not feel kicked while I was already down.

July: I revealed that I had been working on my third novel (the ending of which I just finished three days ago). In this post I said that I felt called to write and between this and St. Francis de Sales, I should've known something was up but it didn't click for me until December. I'm slow sometimes. This was probably the biggest month for me in terms of what would be clarified at the end of the year, especially when I admitted to myself that I didn't feel called to the SLP path (though I didn't specifically state it at the time) and that I didn't want to make my life all about a career. Oh yes, and I took a dating break that lasted until about two weeks ago. Yes, I'm still single but at least now I'm positive I'm ready to move forward in that area of my life.

August: My dislike of Twitter came to the forefront this month but I didn't do anything about it quite yet. All I knew was that I wasn't too happy with the whole "Catholic Twitter" thing. St. Francis de Sales continued to stalk me at the most random times but I still didn't put two and two together. Of course, I didn't tell people I was back at school, though I did drop hints. I'm not quite sure why I didn't want to say anything at the moment but it should've been an obvious red flag.

September: This was the month in which I saw a ton of change and set the tone for the rest of the year. I celebrated my 32nd baptismal anniversary on the feast of St. Anna the Prophetess. I revealed in which way God humbled me... and it turned out to be in more than one way. I shared why I had stopped writing my third novel (at the time) and I even spoiled the novel plot... and, surprise!, talked about the inspiration behind the idea. I also finally decided to tell everyone that I had returned to school... and I should've done it sooner so that perhaps someone could've stopped me. lol.

October: I had emotional breakdowns every two or three weeks during the semester but I kept fighting it. Oh, Emmy... you should've listened to your gut feeling but, no, I kept on going and I explained why I kept going. St. Therese of Lisieux came up during this period of my life and I learned a lot of valuable things from it... and, in hindsight, I should've focused more on the whole "waiting for your vocation" instead of going forward in something that didn't feel right. The end of the month also saw the end of the "nerdwriter" era, deleting my decade-old Twitter account. By the way, yes, I know who ended up taking the username on Twitter. No, it's not me.

November: I continued to crawl my way out of the academic tunnel even though I'd felt (for months) that I wasn't called to the field. I broke down in tears more in a single semester than I had when I was at my CINO college alma mater (those 2 years). My body and spirit were being broken the further I continued to try to finish the second degree. Still, I found things to be grateful for. Thankfully, St. Giuseppe Moscati started popping up in my life prior to his feast day and that set in motion something that was long overdue. I started to put some of the puzzle pieces together when, during prayer time, I figured out that St. Francis de Sales, patron saint of writers, might have something to do with the vocation God had in mind for me. That's why I had to create a new Twitter account and why I've been active again.

December: My plans to wait, reflect, and slow down during Advent didn't start out too well but it's something I've decided to continue it into the new year because it's another puzzle piece that I've finally put together. I decided to quit the SLP field. I've felt an amazing peace regarding this decision despite others trying to pressure me into continuing this path. As I wrote two blog posts ago, I'm completely abandoning myself to His Divine Providence and I look forward to seeing the fruit of this in the upcoming year.

And that's it. The end of the year blog post recap. These are not ALL the posts I wrote this year -- officially the least amount of blog posts I've written in the decade that I've been blogging -- but those were some of the highlights.

How am I still standing? How did I not have panic attacks? How did I not have a complete breakdown? God pulled me through one of the hardest years I've ever had and it just comes to show that His love and His mercy are greater than any obstacle that one comes across.

Well, as a friend would say, I persevered and (as I say) I finally listened to God. Everything I went through led me to the breakthroughs that I had this month; the breakthroughs that I will continue to explore this upcoming year.

Thank you all sharing this year (either all of it or some of it) with me and I look forward to sharing the rest of my adventure with you in 2018.

Have a happy New Year, everyone! Stay safe and may God bless you all! :D

2016: The Year This Nerd Learned to Trust

Oh, 2016... what a roller coaster year it was. I had so many lows but the highs were what made this year and what I went through worthwhile. Who knew that the lessons I learned during Lent -- on controlling my temper, doing things in moderation, rearranging priorities, letting go of perfection, and, finally, on increasing my trust in God -- would help me grow throughout the year, in a big way. Everything from the mess our former building manager left to being completely aimless for a while only helped me grow closer to the Lord.

The reoccurring theme for me this year was learning to let go and trust God wholeheartedly, even when I couldn't see the end of the tunnel in certain situations. I had to face my fears and deal with doubts I was having regarding my vocations. It took a lot of patience and prayer to get through some of the most difficult times. Taking big decisions to prayer was what kept me sane this year.

I went through a long period of spiritual dryness which began during the summer and didn't end until about early October. In the middle of that dryness, I was able to forgive some of the worst offenses ever done to me. The low point was falling into depression in late summer when I was emotionally vulnerable after recognizing signs that I was in friendships (yes, plural) that were not good for me or for the other person involved. I almost shut down this blog when I was at the lowest point in my depression but I'm glad that I stuck it out and continued to write. I actually still dealt with letting go of friendships up until a couple of days ago. I'm happy to report that it ended well. I still pray for these people and I have absolutely no ill will towards them because of the good they brought into my life but God helped me see why it was better to go our separate ways.

During the first half of the year, I had to fall back to half-time in grad school before I had to leave it completely. I ended up returning to finish my second Bachelor's degree in a different field (speech pathology) and am now about halfway through the program. I absolutely loved my time in grad school because I immersed myself in Biblical Theology but God knows why I wasn't meant to finish the Master's degree in it. For a couple of weeks during the summer, I considered letting both paths go and return to my former life but I saw why it wouldn't have been a good idea. I'm happy with the path I'm on now and I can see why this is where God wants me to be.

As for the other vocation, I "dated" myself... meaning I got to know myself better. Accepting that I'm a highly sensitive person really helped me avoid stimulus that would've made my anxiety levels go through the roof and, I believe, helped me avoid panic attacks throughout the year... which came in handy when I began to become more social in the second of the year. Yes, my mother still brings up the fact that I'm still unmarried. I'm still keeping my ninja status in this area but I will say that I'm very happy about how the year is ending on this front and I'm looking forward to seeing what 2017 brings.

As for my health, I had a lot of ups and downs. This summer was especially hard. I had to deal with the return of anemia as well as a kidney infection and an eventual acute kidney injury. Palpitations and heart worries were something I dealt with for months during the second half of the year. At the beginning of the year, I felt like I was too busy for self-care but I ended up embracing it as the year ended. Unplugging and quieting the world during Lent was amazing but something I didn't do again during the year. Sure, I had moments in which I was able to remember why it's so important to step away from social media but I still didn't do it as much as I would've liked. A continued goal for 2017? I think so!

One of the biggest fears I worked through was offending people and pushing them away with my thoughts. I'd been accused of "too pious" in how I looked at things but I knew that I had to write what I felt and how I looked at things from a more "conservative" side. I started by telling y'all why I threw away my Meg Cabot books. At the end of the year, I was able to finally push those fears aside and allow myself to post what I wanted. Post about mental and emotional purity that a lot of people had a massive cow over, anyone? Yes, it took almost the entire year before I made the big change, but, hey, I was able to do it. We'll just have to see what I have the guts to write about next year. ;)

My biggest failure this year as, undoubtedly, how little I went to Mass. I stunk at going to Mass, especially with everything I had going on throughout the year. I actually teared up yesterday while praying the Rosary, because I still feel like a failure and a horrible Catholic for not going to Mass. Something always came up and then I second guessed whether I should've tried harder to get to Mass. Biggest goal in 2017? Get my tush to Mass! It was my main petition during the St. Andrew Christmas novena for a reason. Oh, if you're wondering... I was able to attend Mass twice during Advent. I didn't go to Mass last weekend for Christmas. The reasons for my poor attendance? I was sick and in pain... I couldn't breathe and felt too dizzy/lightheaded to drive (and no one else in this house drives)... I was having stomach problems... sometimes I even had random panic attacks. Yes, all legitimate but still, something I need to find a priest and talk to him about since I haven't had a spiritual director in over a year. Thankfully, I got to Mass a bit more often, a big reason for that was because of the encouragement I received from the young adult group I joined in October.

Looking back at everything, it seems like things came full circle in most areas of my life. I debated and rejected returning to the career path I had been on prior to my reversion. The summer began with a lot of trips to the hospital, just like the summer that I reverted, only this year they didn't go beyond the summer (follow-ups not included). I find it funny that this all happened because I celebrated a decade since my reversion to the faith this year. Bonus: I also returned to my alma mater to take my proctored exams. Who saw that coming? Not me!

God truly blessed me this year. He kept surprising me when I feared things wouldn't get better. After learning to let go of my need to control things and surrender my selfishness, things changed for me. My life changed. I was even called "bubbly" for the first time in over a decade... and it was a genuine and positive compliment. Resigning myself to do God's will, even when it's incredibly difficult and I'm petrified of not being strong enough to endure the trials, was the best decision I made this year. I'm sure a combination of what I learned during Lent in addition to the graces I received during the 54-day Rosary novena were what helped me mature and grow in my relationship with God. I hope to continue seeing its fruit into 2017 and beyond.

To those who've stuck with me all year and those who joined my journey during the year, I wanted to say "thank you." Your prayers, encouraging words, and challenges (done in a civil manner) have helped make me the person I am today. Who I was at the beginning of the year is someone I barely recognize... and I'm grateful for all the positive changes you've all helped me embrace. :) Here's to another year and (dare I dream?) better 2017! Verso l'alto! ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless you all in 2017! :D

2015: The Year This Nerd Saw Blessings During Trials

The original title to this post was "2015: The Year This Nerd Survived!"... until I got to the end of the post and I realized how blessed I was during the year of crazy... because this year was craziness. Yes, the title seems a bit dramatic but I seriously couldn't think of any other way to describe my year. I survived... and I thrived (in a way)! lol.

Boy, it's been quite the year. Even though it seems like the bad has outweighed the good, I feel like it was quite the opposite. Don't believe me? Keep on reading. ;)

January: There were a few changes to this blog during the first month of the year. First, I decided to no longer use memes or .gifs that had copyrighted material. To my knowledge, I was one of the first Catholic blogs who started using these memes and .gifs before it caught on. I stand by my decision to use stock photos that are royalty free as well as .gifs of web series' and films that either allow the use of .gifs or are free domain. I also had two major breakthrough moments: I drove to the Cathedral despite the downtown area being panic attack inducing (without having panic attack) and I began the road to learning to love myself as I am. I believe these two helped me get through the rest of the year with as little anxiety as possible (seriously, I have minimal anxiety this year). Oh yeah, and I accepted to Christendom College for graduate school.

February: My big brother came to visit from Texas and it was the first time I'd seen him since my undergraduate graduation ceremony in 2012. Those who know me personally know how his departure to Dallas has been a hard transition since he assumed the role as "man of the house" after dad passed away but his return only helped us realized that we've been able to do very well on our own. Mama G and I are independent women. lol. I also answered some questions regarding the Will and Lina series (undoubtedly due to the release of the paperbacks) and made big steps to wean myself off of social media during Lent and had some success. I really enjoyed the simpler life without much technology and have just decided to make a new goal for me in 2016. I backslid quite a bit after Lent. Like, a lot. It's not as bad as previous years but still not where I'd like to be. lol. For those of you wondering how I am doing following my admission to having mild depression, I'm doing much better, thank you. :)

March: I started my favorite month of the year by reflecting on Spiritual Motherhood (my second most popular post of the year), which led to a deeper serenity regarding my vocation. I learned to actually like silence (which I struggled with before). I was accepted to both Franciscan University of Steubenville and John Paul the Great University, the latter being where I currently attend grad school. St. Therese helped get me through the dry spells during the Lenten season, Also, who would've predicted that the year that I finally felt a connection to the ever elusive St. Joseph (who taught me great lessons this year) would also be the year that he was voted my patron saint for the following year?

One of the biggest trials of the year came when I had to say "goodbye" to one of my best and oldest friends. That was, by far, one of the more difficult lessons I learned this year. Sometimes you have to let go of people or situations that do you more harm than good. They may be wonderful but if you find yourself being pulled away from God, you know it's time to walk away. I still pray for her and I wish her nothing but the best.

April: One of my best friends came to visit from Indiana towards the end of the month. We ended up celebrating my birthday a month early, which was fine by me. lol. We also ended up meeting a number of incredibly inspiring Catholic lady bloggers when we all went to watch Little Boy at a local cinema. I also shared some of the lecture notes from my CINO (Catholic in Name Only) alma mater. Yes, all that was really said.

My most popular blog post of the year (about 3x as many hits as the rest) was the one on romantic disappointments. I guess a lot of people were able to relate to it on some level. I think that's the most open I've ever been regarding my personal life, which y'all have probably noticed is a topic I rarely talk about on the blog. I'm happy to report that I'm in a good place in regards to my personal life. Yes, I'm still single but I'm very at peace with my current state of life because I know God is still preparing me for my future fella. In fact, I feel like everything bad that I endured this year all helped prepare me for the future by showing me that I am capable of handling really hard situations without being reduced to panic attacks. Admittedly, I went through a couple of toads earlier this year but it also helped me realize that my priorities when it comes to my vocation and my future fella are in the right place. :)

May: I said goodbye to my 20s and celebrated my 30th birthday. Yes, I know; I don't look or act 30. Sorry? lol. I went through a period where I felt a pressure to re-discern my vocation which was not an easy thing to endure. It caused a lot of confusion for a while. I know people meant well but, if anything, it helped reinforce my certainty regarding my vocation so I thank everyone for that!

June: This was the last calm month I had this year before things went crazy. I wrote about why I remain Catholic, why I decided to pray like a child, and I took issue with all the shade throwing I saw on social media. I also admitted to having a social media addiction and had made great progress... until the crazy that was the second half of the year began and threw those goals out the window.

July: Before the craziness began, I talked about why I had no problem living at home at my age. Then life went bananas. It started with a walk through a pretty intense spiritual desert. On the bright side, it helped me learn to entrust my loneliness to God and made the rest of the year easier in regards to those aches of loneliness single people feel. I was officially burnt out on social media at the end of the month but little did I know that intense attacks would bring me back to it. The silver lining to this was that I accepted the fact that self-care was not laziness or indulgence. At the end of the month I had an interesting reflection on vanity during my first ER trip that summer.

August: This month was slow for me because I had a couple of surgical procedures done during the month and had to rest for a couple of weeks. My faith and learning to trust in beginning of trials was something that I believe kept me going through the domino effect of "bad luck" that continued through this month. I admitted my past academic pride as I prepared myself for the start of grad school. I also answered and commented on the most frequently asked questions and remarks made when I meet someone offline. That was fun!

September: I started the month with nothing but gratitude. I gave Mama Mary a birthday shoutout for everything she's done for me since I felt (and still feel) like I survived the year thanks to her consistent intercessions. My third post popular post was my rant on why guys should cool it with the whole "friend zone" thing. For fun, I posted 10 facts you probably didn't (but now do) know about me. A weekend trip down memory lane helped me realize that I was on the right path in life. On the last day of the month, I began grad school on an intense note that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the quarter.

October: My first car accident as a driver was kind of crazy. Have I used that word enough yet? It unfortunately began a second domino effect in which I saw my health and my schoolwork affected. I'm actually still trying to get all of that in order to this day. I wrote about why I'm not ashamed to cry, especially after everything I endured. On the bright side: I saw my handsome little godson celebrate his first birthday. I love my little man so much. :)

November: The "bad luck" continued into November. Thankfully I'm not superstitious like I used to be. This was the month in which I began having doubts about grad school due to everything that happened. I shared why I left the Church as a teenager which was a story not many people knew about. Towards the end of the month I found myself without a spiritual director which I took very hard. I'm okay without one for now though I know I will need one in the future.

December: This month began with a crazy week in which I saw my personal safety (where I live) threatened. This is still not resolved because our new building manager is not a nice person. That's the most charitable way I can put it and I'm going to leave it at that. I survived a crazy first quarter of graduate school. I ended up failing my final Theology exam because of everything that happened in the weeks leading up to it. Thankfully my professor was merciful and I passed the class well enough to be able to stay in the program though I will have to retake the course possibly next autumn. After two months of confusion, doubts, and tears, I received my moment of clarity (thanks to the Christmas novena) that helped me decide to return to grad school after taking the winter quarter off.

There you have it: my crazy, busy, hectic, trial-filled year. I could sit here and lament about all the bad that I went through but more good came of it than bad. I was able to make it to the end of the year with little anxiety and with my faith stronger than ever. I've felt an immense peace regarding my vocation (as a wife and mother) and my career (at least in the academic sense, for now) that I'd never felt before. I feel like I'm a strong, more confident person because of everything that I went through. Yes, the year was arguably my worst year of my life thus far but even in those trials I was able to see all the blessings and for that I'm so grateful.

I hope y'all had a better year than I did, lol. Let's put this year behind us and remember that with God, we're able to get through some of the worst times. Have hope, don't forget to pray, and don't forget to love when when you're grumpy. ;)

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

2014: The Year This Nerd Became Brave

As I was looking back at this past year, I noticed that I did a lot of things (I packed more in a single year than I had in the past 6 years combined) because I made an unofficial resolution to be brave. If you know me, you know that the words "brave" and "Emmy" were rarely used in a single sentence... until this year. There is a lot I can cover but here at the major highlights:

1) I had two novels published in the span of 7 months.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you guys about this since the print versions (as well as the novel sequel in eBook) version were just released a week ago but my biggest professional highlight was finally getting my novels published. I had worked on Will and Lina: When Two Worlds Collide since 2008 (the original draft is nowhere near what it ended up being; one day I'll reveal how the story was original supposed to end) and I wrote the entire first draft of Will and Lina: London Calling last November. This year I edited them (with help from Kiera), worked on the covers, and I made my dreams come true by publishing years worth of hard work. The fact that I had the guts to say "Okay, I want to do this so I'm going to do it" and of not letting my nervousness get the best of me was a huge deal. I've always loved writing (obviously; I've been blogging for 7 years now!) but it wasn't until this year that I really worked hard at letting my "babies" out into the world. Even though I did stress myself out a little with deadlines and formatting issues, finally seeing my novels published was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done... and it's something that I know I will continue to do in the future.

2) I learned that sometimes the best thing is to do is let go so you can move forward.
Some of my biggest triumphs of the year in the "bravery" category had me walking away from things that I did not want to let go of. I walked away from a career path that I was loving but had to let go of because the school environment was making me physically ill. I let go of the fear of financial instability by admitting that I was at my happiest pursuing Theology and Religious Studies degrees and I would much rather do that than Speech-Language Pathology (though, mark my words, I will finish that someday.) I know jobs for Theology M.A.s are hard to come by but I'm not worried. This is what I want to do with my life -- what I feel called to do now that I've stopped trying to control the outcome. I let go of my fear of illness, which I developed when my father was first diagnosed with cancer several years ago. Yes, my platelets and iron are still on the low side and, no, I don't know when/if I'll get better... but I'm not worried about it. I know God will take care of me and, if this is just a cross I have to carry, then I will do it to the best of my abilities. I've found myself so much happier just letting go, moving forward, and not looking back. Oh, and please don't start singing that song from Frozen; I can't stand it.

3) My anxiety became manageable for the first time since I was first diagnosed with anxiety/panic disorder at 15.
I owe a big "thank you" to my therapist (whom I saw from March through the first week of August) because she helped me immensely. After that horrible incident in February, I was in full-on PTSD mode. In cognitive-behavioral therapy I not only learned that I had PTSD, I also learned how to deal with it. Since then I've still had some anxiety come and go (which is normal; that won't disappear altogether overnight), but it's no longer an issue when it comes to making plans. I've gone out so much this year (mainly to Disneyland with friends; it's kind of our thing) and my social life is so much better than it has been in years because I finally said "well, flip that table, anxiety. You're not the boss of me!" I can take public transportation (by myself... a huge feat I hadn't done since 2005.) I can drive long distances. I can do so many things because I refuse to let anxiety run my life... and it's been wonderful.

4) My biggest act of bravery was being honest with myself across the board.
It took a lot for me to sit down and, basically, be honest with myself. There were so many things that I had been in denial of for a number of reasons. It took a lot of courage for me to admit that school was causing me more harm than good because I had invested so much into it. To leave the SLP program (as well as stick up for myself against unfair professors) without even finishing the semester was uncharacteristic of me. I felt like a failure for a while... but then I realized that I wasn't. I tried and it didn't work out because it wasn't meant to be. I gave it my all and I pushed myself as much as I could and I'm proud of myself for that. To be able to say "okay, I tried this and it didn't work" and "okay, I need to make these changes to better my life" and then actually implement the changes was what made my year incredibly satisfying.

I look back at 2014 and I go "man, I went through a lot" because I did. I went through health issues, finance instability, career/academic disappointments, and a number of other things that were major turning points in my life. I see all the tears, pain, heartbreak, and disappointment that I felt... but none of it compares to the warmth, love, laughter, happiness, and achievement that I've also felt. Yes, the year stunk like a poopy diaper but I'm genuinely happy. I'm happier than I've been in a long time and I feel much freer than I have since before my dad died 5 years ago. I'm incredibly excited at all the brand new opportunities that I have in life all because I decided to be brave. I didn't run away and hide; I stood up and said "I'm sorry but I'm not going to let you define me." To quote the gif (from the web series Emma Approved): Holy Oprah, what just happened?! Who is this girl and how can I get her to stay? ;)

Anyway, I won't make traditional New Years resolutions because I don't want to limit my growth as a person. There is still a lot left to do but it'll all happen in God's time. In the meantime I'll just try to keep building on the courage I've gained this year and I hope that it will also translate in my faith which, sadly, took a back seat to school and work for the majority of the year.

Thank you all for sharing this year with me. You've helped enrich my year way more than y'all will know. I hope y'all stick around for the (undoubtedly) amazing adventures that 2015 has in store for all of us. Verso l'alto! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

2013: The Year this Nerd Persevered

I believe this year was the year I persevered. I know we all had a hard year; I've seen so many people celebrating the fact that the secular year is over with because of how exhausting 2013 was. However, despite the challenges, I think I made some really good steps to bettering my future. If last year was the year that I faced my fears and moved on, this was the year that I actually made things happen (as opposed to just hoping I would get the guts to change things) no matter how frightening the changes were.

To change from a career I'd always wanted (writing) to one that I had never even considered took a lot of faith as well as guts. I had some intense months of prayer and spiritual direction in order to get to this place. I was so reluctant to let go of writing (because it was what I wanted) but, being practical, I knew the instability of the career was not good for me. The Holy Spirit used two important people in my life to simultaneously lead me down the Speech-Language Pathology path and, after my SD told me what I needed to hear, I bit the bullet. I applied to only one school (which is the best from what I've heard from former students), was accepted, and now I'm waiting to begin my classes this coming May.

As I am not one to give up on my dreams so easily, I am still writing and have worked on two novels (both of which will be published next year) this year. I have a couple more in mind, which is exciting. How I will do it with SLP (especially since I have to get some hours in in order to start working as an assistant upon graduation), I am not sure... but it's a challenge I am very much looking forward to?

I think the best thing that could've happened to me this year was finally find the right spiritual director for me. Fr. G is a Godsend. I needed someone who pushed me out of my comfort zone and helped (and is still helping) me get out of the spiritual dryness I'd been feeling on and off for a couple of months. He's helped me out so much that I can already see the difference within me... and it's so wonderful. My wish is that everyone finds someone like him (someone who will inspire you to be your best and to get closer to God) for themselves.

One last (big) thing: Y'all know I started the year really sick. I got so sick (and so thin) that I received the Anointing of the Sick in May. It got quite scary for a while but I never let go of my faith nor of God and He saw me through. I'm still in recovery but I am in a better place than I was before. I think that that pretty much sums my year.

I was thrown so many obstacles this year (change of career, health issues, figuring out my vocation, financial, etc.) but I never let go of God. He was truly my rock this year. He's always been my rock but I can't begin to express how grateful I am to Him for His constant presence in my life. Looking back, I can't remember the last time I truly felt that He gave me the tools I needed to overcome everything that could've potentially (figuratively) drowned me. Though there were a few weeks when I didn't feel close to Him, I know He never left my side.

I've said this all year but I truly feel like God used this year to show me that I am ready for whatever new chapter 2014 will bring me. I got the courage to face a lot of things that I was afraid of. I've had so many people tell me that I couldn't do things over the years that I was afraid to try them. This year, that all changed... and I am so glad that I was able to show myself that I could do them. With every little thing that I conquered, my confidence grew as did my love for God, Mama Mary (wow, what a year for my relationship with her; I love her more than words can express), and for my heavenly buddies who helped me get to where I am.

Yes, 2013 was incredibly difficult but I was blessed in so many ways that the good greatly outweighed the bad. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me in 2014. I can already feel like it's going to be a big year for me... and not just because I'll be entering the last year of my 20s halfway through the year.

Anyway, that was my year. I want to thank y'all for sharing it with me. Thank you for your prayer, your support, and the love y'all have shown me. Yes, I'm getting a bit sappy but y'all know I'm like that. lol.

I hope you all have a wonderful 2014. I can't wait to see what new adventures God has in store for us. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

2012: The Year This Nerd Faced Her Fears and Moved On

I'm doing this in order so I don't forget anything. ;)

January: I started off the year with a nasty cold/flu (the first in 2-3 years). However, it wasn't all that bad. :D I also started my Senior Thesis. Most of it was done on my own (my adviser was pretty MIA with all the Religious Studies majors; or so we discovered on graduation day) and I was utterly nervous about tackling it. A minimum of 40 pages written and the max was 50 pages. Despite my worries, I applied the war paint and began the four month (you read right) task of completing it. Another dragon I encountered, difficult professors. If I thought my Religious Studies professors didn't like me... hoo, I was about to experience the worst professor in my academic career. She made me cry in class a couple of times. That bad. Still, I was determined to do well in my courses and graduate with a good GPA (academic overachiever, party of one).

February: Someone I considered a friend (who I had had at my birthday party the year before) was a bit blab-y and I became known as "the girl with the blog." What blog? That they didn't know the details of. All the knew was that I supposedly trashed my CINO college and that I used a pseudo name. Was I afraid that I would be expelled for speaking the truth? Yes. After all, although everything I said was true, it was bad PR for the school. However, I have never mentioned my now alma mater by name so they couldn't sue me. On the bright side, I became "addicted" to attending daily Mass so I took comfort in that on my most trying days. Also, I attended my first Stations of the Cross since it was the first year I had a license during Lent and could, therefore, go without trouble. "D

March: Fr. Alexander Lewis (who was a favorite in my household and who helped me get a priest to confess my father for the first time in 40 years before he died in 2009) passed away. I still can't write this without tearing up. In fact, I am kind of seeing blurry through the tears. He was my and my mother's confessor; the first confessor my mother had in several years. Before we found out about his death, I fulfilled part of my dream of visiting all the California Missions by visiting Mission Santa Barbara about 2-3 hours north of Los Angeles. One less Mission on that mission. Yes, horrible joke. ;)

April: The beast known as my Senior Thesis was completed. I gave it the title "Go and Make Disciples of all Nations: Evangelization Efforts by and for Generation Y Using Catholic New Media." Can you guess what it was about? lol. Final page count was 53. In case you think no one has read it, both Angelica and Sr. Helena have copies of it. Bam! lol. I was overjoyed and stressed out, yet sad because it meant that I was about to graduate and head out into the world that I'd only dreamed about.

May: Big month for me. I FINALLY graduated college. It took me 8 years (on and off; a total of 5 full years) to pull it off. I graduated high school a year and a half early and then took some time off when my dad had his first fight with cancer. I started college and then my father was diagnosed with cancer a second time so I pulled back to part time to be able to take care of him. I took a semester off somewhere in between. I returned to school full time when the cancer returned. I was ready to transfer to my CINO college (before I knew how horrible it was, theologically speaking) when my father died. I took a year off between his death and my junior year to pull myself together. After years of taking care of my dad, mourning his death, taking care of myself, and going through so many hoops, I was able to graduate. It was the promise I made to my dad on his death bed -- that I would graduate college no matter what and I did. In honor of everything he did (he used to drive me to school and wait for me since I didn't start driving until early 2011), I took a locket with his picture and wore it on the day. My older brother, my two nephews, some of my neighbors and my mom were all there to see me walk that stage (with my head bowed down; I hated the attention. I blushed while wanting to hide, lol). Before the month ended, I was interviewed by Dustin for his 16-Bit Catholic podcast (which was a blast). Only my disastrous birthday adventure tainted the month. lol.

June: Fairly quiet month. My Football (Soccer) and Catholicism post became one of the most popular of the year. I still owe y'all that part two in which I am going to focus on the rivalry between Catholic Celtic FC and Protestant Rangers in the Scottish League. My post grad slump hit... hard, but I made it out of the month alive.

July: The third anniversary of my father's death came and I hit a depression phase for a couple of weeks. After some unpleasantness online, I decided to write a post about my bullying experience. Many of you learned why I suffer from anxiety because of that post. On the fun side, I let you guys know some fun facts about myself that many didn't know. :D

August: I was officially enrolled in the Brown Scapular and began my daily prayers of The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. We had some health scares with mom (she has since pulled through). I wrote another one of my most popular blog posts this year -- a letter to my 17 year-old self. We saw a true miracle, my cousin's blind and mute grandson miraculously began seeing, first time since his birth. I decided to get over some of my difficulties towards the end of the month, using my phlegmatic-sanguine temperament to work with me instead of against me. I started having my stomach problems at the end of this month (that I am still suffering from to this day).

September: "God what is my vocation? What is my career?" Bam, I started my freelance career with a bang!  Though I could not tell y'all what my jobs were then, y'all would soon find out. :D Not only that, I began tutoring and thus my "how am I going to start paying off my student loan?" worries were lifted off of my shoulders.

October: My first blog post for H&R Block's Block Talk was debuted. A massive "thank you" to Scott Gulbransen for the amazing opportunity. Also, you guys learned my actual name (instead of my pen name/nickname). Yeah, CINO college still can't sue me because I never mentioned the school nor the professors by name. BTW, I still prefer Emmy... and apparently so do some of my friends because my Christmas cards were made out to Emmy. lol. The Year of Faith began, as did my goal during it.  A Pope Benedict XVI dream prompted a new vocation project... which is still private. Sorry!

November: Election time. I confessed to being a former liberal Democrat in a former life (prior to my reversion). I was inspired to begin What I Learned Wednesday. While it's still slow to catch up, it's getting there. Also, my little (adopted) brother, Brandon, was a guest blogger in the second part of my Catholicism and tumblr series.

December: With the start of Advent came the first What I Learned Wednesday post. I had a slow month this month (except for the persistent/pesky stomach issues).

As you can see, I had an interesting year. I faced my fears of graduating college, starting a new career, and being thrown out into the read world and moving on. Instead of feeling (or looking, lol) my actual age, I feel as though I am so much younger than I am because of how belated everything seems to have happened. In a way, I was afraid of this part of "growing up." I had "I wish my dad was here" moments sprinkled throughout the year because I felt as though I was moving on and leaving everything that reminded me of him behind, but I've come to see everything as a new chapter and beginning in my life.

I needed all of this. Though I didn't write about it, I also discerned the possibility of staying single (though I have since gotten little "giiirrl, that is not your vocation" signs) which used to scare the sarcasm out of me. I am sure my stomach problems (4 months and counting) are also part of a learning experience for me. Maybe all of this is to show me that I am stronger than I think and is thus preparing me for the next phase of my life, whatever it may be.

I thank God for every up and down this year because I feel as though it has made me the person that I am. I am grateful for the good and am sure the bad has been for my benefit whether I can see it now or not.

Thank you all for sticking with me through this year and here's hoping that next year is so much better. :D BTW, send me prayer requests -- I want to pull 365 days of praying for others. :D Have a wonderfully blessed New Years.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D



P.S. Don't forget to vote for the patron saint. It closes at 11:59 p.m. PST tonight!

2011: The Year This Nerd Fell in Love

One of my best friends, Danica, took this picture earlier this year when she was visiting Los Angeles. By the way, no, that is NOT an engagement ring. That is a claddagh ring that I've worn as a "promise" ring since my 23rd birthday -- as in, I promise to remain chaste in thought and action and this is a reminder that my heart belongs solely to God until the right man comes along. When that man finally shows up, he must be willing to share me with God. ;) That is why I chose this particular version of the claddagh ring: the heart symbolizes my heart, the crown on top of it to remind me of God and how He holds my heart, and the Celtic Trinity knot (triqueta) to remind me of the Holy Trinity. Traditional versions have hands holding the heart instead of the Trinity knot holding the heart in place. :) Just a quick note before I get into the rest of the post. ;D

Last year was the year this nerd grew up. This year was the year that this nerd fell in love. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, let me just clarify that I do not mean romantic love. :) This was the year that I learned to love life again. After having spent most of 2009 and part of 2010 numb following my father's death, I was revived this year. As cheesy as it sounds, everything looked new and fresh... like how you imagine the start of Spring to be like. The cold, the clouds, and depressing state disappears and a new life begins. That is how it was for me. The flowers bloomed, the sky got brighter, and the warmth enveloped me once again. There were new lessons I learned that will stay with me for the rest of my life; lessons that will contribute to making me a better person.

Lent was probably the most significant time for me this year. On Ash Wednesday, my buddy Joe and I got the privilege of getting to chat (very briefly) with our new archbishop, Abp. Jose H. Gomez... and he blessed the Rosary I had just purchased at the Cathedral gift shop for my new car before we left. Pretty cool way to start, if you ask. (side note: I also attended his Installation Mass, which was emotional for me because I feel like it's a new era for us Angelenos; one we truly needed.) While I did not do everything I wanted to do during Lent, I certainly felt the impact what that specific time was all about. I truly celebrated Lent more properly this time around. It was strange because of everything I had experienced the year and a half prior to it. We lost my niece's daughter (my dad's first great grandchild) on St. Patrick's Day. Everything that followed made me appreciate the family I have and made me grateful for what I do have.

In March I bought my first car with the help of my big brother, Pedro. I began taking driving lessons (shout out and a "thanks" to Joe who spent weeks teaching me how to drive before I got a professional to get me ready for the driving test). I got my license in May, weeks before my 26th birthday. A couple of "bucket list" items crossed off my list before your next birthday is not too bad. ;) The fact that I am now a licensed driver and that I have been able to drive on an almost daily basis (though locally) is something I would've only dreamed of a few short years ago. The fact that my anxiety has subsided (though not completely; I still have my moments) enough to be able to drive and that I am able to have that freedom is a huge blessing. It was interesting to see how my friends reacted to the excitement I showed while I was in the process of practicing for my driver's test. I'm sort of a late bloomer when it comes to a lot of things and this was just one of them.

Another thing I'm sort of "late" with: graduating college. Something I accomplished recently: I made the Dean's List at my CINO college. 3.8, baby! :D I worked my tush off for that and I did it without compromising my beliefs which was a miracle. I let the anger I felt towards the place (anger that they openly defied authority and taught us things that hurt our Faith more than anything) go and I decided to "kill" them with kindness and with my own hard work. Of course, it helped that I only had one Religious Studies course in the Fall and that everything else wasn't too bad. I declined an invitation to join a national honor society because I didn't feel right taking it. I also did not want to let it go to my head. I've worked hard in college and knowing that is enough for me. I will continue to work hard next semester and hope that I will finish with the same mentality I have now. I am still unsure if I will pursue a Master of Arts in Theology or Creative Writing but I have loads of time to think about that.

So, did I fall in "love" love? No. I have yet to fall in "love" love. No luck in that department but I'm enjoying this time of preparing myself for my future spouse and of being single. Also, I've been too busy with school and other things so I had no time to date. I did, however, decide to that I am now at a point in my life where I can restart dating so we'll see what happens next year. I am far too independent for my own good so I am glad I've had a chance to get it out of my system while I still can. lol. My time will come when God says it will. And this is probably the closest any of y'all will get to knowing about this part of my life until I marry. lol. Merry (late) Christmas. ;)

So, while I did not fall in love love, I fell in love with life. I have this new-found appreciation for things I had been taking for granted. Yes, I did have a gnarly (I'm from Southern California; we use words like that ;)) throat infection that lasted two and a half months. Yes, I still occasionally have anxiety and panic attacks (though the least amount I've had in years). Yes, I am still unemployed (and not by choice) and mom and I are having the worse financial crisis we've ever had. Yes, I still dislike my school and look forward to the day I graduate. Yes, I still have goals that I wish to achieve and have not had the opportunity to complete yet. In spite of everything, I am truly happy and I love my life. I love that God has shown me the right time to reflect on what's truly important. I love that my relationship with Him has only gotten better. I love that my mom's relationship with Him is stronger as well. She now goes to confession regularly and rarely misses Sunday Mass now -- something that 2-3 years ago would've seemed impossible. I love who I am and who I'm becoming as a get older. I don't think I've ever used the word "love" so much in a single blog post before but, hey, y'all knew I'd be talking about love. ;)

I could go on and on but I think y'all get the gist. I am happy that I've learned to love once again and that I am taking this into the next year. :)

Anyway, this is it for this year. Thank you for sharing yet another year with me. A special thanks to my guest blogger, Andrew, for giving me something good to post when I had writer's block. Thank you to my friends for sticking by me during my crazy moments, especially poor Angelica, Danica, and Delaney who got most of the craziness. lol. My journey is not yet over and I look forward to another year sharing it with y'all. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

2010: The Year This Nerd Grew Up

Photo by Nino Andonis.

No, I was not immature (or I hope I wasn't) but I felt like I did a lot of growing as a person this year. I started the year kind of numb, a little apathetic, still mourning the death of my father and ended the year feeling the most alive and spiritually fulfilled that I've been to date.

As I said, I started the year in mourning. My mama went to my dad's room at the strike of midnight and broke down in tears as it was our first New Year without him. I also cried but I think it was harder for her as they were married for nearly 27 years before he passed. A week into the New Year I decided that I did not want to be in the rut I was finding myself in. I did not like feeling numb to most emotions. I did not like being a walking zombie who did not care about a lot of things. Though my faith thankfully did not take a hit, I was still going through the motions without emotions. To be honest, I didn't really snap out of this state right away. It wasn't until this summer, a year after my father's death, that I truly felt like myself once again. The hardest days for me were what would've been my father's 67th birthday, my birthday, and Father's Day. Thankfully I had amazing friends all year that helped me out. The majority prayed for me to get out of my state depression and mourning. Some went to Mass with me and I had two go to the cemetery with me to leave flowers on daddy's grave. I was thrown the best birthday party ever (breaking my bad birthdays "curse")... and basically everyone made sure I never felt alone. Whether they were online friend or friends I got to see in person, I was (and still am) to have truly amazing friends.

Of course, this year had the usual ups and downs. I was sick but less than usual. The anxiety was under control for most of the year (and, bonus!, I finally got to the root of it so I can hopefully move on) and I didn't have many health problems except for the stomach bug I got a few days ago (now you see why I haven't posted in a week?) and two allergic reactions. Otherwise, I'm solid, man. lol. :D School was a trip. For those following my tweets and my blog posts, y'all know what I mean when I say that school was interesting. Little did I know that my experiences at school would bring me so much attention... which I am still surprised by.

The CINO (Catholic in name only) College post unexpectedly blew up. I kind of wanted to hide, to be honest. I don't like being in the spotlight (or the limelight) but my post helped others which is all I wanted. I ended up on websites like the Cardinal Newman Society and First Things blogs. I got tons of comments, emails, and phone calls (seriously!) with words of encouragement, advice, and even schools offering to help me transfer to their schools where being faithful Catholics was the norm and feminist, liberal agendas were nowhere to be found. As I explained, financial and family responsibilities ultimately kept me at the CINO college I wrote about but I'm much more confident going into the next semester (though I don't start until the 10th). I have friends who help me out when I'm stuck on things that professors bring up. I'm still learning about our beautiful Faith so I occasionally need help. Thankfully I also have Patrick Madrid helping me which is amazing 'cause I'm learning a lot from him. Oh and something else that Patrick helped me with was getting my first article published in Envoy Magazine. I am very grateful for having had the opportunity and it only solidified my dream of doing what I want to do for a living which is writing. I still have a lot to learn but I've been fortunate enough to have good guidance. :)

Personally, I think I've grown a lot. From the late night-early morning epiphany I had last January in which I realized how lucky I am to have left my old life and dedicate myself to my faith and to doing God's will to coming out of the spiritual desert I just came out of, I have never felt closer to God than I did this year.

Oh, and in case you're wondering what I'm talking about when I say spiritual desert... in a nutshell, I just spent Advent being attacked by you-know-who with things I did not even know I would ever have to deal with. I had to deal with a lot of issues I'd unknowingly buried when I was a child and I went through a really rough time right before (and during) finals. I believe that if it hadn't been for the second 54-day Rosary novena I'm currently doing and my soul sister Angelica being there for me, I don't know how I would've (emotionally) survived. I had weak but secularly logical "valid" reasons to be angry at God, but I wasn't and still am not. I know other people who've gone through similar experiences have blamed God and/or lost their faith but I didn't. If anything, I came out of the spiritual desert with a greater love of God... and it's given me absolutely no doubt as to what my vocation is. On the contrary, I'm looking at the whole experience as a blessing. Though I spent nearly a month in constant tears and trying to make sense of everything, I feel like I had to go through everything in order to be completely ready for my future role as wife and mother. I'm still single and am in no rush, but never before have I felt more ready for whenever my future husband decides to show up. In fact, I'm excited that I will be sharing my vocation with someone and that we our love of God will only get strengthened by it. (Though, knowing men, whoever the guy is probably got lost and has refused to ask for directions thus making me wait a little longer. Typical. lol. jk.) I will soon write more about this -- you have been warned. ;)

Anyway, I've learned so much about myself and I've gotten some comfortable in my own skin that I feel like I can say that 2010 was the year this nerd grew up. The months of February (at the beginning of Lent) through May were especially good for me on this front. Maybe it was because I was entering my 25th year or maybe it was because, as I believe, God is getting me ready for the next phase of my life but I really did grow as a person and I thoroughly enjoyed the process. By the way, who knew that knowing what my temperament, Phlegmatic-Sanguine, would help me on the path of self-discovery? As I said right before my birthday, in my unofficial declaration of independence (from expectations and peer pressure), I decided to embrace who I was and be unapologetic of it. Although I still have a hard time being assertive (except when I fight against heresy and blasphemy in my classes as this is when my passionate Sanguine side comes out; I'm a lot quieter and can be quite shy in person which I know some of you aren't used to online, lol) I don't deny who I am and what I like and am steadfast in my beliefs. I've lost friends in the process but those who were really my friends have stuck around. :) I have a new outlook in life, and no longer live in the past, which has made me very happy with myself and with where my life is heading. :D Needless to say, 2010 was an amazing year for me despite the lows.

And this concludes the final blog post of the year. :D I still have to pray the Rosary novena for the day as well as take care of my mama who's sick with food poisoning (or possibly the start of the flu I just dodged). I hope everyone had a great year. I want to thank everyone who left a comment, sent an email, or sent me a tweet. Y'all made my year that much better. :D

I wish everyone a wonderful 2011 and look forward to seeing what the year brings (besides the start of my senior year this Fall). Oh and my 26th birthday at the end of May can just get lost; I'm good with being 25 and looking like I'm still in high school. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Help Me Choose the Patron Saint For 2011

I took this picture of St. Cecilia the last time I went to the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels.

It's that time of year. Clean-a-thons are about to begin, cards are being sent out to different corners of the world, and a new patron saint is chosen for this blog. As is tradition, I have posted a poll in which you can choose as many saints as you'd like in hopes to help me pick out the patron saint for 2011. I had multiple saints in 2008, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati in 2009, and St. Cecilia this year. The purpose of this is to help me focus on a certain saint for the year and hope that he/she will help me grow spiritually. Since I'm pretty indecisive I let my friends help me out... and thus the whole concept of the poll was born.

I have the poll set up so that it's open until December 31st so you may vote, or change your vote, until then. The patron saint for the year will be announced on the New Year's Day. Oh! And because there's a possibility of being asked again this year... I pick the patron saints for specific reasons. Each saint is the patron of various vocations or health issues. I tend to pick them according to what I believe they could help me out with if they are chosen as the patron for the year. This year is focused mostly on my vocation. You can either vote for your favorite or for whomever you think you be the best saint for me to focus on. That part is completely up to you. Last year St. Therese of Lisieux was only a vote from tying with St. Cecilia and she helped me out this year as much (if not more) than St. Cecilia did. :D

Anyway, that's it for now. Please vote and help a nerd out. The poll (in case you're getting this post via email) is on the right side column of the blog. :D I have a book to finish for review. :) I hope y'all are having, or had, a great weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading (and voting) and God Bless!