I Feel Restless in My Faith and with Myself

Deep breath in. 

I've been feeling incredibly restless in my faith and with myself and I know it's due to my lack of Mass attendance and trips to the confessional. 

Exhale.

You guys know that I've been struggling with attending Mass for months. Yes, months. I get a deep desire to go to Mass and confession but something always happens. What I wrote in October still applies. I feel like the worst Catholic... a sorry, pathetic excuse of a Catholic. I felt it particularly hard a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly cut out to be a faithful Catholic with how often I've missed Mass. I haven't been to Mass since Candlemas, and we arrived late and I was too distracted to enjoy it. During the last full Mass I attended a month ago, I had to keep my snobby and somewhat uncharitable thoughts to myself. 

If you're wondering what happened today: light-headedness, as is the most common reason for my failure to attend Mass. I didn't even pick Mom up from work today and that only happens when I get so lightheaded that I'm afraid of getting into a potential accident. "Well, that's a valid excuse," you may be saying, but it doesn't take away how uneasy I feel. 

The longer I go without attending Mass or confessing my sins, the more restless I get. I feel absolutely horrid as I type this out. I've noticed how bad things get for me the longer I go without both Mass and confession. First, I become less charitable and more grumpy. Then it becomes easier to do the smallest (and, oftentimes, dumbest) venial sins. Then my patience runs out easier. Things built up. My temper gets worse. I literally cannot focus on anything, especially in prayer. I can't focus on my prayers; they feel robotic and empty. After about the second or third week, I'm an edgy mess. Again, the desire is there but then fear sets in.

Fear is what's at the root of my missing Mass. Fear of getting into a car accident because I'm not as mentally focused as I should be. Fear of getting more sick or not being able to get the medical help I need (this is anxiety talking when I have palpitations like I did earlier today). Fear of physical pain. Fear of fainting, especially when I've felt physically weak like I did two weeks ago. Fear of this... fear of that...

I know that fear is not from God. I know that the evil one uses fear. I want to have the courage to push beyond that fear, but I can't. I don't know what stops me. Oh, wait... yes, I do: more fear. Sometimes, when I think I have the courage to actually go through with it -- to get in my car and drive to Mass -- I begin to second-guess my decision. The "what ifs" begin to roll around in my mind. What if I should just stay home and not risk myself and my health? What if I'm just making up excuses for myself because I don't want to go to Mass? (That last one is one that popped up in my mind). 

I've cried more than once out of my inability to attend Mass. In fact, I'm trying to fight that lump in my throat that is threatened to form while I type this post out. I know I need to talk to a priest about this problem, especially since I feel utterly overwhelmed at this point. I don't like how I feel... and when I say "how I feel" I mean how I act. I don't like living in fear. I don't like losing my temper more easily as time goes by. This isn't who I usually am. I've been (jokingly) referred to as a gal with patience to spare. I don't get angry for more than a couple of minutes. I can let things slide... except I can't. Not these days; not since my lack of Mass attendance began to break personal records.

I humbly ask for your prayers. Beyond praying and talking to a priest, I don't know what else to do. I feel helpless. I feel restless. I feel scared. I don't want to put my soul in jeopardy if I can do something about it. 

Okay... here come the tears. That's okay. Tears only remind me that I care. I care about my soul. I care about my relationship with God. Once my time here on earth is done, I want to spend eternity with Him. I can't do that if I don't feel grounded in my faith; if I keep missing Mass.

Deep breath in. 

Exhale. 

God willing, things will work out. I just need help. And, with this idea, I'm going to stop writing and email one of my favorite local priests to see if I can set up a meeting to talk to him or see if he can give me advice as to what I can do in the meantime (while I wait for my next trip to the confessional and Mass).

I'm sorry to end this blog on such a downer but this is real life. This is -- and has been -- my biggest struggle. Nobody said the journey of this Catholic nerd writer was going to be easy or even pretty.

Alright, email to the priest and then I'll try to catch a Mass on EWTN before my evening/nighttime prayers.

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

2016: The Year This Nerd Learned to Trust

Oh, 2016... what a roller coaster year it was. I had so many lows but the highs were what made this year and what I went through worthwhile. Who knew that the lessons I learned during Lent -- on controlling my temper, doing things in moderation, rearranging priorities, letting go of perfection, and, finally, on increasing my trust in God -- would help me grow throughout the year, in a big way. Everything from the mess our former building manager left to being completely aimless for a while only helped me grow closer to the Lord.

The reoccurring theme for me this year was learning to let go and trust God wholeheartedly, even when I couldn't see the end of the tunnel in certain situations. I had to face my fears and deal with doubts I was having regarding my vocations. It took a lot of patience and prayer to get through some of the most difficult times. Taking big decisions to prayer was what kept me sane this year.

I went through a long period of spiritual dryness which began during the summer and didn't end until about early October. In the middle of that dryness, I was able to forgive some of the worst offenses ever done to me. The low point was falling into depression in late summer when I was emotionally vulnerable after recognizing signs that I was in friendships (yes, plural) that were not good for me or for the other person involved. I almost shut down this blog when I was at the lowest point in my depression but I'm glad that I stuck it out and continued to write. I actually still dealt with letting go of friendships up until a couple of days ago. I'm happy to report that it ended well. I still pray for these people and I have absolutely no ill will towards them because of the good they brought into my life but God helped me see why it was better to go our separate ways.

During the first half of the year, I had to fall back to half-time in grad school before I had to leave it completely. I ended up returning to finish my second Bachelor's degree in a different field (speech pathology) and am now about halfway through the program. I absolutely loved my time in grad school because I immersed myself in Biblical Theology but God knows why I wasn't meant to finish the Master's degree in it. For a couple of weeks during the summer, I considered letting both paths go and return to my former life but I saw why it wouldn't have been a good idea. I'm happy with the path I'm on now and I can see why this is where God wants me to be.

As for the other vocation, I "dated" myself... meaning I got to know myself better. Accepting that I'm a highly sensitive person really helped me avoid stimulus that would've made my anxiety levels go through the roof and, I believe, helped me avoid panic attacks throughout the year... which came in handy when I began to become more social in the second of the year. Yes, my mother still brings up the fact that I'm still unmarried. I'm still keeping my ninja status in this area but I will say that I'm very happy about how the year is ending on this front and I'm looking forward to seeing what 2017 brings.

As for my health, I had a lot of ups and downs. This summer was especially hard. I had to deal with the return of anemia as well as a kidney infection and an eventual acute kidney injury. Palpitations and heart worries were something I dealt with for months during the second half of the year. At the beginning of the year, I felt like I was too busy for self-care but I ended up embracing it as the year ended. Unplugging and quieting the world during Lent was amazing but something I didn't do again during the year. Sure, I had moments in which I was able to remember why it's so important to step away from social media but I still didn't do it as much as I would've liked. A continued goal for 2017? I think so!

One of the biggest fears I worked through was offending people and pushing them away with my thoughts. I'd been accused of "too pious" in how I looked at things but I knew that I had to write what I felt and how I looked at things from a more "conservative" side. I started by telling y'all why I threw away my Meg Cabot books. At the end of the year, I was able to finally push those fears aside and allow myself to post what I wanted. Post about mental and emotional purity that a lot of people had a massive cow over, anyone? Yes, it took almost the entire year before I made the big change, but, hey, I was able to do it. We'll just have to see what I have the guts to write about next year. ;)

My biggest failure this year as, undoubtedly, how little I went to Mass. I stunk at going to Mass, especially with everything I had going on throughout the year. I actually teared up yesterday while praying the Rosary, because I still feel like a failure and a horrible Catholic for not going to Mass. Something always came up and then I second guessed whether I should've tried harder to get to Mass. Biggest goal in 2017? Get my tush to Mass! It was my main petition during the St. Andrew Christmas novena for a reason. Oh, if you're wondering... I was able to attend Mass twice during Advent. I didn't go to Mass last weekend for Christmas. The reasons for my poor attendance? I was sick and in pain... I couldn't breathe and felt too dizzy/lightheaded to drive (and no one else in this house drives)... I was having stomach problems... sometimes I even had random panic attacks. Yes, all legitimate but still, something I need to find a priest and talk to him about since I haven't had a spiritual director in over a year. Thankfully, I got to Mass a bit more often, a big reason for that was because of the encouragement I received from the young adult group I joined in October.

Looking back at everything, it seems like things came full circle in most areas of my life. I debated and rejected returning to the career path I had been on prior to my reversion. The summer began with a lot of trips to the hospital, just like the summer that I reverted, only this year they didn't go beyond the summer (follow-ups not included). I find it funny that this all happened because I celebrated a decade since my reversion to the faith this year. Bonus: I also returned to my alma mater to take my proctored exams. Who saw that coming? Not me!

God truly blessed me this year. He kept surprising me when I feared things wouldn't get better. After learning to let go of my need to control things and surrender my selfishness, things changed for me. My life changed. I was even called "bubbly" for the first time in over a decade... and it was a genuine and positive compliment. Resigning myself to do God's will, even when it's incredibly difficult and I'm petrified of not being strong enough to endure the trials, was the best decision I made this year. I'm sure a combination of what I learned during Lent in addition to the graces I received during the 54-day Rosary novena were what helped me mature and grow in my relationship with God. I hope to continue seeing its fruit into 2017 and beyond.

To those who've stuck with me all year and those who joined my journey during the year, I wanted to say "thank you." Your prayers, encouraging words, and challenges (done in a civil manner) have helped make me the person I am today. Who I was at the beginning of the year is someone I barely recognize... and I'm grateful for all the positive changes you've all helped me embrace. :) Here's to another year and (dare I dream?) better 2017! Verso l'alto! ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless you all in 2017! :D

Temper and Turning the Other Cheek

As I was meditating on today's third Sorrowful Mystery (the Crowning with Thorns) I thought about how there is one change over the years that I'm not happy with: how I've lost the ability to turn the other cheek when others attack me. I thought about how Jesus was mocked and spat on and yet he did nothing in return. What an admirable trait, one that I wish to restore in my life.

I don't know when it happened but sometime in the past couple of years I've become quick to respond and let my temper take over when I feel attacked. I don't like it. At all. I never used to be like this. I used to be better at holding my tongue, of being able to internalize it before I acted on it. I don't know if the change came as a result of my father's death (after the initial mourning period), of cognitive-behavioral therapy that wasn't properly taught to me, or if my time at my CINO college alma mater brought it out. Maybe it was a combination of all three, who knows. All I know is that during this Lenten season I've noticed this negative aspect in myself, that I didn't like it, and that I want to try to be more mindful of how I react, like I used.

I'm not saying I want to go back to the exact same way it was because I used to internalized it (read: bottle it up) and it made my anxiety and panic attacks worse. I don't want that. What I need to do is to find a balance between internalizing it and speaking out. When I say "speaking out" I mean defending myself against unjust words... and even then, I need to learn to try to look for cues on whether it's even worth speaking out against or if it'll make the situation worse.

I wanted to read Overcoming Sinful Anger by Fr. T. Morrow for Lent because I've noticed that I've become more irritable in general ever since my father died and I want to change that. Since I ended up focusing on unplugging and quieting the world (because a lot of things I ended up taking to the confessional came as a result of the (way too much) time I was spending online), I didn't get a chance to read it but God still opened my eyes and my heart about starting this change during the remaining days of Lent.

I started cognitive-behavioral therapy three weeks ago for some linger anxiety issues and I hope it will help; this is one of the things I'm going to work on in my short-term program. Since my therapist seems to be Buddhist (and has suggested I do yoga and meditation which is not compatible to the Catholic faith; the stretches are okay but the spiritual component obviously isn't), I'm going to have to tweak some things from therapy such as using Gregorian chant when I need to clear my mind when I'm mentally overwhelmed.

I'm sharing this for two reasons. First, because I know this is a problem that many people have. How many of us wish we could just turn the other cheek when someone verbally bashes us? You know, after the initial anger dies down. I miss having that ability. I know I'm capable of it... I just lost that part of myself somewhere down the line. The second reason is because I'm wondering how many people saw what they needed to work on in their lives during Lent but, for whatever reason, thought to themselves "oh, this isn't a problem..."

It's very hard to accept that there's some things that we need to work on, especially when they're bad habits or a negative aspect of ourselves that we've tried to deny. Do you think I liked admitting that I've had a temper problem in recent years? No, I did not. I tried to justify or excuse my actions but I just can't anymore. "I'm just defending myself" and "oh, but I cool off after a few minutes" (which is true; I just need to be left alone to cool down for a little while) only goes so far. I think I'd rather turn the other cheek and learn to deal with how to process what was said or done to me without letting it affect my sensitive side as much as it has in the past; dealing with those words and actions in a healthier manner. It's not going to be easy (even when meditating on the cruel things Jesus endured towards the end of his life) because in the heat of the moment I only think about how upset or hurt I am. Still, I know it's something that needs to change. God has already shown me that it's possible, I simply need to work on it.

Anyway, that's it for now. Sorry for the ongoing gaps between posts; I've been busier (with important things) lately and haven't had the concentration (due to the stress) or the time (poor time management at times) to either write or even read the books I have from the library. That crazy, folks! I think I may have something up for St. Joseph's feast day tomorrow since he is my patron saint for the year. We'll see. ;)

I hope y'all have had a wonderful week and that you have a lovely weekend.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

St. Teresa of Avila's Help; Music Monday

I know this post is very belated (St. Teresa of Avila's feast day was a couple of days ago; on the 15th) but I've been stuck in bed for the past week. Actually, the last time I was well enough to sit down in front of the computer to blog (or, really, do anything online) was last Tuesday. But, no worries I am feeling better now. :) A Twitter friend actually called me a "victim soul" who, much like St. Faustina, gets sick often but offers it up for others. I don't think I'm worthy of calling myself a victim soul. While it's true that I do get sick (though I use that term for everything from anxiety/panic attacks to other kinds of pains and ills) quite often and I do offer them up either for someone else's health or for the souls in purgatory, I don't think I've suffered enough to even be considered one. Let's just say "Emmy gets sick a lot, but she doesn't mind." I truly don't view illnesses as a curse or anything negative. On the contrary, I view it as a blessing from God. I've found that I feel closer to Him whenever I feel sick, which helps when I'm feeling like a massive crumb cake. St. Teresa of Avila actually helped me start looking at things this way.

Without repeating too much from a previous post I've written about St. Teresa of Avila... a couple of years ago, when I was returning to my faith, I had a dream about St. Teresa of Avila. I saw her picture in my dream and I kept repeating her name... even as I was waking up. I actually didn't know who she was, let alone her name, so when I got online that morning, I immediately googled her name. The more I learned about her, the more I felt a connection to her. We have several things in common -- everything from our heritage (she was a Spaniard, I'm of Spanish descent) to how we view certain things (such as gossip; my intense dislike for it mirrors hers) -- that sometimes I feel like she personally picked me to really delve into her life and her ways. I actually haven't been able to get through her autobiography yet but I hope to soon. What I have read has stayed with me for more reasons than one. As I said, she's really helped me embrace my illnesses and see them not as suffering, but as something that will bring me closer to God AND that will only strengthen my faith. Lately I haven't really done much in terms of praying or devoting my time to learning more about Catholicism because of my crazy schedule... and it took my illnesses and temper to remind me of how I need to get back to that.

Much like St. Teresa of Avila, I have a strong temper. It takes a lot to get to me that point where I'm terribly feisty, but I definitely have the ability to go there. A couple of days ago it got bad enough that I started limiting contact with those around me so I wouldn't get upset with them over trivial things. I know what triggered that temper flare (and I'm surprised it didn't get worse because the situation was really bad) but as soon as I remembered St. Teresa of Avila, I found ways to bring it down. I reminded myself that while she also had a temper, she knew how to use it in a manner that would turn the situation into something positive. Just the thought of that completely changed my perspective on things and I was able to turn the bad situation into something good (with help from God, of course). I still have to deal with the unpleasant situation but it's getting easier now that I've started using my new "weapons" against a bad temper. :) (P.S. If you ever find yourself with a bad temper and can't find a way to calm down, either ask St. Teresa of Avila or St. Jerome, who also had a notoriously bad temper, to intercede for you.) And what it's also done is remind me of when I first began returning to the Church and how much I loved doing it.

I've also realized that while I have been really busy lately, I've also been wasting my time on a lot of things that don't really matter. Do I need to get on SuperPokePets and play? No. Do I need to waste my time on games on Facebook? No. So I've cut off my twitter and Facebook for the week. Okay, I'm also doing it as a promise for an intercession Our Blessed Mother did for me. I have to reprioritize a lot of things -- especially my schoolwork which has taken the back seat to almost everything. That's fine, though, because I'll be able to focus on getting back to my personal studies of the Catholic faith which I haven't done in a while. See what I mean about having to reprioritize? lol. I have to brush up on a couple of things because we're heading into the Christianity section in my Philosophy of Monotheistic Religions course and I already know I'm going to have a doozy with a couple of "know-it-all" classmates. All I have to say about that is Bring. It. ON! lol.

I should make this post shorter than usual... but before I go, I wanted to share with you my Fall 2009 playlist as part of Music Monday. These are some of my favorite songs that are often on repeat during Fall and into late Winter. :D I hope y'all enjoy at least one of the songs. I know I have "old fashioned" tastes sometimes. :-P

Alright, well, I actually have to go study for a possible exam on Judaism on Wednesday (I don't know; I've missed two class sessions/lectures due to illness and I have no way of contacting either classmates or the professor). I'd rather be safe than sorry. :D I hope to post tomorrow but no promises. ;)Hope y'all had a great weekend!

As always, thank you for reading and God Bless.