Big Decisions? More Prayer.

Hello everyone!

Sorry for the lack of updates but with the start of classes and a week-long virus (I spent almost all of last week in bed), I really didn't do much. Thankfully, I was able to complete all the work for the first week on the first day of classes last Monday so I wasn't stressed out and was able to sleep and rest as much as I needed. I'm still recovering from too much sleep (yes, there's such a thing) but am back to business.

My prayer life is almost where it was prior to the confusion and the spiritual dryness I had a couple of weeks ago. Concentration was shot because of the virus and now because I have too many thoughts racing around in my head (more on this in a bit) but I'm still soldiering on. I've missed Mass the last two weekends because I spent all day in bed, too sick to stand let alone drive (and I'm the only one who drives in this house), so I have a legitimate excuses for not attending. I still missed it though. I look forward to going to confession and Mass this week... during the week. Have I mentioned that I've missed going to Mass? 'Cause I have. A lot. I can haz Eucharist soon?

I've been a little preoccupied with school lately. Not so much the coursework (which is, basically, a repetition of what I did two years ago since all four classes are the same classes I had to withdraw from in Fall 2014). My current dilemma is figuring out whether grad school is an option that I need to pursue next month. Long story short, there's encouragement to continue straight onto grad school and become a fully licensed SLP after I complete this degree. It would mean 2-3 more years of intense coursework but it would also mean a lot more flexibility and options in the long run. However, grad school admittance rates are extraordinarily low for those who apply to the programs the first time so I don't know what to do. I literally cannot afford to apply to grad school and take the GRE AND do my SLPA license hours in case I don't get accepted to a grad program. Even if I decide to do my SLPA hours and forego grad school, I have to wait a year to do them since the waitlists at the two local accredited universities that offer them are currently at capacity for the next two semesters. I have a lot to think and pray about in the next couple of weeks; October is when grad school applications for Fall 2017 open and I need to figure out if I'm going to take that risk of applying and potentially not getting accepted.

At this point, I'm not going to stress over any big decisions even though it's my "default setting" to get problems worked out ASAP. I'm going to have to have a lot of patience, a lot of trust, and park myself in front of the Blessed Sacrament as often as I can in the next couple of weeks because I've resigned myself to doing what I think I should be doing. As we've seen in recent years, I don't rely enough on prayer and on God to help make these big decisions and I'm tired of wasting time and money and not getting anywhere. I think I've done the minimum when it comes to praying about big decisions and I want to change that. My way of doing things has not worked so I'm taking a new approach to things -- more prayer and a lot less over-analyzing things. I know I live too much in my mind and I confuse myself in the process. I also don't want to be impulsive. I need prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I'll get there... I just have to work on patience along the way.

Anyway, that's really all that's been going on with me. Like I said, because I was sick all of last week (and I do mean the entire week) I mostly slept and tried to rest which is very hard for me to do at times because I don't like "wasting time" when I can be doing something. Who knows, maybe I needed to get sick as a reminder of what happens when I don't take time to take care of myself. It truly was a good reminder that I shouldn't just focus on coursework because without my health, I can't do anything.

I'm feeling a little lightheaded and blah today because I couldn't sleep well last night (depression symptoms are slowly waning) but I'm going to try at get some work done for my classes, even if it just means printing out the materials I need to study for my first exams in a couple of weeks. Gotta do something. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. If I can pray about anything for y'all, please let me know. ;)

As always, thanks for reading (and praying for me)!

God bless,

 

Nevermind, I am Leaving...

Please disregard the whole "I'm not leaving" post from hours earlier. I've officially withdrawn. Long story short: my financial aid was entirely revoked because of the 3.0 minimum. Without financial aid, I can't pay for my classes. "Wait, didn't you say the 2.7...?" Yep. That's what I thought as well. Financial aid is apparently a different beast. It didn't matter that I received a 2.85 in the Fall because of my car accident and having missed half the quarter. It didn't matter than I received a 3.0 this quarter.

I could technically appeal it but I'm not going to. An alumnus helped me there (seriously). I've made the choice to withdraw and go elsewhere. I didn't get kicked out; I've voluntarily chosen to leave instead of getting a private loan. It wasn't worth it to me. I'm already technically a student elsewhere (I never declined admission last year... oops); it's just a matter of whether I want to attend this other school or go elsewhere and do something else.

Maybe this is why I got sick the day of orientation and only felt better until I physically left. Maybe this is why health obstacles were put in my way. Maybe it's all just a bunch of coincidences. Who knows. All I know is that I'm no longer a JP Catholic student.

I wish them the best of luck. The program is great and the professors are very knowledgeable and I thank them for the past two quarters.

Onto bigger and better things. Verso l'alto!

Alright, I have a fever (I've had it since that headache I mentioned in the last post) and my body is starting to ache so I'm going to rest. Yes, having to leave school AND getting sick on the same day. What a lucky gal I am. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Almost Left Grad School

The past couple of days have been a bit of a crazy whirlwind of confusion, stress, and disappointment for me. Why?, you may be wondering (if you didn't see the Instagram post or get a long email from me). Simple: I almost left JP Catholic's graduate program and I had to come up with my final decision and options in two days (by today). 

Basically, it all boiled down to not having the GPA (or so I thought) to continue in the program. I believe I received an 86% final grade for my course (did well on everything except the essay portion of the final exam which hurt the final grade). Between this B and the 2.85 GPA from the disastrous Fall quarter, I have a 2.92 GPA. The GPA minimum was a 3.0. My brain automatically went "Mayday! Mayday!" 

As soon as I figure out my culminative GPA, I went into planning mode because I sure wasn't going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. While I waited for confirmation about having to leave the program, I looked into different things. I looked at the nearby school that has a Speech-Language Pathology program, having the option to finish the state requirements to start working as an SLPA (Speech-Language Pathology Assistant). I do have classes (in which I did well) under my belt from my time at Utah State. I also remembered that I had options to do my Theology degree elsewhere but, honestly, I wasn't super thrilled about any of the other programs (that I could do online). 

I kept trying to remind myself that I was sure that Theology was the path God wanted me to take but doubt momentarily crept into my mind. "What if I discerned my career path wrong? What if this was just so that I could get the Theology bug out of my system? What if this was just so I could grow spiritually?" I looked at jobs I can do in the Archdiocese with my BA degree and my work experience. A few came up but nothing that I was sure was a right fit for me. I looked at jobs out of state. Some were exactly what I wanted to do but then I remembered that my savings have been depleted and I have responsibilities in L.A. so no go.

I finally got word that the minimum GPA to stay in the program was lowered to a 2.7 as of this Spring so I could stay. My scholarship would be decreased by 20% but that wasn't a big deal for me. Though I could stay, I then wondered if I wanted to stay. While my professor is brilliant and I enjoy his classes, I've traditionally done poorly on the essay portion of his final exams. Sure, I do well on everything else but I tank on the essays in the final exams. "What if I can't get a good enough grade to keep the 2.7 minimum? What if I can't 'get' what the professor wants in the final exam?" Oh, "What Ifs...", my old anxiety-inducing friend. Nope, I wasn't going to go down that rabbit hole.

I reached out to those whom I trust and told them what happened. I needed prayer. I needed to figure out what to do. Some encouraged me to return to the SLP field. Others just listened and said they'd pray for me. One friend told me to get in touch with my professor and talk to him about what he's looking for on the final exam. Another encouraged me to stick it out for one more quarter before leaving (if I still wanted to leave). I still haven't heard back from my professor but I hope he does get back to me before the next quarter (which begins on Monday) is in its second week.

What it came down to was choosing what I feel God is calling me to do. I was honest with myself -- if I did SLP, I would mostly be doing it for the financial stability more than anything. Yes, it would help people out and I loved working with the kids when I did on-site/field hours but passion and my heart are in the Theology field. That much was pointed out by at least two people; it's clear that I'm in my element when it comes to Theology. All the "what ifs" started getting answered. "What if... I couldn't find a decent job in L.A. once I graduate?" I'll move. "What if... I bomb out and then owe the government even more money for the three quarters I spent at JP Catholic?" I'll find a job and pay it back somehow. "What if... the money isn't enough since the field is so hard to get into and doesn't pay that well?" God will provide somehow.

I feel a peace about the path I'm on but I did have some doubts while things were in limbo. I need to remember to trust God, even when things are momentarily topsy turvy. I still feel like this is what I'm meant to be doing so I'm going to continue. If my GPA isn't that stellar and I have to leave, well, I'll deal with that if it happens. I've already taken proactive steps into improving as a student (reaching out to my professor; being on top of my work) and improving my health (doctor prescribed iron pills, folic acid, and vitamin C to help with my anemia and dismal folate level). All I can do now is pray and work hard and see what happens in the future.

Anyway, just sharing this part of my journey. It's not always glamorous or fun but stuff like this happens. 

I'm currently experiencing a pretty blah headache (possibly a migraine) so I'm going to rest for a little while before I have to go pick up Mom from work.

I hope everyone has been doing well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Freedom!!... Sort Of.

Hello everyone! No, I didn't forget about y'all. Yes, there were a couple of times when I wanted to write but couldn't. Why? Final project (a 3-week Bible study on the Davidic kingdom covenant), lots of reading, a couple of weekly exams, and then the final exam, which I literally finished 8-9 minutes before it was due last night. Basically, if I could study instead of doing something else, I chose to study. That means I had to decline on a couple of outings, I didn't do much reading for fun, and I was basically glued to the kitchen chair (I study best at the kitchen table). Now I understand why people would tell me that I would no longer have a life once I started grad school. Still, I am done for the next two weeks... sort of.

While I do have a two week break between the end of the Spring quarter (yesterday) and the beginning of the Summer quarter (June 27th), I have a lot of reading to do to prepare for the class. I think it's almost 100 pages or so before then? I already purchased all the books I'll need and I'm going to tackle the readings... next week. I just want to have this week to catch up on sleep and maybe watch some of my favorite Hallmark movies on Feeln. Did I mention I was warned that grad school would mean I'd kiss my free time goodbye? lol.

Even though I don't have much of a break between quarters (the longest is about 3 or 4 weeks in the winter), I've found the program to be very rewarding. My spiritual life has grown in ways I never anticipated. Yes, the program is intense and rigorous; it's not for the faint of heart. They want us to know these things like the back of our hands, which means a lot of reading, a lot of memorizing, and a lot of hard work. I have to get started on paper/projects weeks before they are due. I have to stay on top of the assigned readings, the lecture videos, and the quizzes every week or else I'm doomed. The comprehensible exams at the end are still slightly panic inducing.

Last night, before I took my final exam, I had this moment where I had a mini breakdown in confidence. "What am I doing in this program? I can't do this! Stupid anemia makes it hard for me to remember anything. How am I going to remember anything from weeks ago when I could barely remember when I took those quizzes that same week (or the week after)?!" I quickly looked up the website of the local school that offers an 18-month program to get me back into the SLP field; I was that discouraged. Then I remembered that this was most likely some sort of spiritual attack. I'd been fine before it. In fact, I had never been so sure that this was the path God wants me to take... up until the final exam. Not even the 10 total hours of revision and exam-taking helped.

I had a conversation with God half an hour before I took the exam. I broke down in tears as I said, "I can't do this, God. I can't remember these things. I tried. I tried my hardest and I can't remember most of what I studied. This anemia is just kicking me down. I slept almost 10 hours today and yesterday. I'm exhausted. I can't concentrate. I can't remember. I need Your help. I'm weak but You aren't. You're going to have to do this for me because I just... I can't. I can't do this by myself. If this is the path You want me to take, You're going to have to help me out. If I don't pass this exam... I'll look at something else. Please help me."

I prayed the prayer to St. Joseph of Cupertino. I asked the Holy Spirit and the Sacred Head of Jesus to enlighten my mind. I also bugged the Immaculate Heart of Mary, St. Thomas Aquinas, Pope St. John Paul II (my school's patron saint), Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Catherine of Siena, and any saints that could intercede for me. I did better than expected on the multiple choice portion of the exam. I have no idea on how I did on the essay portion of the exam -- the hardest part of the exam. I tried. I did my best. Now to wait and see what my final grade will be. After the disaster that was the Fall quarter, I'm admittedly a little nervous because a low grade will disqualify me from the program.

As someone who has struggled with academic pride in the past, last night was a wonderful lesson in humility and a reminder that I can't do things without the help of God. I'm not Superwoman. I'm weak. I need God to help me often. I still have a long way to go in the humility department; something I think many of us will struggle with in one form or another for most of our lives since pride is such an easy sin to fall into. Thankfully, God reminded me that He's there for me when I feel beaten down. I can do all things through Him... and He'll be there when I feel like I can't go further.

Okay, I'm going to keep rambling on so I'm going to stop here. lol.

I hope to write daily (or almost daily) during my break. We'll see how many topics my little fried brain can come up with. lol.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to finish a book I checked out nearly 3 weeks ago and is due at the library in about 2-3 days.  I'm about 54% done with it. Hashtag: challenge accepted. ;)

I hope y'all have been well and are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Escape from Homeworkland and Other Updates

Can you hear the angels singing? They are singing because I've finally caught up with all the reading assigned for my Historical Books of the Old Testament course! YES! Everyone conga! I'd fallen behind two weeks due to a combination of lack of textbook and lack of concentration (amongst other things) but I've done it! To celebrate I'm going to blog. lol.

Now, this doesn't mean I'm caught up with doing my exams -- I have three to do -- but at least everything with a due date is done and I'm going to try to get at least 2 of those exams done by tonight so I can focus on my final project. I've been putting off taking the exams due to lack of concentration but hope a nap later today will help with that. The final project isn't due for another 3-4 weeks but I want to take my time doing it (because I'm so into the material) so I want to start a bit early. :D

All of this is a bit miraculous, especially if you know my track record with school over the last couple of years. I'm very much prone to procrastination. It's a major problem. Sometimes I allow little things to derail me. I use them as excuses. Now, I've had legitimate excuses lately.

On Tuesday I found out I'm slightly anemic once again. Though I've reached my weight goal (after struggling with being underweight for about 3 years; another fist pump in the air!) and my platelets and everything else is within normal range, my white and red blood count and ferritin levels are still a bit on the low side. Folate level? Abismal! That explains why I've been so fatigued lately. I've been napping more often than usual and I can't concentrate as easily due to the mental fatigue that accompanies the physical fatigue. Still, I've been able to get lectures and reading done (though I'm a week behind on lecture videos) as well as two exams (both of which I did well on) and discussion posts.

I think it's thanks to the intercession of the Holy Spirit, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, and St. Catherine of Siena that I've been able to accomplish as much as I have. First I asked Bl. Pier Giorgio and the Holy Spirit to intercede -- Bl. Pier Giorgio because he died a few exams short of receiving his degree and because studying didn't always come easy to him. The Holy Spirit because, well, it's obvious. ;) I asked Bl. Pier Giorgio to intercede because of my lack of concentration. I was doing well but still struggled once in awhile. Then the novena of St. Catherine of Siena started and I asked her to intercede when it came to the temptation to procrastinate (since she's a patroness against temptations). Fast forward a couple of weeks and I actually have the opportunity to be 2 weeks ahead in my textbook reading instead of 2 weeks behind. Thank you, Holy Spirit, Bl. Pier Giorgio, and St. Catherine of Siena!

It doesn't hurt that the textbooks and course material has been right up my alley. We've been learning -- as I mentioned at the beginning of the blog post -- about the historical books in the Old Testament. That is to say, we've been reading Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 1 Kings, and 2 Kings thus far. Next week we tackle 1 Chronicles and so forth. Is it possible to be in love with the material? Because I am. If there was any doubt that this was the path that God wanted me to take, it's gone.

Likewise, if there was any doubt that I have strong Dominican tendencies (which my spiritual director himself said I had a couple of years ago), it's gone. lol. After all my indecision between choosing either the Dominican and Carmelite orders, I can now see that I'm better suited for the Dominican lifestyle. However, my SD advised me to wait until I finished graduate school to start the process to become a lay Dominican. And, before anyone asks, yes, I'm sure I don't have a religious vocation. God has made that abundantly clear in my life, especially lately. Also, yes, I know that it's been through the intercession of two Dominican saints that I've been able to accomplish what I have in my course this quarter. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to give y'all a little update on what's been going on with me since I've been pretty silent on this blog and on social media, though I've been a bit more active on Twitter lately.

Before I end this blog post can I just say how grateful I am with how things have worked out in my life lately? It's been a roller coaster ride with its ups and downs but everything has shown me that God is doing some incredible things in my life. He has shown me that He's heard my prayers for Him to help guide me down the path He wants me to take. As I reflected on Twitter a couple of nights ago, I'm grateful for the ability to take naps as needed. If I had a husband and children to take care, this anemia-induced fatigue would've made grad school difficult for me. That's not to say that I would prefer a Master's degree to a family -- I quite frankly don't; I honestly would've preferred to have gotten married and had children at a younger age instead -- but if it's God's will for me that I do this before I start a family then I'm grateful for the ability to do so. It's all about His plans and His timing. I'll expound more on this next time because I certainly have had a major breakthrough in this area.

For now, I'm going to say: I hope y'all are doing well! I think I'll get a chance to blog more often in the coming weeks but don't be surprised if I miss a couple of days whenever things are due. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Childlike Wonder in Grad School

Today is my first day back to grad school (hoorah!) but my class doesn't technically begin until tomorrow so I have time for a quick blog post. ;)

Did y'all have book mobiles growing up? I did. I loved the day the book mobile came to my (public) elementary school. While we had a school library, there was something special about the book mobile. I used to get a thrill out of waiting in line and then trying to come up with at least one book to check-out in the 5-10 minute time limit we got. It was an exciting challenge that led to an even more exciting adventure.

How about catalog cards? Does anyone remember those? I loved having to go to the physical library catalog, look up the author by surname on those little cards, then look for the number where the book was located, and finally try to find the book. It was another fun adventure; a scavenger hunt for great treasure.

This quarter I'm taking a class called Historical Books of the Old Testament. It's about, you guessed it, historical books in the Old Testament. From Joshua to Maccabees, I'm going to be studying them for the next 10 weeks. Of course, there is no obvious connection between the two examples I gave and the course. I mean, besides being about books. However, there is one for me: having this course after a 3.5 month break and having the fruitful Lenten season I had has reminded me of little elementary school Emmy and how I miss a side of myself that I haven't seen in nearly two decades.

What was I like as a child? I loved the faith. I wanted to be a nun when I grew up and I would say that to people. I loved attending Mass; I was mesmerized by it, especially the Consecration. Remember, this is me at like 6-8 years old and I was poorly catechized so I didn't know the real significance of what was happening. I just remember not wanting to miss a single thing the priest did during that part of the Mass. I also loved school. I mean, I loved school. I would cry if my parents made me miss a class (and I only did when I was too sick to attend; yes, I would try to go to school even when I was sick). I loved reading, history, science... I just loved academia.

Sadly, I lost a big part of that love (for both the church and school) when I got older. My parents were Catholics by name only and after my First Communion was done, we basically stopped attending Mass. I was teased for being a "geek" at school. I can pinpoint it to junior high -- 7th grade in particular -- when I started to slack off in my studies. It created horrible habits, including one that I still struggle with: procrastination. A few days ago I remembered how much I loved studying but how I tend to procrastinate because I find other things to do. Okay, fine, I get lost in the world of social media and movies, etc. Procrastination + distractions = rushing to get my coursework done. Yes, I can pull a Rory Gilmore and study like a madwoman but it's usually last minute. Read: stress levels through the roof most of the time.

Since I have done some great progress in my recovery (no longer underweight, eating, and sleeping better), I decided to do channel little Emmy and get back into that academic groove I used to be known for. It doesn't hurt that I'm combining two things I loved as a child: the faith and academia. Hooray for Biblical Theology graduate studies! lol. I know it won't be easy or even the same since I'm now older and (obviously) using different tools (i.e. internet, computers) that I didn't have back then but I think this will help me this quarter.

I've been doing the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena (his birthday is coming up on Wednesday) and I've been asking him to intercede for me in regards to distractions (which result in procrastination) and lack of concentration. My concentration is shot even when I'm doing something simple; that bad. I think I have the tools necessary to curve the social media distractions (hello, Lenten practice!) and I think I've figured out times when I'd be able to get the most out of my studies (read: quiet times in an apartment building) but I still need that extra help so Bl. Pier Giorgio is getting bugged now and the Holy Spirit will get bugged afterward. lol.

I wonder if my plan to have a childlike wonder in grad school will help. When I was younger, I'd ask questions about something I didn't understand or wanted to know more about because I was curious. I stopped because of the teasing and because I didn't want people to think I was dumb. Nowadays, I don't really care too much about looking dumb so I ask. I'm going to try it again. I hope that between this state of mind, the toolbox for studying I've created (classical music and/or Gregorian chants, Pomodoro technique app, specific schedule, etc), and reminding myself of what my goal is (graduating in two years with knowledge to help others learn more about the Church) I will do well. Maybe I'll even treat myself to trips to the library every now and then to check-out physical books as rewards for a good exam or a good week. Yes, I'm enough of a "geek" to really see that as a gift to myself. ;)

Anyway, I don't know why I wanted to share this... I just did. ;) Maybe it's the excitement of starting classes again. Perhaps it's a way to remind myself and keep myself accountable. Both? We shall see. :D

Alright, I'm trying to get to bed as early as 10 p.m. (seriously) so I can get enough sleep and then get up early to study for the first class begins. Technically we online students aren't getting the lecture video until Wednesday, I believe, but I want to get as much done (read: get ahead a little if I'm able to) as I can. I want to savor everything and since it is just one course this quarter, I think I may have the luxury to do just that. I don't want to be rushing through the reading last minute like I have been doing for years. Yes, years. Don't try this (procrastinating) at home... not even you professionals. ;)

I hope those of you who are also starting their quarters have a great quarter. For those of you about to do your finals, good luck! I'll be praying for all you students. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Lenten Lesson: Balance and Moderation

Remember how frazzled I was the day before Lent began because I had poor time management and was "too busy" with life? Yes, I'm going to talk some more about being busy. No, this isn't another "being busy is bad" post. I do, however, still think that we've made an idol out of being busy and that sometimes we just don't know when to let some things go and take care of ourselves.

This is the first in my planned series of my Lenten lessons blog posts. I'm not sure how many I'll do (at least four total; this post and three others that I have in my drafts) but this is one of the biggest lessons I learned this Lent: balance and moderation.

Where to start? Hmm... Oh! Anyone remember how I had every intention to only read Catholic books this Lent? Yep, it didn't happen. I had (and still have) too many books on my LAPL holds list; being "in line" to borrow a book for weeks or even months at a time. Because I didn't want to wait for them again, I decided to read them. I'm glad I ended up letting go of this particular Lenten intention because, thanks to a couple of those non-Catholic books, I realized that a balance was needed between being busy for the sake of being busy and being beings with a (good) purpose. Not only that, I finally figured out the balance that works out best for me between being too plugged in and not being plugged in at all.

When I started my recovery break (from school) in mid-December of last year, I wanted to do nothing after being ridiculously busy for (what seems like) ages. I wanted a vacation from having long to-do lists. I know I tend to take on too much and spread myself too thin. This leads to me getting completely burnt out after a while. It's a horrible, vicious cycle I've had for at least 10 years now. Seriously, I can pinpoint it to 2006, which (interestingly enough) was also the year I reverted to the faith. For years, I've wanted to do it all... and in as little time as possible so I could move onto the next thing on an impossible "goals" list. Then the accident happen and my health declined even more than it had in the past. Looking back, I'm grateful that I was basically forced to slow because I was close to burning myself out again. However this "want to do nothing" ideal didn't exactly work as I planned. I became busy with a redundant cycle that was a waste of time thanks to having too much free time. Oops.

How did my average day look like?
- Turn off iPod touch alarm.
- Check email.
- Check Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and check email again.
- Get up and make breakfast.
- Check social media again.
- Pray.
- Check social media again. Lose myself for hours on this.
- Lunch with mom; distracted by checking social media at the table.
- Netflix and more social media.
- Evening/nighttime prayers.
- More Netflix and social media.
- Sleep.

Repeat. Every. Single. Day. Sundays would include Mass and the odd day would include grocery shopping or errands but that was what my day usually looked like. Completely unproductive but still busy because (as y'all know) you get sucked down a rabbit hole and it's hard to get out of it. One YouTube video leads to another. One link leads to 10 more. A conversation turns into something more. Basically, I was still busy but instead of being busy with something like schoolwork or something productive, I was "busy" with stuff that was fleeting and, really, a waste of time. I've already written about unplugging here and here so I won't repeat myself.

"Well, what am I going to do now?" I asked myself. "I think this is how I've always been." And, yes, looking back at my life, I've always done something. I'm rarely ever inactive, even if that busyness is all mental. In fact, in the 6th grade I was given the "Busy Bee" award from my teachers. The certificate said "Always reading, always doing something." It took some soul searching (and a couple of solid books that got me thinking about making changes) but in the end I've come to understand that not all "busyness" is bad. In fact, I found myself more busy after I unplugged but it became busyness with a purpose.

I agree with this Verily article in which the author talks about how being busy with things that fulfill your life doesn't stress you out. Though I'm busier now than when I was in the endless virtual cycle of nothingness, I find myself a lot more calm and happier. My prayers have not only increased but the quality of them has gotten better. Sure, I still space out and my mind wanders but I'm still at a better place than before. I also found myself being less selfish and being more charitable with my time, actions, and words. What I busied myself with was done for a greater good, not just because I was bored and did whatever appealed to me to entertain myself.

I'm glad that I was also "forced" to slow down with my grad school load as well. As I had previously mentioned, a few weeks ago it was decided that bring my course load to half-time instead of full time was necessary. Instead of graduating next year, I'll be graduating in 2018. The rush I felt about finishing and starting work isn't there any longer but a) I know that that will be the speed that will work best for me so I don't feel overwhelmed and b) because I realize (and, finally, know it in my heart as well) that letting go of my own timeline and letting God slowly reveal His plans for me in His own time has been working well for during this season. With Spring quarter about to begin on April 4th, I'm feeling excited but not stressed out like I had been before.

As for being plugged in, I didn't want to go from one extreme (being too plugged in) to the other (not being plugged in at all). I think that's why I'm still doing what I wrote about a couple of posts ago; it gives me a nice balance. I can make time for friends who find it easier to communicate online while still having my time away from the all the craziness and drama (llama dama-da-ding-ding-ding-dong...) Towards the end of Lent I've gone one more -- I log out completely from FB because I don't want to see the notifications first thing in the morning when I wake up and turn off the alarm (since I currently use my iPod touch for it; I'll get a physical alarm clock when I have a little wiggle room for a good one). My relationship with my mother has gotten better and I find myself in a healthier place (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) being unplugged. We'll see how the balance continues after I start the Spring quarter since my entire degree will be online. Still, I have faith in myself (or, at the very least, faith that God will help me during moments of weakness) and am optimistic that it'll all work out.

Oh! One more thing: if you didn't know (and I don't think I mentioned it on the blog): I've gained like 7 lbs since the start of Lent. Seriously! I think I may be out of the underweight category (I won't know until I get weighed again and I'm guessing that may not happen until the following week) but, well, I was eating too much. Like, TOO much. 'Sup, gluttony? Yeah, I didn't think I would ever have an issue overeating (though I've been known to eat pretty well despite being naturally athletic/thin; super fast metabolism, I guess) but it happened during Lent and it was corrected during Lent thanks to some priestly advice. Balance. Moderation. Repeat.

So, there you have it. Some of the things I had to find a balance for during the Lenten season. There's more but it'll come in future blog posts. ;)

Anyway, I really don't want to be online too much today (I feel so great when I can ignore laptop AND cell phone) so that's it for today. I probably won't post again until after Easter Sunday so I hope y'all have a fruitful Easter Triduum.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Learning Limits: Grad School Edition

Did you ever go through a wonderfully humbling experience that helped your relationship with God followed by a couple of stormy days in which everything seemed to go to heck? If so, welcome to my past week. After the wonderful spiritual highs that came with the start of Lent, I hit a rough couple of days that I actually feel grateful for having. I'm one of those "weird" optimistic people who tries to look for the silver lining in every situation so, of course, it's story time. ;)

Last week I found out that I had to switch from a full-time schedule to a half-time timetable at JP Catholic. It isn't because I can't handle the usual load of classes; it was because there would be one quarter that not even this "academic superwoman" could've handled. Long story short: because I have to re-take one course (in which I received a C) and do the courses of this past Winter quarter that I took off, I fell a bit behind schedule. If I had stayed on the same track, I would've had to do 5 courses in a 10-week span next Winter. That would've been nearly impossible for me to do, especially with how intense just 2-3 courses can be. I prayed about it (and asked friends on FB to pray for me), talked to my mom, and talked to a couple of lovely folks of JP Catholic and I decided that it was best for me to do half-time instead. Since JP Catholic is a small school and courses are available at specific times of year, it made sense to do an extra year and no go overboard loading myself with all the missed classes in a single quarter.

It's hard for me to "accept defeat" in the academic field but this doesn't really feel like a defeat. I know that while I'm fully capable of handling 3 courses at a time but 5 is too many. That's just the reality of it. My academic pride has a tendency to make me take on too much. Pride has already done too much damage. Staying on last quarter when I had more than enough to deal with post-accident? Yep, learned my limits then. That's why I took this to prayer. Pride and fear (of a financial nature) were at work and I didn't want to make any decisions based on either of those two emotions.

I've done so much progress in these past 2 months that I've taken off. I've been able to learn how to take better care of myself... which means learning that I often jump into doing too much too quickly and messing up any progress I've made. I don't want to do that this time around. This degree and these courses are way too valuable to rush through. I'm not taking these courses for my own personal enrichment; I'm taking them for my career / vocation. If this is the path God wants me to take (and it certainly seems that way), I'm going to do things properly. 

Surprisingly, everything worked itself out within 3 hours. I feel at peace about the decisions made. It's going to take me an extra academic school year to finish but maybe there's a reason for it. Yes, I'm one of those "everything happens for a reason" people. (quick side note: I won't apologize for it.) Maybe God has something else in store for me between now and graduation (tentatively scheduled for September 2018). Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that I need to take things slow; He knows that I tend to take on too many things at one time because that idol of busyness is hard (but not impossible) to uproot. Maybe there are other lessons I need to learn before I'm ready to teach or do whatever He has planned for me after graduation -- lessons that will take time. Either way, I'm ready for whatever He has in store for me.

All of this that I went through was during my spiritual high. I felt closer to Him during this time... and then came a couple of days of grumpiness, apathy, and spiritual dryness followed. I was able to keep in mind that it was the Lenten season and we're bound to experience some spiritual dryness (at varying degrees) during it instead of dwelling on things. I'm giving credit to Holy Spirit and the angels (shout out to the Chaplet of St. Michael) for helping me out because I was in a bad place. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I felt slightly betrayed by some people. I got annoyed whenever Mom told me that things happened for a reason and that I had to trust Him. Of course, I agreed with her and I knew she was right but them feelings were still there and they were strong. I seem to have gotten out of that funk but I'm still going to remain vigilant. 

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to try to finish the other blog post and schedule it for tomorrow since I know Friday will be my day off of social media and I have a feeling my Saturday and Sunday may be busy. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Grad School Decisions

No, your eyes do not deceive you... this is my third consecutive blog post and the 100th blog post for the year. Whoo! The last time I hit over 100 blog posts in a single year was 2013 and I'm two posts away from surpassing that number. We shall see if it can be done. ;)

First, I'm very happy to report that I was able to sleep decent hours last night after weeks of falling asleep at various times. I did take a 3 hour nap yesterday evening but it didn't affect my sleeping schedule at night. I got an additional 7 hours of sleep from 11:30 p.m. until 7:50 a.m. (with an hour and half up starting at about 3:30 a.m.). I'm used to getting up that early to drive mom to work and the habit hasn't gone away despite not having my car back yet. Still, this is normal hours for me and I'm stoked. I hope I can continue them over the next couple of days. :)

Second, I wanted to share with y'all my grad school decision since many of you have been helping by praying for clarity. After talking to some wonderful friends and doing the Christmas novena, I've decided to take the next quarter (winter) off and return in the spring. I was actually leaning towards not returning at all. My mind was almost entirely made up to abandon ship and start working. I just did not want to continue. It was going to be too much money for the degree. I had a really terrible 2 months. I loved my courses but my health had been affected.

On Christmas eve I had this profound moment of clarity, peace, and confidence regarding both my health and school situation (which were the two intentions of my Christmas novena). I had this moment in which the words "Do you trust Me? Keep going" popped up into my mind when I was chatting about my situation with a lovely friend, and I felt at peace.

I now understand what I can do differently in grad school in order to help prevent my health getting affected once again. I have a new gameplan that my doctor helped me create in order to get my health back into shape. I think I finally have my priorities in check (all credit goes to the Holy Spirit because I just couldn't see beyond what was in front of me for a long time) so, barring another series of unfortunate events, I should do well without compromising my health.

To my wingman (who was the first to suggest I take a quarter off before returning; he knows me a little too well, lol), my best gal friends, and other lovely friends helped me sort through this jumbled mess of thoughts over the last couple of days, either by listening to or praying for me, I wanted to say a massive "thank you!" I know I must've driven you guys crazy but you all played a huge part in helping me reach my decision; the moment of clarity was just an added bonus that gave me confidence that I was doing the right thing even when the right thing still makes me doubt at times. Maybe that's why St. Joseph is currently in the lead of the 2016 patron saint poll, eh? lol.

Anyway, I should go and get my surprise for mom ready since she gets home in a little over 2 hours and it's going to take me almost that long to get everything done. :D

I hope y'all are enjoying the second day of Christmas. Ain't no party like a Catholic party because a Catholic party goes on for several days on earth and doesn't stop in Heaven. Am I right? ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Fears, Tears, and Discerning His Will

How you ever found yourself desperately wanting to do God's will but have absolutely no clue as to how to do that? If so, welcome your newest club member. Hello, my name is Emmy... and I have no idea what I'm going to do in 2016.

I find myself wanting to use the cliché "fork in the road" metaphor. I feel a peace about pursuing my plans of working with Catholic youth but I'm questioning whether I need a Master's degree for that. Those who I've talked to have opened up my eyes to a reality my idealism wasn't expecting. I've already talked a bit about that in the previous blog post. Deep down I know I don't want to teach, at least not in the traditional sense. Even though I'm an academic geek and I will never tire of learning, I'm also questioning whether I'm done with my own academic career.

For the record, I seem to have passed both of my grad school courses well enough to continue at JP Catholic. I thought I would be relieved when I found out that I would be able to continue -- elated, even -- but I wasn't. That caught me off guard. I found out when I came from the hospital yesterday (side note and long story short: I had an odd, almost allergic reaction to wheat bread I ate yesterday but we didn't know that the bread was cause until later that night when I had a snack and had a similar reaction. I'm going to cut wheat out of my diet until I see my doctor on Thursday.) Anyway, when I got home, I saw the grades and was briefly happy that I had passed... but I was also kind of disappointed that I no longer had an excuse to not continue. It doesn't make sense. I loved my classes and the professors were a dream come true for this Pope Benedict XVI fangirl and former CINO college grad. I loved every second of my courses, finding joy even in the most stressful times. However, as much as I loved them, I'm finding myself unsure of whether I want to return or not. No, that's not entirely true. I find myself not wanting to return but I don't know why.

Does anyone remember a blog post I wrote a couple of weeks ago about having peaceful doubts? Like I mentioned in the post, there was a "big risk" option that I didn't need the MA for but that would be prepare me for it. Lately, I've felt pulled more and more in that direction. One of the last things my former SD said to me in our last meeting has kept popping up in my head over the past couple of days. He said "you know what you want to do and you have the tools to do it. All you have to do is put it into action." This came after a conversation about how I need to conquer my problem with fear, which is easily the biggest thing that keeps me from moving forward.

As I wrote that last paragraph, I started getting a lump in my throat and an overwhelming desire to cry. Am I going to "live blog" this? Okay... I'm going to do this... right now I feel both relief and an intense fear at the same time. I also feel like I'm getting this "bingo, this is what you need to do" moment. And here are the tears. Okay, I will not break down while writing this... no, Emmy... no...

Did I just figure things out while writing this blog post? I don't know. I just know that I'm confused. I so desperately want to do God's will but I don't know if this is what I must do and it's fear that's stopping me or if I'm just overwhelmed with everything that's happened in the past couple of months and that's why I'm feeling this way. However, I will say that the seeds of what I'm going through now were planted long ago. Way before I graduated from my undergrad program. That big risk -- the one I'm not ready to share details of yet -- has always made the most sense to me, like it's what I'm meant to do, but I've never figured out how to go about it. I still don't, which is where the fear may be coming from. I'm currently feeling both peace and restlessness about this.

Every time the thought "this is what you have to do; don't be afraid of doing it" comes to mind, the lump in my throat gets bigger and there's more moisture in my eyes. I talk about trusting God but would I have the courage to leave comfort behind and trust Him with this? Do I have the courage to follow Him into the unknown, if this is truly what He wants from me? I guess there's only one way to find out.

Please pray for me as I discern what to do next. I don't want to make any big decision based on emotion which isn't easy for me since I feel deeply and I'm a bit sensitive. Y'all know that. I'm going to pray about it (it's been something that I've been taking to prayer daily for a while now) and see where I go from here. Man, I wish I wasn't so terrible at making big decisions. Holy Spirit, it's up to you to help me at this point.

Anyway, I'm just rambling on at this point. Sorry.

I hope everyone is having a great week thus far. I'll be posting my annual patron saint poll tomorrow... and there's a new twist to it this year.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :)

 

Oh, Sweet, Sweet Blogosphere: I Survived!

Can you hear the "hallelujah" chorus being sung? Can you see the sun shining? There's a spring in my step and a song on my lips. Yes, ladies and gentlemen: I've officially survived my first quarter of grad school! Yay!!! I mean, okay... I'm a bit sleep deprived, I'm quite a few pounds lighter (which isn't good because that means I'm underweight again), and I'm still facing dismissal but I survived! lol.

As I wrote last time, I don't think I will be returning for a second quarter because of how poorly my quarter went. Again, it wasn't that I didn't try. I did. I gave it my all and then some. There were just too many obstacles that were thrown my way and I couldn't catch up. I won't repeat everything; it's all in the previous post. I'm not stressed out though. I did well considering everything I went through. I received solid grades on all my essays. I actually did better in Philosophy than in Theology which I was not expecting. Philosophy is my weak spot as far as the world of Theology/Philosophy goes. I loved every second of my classes; it's just unfortunate that I had so much going on at the same time. Predictably, as soon as I was finished with the quarter, things slowed down. So the crazy began the day of orientation (the day before the quarter started) and it slowed down as soon as the last final was completed. You draw your conclusions there...

Actually, all of this has got me thinking about whether or not grad school is for me. Again, LOVED it. I learned so much. Dr. Barber and Dr. Kincaid are great professors. It's not a reflection on the school or the professors. I'm still an academic nerd at heart but I've been thinking (for a couple of weeks now) that maybe this is not the path for me. Yes, I still think that I'm on the right path as far as vocation (small v; aka career/job) goes but maybe I'm just not meant to continue grad school for this particular subject. That is something I'm going to be discerning over the next couple of weeks.

I'm not quitting because it was hard and I went through a lot. If that was the case, I wouldn't have turned in my finals. I would've dropped out when I had a chance to get the W. I could've said "why am I doing this when I'm not going to pass one class and face dismissal?" Actually, the thought did pop into my head this past week. "Why am I finishing my Philosophy paper when I'm obviously not going to pass (reminder: that means B- or better) Theology?" But, no. I finished what I started. What did it for me was the cold, hard facts that my friends who've taken a similar path presented to me.

If you guys haven't noticed by now: I'm an idealist. I dream big. I'm optimistic. That's not bad, per se... it can just cloud my decisions at times. I had this vision that wasn't exactly shattered but was brought down to reality. I won't go into detail but let's just say that, yes, I did have my head in the clouds and had to be talked sense into. In the end, while I'm still optimistic about the future, I feel as if I have a clearer vision of what I feel called to do.

I still feel as if I want to work with teenagers but maybe teaching in a traditional sense is not for me. I still want to write and opportunities have presented themselves in which I can actually do that. Yes, writing is an unpredictable and unstable profession. Hi, I did freelance work for 2 years! Still, I'm finding better opportunities to do that and in a more financially stable manner. As for the work with teenagers, I can do that with my BA. I can do so much with what I already have.

Maybe I needed to go through a hard semester of grad school to realize that I'm ready. Maybe grad school was an unintentional excuse because I was afraid (oh, fear... my arch nemesis) of going after what I feel called to do. I honestly felt as if I needed to do my Theology MA because I wasn't knowledgeable enough in the faith to dive into work. Now I feel as if I'm ready. Maybe I went through a hard 10 weeks so that I could see that I was committed to this path (which I am!) but that perhaps grad school isn't a part of His plans for me. That's okay.

As I said, I'm going to be discerning that between now and the time the next quarter starts (in the off-chance that I get to stay). A lot of time will be spent in prayer and in front of the tabernacle when I'm able. I'm not making any decisions unless I take them to prayer because He knows I know His help when it comes to these big decisions. In the meantime I've started applying to jobs. There is one in particular that would be great for me -- it involves writing, I can do it from home, and it's for an orthodox Catholic company. We shall see what the future holds. :)

Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. I have more but I'm going to wait until my end of year review post to share them. Oh, you can wait another 10 days or so. ;)

Oh! If you're wondering what my plans are while I discern: a lot of rest. I need to kick start my plans to get healthy so a lot of rest (read: stable sleeping schedule), eating well, and relaxing is what Dr. Emmy* orders for herself. I got a month of Netflix so I'm going to enjoy that when I'm not working on my third novel. No, it's not work for me; writing is fun for me! :D

I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Hello from the Land of Failure

"Hello from the Land of Failure." Well, I almost named it "Hello from the Other Side... of a Failed Exam" but didn't. Oh, Emmy... haha. I'm sure I can come up with a parody song to "Down Under" by Men at Work or "Hello" by Adele. I'm a massive goober like that. lol. Yes, I'm genuinely laughing. Yes, there's a good chance that I've lost my mind. And, yes, I did just fail my Theology final exam.

I'm not happy that I've failed a course that I loved nor I have to leave such a wonderful program. Seriously, I wouldn't trade my 10 weeks (that's how long their quarters are) at JP Catholic for anything in the world. Dr. Barber and Dr. Kincaid taught me more about theology and philosophy in 10 weeks than I've learned in nearly 10 years since my reversion. If you're thinking about studying for an MA in Biblical Theology, I highly recommend their program!

I think the reason why I'm not kicking myself or why I'm not lamenting the lost opportunity is because I've reminded myself that everything happens for a reason. I know some of you absolutely loathe that phrase but I'm a firm believer in it. I may not know the reason why things happened the way they did but I believe that God will help me see where I need to go from here.

It's not like I failed because I played played video games instead of studying. Granted, I probably did waste some time (10 minutes or so) working on puzzles every once in a while but I think I spent more time studying these past couple of weeks than I have in years. Do I need to remind you guys of how I spent weeks leading up to the start of the quarter in and out of the hospital, recovering from minor surgeries? How my platelets plummeted and how my anemia returned once I started the quarter? How my stomach felt like it was going to explode from 3 a.m. the morning of orientation until about 3 p.m. after Joe and I had gotten back to L.A. from Escondido? How I had that terrible car accident two weeks into the quarter that put me behind on my coursework for the rest of the quarter? How my spiritual director quit on me (general consensus amongst friends and family is confusion over that whole situation) only two weeks ago? How I've had major problems with our new building manager the past two weeks and how my own personal safety is now at risk? Wait, I don't think I've shared that last one on the blog yet... Not to mention that every single time I tried to study over the past couple of weeks, something would derail me. Those following me on Twitter know exactly what I mean. Not my choice to waste my time, y'all.

All the "bad luck" I've had lately has been like a series of spiritual attacks, haven't they? I've had enough people say it to make me believe that all these events were just a way to derail me from the Biblical Theology MA path. It certainly seems that way, at least. Things that were out of my control popped up all the time, especially over the past two months (time from car accident forward).

I'm not quitting grad school. At least, it won't be my decision to leave JP Catholic. The school has a C- policy -- if you get anything under a C (C- and under) and you're automatically dismissed from the program. I was informed of that prior to final exams because I asked if I could just repeat the one course I won't pass. I knew I wouldn't have the time to catch up with all the work and knew that the probability of my not passing was high. I put in full-time work hours (and then some) per week. I think I put in a couple of 18 hour days whenever a paper was due just so I could meet the deadline. I lost weight (I'm down to 112 lbs -- my smallest since I was a teenager and quite underweight for my 5'7" height) and I lost sleep trying to catch up. I gave it the old "college try," Oh, what a great idiom for this, lol. I'm proud of myself for fighting against time. The time crunch was real, y'all. I lost maybe 4 or 5 total weeks due to everything that happened post-accident. I studied until my head ached. Sometimes I would fall asleep with my laptop onto of me during the day because I would work until almost 4 a.m.

I fought temptation. I had so many opportunities to cheat on the quizzes and the final exam but I didn't. We took our exams online. Do you know how easy it is to cheat on exams online? Sure, they have software that lets them know if we open up a new tab on our browser during the exam but they can't know whether we used handwritten notes or not, even after they said no open notes. I could've had the chance to take a quick peek to jog my memory. It would've been so easy. The thought popped up in my mind at least once with each quiz and the final exam. The temptation was there... it was hard... but the Holy Spirit helped me resist. They (JP Catholic administration and professors) had full faith in us to do the right thing and I wanted to honor that. I didn't want to insult my professors, myself, or God (and, obviously, not in that order) by cheating. My memory didn't want to cooperate with me. It happens.

Unless the administration decides to give me another chance at JP Catholic -- fully knowing my situation; I've kept them in the loop since an hour or two after I was released from the hospital after my accident -- I'm officially done with grad school. What does this mean for me? Well, we'll see. There are Plans B, C, and D but first there are a couple of things I need/want to do.

First, my immediate goal is to get myself healthy again. I need to regain that weight I lost (I was up to about 122 a few months ago), eat more iron-rich foods to raise my red blood count (and thus kick anemia in the tush), and do whatever else needs to be done to get myself healthy again. Without health, I'm going to be useless in the workforce, especially if that works will have me away from the house.

Second immediate goal: look for and apply to jobs that I can do from home. My car is still getting fixed (thankfully Alli raised a good amount of $ to get my car fixed on GoFundMe; yes, donations are still being accepted since we still have to pay about $500 out of pocket at this point) so transportation isn't easy. Why do you think I've lost so much weight? I haven't had the chance to grocery shop with my limited diet and my limited time; I have to drive twice as far just to get foods I can eat and that isn't easy without a car. One of my best friends has already found a job listing for something that suits me to a T but since it's not guaranteed, I'm going to be putting out feelers. Yes, I'm still applying for the job (which I can do from home) and hope that I get it because, really, it's exactly what I would've wanted even if I had finished the MA program. Thankfully it's something that I don't need the MA for, too.

Third goal: finish my third novel and figure out the fourth. Oh, I have plenty of ideas bouncing around my head for at least two more novels. I'm not going to sit around and do nothing while I wait to find a job or while I try to regain my health. I'm also going to try to shop them around to literary agencies and publishing houses instead of taking the self-publishing route. I love to write. One of my best friends says it's one of the strengths (though I don't see it, lol) so why not try to do something with it once again? At least I know that going the "content mill" route is not for me.

There you have it... my thoughts at half past midnight on the day of my last final. Oh, don't worry about this one. It's a Philosophy paper on William of Ockham, Descartes, and Spinoza. Writing essays is my academic forte. I just need to edit it and go into the book for citations before I turn it in. At least I'll pass one course (the hardest of the two, ironically) this quarter. :)

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me during the quarter. I know some of you prayed really hard for me. Please don't think that prayer didn't help because it did. I've been so peaceful (even in the really stressful moments) that my own mother says she doesn't recognize me. lol. Seriously, no panic attacks or anything. Maybe it didn't help in terms of passing the exam but it certainly helped me not lose my marbles or commit a serious sin in the process. We'll just have to pray and see what God has in store for me next. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Emmy: One, Week From Heck: Zero.

I'm okay. I'm alive. I'm (relatively) healthy. I'm still way behind on coursework, especially with everything that's happened lately... but I think I can finish everything (final paper, quizzes, and final exam) on time. I'm sure going to try. I've briefly cried from the stress but that's natural. I've vented to friends. I've prayed. I've come to the conclusion that I'll be okay. Hey, I'm not smiling for no good reason. I don't like showing false emotions that cover my true feelings. Actually, I'm fairly sure I'm incapable of doing it; people have told me that you can figure out what I'm feeling (or thinking, if you really know me) by simply looking at me.

I know some of you were worried about me after reading my blog post from last Tuesday. The feelings lingered through the next day or so but I stopped crying that night. (side note: huge shout out to the friends who either made me laugh or who let me vent it all out that evening.) I'm able to look back at the whole situation this way: I learned a lot from that meeting and for that I'm grateful. Yes, it hurt but good things came out of it. I got my prayer life back on track though it's not where it should be overall. I've been able to put God before everything else, though I'll admit that I still occasionally slip and get caught up in deadlines or lethargic feelings for a little while. Once I realize what I'm doing, I automatically shift my focus back on God. Also, bonus: I've had a couple of people benefit from my experience and it's led them to reevaluate their own prayer lives so it hasn't been all bad. :)

I also came to the conclusion that this was for the best. My former SD is a great priest (who maybe had an off day that day) but, as I was gently reminded by my mother and one of my best friends, I haven't gotten much out of my meetings with him for a while now. My prayer life needs to change. My spiritual growth has outgrown my daily prayer routine. As horrible as it sounds, I've gotten bored with the same routine and thus get caught up in just going through the motions. Maybe I would benefit from another priest's guidance.

I went through a period of confusion regarding everything but I think I've finally gotten clarity... or as much clarity as I can get while going through a rough time.

Despite confusion about whether I should continue with grad school or leave, I've felt peace about staying so I'm going to tough it out. Like I've repeatedly said, I do love my courses and my professors are great... I just got a bit overwhelmed falling behind on everything post-accident. I had to ask for an extension on my first Philosophy paper. I finished my Theology paper 4 hours after it was due because I decided that I would rather turn in the best paper I could instead of turning in something mediocre because I wanted to meet the deadline. I could've done that. I could've finished an hour before it was due... but it wouldn't have been my best work. I didn't even stress out when I couldn't upload my paper at 3 a.m. when I finished the paper and the school's website was down. That is unusual for me. Academic pride won't be a problem anytime soon. lol.

As for the career confusion: I was given many options lately but none that have felt right. Okay, let's put feelings aside: none of which I've discerned to be the right one for me. I've decided to postpone taking on a new job for now. I can afford that luxury -- to focus solely on school for the foreseeable future. If it gets to the point where I need an additional source of income (right now, novel royalties are helping), I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now: school is my focus. Whether I'll teach or work elsewhere will remain to be seen. All I can do is prepare myself for the future.

Regarding the topic I rarely write about on the blog or, really, talk about in general: I'm in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. There's not much I can do but pray for my future fella. I'm enjoying my time as a single lady (mostly because my parents raised a fiercely independent young woman). I've also learned to let go of any fears I might've had regarding my vocation. If anything, everything that I've gone through this year has shown me that I'm not only confident about my vocation but that I'm also ready for whatever God has in store for me. And that's all you'll get from me for a while so enjoy it. lol.

Yes, life has been tough. In the past week I:
- have lost my spiritual director.
- was billed for something my lawyer insisted I get done when my case was open and now refuses to pay for it.
- turned in an assignment late.
- have had my parking spot taken from me by the new building manager despite having it for years and being the oldest tenants.
- was relocated to the alley behind our building, not far from where a neighbor almost got raped a few months ago.
- was told by the manager's assistant that if something happened to me at 4 a.m. when I take my mom to work it wouldn't be "her problem." (The manager has since apologized for the remark).
- have been told by the latest mechanic that he wouldn't fix my car.
- was threatened with having my car towed out of my parking space even though I've been paying for it (included in my rent) if I don't move it out by tomorrow at 5 p.m.
- haven't had a chance to study or even read because I get pulled away to do other things by multiple people (this blog post actually took hours to write due to the same issue) throughout the day. Seriously, I haven't even eaten more than two slices of bread and three tortillas all day and it's now 5:32 p.m.
- and much more that I'm not even publicly sharing.

As I said, I've cried (to release the emotions instead of bottling them up) but that rarely lasts longer than a couple of minutes. I, thankfully, bounce back pretty quickly. I'm okay. I'm still smiling. I'm surprisingly optimistic about everything. My faith is growing stronger as is my trust in God. I keep repeating Psalm 46:1 and Philippians 4:13 (RSVCE) as well as offering everything up for the souls in purgatory. I'm good. Really. I promise. If you have a prayer to spare and want to send it my way, I won't say no. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all because I know some of y'all were/are and I haven't really blogged since. I've been so busy dealing with all these crumbs that I haven't had the time. Sorry.

I hope y'all are having a better week than I am (haha!). I will try to write again when I get the bulk of what I have due finished. Commence operation "Little Emmy That Could." ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Peaceful Doubts

Oh, doubts. You were bound to pop up at some point...

Lately I've been experiencing this odd mixture of peace with doubts. I know, it doesn't make much sense. I guess the only way to explain it is to take one of the things I've been doubting and share it... and hope it'll make sense to someone.

I don't know if it's the time crunch (down to the final weeks of the quarter and still trying to catch up on coursework) or what but I've been wondering if I should continue grad school. I should say that I am loving my courses. Despite the time crunch and the little free time I get, I truly enjoy them. I haven't enjoyed myself in an academic setting since I did my junior and senior years of high school in less than a year. Seriously, I finished both in two semesters... and I loved it. At no point this quarter have I said "ugh, I don't want to do this anymore. It feels forced." I had those thoughts ("ugh, I want this to be over") when I did speech-language pathology last year but not with theology. I still love the material, even if the books aren't the easiest, and it's something that I will continue doing (learning about theology) once I'm done... but I'm wondering if I should continue in the program.

With everything that's happened recently, I've had to really sit down and look at where I'm going and what I want. I haven't mentioned anything to anyone but I've had a couple of different career/job paths open up for me. One would have me working within the L.A. Archdiocese. It's something I already have the skills for and don't need to further my education for. Another would not be related to theology (at all) and would not need a Master's degree in either. The third option is also something that I don't technically need a Master's degree for but one that the program I'm currently in would help better prepare me for. The only downside to this last option is that it's quite possibly the biggest risk, career and education-wise, that I could take. I'm the first to admit that I'm not a big risk-taker but I know that sometimes the risk is worth the reward.

Because I feel at peace when I think about the program, I'm trying to dismiss the doubts as things that are trying to derail me again. Sure, grad school is a lot (and I do mean a lot) of hard work but I don't mind the hard work. I actually enjoy it! Yes, I'm going to be rushed for the next three weeks, trying to meet all deadlines. Yes, I'm going to work through Thanksgiving weekend... but there is a sort of excitement in it. Still, a part of me is wondering if I'll have these opportunities later on. 

If I had my car fixed, I would go to the nearest Perpetual Adoration chapel or church (to kneel in front of the tabernacle if I couldn't get to the Adoration chapel) and spend some time in silent prayer. There's too much noise and too many distractions where I live to have some time in silence. I don't see my spiritual director until next week so I guess I can wait for that... but it's still something that's going to bug me for a while.

There's something else, too, but that's going to be for my spiritual director to help me figure out. Let's just say it's vocation related and that I feel a lovely peace in my heart but it's a bit complicated. Peace... with doubts.

Maybe all of this is why I've had a strong urge to go to church as much as possible. If I had my car, I would be attending daily Mass and/or driving to the local parish and parking myself in front of the tabernacle. I haven't attended Mass or gone to confession in two weeks and it doesn't sit well with me. I don't feel comfortable and won't until I do both (confession and Mass). The last time I felt an urge this overwhelming was when there was a big change in my life. I guess we shall see what happens next.

I'm just rambling at this point but I wanted to get it out so I wouldn't go crazy trying to analyze it tonight instead of sleeping. I'm going to go pray the Rosary and do my nighttime prayers before midnight. :)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Goodbye, Comfort Zone

Lately I feel like I keep getting inspired (or pushed, if you wish you see it that way) to keep moving forward. This is how my inner monologue occasionally goes:

Me: Okay, God. I think I got it -- why I was being tested. I understand. I'm okay here. Wait... are you pushing me out of my comfort zone again? But I like my comfort zone. Can't I get a break? Please? Not even for a little bit? I shouldn't settle? Yes, I know You're right but... Huh? I need to keeping moving forward? Alright. No, I'm not complaining. I just really love my comfort zone. However, if you want me to keep going, I will. Your will, God... not mine. Yes, I trust in You even though I have no idea what's going to happen in the future.

While the above applies to different areas of my life, my biggest focus has been on my past academic comfort bubble. Coursework these past couple of weeks has been rough for me. I knew grad school was hard but I wasn't anticipating it to be this time consuming. Two books in particular were read ridiculously slow (way too slow for me) because of how complex and verbose they were. The general consensus amongst my fellow classmates (and even my professor) was that the books were not easy to grasp. It wasn't that I was a total dunce (though it occasionally feels that way listening some of my classmates; my goodness, they will do amazing things for the Church). I just had to take my time and try to get through it all as best as I could with a little help along the way.

I'm currently finishing up my first paper, a week after it was originally due. No, it's okay; I had an extension due to the time lost post-accident last month. I didn't want the extension, to be honest. I wanted to meet the original deadline. Remember when I wrote about having academic pride earlier this year? I was dangerously close to going there again but this paper helped me realize it early enough to stop it. I had to humble myself and rein in the pride that wanted to pop up again. Old habits die hard, you know? No, I was not going to have it easy like I'd had in previous years. I was going to have to work harder than I ever had just to finish that paper.

When I accepted this, I talked to the right person and was able to get an extension. Did I want it? No, but I knew I needed it. Sometimes things take time and hard work. This paper was a beautiful reminder of not only that but that it's always best to trust Him. As I got closer to the deadline (prior to receiving the extension) and saw that I was nowhere near being done I said: "If I don't finish this paper, Lord, and if it makes such a difference that it will put me in jeopardy of potentially having to leave the program (side note: paper worth a good chunk of my grade)... it will be because You have something else planned for me. I will accept it. I put my trust in You." Maybe He doesn't want me to give up yet because, despite the stress I put on myself to meet the deadlines, I've felt an overwhelming peace about being in this program. Hard work isn't fun but I do love it. I've never enjoyed myself in an academic setting as much as I have recently. I can't get enough of the works of St. Thomas Aquinas (for Philosophy) nor anything that's been assigned in my Theology course. Am I still behind (in general)? Of course... but I'm willing to work harder now that I'm learning to adjust to my new schedule (which includes thrice weekly sessions for my back and a whole lot of taking public transportation).

The quarter ends in less than a month. I have two more papers and a lot of hard work ahead of me. I might've lost a majority of the first half due to circumstances beyond my control (as well as horrendous lack of time management with a dash of procrastination) but that doesn't mean I can't catch up. I can... with God's help. I hope that by Thanksgiving Day weekend I will be all caught up. That is my hope but only God knows if I'll be able to meet that goal. If not, it won't be because I didn't try. For now it's all about trust and hard work.

There's another area in which I feel God is inspiring me to move forward but it may be too early to tell. For now trust, prayer, and resigning myself to His will is all I can do. Oh yeah, and I need to be patient. As independent and (occasionally) stubborn as I may be, I know that His plans are much greater than anything I could ever plan for myself and I can't wait to see what's in store for me next.

Your will, God... not my own.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to share with y'all for now. I have most of my paper done but I want to add a couple more things to make it flow a bit better so I'm going to go do that. :)

I hope y'all are well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Why I'm Not Ashamed to Cry

This past week has been particularly hard for me. After the summer I had, my car accident last week, and everything that has followed since, it's no wonder that I had a moment in which I felt like I had to take a break and do something I'd been holding in -- cry. I didn't do much of it but the couple of minutes of it followed by a nap really did me good.

I didn't cry when my car got hit, when the impact made me hit my left temple (hard) on the plastic divider next to the door or when my right kneecap hit the steering wheel. I didn't cry when they had to put a neck brace on me and put me on one of those hard, plastic boards and taken to the E.R. I didn't cry when the doctor told me that my platelets and red blood count had gone below normal again. I didn't have a panic attack or cry in the following days.

I didn't cry when I realized that I would be playing "catch up" in my classes for the rest of the quarter due to the week plus that I lost due to the pain of the injuries sustained in the accident. (side note: I lost all of last week because I couldn't read for more than 15 minutes without getting a horrible headache that lasted hours).

Crying has gotten a bad rap and that's hard for me because I've always been a crier -- since I was a child. I'm sensitive and that's perfectly fine. I cry at the end of Hallmark commercials, people. lol. It's who I am. I feel things a lot more deeply than people think. However, throughout the years I've been told that I shouldn't cry. Crying meant weakness. Crying meant that others had power over me. Crying meant that I was giving up. It took me a long time to realize that that wasn't the case. Even up until recently, I had to hide when I cried because people made me feel ashamed for crying.

Crying this past week didn't mean that I was weak. It just meant that I needed to release a lot of the stress that I had unintentionally bottled up. Crying is my release -- when I'm angry, sad, stressed, or even overwhelmingly happy. After everything that happened, I needed it. For the first time in a long time, no one made me feel like there was something wrong with me for crying and I appreciated it.

After those couple of minutes of tears shed, I ended up falling asleep. I've been doing a lot of that lately -- sleeping. My body is trying to recover from everything so that's understandable. After I woke up, I felt a lot more energetic and I didn't feel as sad (which I've been fighting this week). I was able to finish an assignment for a class and go on with everything else I've had to do.

If I've learned anything since the accident (besides the fact that my guardian angel is a heavenly rockstar and that my friends are amazing), it's that it's okay to do things that are seen as "weak" by others. Asking for help? Despite it being drilled into my head that I shouldn't ask for help and that I should do everything myself, I've come to realize that it's okay to do it when you just can't do something by yourself. Admitting that I can't do something and voicing it? Totally fine. Crying? No longer ashamed to do it, even if I get reprimanded for doing it.

How have I been since the mini crying jag? Fine. Things are still super stressful but I have faith that everything will work out. Afterall, God never gives us anything we can't handle... and what we think we can't handle is what brings up closer to Him.

School: I've been able to do what needs to be done though time is not on my side. With so many chiropractor appointments, hospital/doctor visits, and the use of public transportation, I can't find much time to catch up on reading for my classes... but I feel as if I've been training for this all my life. The reading marathons, I mean. ;) Before anyone suggests reading on the bus, nope. I feel sick if I try it and sometimes it's impossible if there are no seats available. I don't know when I'll catch up but I'm not throwing in the towel yet. Verso l'alto!

Car accident: It's hard to not have a car in this city. I dislike public transportation because of the time wasted. I will admit that I hate chiropractor appointments but I seem to have hurt my back so I need to continue attending them. I've been walking a lot more (kind of have to) so my kneecap doesn't hurt anymore and my legs are getting stronger. All of this will help me so I shall endure it.

Health? I've had low platelets and anemia for a while now (only had a brief break between April and earlier this month, apparently) so I know what I must do. Lots of red meat and iron-rich foods (Mini Shredded Wheat!). I've lost some weight since the accident but I can gain that back. Goonies never say die! ;)

Yes, life is stressful and I may again cry at some point due to the stress but that's okay. Crying shows that I care. It shows that I feel deeply and that my heart is in the right place. Crying is part of my self-care routine and that is actually good for me, healthwise. Hey, if I can quote Anne Shirley and joke easily with friends, you know this "crying to release stress" thing works. ;)

Anyway, I should try to get some more reading done. I'm stuck at home until, at least, tomorrow or Monday so I should take advantage of it. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!