Saturday, February 21, 2015
Confession: I Have Mild Depression
I have the symptoms of atypical depression. I'm oversleeping during the day after not being able to sleep (or getting up quite often) at night. I'm super hungry most days. I've had the urge to cry at least once a day for the past couple of days for no obvious reason, though tonight was the first time I actually cried in weeks. I just want to stay in bed some days, mostly due to extreme fatigue. Sometimes my body feels like lead; my arms and legs feel heavy. My concentration is shot. I forget things on occasion. On most days I can distract myself... but some days are hard. Tonight has been the worst day/night in several weeks. I try to fight it, of course, but it's still a struggle.
I think that being sick for so long has caused this. Every day I wake up and see how pale I am -- and how dark the circles under my eyes are -- and it stays on my mind for most of the rest of the day. When I get weighed (once a week), I see that I make little to no progress in gaining weight despite the amount of calories I eat. All of that contributes to it.
I push myself every day. I push myself to get out of bed despite my exhaustion... to try to get all the nutrients and calories I need to help try to combat the anemia and other stomach issues (which the doctors have yet to figure out the root cause for)... to leave the house and do everything I have to do (errands and whatnot), etc. I've been consistently sick for almost 3 years now. I know it's a cross I have to bear and I while I accept it, I still feel sad. No amount of logic can make the emotions turn off.
Please don't begin saying "it's okay. Take it up to God." "Don't worry, God has this." All those words, while lovely and true, don't help how I feel because it feels like you're saying I'm not trying hard enough; like my feelings should not exist and that I should know better. I know God is with me. I know that when I feel like I have no one else (a sneaky thought that pops into my head from time to time though I know it's not true, it still comes up), I know I have Him. I pray. I try to give myself some comfort knowing that He won't leave me during this time. It has nothing to do with any lack in trust or faith in God. I DO trust Him and I do have a lot of faith that things will get better, but I still want to cry and I still feel sad. That's just how depression works.
The reason why I had stayed silent about this is because people immediately want to "fix" me... or make my depression about themselves, making me feel I'm a burden and/or not worth listening to. Yes, I'm talking from experience. However, I'm fairly open about what I go through because I hope that someday someone struggling will find this post and will be encouraged to keep going.
I'm lucky in so many ways. I've never been suicidal. I'm never harmed myself (nor do I want to). I can still have faith and hope despite how I feel at times. My depression isn't intense as others experience it... but it's still there. I pray that St. Dymphna will help me get out of this little hole and that those who are worse off than I am feel God's love during their darkest moments.
So, there you have it: my nickname is Emmy and I'm currently struggling with depression. I will pray for those who are currently in the same or similar boat.
Anyway, I just wanted to open up about this and share my thoughts and feelings with y'all.
Now I'm going to try to do... something. I'm not really in the mood to do anything but I know I have to so I won't dwell on how "blaaaah" I feel.
I hope y'all are having a good weekend thus far. :)
As always, thanks for reading and God bless!