Saturday, October 20, 2012
A Pope Benedict XVI Dream and Vocation Thoughts
If you read my FB page update last week (on the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima), you know I had some very exciting news to share. Over the last couple of days, a few things have changed... but I feel like maybe it was for the best.
First, I know some of you are curious about my Pope Benedict XVI dream (as well as saint dreams). Not sure why people like hearing them but I don't mind sharing. :D Well, basically in the dream I spoke to Pope Benedict XVI three times. First time was inside the Apostolic Palace. There were a lot of people around but I do remember saying something about wanting to live in Vatican City but that I knew I couldn't. The second time I spoke to him, we were all outside in a courtyard with journalist-type people. I'm a bit vague about the details (I should really keep a dream journal, lol) but it was basically about my vocation and how I knew I wasn't meant to be a religious sister. The last time, I was able to talk and walk alone with him. He gave me advice on my vocation (as a lay person who wanted to write) and he mentioned that there was a way that I could live/work in Vatican City as a lay person. He led me through a door when he told me this and then excuse himself as he had to "go back and help the poor and needy." And that was my dream. Not the first Pope Benedict XVI dream (one of my favorites was when I knelt down and he heard my confession/gave me advice and a Rosary/golden crucifix) but it's always pleasant. I would rather dream of the Pope, saints, Our Blessed Mother and Jesus than have other kinds of dreams.
Second, I had other work-related news but I had to rethink things after a few things came up. I'm still freelance writing (and I'm tutoring a little gal for an hour during the weekdays) but I came to realize that I couldn't take on a new project that I had been excited about. Though I was terribly excited (especially since it was to be with local Knights of Columbus), God knows why it didn't work out. I still dream of working with a church, a Catholic organization, or (one of my grander dreams) to work with a publication that is directly connected with the Vatican but for now I will be continuing my non-Catholic freelance assignments. Baby steps (just like the picture above of the Bl. Mother Teresa with a child.)
All of these things, along with the improvement of my health, have made me very aware of a lot things that I hadn't really thought about. For the first time since I began my freelance writing career, I've felt myself pulled more and more towards writing about the Faith. This week I was asked what my goal was and, for the first time, I said I wanted to use my gifts to help evangelize to my generation as well as the younger generations. At the moment all I can think of doing is continuing this blog as well as finishing my young adult novel. I know God will present different opportunities to me when I am ready.
To say that I've had a burning desire to do something big for the Church is an understatement. I don't know why but I feel like there's something that I am meant to do that I have yet to figure out. I feel called to devote my life to doing something unique to help evangelization purposes but am stuck as to what I should actually do. I've had this feeling before but never this intense or persistent. And, for the record, I want to do these things in a way that won't attract much attention to me. I just want to do these things in a quiet and fruitful way.
If I may be honest, though my heart is still stuck on becoming a wife and mother some day, I feel like this desire is even bigger than any thoughts of marriage. I may still get married but right now I feel myself being pulled closer to God and to (at the risk of sounding dramatic) lose myself in Him. Again, I don't believe I have a religious vocation (and I've certainly been open to it for the past 6 years) but heart and my mind is focused on God and God alone. Who knows, I may become a consecrated virgin. It's a thought I've been had for quite a while now; one I was afraid to have before, due to fear of being alone, but one that I now feel at peace with if it's my vocation. Again, I still believe that my vocation is to be a wife and mother (and I certainly think this vocation would best suit me as it would help get rid of my selfish tendencies that would be harder to shake if I were to remain single) but I am open to whatever God wants me to do/be. Right now I am, thankfully, enamoured with the idea of being close to God and to let what may come come at its own time. Vocation can go either way at the moment. All of this could be in preparation for any of the three. ;)
Anyway, everything that's happened this week had led me to these realizations (first time I have the guts to properly think them through, let alone write it down). See what beginning to read St. Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle and having a Pope Benedict XVI dream have led me to think? lol. jk.
Sorry for such a long post; I just let it all spill out without a second thought.
I should really try to finish my last assignment for the week (yes, I am currently procrastinating :-P) so I can enjoy tomorrow. :D
I hope you all have a wonderful week. If you have any prayer requests, let me know. :D
As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D