Saturday, June 25, 2016

The Diary of a (Currently) Aimless Nerd

Subtitle to this post: Just Keep Swimming..

Yesterday was a strange day. I had to withdraw from JP Catholic after believing that I could stay. I had a really weird headache with body chills and a low-grade fever throughout the day (which didn't break, naturally, until around midnight). Apart from the chills and the headache (and slight fatigue), I didn't feel sick. I ate pretty normally. I didn't fall asleep though I definitely rested. Today I woke up feeling as if I hadn't had anything... and I was hungry. Weird 24 hours, my friends.

I woke up early (despite not setting an alarm) and went to confession with Mom. My first time in the confessional in 4 weeks for both of us. You can thank illnesses and lack of a/c in the car (plus really hot weather) for that. I spent some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and asked for guidance. I lit a candle for Mama Mary as well.

After a quick grocery run, I returned home. For most of the afternoon into early evening, I made a pros and cons list for each of my options. I had three (then four) options. I could: 1) get my SLPA certification at a local commu-ity college, 2) return to my alma mater (the dreaded CINO college) for a Master of Science in Education, 3) I could enroll at Steubenville for a Master in Arts in Theology, or)  I could return to Utah State to finish my second Bachelor of Science in Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education. For various outside reasons, SLP/A was ruled out. Main reasons: various alumni agreeing that the woman who ran the program for option 1 was, well... I'll just say I'd rather not put my health at risk there. Option 4? I remembered how heavy the workload was for the program and I don't want my health to take that hit. In the end, 2 and 3 remained my only options... but there are some obstacles for both.

I also looked at job listings for various things -- local archdiocese, several publications (for freelance writing), etc. Nada. Either the job was perfect for me, I met the qualifications, but it was out of state (and I can't relocate at the moment) OR I needed a Master's in either Theology/Religious Studies with teaching certification or a Master's in Education for the local jobs that would've been an okay (repeat: just okay) fit for me.

I feel stuck. I had a clearer vision of what I wanted while I was at JP Catholic. I wanted that degree so I could work with Catholic youth. Whether that meant as a youth minister, as a teacher, or as a DRE in a parish, I didn't know. All I knew is that that is where my heart is; that's where my passion lies. But then... well, we know what happened.

After all the health issues and all the things that have happened, I wonder if I'm just not meant to continue school. My health has been fragile while I'm in school. It first started when I was at Utah State (I became malnourished). I recovered a bit and then headed to JP Catholic. That horrific stomach ache on orientation day should've been a sign. The car accident during my second week of classes should've made me withdraw. But I pushed ahead. I ended up around 109-110 lbs, way underweight for my 5'7"-ish height. During the break from JP Catholic, I wasn't anemic, my platelets, white, and red blood count were normal, AND I was finally my normal weight (first time since I graduated from the CINO college). Return to JP Catholic saw me slightly anemic again with my white and red blood once again low. Platelets still normal as is my weight.

I don't know what to do at this point. Sure, both schools (CINO alma mater and Steubenville) are options but what if I'm just not meant to continue my academic career? Do I want to keep pushing myself and getting more in debt trying to figure that out? I don't think I do. Is that fear talking? Maybe. Also, the obstacles to both are making me seriously rethink things.

Dream job: writing or working with Catholic youth... or both. Like I said, I can do what I'd like with what I have but nowhere near L.A. I wish I could relocate but I can't.

I started a novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus yesterday because I'm aimless. I don't know if I'm going to be able to go to any school this August or if I have to wait until January. I don't know if I'm even going to continue anything in academia. I can't find a job I can do with my education/experience/qualifications. If I'm completely honest, I'm feeling a little lost.

I do trust God and I know He'll eventually open a door for me... but I still feel lost at this point in time. I'm not particularly good at waiting, especially with Mom's paycheck being the only one coming in (side note: she lost a day of work per week as well) and my royalty checks being teeny tiny and sporadic. The financial strain, especially in this city, is real. I kind of want to cry but I'm going to try to hold it in and place everything at the feet of Christ because, as the kids say, "I can't even." I'm not strong, but He is.

I wanted/needed to let this all out of my system. I already exhausted all my options (I made sure I researched each option thoroughly) so at this point all I can do is wait and see. Just keep swimming... just keep swimming...

Sorry for such a downer post. Not my intention but this is my journey... and it's not always pretty.

Anyway, I hope y'all are having a better weekend than I. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

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