Saturday, October 24, 2015

Why I'm Not Ashamed to Cry

This past week has been particularly hard for me. After the summer I had, my car accident last week, and everything that has followed since, it's no wonder that I had a moment in which I felt like I had to take a break and do something I'd been holding in -- cry. I didn't do much of it but the couple of minutes of it followed by a nap really did me good.

I didn't cry when my car got hit, when the impact made me hit my left temple (hard) on the plastic divider next to the door or when my right kneecap hit the steering wheel. I didn't cry when they had to put a neck brace on me and put me on one of those hard, plastic boards and taken to the E.R. I didn't cry when the doctor told me that my platelets and red blood count had gone below normal again. I didn't have a panic attack or cry in the following days.

I didn't cry when I realized that I would be playing "catch up" in my classes for the rest of the quarter due to the week plus that I lost due to the pain of the injuries sustained in the accident. (side note: I lost all of last week because I couldn't read for more than 15 minutes without getting a horrible headache that lasted hours).

Crying has gotten a bad rap and that's hard for me because I've always been a crier -- since I was a child. I'm sensitive and that's perfectly fine. I cry at the end of Hallmark commercials, people. lol. It's who I am. I feel things a lot more deeply than people think. However, throughout the years I've been told that I shouldn't cry. Crying meant weakness. Crying meant that others had power over me. Crying meant that I was giving up. It took me a long time to realize that that wasn't the case. Even up until recently, I had to hide when I cried because people made me feel ashamed for crying.

Crying this past week didn't mean that I was weak. It just meant that I needed to release a lot of the stress that I had unintentionally bottled up. Crying is my release -- when I'm angry, sad, stressed, or even overwhelmingly happy. After everything that happened, I needed it. For the first time in a long time, no one made me feel like there was something wrong with me for crying and I appreciated it.

After those couple of minutes of tears shed, I ended up falling asleep. I've been doing a lot of that lately -- sleeping. My body is trying to recover from everything so that's understandable. After I woke up, I felt a lot more energetic and I didn't feel as sad (which I've been fighting this week). I was able to finish an assignment for a class and go on with everything else I've had to do.

If I've learned anything since the accident (besides the fact that my guardian angel is a heavenly rockstar and that my friends are amazing), it's that it's okay to do things that are seen as "weak" by others. Asking for help? Despite it being drilled into my head that I shouldn't ask for help and that I should do everything myself, I've come to realize that it's okay to do it when you just can't do something by yourself. Admitting that I can't do something and voicing it? Totally fine. Crying? No longer ashamed to do it, even if I get reprimanded for doing it.

How have I been since the mini crying jag? Fine. Things are still super stressful but I have faith that everything will work out. Afterall, God never gives us anything we can't handle... and what we think we can't handle is what brings up closer to Him.

School: I've been able to do what needs to be done though time is not on my side. With so many chiropractor appointments, hospital/doctor visits, and the use of public transportation, I can't find much time to catch up on reading for my classes... but I feel as if I've been training for this all my life. The reading marathons, I mean. ;) Before anyone suggests reading on the bus, nope. I feel sick if I try it and sometimes it's impossible if there are no seats available. I don't know when I'll catch up but I'm not throwing in the towel yet. Verso l'alto!

Car accident: It's hard to not have a car in this city. I dislike public transportation because of the time wasted. I will admit that I hate chiropractor appointments but I seem to have hurt my back so I need to continue attending them. I've been walking a lot more (kind of have to) so my kneecap doesn't hurt anymore and my legs are getting stronger. All of this will help me so I shall endure it.

Health? I've had low platelets and anemia for a while now (only had a brief break between April and earlier this month, apparently) so I know what I must do. Lots of red meat and iron-rich foods (Mini Shredded Wheat!). I've lost some weight since the accident but I can gain that back. Goonies never say die! ;)

Yes, life is stressful and I may again cry at some point due to the stress but that's okay. Crying shows that I care. It shows that I feel deeply and that my heart is in the right place. Crying is part of my self-care routine and that is actually good for me, healthwise. Hey, if I can quote Anne Shirley and joke easily with friends, you know this "crying to release stress" thing works. ;)

Anyway, I should try to get some more reading done. I'm stuck at home until, at least, tomorrow or Monday so I should take advantage of it. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

10 comments:

Amanda Marie said...

Let me just tell you that you are amazing! Seriously. You have been through a lot, especially lately. There is no shame in crying. I always say that it takes a lot of strength to be able to cry when you need to, especially if that is in front of other people.

I want to let you know that I'm praying for you. God will get you through this.
If you feel like you're wasting time on public transport, can I suggest that you pray the Rosary? Especially with this being the month of the Rosary, it can't hurt and Momma Mary will help you out.
<3 Hang in there!
Amanda

Emmy Cecilia said...

Amanda,

May I ask what you meant about the Rosary and public transportation? I'm not quite getting the connection there. Did you simply mean to pray it to pass the time or that it would help give me patience or...?

Trust me, in L.A. a 20-25 minute car ride can last over 3 hours (one way!) using public transportation and that's time I can't afford to lose especially when I'm already so behind on my coursework.

Amanda Marie said...

The Rosary will help pass the time on the bus and give you patience/tranquility to deal with all of it.
I had no idea it was 3 hours one way! We don't have public transport where I live in Montana so I could never have imagined it taking that long! - Are any of your coursebooks available on audio? If so, that would probably be a big help.

Emmy Cecilia said...

Negative on the audiobooks. And, yeah, L.A. is seriously spread out so it can take hours to get from point A to point B.

Christopher Schaefer said...

This seems extraordinarily trivial compared to your experience, but when my 14 ½ year-old dog died last month I wept almost continuously for 2 days, then off and on for another 5 days—and I'm in my 60s!. I believe this was for a reason that you hint at in your post. A specific loss (my dog, your accident) can have a deeper meaning. For you, it means that your life in some ways never will be quite the same. One hopes that you will recover completely from your injuries, but there likely will be some residual effect for the rest of your life: perhaps as insignificant as a scar, yet it will be there. When my dog died, it was not just the loss of an animal companion (who primarily was my companion—because I fed her!). It also was the loss of the last daily ‘living’ connection with my now-adult children’s years growing up here at home. So it was as if a page in my life had been turned, just as a page in your life has been turned.
So we weep not only because of a painful incident. We also weep because, in some ways, life never will be the same. These losses that we will continue to experience throughout life remind us of our mortality and of the “Four Last Things” http://www.catholictradition.org/Classics/4last-things.htm . "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you." (St. Augustine, “Confessions” http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/110101.htm )

Emmy Cecilia said...

Hi Christopher,

I think you may new to blog (welcome!) but, um, well... not quite. What you read on my blog is exactly what I'm thinking and feeling; there was no hidden meaning nor hints. I wrote that I cried due to the stress because that's exactly why I cried -- it was just too much at once and the stress overwhelmed me. It wasn't because life would never be the same; I know that life is constantly changing and nothing can be duplicated exactly the same. I honestly don't feel scarred from my accident -- emotionally, psychologically, or (thankfully) physically. If anything, it's made me feel stronger in those areas as well as in my faith and trust in God.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your dog. I've never had a pet but I've seen the sorrow my friends carry after the death of their beloved animals.

Again, thank you for your words but I can assure you that I did not cry because of the incident or because things will never be the same. I cried because of the stress of the time constraint. I'm very open and transparent with what I write so what you read is my reality. :)

God bless.

AnneMarie said...

Wow, you are awesome! Seriously! I think it's so cool that you are unashamed to cry and admit weakness-I think, in our communities and culture in general, we need to be more OK with this. Crying is really cathartic, but it always ticks me off when some people (like men, in particular) don't feel that they can cry because of the way that the surrounding culture sees it. Hang in there! You continue to be in my prayers.

Emmy Cecilia said...

Thanks, AnneMarie! And, yes! Guys have it worse than we do. Thank you for your prayers; you're in mine as well. :D

Marcus Otte said...

A great post. I don't cry, but I don't look down upon those who do- and honestly I envy them a bit. There are many signs of weakness, but I don't think of tears as such a thing. Crying merely shows depth of feeling. It's hard to imagine staying on top of a grad school schedule together with the aftermath of a car wreck. I pray you recover soon.

Emmy Cecilia said...

Thanks, Marcus!