January: I started the year without making resolutions and I'm glad I didn't because it gave me a chance to be open to whatever changes God had in store for me. I revisited the faith of my childhood. It seems interesting that this happened while I was praying the Rosary because most of this year I struggled with my faith in a way that challenged me (in a good way!) and made mature my facing difficult situations that only God's love and mercy -- and my trust in Him -- could've helped me through. I came to terms with the fact that I prefer the Latin Mass even though some people apparently think it's snobbish to do so. Hey, I'm not knocking your preference; I'm only stating mine. ;) Something that I was grateful for -- and also set in motion some big changes in me this year: I admitted to myself that I had forgotten how to forgive the way I used to. Some people may say that I just stopped being a doormat but I say I became someone I didn't like very much and I'm still working on that, 11 months later.
February: I didn't know that what began shortly before Lent this year would be something that I struggled with for the rest of the year: feeling unworthy of being a Catholic and of God's mercy. Yeah, 2017 was quite possibly the hardest year, spiritually, for me and it just got harder as the time went on. Feeling restless in my faith wasn't the greatest feeling in the world but it forced me to tackle things head-on. Oh, and I gave up social media (and talking... haha, that part didn't stick) for Lent. The giving up social media? Oh, did it (more on that in a bit).
March: Lent set off what would become a crazy year for me. Holy cow! I left the country for the first time since before my father passed away. St. Francis de Sales made the first of several random appearances in my life during this month, dropping some awesome truth bombs along the way. It inspired me. Somehow, I managed to see the blessings even during that hard time. Oh yeah, and did you know that you can't dance during Lent? Oops, my bad!
April: Another roller coaster month for me. For the first time in my life, I was racially profiled which was not fun. I also came to terms with the fact that I don't really like social media all that much. On a brighter note, I enrolled in the Rosary Confraternity on Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati's birthday and received confirmation of my enrollment for Easter. Whoo! should've listened to the signs I received in April regarding school but I didn't. I guess it didn't help that I had no clarity regarding God's will for me. Still, I should've trusted but I didn't.
May: I had zero plans for my life and it didn't feel right... then. Ask me how I feel now and it's a different story but then? Nope. Didn't like it. I should've taken things slower and had more patience but I didn't and it ended up being costly. Well, at least St. Brigid of Kildare reminded me of some of the good traits God has blessed me with. Better than nothing (and something I should've kept in mind that would've helped me months later). There was some good news in May though. I celebrated my 1000th blog post. Oh yeah, and I turned 32 at the end of the month. 'Sup? lol.
June: I struggled to figure out where to draw the line when it comes to self-care. Heck, I'm still learning. This was probably the hardest month, spiritually, for me as I admitted that I nearly left the Church the previous month. I couldn't find my place in the Church with rejections and some not so friendly experiences making it hard for me to not feel kicked while I was already down.
July: I revealed that I had been working on my third novel (the ending of which I just finished three days ago). In this post I said that I felt called to write and between this and St. Francis de Sales, I should've known something was up but it didn't click for me until December. I'm slow sometimes. This was probably the biggest month for me in terms of what would be clarified at the end of the year, especially when I admitted to myself that I didn't feel called to the SLP path (though I didn't specifically state it at the time) and that I didn't want to make my life all about a career. Oh yes, and I took a dating break that lasted until about two weeks ago. Yes, I'm still single but at least now I'm positive I'm ready to move forward in that area of my life.
August: My dislike of Twitter came to the forefront this month but I didn't do anything about it quite yet. All I knew was that I wasn't too happy with the whole "Catholic Twitter" thing. St. Francis de Sales continued to stalk me at the most random times but I still didn't put two and two together. Of course, I didn't tell people I was back at school, though I did drop hints. I'm not quite sure why I didn't want to say anything at the moment but it should've been an obvious red flag.
September: This was the month in which I saw a ton of change and set the tone for the rest of the year. I celebrated my 32nd baptismal anniversary on the feast of St. Anna the Prophetess. I revealed in which way God humbled me... and it turned out to be in more than one way. I shared why I had stopped writing my third novel (at the time) and I even spoiled the novel plot... and, surprise!, talked about the inspiration behind the idea. I also finally decided to tell everyone that I had returned to school... and I should've done it sooner so that perhaps someone could've stopped me. lol.
October: I had emotional breakdowns every two or three weeks during the semester but I kept fighting it. Oh, Emmy... you should've listened to your gut feeling but, no, I kept on going and I explained why I kept going. St. Therese of Lisieux came up during this period of my life and I learned a lot of valuable things from it... and, in hindsight, I should've focused more on the whole "waiting for your vocation" instead of going forward in something that didn't feel right. The end of the month also saw the end of the "nerdwriter" era, deleting my decade-old Twitter account. By the way, yes, I know who ended up taking the username on Twitter. No, it's not me.
November: I continued to crawl my way out of the academic tunnel even though I'd felt (for months) that I wasn't called to the field. I broke down in tears more in a single semester than I had when I was at my CINO college alma mater (those 2 years). My body and spirit were being broken the further I continued to try to finish the second degree. Still, I found things to be grateful for. Thankfully, St. Giuseppe Moscati started popping up in my life prior to his feast day and that set in motion something that was long overdue. I started to put some of the puzzle pieces together when, during prayer time, I figured out that St. Francis de Sales, patron saint of writers, might have something to do with the vocation God had in mind for me. That's why I had to create a new Twitter account and why I've been active again.
December: My plans to wait, reflect, and slow down during Advent didn't start out too well but it's something I've decided to continue it into the new year because it's another puzzle piece that I've finally put together. I decided to quit the SLP field. I've felt an amazing peace regarding this decision despite others trying to pressure me into continuing this path. As I wrote two blog posts ago, I'm completely abandoning myself to His Divine Providence and I look forward to seeing the fruit of this in the upcoming year.
And that's it. The end of the year blog post recap. These are not ALL the posts I wrote this year -- officially the least amount of blog posts I've written in the decade that I've been blogging -- but those were some of the highlights.
How am I still standing? How did I not have panic attacks? How did I not have a complete breakdown? God pulled me through one of the hardest years I've ever had and it just comes to show that His love and His mercy are greater than any obstacle that one comes across.
Well, as a friend would say, I persevered and (as I say) I finally listened to God. Everything I went through led me to the breakthroughs that I had this month; the breakthroughs that I will continue to explore this upcoming year.
Thank you all sharing this year (either all of it or some of it) with me and I look forward to sharing the rest of my adventure with you in 2018.
Have a happy New Year, everyone! Stay safe and may God bless you all! :D
2 comments:
Here's to a happier 2018 for you, Emmy!!!
Thank you, Catherine! May God bless you this year!
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