This blog didn't end up the way I intended but you're welcome to read my ramblings anyway. :)
I can't believe it's been three years since my dad passed away. Three years ago exactly today. I still think it's quite interesting that he died on the feast day of St. Benedict of Nursia who is a patron saint for dying people. I've already written about my feelings two days before he passed, about the day he died on this blog post as well as a more detail account of my father's reversion in this issue of Envoy Magazine so I won't repeat it.
The last three years have gone by really fast. I'm starting to forget things like the way he sounded when he spoke as well as his facial expressions. I remember my favorite memories of him and I've nearly completely forgotten all the bad ones (which is good). We're now very used to our new life... but it still feels weird. I occasionally still think (when I'm half asleep) that he's going to get home from dropping off mom from work in the morning... even though that is now my responsibility. I've honestly forgotten the routine we had (as a family) prior to his passing. I'm not going to dwell on this though; I'm going to talk about the positive things that this anniversary have brought.
Though I have been in a completely foul mood (though this is a combination of nosy neighbors and the anniversary happening at once) and a lot of my worst traits have come up (like completely shutting down when I'm angry), I feel like this is a good thing. Never have I ever been more hyper-aware of my actions and words. With all the negative coming out, I've been able to pinpoint what I have to work on as well as what I can do to either prevent it or how to deal with things in a better way. A lot of times I think about my dad and how he dealt with things and I adjust both my thinking and actions accordingly. To be honest, in a way I feel like I'm getting ready for the next step God wants me to take. I've been feeling it since last month but the feeling has gotten stronger lately. I don't know what that next step is (possibly career related since I am looking for a job still) but I'm definitely changing for the better.
I haven't been attending daily Mass (though I really, really want to) as of late but I've been getting in the habit of praying for others. You know, actually praying for others instead of just saying I will. Let's be honest, most of us do this: we say we'll pray for someone but then we get sidetracked and never actually do it. Intention is there but we stink at the execution of the intention. I usually get everyone in the day's Rosary and, if I get late requests, I save them for the next day. If they are urgent or unique, I do it individually instead with the Rosary. Sometimes I get 20-25 requests on Twitter and Facebook (especially when I post something about it) and sometimes I only have one prayer request so I add people who haven't been asked me for prayer request but still feel the urge to pray for them. (side note: You can always tweet/DM me or post a request on the FB page.) I've been offering up the anxiety I've had up for the more urgent requests... and it's all done me a world of good. My anxiety's been down (hopefully I didn't just jinx myself, lol) and I generally just feel better. I try to do at least one act of charity (even when I'm in a bad mood) anonymously. I actually prefer that no one knows what I do or for who. :) And, as I mentioned in the last blog post, I used to get ridiculed for wanting to help but now I don't have that fear so I am doing more and more.
I've found myself drawn to praying in front of the tabernacle more often as well. Due to my anxiety, I haven't been attending Mass as often as I want (though the last two times were successful) but I'm definitely in "must pray" mode for the most part. And, before anyone asks again, yes, I am sure my vocation is not a religious one. lol. If I can sit in front of the crucifix on my bedroom wall and just pray, I'm happy. There are some days when I don't feel very close to God but it's a struggle I'm happy to work through.
As for other positive changes: I'm slowly becoming less selfish and more charitable. My temper has gotten a workout lately (I don't like people trying to pry into my personal life) but I've noticed that a couple of things could've been prevented and that I brought some of it onto myself so I don't have anyone to blame but myself in those situations. I'm still learning (I truly believe we never stop learning nor bettering ourselves) and these things have really opened up my eyes to my actions. All of these things are connected to my dad but I won't say how because I want to honor him. Let's just say that even though he's gone, he's still teaching me about what is important and how to act in certain situations. :)
Anyway, this was more of a rambling than anything. Not exactly what I planned but things rarely go as planned. :) Before I go I will say: daddy, we still love and miss you terribly but we know you're in a better place. And, thank you for continuing to help shape the young woman that I am. You may not be here to scold me or to encourage me but I still remember that the last thing you told me was that you trusted me and my decisions and I'll carry that with me for the rest of my life. <3
I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :) And don't forget to send me those prayer requests!
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D