A Week Without Social Media: Coming to Terms With My Insignificance

Just a quick note before I begin: I've decided to modify my blogging days during Lent. I'll be blogging every day, Mondays through Fridays, with the weekend off to catch up on anything left over from the week (e.g. emails). That way I don't burn myself out writing, too.

I know some of you are wondering how it's been now that I've gone a full week without social media. Has it been hard? Has it been easy? Did I crack yet? Was I able to go through with my plans to avoid social media on Sundays as well? Y'all... it's only been a week! lol. Having said that, I've had some interesting insights that may change the way I use social media from now on.

In all honesty, it's been an adjustment I've needed to get used to but it's far easier than I had anticipated. I've been using Facebook since 2004, when it was called The Facebook and you needed a college/university email to join the site (Santa Monica College alum over here). Before that, I used Myspace from their early days (2003) until about my reversion in 2006. I've been an active Twitter user since January 2008, with only a couple of months off in late 2017.

Social media has been a part of my life for my entire adult life -- nearly 16 years and counting. I was 18 years in 2003 when Myspace began. I was 19 when I joined Facebook in 2004. I joined Twitter as a 22-year-old. Basically, my late teens into early 30s have been spent using social media to communicate with others... and meet new friends. Still, it wasn't until perhaps my early to mid-20s when "Catholic Twitter" began that the addiction took hold.

I'm not blaming Catholic Twitter for my social media addiction. Enough research has been made to present us the cold, hard facts that social media and smartphone developers have purposely "brain hacked" us into becoming addicted to both. I have books I can recommend if you want to read for yourself but a quick Google search will bring up some of the articles for those who don't want or have the time to read long books on the subject.

I have so many fond memories of the OG Catholic Twitter members and of Matthew Warner compiling a list of all of few "openly Catholic" accounts on Twitter. So many of us met offline. Some of my now-best friends were people I met in those early days. Some of these people met, fell in love, and married thanks to early Catholic Twitter days. As the years passed, so many of the "OG" members have abandoned the platform because of all the drama. For those of us who were around in the early days (2008-2010), we know how much different it was then; how we miss the "golden age of Catholic Twitter."

Being away from social media this week, I was surprised at how, well, comfortable I felt without it. It was like going back home. It's sort of like when you revisit somewhere or something you used to love as a child and you have all those wonderful memories of it flooding back to you. That's how it feels.

In fact, I had this moment while praying the Rosary when these words flowed out of mind and heart. I wrote them down on a piece of paper on Saturday night because I felt they were important for me to remember later on.

"This break without social media, as well as the regular blogging, reminds me of my early reversion days; how hungry I was for the faith and for being "all in" in my relationship with God. Becoming an urban hermit is giving me a renewal of faith I haven't felt in a long time. I've been on Twitter since January '08; 11 years. I may keep my acccount as is (now) long after Lent, maybe checking my messages and replies 1-2 times a month."

It's amazing. This no social media and regular blogging has reminded me of my early reversion days (circa 2006 - 2008). In those days, I went by Miss CNW (Catholic Nerd Writer) and was anonymous. I wrote about my experience returning to the Faith after being away from the Church from ages 13 through 21. As I wrote in the note to myself, I had a real hunger to completely devote myself to learning as much as I could about the faith. Since I was anonymous online, I didn't have this immense pressure (which, admittedly, I put on myself) to be this "perfect Catholic." It was just me and this new, exciting journey in which I devoted myself to rebuilding my relationship with God.

Somewhere along the line, I lost sight of that. I became more preoccupied with doing things "the right way" because I wanted to live up to people's (or my own) unrealistic expectations of what I was supposed to be like or how I was supposed to behave. Y'all may know what I mean: you try to present the positive aspects while covering the ugly. I've written the good and bad but the ego and the "likes" on social media definitely affected how I used social media as well as what I blogged about.

(Side note: If you ever wondered what life was pre-social media addiction, my first novel, Will and Lina: When Two Worlds Collide, is loosely based on what my adventures were like... minus a Will. Also, the sequel, Will and Lina: London Calling, is more fiction than truth. And, no, I get no commission -- aside from royalty payments -- if you click on those links and order either books. Just normal links to novels.)

Taking a break from social media and regularly blogging has been a much-needed breath of fresh air for me. It has renewed that fire in my soul to detach myself from the world, reform my prideful ways, and devote myself to God as much as possible without becoming a religious sister (not my vocation).

Of course, I can never recreate what my early reversion days were like. I will never be that wide-eyed, unjaded 21-22-year-old who had a lot of learning to do. I'm now a 33-year-old young woman who knows more about the beauty and glory of the Church but still have so much left to learn. Since I began my blog, I've graduated from college... I've gone after two more degrees... I've suffered personal highs and lows... I've lost my father to cancer. All of that has changed who I am, but perhaps not as drastically as what social media has done to me.

I honestly don't want to return to social media... though I know I have to keep using it for work. I may just check my messages once a week or twice a month but I can't imagine ever going back. I think both the influence of my best friend (who logs into social once every couple of months and just to check any mentions) and the Holy Spirit opening my eyes have gotten me to this place. Of course, I know the "danger" of that is that people will stop following my accounts because, "Well, if she's not going to read my tweets or interact with me, why should I keep following her?" However -- and I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful -- I don't care.

I don't care if I lose followers on social media. The "likes" and "retweets" will no longer have any sway with me. Frankly, my pride would be wounded... and that would be completely wonderful because it would remind me that I'm nobody important or special. I'm just an ordinary young woman who likes to write. That's it.

My life is nothing extraordinary. In fact, it's absolutely dull. I completely appreciate that you, lovely readers, take time out of your days to read my ramblings but I feel like I don't have much to offer that is unique. There are so many other writers who are better than I am; who have better content to offer.

I recognize that God has given me a gift for writing and words because I've had people telling me that... but I don't want to get caught up in thinking about it. If I do, that's when pride creeps in and it spoils the gift God has given me. And, no, I'm not saying this as a way to fish for compliments. It's just how I feel.

So, how am I feeling a week into my "no social media" Lenten penance? Wonderful! It feels like I've been freed from being a slave to it. It has been, without a doubt, the best decision that I've made in recent months. I won't go back to using social media as I used to. I don't want the egoism, the drama, or the poor decisions made using social media. The penance part is all interior -- reminding myself of my unworthiness and insignificance in the world because, let's be honest, the numbers go to our heads... or, at the very least, they did to me.

We'll see how things go next week because this week begins the second phase of my social media and smartphone "break-up." Wish me luck. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and that you have a great week!

As always, thank you so much for reading!

Why September, God? And What About My Vocation?

September has been associated with my spiritual life since my reversion. Well, really, since my baptism.

I was baptized on September 1st, 1985 in my hometown of Los Angeles, CA when I was only 3 months old.

I officially reverted to the faith during the first week of autumn, September 2006, when I was 21.

I saw on the "On This Day" Facebook memories that I had written, "I hear you, God. Loud and clear" on this day 4 years ago.

This year, I've been going through a major spiritual awakening (if I can call it that) that heavily involves our Blessed Mother.

I dislike summer (oh, how I really dislike it) and I start counting down the days until the autumn season official begins starting in July-August. I used to think that it was because I loved school and fall semester was the start of the academic year. It was either that or perhaps because I disliked summer very much due to my terrible memories associated with it (past illnesses, my father's death, etc.). Now I'm thinking that perhaps there's something more.

As I said, this year it seems like my major growth will involve our Blessed Mother. This is something that, like my reversion, began in June but isn't really becoming clear until this month. It started with my consecration but it's been building up steadily over the past couple of weeks/months.

Earlier this week, I posted a tweet which somehow blew up (I've never had that many "likes" or "retweets" before) based on an experience I had.

I love the looks of horror on people's faces when I say all I want is to be a wife and mother someday; that I'd be more than content doing just that.

No, I'm not "aiming low" nor will I be "throwing my life away." But thank you for your concern.

— Melissa Cecilia (@MelissaCeciliaG) September 16, 2018

This is actually something I've been wanting to write about for a while but, for whatever reason, I never did until a couple of days ago.

Upon some very heavy (and prayerful) reflection, I realized just how much I desire to be a wife and mother. I mean, I've known this was what I've felt called to as my ultimate vocation but it didn't really settle into my heart until a few weeks ago. I want nothing more in this life than to get married, have a family, and completely dedicate myself to taking care of them; to doing what I can to ensure that they all make it to Heaven at the end of their lives.

However, I haven't been able to voice this without opposition... even within my own household. I get these comments about how I'll be throwing away my life; how I would be throwing away my entire education (and how my student loans will never pay themselves off) if I devoted myself to having and raising a family. I get told that having a career is more important; that if I don't have one and I get stuck with a deadbeat husband who will cheat on me and eventually divorce me, I'll have nothing to fall back on and support my own family. All of these things I've heard throughout my entire life -- ever since I was a little girl -- and they instilled a major fear in me that I haven't been able to shake off until recently.

This is where our Blessed Mother comes into my life. I've come to slowly lose that fear through my recent devotion to praying the Angelus; to the reflections I have when I meditate on her fiat. Without knowing what was ahead, she said, "Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it done to me according to thy word." (Luke 1:38, DRA) Even writing it now, I feel myself wanting to tear up because it's so beautiful. She said "yes" to God's will and His plans without fear... which is something I've sadly been unable to do in my own vocation discernment.

I see what a beautiful witness she is to the world. She was so humble and (to those who don't recognize what an important role she played in humanity's salvation) she did "nothing extraordinary." She was a wife and a mother, taking care of her household and of her family. It seems like such an ordinary life -- and, in that sense, it was -- but she did extraordinary things in her simplicity and humility. The more I think about it and about her life, the more I aspire to become more like her. Of course, I will never get anywhere close to being like her but I can by trying to be the best wife and mother I can be. 

Yes, there is the little hitch that I'm still woefully single. If I'm completely honest, I fought the idea of dating for as long as I could because of those fears so many women instilled in me -- that finding good, faithful men was impossible; that I should just resign myself to the idea that I would get hurt by them and thus make myself strong for the inevitable. What a horrible, jaded, and fearful view I had of the vocation of marriage. No wonder I was always reluctant to date.

Full disclosure: I actually didn't go on my first real date until a couple of weeks ago, for that same reason. Yes, I'm 33 but I didn't go on my first date because of that lifelong fear. It took a lot for me to work up the nerve to allow myself to date and to say "Yes" to God's will for my life. I'm done worrying about what could happen. I'm going to fully trust God to lead me to the right man and to not fear my vocation. (side note: there's still no fella in my life, despite the date, but the hope remains!)

All of this is happening in the month of September. Why September, God? And what about my vocation? I don't even know where to start with that... well, beyond preparing myself for when the time comes. Even then, there's only so much I can do on my own.

Please say a prayer for me, y'all. I feel like God (through our beautiful Mother) is helping me shed fears and awakening something in my heart that has been dormant for a long time. Besides a deep yearning for going to daily Mass and immersing myself in learning more about the vocation of wife and of motherhood (using Mama Mary and various saints as examples), I feel like God is doing some major work in my interior life that is just about to radically change my life.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing this with y'all. I have no "Written Wednesday" update for you this week because EpicPew still hasn't posted what I wrote last week and I don't know when the other two sites (CatholicChemistry and Verily Magazine) will post the articles I've written for them as well. I'll keep you updated. ;)

I hope you are all having a lovely week thus far! And, if you're observing Ember Days like I am, keep going! It's only 2 more days after this. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Oh! Hi, 1000th Blog Post!

Hello and welcome to my 1,000th blog post.

"Whaaaat?" That was my reaction when I posted the last blog post and saw that it was the last one in the triple digits. I can't believe I've written a thousand posts in the span of 9 years and (almost) 5 months. Crazy! Honestly, I can't believe I've kept this blog this long. I thought I would keep it for a couple of months or no more than maybe 2 years, tops but, here I am... still writing.

Those who've been reading this blog since the beginning (or, at least, within the first year of its inception), have gone through so much growth with me. When I started this blog, I was involved with someone whom I still in keep in touch with on occasion but is no longer one of the most important people in my life. I haven't really talked about my personal life since and have vowed not to until there's a wedding looming.

You've read about my struggles as an undergraduate, as a graduate student, and now in my academic limbo state. You've read about what I suffered when I was at the CINO college (now university) -- how much the professors made me cry for having an orthodox and "traditional" view of Catholicism. You've read my indecision about what to study; where to study.

You've been with me through my father's final cancer diagnosis... through the last months of his life... through his reversion to the faith (his 24th birthday present to me) two months before his death... through his death and burial... and through that first year in which I was emotionally numb...

You've been with me through illnesses and financial difficulties... through my lowest points... through my car accident... through my bouts of spiritual dryness (which I am currently undergoing again)... the craziness that was most of my 20s (I started this blog when I was 22!) into my early 30s (I turn 32 at the end of this month)...

You've also seen me at my best. You've read the joy it was to graduate from college after years of putting it off to help take care of my father (or myself)... the first time I was published in a Catholic publication... when I started my freelance writing career... when my first (and second) novel was published... when I was accepted to all three of my top graduate program choices...

We're going on 9 and a half years of this adventure together. Some of you have been reading since the beginning. Some of you have joined later on. Some of you are still new to this blog. It doesn't matter when you started following, you're still a part of this journey with me.

I still don't understand why anyone would want to read what I have to write. I'm no one extraordinary. I'm actually quite boring. I'm just your average gal who decided, on Christmas Day 2007, to write about her life and her journey through learning about Catholicism. I'm still learning. I'm actually going through sort of re-reversion period right now. I promise to explain this, and thoroughly, at some point in the future because it's a long story.

I want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for your prayers and support throughout the years/months/weeks/days. I've come to close to shutting down this blog but, somehow, someone always seems to message me and encourage me to keep going so I do.

I have a lot of really, really, really exciting things coming up in my life in the near future. I will give y'all clues: London. Writing. Career. Discernment. Vocation/Relationship. Reversion. Travel. Possibly another degree. Rediscovery. Faith. I will write about these things at some point; most likely as I'm about to embark on them or when I'm deep enough into it that I can talk about it.

Stick around because I'm apparently not done writing yet. I'm sorry. lol. Oh, the writer in me. ;)

That's it for now. I have a lot of things to do today but I wanted to take a little break to write this post.  My 1,000th post. Nope, it hasn't sunk in yet. lol.

Oh! Before I go, I was wondering if I could bother y'all for some prayers. As I've shared before, I've had pancytopenia (low red and white blood cells as well as low platelets) on-and-off for years and tomorrow I'll have 18 (!) vials of blood drawn for the most thorough blood work they've ever done on me. They're testing everything -- vitamins, minerals, complete CBC, bone marrow, clotting, lupus, and seemingly any and all tests to rule things out a blood disorder or the presence of antibodies in my system. Thankfully, I won't have to fast but it's still a lot of blood. I've been feeling a little more weak/fatigued than usual lately so I'm a little worried about all the vials that will be taken. I would greatly appreciate any prayers you can spare. I just don't pass out or have any complications from the blood draw. I also hope for good news with the results because I'm tired of always feeling tired because of the anemia. Thank you in advance!

Alright, I gotta go do errands and try to find some good carne asada because I need to really prepare for tomorrow. All the iron-rich foods! lol. ;)

I hope y'all are having a lovely week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

2016: The Year This Nerd Learned to Trust

Oh, 2016... what a roller coaster year it was. I had so many lows but the highs were what made this year and what I went through worthwhile. Who knew that the lessons I learned during Lent -- on controlling my temper, doing things in moderation, rearranging priorities, letting go of perfection, and, finally, on increasing my trust in God -- would help me grow throughout the year, in a big way. Everything from the mess our former building manager left to being completely aimless for a while only helped me grow closer to the Lord.

The reoccurring theme for me this year was learning to let go and trust God wholeheartedly, even when I couldn't see the end of the tunnel in certain situations. I had to face my fears and deal with doubts I was having regarding my vocations. It took a lot of patience and prayer to get through some of the most difficult times. Taking big decisions to prayer was what kept me sane this year.

I went through a long period of spiritual dryness which began during the summer and didn't end until about early October. In the middle of that dryness, I was able to forgive some of the worst offenses ever done to me. The low point was falling into depression in late summer when I was emotionally vulnerable after recognizing signs that I was in friendships (yes, plural) that were not good for me or for the other person involved. I almost shut down this blog when I was at the lowest point in my depression but I'm glad that I stuck it out and continued to write. I actually still dealt with letting go of friendships up until a couple of days ago. I'm happy to report that it ended well. I still pray for these people and I have absolutely no ill will towards them because of the good they brought into my life but God helped me see why it was better to go our separate ways.

During the first half of the year, I had to fall back to half-time in grad school before I had to leave it completely. I ended up returning to finish my second Bachelor's degree in a different field (speech pathology) and am now about halfway through the program. I absolutely loved my time in grad school because I immersed myself in Biblical Theology but God knows why I wasn't meant to finish the Master's degree in it. For a couple of weeks during the summer, I considered letting both paths go and return to my former life but I saw why it wouldn't have been a good idea. I'm happy with the path I'm on now and I can see why this is where God wants me to be.

As for the other vocation, I "dated" myself... meaning I got to know myself better. Accepting that I'm a highly sensitive person really helped me avoid stimulus that would've made my anxiety levels go through the roof and, I believe, helped me avoid panic attacks throughout the year... which came in handy when I began to become more social in the second of the year. Yes, my mother still brings up the fact that I'm still unmarried. I'm still keeping my ninja status in this area but I will say that I'm very happy about how the year is ending on this front and I'm looking forward to seeing what 2017 brings.

As for my health, I had a lot of ups and downs. This summer was especially hard. I had to deal with the return of anemia as well as a kidney infection and an eventual acute kidney injury. Palpitations and heart worries were something I dealt with for months during the second half of the year. At the beginning of the year, I felt like I was too busy for self-care but I ended up embracing it as the year ended. Unplugging and quieting the world during Lent was amazing but something I didn't do again during the year. Sure, I had moments in which I was able to remember why it's so important to step away from social media but I still didn't do it as much as I would've liked. A continued goal for 2017? I think so!

One of the biggest fears I worked through was offending people and pushing them away with my thoughts. I'd been accused of "too pious" in how I looked at things but I knew that I had to write what I felt and how I looked at things from a more "conservative" side. I started by telling y'all why I threw away my Meg Cabot books. At the end of the year, I was able to finally push those fears aside and allow myself to post what I wanted. Post about mental and emotional purity that a lot of people had a massive cow over, anyone? Yes, it took almost the entire year before I made the big change, but, hey, I was able to do it. We'll just have to see what I have the guts to write about next year. ;)

My biggest failure this year as, undoubtedly, how little I went to Mass. I stunk at going to Mass, especially with everything I had going on throughout the year. I actually teared up yesterday while praying the Rosary, because I still feel like a failure and a horrible Catholic for not going to Mass. Something always came up and then I second guessed whether I should've tried harder to get to Mass. Biggest goal in 2017? Get my tush to Mass! It was my main petition during the St. Andrew Christmas novena for a reason. Oh, if you're wondering... I was able to attend Mass twice during Advent. I didn't go to Mass last weekend for Christmas. The reasons for my poor attendance? I was sick and in pain... I couldn't breathe and felt too dizzy/lightheaded to drive (and no one else in this house drives)... I was having stomach problems... sometimes I even had random panic attacks. Yes, all legitimate but still, something I need to find a priest and talk to him about since I haven't had a spiritual director in over a year. Thankfully, I got to Mass a bit more often, a big reason for that was because of the encouragement I received from the young adult group I joined in October.

Looking back at everything, it seems like things came full circle in most areas of my life. I debated and rejected returning to the career path I had been on prior to my reversion. The summer began with a lot of trips to the hospital, just like the summer that I reverted, only this year they didn't go beyond the summer (follow-ups not included). I find it funny that this all happened because I celebrated a decade since my reversion to the faith this year. Bonus: I also returned to my alma mater to take my proctored exams. Who saw that coming? Not me!

God truly blessed me this year. He kept surprising me when I feared things wouldn't get better. After learning to let go of my need to control things and surrender my selfishness, things changed for me. My life changed. I was even called "bubbly" for the first time in over a decade... and it was a genuine and positive compliment. Resigning myself to do God's will, even when it's incredibly difficult and I'm petrified of not being strong enough to endure the trials, was the best decision I made this year. I'm sure a combination of what I learned during Lent in addition to the graces I received during the 54-day Rosary novena were what helped me mature and grow in my relationship with God. I hope to continue seeing its fruit into 2017 and beyond.

To those who've stuck with me all year and those who joined my journey during the year, I wanted to say "thank you." Your prayers, encouraging words, and challenges (done in a civil manner) have helped make me the person I am today. Who I was at the beginning of the year is someone I barely recognize... and I'm grateful for all the positive changes you've all helped me embrace. :) Here's to another year and (dare I dream?) better 2017! Verso l'alto! ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless you all in 2017! :D

MuteMath and My Official Reversion: Our 10-Year Anniversary

Yes, I'm totally procrastinating right now... though I'm using this as my excuse to do my weekly writing for the Revolution of Love link-up. ;) Yes, I should be doing the homework assignment due tonight, which is the Weiss Intelligibility Test on a child. Yes, I've technically already completed it but I need to go over it and make sure it's done properly. Yes, it's been almost a full week since my last post. Mea culpa to it all. ;)

I wanted to write this quick blog post because I had a sudden urge to listen to MuteMath's self-titled/debut album this afternoon, specifically the song "Chaos." As I was driving, listening to the song, I remembered how this album is intrinsically linked to my official reversion a decade ago. I don't remember the official date of my official reversion. The seeds were planted June 2006 but I didn't fully commit to returning to the Church until the last week of September 2006. I want to say it was between September 24th and 26th. Those dates are sticking out in my mind but I'm not sure on what specific date I made things "official." This album, MuteMath, was released on September 26, 2006. See why I say they're linked? I actually listened to "Chaos" and loved the song before I listened to the entire album. I couldn't understand why the lyrics hit so close to home at the time -- I was still trying to figure out my thoughts and feelings -- but there was a reason why the song was sticking out.

Here's a sample of the lyrics to "Chaos":
"Chorus:
I know you stay true when my world is false
Everything around's breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
Everything around's breaking down to chaos

It's hard to trust anyone again
After all the let downs I've been through
Haunted by what I've been through
Air still trapped while I still can't breathe
And I'm screaming out
Give me hope somehow
And I know, yeah I know, yeah

(Chorus)..."

What I later found out was that MuteMath -- though they don't label themselves as a Christian band and will say they're not one -- is composed of musicians who just happen to be Christian. When I learned this, and went back and really listened to the lyrics, I saw why this album was the perfect companion to my reversion; the songs can easily be interpreted in terms of one's relationship with God and our faith.

When I wrote the blog post about why I stopped making plans -- serendipitously posted on September 24th, which may be the exact date of my official reversion -- the song "Control" came to mind, especially the following lyrics:

 "Move me up through the darkest clouds
'Til I've lost in the sun every shadow of doubt
There is no better find than to find myself with you
In a fog you are all I see
I'm inviting you closer with each time I breathe
Surrender has somehow become so beautiful..."

Paul, the singer/writer, said the song was: "... my 4-minute sprint to get as far away as I can from everything that compels me to maintain control. My very nature wants me to play life as though it's a chess match against circumstances. Always thinking 20 moves ahead can be exhausting. This song is nothing short of an urgent prayer to find rest."

I've actually never seen this band perform live -- something always happens to prevent me from going to one of their L.A. shows -- but I've still loved their music and this album hasn't left my CD player (I didn't get an mp3 player until I was 23, Christmas of 2008) and then iPod touch since I purchased it. That's 10 years of beautiful memories attached to certain songs; different songs evoke different memories and different phases of my first 2 years of reversion.

I found that someone uploaded the entire album up on YouTube. It's been up for over a year and hasn't been taken down so I'm assuming it's okay to post/share it. If not, I'll take it down. Either way, I'm going to share it because it played such a huge part of my reversion.



Happy (belated) 10th anniversary MuteMath! Thank you for the wonderful memories and for always reminding me of the lovely journey I've been on since my official reversion.

Giving Up For the Greater Good

Recently I had the opportunity to return to the career path I was on prior to my reversion. Over the last several weeks I seriously considered it. Little by little, the path appealed to me to the point where I couldn't see anything else that would be fulfilling, career-wise. It would allow me to use my creativity. I would have the opportunity to work with great people to bring to life an amazing project. The good things about my life pre-reversion were highlighted, forgetting the struggles and obstacles I came across that eventually made me leave that life.

About a week ago was when the excitement reached its height. It looked like it was going to happen... I even began telling a few of my closest friends about it. I began to drop little hints to other friends I trusted. The more I talked about it, the more it felt like I was committing to it. "I don't want to talk about it and eventually not do it," I told myself. "That would be disappointing and would make me look flaky and/or scared." Still, the more committed I felt to going through with it, the more distant I felt from the faith. I eventually told those I trusted more about it because I wasn't in a good place and I needed prayer.

I felt no peace while considering this career path. It gave me an emotional adrenaline which I can only describe as the feeling you get at the top of a rollercoaster prior to the big drop -- all nerves yet excitement as you wait to take that plunge. My mind raced with so many thoughts and ideas. My energy levels were indescribably high. There was an added element that I won't get into but let's just say that it played a big role in this whole thing.

I knew I was in trouble when I had to start hiding the fact that my faith has been a big part of my life for the past decade. Yes, you read that right. Not only was I trying to downplay being Catholic, I also felt like I wasn't fit to be a Catholic any longer. Without going into too many details, let's just say that a priest made me feel as if I were a lost cause; like there was no point in my being a Catholic any longer. I don't know whether I misinterpreted him or if he didn't communicate his ideas properly but it's been the second time in less than a year that he's played a role in my questioning and doubting my commitment to living my life as a faithful Catholic -- like I just don't have what it takes to try to reach Heaven.

During this journey, I've felt completely empty. I've felt so far from God and from the Church... well, you guys read the last blog post, right? It was nothing compared to how lonely and empty I eventually ended up feeling a couple of days after the last blog post. I felt like I hit rock bottom. Bl. Mother Teresa and St. Therese of Lisieux's dark nights of the soul kept coming to mind. I went to confession and Mass and that helped... for only that little while. The days following it, I felt worse. I've forced myself to keep praying even though I've felt like a robot going through the motions.

Over the last 2-3 days, I began to reconsider the decision to return to the field. There was something about it that wasn't sitting well with me. I began seeing that I was falling back into my old habits that caused me a lot of trouble and that I'd worked so hard to get rid post-reversion. My spiritual life, my heart, and my very soul were in danger. There's a reason why I left this life behind and I was being reminded of it.

The less I thought about returning to the path, the more at peace I felt. This morning I couldn't sleep (I only got 3 hours of sleep). I had too much on my mind. Thankfully my wingman was up super early as well and we talked about everything I was going through. He suggested I put the breaks on the project to see how I felt. A few hours later, I made the decision to walk away. I felt an inner peace when I decided to update friends on the decision.

I'm not saying that I'm never going to return to this career path but I'm not ready right now. I'm still too susceptible to the dangers (hidden and obvious) in the field. With how anemic my spiritual life has been lately, it would've potentially destroyed whatever is keeping me from giving up on being a faithful Catholic. Perhaps I needed to go through all of this to remind me of what I've gone through in the past decade (since it's been a decade since my reversion) and how much life has been better since I left my previous life behind. Perhaps all of this was meant to make me see that I truly don't ever want to return in case more tempting offers come along my way in the future. All I know is that I had to walk away from it to save myself. I gave up something I love (once again) in order for something greater -- the chance to potentially reach Heaven one day.

Intellectually, I know my goal is to reach Heaven but I'm still feeling empty. While I've felt a peace about letting go of that amazing opportunity I was considering, I still feel like I'm going through a dark night of the soul -- I still feel empty, alone, completely cut off from God and the Church. I know I shouldn't always listen to what I'm feeling because feelings can be false and trip you up which is why I'm still praying, albeit my sheer willpower because I have absolutely no desire to do it.

Thank you to all of you who've prayed for me thus far. If you can keep me in your prayers, I'd gladly appreciate it. I'm not sure how long all of this apathy and emptiness will last but I'm not ready to give up yet. Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel like giving up but I don't. For the record: when I talking about giving up, I'm talking about faith matters. I'm not suicidal or anything like that.

Alright, I'm going to go do something. I'm not sure what just yet, I just know I don't want to stay online for much longer.

I hope y'all have been well.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

Cutting the Outside Noise

I had a sort of "screen-free" two day break in which texts went unanswered and there was no activity from me on either Facebook or Twitter. I got the idea after re-reading a novel I'm now going to call my guilty pleasure. What I didn't expect was a very eye-opening (are we sick of that buzzword yet?) experience. Well, just the latest one because I've been having so many of them lately.

During my screen-free break, I worked on my family tree (and ended up discovering the names of my 4th and 5th great-grandparents from the late 1700s!) After I was done with that, I just felt like taking a trip down memory lane and it ended up being the best decision I've made in recent months.

I ended up reconnecting with, well, I'll say an "old friend" during a trip down memory lane. For years (yes, years) I've felt like there have been a few things that have been "off." Every time I felt like I was "myself" once again, something threw me for a loop and I ended up back to square one. I've been dealing with anger, impatience, frustration, and a general feeling of disconnect. I've felt it since my father's death. I can pinpoint most of it to that event. Enter my "old friend."

The conversation went something like this:
Me: I miss the old me.
O.F.: What do you mean?
Me: Do you remember what I used to be like when I was like 19-20? What words would you have used to describe me back then?
O.F.: Hmm... dreamy, romantic, a dreamer... thoughtful, gentle, emotional, deep, and very sensitive.
Me: But I'm so different now. I'm nothing like that.
O.F.: You can get that part of yourself back. She's in there... you just need to cut out all the outside noise. (pause, after I started internalizing things.) That dreamy, idealistic girl... she's not gone, she's just hiding.

It dawned on me that I was letting a lot of the "outside noise" alter me without really realizing. I mean, I've sort of realized that lately (and I think you can see some of that in my latest blog posts) but it didn't really hit me just how much until tonight.

I seriously considered shutting down this blog as well as my social media accounts for a split second. The last time I "cut all the noise" was when I was able to be myself without censoring myself or being fearful of what others said to and thought about me. For those of you who've read the first novel I wrote (When Two Worlds Collide), let's just say that was talked about at the end of Chapter 17 actually happened to me. That year or so that I was off social media and it was really hard to get a hold of me? Bliss. Of course, I cut out more than the online noise in those days. My "friends" then were terrible. The friends I have now are super lovely so I can't really go off and disappear like I did last time. I'm quite determined to do a modified version of what I was forced to do back then... only this time it's more voluntary and being done for my own good.

I think accepting the fact that I'm a highly sensitive person and that I do need to cut some of the outside noise that has been causing some inner turmoil has given me the courage to say "okay, I know I thrive when I can just do my thing and cut out all the outside noise (side note: 'sup, new buzzword?) so I'm just going to go for it."

I know I often say that I'm going to limit my time online and that lasts for only a couple of weeks but now I sort of have my old friend to keep me accountable... and hopefully a little busy. Yes, I remember what I used to do back then; how I didn't need the internet or social media.

Do you ever feel like your life has come full circle with a lot of things? It's the 10th anniversary since my reversion. I went through a lot of illnesses/health scares a month ago. A lot of that felt like deja vu to summer of 2006. Now, with the old friend, it feels like I'm getting a second chance to get that right as well. It's almost like I'm getting a second chance to do a lot of things differently so I can finally move on from this plateau I've been stuck on for the past decade. Maybe I'm being silly or I'm reading too much into it but it does feel like God is saying "take everything you've learned and keep moving forward. It's time."

Anyway, it's almost midnight and I have my prayers to get through so I should go. :) If y'all can please say a prayer for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Let's just say that tomorrow I'm going to face yet another thing that had a major impact in my life when I was younger and I'm going to need both a lot of courage and charity to get through the next two days or so. Thank you in advance!

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I Began Reverting to the Faith a Decade Ago This Month

Mom found an old box with receipts from a decade ago. This wouldn't seem like a big deal -- we all hold onto receipts for a long time -- but it's quite significant for me because the box contains all the doctors and hospital bills I racked up in 2006-2007. The bulk of it was from the summer of 2006 when they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I still remember it vividly...

Shortly after I turned 21 -- and around the time the 2006 World Cup (in Germany) started -- I began getting seriously sick. I would faint while taking showers. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was constantly nauseous. I had little appetite. I felt like I was going to have heart attacks randomly. I would "black out" (literally see black wash over my eyes) at random times. Blood work always came back fine. I would occasionally be slightly dehydrated but nothing to worry about it. "If she continues like this, she's not going to make it too long," I heard someone tell my parents. 

In those days, no one thought it was severe anxiety and PTSD. In fact, PTSD wasn't diagnosed until several years later. The doctors didn't even consider severe anxiety as a possible diagnosis. No one thought it was because the friends I had were mentally and emotionally abusing me. I didn't realize it myself. After a stint in the hospital (I spent 3 out of 5 days in a single week in and out of the hospital), the girls kept calling and harassing me. My parents were livid to say the least. It wasn't until my mother ordered that my social media accounts (in those days: Facebook and Myspace) be shut down and I cut off everyone (EVERYONE) from my life that things began to improve... but it took months. 

Spoiler alert: if you've read the first Will and Lina novel, this was one of the few things that I personally experienced that I wrote into the book for one of the characters. Candace was based on several of the girls that caused problems for me.

In the meantime, in June 2006, I began praying to St. Jude, the patron of difficult cases. My mom mentioned him. I was up for trying anything at that point. I wasn't remotely religious despite being a "cradle Catholic." I wanted to get well. I wanted them to figure out what was going on with me. I bargained (newbie mistake), if I got better, I'd stay in Los Angeles for school rather than leave for England like it was planned. Though I'd set my heart on Bath Spa University (yes, that's the actual name of it), I would stay put. Bargaining due to being poorly catechized, folks. Whatever. I began to see results. I started getting better. Not only that, my curiosity was intrigued. "You mean prayer works?" The seeds were planted. It was slow but by late September 2006 I'd fully embraced my faith and "officially" returned.

There some things from a decade ago that I want to regain. I feel like I've become overly cautious and serious. I wasn't always like this. I used to be described as "bubbly" and was just slightly more sociable (though always more introverted than extroverted) but I lost that after what I went through with the girls. This is something I've been working on in recent months and will continue to work on. These girls no longer have any power over me and I want to get back those aspects of myself that I miss. Still, I wouldn't trade it for what I've learned. In a weird way, I'm grateful for everything that happened because it's led me to where I am. I like the person I've become. 

I'm happy to say that my reversion back to the faith began 10 years ago this week(ish); definitely this month. I thank God for the journey, even though it's been an incredibly difficult 10 years with my health issues, the death of my father, and all the other stuff that's happened. If my mom hadn't mentioned St. Jude to me one of those nights we were in the E.R. and I hadn't began praying, I'm fairly positive I wouldn't have been here, blogging about this.

Anyway, that's it for now. I just wanted to share this. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to destroying all those ugly memories of the girls who tormented me and the hospital stays I had a decade ago. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

St. Jude, My Reversion Intercessor

Happy feast day of St. Jude (and St. Simon!) For those who haven't been reading this blog long enough, you may not know that St. Jude played a huge role in my reversion. Since I'm crunched for time, I'm going to pull some of my past blog posts to help tell the complete story of how his intercession led to my reversion.

There are some of you who've been reading this blog for almost 8 years now (crazy!) so you may sort of know the story, but not in its entirety. I don't think I've ever written it out completely so... here we go.

I unofficially left the Church shortly after my confirmation at age 13 even though Mass attendance had been sporadic since I was about 11 years old. Yes, I was confirmed early. That itself will get its own blog post on St. Cecilia's feast day since it's also the anniversary of my confirmation. For now, let's just say that I spent the entirety of my teens away from the Church. As I explained in my post about why I remain Catholic (originally posted June 5, 2015), I was "Catholic" without practicing the faith or attending Mass. But I didn't know that I still held onto Catholic values until much later. In that time, I just knew that I was "Catholic" because I had gone through the whole baptism-first communion-confirmation process.

During that time... oh boy. I was going down the wrong path. I listened to terrible advice from people who meant well but really ingrained some terrible habits in me. My teen years (well, 13 through 19) are what I refer to as my "lost years." While I managed to avoid teenage rebellion (seriously, ask my mom) and barely survived my teens in one piece (avoided partying, drinking, drugs, and every other act of teenage debauchery you can think of; didn't even break curfew), there was a lot of damage done, interiorly. I was still going down the wrong path when I entered college but something happened between 19 and 21 that completely changed me.

First, at 19 and 20 was when I began to, basically, mature. It was a slow process (am I done yet? lol) but I began to see that there was more to life than going to concerts three times a week, more than the drama that some people live for, more than what my life was all about. I had received an offer to fully enter the entertainment business at 20 and I declined it. I've always been a people pleaser but 20 was when I began to stick up for myself and to pull myself away from the wrong crowd... and they didn't like that.

The mental and emotional abuse I received from my so-called friends was so bad that I ended up getting sick. I was an abnormally healthy child/teenager so it scared everyone. The doctors couldn't figure out what was going on with me (this was before they began attributing my symptoms to anxiety disorder). At one point (in the summer of 2006; shortly after I turned 21), I ended up in the E.R. three times in 5 days. As originally posted: October 28, 2010: "... I was so sick that things like 'she won't make it' and 'she has little time' were thrown around."

I began to pray for the first time since my teens. Mom was a fan of St. Jude's so I began to pray and ask for his intercession. Because I wasn't properly taught how to pray, I bargained. "Help me get healthier and I'll stay in L.A. for college. I'll go to a Catholic college." (side note: I was England-bound in those days; Bath Spa University was where I would've ended if I hadn't gotten sick and if my dad's cancer hadn't returned.) I somehow began to get healthier within the following two weeks or so, the so-called friends began disappearing, and so I kept my promises.

Having my prayers answered, my curiosity was piqued. What was Catholicism all about? I mean, really? Why were these prayers answered and not my last prayer? The faith of my childhood was so foreign to me at that point. I had wanted to be a nun when I was about 5-7 years old and I loved attending my catechism classes for my first communion but my confirmation was actually what made me step away from the Church. (Again, I'll share this story in a couple of weeks.) My inner academic nerd began researching and eventually it all just clicked for me. I basically renounced all my bad habits (some of which were just... horrifying) and made a personal vow to get rid of them as I learned more about the Faith. That eventually led to a complete 180.

Friends who knew me prior to my reversion can attest to the fact that I'm not the same person I was at 19/20. I mean, my core personality is still the same -- still goofy/silly, a bit reserved (bordering on shy in some situations), sensitive, I still love writing, and I still love helping people. That has never changed. But the little things that they were used to... gone. I'm so grateful to St. Jude for his intercession because it was through that answered prayer that I reverted back to Catholicism.

One more thing... are you wondering how this St. Jude statue got chipped? Here's the shortened version of the story (originally posted: December 27, 2007):
"This story takes place in mid-January 1994. I was about 8 years old at the time and I'd never experienced a real big earthquake before... I felt my dad picking me up from my bed, very abruptly, and I opened my eyes to see (and feel) everything shaking violently. Things were falling off the walls, glasses and china was breaking everywhere, if you've ever experienced an earthquake, you know what I'm talking about. Since this earthquake was a really big one, the lights went out almost immediately after the intense aftershocks started...

I don't remember too many details about what happened during the shaking except that the statue of St. Jude fell as soon as we (my parents and I) reached the doorway and were safe from anything falling on us... I was talking to my mom about... the St. Jude statue in my room. I very faintly remember (or think I remember) St. Jude's statue falling as soon as we got under the doorway and my mom confirmed it. Apparently, while all other things were falling around us there are three things that didn't fall: the statue of Santo Niño, the statue of St. Jude and the big framed picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe which was up on my bedroom wall. Now, the earthquake was a 6.7 on the richter scale, it was pretty intense. Windows shattered just by the shaking, yet the picture did not fall or get hurt in any way...

My mom says they (saints and Our Lady) were all looking out for us... We haven't experienced an earthquake that intense since, thank God, but every time we have experienced smaller earthquake (and/or aftershocks from nearby earthquakes) my mom grabs the St. Jude statues without even thinking about it. My dad grabs the statue of Our Lady and my mom grabs St. Jude... if I don't get to him before she does."

While my dad is no longer with us, we definitely still grab this St. Jude statue (chipped and all) when there's an earthquake / aftershock.

And, for the record, future husband -- I fully intend on giving our first born son the middle name of Jude after St. Jude. You have been warned. :-P

There you go -- the story of my reversion and of why this St. Jude statue (we've been given two more since) is chipped. :D

I hope y'all have a great rest of day and remember that St. Jude is a powerful intercessor that you should definitely not be afraid of reaching out to in difficult cases. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

St. Jude, My Reversion, and Earthquakes

Happy St. Jude (and St. Simon!) feast day! St. Jude is a huge reason why I reverted to the Faith so I thought I'd share the short (read: not detailed) story of how that happened.

Originally posted: October 28, 2010
"First off, I would not be here, writing this blog entry, if it wasn't for his intercession. A couple of years ago (side note: summer of 2006), when I was so sick that things like 'she won't make it' and 'she has little time' were thrown around, I began to pray. It's something I hadn't done in years since I'd drifted away from the Church during my teens. Since my mom was/is a huge St. Jude devotee I decided to ask his intercession. That was the beginning of my reversion... He has since interceded for me, as well as for many of my friends, countless time and I wholeheartedly recommend his novena whenever you're in a bind. I have never, ever, been let down and I don't doubt that if you ask his intercession, and if it's God's will, your prayers will be answered."

Wondering how St. Jude's statue got chipped? Here's the shortened version of the post explaining the story (originally posted: December 27, 2007):
"This story takes place in mid-January 1994. I was about 8 years old at the time and I'd never experienced a real big earthquake before... I felt my dad picking me up from my bed, very abruptly, and I opened my eyes to see (and feel) everything shaking violently. Things were falling off the walls, glasses and china was breaking everywhere, if you've ever experienced an earthquake, you know what I'm talking about. Since this earthquake was a really big one, the lights went out almost immediately after the intense aftershocks started... I don't remember too many details about what happened during the shaking except that the statue of St. Jude fell as soon as we (my parents and I) reached the doorway and were safe from anything falling on us... I was talking to my mom about... the St. Jude statue in my room. I very faintly remember (or think I remember) St. Jude's statue falling as soon as we got under the doorway and my mom confirmed it. Apparently, while all other things were falling around us there are three things that didn't fall: the statue of Santo Niño, the statue of St. Jude and the big framed picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe which was up on my bedroom wall. Now, the earthquake was a 6.7 on the richter scale, it was pretty intense. Windows shattered just by the shaking, yet the picture did not fall or get hurt in any way... My mom says they (saints and Our Lady) were all looking out for us... We haven't experienced an earthquake that intense since, thank God, but every time we have experienced smaller earthquake (and/or aftershocks from nearby earthquakes) my mom grabs the St. Jude statues without even thinking about it. My dad grabs the statue of Our Lady and my mom grabs St. Jude... if I don't get to him before she does."

And those are my stories. I hope those who haven't gotten acquainted with St. Jude will look into his story. Never be afraid to ask for his intercession; he's interceded for me and my friends in big ways in the past. :D

Alright, I have spiritual direction in an hour or so and I need to vamoose. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #34: Millennial "Trad Fad"

I know, I know. It's been a couple of week since I've written one of these WILW posts but most of my Wednesdays have been occupied with studying for exams so I haven't had the chance to write. Since this is my first free Wednesday in weeks (how did that happen?!), I thought I'd spent it writing about something that has irked me lately. I usually break these things up into three parts but I'm only focusing on this one topic this week.

Have you heard of the Millennial "Trad Fad"? You know, the trend in which Millennials immerse themselves in the world of Latin Masses, mantillas/chapel veils, and other pre-Vatican II things. Golly, we Millennials are such hipsters. (side note: don't let the article title fool you; it doesn't actually say that we're hipsters.) I'm kind of hoping that Pope Francis' comments were misunderstood and that he doesn't really think that this is a fad... but I've heard that he's not a big of Latin Masses so I don't know.

I've never shied away from the fact that I really, really miss Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI for several reasons, including the fact that (thanks to him) we've had Summorum Pontificum for 7 years now. Are the alleged quotes from Pope Francis legit? I don't know... but I would be disappointed if they were. For someone who is so welcoming of others and their differences, the quotes made me cringe a little.

I can't speak for others on why they prefer "traditional" Catholicism but I can tell you that many of my fellow Millennials who do have a preference to Latin Masses, chapel veils, incense (aka "smells and bells"), Gregorian chant, etc. don't do it for the fad/trend of it. I've never once heard "ooh, not everyone is into this? I need to do this." A good portion of us were poorly catechized and/or we've reverted/converted to the faith and we've come to these things on our own. Nobody did the thinking for us; we learned to appreciate them on our own. Free will, y'all. I personally looked into some - not all - of the changes that came from the Second Vatican Council while I was at that awful CINO college (because they didn't teach these things; they taught that anything pre-Vatican II was outdated and bordered on evil) so I was able to make my own informed decisions based on my preferences.

When I reverted 8 years ago, no one told me there were different types of Masses... but I still knew that I liked my Masses solemn. When I learned about Latin Masses, I knew I'd found the right fit for me. The clappy-clappy/hand-holding thing has never been for me. Even as a child, I felt obligated to hold people's hands when I didn't want to. I just wanted to focus on what the priest was doing/saying. Part of this was because of my introverted temperament and partly because it just didn't feel right for me. I'm not going to knock it if it works for you but I personally just don't like it. I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this, but I'd appreciate my Masses without a mariachi band or a jazz ensemble. Yes, I endured one *cringe* "jazz Mass" before... and, though I love jazz, it needs to stay far, far away from my Masses. That's just my preference. I like to feel like I'm there to have my time with God, not to feel about all the cringing or be distracted by other things. That's why I love the first Sunday Mass at my parish; my spiritual director and the lovely nuns praying in Latin (with no outside distractions) is such a wonderful way to start my day.

As for chapel veils, I know some of y'all saw the passionate exchange I had with a good friend a couple of weeks ago on Twitter. I won't get into it because there's no reason to but it did inspire me to write about this topic. I veil because I want to. No one is making me do it; no one told me it would make holier... because it doesn't mean squat whether you veil or not if you're not following God's commandments. I made sure I learned the significance of veiling, the custom origin, and it was enough to make me want to do it. Yes, I know -- nerd alert for all the research I've done! Again, no brainwashing; it was a conclusion I arrived to on my own and that I feel most comfortable doing.

I don't veil only when I attend Masses. I also do it when I pray in front of the tabernacle or when alone in a church. I don't always "veil" either. I do keep my head covered but hats and scarves replace veils from time to time. The point is that I cover my head as a symbol of my love and respect for God. It also helps that I always feel like I'm actually there for God; that all sense of pride, arrogance, vanity, all the distractions, etc. get pushed aside. The moment that veil is placed on my head, it literally blocks all earthly distractions from my peripheral view and all I can focus on is on the Mass and/or the tabernacle. Babies -- my biggest Mass distraction -- disappear from view. I am reminded of why I attend Mass and why I believe what I believe.

I do understand that there are people who might be into these things for the wrong reasons. I've heard of "mantilla selfie queens." I haven't actually seen it myself but I've heard that they exist. I've heard of the "holier than thou" crowd. However, they don't represent everyone. Just like a few misguided clergy members (I'm being charitable with my words here) don't represent the entire church, a few "Catholic hipsters" don't represent the rest of us. Give us some credit.

I don't think I really learned anything new this past week other than apparently Millennials who appreciate pre-Vatican II customs are seen as hipsters. At the very least, now y'all sort of know why I do it. Yes, it was a sort of "in a nutshell" explanation but I'll revisit this topic at some point when I don't have too much occupying my mind (aka yes, I have a week off from exams but I'm still trying to keep the info fresh in my mind). :)

That's it for now. I hope y'all are having a great week thus far! If anyone has any prayer intentions, send them my way. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Suddenly Very Grateful For My Reversion

I was originally planning on writing about the huge music overhaul I've been doing but I am not done with yet. Seriously, I'm still stuck with the "E"s and I'm going by alphabetical order. This is what happens when you're a mega music nerd and you buy music (mp3s, vinyl records, CDs...) like crazy. Or used to. Yes, my addiction to iTunes has been curved by the discovery of Spotify. I don't really indulge myself in it as much (okay, buying guitar strings for my acoustic guitar does not count) but I still have years worth of "damage" to sort through. In the mean time, you're going to get this...

I am suddenly very grateful for my reversion. This is connected to the original Music Monday post (which I hope to have up next month), too. See, I was going through the songs and I came across the song "Night and Day" sung by Ella Fitzgerald. This song has a special place in my heart because it was the first song a young man ever dedicated to me. We were 16-17 years old at the time (yes, we were into this kind of music even that far back). Technically, he dedicated the Frank Sinatra version but the song itself reminded me of him. Long story short, the world is small and I ended up finding out that we're still somehow connected. That led to a couple of hours of catching up on how he's been doing... and a realization that I am completely blessed to have reverted back to the Faith a couple of years ago.

Now, this isn't me saying that the guy is horrible or anything like that. He's still the same guy goofy guy I remember from our teenage years. The memories I have of him still bring a smile to my face. While it's doubtful that we'll ever have the friendship we had a decade ago (I'm happy to use the phrase "too religious" to describe myself in this case), it's nice to stroll down memory lane. He was a solid friend (especially when my boyfriend at the time wasn't the nicest) and I thank him for that. However, I remembered what path my life was going in those years and I cringe. Again, nothing to do with my old friend but everything to do with me and my choices and actions in those years.

I can't beat myself up too much over dumb decisions I made as a teenager. If I hadn't committed those mistakes, I wouldn't have learned or grown up. Yes, I cringe and I wish I could erase that part of my past but I can't. Instead, I become aware of where I was and where I am now. I can give thanks to God for not giving up on me and for helping me get my life back on track. Things weren't as bad as they sound. The worst thing I did was probably lie in order to fit in (which itself is horrible; I now I detest lying with every fiber of my being) but I am still disappointed in teenage Emmy. However, teenage Emmy turned into adult (with an inner goofball kid) Emmy and she is happy about how things have turned out.

Would I trade my anxiety and my current stomach problems for my life pre-reversion, when I almost never got sick? Never. It's times like this that I am reminded of how lucky I am (sick or not) and how would never trade my life then for my life now. I may not be exactly sure of what God wants me to do (still sort of in post graduation limbo despite my freelance work) but I know that I trust Him to guide me down the path He wants me to take.

Anyway, just random blog post. I'm sure I've written another one like this before but it's been a while and I just wanted to reiterate my love for and gratefulness to God.

And now, I'm going to go listen to the Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons songs I have and see if any of them need to be purged. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Confession: I Have a Promise to Keep

So, 2012 didn't exactly go as I had planned. Sure, I graduated (which was a miracle considered the obstacles they threw at me) and I started my career as a writer (my dream job) but I didn't get to accomplish everything I wanted.

When I reverted to the Faith in late summer 2006, I was pretty sick. I had been extremely healthy up to that point. Seriously, I could go years without going to the doctor if I wasn't required to get shots for school. In those days, the doctors hadn't properly diagnosed me with having a severe anxiety relapse (long story short; people can be cruel in when they're mentally and emotionally abusing someone). At one point, I had been in the Emergency Room 3 times in 5 days. What I didn't know then (due to lack of proper diagnosis) was that anxiety can have some pretty bad physical symptoms.

During one of the especially bad ER visits (and a couple of weeks into my reversion -- which I credit to St. Jude's intercession via my mother's prayers), I made a couple of promises to St. Jude: that I would attend a Catholic college to finish my degree and to visit the Vatican (since that is where his remains are) after I graduated. Both things were going to be done as a "thank you" for his intercession for my health. Well, I did graduate from a "Catholic" college (close enough, right? I applied before I knew it was CINO). Now the promise that I have to fulfill is visiting the Vatican.

I desperately want to fulfill that promise for many reasons. A few weeks after asking for intercession, I was on the mend. I got a proper diagnosis, alternative meds (since I'm sensitive to most meds), and was much happier since I had cut all the toxic things out of my life. I returned to school (community college) part time. While I was in school from then on, I was healthy enough to attend with only one major interruption (my father's death). Sure, anxiety still plagues me to this day (though I know what triggers it so I can easily control it) but I can now go several months without a single anxiety attack. And, besides my stomach problems (which I am enduring without much complaint; offering it up), I'm actually the healthiest I've been in years. :D

Because of how fragile my personal finances are at the moment (which is the cause of my anxiety these days), I obviously can't go to the Vatican anytime soon. However, my only New Year's Resolution is to cut back on my miscellaneous spending (even more; I'm a frugal lady ;D) and put whatever money I have left over from tutoring and writing (after bills and tuition payments) into my trip to the Vatican. I hope to go sometime next year, before I head off to grad school.

When I have a goal in mind, I work hard for it. When it's a promise, I worker harder to keep it. I am putting my stubbornness to good use. ;)

Anyway, just felt the urge to write and to share this so... yeah. lol. Today is my last free day before both my freelance writing assignments (which I already have 3 of; big ones, too) and tutoring consume the majority of my day, so I'm going to go relax. :)

Oh! Please don't forget to send me any prayer requests. I'm still aiming for the 365 days of prayers for others. If you have a particularly big intention and are in need of a novena, let me know. I am a novena machine. lol. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Earthquakes, My Reversion, and How St. Jude is Connected to Both

This is the actual St. Jude statue that has survived many earthquakes. Seriously, check out the chipped paint.

I was originally going to post my reversion story today (St. Jude's feast day -- shared with St. Simon) because it's through his intercessions that I reverted back to the beautiful Catholic faith I know and love. Then, at 8:24 a.m. we had a mini 3.9 earthquake and, well, decided to share with y'all how St. Jude is connected to earthquakes for me.

I wrote about how St. Jude was looking out for me during the big 1994 earthquake nearly 5 years ago (and added a little something extra over 4 years ago) but most of y'all are new to my blog so it's worth a repost:

"This story takes place in mid-January 1994. I was about 8 years old at the time and I'd never experienced a real big earthquake before... I felt my dad picking me up from my bed, very abruptly and I opened my eyes to see (and feel) everything shaking violently. Things were falling off the walls, glasses and china was breaking everywhere... if you've ever experienced an earthquake, you know what I'm talking about. Since this earthquake was a really big one, the lights went out almost immediately after the intense aftershocks started. I did not know what was going on. All I knew was that I had to stay under the doorframe (or is it doorway?). I don't remember too many details about what happened during the shaking except that the statue of St. Jude fell as soon as we (my parents and I) reached the doorway and were safe from anything falling on us. I won't write much more about what happened during the earthquake because the images are still pretty vivid (and it's been nearly 14 years since) and it would take me a long time to write it out.

Anyhoo, I was talking to my mom about the statue of Santo Niño de Atocha and one of the St. Jude statues in my room. I knew they'd fallen during the earthquake -- they're still chipped -- and I very faintly remember (or think I remember) St. Jude's statue falling as soon as we got under the doorway and my mom confirmed it. Apparently, while all other things were falling around us there are three things that didn't fall: the statue of Santo Niño, the statue of St. Jude and the big framed picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe which was up on my bedroom wall. Now, the earthquake was a 6.7 on the richter scale, it was pretty intense. Windows shattered just by the shaking, yet the picture did not fall or get hurt in any way... My mom says they (saints and Our Lady) were all looking out for us... We haven't experienced an earthquake that intense since, thank God, but every time we have experienced smaller earthquake (and/or aftershocks from nearby earthquakes) my mom grabs the St. Jude statues without even thinking about it. My dad grabs the statue of Our Lady and my mom grabs St. Jude... if I don't get to him before she does."

By the way, we still own all three things mentioned: the St. Jude and Santo Niño de Atocha statues and the framed picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe has remained on my bedroom wall since I was about 7 years old.

During today's mini earthquake (which felt a bit stronger where I live because of how close to the epicenter we are) we did the same; mom grabbed the St. Jude statue while the shaking continued... and the shaking lasted longer than we expected. After all was said and done (and we took down other statues and crucifixes), we both mentioned how "appropriate" it was that we had an earthquake on his feast day.

I sadly can't attend Mass today (I've had horrible anxiety since about 3 in the morning and can't drive because of it) but this little thing reminded me that God is still looking out for us.

Oh, and if you're wondering about my reversion story (which you can read the gist of it if you click the link), I hope to one day expand on it because it's really something that defines me. I will say that I made promises to St. Jude that I've kept (graduating from the CINO college -- before I knew it was CINO -- was one of them) and intend to keep (I still have to go to Vatican City, as my own pilgrimage, to thank him for his intercession as well as God for never abandoning me) as soon as I can afford to. If you're wondering why I chose the Vatican (besides obvious reasons), it's because that is where the relics of St. Jude are. :)

So, thank you, St. Jude for everything you've done and continue to do for me. Though it's been a while since I've asked you to intercede for me, I know that if I ever need anything, you'll be there to help me. :D

Alright, I need to go eat because I'm having a combo bad anxiety and tummy troubles day. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

It's a Proud Moment When...

Just a random thought that I wanted to share: it's a proud moment when your mother (who once fought against going to Mass and confession) says she's looking forward to going to confession tomorrow and confirms that she has become used to it. We've come a long way from nearly three years ago, haven't we? Gone is the mama who hated the thought of my becoming a nun and in her place is a mama who hates missing Mass and loves going to confession... and does everything in her power to avoid sinning. I am truly a proud daughter. :D