Saturday, August 20, 2016

Shutting Down the Blog, Questioning Faith, and Other Conundrums


I almost shut down this blog this week. Almost. Then I received a message from a new reader (or a long-time reader who'd never reached out before) that renewed my commitment to keep it and continue writing as authentically as possible. I still don't think I'll write as often as I have in past weeks because classes are about to start and it's a crazy semester but I'll write when I feel like sharing something going on in my life.

I questioned the strength of my faith. I questioned my own faith. Not Catholicism nor God. I simply questioned myself in how my faith fits into my life. I didn't want to pray. I literally forced myself to pray because I didn't want to. A lot of things didn't make sense to me. I've never had a spiritual dryness this intense before. I'm still struggling with a couple of things. I'm hoping confession and Mass later today will help.

I almost quit the SLP field for something I haven't considered doing since I was in my late teens-early 20s. My spiritual director brought it (the career path) up last year, seemingly out of the blue, and I had dismissed it. Something changed this week and I reconsidered it. I talked to a couple of close friends and they all seemed excited for me. The career is a good fit for me in some ways but would take me out of my introvert bubble/comfort zone. It would mean starting (almost) from zero. It means a lot of hard work ahead of me. It means facing some of the fears I had at 20 and returning to something that once brought me both joy and pain. I'm still unsure of whether I'll go down this path but I will finish my degree, at least.

I almost did a couple of things impulsively... which was very unusual for me. Amongst these things included plans to move out of the country to pursue the aforementioned career path; to follow my heart. I almost did a lot of things that seemed out of character for me because I was swimming in a sea of confusion and I couldn't make out which way was up. I still feel like I've yet to come up for air but at least I think I'm coming closer to the surface.

I don't know what I'm doing these days, if I'm honest. I feel as if I'm being pulled in many different directions and I don't know which way to go, what to do, or who/what to believe. I'm not sure if it's all spiritual dryness, a spiritual attack, or just the misfortune of having too many options. I didn't foresee any of this happening, especially not after the summer I've been having thus far; not a week before classes begin.

Pray for me, dear readers, because I feel lost and I can't see a way out anytime soon.

7 comments:

Gaspar Tiznado said...

Dear Emmy,

Don't lose hope. You're not the only young Catholic struggling these days. I also had some problems these past few months in which I have questioned how much I fit in in the Church. I'm trying to enter a religious community and was told to wait one more year (after I had been told to prepare to enter this Fall). I had left college and a job to join. Now, my family is struggling financially and I'm looking for a job to help my folks make ends meet (with no luck). My prayer life is wavering as well. But every moment I go to the Blessed Sacrament, I feel a peace inside me. I can't forget all my problems, but I can see them in the light of the Cross. Christ reminds me how painful it is to walk with the Cross, but the reward that is awaiting me at the end of the road.

So take courage! From a fellow writer to another, you are in my prayers today and always. Persevere and move forward. And if you feel lost in. hat to do in life, just remember that the one goal the MUST NOT change is your goal to become a SAINT, which basically means a sinner who tries their best to stay united with God.

Blessings to you and yours!

Gaspar Tiznado said...

Dear Emmy,

Don't lose hope. You're not the only young Catholic struggling these days. I also had some problems these past few months in which I have questioned how much I fit in in the Church. I'm trying to enter a religious community and was told to wait one more year (after I had been told to prepare to enter this Fall). I had left college and a job to join. Now, my family is struggling financially and I'm looking for a job to help my folks make ends meet (with no luck). My prayer life is wavering as well. But every moment I go to the Blessed Sacrament, I feel a peace inside me. I can't forget all my problems, but I can see them in the light of the Cross. Christ reminds me how painful it is to walk with the Cross, but the reward that is awaiting me at the end of the road.

So take courage! From a fellow writer to another, you are in my prayers today and always. Persevere and move forward. And if you feel lost in. hat to do in life, just remember that the one goal the MUST NOT change is your goal to become a SAINT, which basically means a sinner who tries their best to stay united with God.

Blessings to you and yours!

Melissa Hunter-Kilmer said...

Praying for you. God bless you.

Rachel said...

I was very wavering for a couple months- was deep in sin too- I feel I maybe should leave college- Im not sure either- but God is not a God of confusion- I am Catholic but these audio tapes really helped my perspective on how to hear Gods voice- he worrks through our desire- whne you are in the Spirit and close to God and you feel a desire to something well that is Him, if it keeps coming up when you are worshiping or anthing like that it is a desire- you may even hate things now that you didnt before-
the man on the tape was a preacher/teacher I believe and he was going to another country but when he was worshiping one day he had a desire NOT to go anymore- there was no other reason for it- but it was strong enough for him to say no to the people- and guess what! The plane he was going to take, CRASHED and all the people died- so God does not speak like we speak (usually) we must follow our hearts all our lives for God speaks through it

Laura Pearl said...

I hope you get the answers you're looking for. God bless you! (And I hope you keep on writing!)

Megan Rossing said...

Praying for you tonight dear one!

Xoxo,
Megan Marie
Meetyouingalilee.blogspot.com

Claire Christina said...

Oh, Emmy! Much love and prayers for you. You are wonderful, and I'm sure God will work with wherever you decide to go in life. No pressure. Extra love! <3