As I said in the previous blog post, this Lenten season has been incredible for me. I've been able to figure out some things I'd been dealing with for years (one of them being tied to my vocation)... but one of them is going to come at a great price. I'm not sure I'm going to give details on it but know that it's something I'm doing reluctantly.
When I'm saying that I'm doing it "reluctantly", I'm not saying that I don't want to do it... it's just going to be extremely hard to do it. My head (logic) says that it's for the best. My heart (emotion) wants to find an excuse not to let go. However, I think I've gotten a good sign from God that it's what's best for me and I can't fight what He wants.
While praying the Sorrowful Mysteries a week ago, Matthew 5:30 kept popping up in my mind.
"And if thy right hand scandalize thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is expedient for thee that one of thy members should perish, rather than that thy whole body be cast into hell."
The more I tried to focus on Sorrowful Mysteries, the more it kept popping up in my mind. In detail. There was an inner dialogue happening as I continued praying the Sorrowful Mysteries. I would put up an excuse, and the verse would continue repeating itself in my mind with the reason why my excuse was not good enough. "No, Emmy. Listen, I know it's going to be hard but you need to do it. You've endured it for years. Just let go. Your soul depends on it." Yes, I'm serious... the words "your soul depends on it" also repeatedly popping up in my mind.
I talked to my spiritual director this past week about it. I told him the situation (which has been on-going for years) and about how the verse and the words kept popping up while I was praying. He gave me a smile. Yes, I have to listen to the inner dialogue that popped into my mind while I prayed. There's a reason why it kept playing out during the Rosary. A lot of sins (even if venial) were caused by this situation. Perfecting timing with Lent and the focus on the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
Even though I know it's going to be emotionally taxing on me, I'm going to do it because it will be good for me. I've surrendered my wants. I'm not going to do what I want if it's not in line with what God wants from me... and this one thing doesn't seem to be what God wants from me.
Sorry for the vagueness but the situation involves another person so, out of respect for the other person, I couldn't be more detailed. I would like to ask y'all to please pray for those who will be involved because it's going to be hard for everyone.
That's it for today. Trust me, this wasn't easy for me to write but I felt compelled to share it with y'all. Don't be afraid to embrace God's will for you... even if it's going to be hard on your end. The eternal rewards are worth more than the temporal (and temporary) relief.
And now I'm going to try to eat some more. I have a stomach virus (for which I ended up in the ER yesterday... that was not fun) and need to get some of my strength back. BRAT diet (in foodie style), come to mama!
I hope y'all have a great weekend! Get your tushes to confession if it's been a while. ;)
As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D