Thursday, July 30, 2015

Vanity! Wait, Vanity?

As many of you who were following my #ERadventures on Twitter know, I had a pretty busy afternoon yesterday. After not being able to secure a doctor appointment with my doctor this week and being told that urgent care was full, they (my insurance company; I called their customer care line after exhausting my options and talking to a nurse) sent me to the local E.R.

I'll spare guys the details beyond saying that it was a non-tooth related abscess. Whether it was a spider bite or a pimple gone wrong, something set it off and it looked like I was smuggling a small walnut under my jaw, near my chin. I had it for 4 days (Sunday through yesterday). It wasn't pretty -- and it kept getting bigger -- but I ignored it... well, I ignored the fact that I had a giant lump under my jaw.

Yesterday, while the doctor was explaining the procedure to me, she said she would make it the smallest cut possible so it wouldn't scar; that it was good that it wasn't on my cheek or anywhere too visible. Her assistant made a comment that it would've been a shame if it had been on my face; "a pretty girl like you..." I half jokingly, half honestly replied, "well, I don't care. It would be good for my vanity; it would keep me from being vain." When I got home, I took a selfie to show everyone (on IG) where the procedure was done. I jokingly said, "sorry about the mug; no make-up up in here." It was in that moment that I realized that I really don't know where to draw the line on what qualifies as vanity. (side note: Nope, not touching on the fact that selfies are considered vain.)

I was a tomboy growing up. I "rebelled" against the frilly dresses that they used to make me wear by wanting to wear only jeans and shorts as soon as I was allowed to pick out my own clothes. I liked playing sports. I used to race against my male classmates to see who was fastest. In my only year of public HS, I was one of three girls who actually got into playing (mandatory) co-ed flag football. Don't worry, guys were respectful and they kept their paws off of us. It wasn't until I got older (really, early-mid 20s) that I got "girlier."

One of the things I've struggled with -- especially lately -- is knowing what would be considered vain and what isn't because I get so many conflicting messages. I consider myself pretty low-maintenance. Most days my hair is in a ponytail, braid, or up in a messy bun. I wear minimal make-up (blush and under-eye concealer on sleepless days, occasionally mascara to make my eyes look a little bit brighter, more alert) on the days that I do wear it... which isn't often because I'm admittedly lazy about going through the whole routine of taking it all off with lotions and washes and toners, etc. I'm currently going through a wardrobe overhaul because clothes aren't fitting and/or are getting seriously worn. I want to look nice and I have fun occasionally putting the effort into experimenting with different hairstyles and colors... but does that mean I've fallen for the trap for vanity?

Some people would say "yes." Some people look down on make-up and are vocal about it. 'Oh, I don't wear it. I don't need to look fake." Other people would say "no." "What's wrong with wanting to look nice? It makes me happy!" I fall somewhere in the middle, leaning more towards the latter. When I looked paler (due to my anemia), I wore a little bit of blush on my cheeks and concealer under my eyes so that people wouldn't worry about me looking so pale. Now that my color is back to normal, I don't worry about it as much.

As I said, that doesn't mean I don't want to occasionally wear a little bit of make-up or dress up. Sometimes I'll be in the mood to experiment with make-up colors or pretty hairstyles, knowing that no one will see me and that I'll undo it minutes later... and that's fine with me. It's just something fun to do. If I have a lunch date with a friend (especially if it's someone I like), I will make the extra effort to look nicer than usual. I'm sure when there's a fella in my life, I will also put the effort into looking nice for our dates... though he'll have to get used to it not being an everyday thing. Again, I'm a bit lazy when it comes to the routine of getting the make-up off of my face. lol. Does that make me vain? I would think not but, again, mixed messages from various sources has blurred the line for me over the years.

These are just some of the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my mind since yesterday. I'm sure I'll eventually figure things out... I hope. lol.

Oh! If you're wondering how I'm doing post-procedure: I haven't needed to take any pain meds. Last night, when I changed the gauze, there wasn't much blood on it which is a good sign... especially with how low my platelets have been for a while. It no longer hurts when I try to eat but I'm still not eating as well as I normally do. I'm a bit exhausted but that's to be expected with a nearly sleepless night and a failed nap. Temperature did go up to 99.4 last night but it went down to 98.4. It's currently at (almost) 98.9 so I should be okay. Tomorrow I return to the E.R. to get it looked at again since there are still no doc appointments available with my primary doctor. Thank you all for your prayers; they definitely helped me stay calm and be brave during the procedure. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. I hope y'all are having a good week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

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