Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Heartbreak and Responsibility

Today I had my heart broken. No, no guy did this to me. Seriously, guys, no need to threaten anyone because the person who broke my heart was myself. Allow me to explain...

I was very strongly (and justly) reprimanded earlier for not placing God first in my life. Recent weeks certainly felt that way. Before this weekend, I could feel myself unintentionally pulling further and further away. My priorities got messed up. School became my priority... over most things, including food and sleep. I got tunnel vision. I had deadlines. I needed to meet those deadlines. Old habits die hard. My prayer life suffered. I placed more of an importance on finishing lecture videos than taking time out of my day to pray. I still prayed... but not as well or as I often as I had in the past. I made many terrible decisions that caused me to miss Mass. That was all on me. I take full responsibility for my decisions. Were they wrong? Absolutely. Did they make me feel terrible? Of course! Have I learned from them? You bet! In recent days I've been making more of an effort to reprioritize things in my life. Sometimes I fail but I've been praying more and putting that ahead of schoolwork... even with the time crunch.

I had a spiritual direction meeting today. Guess where I was rightly and justly reprimanded. I went with every intention of asking for help. I knew I needed it. Every time I've gotten so busy, my prayer life suffers. I was candid. I didn't hold anything back because I knew that I had to own up to my failures during the past month (plus nearly two weeks) since my last meeting. I was prepared to get strong words said my way. I deserved them I needed them. What I wasn't counting on was being left without a spiritual director.

I don't blame him. I failed. I made my own choices. They were wrong. I understand it. I accepted it. I needed help getting back on the right path. Because I'm very sensitive, I started crying when he informed me it would be my last meeting. I broke my own heart. I failed God. I failed my spiritual director. I failed myself.

I talked to those closest to me after my meeting because I couldn't stop crying. I'm still crying as I type this out. There's a lot I'm leaving out out of respect for someone else. I don't blame them. They were just trying to make me realize that I needed to re-prioritize things in my life. I'd been doing that lately but I guess it was too little too late.

Today I felt like a fraud... like a failure... like I don't deserve anything good. Has that not come across in that post? I know some of you will tell me I'm too hard on myself but that's how I've felt for the past couple of hours. How can I sit here and talk about God and how much I love Him when I can't even keep my prayer life in order; if I don't try harder to attend Mass? I can't keep using physical pain as an excuse to not attend. How can I keep blogging if I can't keep myself in line? What kind of person am I if my spiritual director quit on me? One of my best friends said this has "spiritual attack" written all over it. Either way, this was a huge wake up call to me and it certainly kicked whatever else I needed to re-prioritize everything in my life.

Gratitude? Yeah, I have that. Despite the tears, despite how horrible I feel about myself, despite how disappointed I am in myself, despite finding myself without a spiritual director when I most need one (and I definitely feel like I do need one at this point), I'm grateful for this metaphorical kick in the tush. Good will come of it... even if it'll take some time for the sting to fade.

I'm sorry if I've disappointed anyone else. I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be. I'm completely flawed. The good intentions are there but I fall short. Again, I've been trying (even more so in these past couple of days)... but it is what it is.

Pray for me, everyone. I'm going to need them as I try to figure out where to go from here.

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