When Forgiveness and Charity are Seen as a Weakness

As I've mentioned throughout the years, I was in cognitive-behavioral therapy (on and off for a couple of years) for my PTSD. It wasn't until about a year ago that my last therapist basically said "You're done. You have the tools and the strength to no longer need therapy (unless there's a relapse for whatever reason)." I've been doing well since and I'm very grateful for all the help that I received but there's one thing from my years in CBT that did me more harm than good: being told that my ability to forgive and be charitable towards the person who hurts me is a weakness that needs to be eliminated.

Prior to starting CBT, I forgave very easily. I didn't forget but I forgave and was happy to move past the problem. My first therapist (in training) applauded this part of me. She used to say, "I think it's great that you can forgive someone; to try to see what might've caused them to lash out, knowing that it has more to do with them than with you." She was my first and only Catholic therapist (in training) to date. Since I was attending CBT at a local university and she was a grad student, when she was done with the program, they gave me to another grad student.

This second graduate student was the one who made me feel like there were several things wrong with me, especially this gift of being able to forgive. She made me feel like I was weak. When I used to say "I know this person hurt me but I wonder if it's the only thing they've ever known, which is why they act that way," she used to chastise me and tell me that I shouldn't be forgiving or even charitable towards them. They did me harm. They should feel guilty and have to pay for their offenses. Between her and the next 2 therapists I had, I was filled with a lot of anger. My ability to forgive was replaced with hurt and anger.

The last two therapists I had helped me sort my thoughts out, more so the second-to-last therapist I had. She was very sweet and very similar to my first therapist (in training). I was able to regain a bit of that ability, something my last therapist nearly took away... except, this time, I knew myself, my thoughts, and how important it was to be charitable and love others though they treat me poorly. I haven't fully regained the ability to forgive and be charitable as I used to. I still do it, but I can get very angry for a little while before I calm down and see things as they are, separating feelings from rationality. It's a reflex that I, unfortunately, have to unlearn from my time with the second therapist-in-training. There's a reason why I purchased a book on how to combat anger from a Catholic perspective (which I hope to review in the near future).

Today I was reflecting on why forgiveness and charity towards those who've done us wrong are seen as weaknesses. Over the weekend, someone vandalized my car. Police suspect it's a neighbor since I live in a gated building... and the parts that were vandalized made no sense -- the side panel/garnish of the front passenger's side window and then scrapping off of the LX letters on my Honda Civic. They didn't even take the parts. They left the LX next to the back bumper and we found the broken panel/garnish under a neighbor's car. I had so many people badmouth whoever did the damage but I found myself not only being able to forgive whoever did the damage but also ask God to forgive them for their actions.

I didn't feel anger nor injustice. I didn't seek revenge. I filed a police report, sure, but that's because the building manager asked me to for insurance purposes, not to harm the other person. I purchased the replacement part at the local dealer and it was installed (free of charge, thank goodness) today. The building has security cameras installed near where my car is parked but I didn't ask to see who it could've been. I don't want to know because I really don't need to know. Instead, I'm going to pray for whoever did it.

If they were high or drunk, I pray they get the help they need to kick those terrible addictions. If they did it out of hatred (which is the current theory as we have a neighbor who very much dislikes us), I pray that God softens their hearts because hating someone is like drinking poison yourself and then expecting the other person to die. (I don't know who originally said that so I paraphrased). If it was a randomly picked act of vandalism, I pray that God helps them examine their hearts and minds and that they repent and seek to live a better life; a life that seeks God and all that is good.

I hope that one day I may be able to turn the other cheek and forgive as I used to without allowing my temper to flare like it has in recent years. I hope that the anger that does rise up in me from time to time reminds me to be more charitable, especially towards myself if it's anger caused by something I've unintentionally done. I hope that I can remember that forgiving isn't a weakness. Jesus forgave those who crucified him and treated him as if he was subhuman. Did he speak up when they placed the crown of thorns on his head? When they spat on him and mocked him? Jesus suffered more than I ever will in my lifetime. He set a beautiful example of how forgiveness and charity are not signs of weakness but of an inner strength and a reliance on God to help us through times of trials.

... and I just realized that today is Tuesday which means meditating on the Sorrowful Mysteries of the most Holy Rosary. Well played, Holy Spirit. Well played. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts bouncing around in my head. :)

I want to get my sleeping schedule back on track (currently sleeping 1-3 a.m. through 10-11 a.m.) so I'm going to try to get everything I normally do at a later time a bit earlier. Since it's almost 8 p.m. PT, I should start getting things done for the day so I can unwind with a cup of tea and a good book. :)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Lenten Lesson: Increasing Trust in God

My awesome wingman and I have a sort-of motto we like to remind each other in times of difficulty: "we must increase our trust." I had so much going on during Lent that wingman had to text me a reminder more than once.

Mom and I hemorrhaged money this past month. Our savings are completely depleted. We had new things (car related, health related, etc) pop up all the time and usually in clumps so it created a domino effect. The mechanic who fixed my car (and not well; I'm still paying to get new stuff repaired all the time, which is more $ spent) ended up getting a parking ticket last month but failed to inform me about it. It became a delinquent parking violation -- parking for 72 hours in a 24 hour parking area. I contested the ticket since I did not have the car at the time the ticket was issued but was denied. Before I learned that I had to pay the ticket despite not being in possession of it at the time, I had a little conversation with God. "You are my Father. My earthly father is no longer with us. Please help provide for us. If you wants us to pay for this ticket -- if the mechanic can't pay for it or whatever reason -- we'll pay for it. If justice can be made, great. If not, we'll do Your will."

I didn't get a hold of the mechanic until I got word that I had to pay the ticket... and he sounded terrible. I'm not sure what illness he has but he's definitely still sick. He's thinner than before and he's in dialysis so you know it's bad. We spoke to some of our neighbors the day after I was told the initial review was denied and found out he has about 4-5 kids. If they depend on his income (as a mechanic) and he's too sick to work, maybe he doesn't have the money to pay for it. I believe his house is up for sale, too. Choosing to see it this way, we decided to pay for it ourselves. Sure, our savings are basically gone from all we've had to pay but God always provides.

I also saw my health care coverage being terminated this month. I still think it'll be restored but, at the time I type this, it's set to end today. I received the letter two weeks ago. "Oh, another chance to show God that I trust in Him" I reminded myself as I tried not to stress out. Apparently they received my yearly redetermination last July (you know, what the chips hit the fan in general for me) but all my data mysteriously came up blank. They literally have a blank where my data was. I had to fax and mail them several forms needed to show that I was still eligible for it. As of now, I cannot make any doctor's appointments. There's something I'm a bit concerned about that needs to be looked at but will have to taken care of until I hear back from my provider. My dairy allergy test is on hold, which should've been done this month. My CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) sessions are on hold, which is a pity because I was making progress. I still get very tense and anxious when I feel a car is close to hitting me (PTSD) so I kind of need that therapy. We postponed the next one until the following week, hoping we'll know something by next week.

These are just some examples of what I've been going through this past month. Most started about two weeks into Lent and they're still going. All of this would've normally stressed me out but I keep trying to remind myself to trust God. Yesterday I took one of the stressful things I'm dealing with and had a conversation with God. "Please give me the strength and courage to handle this. It keeps popping up in mind, please help me put it out of my mind so I won't get too stressed out."

Life is uncertain. We won't always know what's in store for us. This Lent, balance and moderation, rearranging priorities, and letting go of perfection were all pieces of a larger picture: increasing my trust in God.  Everything I've gone through in the past couple of months (but most especially during Lent) have been about letting go and trusting God. Our savings are gone? God will help provide, whether it be a job I can do while in school or some other way. My car still needs a lot of work? God will provide help with whatever is absolutely necessary (i.e. air conditioning not working; windshield wiper motors not working). My health care coverage terminated? God will make things right, or help me figure out what to do if they (unjustly) decide to truly deny me coverage. My mind being so overloaded with stress that my concentration is shot right before I start my first class back to JP Catholic? God will help. I've got novenas to Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati (who died a few credits short of his degree) and the Divine Mercy going now; a novena to the Holy Spirit coming up as soon as both of the first novenas are one. Nothing is impossible with God. I'll keep reminding myself of that every time I feel my anxiety and stress levels rising.

I think that's it for my Lenten lessons series. I had a beautiful and fruitful Lenten season despite all the lows. God has shown me how wonderful life is despite all the "crosses" we carry and for that I'm grateful. :)

Alright, I should go eat a bit more to eat. My stomach has been off lately and I haven't eating as well as I should. I ate a little bit  I feel my blood sugar level dropping a bit so I'll go take care of that. :)

Oh, how God provides!!! As I was writing the ending to this post, I received a call from someone who works with my therapist: they'll provide the rest of my counseling for free as long as I return the paperwork they're sending me to my therapist when I return to my sessions next week. I qualify for free sessions. See?! God is good and He provides!

Okay, food... right... gotta eat. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

2014: The Year This Nerd Became Brave

As I was looking back at this past year, I noticed that I did a lot of things (I packed more in a single year than I had in the past 6 years combined) because I made an unofficial resolution to be brave. If you know me, you know that the words "brave" and "Emmy" were rarely used in a single sentence... until this year. There is a lot I can cover but here at the major highlights:

1) I had two novels published in the span of 7 months.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you guys about this since the print versions (as well as the novel sequel in eBook) version were just released a week ago but my biggest professional highlight was finally getting my novels published. I had worked on Will and Lina: When Two Worlds Collide since 2008 (the original draft is nowhere near what it ended up being; one day I'll reveal how the story was original supposed to end) and I wrote the entire first draft of Will and Lina: London Calling last November. This year I edited them (with help from Kiera), worked on the covers, and I made my dreams come true by publishing years worth of hard work. The fact that I had the guts to say "Okay, I want to do this so I'm going to do it" and of not letting my nervousness get the best of me was a huge deal. I've always loved writing (obviously; I've been blogging for 7 years now!) but it wasn't until this year that I really worked hard at letting my "babies" out into the world. Even though I did stress myself out a little with deadlines and formatting issues, finally seeing my novels published was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done... and it's something that I know I will continue to do in the future.

2) I learned that sometimes the best thing is to do is let go so you can move forward.
Some of my biggest triumphs of the year in the "bravery" category had me walking away from things that I did not want to let go of. I walked away from a career path that I was loving but had to let go of because the school environment was making me physically ill. I let go of the fear of financial instability by admitting that I was at my happiest pursuing Theology and Religious Studies degrees and I would much rather do that than Speech-Language Pathology (though, mark my words, I will finish that someday.) I know jobs for Theology M.A.s are hard to come by but I'm not worried. This is what I want to do with my life -- what I feel called to do now that I've stopped trying to control the outcome. I let go of my fear of illness, which I developed when my father was first diagnosed with cancer several years ago. Yes, my platelets and iron are still on the low side and, no, I don't know when/if I'll get better... but I'm not worried about it. I know God will take care of me and, if this is just a cross I have to carry, then I will do it to the best of my abilities. I've found myself so much happier just letting go, moving forward, and not looking back. Oh, and please don't start singing that song from Frozen; I can't stand it.

3) My anxiety became manageable for the first time since I was first diagnosed with anxiety/panic disorder at 15.
I owe a big "thank you" to my therapist (whom I saw from March through the first week of August) because she helped me immensely. After that horrible incident in February, I was in full-on PTSD mode. In cognitive-behavioral therapy I not only learned that I had PTSD, I also learned how to deal with it. Since then I've still had some anxiety come and go (which is normal; that won't disappear altogether overnight), but it's no longer an issue when it comes to making plans. I've gone out so much this year (mainly to Disneyland with friends; it's kind of our thing) and my social life is so much better than it has been in years because I finally said "well, flip that table, anxiety. You're not the boss of me!" I can take public transportation (by myself... a huge feat I hadn't done since 2005.) I can drive long distances. I can do so many things because I refuse to let anxiety run my life... and it's been wonderful.

4) My biggest act of bravery was being honest with myself across the board.
It took a lot for me to sit down and, basically, be honest with myself. There were so many things that I had been in denial of for a number of reasons. It took a lot of courage for me to admit that school was causing me more harm than good because I had invested so much into it. To leave the SLP program (as well as stick up for myself against unfair professors) without even finishing the semester was uncharacteristic of me. I felt like a failure for a while... but then I realized that I wasn't. I tried and it didn't work out because it wasn't meant to be. I gave it my all and I pushed myself as much as I could and I'm proud of myself for that. To be able to say "okay, I tried this and it didn't work" and "okay, I need to make these changes to better my life" and then actually implement the changes was what made my year incredibly satisfying.

I look back at 2014 and I go "man, I went through a lot" because I did. I went through health issues, finance instability, career/academic disappointments, and a number of other things that were major turning points in my life. I see all the tears, pain, heartbreak, and disappointment that I felt... but none of it compares to the warmth, love, laughter, happiness, and achievement that I've also felt. Yes, the year stunk like a poopy diaper but I'm genuinely happy. I'm happier than I've been in a long time and I feel much freer than I have since before my dad died 5 years ago. I'm incredibly excited at all the brand new opportunities that I have in life all because I decided to be brave. I didn't run away and hide; I stood up and said "I'm sorry but I'm not going to let you define me." To quote the gif (from the web series Emma Approved): Holy Oprah, what just happened?! Who is this girl and how can I get her to stay? ;)

Anyway, I won't make traditional New Years resolutions because I don't want to limit my growth as a person. There is still a lot left to do but it'll all happen in God's time. In the meantime I'll just try to keep building on the courage I've gained this year and I hope that it will also translate in my faith which, sadly, took a back seat to school and work for the majority of the year.

Thank you all for sharing this year with me. You've helped enrich my year way more than y'all will know. I hope y'all stick around for the (undoubtedly) amazing adventures that 2015 has in store for all of us. Verso l'alto! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Freedom!!!; Eve of St. Agnes and the Knowing Future; No Winner Yet!

"... but you will never take my freedom!" Alright, so I'm paraphrasing that quote but whatever. I am happy (ECSTATIC!) that I've finally been given the "okay" by my therapist to drive! You guys have NO CLUE how long I've been waiting for this moment! I know how to drive (very slowly, but still) but had to wait to get the okay to re-start the whole process to get my license. I couldn't before because the DMV had the right to refuse me a license while I had no control of how I would control my anxiety. My therapist said I'd made huge progress in the last couple of months, and a solo outing this past Tuesday pretty much sealed the deal, I was given the "okay" to go for it. *does happy dance* You don't know what a pain it is to have people drive you everywhere. Whenever I don't feel like going out, my chauffeur (aka dad) would want to go out. When I was feeling fantastic and wanted to get out, he'd refuse. Hopefully this new development will allow me to regain the independence I once had. I'm not going to go crazy, but it'll be nice to be able to get out when I'm feeling up for it. Being trapped in the house eventually makes you batty. I speak from experience. lol. And, hey, now I can go to confessions and Mass without having dad get upset with me (because he was missing a football [soccer] match). Of course, I have no idea when I'll finally get my license but the fact that I now can is super exciting. :D

Alright, so, the feast day for St. Agnes was yesterday but I still wanted to mention it because I'm very curious about something. Did any young women do the whole ritual on the eve of her feast day? I know this particular thing was famously mentioned in one of John Keats' narrative poems, so I was wondering if anyone actually did it. I was contemplating doing it, just for kicks and out of curiosity, but I didn't for two reasons. First, because it's a superstition and superstitions are frowned upon in the Church. Do I want to go to confession and admit to doing this? Not so much. Second, I got to thinking -- if it was true and it did work, WOULD I want to know who my future husband is? If I had the chance to know something about my future, would I take it? I kept thinking of that last question and applied it to everything in general. I came to the conclusions that, no, I would NOT want to know anything about the future. Maybe it's the adventurous side in me (yes, I do have one. lol) that doesn't want anything spoiled.

There's something beautiful about not knowing exactly what God has in store for you. I used to get very frustrated with not knowing what would happen. I (thankfully) outgrew that way of looking at things. I think a lot of people do have that within them though, especially with how grim everything in the world is looking. Everything happens for a reason. If you go through a tragedy or an illness, there's a reason behind it. I don't see these things as punishments for doing something wrong/bad. They're just things that happen to make you see/realize something you'd been missing. For example, me and my constant issues with anxiety. On the downside: I've missed a lot of things because of it. I graduated from high school a year and a half before I was supposed to, yet I'm not done with college yet. Upside: I've changed who I was for the better. MUCH better. There were a lot of negative aspects of myself that I had and I've been able to eliminate through the illness. I've also been able to see who my real friends were, which has my life a lot sunnier and less dramatic.

I had one "friend" resorted to bad mouthing me to anyone who would listen, a few years ago. Granted, I probably deserved a portion of what she said because part of what she said was true (see, I can own up to my part in that problem) but the lengths she went to were a bit extreme. To have someone you thought you trusted do such a thing to you, well... you can just imagine. Regardless what she did to me, I've long forgiven her for it. I'm actually extremely grateful that she did this (okay, well not EXTREMELY, but pretty close, lol) because it showed me that I was strong enough to handle something like this. I didn't know I was capable of letting things go, not holding any grudges, and having the courage to not retaliate. If this had happened a few years ago, I would've put up a fight. Oh yeah, I was that feisty/defensive. But since getting sick, I've realized that it isn't the way to go. There's so much hate and anger in this world, I don't want to contribute to that. (All of this will be in the novel, trust me.)

So, y'all see why I wouldn't want to know about what the future has in store for me? If I hadn't gone through what I went through, and if I had known what the outcome would've been... I would have NEVER really grown up and changed. (However, if you did the St. Agnes thing, please let me know. I'm curious about this. lol).

Alright, so, before I go I have to say that NO ONE HAS WON YET! No one's been able to successfully figure out. I will give ONE away because it's one of the hardest ones. Kasabian's "Club Foot" is common ground. Both Will and I love that song (basically, for the same reason/memory), and it's also a turning point for both characters in the novel. No one thinks I'd like that song... but you do now. lol. I'm also upping the "prize". The first 3 chapters of the novel for the winner. Good luck! :D

I've written a novel on here, haven't I? Well, I guess I'll shut up and stop typing now. :D Hope everyone has had a great week so far! As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Oh, P.S. if you're following my Twitter -- fever finally broke after 48 hours with it going up and down... and I'm feeling fantastic now. Thanks for your prayers!
.

It's Fall? Nooo.; (Great!) Anxiety Update; Be Like a Child.

It's definitely NOT Fall in Southern California. At least not in my neck of the woods. When I was on my way home from English Lit, the sign read 99 degrees Fahrenheit. It's slightly cooler where I live (campus is in a different suburb/district) but it's still well over 90 degrees. When my group rehearsed for our upcoming Shakespeare skit, we had to seek shade after about 2 minutes in the sun... it's that unbearable. We had to look for a shade before we could continue with our plan to make the entire class laugh. :D

And while I'm on the topic of the skit... I'm SO EXCITED for it. Again, not just because we get to dress up one of the guys as a girl. (It's gonna take a lot for me not to laugh the way we have it planned. lol.) :D A few months ago I would've dreaded doing this and would've probably done all I could to get out of it. Not so much now. I truly think St. Dymphna has really interceded for me in a big way. That and the Lord showed His mercy on me, after all those times I would ask Him in mid-panic attack (while sobbing) to help me understand why I would get that sick. At the beginning of the year, until probably around mid-late July, anything would trigger a panic attack. It was very bad. I'd say it's the worst time I've had since I first started getting the symptoms (when I was 15). When I started cognitive-behavioral therapy, my anxiety actually got a bit worse before it got better, mainly because I had to talk about things that upset me and it would just make me more anxious. But I'm extremely grateful I had to do it all. I'm also blessed to have a therapist who's Catholic because when I mention things like the importance of going to Mass, or praying to St. Dymphna for her intercession, she gets it. I'm so happy that I'm able to do a lot of things, including travel, that I couldn't because of my anxiety. I'm able to stand in front of people and don't freak out. It's amazing. I've been truly blessed. I won't say more because I've already written much about it. You can read more about it and about St. Dymphna (including prayers to her) in an earlier post I wrote. For the record, I keep bringing this topic up because I know a lot of people who land on my blog do so because they're looking for information regarding Catholicism and anxiety. I hope I've helped those who come in search of answers. :D

Another way I've been able to keep myself from going nutty (so much homework, not enough time. lol) is being more child like. I'm taking St. Therese of Lisieux's advice. I'm doing these little things that I hope the Lord will appreciate. I've also reverted to my pre-anxiety self -- all silly and goofy. I've gotten to the point where I see absolutely no reason why I should stress over little things I used to wig out about. I've started singing and dancing around my room and the living room, like I used to when I was younger. It's the way I shake stress off. I'm not being childish but I'm just doing simple little things that make me happy. And from that happiness, I get more excited about praying and about my faith. It all works out. :D

Alright, well, I'm going to do precisely what I just said... I'm going to sing and dance in a completely dorky/silly way to get some of the stress out. I have a lot due today so I need to get happy before I can proceed. :D

I hope y'all are having a good week... and aren't in the same hot weather as I am. Oy. lol. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Anxiety, Mass and Childhood Friends.

Wow, what an incredibly hectic week I've had. I haven't been able to blog in nearly a week because of everything that's been going on. I don't even know where to begin.

Well, on Monday (which was a holiday here in the States) I ended up in the E.R. because of a massive panic attack I got. Hyperventilating, lightheaded, chest pains, crying -- the whole thing. I'd never gotten one as intense as it before. The best way I can describe it is feeling like I was going to go nuts. Panic attacks don't usually last more than 15 minutes but I somehow got about 2 - 3 in the space of about an hour (and in the middle of the Liverpool v Aston Villa game) so my mom worried and I was taken to the E.R. I spent about 9 hours there before I was released and basically, they already told me what I know... everything that happened last year has begun to surface and I've been feeling extremely anxious because of it. I was relieved to hear that I'm not going crazy and that I am in fact physically healthy. It just sucks to know that it's going to take a couple of weeks to start kicking the anxiety out of my system. Luckily, I'm taking the semester off so I can work on that before I go off to my new school.

And speaking of my new school -- apparently that is a HUGE source of my anxiety, which I never even considered. I've felt okay with the whole thing but apparently it's a bigger stressor than I had realized. Luckily, I've found these lovely counselors that are willing to work with me at a university nearby (and for dirty cheap -- compared to other places -- because I'm a college student) so I'm on the right path to getting better. I am going to have to postpone writing my book, or at least parts of it, for a while because I can't deal with additional stress until I start my therapy sessions.

You know... it's VERY common for people in this part of Southern California to have counselors, therapists and/or psychiatrists. In fact, there's a running joke that everyone and their dog has one. lol. It's very true though. I live in a very drama-filled city so I can see how that "joke" started. In my case, having to deal with my father's cancer (for the second time in 5 years), just coming off illness myself, having to plan my moving away from home, going through the transfer application process, having a heavy courseload (and I do mean HEAVY), and trying to keep this family together... NOT a walk in the park. Oh and I had the absolute worst summer (I took two 5-week courses, with professors who were partially insane, that were super intense) so... yeah. And, actually, this is the first time I've had vacation in a year. I was in school all of '07 (winter and summer included). Everyone who's had to help their parents out with major responsibilities and/or have had way too much on their plate because of things that have come up -- I completely for you and I know how difficult it is. I don't know how some people are able to cope with all of that but power to ya!

I'm very lucky that I know why I'm going through what I'm going and that I'll be able to work on it to get better again. Like the doctor said, I should be thankful that I'm not depressed (I'm a little too happy and joke around too much to be depressed, lol) and I have a great support system in my parents and my best friends. I know I'll be fine; I just need to really work on it and remember that I've dealt with worse things which I was able to overcome. I'm definitely going to be praying a little more than I was, spending a little extra time asking St. Dymphna for her intercession. As I always say, God never throws anything your way that you can't handle.

I was proud of two things while I was at the hospital -- 1) I was able to bring comfort to an older woman and 2) I was able to make people laugh. While we were in the E.R., I befriended this older lady who was maybe in her 80s. She was fine for a while until she started worrying about her surgery. I asked her if she was Catholic and she said she was. I gave her the St. Jude prayer card I had with me. She read it and then wanted to give it back to me but I told her to keep it so she'd have it as a source of comfort. Her daughter saw what I'd done and she thanked me, telling me that they were actually devotees of his. After that, the older woman seemed in better spirits, which made me so happy! That's all I would ever want -- to cheer up someone who was feeling down, despite how I am feeling. I was very happy I was able to make some of the other people laugh too. Apparently, no matter how much pain or how miserable I may be, I can still manage to make people laugh. I hope I never lose that ability.

Okay, I have said enough about what happened on Monday, which I want to put behind me. I ended up missing mass on Sunday AND Monday which makes me very unhappy! I felt icky on Sunday morning but when I was ready on Sunday afternoon-evening, dad had start getting sick so... I had to stay home. It's all a conspiracy to keep me from mass but, pfft, next Sunday I will be there! I HATE missing mass. I don't feel right... and I am perfectly aware it's a mortal sin (although I know it's not as bad if I miss it because I'm sick or because I have to stay home to take care of my dad). Bah! It's back to confession for me on Saturday, too (for missing mass). If anyone ever wonders why I seem to go to confessions almost every week, it's usually because I miss mass due to circumstances beyond my control. That and Liverpool games make me say mean things about refs who don't do their job properly. lol. Bah humbug! Oh wait... that's a Christmas-y saying, isn't it? lol. Well, you get what I mean. :D

Ooh, this is something interesting that happened last night/this morning. I had the most RANDOM dream about this guy I went to school with... when I was 5 - 11 years old! We were friends all through elementary school and when we went off to junior high, that was it. But it was so WEIRD to have a dream about him. Never in a million year would I have thought of him if I had not had that dream. I think I still have some pictures from when we were kids but I'd have to check. Anyway, I wonder why I had the dream... and it's made me very curious to know what he and his sister (who was also a friend of mine) are up to.

I still keep in touch with childhood friends but most everyone has lost track of everyone else. I find it funny that out of the friends I've known since ages 4 - 11, (that I still keep in touch with) only 3 of them are girls and only because my parents see their parents so we send each other hellos and messages through them. All the rest of them, the ones I personally talk to, are guys. The friend I have known the longest still comes and visits when he's in the area. We've known each other since I was 4 and he was 5. I also still keep in touch with my childhood sweetheart (my first 'boyfriend' who I've known since we were 5 years old), as well. He's off in the Navy so I pray that he gets back home soon to because I'm sure his wife misses him terribly. Thinking about it, it's so WEIRD to think that most of my childhood friends are married, with kids or engaged. Only one of the guys and I are still single. I know it's part of growing up but it's just funny because everyone thought I'd be the first to get married and have kids and I'm the last one. lol. I'm serious. Being the hopeless romantic, everyone pretty much bet I would be the first to marry (and as young as 17). I should've bet a lot of money that I would be the last. lol. While I do have someone I care about, everyone's gonna have to wait quite a while longer before they have my (potential) wedding as an excuse to have a reunion. :D

Yikes, I've written way too much. Sorry, I'm just making up for the last 5 days. Hopefully this will be the longest entry I'll ever write. I will go back to my shorter entries next time. :D

Anyhoo, if you've made it this far... have an imaginary cookie or go get yourself a real one as a reward. If you know me personally, come over and I'll make you cookies. :D lol. Thanks for reading and God Bless.