I'm walking through the desert again. I'm sure this is surprising to most since I'm pretty good at not showing emotions when there's something going on with me... but I felt the need to share this for some reason.
I say my prayers without emotion nor much concentration; I'm just going through the motions. I have to make myself pray even though I sometimes (most of the time) I don't feel like it. The Rosary is the only thing that holds my concentration long enough to make somewhat of an impact on my spiritual life these days.
I haven't gone to confession in 3 weeks. I went to Mass yesterday but, again, just going through the motions. I didn't receive the Eucharist (of course) and that was the first thing I've felt in a couple of days. I said a prayer for spiritual communion. Better than nothing.
I'm bordering on being apathetic to most things. I don't have much of an interest in things. I've been on Twitter more often lately because I need the distraction from whatever is going on with my internal life.
I have a general feeling of lethargy, wanting to stay curled up in bed but I don't indulge myself. I can't fall sleep at night. I struggle to get up in the morning.
I seem to go through this cycle almost every July. It seems like I unwillingly shut down around the anniversary of my father's death... but somehow it's worse this year. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I hit a big milestone in my life (entering my third decade) without him here.
Maybe it's not even my father's death that's the cause of this. Maybe I've shut down because so many people have pushed me too hard. "Become a nun." It's not my vocation, I answer. "Date this guy." I don't like him, I say. "Date that guy." Please just let me be, I plead. "Become a nun." Please stop, I ask. Every single day, multiple times a day the fact that I'm single is shoved in my face. Everyone seems to know what my vocation is except me. It's too much. I'm tired of it -- and have expressed not wanting to be pushed -- but it's still happening.
I want to cry... but I can't. I've tried to this weekend but I haven't been able to. Maybe once I cry I can feel better. We all have our breaking points and I think I'm close to reaching mine. I shut down when I feel forced... or overwhelmed. It's my defense mechanism to maintain as much of my sanity as possible. If I can't release my feelings through tears (my default release for angry, joy, and sorrow), I just shut down.
I'm trying to get out of this desert. I haven't stopped. I thirst for so many things but I know they won't happen right away so I keep marching forward. Baby steps.
For now, I humbly ask for your prayers. I know they will help me through this.