Thursday, December 3, 2015

Emmy: One, Week From Heck: Zero.

I'm okay. I'm alive. I'm (relatively) healthy. I'm still way behind on coursework, especially with everything that's happened lately... but I think I can finish everything (final paper, quizzes, and final exam) on time. I'm sure going to try. I've briefly cried from the stress but that's natural. I've vented to friends. I've prayed. I've come to the conclusion that I'll be okay. Hey, I'm not smiling for no good reason. I don't like showing false emotions that cover my true feelings. Actually, I'm fairly sure I'm incapable of doing it; people have told me that you can figure out what I'm feeling (or thinking, if you really know me) by simply looking at me.

I know some of you were worried about me after reading my blog post from last Tuesday. The feelings lingered through the next day or so but I stopped crying that night. (side note: huge shout out to the friends who either made me laugh or who let me vent it all out that evening.) I'm able to look back at the whole situation this way: I learned a lot from that meeting and for that I'm grateful. Yes, it hurt but good things came out of it. I got my prayer life back on track though it's not where it should be overall. I've been able to put God before everything else, though I'll admit that I still occasionally slip and get caught up in deadlines or lethargic feelings for a little while. Once I realize what I'm doing, I automatically shift my focus back on God. Also, bonus: I've had a couple of people benefit from my experience and it's led them to reevaluate their own prayer lives so it hasn't been all bad. :)

I also came to the conclusion that this was for the best. My former SD is a great priest (who maybe had an off day that day) but, as I was gently reminded by my mother and one of my best friends, I haven't gotten much out of my meetings with him for a while now. My prayer life needs to change. My spiritual growth has outgrown my daily prayer routine. As horrible as it sounds, I've gotten bored with the same routine and thus get caught up in just going through the motions. Maybe I would benefit from another priest's guidance.

I went through a period of confusion regarding everything but I think I've finally gotten clarity... or as much clarity as I can get while going through a rough time.

Despite confusion about whether I should continue with grad school or leave, I've felt peace about staying so I'm going to tough it out. Like I've repeatedly said, I do love my courses and my professors are great... I just got a bit overwhelmed falling behind on everything post-accident. I had to ask for an extension on my first Philosophy paper. I finished my Theology paper 4 hours after it was due because I decided that I would rather turn in the best paper I could instead of turning in something mediocre because I wanted to meet the deadline. I could've done that. I could've finished an hour before it was due... but it wouldn't have been my best work. I didn't even stress out when I couldn't upload my paper at 3 a.m. when I finished the paper and the school's website was down. That is unusual for me. Academic pride won't be a problem anytime soon. lol.

As for the career confusion: I was given many options lately but none that have felt right. Okay, let's put feelings aside: none of which I've discerned to be the right one for me. I've decided to postpone taking on a new job for now. I can afford that luxury -- to focus solely on school for the foreseeable future. If it gets to the point where I need an additional source of income (right now, novel royalties are helping), I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now: school is my focus. Whether I'll teach or work elsewhere will remain to be seen. All I can do is prepare myself for the future.

Regarding the topic I rarely write about on the blog or, really, talk about in general: I'm in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. There's not much I can do but pray for my future fella. I'm enjoying my time as a single lady (mostly because my parents raised a fiercely independent young woman). I've also learned to let go of any fears I might've had regarding my vocation. If anything, everything that I've gone through this year has shown me that I'm not only confident about my vocation but that I'm also ready for whatever God has in store for me. And that's all you'll get from me for a while so enjoy it. lol.

Yes, life has been tough. In the past week I:
- have lost my spiritual director.
- was billed for something my lawyer insisted I get done when my case was open and now refuses to pay for it.
- turned in an assignment late.
- have had my parking spot taken from me by the new building manager despite having it for years and being the oldest tenants.
- was relocated to the alley behind our building, not far from where a neighbor almost got raped a few months ago.
- was told by the manager's assistant that if something happened to me at 4 a.m. when I take my mom to work it wouldn't be "her problem." (The manager has since apologized for the remark).
- have been told by the latest mechanic that he wouldn't fix my car.
- was threatened with having my car towed out of my parking space even though I've been paying for it (included in my rent) if I don't move it out by tomorrow at 5 p.m.
- haven't had a chance to study or even read because I get pulled away to do other things by multiple people (this blog post actually took hours to write due to the same issue) throughout the day. Seriously, I haven't even eaten more than two slices of bread and three tortillas all day and it's now 5:32 p.m.
- and much more that I'm not even publicly sharing.

As I said, I've cried (to release the emotions instead of bottling them up) but that rarely lasts longer than a couple of minutes. I, thankfully, bounce back pretty quickly. I'm okay. I'm still smiling. I'm surprisingly optimistic about everything. My faith is growing stronger as is my trust in God. I keep repeating Psalm 46:1 and Philippians 4:13 (RSVCE) as well as offering everything up for the souls in purgatory. I'm good. Really. I promise. If you have a prayer to spare and want to send it my way, I won't say no. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all because I know some of y'all were/are and I haven't really blogged since. I've been so busy dealing with all these crumbs that I haven't had the time. Sorry.

I hope y'all are having a better week than I am (haha!). I will try to write again when I get the bulk of what I have due finished. Commence operation "Little Emmy That Could." ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

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