My Gift to Baby Jesus: My Heart and Vocation Discernment

"This is my Chrismas/birthday gift to you, baby Jesus. I'm letting go, once and for all."

With those uttered words, I took a deep breath and I finally let go of something I had reluctantly been holding onto for so long. I was going to wait until Christmas to "pull the trigger" but it became abundantly clear that I couldn't keep putting it off any longer. There were too many "signs" and circumstances that I couldn't ignore. The fact that it all happened on the last day of the 54-day Rosary novena was no coincidence either. Of that, I am sure. So, I let go. And, please, no one start singing that Frozen song. lol.

This is the first time I "give" a gift to the child Jesus but it was something that has been slowly growing in my heart in recent weeks. What it is that I let go, I can't publicly state out of respect for those involved but it was something that needed to be done in order to go forward with my discernment to consecrated virginity. Surprise! Or not. lol. I know those following me on Twitter and Instagram won't be surprised as I've mentioned it enough over the last couple of weeks but it will be for those not following me on those platforms who do read this blog.

Yes, you read that right: I am beginning my discernment to consecrated virginity. It has not been an easy road. The idea has come up more than once over the years but I've always stubbornly fought it because I was sure I was called to marriage and family. Then I discerned that and, well, there was something still missing. Don't get me wrong. I felt happy... but there was a God-shaped hole I just couldn't ignore.

To be honest, I hated not belonging fully to God; to feel like my heart was divided in two and that He wasn't getting more of me than He was getting. It didn't feel right to me. Of course, there's more to the story but it came down to my feeling pulled away from God and being miserable about it. Slowly, things began unraveling and the discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity became more and more clear. Once St. Agatha came up as my patroness for the year 2020 in the Saint's Name Generator (and then St. Philomena decided to officially join the party as my co-patroness; I'll write more about her soon), I knew I could no longer ignore the call.

As hard as letting go might've been (and it was!), I felt a tremendous peace doing it because I knew that it was what God was calling me to do. As a wise friend reminded me earlier this week, sometimes God calls us to sacrifice something for Him; to show Him that we're willing to follow Him instead of our own selfishness inclinations. Of course, I will continue to pray for those involved. I wish them peace and happiness. I also hope they understand that I couldn't, in good conscience, ignore God's call.

I am incredibly blessed to have the support of so many people -- friends and online acquaintances alike -- at the start of this journey. I don't have the full support of the most important person in my life, but I knew that going forward. God warned us that we would meet opposition when we gave everything up to follow Him, but it's something I'm willing to do. I know God, through the intercessions of Our Lady, St. Agatha, and St. Philomena, will grant me the fortitude necessary.

I don't know if this will ultimately be my vocation. I actually won't get to decide that either -- it'll be Archbishop Gomez! Yes, you read that correctly. I may discern all I want with my spiritual director but if Archbishop Gomez -- after hearing why I discerned this vocation and how I arrived to my conclusion that God may be calling me to this -- doesn't think it's truly what God is calling me to do, that will be the end of that. In obedience (as both a Benedictine Oblate and someone trying to properly discern this vocation), I will have to accept whatever decision he makes. Of course, I will pray that the Holy Spirit helps him arrive at the "final verdict" that is in accordance with God's will for my life. Still, it may end up being a long, hard discernment road that may end up with me back where I started.

The unknown can be anxiety-inducing, especially to someone who likes to make plans, but this is where I need to put my money where my mouth is. Do I truly trust God with childlike faith? I better do so because there is so much uncertainty right now. All I know is that God has cleared the path for me to move forward with my discernment and that is what I'm going to do. If anything, I will come out of this having discerned all the vocations and I will have no doubt as to what God is calling me to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with you on this beautiful Christmas Day.

Happy birthday, baby Jesus! I love You so much that I give You my whole heart and my entire vocation discernment. May God's will be done, not mine.

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying this beautiful day with your loved ones.

Oh, and happy anniversary to me! Today marks 12 years (whooooa!) since I started this blog. We're still just at the beginning of this adventure, y'all! Thank you so much for continuing to follow, support, and encourage me along the way. I pray for you all every time I do my nighttime prayers. :)

God bless you all!

Merry Christmas, Everyone! Happy 11th Anniversary, Blog!

"And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we saw his glory, the glory as it were of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth." (John 1:14) 

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you've all had (and are still having) a lovely day full of happiness, joy, laughter, and love. 

My mom had the rare Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off from work so we went to Midnight Mass last night. It was our first ever Christmas Midnight Mass (or Midnight Mass, period) and we fell in love with the Latin Mass all over again. It was a High Candlelit Mass and it was the most beautiful and reverent Mass I've ever had the blessing to witness. If ever I needed anything to breathe new life into my spiritual life, this was it. I was already planning on stepping up my Mass attendance to at least 2-3 times a week but now I'm downright giddy with anticipation about the next time I can attend daily Mass at my parish.

Today also marks the 11th (!!!) anniversary of this blog! I know I went M.I.A. for a month but I had a good reason. Basically, I was burnt out. I've been busy with work while running on empty from social media overload. I needed a break from everything and the last 10 days of Advent seemed like the perfect time to take that break. Thankfully, I also got a break from work this week so I'll be able to de-stress even more. Cue a self-care montage of me watching movies, reading books, drinking tea, baking, and silly dancing around my apartment for the rest of the week. lol.

To be completely honest, I was also unsure if I was going to continue this blog. It seems like almost no one reads blogs anymore. After some soul searching, I decided to keep my blog... and severely cut back on my social media usage. The break from writing and social media showed me that I truly missed blogging and that social media brings out the worst in me. Yes, it's wonderful for catching up with friends and all but I saw a very vain, proud, and angry side of me coming out lately and I hated it. I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't sure what was triggering it... until I completely cut social media out of my life. Not only do I feel like myself again, but those horrible traits -- especially anger -- also seem to have virtually disappeared. There is peace in my life and I feel happier and less stressed. I'll keep my accounts to catch up with those who choose to contact me through them and to post newly published articles but I'm done using it as I had for the past couple of years.

I also decided that I'm going to change the format of my posts. They'll be a lot more like the ones I posted when I first started this blog 11 years ago. If you weren't around that long ago, you'll see what I mean. ;)

Anyway, this is just a little update for y'all. 

Yes, the winners of the Magnificat Advent app were notified and given their codes before Advent, even if I didn't post it on here. 

Yes, we were able to do the 54-day Rosary novena (thanks, everyone!), even if I had to schedule the tweets and FB page posts for the last couple of days while I was on a social media break. :) 

Yes, I will be returning to blogging more often... God willing. 

Again, I hope you are all having a wonderful day and that you continue to have a lovely Christmastide season. For those of us who celebrate through February 2nd (Candlemas), let's do this! ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Merry Christmas, Everyone! Happy 9th Anniversary, Blog!

I just wanted to write a quick "Merry Christmas, everyone!" message to you lovely readers. I hope y'all have had a beautiful and blessed Christmas. I hope y'all had a chance to go to Mass, unlike me who woke up with my body aching and my mom at work. Of course, I then proceeded to feel better once the local day Masses were all finished. Sigh. Yes, it's an unfortunate no-Christmas Mass streak for me; I think I've been to Christmas Mass maybe once or twice in the past 10 years. I'm serious. Something always happens, almost without fail. Car issues, health issues...; you name it, it's probably happened. I gotta talk to a priest about that...

Today is also the 9th anniversary of this blog. Insert confetti, streamers, and noisemakers here. ;) 9 years ago, today, I bit the bullet and decided to start this blog. I actually spent a long time thinking about starting one but I didn't do it until right before Christmas Day ended in 2007. Wow, it'll be a decade next Christmas, God willing. Also, wow, I was 22 years-old when I started this blog. I was such a baby then. lol. I'm not perfect (at all; hashtag: understatement, lol) and I still have a lot to work on but having your lovely comments and support throughout the last 9 years has been amazing. A question for you long-time readers (5+ years; I know who some of you are): aren't you sick of my boring life yet? lol. ;)

Anyway, the apartment is freezing because we can't turn on the heater (side note: both Mom and I get headaches with heaters on) so I'm going to go walk around the living room for a little while to warm up. It's better than walking around, saying "¡tengo frío!" ("I'm cold!" in Spanish) every time I walk by my mom. Hooray for random dance party time. ;)

Thank you for continuing on this journey with me. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Merry Christmas! 8th Blog Anniversary!

Baby Jesus! Blog anniversary! Joy and happiness! Oh my!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope your day has been filled with lots of love and happiness, surrounded by your loved ones. If you're spending it solo (as I know a few friends are), I hope you get a chance to talk to some of your favorite people in any form of communication you are able to use. It's just mom and I so my phone has been busy today. :D

I could write something about the wonderful gift God has given us -- the reason why we celebrate the day -- but I'm (barely) functioning on 5 hours of sleep (all of which were slept yesterday; haven't slept at all today) and that means there's a very high chance it'll be uber sappy so I'll spare you of that. lol. I will say that I do hope that y'all attended Mass and/or were able to spend part of your day remembering the reason for the season. The Joyful Mysteries are technically not prayed today (Friday) but I would highly suggest doing at least the first and third Joyful Mysteries today. I'm totally copying some of y'all and throwing Jesus a proper party next year. Watch me. lol. ;)

Today also marks the 8th anniversary of this blog. Wait, 8 years?! Yes, that many. It's kind of crazy to think that I started this blog as a young 22 year-old who was still very new to the faith. I documented most of my 20s. That's amazing. To everyone who has shared in this journey with me -- whether you're a new reader or one of the first who've stuck around all 8 years -- I want to say a massive "thank you!"

I must admit that there have been times when I'm considered closing down the blog over the years but somehow someone always manages to unknowingly talk me out of it with their kind words. I think that's what keeps me writing -- messages from readers saying that blog post A inspired them or blog post B gave them hope that they weren't the only ones going through a particular situation. Though I don't find myself particularly inspiring -- I think I'm actually kind of dull, to be honest (lol) -- I'm glad that God has used me and this blog to help others in little ways.

Anyway, I won't keep y'all much longer. I just wanted to wish you all a beautiful day (or rest of day since this post is going up pretty late) and also thank you for everything. Here's to 8 more blogging years... if I have the guts to keep going that long. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D



P.S. If you already haven't done so, please don't forget to vote for the patron saint of 2016!

Christmas Anointing of the Sick

Happy New Year, everyone! I took a little break from blogging to enjoy some much needed time off... and to take care of my poor mama who ended up getting a 24-hour stomach bug yesterday. Everyone is well now and I have time to write so... here I am. :)

I wanted to write about something that few people know about. On Christmas Day, I received (for the second time) the Anointing of the Sick from my spiritual director. I actually didn't have that planned... at all. I talked to my SD after Mass and he asked if I wanted to get anointed because both mom and I hadn't been doing too well lately. I said okay (I had more unexplained weight loss, low platelets, low white blood count, low red blood count, low iron, etc.) because I knew the graces that come with the Anointing. Last time I received one was a couple of years ago when the doctors couldn't figure out what was going on with my stomach and it greatly helped.

This time around the doctors are still trying to guess what's going on with my platelets (they've yet to officially diagnose me with ITP), iron (I'm not absorbing it for some reason), and my being underweight despite eating 1800-2100 calories per day (most days). No, I don't exercise (doctor's orders, if you can believe it; I'm only allowed to take walks) so I shouldn't be losing so much weight or even failing to maintain the weight. It's been a tough time and I do have moments where I do feel frustrated and/or sad over it so I knew that the Anointing would help put things in perspective for me and would help me carry my cross with more humility and love and less distress and hopelessness. What I didn't count was the immediate results we saw in the blood draw the following day.

My doctor on the 26th (I have rotating doctors taking care of me) really wanted to get me checked for anemia since my iron had been so low for months. In fact, I had my blood drawn on the 23rd and my platelets and everything else was still low. My platelets had been at 119k (141k is low normal) so she also ordered a complete blood count. I got blood drawn that same day for immediate results. I got a copy of my results yesterday (since I don't have another doctor's appointment until late February, I didn't want to until that long to get my results) and was shocked to see that almost everything had jumped up. My platelets had gone up to 132k (I haven't had them that high in months, possibly a year or two). My white blood count and red blood count had gone up to normal numbers for the first time in months. It did show that I do have some iron-deficiency anemia but that can be taken care of with vitamin supplements. Some other things in the blood work came back a bit abnormal but not to the point where the doctor was concerned. On paper (and, really, in person) it looks like I'm on the mend. All of this from blood work taken a day after being anointed... 3 days after the first blood draw with (then) low levels. I couldn't believe it... yet, I could.

After I went to confession, I knelt in front of the tabernacle and thanked God for all the graces and blessings He's given me. I hadn't been doing well -- emotionally/psychologically or physically -- for a while. I might've not talked about it but I went through a brief period of depression due to health concerns late last year and it felt like a deep hole of despair that I couldn't get out of at its worse. My prayer life was in shambles. I still prayed but it was very monotonous; just going through the motions. I mentally knew that I had to trust God and I tried so hard to let go of any fear but it's sometimes hard when well-meaning people just make you feel worse and/or when you can't see that light at the end of the tunnel. I'd slowly felt myself getting out of that dark hole and the anointing made me feel like God had finally pulled me out of that hole.

No, my health isn't the greatest still but I don't feel so alone anymore. I think you can even see the difference in my blog posts. Seriously, compare the ones from before the 25th/26th of last month to the most recent ones -- you can tell the tone is different. Yes, I know that the future (as far as my health) is unknown but I feel more prepared to face it on. See? I'm building on the whole bravery thing I talked about last time. ;)

If some of you can please refrain from the "oh, you're always sick," "I feel so bad for you," or comments similar to that (which are well meaning, I'm sure, but end up making me feel worse), I'd greatly appreciate it. I don't want anyone to feel pity towards me. I'm sharing all of this because I hope that it'll help someone going through the same thing (or a similar health issue) not feel so alone. I have faith that God will help me. If it's a cross I need to carry, He knows why and I know I have to (and I do) trust Him. His plans for me are greater than those I have for myself. Who knows, maybe this is all temporary because I need to learn or gain something from it. Whatever is God's will, I accept wholeheartedly.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with y'all. :D I'm really enjoying listening to the 99 Most Essential Romantic Masterpieces album so I'm going to call it a night on social media and listen to that while I have some silent prayer time before bed. Yes, I know listening to music and having "silent" prayer time means it won't be entirely silent but I've found that I do some of my best heart-to-heart moments with God when there's music involved. You know St. Cecilia is proud of me. ;)

I hope y'all have a wonderful rest of weekend! I'll be praying for y'all. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Merry Christmas! Happy Blog Anniversary!

Merry Christmas, everyone! Remember what we're celebrating today -- the hope, the love, and the joy that we've all been blessed with through the incarnation of our Lord Jesus Christ. It's not about what material wealth you might've acquired today; it's about what the birth of the Son of God means for us all. I hope y'all take a moment out of your day (outside of Mass) and give thanks for the wonderful gift we were given on this day. It wouldn't hurt to do the Joyful Mysteries of the Rosary either. I know it's not Monday or Saturday but maybe we can have the exception seeing how it's Christmas. ;)

Also, thanks for those who've been with me since the beginning! Today mark's the 7th anniversary of this blog. I started it on Christmas night in 2007. Crazy to think that I would still be writing, 7 years later. I may not write as much as I did then (I certainly don't have the free time I had as a 22 year-old), but I still enjoy sharing my journey with y'all. (P.S. I was forgetting about the anniversary because I focus on Jesus today. lol.) I don't know what the next year holds but you can be sure that I will still be documenting it as best as I'm able (and as much as I'm comfortable sharing. ;D)

Alright, I'm going to go have myself a Love Comes Softly movie marathon before I shut off all devices for the day/night. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

7 Quick Takes Vol. 12: Blog Anniversary Edition

-- 1 --

As many of you know, Christmas Day is also this blog's anniversary. However, I don't think my blogging anniversary is bigger than the reason for the season (Happy Birthday, Jesus!) so I didn't mention it on the post I wrote that day. Anyway, this year marked the 6th anniversary of this blog (it was created before midnight, on the 25th). Crazy. Even crazier to think about how much I've grown in the past 6 years... and how I've blogged for the majority of my 20s. I wonder how many more years I can keep it up...

-- 2 --

Some of you who read Monday's blog post have been wondering if I went through with wearing a mantilla to Christmas Mass (I have been asked since the day of) and the answer is: YES! It felt so good to not only attend Mass (haven't gone the past years due to illness or transportation issues) but to also wear the mantilla. I felt a bit self-conscious at first (due to previous experience) but, thankfully, the parishioners where I attend Mass are so lovely that I felt at peace. In fact, I saw two other veiling ladies (a mother and her young daughter) and another mother said to her little girls "oh, look! she's veiling!" in a manner that made me feel really nice. Also, who knew mantillas were such guy magnets? I'm talking to you, dude who kept looking at me throughout Mass a few pews in front of me. 'Sup? lol.

-- 3 --

This Christmas marked the 5th one we celebrated without my father (he died in mid 2009). Though it was hard, it was the first time that we weren't sad little pandas. Of course we still feel his death but we can now look back (and talk about him) in a way that celebrates his life instead of mourning his passing. I'm calling it a Christmas Day miracle.

-- 4 --

Is it weird that I was kind of bummed that I couldn't do a What I Learned Wednesday post this week? Yep. I won't be able to next Wednesday either as it's New Year's Day and I try to save those days for other things. I have a lot of awesome things to share but I must wait a couple of days. You'll see the post eventually... and you'll see why I felt like a kid on Christmas when I learned something about the faith (on my own!) that I had confirmed as true. ;)

-- 5 --

I finally got through the novena of this blog's patron saint for 2013, Mary, Undoer of Knots. I finished it (and two others) on Christmas Eve. It was a hard one to get through. I basically had something go wrong on almost every single day that I did the novena. It was like a mini-version of the 54 Day Rosary Novena in which everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. I'm proud of myself for sticking it out though I was tempted to stop a couple of times. Seriously, I almost stopped on the last day as I felt faint, I was sweating cold, and I felt like my anxiety was out of control while I prayed it in front of the tabernacle. Still, I stuck it out and I would do it again... and most likely will.

-- 6 --

Friendly reminder that it's STILL CHRISTMAS. Yes, I had to bold and capitalize it. I know that (in Los Angeles) KOST 103.5 stopped playing music yesterday but it's still Christmas time for us Catholics. Christmas doesn't end (at least not liturgically) until the Octave of the Epiphany (the Baptism of the Lord) but it will continue being Christmastide until Candlemas. Who's up for celebrating until February 2nd? lol.

-- 7 --

And here's one of my favorite works of art of baby Jesus, found of tumblr. I wish I could frame this. If anyone knows who the original artist is, let me know!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Anyway, I'm starting my annual clean-a-thon super late this year (today!) and I have less than 5 days to finish so... I need to go get started like right now. ;)

I hope y'all had a lovely Christmas Day. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to post a quick message and wish y'all a wonderful Christmas. Thank you for sticking around for as long as you have. I pray that reflecting on the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ will bring you all love, happiness, and hope.

Sincerely,

Not So "Traditional" Advent

The title for this blog post will make sense at the end. Just wait it out and see. ;)

This year I decided that I was okay with not having a "traditional" Advent for a number of reasons. See, what I consider a "traditional" Advent is having an Advent wreath, a Jesse Tree, the Nativity, and doing a number of things with the family in preparing for Our Lord's birth (Christmas); a number of things that are done as a family. We are doing the Advent wreath (which mom was able to bless for the first time thanks to the USCCB having translators on their pages) and the Nativity but those aren't even done in the "traditional" way.

The reason for this is because mom and I have a whole different dynamic going on. I know each family is different but ours is still getting used to doing things different; even four years and some months after my father's death. Mom is the head of the household but, God bless her, she's just getting into the faith so a lot of the "head of household" / "father" roles fall on me because she's still learning and not as confident in taking that "lead" role. i.e. Traditionally, dads bless the Advent wreath. This year mom did it and last year I did it. Readings? I'm doing them, though I will be reading them in Spanish since my mom's more comfortable with her native tongue. As for the Nativity, I'm doing it by myself. We have no children. Jesse Tree? I'm reading the daily passages by myself.  

I'm in this weird limbo phase in life right now. I'm young enough to be called young but too old to have my behavior excused as being a product of my youth. I'm apparently old enough to be sought after for advice but young in the sense that I don't have "enough" life experience (i.e. a husband and a family of my own). I'm out of school but I've recently wrapped up my career as a freelance writer (I have one more assignment to finish this year before I'm done). I'm five months away from returning to school for a change of career and I'm sort of just waiting for "Prince Charming" to fix his GPS or to finally ask for direction... without just sitting around and waiting for him (I have my own things going on in the meantime). A lot of things that are fun to do during my favorite time of year I just can't do like everyone else does... but that's okay. 

When I saw that my Advent wasn't going to be like most people's, I thought "well, how can I make the most out of this time?" Besides attending daily Mass as often as I can and besides keeping up my prayers and the readings in the Advent calendars, what can I do? My faith has taken some hits in the past couple of weeks (mostly my trying to figure out where my priorities are) so this is the perfect time to work on that. That's for me. But what about what I can do for others? 

I've been paying attention what Pope Francis has been saying about helping the poor (including those who are poor in spirit) prior to the released of Evangelii Gaudium and reflecting on that sparked the "a-ha" moment for me. This Advent, I'm just going to "give" -- but none of it will be material.

This is the perfect time for us to reflect the love of God unto others, especially those who don't see it as easily as others. I may not have enough financial stability to help others in things they may need (i.e. food, clothes, etc.) but God has given me a great compassion and love for those who suffer that I know that there are other ways I can help. I know this will bring up comments from others (as well as being made fun of; it's happened more than once) that will make me feel terrible and even, yes, cry but it's something I'll willing to endure.

I know prayers may not seem like much to some people, but that's the only thing I can keep "giving" in which the well will never dry up. I do give when I can but when I "can't" I can always remember the saying that "prayer moves mountains" and I can always keep praying for those who need it. If I can point them in a direction (or even connect them to a person/place) that I know can help them, I'm going to do it.

I know "giving" isn't part of the "traditional" Advent season but I'm looking at it this way: as we prepare to celebrate the birth of Our Lord, others prepare themselves to simply survive the season. There are people who are homeless who will be freezing in the streets, just as Our Lord was born in an undoubtedly cold stable. My hope is that the little things I do for others will bring them hope, just like the birth of Jesus gave all hope.

That's going to be my new challenge to all my readers: reflect the love of God onto others. Give them the hope that we all experience during Advent. Remind them that God always provides, even when things are to a point where they feel completely and utterly helpless. Those are my Advent plans; focus on what Advent means for us Catholics (and Christians) while helping others to do the same in ways that aren't as obvious.

Anyway, that's all for now. :) I hope you have all had a good week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 9: Jumble Edition

-- 1 --

I have not given up on blogging! I told y'all that NaNoWriMo would mean less posts than usual because I'd be focused on the novel. However, I had an epiphany these past days that basically boils down to "NaNoWriMo is not as important to me as my Faith"... which, I am ashamed to admit, I have not been horrible at. So NaNoWriMo is now on the backburner (though I do still write) to everything else. I won't let me competitiveness get the best of me. This also means: expect more blog posts from me before the month ends.

-- 2 --

Like I said, I've been neglecting my "Catholic" side... and this is what I was worried about when I chose to do speech therapy. I've been so busy (volunteering, writing, taking care of my sick mama) that prayer and everything else is sort of pushed back. Not intentionally but I don't like it. Now I have to figure out how to do everything whilst keeping my prayer life up. I've never had to juggle so many things at once (at least, not since my reversion) so it'll be an interesting challenge. Still, not giving up on my faith.

-- 3 --

I promise never to post inside jokes on Twitter again. I did last night and I got grief for it. I will say this, though: it's a sad day when I cannot make a joke that a few people will get a kick out of because others take everything I say literally... and then put words into my mouth. Seriously, not worth it. Next time it happens (that people misinterpret what I say and then pretty much call me a liar because they misinterpreted me), I'm not returning from Narnia. Just send my mail and everything else to Cair Paravel, 'kay?

-- 4 --

For those of you who were worried about me after my last What I Learned Wednesday post, I'm happy to report that there will be no danger there. I was just informed that, since I cannot get the flu shot (allergic to eggs) and I cannot wear a mask whilst volunteering, I cannot go back until March. It's a hospital and they don't want me exposed to viruses and vice versa during flu season. Problem solved. lol.

-- 5 --

I officially have all of my Advent things ready to go. Bought the candles for the Advent wreath last week and had been getting a couple of other things over the last couple of months so I'm ready. Now if I can just convince mom to get a little Christmas tree (she doesn't like them), I can get ready for Christmas season...

-- 6 --

My dear friend, Kathryn, had her baby girl today and I couldn't be more excited for her. :D She already has a little boy, Adam (who actually inspired me to become a speech therapist), but I know her little girl is just going to bring so much joy to her family. And, because I know many of you are military wives, I'm also going to pass along the fact that her e-book, Journey Through Deployment, is now out for y'all to read. She didn't ask me to plug it; I just wanted to because she's been a great friend for many years. :D

-- 7 --

Speaking of e-books... I decided to get my novels self-published. After seeing (and hearing) how much better it is from both Kathryn and Nancy, I've decided to take this path. The novels will be published as e-books for the time being. Yes, I do find it ironic that I've chosen the medium that I don't like (seriously, I still don't like e-books) to get published. Judge away! lol. So far I will say that I'm not far from moving forward and that I've gotten good responses from three friends (two ladies and a dude) who have read the entire first novel. More details (hopefully) coming soon. ;)

And that's all for now. I'm gonna go... write or watch a movie. I haven't decided yet. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope that you are all having a wonderful, blessed day surrounded by your loved ones (whether they be family and/or friends).

I know this past year has been incredibly difficult for many of us (whether it be because of health, familial, or financial problems), so I hope and pray that with the celebration of the birth of our Savior we may also remember all the graces and gifts He has given us throughout the year. Remember that He loves us so dearly that He sent His son to save mankind. Let's put aside all the bad and focus on the good. :)

As of 10 p.m.-ish PST, it is also this blog's 5th anniversary but I won't steal Baby Jesus' day so I'll write something more on the subject tomorrow. :)

Again, I hope you all have a fantastic day. I will keep y'all in my prayers.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Music Monday: Please, No Christmas Music!

Okay, I totally not a Scrooge (I LOVE Christmas) but I just can't get into Christmas music just yet. Hallmark Movies? Yes. It's one of my guilty pleasures but I can't get into anything else that has to do with Christmas. To me (as well as my many fellow Catholics), the Christmas season doesn't start until the start of Advent... and we're still days away from that. Here in L.A, both 94.7 The Wave and Coast 103.5 have their 24/7 Christmas music on. Sorry, I just can't.

Since most of us are in the same boat, I thought that it would be a good idea to create a playlist of songs that have nothing to do with Christmas but remind me of autumn and winter.

For the record, these songs are really up my old fashioned gal alley so I don't expect you all to like them. In fact, I don't think many of you will. lol. I adore the era of the 1940s through early 1950s so don't be surprised to see so many songs from that era. ;) For those of you who do enjoy these kinds of songs, you are more than happy to bookmark this post and listen to the songs until the start of Advent.



And this is my contribution to the "Save Christmas" campaign. ;)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work. No rest for the wicked. lol.

I hope y'all have a great week! Let me know if you have any prayer requests. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Feeling God's Love Despite Food Poisoning and Attacks

The reason why there were no posts the 24th or yesterday were because I spent the night of the 24th into the 25th, most of yesterday, and part of today in bed with food poisoning. A neighbor made these really delicious tamales but, of course, they made me sick. I felt absolutely horrid yesterday so that is why I didn't get a chance to post the last two blog posts I had planned. I started one on the 24th but I fear the information is now irrelevant so I decided not to post it. Basically, it was about the Christmas traditions we were going to have yesterday but since none of them happened... well. You got it. :) Ah, well. Que sera, sera.

I didn't attend Mass yesterday because of how badly I felt. I think I felt worse that this was the 5th consecutive Christmas (since my reversion) that I hadn't gone to Mass. The first three years I couldn't attend because I had major anxiety and I could barely leave the house (yes, it was that bad). I was sick last year too (a combo of anxiety and something else). I couldn't have gone though; not in the state I was in yesterday. If I wasn't lying down, I was in trouble... and even when I was lying down I felt sick. I'm actually still experiencing a bit of stomach cramping as I type this out but I'll be fine. :) It's sad though. Something always gets in the way of Christmas Mass. :( One day it'll happen. :)

On the bright side, though I've been attacked lately (more on that in the paragraphs after this one), I felt (and still feel) God's love throughout the whole thing and that's the wonderful thing about Christmas. You may be in the crummiest situation but you know that things will still get better because God wants what's best for you. Whether you're sick, you get your heart broken, or are financially strapped, you know that God will pull you out of it at some point. Isn't that what Advent and Christmas are about? Focusing on the hope, the love, the joy, and the peace that comes with the birth of Christ. Because he was born, we know that knowing is impossible where God is concerned.

It's kind of funny that I feel like I've been experiencing spiritual attacks for the past couple of weeks yet I still feel this way. Apart from the food poisoning, the personal attacks, the number of nightmares I've had all Advent in which I find myself battling against the evil one (and in one of them, he laughed in my face until I started praying a Hail Mary and then he got mad) and all of that, I still feel God's love. My worst weaknesses, which make me most prone to sin (which I haven't given into), have been attacked as well. Think of your weaknesses and multiply them by about 50 and you have my situation. This is not unusual for me; I usually experience this during Advent and Lent but, still, not happy. I am already in need of confession because I lost my temper recently but it could've been worse. Much worse. Side note: By the way, I am not being scrupulous when I say I need to go to confession for this particular thing -- though I was certainly accused of it on Christmas Eve. I know my faults and my weaknesses and I know that certain things, though they may not seem "so bad" to some people, I need to confess on the urging of my confessor so that I can be more aware of it in the future (and thus avoid it if I am able to).

Oh, and by the way, I do share some pretty personal things on this blog but it's all been things I've felt like sharing. Before I get more into this I'd like to say: wow, I cannot believe this blog is 4 years old as of yesterday. I got the idea on Christmas Day 2007 to open this blog a year into my reversion to sort of keep track of how I was doing. The topics and my style of writing has changed from the early days. It's been nice to be able to go back and read the first couple of posts. I was so different back then. I really did not know what I was doing but I tried. I still don't know what I'm doing but that's okay. lol. My first readers were my best friends. Now I have readers I don't personally know from all over the world (I think I've reached all continents, except Antarctica, at this point) but whom I now consider part of my little online world. :)

For the past couple of weeks I've been wanting to take this blog in a slightly different direction: have it be a little more faith based. It's going to be one of my New Year's Resolutions. I want to get back on track of my original purpose. I think some of you have noticed what I'm talking about, especially with the last couple of posts. Things will be and look slightly different come January 1st. That's all I'm saying. Y'all will just have to stay tuned and see what I mean. ;)

Okay, going back to what I was saying: like I said in my failure post, I make a lot of mistakes and if a mistake of mine can help someone else avoid making that mistake, then I am fulfilling the whole reason why I even started this blog in the first place. Up to that point, I didn't know of any other blog that had any sort of personal stories about having anxiety/panic attacks and having it tied with Catholicism or faith in general. A lot of my early posts were about this topic (the St. Dymphna post remains one of most viewed to date). My anxiety is no longer as bad as it was then (though I know it's going to be a lifelong affliction I will have to deal with) so the posts aren't as frequent. My life at the moment is about school and how my mistake in choosing the CINO college is affecting me. I'm sure if I'm still blogging when I get married and have my children I will write about that.

I've always wanted to write things that other people wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable writing to show others that if they're going through the same thing, they're not alone. My anxiety posts introduced a lot of people to St. Dymphna and I am so happy that God used me to help them in some way. I've had two people tell me they sought help for their anxiety (one ended up being thyroid related and other other got counseling) and that is the reason why I started blogging. How many of us have felt alone when we thought we were the only ones going through something? How many of us felt despair during those times? No one wants to talk about suffering anxiety because of stigma attached to it but I didn't care as long as it helped at least one more person. Likewise, I write about stuff I stink at and things I learn from mistakes I make because I want to show that it's possible to be completely flawed but still have an ardent love for life and for God. As I wrote on my Google Talk status yesterday: the love between God and I is something that nothing will be able to damage, no matter what dumb I thing. He's going to love me no matter what and I'm going to try to live my life in a way that shows that I love Him too.

As I've mentioned before, I don't share everything because I feel like there are certain parts of my life that should be kept between myself, the other person, and God. By this I mean, I will very rarely talk about my own relationship stuff because I'm notoriously private about it. There's even a running joke between my closest friends that I will probably marry and have children and people won't find out about it until my children are grown. lol. There are a number of other topics that are off-limits so please don't be offended if you tweet, comment, or email me a question and I don't want to answer. It's not personal against you, I'm just not comfortable talking about it.

Also, please don't so negative and hurtful with some of your comments. You might be having a rough day or something but please don't take it out on me. I was personally attacked twice on Christmas Eve for something I shared and it wasn't too pleasant. I feel like we should stop judging each other (especially when we don't have all the facts to make those judgments with) and really support one another because no one is perfect and we all undoubtedly mess up from time to time. There is no reason why, during one of the most special times of the year that should be filled with love and happiness, we should feel like it's okay to be so negative towards each other. Hugs, not hate, people. :)

Okay, and now this blog post is longer than intended. I'm sorry. lol. That is what happens when you're in bed for almost 48 hours. :)

Anyway, I hope y'all had a wonderful Christmas full of love, warmth, and all that goodness that makes these days special. :D Oh, and please don't forget to vote for the patron saint for 2012. There are only 3 full days left to vote so please get 'em in. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless! :D

Christmas Traditions; First Year with a Nativity

As Christmas is only a few days away I've been trying to figure out just what Christmas traditions we're going to be doing to sort of make up for last year since we didn't celebrate anything from the last Father's Day (June 2009) we had my dad until my 25th birthday this year. Unfortunately, we were still in mourning and kind of numb to everything last Christmas so there was no celebrating. This year, however, I've been on a mission to celebrate Advent and Christmas properly. Being Mexican, Spanish, Irish, and Italian I have a lot of traditions that I'm trying to incorporate into our humble celebrations this year.

First off, with the help of my confessor, Fr. Peter, we were finally able to convince mom to get a Nativity scene. Yes, you read that right: we didn't have one until last week. Actually, we had one when I was growing up but it got broken/thrown away/lost when I was about 7 years old. We haven't even had a Christmas tree since I was that age as well. My parents weren't/aren't anti-Christmas but for some reason we just didn't really celebrate it aside from some presents (though I didn't always get those because I've asked for no presents for a number of years) and the occasional Mass. As I said, things are going to change this year.

The main thing behind my plans is that we remember one important thing: Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Christ and the hope that gives the world. The Nativity, though quite small, in the living room was the first step. As mom and I are still growing in our faith (and I don't think we ever stop growing with in comes to the love we feel for God), it was important for us that this (as well as the Advent wreath and candles at the beginning of Advent) were the first things that were taken care of. Since I've been stuck in bed (and indoors) for the past 5 days, both due to being sick and due to the torrential rain, I haven't been able to put the other plans into action just yet. Hey, I have 2 more days and most of what I need involves going grocery shopping and cooking/baking so I am not behind schedule. ;)

We have one new tradition, inspired by my paternal grandmother's side of the family, which I have ready but I won't have up until Christmas Eve. In Ireland there is a tradition of lighting a candle and placing it in the windowsill on Christmas Eve. It is said that this was done to symbolize a welcome to the Blessed Virgin Mary and St. Joseph on their search for shelter. Tradition says that the light is to be lit by the youngest member of the family, which is me in this household as it's just mom and I. Tradition also says that the candle should be extinguished only by someone in the family named Mary but the last Mary we had was my late paternal grandmother so we'll have to assign this to either a guest (since we've had family members unexpectedly stop by) or my mom turn it off. Yes, "turn it off" since we will have an LED candle on the window. Since we live in an apartment, and the manager would have a cow if we lit an actual candle overnight, we'll have to settle for one that we can get away with. :D

I will spend Christmas Eve baking. I've never tried to make a pandoro (an Italian sweet bread; a nod to my maternal grandmother's part of the family) but I guess this weekend is as good as any to try. We may buy a Mexican Rosca (different style from the Spanish and Portuguese versions) but those are usually pretty expensive and too big for us. I would attempt to bake it by myself for Christmas but I may not have enough time with all the other things planned. I'll save the attempt for the Epiphany in which, once again, our heritage will help us celebrate. I will save those celebrations for another post though. ;) I also have other plans that involve food but not for ourselves. I enjoy giving for more than receiving... and my friends can attest to my specific instructions for no presents both on Christmas and my birthday (though I'm rarely listened to.)

I will try to go to Midnight Mass this year though I will have to go by myself as my mother has to work on Christmas and her shift starts at 5 in the morning. (There is no rest for those who work in hospitals.) If not, I will at least be tuning in to the Solemn Mass of Christmas Eve with Pope Benedict XVI via EWTN (online as Time Warner Cable is greedy and took my channels away) and then attending Mass on Christmas morning.

I'm always curious to hear others' Christmas traditions so please share if you'd like in the comment section! :D

Alright, I have a lot to do as I'm a couple days behind on the annual clean-a-thon (those reading this blog long enough will know what I'm talking about) and I need to start getting the last phases on my plans in motion. :D

OH! And if you haven't already: please vote for the patron saint of this blog for the coming year. At the moment, St. Therese of Lisieux is in the lead with 10 points followed by Mary Undoer of Knots and St. Gemma Galgani tied for second with 8 votes each, and Blesseds Louis and Zelie Martin, St. Raphael Archangel, and St. Thomas Aquinas tied for third with 7 points each. Last year it really came down to the last day of voting for St. Cecilia to win so your vote still counts. Only 9 more days of voting left! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Merry Christmas; 2 Year Anniversary

I just wanted to stop by and wish everyone a Merry Christmas! What a wonderful, joyous holiday... to think that Our Lord was born and gave a new light and hope to the world. :D I hope y'all remember what the day is truly about, and less about the materialistic aspects the overly secular society wants to you focus on.

Also, hey, it's this blog's two year anniversary. Two years ago, today, I decided (spur of the moment decision) to start a blog and chronicle my life coming back to the Church. Though I believe I have grown up quite a bit (and this is based on looking at the first couple of entries I wrote), I don't think my journey is. I hope I get to write more in the second year. :)

Again, I wish you all a Merry Christmas! God bless you all! :D

- Emmy Cecilia

Merry Christmas!; Christmas Mass; One Year Anniversary!

Note: I am posting this a day late. I started it yesterday but didn't finish it on time. :D

A very Merry and Blessed Christmas to everyone!!! What a beautiful day! A day to thank God for sending us His son, Jesus Christ, for our salvation. :D I LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas, not only because of what the day represents but I love the closeness it promotes. It's awesome! :D

Today's been such a great day for me! I went to Mass. Not just any Mass, a SPANISH, Christmas Mass. That was HUGE for me. If you've read this blog long enough, you know I tend to avoid Spanish Masses because of how crowded they tend to get. Crowds + Anxiety = Panic Attack. In fact, I hadn't gone to a Spanish Mass since the January Mass where Fr. Stan was reading my mind. But, that was a weekday Mass and thus not crowded. Anyway, since both the local and usual (where I usually go) parishes had only one or two English Masses earlier in the morning, when it was raining cats and dogs, I had to attend a Spanish Mass. (side note: There were several non-Spanish speaking people at the Mass.) So, I got ready and was determined to make it through the Mass. I got there, saw that it wasn't that crowded and thanked the Lord. But, the second I went in I was hit with the intense smell of the incense. I have a very sensitive nose so I thought "Uh... I'm out!" Luckily, the back room has windows AND speakers so you can watch and listen to the Mass without being in the main room (which was not very well ventilated). On the down side, there is NO sitting. So, I had the choice of making myself sick with the smell of incense... or tough it out and stand throughout the entire Mass. Which did I choose? I stood the entire Mass. My back ached, I felt kind of weak (been feeling more and more weak as each day passes), but I was determined to make it through the entire Mass and to received the Eucharist. And, I did.

I had my little moments of anxiety, especially walking towards the altar in the middle of all the people (I was second in line to receive communion) from the back to the front. I just kept looking at my feet, or up at the cross, internally praying and asking God to please not let me faint. I stood there, shaking, until Fr. Juan and the other Eucharistic ministers finished with the elders and the sick who can't get in line (it's custom at the local church that they go first). Then I walked back to the back room, where my dad was waiting (he stuck it out, standing, with me) and I just burst into tears. Happy tears! To be able to attend Mass, a dreaded (only because of the crowds) one, and to receive the Eucharist without breaking out into an actual panic attack was amazing for me. I thanked God, in my mind, for helping me through it all. At the end of Mass, we got in line to kiss one of the two baby Jesus statues Fr. Juan and the other deacon (his name escapes me, sorry!) were holding. After we did that, we came home and that was it. :D

I didn't really do anything for Christmas. I didn't really get presents, but that's just how I wanted it. For once, my friends listened to me when I said "NO PRESENTS!" lol. I would rather they do something for someone and say that that is their gift for me, than getting material things. Last year, my adoptive "sister" DJ donated to a charity in my name, which was the best gift I could've received. Oh, I did receive an A in my History of World Religions course!!! That was a great present. My professor updated the grades in the afternoon so it counts as a present. :D So, not counting the Philosophy of Logic grade which I still don't know about since we have no idea if the professor will curve the grade like he did with the midterm, I've received two A's and one B thus far! Whoo! :D I should be receiving at least a B (86%) in Philosophy so I'm not worrying. If the professor curves the grade, then, whoo! lol. Either way, I'll be a happy camper. :D

Anyway... moving on... I cannot believe it's been exactly ONE YEAR since I started this blog. I honestly had no idea where I would be going with the blog, but I'm happy with how it's turned out. I didn't even plan on starting it on Christmas, last year, but that's how it happened. I'm glad to have made the friends I've made through this blog. It makes me feel good when I get messages about particular topics or even prayer requests. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that other people no longer feel they are the only ones going through certain things. :D I thank the Lord that I've been able to write as much as I have. I've not yet begun either. There are more topics I will write about; more personal stories I will share. :D

And with that, I will end the blog. :D You'll get this a day late 'cause I felt sick yesterday afternoon (Christmas). Been feeling really weak and fatigued but I'm chalking it up to some leftover anxiety that's manifesting itself physically. That happens with me... it may take days for anxiety to get released. :D

Thank you all for helping me make this blog what it is today. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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