Feast of the Betrothal and My Vocation

Happy feast of St. Francis de Sales, patron saint of writers (and my career patron!), everyone! I had originally planned to have this post up yesterday since it was the feast of the betrothal (espousals) of the Blessed Virgin Mary and St. Joseph but I've had a rough couple of days so I'm posting it a day late. Better late than never, right?

You didn't know this feast existed? Well, it does! Because I tend to lean "trad," I've heard of (and seen) betrothal ceremonies amongst other young Millennial Catholics. It's a beautiful ceremony and it's on my list of things I want to do if I ever get engaged to be married. 

I've actually been thinking a lot about my vocation discernment lately. I know, I know... I'm usually quiet about this part of my life but I'll let you guys in on what's going on with me. Long story short: I'm not quite sure where I'm going in this area of my life. I've gotten to a point where I'm in need of spiritual direction (and will be receiving some in the days to come; I've already made plans with a priest I highly respect) because I feel a little lost. 

Yes, I self-imposed a dating break last summer and it was honestly the best decision because I had too much going on. Between school stress and what I had to figure out (small-v) vocation-wise, I just didn't think it was a good idea to add a fella to the mix. There was someone during that time but I took it to prayer and it became clear that it wasn't the time... nor the fella... for me and I felt at peace with that. 

I keep telling my friends that I'm pretty much resigning myself to staying single. I do want to move forward and I'm open to whatever God's will is for me... but that little voice of doubt comes up now and then and asks the same question over and over again. I'm almost 33, aren't I too old to find a good guy?

When I remembered that the feast of the betrothal was coming up, I did a novena to St. Anne. I purposely started it 9 days before the feast day. No, it wasn't, "St. Anne, St. Anne, bring me a man!" It was more "St. Anne, please help me figure out what my vocation is." If you're wondering if that means that I'm open to the possibility that I may not be called to marriage, after all, the answer is, "Yes!"

While I was doing the novena, I kept reminding myself that any vocation that God has in store for me is the perfect fit for me because it will be part of His will for me. I may very much desire to get married and have children (my heart does long for that family) but I am open to that possibly not being what will end of being my vocation. I stated as much those 9 days I prayed the novena. "May God send me the man that He has in store for me... if that is my vocation. If it isn't, may I figure out what my true vocation is."

I already know I'm not meant for a religious vocation. I discerned (and re-discerned) that in my early 20s and again in my late 20s. What I am open to are the other two options: marriage and consecrated virginity. Gasp! I know. lol. I have a great godson so I will get a taste of motherhood, albeit spiritual, if I'm not called to get married and have children of my own. Again, I greatly desire it but if it's not in His plans for me, I've resigned myself to that possibility. I'm taking my abandonment to His Divine Providence seriously, y'all.

I've been joking that Catholic Match has been stalking me on Twitter the past two days (because they have! Good grief, y'all!) but I'm not taking that as a "sign." I'm not rushing this. I've never rushed this. I've always taken any potential fellas (and there have been a couple over the years... even though I never say anything) to prayer. I've entrusted my heart to the Immaculate Heart of Mary when it comes to my vocation because I've seen people make mistakes. I've seen people get married because they felt alone and hated it... and then they regretted it. I don't want that for me. Sure, I'm getting older (I'll be 33 in May) and people like to remind me that "the window for children is closing" but don't see that as a reason to rush. 

That's where I am right now. I'm not afraid of what He may call me to do. I know some single women in their late 20s through late 30s live in fear of never marrying but I don't. I don't know if it's because I've always been an independent lady or because I've resigned myself to God's will. I know that, while there may be a disappointment if I'm not called to the vocation of marriage and family, I will find greater consolation in doing His will. I'd rather give up something I truly wanted if it's for my greater good than to go against His will. 

Sorry if this post sounds like a downer but this is the reality, folks. I may not get what I want but God will make sure that I get what I need and that's all I can truly hope for. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. I've had a headache for nearly 24 hours now and I want to rest as much as I can. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Third Novel and Vocation Thoughts

Hello, everyone! I've been working hard on the third novel which is why I haven't been blogging much lately. That and I didn't like the idea of the novena posts being interrupted by random posts. I know some of you are wondering if the third novel is a continuation of the Will and Lina novels and the answer is no. It's a completely different story with new characters. Some things (i.e. locations) may be similar but this novel is different, darker even. I'm really enjoying writing it (despite the writer's blocks I've encountered) and I have an August 25 deadline so, you know, I gotta work hard. The ending is currently eluding me, which has never happened to me before -- I usually have the middle and ending written out first, but I'll sure it'll all work itself out when I least expect it.

Yesterday, I was reflecting on how I've gone through a major change in my life during the time that I've written each novel. The first novel was written during two major changes in my life: prior and following the death of my father and my time before and following my graduation from my CINO (Catholic in name only) alma mater. The second novel was written at a time where I was at an academic and career crossroads... and I had also realized (too late) that I'd fallen in love for the first time in my life. (side note: it didn't end up like it did in the novel, obviously). This third novel is being written during another big change which involved my vocations (career and life).

I'm trying to keep details off the blog (for now) since what I went through in the past 6-7 months served as the inspiration for the plot although, as usual, it's not exactly autobiographical. As weird as it may sound, I feel like perhaps I need to write this for other young women (or men) who may be the in the same boat. I don't think it's a coincidence that St. Francis de Sales has been popping up everywhere in the past 4 months and that a lot of my ideas for the plot/chapters come up while I pray the Rosary. I keep wondering if God wants me to write this because there seems to be a need to talk about the topic the novel focuses on. I haven't seen a single Catholic blogger (or, really, any blogger) ever touch on this particular topic but I've definitely seen the need to address it. How's that for vague (for now)? lol. I decided to write it as a novel instead of a non-fiction book because it's where I feel most comfortable. People who don't know what's truly happening in my life (only a handful of people know) won't know what was taken straight from my experiences and which was inspired by the events and fictionalized. Either way, I actually feel called to write this.

It's weird but I never felt "called" to write the other two novels. I never even considered that it was my "calling" to be a writer. I always wrote (my childhood best friend used to give me notebooks and pens for my birthday every year until I turned 18); it's always been a natural extension of how I express myself and my ideas. I wrote the novels for fun and then they got published. True, I wrote them with the intention of having non-smutty young adult/new adult novels for young women but that was it. With this third novel, I have my target audience in mind when I write... and I also have the Holy Spirit on my mind. I keep reminding myself that I set out to write this novel to (hopefully) do good in an area that isn't addressed quite enough but desperately needs to be. Sometimes I even wonder if I went through what I experienced the first half of this year just so I could write this novel. since any writer will tell you that it's best to write what you know. Who knows, God works in mysterious ways and this may be one of His ways to get through to others. As I said to God at the beginning of this novel, I just want to His will and if writing this helps one person in some small way, I'll do it.

I do want to eventually write about my vocations since I feel like God has never made my path as clear as He has in the past two months but, for now, I'm going to use that as inspiration for the novel. I also feel that, until the novel is published (late August-early September), I shouldn't talk about either topic. I will say that the big V (life; religious life/marriage) vocation helped me figure out the small v (career) vocation. It might now happen the same way for the protagonist in the novel but it did inspire part of the plot so... gotta keep it zipped.

That's all I can say about the third novel... for now. As I said, I feel like God (through the intercessions of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Joseph, and the Holy Spirit) has taken pity on me and has shown me what He wishes me to do in the near future as well as what He would like for me to do long term (vocations). I can't recall every being this at peace about my vocations or what He wants me to do. Ever. Everything in my life has finally begun falling into place. Oh, how I want to talk about these things right now but I know that I should use that gratitude (towards God and my intercessors) and inspiration to write something worth sharing. Maybe I'll finish the novel sooner and I'll have it published before the August 25th deadline -- I certainly have the motivation to do so. lol. Patience, Emmy... patience. lol.

That's it for now. I will say that this blog post is setting up for something I want to post soon because it's another thing that also needs addressing. I may not write tomorrow since it's the 8th anniversary of my father's death and I don't know how I will feel (some years I'm weepy, others I'm in a depressive funk) but I'll definitely post again before the weekend. I want to get back to a healthy blogging/novel writing balance. :)

I hope you all have a lovely week and had a great weekend. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

I'm in Shock. Is This Real Life?

I wanted to blog yesterday because I received good news but I had to wait to get actual details (which I officially received last night) so I'm blogging now.

You guys know how I've been anemic and folate deficient "officially" for about a year now? (side note: anemia has been a reoccurring issue for at least 2-3 years). You know how I had low calcium and white blood count levels last autumn? You know how poor my health has been, with my platelets lower than normal for years? All of that warranted a round of roughly 70 (seriously) different tests that were taken from 10 (yes, ten) vials of blood last Friday that was ordered by the hematologist after my first hematology appointment earlier this month. During the previous blood draw -- in early March -- I was still anemic and in a bad way. It has been a little over 2 months and I hadn't taken my "blood builder" multivitamin daily. I didn't think the results were going to be much improved. I'm sure God said, "Oh ye of little faith" at this point.

I went to my follow-up appointment yesterday. I was hoping for a slightly above normal number for my iron and folate levels (and everything else). The doctor (new to me) who saw me told me my labs were pretty good. My platelets are still a little low (at 129k; 141k is the lowest number within normal range) but everything else looked good to her. I didn't get specifics beyond that. I asked her if I was anemic. She looked at me like "ooh, giiiiirl,. you don't even know..." and informed me, with a little laugh, that I was no longer anemic. I asked her about the folate level. Again, slightly amused, she said that I was no longer folate deficient and it was most likely due to the multivitamin I was taking (that Hallie had recommended to me years ago but I hadn't taken -- because it has gluten in it -- until late March). I didn't get numbers. I was just told that I was in a good place and that I have to follow-up in late July since they want to see if my levels will finally stabilize with the multivitamin I'm taking.

I came out of the appointment ecstatic! I had remarked to Mom that I haven't been looking as pale lately though I'm still pretty fair skinned when I don't tan/burn in the sun. She reminded me that I've always been fair skinned so looking a little pale (from the anemia) was never too noticeable. However, the rosy cheeks I've had lately have been a clear indication that my health has returned to where it should be.

It wasn't until last night that I saw what the actual numbers were from my iron and folate levels were. My iron level went from 36 to 124 in a couple of months. My folate level went from a dismal 3.60 (>7.00 is the normal range) to 12.90. I was in shock. "Wait, whaaaat?!" I don't think my iron level has been over 50 in about 4-5 years. My folate level has never been over 3.70 (from the time they started checking it, at least). Is this real life?

I looked at the rest of my results. My white blood count is still a little low and I was slightly dehydrated when they drew blood but everything else looked good. My calcium and sodium levels were normal for the first time since last autumn as well. I wanted to cry happy tears. It's been years since I've been this healthy.

I'm grateful to God for this blessing of health. Furthermore, I'm grateful for the intercessions of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, St. Joseph, and St. Catherine of Siena because my health has/had been intentions in novenas prayed for their intercessions. Mom's gotten into the habit of making sure she asks Bl. Pier Giorgio for his intercession for my health every morning. I'm grateful for their intercessions. I'm grateful that God has granted me this long-sought blessing of health. I'm grateful to everyone who prayed for me. I'm also grateful for one big gift God had granted me in all of this: the gift of patience. I'll touch on this topic tomorrow since it would make this post way too long to read in one sitting. I've already started writing the post so I'll just schedule it. ;)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this bit of good news with y'all. Thank you to those who've been praying for my health!! I greatly appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart! God willing, this is the start of the new normal for me.

That's it for now! I hope you are all having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Poof! They're Gone... and I Feel Free

For the last couple of days, I had been slowly going through a number of bookmarks I've accumulated over the last couple of months. While I'm in school, I tend to bookmark all the articles from news sites and blogs that are delivered to my (email) inbox so that I can read them over the weekend or whenever I have free time. Sometimes I bookmark too many things that I want to read. Sometimes I really enjoy an article and want to save it for future reference so I keep them saved in a separate folder. I also bookmark things that I know I will later need, for school or work. I had things since about 2008-2009 marked... and, last night, they all disappeared. Just like that, poof! They're gone.

I didn't panic, at first. It had happened before and after a reinstall, things were back to normal. Not this time. I reinstalled and uninstalled Google Chrome a couple of times. I signed in (which I don't normally like doing; I try not to have too many things connected to my Google account), hoping that it would sync. I looked up solutions and tried everything I could find. I tried to restore from an earlier date (which brought its own problems... which many people have had with Windows 10). I looked up my saved data online (I use online backup storage). Nada. It was all gone. Cue the panic.

"What am I going to do?!" I asked myself in frustration. "I had links saved for the novel... for work... for the blog..." From 9:30 p.m. until nearly 1 a.m. last night and again from 4:45 a.m. through 10 a.m. this morning, I tried to come up with a solution. The only difference between last night and this morning was that I saw the disappearance of the bookmarks as a blessing... and perhaps a sign from St. Joseph.

"Why did you mention St. Joseph?" you may be wondering. Simple, this happened on the last day of my 30-day novena to St. Joseph in which the main petition was for clarity on my vocations (career and otherwise) and health. I had a ton of bookmarks for all three areas of my life; bookmarks that I was hoping to get to this week as I'm researching some things. Suddenly, I had no references to my ideas. I also didn't have the stress of having to go through months/years of saved links. I feel liberated and physically light. No, I have to start from zero...  just like I'm doing with my career in general.

It may be that my malfunctioning laptop (which I bought at the start of the program and started going haywire during finals week right before I dropped it), the disappearance of bookmarks (making me start from zero), having to leave the degree unfinished, and the focus on my health (with my first hematology appointment) all within the same week is pure coincidence. Either way, coincidence or not, it made one thing clear: I really am starting from zero in many areas of my life.

As I discussed in the previous blog post, I have no concrete (long term) plans right now. I have an idea of what I'm going to do in the near future -- working on a memoir, on my own third novel, and nurse myself back to health -- but I'm basically starting over with everything else. I left one degree. I picked up my chosen career post graduation (from my first BA) as I've felt called to do. I'm starting to discern becoming a lay Dominican (or Oblate of St. Benedict). Hello, clean slate. No bookmarks on things I had hoped would help me. No financial stability that an in-demand career path would've given me. No going back to any of the previous ideas I had (via saved articles). 

As I tried to add bookmarks to my reinstalled browser, I realized just how many links I had saved up but, ultimately, didn't use. I realized that while it meant that I would have to start a lot of my research over, the fact that I have to do it over again seems more like a fun adventure. Furthermore, losing the bookmarks (after the initial period of panic) made me realize how much it didn't matter to me. During last year's St. Andrew Christmas novena, I asked for the gift of being detached from worldly things that would not benefit my soul and this loss made me realize that I'm seeing the fruits of that novena, months after I made the petition.

Cue the moment of realization that this is just the latest in a string of instances in which I no longer care about certain things I once valued as important. Social media? I don't use it as much. Thinking about what people think of what I blog about? Not high on my list of worries. Fearing about what people would think about yet another (MA being the other) degree I abandoned, though due to circumstances beyond my control? Doesn't register. 

I feel free. I feel free from the pressures of things I once considered important but have come to see that they truly weren't. I feel free to pursue God's will for me without worries (though I've been facing some problems in my personal life due to it). I feel free to focus on what's important and let everything else disappear into the background. It's been a blessing.

I'm not going to lie, I'm glad I'm done with the St. Joseph novena because everything that can go wrong, went wrong during those last 30 days. At the same time, it was also a blessing. Through every hiccup, I've felt getting closer to where God wants me. I had a really, really hard week last week (to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if I was under back-to-back spiritual attacks) but now I can sit here, look back, and see that it was worth it. It sure didn't feel that way last week but, in retrospect, it was.

That's where I'm at right now. Well, mostly. I have other things for another post. ;) 

Oh! And if you're wondering which are the websites I ended up bookmarking again (that I use almost every day):
- Hotmail

- Gmail

- This blog

- Los Angeles Public Library (for eMedia)

- Kindle Manager (for eBooks borrowed from the library)

- Goodreads

- Last.fm

- Spoken Bride (no comment)

As I said, this laptop (my only laptop/PC) has been malfunctioning for the past week so we'll see how often I can blog until I get a new one. I'm actually trying to use it until it kicks the virtual bucket because I'm trying to make my savings last for as long as possible while I look for a job (that pays). Yes, I'm constantly saving/backing up my files online so that I don't lose anything important. Mama didn't raise no fool. ;)

And that's it for now. I got very little sleep last night 3 hours or so and an hour and a half-long nap this afternoon didn't help much so I may just go take another nap or do something to help keep me from falling asleep until it's time for bed. Maybe I'll have a dance party. Wait, can you have a dance party to Bud Powell, George Gershwin, and Charlie Parker...? (side note: totally grooving to Bud Powell's version of "A Night in Tunisia" as I type this.)

I hope y'all are having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Not a "Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200" Situation

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm officially done with my SLP program. No, this doesn't mean I'm graduating. It's complicated but not a "do not pass go; do not collect $200" situation. I'll try my best to explain. Cue "Done" by The Band Perry playing in the background.

Long story short: the program requires that I earn a B- or greater in my courses before I can move on. I will be stuck with a C+ (after failing my final exam last night; I needed an 80% to pass the class) for one course (B in the other) and thus I'm done. I can repeat the course for the third time like some of my other classmates will be doing but I've chosen not to for two big reasons. (side note: there is a lot of griping and speculation amongst those in the program about the changes that have been and will be implemented this summer. Let's just say that there are apparently many courses being repeated 2-3 times before a student can move on and/or graduate and this wasn't an issue when I began the program three years ago.)

First, I don't want to add to my student debt. I'm about $40-45k in debt for one completed Bachelor's, another nearly completed Bachelor's, and one year of a Master's degree. I'm almost done paying off the loans from my first BA (yay!) but I still need to pay off the rest and it's going to be a little hard because I haven't been able to work. As you guys know, I've been sick for a while and I've spent a lot of time at home, in bed or just sitting as much as I can, and I haven't been able to physically do much which rules out a lot of potential jobs. I've been wanting to work for a long time now because I hate debt. My parents taught me not to use credit cards or get myself something that I can't pay off right away but my education was always sort of the exception. The longer I go without a job, the more money I'll owe (especially with the interest rates from the graduate loans; holy cow!). Mom and I are in a good place, financially, right now but we don't know how much longer she'll be able to work because she's physically slowing down and we literally cannot afford for me to keep going in school without a job. I can't do both; I've tried and it's affected my health so it's not an option.

Second, and most importantly, I haven't felt called to continue down this SLP path for several weeks/months. In fact, I broke down and cried all afternoon, evening, and about 11:30 p.m. on Friday because I hated that I felt stuck doing this (due to responsibilities). Yes, I actually cried (on and off) for about 8 hours. It was bad but it was also good because it made me realize that I was doing something that I don't feel God is calling me to do because I was trying to please others and trying to take matters into my own hands.

It was during that emotionally taxing time that I had this beautiful yet painful revelation that I was crying because I knew I wasn't doing what I feel God is calling me to do. I do trust Him to lead me down the path He wants me to take, but I was still letting others (including the most important person in my life) influence what I was doing and then making an excuse that God would still provide because I was sacrificing a lot for the good of another. That was the whole reason why I kept going down this path; because I wanted others to benefit from what I was doing even though I knew, deep down, that this wasn't what I was meant to be doing and even though I was utterly miserable doing it. If you know me, you know this isn't new for me... and that it's something I feel God has been wanting me to address for a long time.

Over the last couple of days, I've been gaining a little more of the clarity that I've been praying for. I've realized that I need to, first and foremost, take a little break (perhaps the first half of the month of May) to take care of myself and my health. It's something that I've been working on (and have been seeing good results in recent days) but I feel like I need a little bit of time to fully immerse myself in prayer, fasting (in ways others than food), and recollection while I physically take care of myself. This also means more Mass (daily, if I can), more time in silence, and less outside noise. Also, more sleep (you should see the bags under my eyes right now), a healthier diet (I've been slipping in this area lately), and giving my mind a break from all the memorization craziness from the past 8 months.

Following this little break of maybe a week or two, I plan on writing full-time until I can find a job that I can do at home or one that allows me to be seated for the majority of it... at least while I continue to get healthier and recover from the health issues I've had lately. I do have a ghostwriting assignment (a memoir) that's been in the works for months that I can now fully devote myself and my time to. It's not too mentally taxing but it's enough of a challenge that will keep my mind occupied, which I like. I was wondering why St. Francis de Sales kept popping up in my life lately (especially since Lent) and I think this might be why. We'll see. ;)

I don't feel disappointed in this new development. It's weird but I felt elated when I saw the 52% exam grade last night. I felt relief... joy... a lot of excitement... and peace. I think I actually said "oh, good. Now I can do Your will, God" out loud. lol. I now have the excuse (because, yes, in my weird little head I needed an excuse to get people off my back) to pursue whatever God is calling me to do. I'm so excited! I've been praying the 30-day (day 23 today) St. Joseph novena and I did another novena for St. Catherine of Siena's feast day for this particular intention and I guess I received my answer. I know people will be disappointed in me. I know some will think I'm lazy or that I'm a quitter. Frankly, my dears, I don't give a darn.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm just so excited that I can finally focus on finding out what God wants me to do, to actually do it, and not have that obstacle anymore. I don't have any more excuses not to and it's incredibly liberating and a little daunting because I have no idea what's in store. I used to have a major problem with (and get anxiety attacks from) not knowing what's ahead. I used to (and, okay, still do -- on a smaller scale) love to plan things out exactly how I wanted them to go. Thankfully, now I plan but I also recognize that plans don't always go the way you want them to and that's okay. I'm getting better at going with the flow which is something I used to do very well when I was younger but became a control issue when anxiety hit in my mid teens. God's plans are better than my own. Also, is it weird that this is somehow feels like it's connected to the 54-day Rosary novena I did last year?

I have no idea how I'm going to pay off my student loans. I've been keeping my eye out on jobs that I can do from home -- i.e. freelance writing, managing a brand's social media accounts, etc. -- for weeks now but nothing yet. I have no doubt that God will help provide at some point. I'm not going to stress out (even though at least one person in my life is freaking out over this). If God provides food and shelter for animals, surely He will help me find a way to pay for my loans and for the basic necessities of life. I'm not above doing menial jobs if that's what He wants to do. I would be perfectly happy cleaning a church or doing something that is seen as lowly if I knew it was what He wanted me to do. Sure, I will continue pursuing my longtime dream of being a writer but if another path becomes clear for me, I'll pursue that instead. You and me, God... let's do this!

Alright, I think that's long enough. lol. I don't know when I'll be able to blog again. I've been experiencing problems with my laptop this past week (I almost wasn't able to do my exam last night because of these problems) and I don't know when it'll finally bite the dust. I'm trying very hard not to read into the symbolism of this situation; I bought the laptop specifically to start the SLP program three years ago and now it started to break down completely as I'm finishing my last semester in this program. I've had problems with this laptop since day one. I even had to return the laptop 3 times because they were all faulty. I see what you did there, coincidences... ;)

I hope you all have a lovely Sunday!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Blog Changes

When I first started this blog, on Christmas Day 2007, I had no idea that I would continue to be blogging nearly a decade later. I started to write because (at the time) there were no Catholic blogs talking about the faith with issues such as anxiety, illness, and other topics that people seemed to not be comfortable talking about. I wanted to give a voice to those who were too afraid to talk about dealing with these issues on a personal level. A lot of my earliest readers found me by searching for "Catholicism and anxiety." Fast forward 9 years later, bloggers are more open than I am about their lives. Sure, I still share a lot (or it seems like I do ;D) but I'm not one of the only bloggers who are open about their daily struggles and how our faith is affected or enriched by them.

I've been thinking about it for a long time now and I've decided to open up on different topics that I normally shied away from... and be a little more open and honest in general. That's not to say I haven't been honest in my blog posts -- I have -- but I've also edited myself a lot out of fear of judgment or offending people. I've slowly been doing this in recent months (I'm sure some of you have noticed) but it's going to be a little more obvious in coming posts/weeks. I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I want to be able to talk about it without fear. If you don't end up liking the new direction, that's okay. I know I'm not a $100 bill; not everyone is going to like me or what I have to offer. :)

One of the big changes that I'm also making is that I'm no longer doing the annual "help me choose the patron saint for this blog" poll. After 8 years of doing this, I thought it was time for this change. This year, St. Joseph was the reader-chosen patron saint and it feels right that he be the last one chosen by a poll. After thinking about it for a while, I've chosen the Holy Family to be the permanent patron saints for this blog. I've developed wonderful devotions to the individual members of the Holy Family (as the Sacred Heart of Jesus, the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and St. Joseph) during this year so it seems fitting that they, as the Holy Family, continue to intercede for me so that I may write what might help others who stumble across this blog.

I'll be re-introducing novena posts (having daily novena prayers posted) throughout the year. I'm not sure which novenas I'll post/schedule during the year (starting next year) but I'll try to change them so that there's variety from year-to-year. I cleaned up the blog and website links and will be adding to them as I find the time. I think that's it... for now. Just a couple of layout and content changes. As I said, a new chapter in my life is beginning and I need to grow up and change with it. :)

Anyway, that's it for now. I really want to clean the apartment since it's been neglected while I studied for and took finals. Oops. I also have a lot of books to get through in less than a week that I borrowed from the library. A break from the online world for a couple of hours will do me good, especially considering I still have emails and other things to catch up on from the past couple of weeks. Those can wait a little longer. ;)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Lessons from St. Joseph

Originally posted on March 19, 2015 with some new thoughts added.

I took this picture of the sculpture of St. Joseph and the child Jesus at the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels here in L.A. :)

Happy Solemnity of St. Joseph, Spouse of the Blessed Virgin Mary. His feast day this year is of particular importance to me because it's the first one I can honestly say that -- despite years of being elusive to me -- I can thank him for coming through for me (through his intercession) in a big way.

As you've read in the title, I've had a hard time really understanding St. Joseph in the past. Every time I thought about learning as much as I could about him (which isn't too much since very little is known about him and his life), I'd get sidetracked and/or another saint would come to mind. This was the same pattern I had for years, until doubt came to mind and I began to understand St. Joseph a bit more.

I don't remember exactly what I was questioning at the time (odds are that it was either about my vocation or my career path) but I remember feeling unsettled by the indecision and doubt I had. "Who is the patron saint against doubt?" St. Joseph, of course. That set off my curiosity on St. Joseph once again... and my journey to understanding him a little better.

There's not much known about St. Joseph but what is known about him speaks volumes. He was the holy spouse of our Blessed Mother and the adoptive father of Jesus, a role that couldn't have been filled by just anyone. I'm sure there are a number of incredibly qualities (unknown to man) that St. Joseph possessed to have been chosen as the man worthy of protecting both Mama Mary and a young Jesus. That got me thinking about my own future spouse. I don't know who he will be but I pray for him. I ask St. Joseph to intercede, not only to help me find a good, holy husband who will bring me and our future children closer to God, but to help him become a man who is willing to do God's will and to love Him more than he loves anyone or anything else, myself included.

Everyone has had or will have doubts in their lives. Life is so uncertain that it's unavoidable. The biggest thing I've learned from St. Joseph is to let go. He was put in a situation in which indecision and doubt was present but he knew that he had to trust in God while protecting his family. How many men (or women) can say that; that they're put in situations that seem impossible yet they surrender that fear and indecision and trust in God's guidance? It's becoming more and more rare these days. You know how I've been trying to do just this (learning to let go of things) for months? I think I've finally gotten to where I need to be in terms of simply trusting God to guide me down the path he wants me to go on.

These past couple of weeks (starting a few weeks before Lent), I've felt like God has been leading me down an unexpected (and way overdue, due to my past fear and stubbornness) path but I completely trust Him. From applying to a new grad school and considering a new career path (with a Master's in Theology still in the cards, hence the application to another orthodox Catholic university) to moving forward with my vocation (after being stuck for quite some time), something exciting is happening but I'm not going to try to figure things out. I'm going to let God be my guide. No impatience, no fear, no doubts... just trust, hope, faith, and lots of prayer.

So, to sum it all up, I would like to thank St. Joseph for all he's taught me this year... and for the prayers (some of which I didn't mention) that he's helped me with. I only scratched the surface in this post but I'm trying to keep my blog posts relatively short so this is all you're getting this time around. ;)

-------------------

Even though this was originally posted last year, it all still holds true. I've been learning (it's still an ongoing process) to let go and let God take over. I still think about St. Joseph and his complete trust in Him. While I don't have doubts about my vocation (the part of the discernment that I can do by myself has been done; now to wait for the fella), what grad school to attend (so happy at JP Catholic), or career (I hope to be able to share something about this in the next couple of weeks), life is still unpredictable. I know I won't always know where things are headed. I can pray about them and hope for the best and trust that no matter what, God will always be by my side to help me navigate through it.

Anyway, I have a library eBook due in like 2 hours or so so I'm going to go finish reading that. :)

I hope y'all have a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Lessons From Elusive St. Joseph

I took this picture of the sculpture of St. Joseph and the child Jesus at the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels here in L.A. :)

Happy Solemnity of St. Joseph, Spouse of the Blessed Virgin Mary. His feast day this year is of particular importance to me because it's the first one I can honestly say that -- despite years of being elusive to me -- I can thank him for coming through for me (through his intercession) in a big way.

As you've read in the title, I've had a hard time really understanding St. Joseph in the past. Every time I thought about learning as much as I could about him (which isn't too much since very little is known about him and his life), I'd get sidetracked and/or another saint would come to mind. This was the same pattern I had for years, until doubt came to mind and I began to understand St. Joseph a bit more.

I don't remember exactly what I was questioning at the time (odds are that it was either about my vocation or my career path) but I remember feeling unsettled by the indecision and doubt I had. "Who is the patron saint against doubt?" St. Joseph, of course. That set off my curiosity on St. Joseph once again... and my journey to understanding him a little better.

There's not much known about St. Joseph but what is known about him speaks volumes. He was the holy spouse of our Blessed Mother and the adoptive father of Jesus, a role that couldn't have been filled by just anyone. I'm sure there are a number of incredibly qualities (unknown to man) that St. Joseph possessed to have been chosen as the man worthy of protecting both Mama Mary and a young Jesus. That got me thinking about my own future spouse. I don't know who he will be but I pray for him. I ask St. Joseph to intercede, not only to help me find a good, holy husband who will bring me and our future children closer to God, but to help him become a man who is willing to do God's will and to love Him more than he loves anyone or anything else, myself included.

Everyone has had or will have doubts in their lives. Life is so uncertain that it's unavoidable. The biggest thing I've learned from St. Joseph is to let go. He was put in a situation in which indecision and doubt was present but he knew that he had to trust in God while protecting his family. How many men (or women) can say that; that they're put in situations that seem impossible yet they surrender that fear and indecision and trust in God's guidance? It's becoming more and more rare these days. You know how I've been trying to do just this (learning to let go of things) for months? I think I've finally gotten to where I need to be in terms of simply trusting God to guide me down the path he wants me to go on.

These past couple of weeks (starting a few weeks before Lent), I've felt like God has been leading me down an unexpected (and way overdue, due to my past fear and stubbornness) path but I completely trust Him. From applying to a new grad school and considering a new career path (with a Master's in Theology still in the cards, hence the application to another orthodox Catholic university) to moving forward with my vocation (after being stuck for quite some time), something exciting is happening but I'm not going to try to figure things out. I'm going to let God be my guide. No impatience, no fear, no doubts... just trust, hope, faith, and lots of prayer.

So, to sum it all up, I would like to thank St. Joseph for all he's taught me this year... and for the prayers (some of which I didn't mention) that he's helped me with. I only scratched the surface in this post but I'm trying to keep my blog posts relatively short so this is all you're getting this time around. ;)

That's all for today. Mom's pulling a double shift at work so I'm going to go have a late lunch with her before her next shift begins. :)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

What I Learned Wednesday #28: Colds, St. Joseph, and Prayers.

I

My apologies for not blogging. I know I said I was going to blog every day during Lent but I didn't anticipate getting a really nasty cold which I am still trying to shake. I spent most of Friday and all of Saturday and Sunday in bed. I had a low-grade fever all day Saturday so my planned trip to the L.A. Religious Education Congress was nixed (as was the St. Patrick's Day trip to Disneyland, *sniffle*). I'm sorry to all who were planning on the meet up that day.

Also, a massive "thank you" to Dustin and Allicia of The Catholic Lovebirds who sent me a delicious lunch on Sunday. After not eating well for several days, it was a God send. It's good to be reminded that my friends have my back.

Lesson learned: as my mom likes to remind me, "el hombre pone y Dios dispone"... or Proverbs 16:1 if you can't read Spanish.

II

As most of you know (or should know, tsk ;D), it is the feast day of St. Joseph. This day has been huge for me. While I failed to complete the novenas to St. Patrick (on the last day! argh!) and St. Benedict, I managed to get the one for St. Joseph done last night. It was the only one I managed to get through even when I was uber fatigued and was falling asleep while praying... in between sniffles. I also had my first PTSD therapy session (yes, I was re-diagnosed with it after last month's incident) and I received my very first (blessed, no less!) Miraculous Medal in the mail today. Score one for the Em-ster. Yeah, no one call me that. Please. lol.

I've always found St. Joseph intriguing because there's not a whole lot about him in the Bible but the little that we do have speaks volumes about who he was. In fact, I've decided to learn more about St. Joseph during Lent. He was a wonderful adoptive father to Jesus and he's been an excellent one to me as well. I hope that he'll be intercede for me because my intentions (one for a friend and another for myself) are quite large and somewhat complicated. May God's will be done.

Lesson to be learned: Try to learn as much as I can about St. Joseph during Lent.

III

If you're wondering the current state of my prayer life: um, let's just say that I will be uber embarrassed at tomorrow's meeting with my spiritual director. It's not that I didn't try... I just think I didn't try hard enough. I talked about this last week. I was so determined to get my prayer life back on track last week and then... hello, Mr. Nasty Cold who is currently overstaying his visit. I missed morning prayer most of the days that I was sick because I slept through the morning. I would stay up coughing all night that I would get up shortly before noon when I would take a nap. One of the days I missed the entire day of prayer except for the St. Joseph novena -- that was the day of the fever. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself but I am because I could've done better the days when I wasn't sick.

Lesson learned: procrastination, especially with prayers, stinks. Don't make my mistakes, kids. I'm a terrible example these days. *dramatically* I have failed! lol. Seriously, though, I hope some of you are having more success during Lent than I am. :D

Anyway, that's it for now. I just had a marathon of coughing fits while writing this (and I'm functioning on less than 5 hours of sleep) so please excuse typos and grammatical errors that may have slipped by me. I am trying to get better at fixing those before I hit "publish."

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 15: I Shall Be Irish Edition

-- 1 -- 

I've been pretty much confined to my bed over the last couple of days for a number of reasons (one after another) so I've been distracting my anxiety over being sick with genealogy. My mother is adopted but I've been able to get up to my 3rd great-grandparents on her side, which is exciting. I'm currently in the 4th great-grandparents on my dad's side through my granddad. It's all terribly fascinating though sometimes it's really hard to decipher the priests' handwriting... or even read it because the ink is so faded. Still, a fun pastime for me.

-- 2 --

If you've read this blog long enough, you know that I'm a hardcore Hibernophile. A hibernophile is someone who is fond of Ireland, Irish culture, etc. If my trying to win a trip to Ireland by posting the link on Twitter (which is super rare for me; I hate doing that) didn't tip you off, then I don't know what to tell you. lol. Anyway, I have always loved Ireland and I've always had a feeling that we had an Irish branch somewhere in the family. There's too many light-eyed (grey to blue), redheaded people in the family not to have some connection. Just take a look at my middle brother who is uber ginger and proud. Anyway, last night I found that my 4th great-grandmother on granddad's side has a weird surname that has links to both Spain and Ireland... and Ireland as far back as 1139 AD. I am hoping this is what I'm looking for. I shall be Irish somehow... lol.

-- 3 -- 

Speaking of Ireland, I've been doing the St. Patrick novena with Allison and Jane of The Cath Sisters' Blog. It's been a good novena; the first I've done for St. Patrick. It's one of three I have going on at the same time, St. Patrick, St. Joseph, and St. Benedict all have their novenas being prayed. :D I can't remember the last time I did three at a time but I like it. It helps me with my prayer procrastination.

-- 4 --

I was planning on going to the Los Angeles Religious Education Congress tomorrow but between my cold and my car deciding not to start, it looks like it won't happen. Of course. Every year something comes up and I end up not being able to go. Something tells me I shouldn't go... for whatever reason. Maybe I won't be able to handle the reported liturgical abuses that occur at it. I say "reported" because I've never attended one and so I can't say if it's true for myself.

-- 5 --

It's too bad about the L.A. REC since I was looking forward to having a staring contest with the reps from my CINO college alma mater. (side note: for those who don't know, CINO stands for Catholic in Name Only.) They have a booth there every year and, more likely than not, my former academic adviser (who called Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI a 'super rat with red shoes') was going to be there. They've been sending stuff to my house and email about going back for my Master's. Ha! Never going to happen. I had enough nights of panic attacks and almost nervous breakdowns to last a lifetime. That and I'm almost positive they'll kick me out for being "too traditional", something I barely got away with last time.

-- 6 -- 

Is it just me or is Lent going by really fast this year? It feels like it. Sure, I keep struggling to write and to keep all my other Lenten penances but I am trying. Still, I am learning to be easier on myself, which, funny enough, is something priests have often left me as penance after confession. It seems I'm too hard on myself and I don't give myself enough slack so... I'm trying. I think it's just the perfectionist in me.

-- 7 --

Words of wisdom from tumblr. How many of us can say we've forgiven every person who has done us wrong? Think about it.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

And that's it for now. I'm going to to ask a mechanic neighbor of mine to take a look at my car. The AAA tow guy (who, by the way, was kind enough to remind us that we don't eat meat today when we saw that we got stranded on our way from Jack in the Box; we had fries and fish filet) thinks it may be something connected with the gas tank or it isn't getting enough 'spark' or something. Either way, L.A. is a very car-oriented city and my little Honda is necessary so... gotta have it looked at.

I hope you all have a great start of the weekend. If you have any prayer requests, send them my way.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Catholic Nerd Say What?, Fun in Philosophy

I am surprised I'm functioning on 4 hours of sleep. I'm not even tired enough for a nap! This lack of sleep has done two things to me: make me VERY giddy (I haven't stopped smiling all day AND you can't bring me down no matter how hard you try) and also very brave.

The reason for the lack of sleep was because I was doing studying for the Philosophy exam I had an exam today. Since I missed it last Wednesday (due to my still being ill), I had to make it up today. I studied... I crammed... I'm pretty sure I didn't ace the test. I drew a lot of blanks. Thankfully, the exam was mainly multiple choice (which made me remember the answers more quickly) and it was based on things from the Old Testament that I knew (this exam was on the Judaism portion of the course). Still, I'm not too confident about it. If I passed, it'll be a miracle and St. Joseph of Cupertino is getting all the credit for that because I couldn't concentrate too well on the exam. After the test, though, things went very well -- for me.

I feel a little bad about being smug about what I'm about to share but... well, you'll see what I don't feel completely bad about it. After I finished my exam (in about half an hour), I went back into the classroom to hear the rest of today's lecture. Since it's the beginning of the Christianity portion of the course (whoo-hoo!) I didn't want to miss it. I knew he'd naturally go into Catholicism (which the professor called the "universal" religion) first so I was pumped. This is something I wouldn't need to study (much) for. That excitement turned into "what is he talking about?" and thus my fun in Philosophy began.

I turned the next hour of class into my own personal game... which I really shouldn't have done but it made the class fun. lol. I payed very close attention to what he was lecturing... and I caught a couple of discrepancies that I was more than happy to correct. Who was the only one in the class who knew St. Elizabeth's (mother of St. John the Baptist) husband, Zacharias (St. Zachary)? It wasn't the professor; it was little ol' me. lol. This isn't the first time I've had to fill in the blanks. Making sure they didn't get St. Joseph and St. Jude Thaddeus mixed up? I spoke up on that. Going into talks about St. Thomas Aquinas' "Summa Theologica"? I was all over that. Making sure people understood that Jesus Christ resurrected on the 3rd day, not from one day to another? I said my two cents on that. Talking about Christianity like it was the most ridiculous thing? You'll get a raised eyebrow from me. Debating the Virgin Mary's virginity? Oh heck no! No one messes with my mama! I'm pretty sure the professor is already pretty sick of me but, oh, it's only going to get started. I'm sorry but I have to speak up... especially after he said that he sympathized with Pontius Pilate. "Seriously? Did you just really say that? Oh... it's SO on!" Catholic nerd say what? Did she just challenge her professor. Yes... yes, I did. lol. Any attacks on Catholicism can and will be counterattacked by me... and I shall do it with a smile. Is it bad that I get so much joy from proving professors (who talk smack about the Catholic Church) wrong? I feel a little bad about being smug... but I enjoyed it too much to feel horrible. Maybe I should continue attending a public college/university so I can keep arguing with Philosophy and Religious Studies professors who have things all wrong... I'm a stinker, aren't I? lol. :D Does anyone else do this or am I just a weirdo who loves debating with professors? lol.

One professor I won't be debating -- my math professor. My course started today... and I should go do that before I crash. Fingers crossed that last night's all-nighter will be my only one this semester. Let's hope so because I'm way too giddy and silly for my own good when I have less than 5 hours of sleep. My obsession with Laurel and Hardly movies at the moment pretty much tells you how silly I am. lol.

And speaking of Laurel and Hardy, I hope you enjoy these videos of musical moments by them. :D




Alright, that's it for now. I'm off to tackle math *groans*. lol. I wish I was done with my lower division requirement so I could take all my Philosophy and Religious Studies courses and have more fun. lol. And, yes, this is me stalling. lol. Alright, alright, I'm going. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Saying Goodbye To Dad.

This picture is of dad and I when I was about 4 years old. He was always there when I truly needed him the most.

I know, I haven't posted anything in 2 weeks. If you are following me on twitter, you know why it's taken me this long to post anything new... my father passed away almost two weeks ago, on July 11th. In an ironic twist, dad went downhill (and FAST!) the evening I wrote my last blog post. The words I wrote, "At this point, I just want him to stop suffering" are going to haunt me for a while. It all happened so fast, I don't think I really got a chance to process everything.

That evening, Thursday, July 9, we got a call from the convalescent hospital that his blood pressure had drop to 50 while he was doing his dialysis. It had gone up to 70-something by the end of the night, but it was still very worrisome. I fought with the nurses (with the help of my brother) to have him transported to the E.R. and do whatever they could for him. They were refusing to take him anywhere but we signed a paper saying that they HAD TO take him to the E.R. if he got critically sick so in the end they took him. They also had to find elsewhere to send him because his own doctor refused to see him and said that they should just let him die there. (I had a few choice words to say to the doctor, which I did not say but I thought... and have to go to confessions for.) Later that night, we were told his blood pressure had gone up to the 80s-90s, which made us worry less. We thought he'd be okay.

The next day, Friday, July 10th, I got a call around 10 a.m. that we had to go to the hospital immediately, that my father would not make it through the night. He was in the ICU. We had to go sign paperwork and get everything done quickly. Dad was still conscious and he was able to get a couple of things signed to make sure all loose ends were tied. We didn't tell him that he was dying; we just told him that it would be better to have things in order in case we needed to fix 'em while he was at the hospital. At that point, I still thought he was going to pull through. He was looking good and he was still up for joking around with me... though I did have to leave twice so he wouldn't see me cry. We were told to go home at 8 p.m. and I told them to contact us if anything happened.

The next morning, Saturday, July 11th, we were happy that they hadn't called us. We thought, "hey, maybe they are wrong again... like they were last month." At 8:34 a.m. I got on my cell phone... we had to go in THAT MINUTE because dad was in his final moments. Luckily we only live 10 minutes from the hospital AND my cousin had stayed overnight with us so we were able to get there right away. We got there and we could see that dad was in his final moments. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through in the 24 years I've been alive. He couldn't breathe (his breaths were VERY labored and forced). He could understand what we were saying but he couldn't speak... or even move. Mom lost it and dad began to get agitated by the sounds of her crying. I had to ask my mom to let me stay at his side because I am able to hold in my tears a bit more. I would go to the side he was facing (his eyes half opened) and I would say "Just relax daddy, it's okay. I am not going anywhere. They're going to have to drag me away, kicking and screaming, if they want me to move." That seemed to calm him down and he began to concentrate on his breathing. Mom would again come to his side and again would start to sob, upsetting dad. I would ask her to go to his other side until she calmed down a bit and she eventually did. I stayed in dad's room the entire hour and a half we were there. My niece, Adriana, was the only other person in the room when dad was giving his final breaths. As soon as I began to see that the charts were reading "zero" I had her rush to get my mom. who'd stepped out.

I was at dad's side when he passed away. At that point, I couldn't hold in the tears anymore and I sobbed as I said my final goodbyes. I asked him to forgive me if I ever did anything that upset him, and told him that I knew he would forgive me if he could say it. I told him not to worry about mom and I, that we were going to be there for each other. I promised I would finish school (at least a B.A.) and do all he wanted me to achieve. I promised to become a woman he would be proud of. I read him Psalm 23, his favorite. I asked St. Joseph to please help dad go as peacefully as he could. I asked St. Michael Archangel (dad's patron saint) to protect him in his final moments. Mom came in literally 5 seconds before dad passed away. He gave his final breath and then went to sleep. My prayers had been answered; he went, as peacefully as possible, at 10:15 a.m... on St. Benedict of Nursia's feast day (he's a patron saint of those who are dying). Both of my Rosaries also broke at that time... which means I have no Rosary at the moment; I have to use the virtual one on my iPod touch.

I won't lie and say that I didn't fall apart at that moment; I did. I nearly fainted. I had to be rushed to the seat and given water. The entire right side of my body went numb. I was dizzy and lightheaded and barely managed to ask for rubbing alcohol or smelling salts in case I did faint. I sobbed when I was able to control my panic/anxiety attack. We stayed at the hospital until 5 p.m. when they transferred him to the morgue. My brothers and sister, along with cousins and my uncle (the eldest of the family), arrived shortly before dad was taken. Hearing my brothers break down and cry was the third hardest thing I've ever experienced (first being dad's death, second being my mom falling apart in front of my eyes). I was the last person in the family to see dad before yesterday's funeral. (Side note: before I go on, let me mention that as soon as we got home from the hospital and I sat down, I smelled one of Beckham's colognes -- the last gift I ever gave dad -- coming down on me. I knew that it was my dad's way of letting me know he was still with me since I associated that scent with dad... and because Beckham was one of dad's favorite soccer players. Mom couldn't smell the cologne... and I later couldn't smell the roses she said she smelled after reading the Bible.)

The next week was heck on earth for me. I ended up getting VERY sick (pharyngitis) and was stuck in bed for most of the week. My temperature went up to 104 on Wednesday (the 15th) and it was a miracle I didn't feel as horrible as I was. The fever was around 101-103 for the next couple of days. It was another miracle that I didn't get a panic attack, because I usually do when I get that sick. I wasn't the only one. Mom ended up getting bronchitis and nearly got pneumonia. She, along with my niece Adriana, and I were the first to get sick... and the only family members in the room when dad died. From there, one of my brothers (the one who sobbed the most) ended up getting very sick. Those who took dad's death the hardest were the ones who got very sick and were in bed for nearly a week. We're all okay now, except for the grandson of one of my cousins, who's still at the L.A. Children's Hospital with pneumonia. (btw, please pray for him. He's 6 years old but he was born blind and mute, and a bunch of other complications.) All the rest of us have are stubborn coughs that won't go away.

Yesterday was dad's funeral - the final goodbye. I was worried that I wouldn't have anyone there for me since it was during the week and everyone had plans. Luckily one of my best friends was able to change her work schedule and she came with her family. Seeing dad's coffin getting loaded out of the hearse made me cry. To think that it was the last time I would see him, physically, was painful. We had a Rosary said for him before his Mass. During the Mass, my brothers, sister, and I helped. My nephew and I (the youngest family members there) stood at either side of the casket as we Mass ended. Then we took him to his final resting place -- the San Fernando Mission Cemetery, right behind the San Fernando Mission. Thank God, and Fr. Leo, that we were able to bury him there and that the L.A. Archdiocese was able to help us with the costs. I thought it was fitting for someone who'd expressed how much he loved his faith up to his final days.

I thank God for helping me get the strength I needed to get through it all. I am grateful that my friend Eileen was there with me, with her arm around me, as dad was lowered and was buried. That was hard for me to watch and I'm just glad I didn't faint. I am also grateful to everyone who was there for us, physically and through prayer. I'm truly amazed at how much more strength I found within myself. I just hope it resurfaces when I need it.

Although I know that it isn't a final goodbye to dad, it still makes me very emotional. Y'all would be surprised with how sensitive I actually am. I feel things quite deeply. My comfort is knowing that dad is no longer suffering - which he did the last 7 years of his life due to the cancer. I know that there will be moments when I will miss him the most. I know that I'm going to be an emotional wreck if/when I get married because I won't have him to walk me down the aisle... my future husband (whoever he is) won't have the chance to ask him for his permission to marry me and my future children won't get to experience what a warm, loving, generous man their grandfather was. But I know that dad will be there with me, in spirit, through every milestone I will reach for the rest of my life. I also know that one dad we'll be reunited in heaven... especially if it's anything like that dream I had over a year ago. And, if anything, this will only bring me closer to my faith (if that's even possible.)

I get asked often if I curse God for taking my father away from me. The answer is a big NO! In fact, I still attended Mass the day after dad died and the only Mass I missed was last Sunday's when I was still quite sick. As I said in the previous entry, I am grateful for everything God has given me... including a father that, for 24 years, loved me more than words can describe. I am grateful that I was given a father that was there for me through everything. Yes, we had our disagreements and we did not have an easy relationship, but I wouldn't have traded any of those experiences for anything or anyone in the world. And, my father gave me the greatest gift I've ever received... coming back to the Church after 40+ years of being away only a day before my 24th birthday. Thank you, Lord, for giving me a man whom I loved and respected to the very end... a man who taught me so much, including to always put others before myself and to be as generous as I can be. As I promised dad, I also promise God, I will grow up (I still feel like I'm growing up) to be a woman that both my heavenly Father and my earthly father would be proud of. And with that, I am ending my blog.

I hope that I was able to express myself as well as I could. I had a ton of gushing to do on dad, but I will leave that for something else I'm working on. :) I hope to continue blogging regularly for the rest of the summer, especially now that I've got a lot of time on my hands. I do plan on going abroad soon... and I'm taking mom with me for her first trip to Europe. I'll keep y'all updated on that. :)

Thank you all for your prayers... for dad, for the family, etc. Y'all are amazing people. :) As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!