Why the Last Month Has Been a Living Hell For Me (and It's Not COVID-19 Related)

This past month has been an absolute nightmare for me. Coronavirus lockdown aside, it took us over a month to figure out why I've had such an intense health relapse in the past month... but, really, the last couple of months altogether. The reason: a really, really bad allergic reaction to the back-to-back amoxicillin rounds I had taken for my molar infections.

When I used to think "allergic reaction," I thought of wheezing, throat-closing, facial features swelling, eyes watering, etc. You know -- the severe reaction. I never thought it could have a delay and that the physical manifestations would be as bad or surprisingly odd as I've had them.

I've experienced:
- Insomnia for weeks. That has now been followed by my recent inability to stay awake during the day as a result of weeks worth of being unable to sleep more than 3-4 hours per day.
- A skin rash that I thought was due to the stress I was under. Nope.
- Really, really bad jitteriness and anxiety. My anxiety actually wasn't as bad the first time I took amoxicillin as it has been this time around... and we were chalking it up to anxiety over the coronavirus. It may still be a combo of the two.
- My mental health going into deep depression mode. Again, we were blaming it on my failing health and the coronavirus situation, which may still have a part in it.
- My mental fog and the inability to concentrate, which has made me an unreliable writer for my poor bosses. Mercifully, they've been understanding.
- My platelets tanking under 100k (76k the first time, 96k this time).
- Possibly the daily, strong heart palpitations I've been experiencing. The first time I experienced crazy strong (but not too fast) palpitations was during one of the last doses I took. We thought it was anxiety. Nope. My doctor said, in hindsight, it was most likely a reaction to the dose since it started half an hour after I took it.
- Other things that I haven't mentioned.

Everything that has happened (and the new stuff) seems to be following the same pattern from last autumn (the first time I took amoxicillin). Some symptoms (e.g. jitteriness, extremely daytime sleepiness following insomnia, how "angry" the skin rashes look) have been worse this time. Others (platelets falling to 96k instead of 76k, the number of bumps from the rash overall) have been better.

 A few days ago marked the 30-day mark of when I took my last dose and you can tell I'm just now starting to detox from the effects. The rash started to fade on the day after I finished the Bl. Solanus Casey novena (which many of you prayed with me; thank you!). I'm starting to sleep more (a lot more; accompanied by jitteriness when I wake up). My mental fog is starting to lift and my mental health is improving. Yay for no longer being a depressed little robot!

I didn't start feeling like myself until Easter Sunday, which was coincidentally the month-mark of when I took my last dose. Theoretically, it should take 4-6 more weeks for this to clear up so here's hoping it'll continue and that the detox process gets easier in the next couple of weeks than it's been lately.

I would be lying if I said I haven't been scared this past month. I've been terrified. It's now day 34 since I last took a dose and we just figured out that all of this has been because of the amoxicillin. Again, this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't started the novena -- my doctor (who still hasn't seen me, btw; she's only gone on what I and the urgent care physician's assistant have told her) thought my rash was another skin issue. Even the PA didn't think it was an amoxicillin rash either. It wasn't until the novena was about halfway through that my doctor called to tell me that it did seem like it was an allergic reaction to the amoxicillin after all. That's also around the time that the previous pattern began showing up and it became an "OH I wonder if this is..." moment. After the novena ended, the rest of the puzzle pieces began to slot together and completed the picture. It's been worse this time around because I had to take a week's worth of antibiotics to take in late January-early February and a second-round in early March-mid March. It didn't give my body enough time to detox in between doses.

The last 2-3 days have been easier with the heart palpitations but worse with the jitteriness following naps during the day. Those closest to me have gotten panicked texts from me because of how absolutely terrible I crash and how panicked and odd I wake up feeling. Again, I had a similar reaction the first time around but it's been amplified about 10 times this time around, most likely because of the back-to-back doses.

I'm supposed to be taking Zyrtec for the allergic reaction but I've been sleeping most of my day away and I haven't been able to mentally prepare myself to take it in the few hours I am awake. To be honest, I'm afraid of an allergic reaction to the Zyrtec because of the medical PTSD of previous reactions to Benadryl and now the recent amoxicillin allergy.

And before you say, "But you're supposed to trust God." Yes, I do trust God but my mind (and the PTSD) right now is, unfortunately, is affecting my ability to think rationally. That doesn't mean I don't trust God. Remember, the amoxicillin greatly affected my mental health -- it literally messed with my brain chemistry. So, I'm just now starting to think rationally; to think more clearly. Remember the news of the young priest who committed suicide a few weeks ago as a result of a medication he was taking for GI problems; how it messed up his brain chemistry? Think along those lines for me, except I thankfully never contemplated ending my life. I was morbid in thinking I was going to die soon, I'll admit that, but not because I had any intentions of harming myself. Quite the opposite, I became hypervigilant of what was exacerbating symptoms so that I would feel better and get myself on a fast track to being on the mend so I could give myself more time to get to the confessional (whenever confessions are allowed again).

The fact that I went to the dentist this morning and that didn't have a panic attack nor was I paranoid about it pretty much confirmed that the effects are wearing off. (Side note: the appointment was considered a potential emergency situation; I was given more antibiotics as a precaution that I'm not taking unless I need to; it was given to buy more time while the lockdown is lifted and molar extractions are okayed by my insurance and the government since it's not an immediate emergency situation). Also, the fact that I'm not feeling depressed and morbid -- I actually feel like myself for the first time in weeks! -- is a good sign. I'm finally able to pray and say "Jesus, I trust in You" without any apprehension. I hadn't had more than a few hours of that trust and confidence in God for weeks when the next wave would hit. Yeah, those pills messed me up that bad.

I've spent the last 4-5 weeks unable to watch most Masses or pray because of how intense my mental fog or fatigue has been. I've been able to concentrate on my prayers for the first time in over a month in the last 2-3 days. My spiritual life took a massive beating. I hadn't been able to really do much for my vocation discernment, either, which I thought was bizarre but now makes sense. I wasn't sure if it was a spiritual attack or something else but it looks like we now have our answer. It could very well be a mix of the two -- a spiritual attack and a chemical imbalance, who knows!

So, that's where I've been lately... and why I haven't been blogging. That's why I kept asking for prayers on social media. I'm incredibly grateful to a lovely blog reader who suggested I ask Bl. Solanus Casey for this intercession because, thanks to that novena, we got answers to why my body had begun breaking down on me. Like I said, it wasn't until the novena was ending that the pattern began to emerge and things became clearer.

I pray that I can either start taking the Zyrtec tomorrow (I don't have to get up early for the first time in weeks) and/or that the rest of the effects begin to subside without my the jitteriness and other effects getting worse. Sure, most of the other physical symptoms are getting better but the anxiety is probably now peaking and the sleeping thing is just horrible to endure every time I wake up from a nap. 

Let it put it this way: Imagine that you've been sleep deprived for 24 straight hours after running a marathon all day. You're so tired but you can't sleep for some reason. Then, just as you finally settle to sleep, someone wakes you up in the most intense and frightening away, making your heart race and your body shake from the nerves. Amplify it a couple more times and you can maybe begin to imagine what I feel some naps. Sometimes my heart is racing, Yesterday it was beating at a weird rhythm for a bit and I was terrified until two first said they had similar experiences and that it probably meant I woke up at a weird REM stage. And, yes, the naps are absolutely necessary. I'm not fighting them. I'll fall asleep while eating sitting up anyway; I'm that physically exhausted at this point.

Please continue to pray for me. I'm going to call my doctor again tomorrow (I know she must be tired of getting 2-3 calls from me per week but I've had to update her on my evolving conditions) and see if we can't come up with a better game plan to make the rest of the detox process smoother. Also, please pray that there aren't any more surprises during the detox process. Yesterday's weird palpitations and yesterday and today's intense jitteriness post-naps have been new and very unnerving. Again, if I have to take the Zyrtec to minimize the effects I will but I'll be praying that I'm able to tolerate it better than other meds and that I don't get additional reactions or side effects from it.

I hope to get back into the swing of things around this blog now that I'm starting to slowly mend. I have a couple of posts planned in the upcoming week that, God willing, will actually be posted on time. Fingers crossed the fatigue lessens.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

How the 54-day Rosary Novena Kept Me From Getting Married

Yes, controversial title but... you'll see what I mean by the time you get to the end of this post.

Last Tuesday, we left our apartment just as dawn was breaking. It was a beautiful but chilly (for L.A. standards) start of the day. I had two books in my hand — Three to Get Married by Ven. Fulton Sheen and And You Are Christ’s by Fr. Thomas Dubay SM. One for a writing assignment, the other for my personal discernment.

Since I still don’t have a car, we had a taxi waiting for us at the front gate of our building. We climbed in and made our way to pick up another client (we are part of a next-day ride-share program). I put on my broken headphones, one side (the broken one) dangling from my ear. Nope, I can't afford to replace those yet. As long as one side still works, I don't care how silly it looks.

I had turned on my iPod touch almost from the minute I got into the taxi so the music was playing (like always on a long commute/trip), providing me background noise to drown out the familiar buzz of early morning traffic.

At some point, the music stopped being background noise. He popped into my mind just as “She Said” by Brie Larson (yes, Brie "Captain Marvel" Larson) started playing. I thought it was odd that my mind chose to focus on this particular song since it reminds me of my pre-reversion life, particularly of my time as a freshman at Santa Monica College. This is at least 3-4 years before I met him.

I don't think I need to tell y'all who he is. Since this is a post on my vocation discernment journey and I've been open about the fact that I was in wedding plan mode with someone late last year.

Anyway, I wasn't anticipating his suddenly popping up in my mind just as the following lyrics were being warbled:

“You can’t get inside my head,
Can’t be my safety net...

... I might hit the ground,
But, at least, I’ll have a story to tell,
She said, ‘I gotta find out for myself.’”

I listened to the song a couple more times to really remember the lyrics (it’s been years). I looked down at my two books on my lap and it struck me how appropriate the song was for me at the moment.

He was my safety net. With 11+ years of friendship under our belts before we even brought up the possibility of a relationship, let alone marriage, we had a history. He was one of my best friends. He was always there for me when I felt like I was floundering; like I needed someone to pull me out of a raging sea I couldn’t swim or even float in. Still, I kept him an arms-length away at all times.

In the months since I got the courage to pull the plug, I often wondered why that was. I thought it was because that’s how I was; overly-cautious and perhaps not as loving as I always thought I was. Listening to the song -- and the week of pondering that followed -- made me realize why that was: I somehow I always knew that I wasn't meant to get married, no matter how much I wanted it and how hard it would be to let go of that "safety net." It, unfortunately, took me a long time to realize it and accept it. The clues were there all along but I ignored them. Being a disappointment to my mother -- who desires grandbabies -- also played a factor in it but that's a different story.

During those 5 months when the fella and I (quickly) went from friends to discerning marriage, I saw parts of myself I didn’t like. I felt less and less like myself as things progressed. In fact, I ended up hating myself. I was changing, and not for the better. I didn’t like who I was becoming. I felt pulled away from God and I hated it. As awful as it sounds, I couldn't bear the thought of my heart not belonging solely to Him; of it being shared with someone else. I hated how far away I felt from God and how, the further it went on, the easier it became for me to accept temptations to sin without caring what happened. Massive red flag right there.

It was during this time that I began doing the 54-day Rosary novena. One of the initial intentions was for the fella and I to do God's will. I didn't make it past day 9 (the last day of the first of the 6 back-to-back novenas within the larger novena) when I knew, in my heart, that God was showing me a different path. As the novena continued, I stubbornly tried to dismiss what God was placing in my heart. I wanted to get married, and especially to him. He was (on paper) my perfect match. I wanted a family. God couldn't have possibly placed the desire to be married and discern marriage with the fella unless it was His will... right?

To my surprise, my prayers began to change on day 10 of the novena. No longer was I praying for our marriage; I was praying for us to do God's will, even if that meant not sharing our lives together. The more obvious it became that God didn't seem to be calling us to marriage, the more specific my intentions became. At some point, I began asking Mama Mary to lead me to my future spouse, whoever he may be... "even if my future Spouse is actually your Son."

The first time I said it out loud, I didn't even think about it; it completely slipped out! I was caught off-guard as I had no intention of saying those words. The longer I prayed the novena, the more I prayed for us both to do God's will... and the easier it became for me to add the intention of knowing whether my future spouse was actually Christ.

Before the novena ended, I knew what I had to do. I was dreading doing it because I didn't want to hurt him. For weeks I tried to gather all the courage I could muster to tell him. I was afraid of how he would react. I didn’t want to lose his friendship but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to him for me to drag it out. I knew I couldn’t marry him. God had made that abundantly clear after the first 9 days of the novena. No, Christ wanted me for Himself... and I was willing to give Him all of my heart and all that I have.

I wondered if the fella knew what was going on. Ask anyone who knows me; I can’t fake anything to save my life. You always know where you stand with me and you know when something is weighing heavily on my mind. It wasn't until last week -- after months of silence -- that I got the confirmation that he knew something was up even before I said anything. That's all I'm going to say regarding that.

Since last Tuesday, I've been reflecting on my life and my past relationships. As I shared on my Instagram post yesterday, it seems like God had placed the desire to belong solely to Him during childhood. When I was only 6-8 years old (as I entered the age of reason), I used to tell people that I was going to become a nun. It was the dream. Yes, I fell in love with Jesus at that early age. Attending Mass was the highlight of my week. I can even remember 8-year-old me taking a little white, plastic cross to school that said "I love Jesus" and proudly showing it off to my friends... at a secular elementary school. They would look at me like I was crazy but I felt it. I loved Jesus.

Eventually, I left strayed from the Church. After I made my First Communion and was Confirmed, my "cafeteria Catholic" parents (and my poorly catechized self) didn't see the point in attending Mass since I "no longer had the obligation" to. From ages 13 to 21, I was away from the Church... and I was boy-crazy. I always had a boyfriend or a crush.

A lot happened during that time -- during my "crazy" teen years -- but I still identified myself as Catholic. And despite my flirtation with the entertainment business during those years, I somehow managed to avoid becoming a #MeToo casualty. I was also able to avoid temptations despite "invitations" in my late teens and early 20s, something I credit to both the Holy Spirit and my Guardian Angel -- especially the latter since God knows what dangers I faced during those years.

I'm willing to bet that none of you remember this, but, a little over a year ago, I heard the words "Let Jesus court you" after praying the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary... the same one he gave me years ago. You can go ahead and read the post for yourself; I can't make that up -- it's been there for over a year! As I stated then, I had begun making peace with the fact that God was probably calling me to stay single. I didn't understand why I heard "Let Jesus court you" then -- and especially while I was discerning marriage with the fella -- but I do now.

During the previous 54-day Rosary novena (2018), I had prayed to get to know my future husband. I thought my answers had been answered with one of my best friends. In hindsight, I'm thinking that perhaps God wanted me to discern marriage so I wouldn't always wonder "what if..." I'm very much the type of person to do that; always wonder what might've been if only I had *fill in the blank.*

After having discerned marriage with someone who is probably the closest I will get to my ideal (earthly) match, I no longer wonder "what if..." I had found someone who wanted to marry me (and vice versa); my "perfect match." Yet, he couldn't fill that God-shaped hole in my heart. Looking back, I can now see that neither he nor the one who taught me about true, unselfish love nor anyone else worked out because God was saving my heart for Himself.

It took two consecutive 54-day Rosary novenas (and countless others over the years), but I truly believe my prayers have been answered. It kept me from getting married in the traditional sense, but it gave me something greater: the sense that I have finally found my true future Spouse. I can now say that easily and without reservations.

The idea of being a bride of Christ and giving my whole heart and life to Him fills my eyes with joyful tears; my heart with overflowing love. Even if Archbishop Gomez doesn't believe I'm meant to become a consecrated virgin (as in, making it a public declaration), I know that making private vows will be something I want to do with my whole heart.

By the way, the last song I listened to on the trip that led to this past week's reflections? “Noticed” by Mute Math, from the same album that was the soundtrack to my reversion in 2006!

The lyrics?

“And all this time oblivious to what you make so obvious,
I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before...”

“And all this time it was staring me blind,
I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before...”

“The only time I ever noticed my heart was when I noticed you...”

Yes, the only time I ever noticed my heart was when I noticed You, Lord.

Anyway, just sharing these thoughts I wanted to share. Everyone's vocation discernment story is different. I'm glad I have a place to share mine as it unfolds.

Okay, that's enough "soul-baring" for now. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

It's official... I'm in love!

It's official... I'm in love! No, this is no clickbait title. I truly am in love.

I'm in "thinking only about them and not about myself" love.

I'm in "I would sacrifice my creature comforts; sacrifice that which gives me little moments of joy and pleasure for them" love.

I'm in "I finally understand what it means to truly be in love" love.

What brought this realization? Ven. Fulton Sheen's Three to Get Married.

I've been trying to finish this book for months now. Sadly, I'm still nowhere near done because I underline and leave a lot of comments in the margin. A lot -- it's that good! I often pause and think about what I've read and how it pertains to me before continuing. It's actually become part of my Lectio Divina routine since it is considered spiritual reading.

But, even before it became part of my (now) daily reading requirement, it was a source of a lot of food for thought. Even before I realized that I might've been called to something other than marriage and family (at least, in the traditional sense), it had begun changing my mindset on what love truly was and what it meant to me. To this day, the deeper I go into it, the more things make sense to me -- and the more I realize how truly in love I am!

After discussing wedding plans and what my future life with a certain someone would look like (when I was discerning marriage with said person), I decided to dust off the book and read it. It had been sitting on my bookshelf for years, gathering dust since I was determined not to get ahead of myself. No, I wanted to read it until I had begun discerning marriage with someone. I kept telling myself that I had no use for it "right now" because I had been single for so long. Now I regret not having read it sooner.

Yesterday, it got me to reflect on my past "loves" -- the (very, very few) young men I thought I had been in love with at some point in my life. Upon further reflection, I came to realize that I had been misusing the word for most of those crushes and/or relationships. It wasn't the kind of love God had intended. It was what Pope St. John Paul II would call utilitarian love; a love in which I thought about how it could be useful to me and what it could do for me. I know that sounds horrible but that's what my immature mind and heart craved for a long time in my teens into the early part of my reversion. There was a selfish component in which my feelings were at the forefront; where I only wanted what I wanted and, sure, I thought about them, too, but I was more focused on myself.

I wish I could say that I grew out of it but I would be lying if I didn't admit that it had crept up again in recent experiences. I thought about how the other person made me happy. Sure, I wanted what was best for them, too, but I would still think about myself and avoiding getting hurt in any way. I thought about how dependent I had become on them for my happiness and security. I had begun overlooking things that didn't sit well with me; things I knew, deep down, I should've spoken up against more often and without fear. Not fear of God but fear of how they would react and how much it would hurt me. Are we seeing the selfish pattern?

I had let the euphoric highs dictate things for far too long. They should've been -- and were when I didn't ignore them -- the first red flags that things weren't right but I was so caught up in my emotions. That's not to say I didn't have my lows. I did. When I came crashing down to earth, I hit hard and I ended up hating myself for it. Yes, hating myself. The passions were strong in me. But then another high would come and it would undo my resolution to not let myself be caught up in those feelings. It wasn't until Our Lady stepped in and interceded that I knew things couldn't continue. That's when I began on the path I'm currently on.

After all those reflections, I came to the conclusion that I've been in love -- in the true sense of the word as I'm coming to understand it -- only once in my life. I will say that I am so grateful that I can claim that the only person I've ever truly loved (in a romantic sense) is someone whom I still admire and respect.

"So," you may be wondering, "are you saying that you're still in love with said person? Is this your big, romantic gesture towards them?"

No. Although I'm truly grateful for having had that experience, there is no future -- at least, not in the romantic sense, for him and I. He is someone I still care deeply for but I've realized that I'm in love with Someone Else. In a surprising (or unsurprising, perhaps) plot twist, I actually came to realize how truly in love I am with Christ! Insert your own surprising level here. Go ahead, I'll wait for whatever reaction you're having to pass. lol.

The more I think about love and the more I think about the possibility of beginning my official discernment to consecrated virginity, the more it makes sense to me. There was always something lacking in my past relationships and crushes. Even with the only man I had ever felt true love for, I couldn't picture a future with him. There was a reason for it, which now makes me laugh in hindsight. He taught me about what it was to love unselfishly and what it meant to will the good of the other but I could never picture myself married to him for a reason I now understand. With the rest, perhaps I could've seen a future with them but I can now see why things didn't work out; why things worked out as they have. God has opened my eyes to see where there would've been major problems. I can see where we would've been unhappy and where the love would've continued down a utilitarian route. Perhaps not just (or at all) on my side but I could see where there would've been a breakdown in loving the other person as God intended. I didn't want to be used nor did I want to use the other person so I'm grateful for everything that has happened to date. I now fully understand why things never truly felt right to me in any of those relationships.

So, yes, I have come to realize that I have fallen in love with Christ. When I think about the ultimate and greatest act of love mankind has ever known -- His crucifixion and death for the salvation of all of humanity -- the more I understand what love and the more I want to imitate that love. And by that, I mean that I want to fully die to myself and serve others. I want to let go of my selfishness and be more charitable. In a nutshell, I want to become even more Benedictine  -- to humble myself so that others always come before me; to serve; to become as little and unimportant as possible. Okay, so that last part is also partly St. Therese-inspired.

Just as Christ loved His Church, I want to do what I can for her. As fragile and feeble as I am, I can still offer up my ailments and moments of distress for the clergy and the good of the Church. I want to give as much of myself as I can. I want to give the rest of my life for His greater glory in whichever way I can. The beautiful part is that I know I can do -- and have begun doing -- this as a Benedictine Oblate. As a novice, I've already seen how my life has changed for the better; how my heart is opening to the plea of others in a way I haven't seen in many years. I had unintentionally hardened my heart in recent years. Now, it's all begun to revert to how things were prior to this hardening. All credit goes to my being an Oblate novice. Just the thought of making my Final Act of Oblation fills me with tears of joy and happiness.

Furthermore, I can also do this as a consecrated virgin. If it's God's will -- and my Oblate master, spiritual director, and Archbishop Gomez agree -- I will begin my official discernment soon. I'm still waiting to hear from my Oblate master; to make sure a discernment won't interfere with my novitiate as I know we cannot make certain vows as Oblates. I also have my next spiritual direction meeting coming up. To say I'm excited to see what God has in store for me is an understatement.

If for whatever reason God doesn't will for me to become a consecrated virgin, I will accept it. If He wants me to stay single but simply make private vows, I will do it. If He is just preparing my heart for a man with whom I can live out this love for Christ, I also accept it. I meant it when I said I wanted nothing more than to do His will for my life.

The only thing I'm certain of -- the only thing that brings me simultaneous joy and peace -- is that I am called to become a Benedictine Oblate. And, as an Oblate, I am called to love and serve God and others with the gifts He has given me.

So, that's where I am. This was no clickbait title. I am in love and a deep love at that. My heart overflows with it, especially now that it's becoming softer. Just when I thought it wasn't possible for me to love God any more, my heart grows and expands, surprising (yet not) me in the process.

Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to explore this love for God and discern my vocation in the process. I continue to pray for you all as well. :)

As always, thank you for reading and God bless!

Ch-ch-changes: Reflections and Changes Following My Digital Detox Month

Yes, I know -- I still have a week to go before my digital detox month is up and I can return to social media. However, next week is looking like it's going to be a busy one so I decided to post this a week early since I don't think anything will change in the week that's left.

In a nutshell, this week has been one long reflection on my use of social media as well as the fate of this blog. No, I am not closing down this blog. I may one day, but I don't foresee it happening, despite the lack of readership since blogs are no longer "in." But it, along with my use of social media, will be seeing a big change overall. The reason for it? It goes back to my relationship with God and my life as a Benedictine Oblate novice.

Long story short, though I have not been able to get away from screens as much I would've liked (articles need to be written, prayer requests need to be sent, and urgent calls need to be made), I have found a good balance that will work best for me. That was the whole point of this digital detox month and one of the intentions in my novena to the Holy Family at the start of the year. I wanted to learn how to best utilize the internet for good, not just mindless entertainment or a way to waste time. In these last 3+ weeks since I began my digital detox, I've been able to do just that and, in a surprising twist, the events of Tuesday and the subsequent blog post were the turning point for me.

I won't reiterate what happened on Tuesday but I had a feeling it was a teaching moment for me. I wrote as much at the end of the post. What I noticed in the following days was that I ended up feeling, well, uncomfortable about what I wrote. It's all true; I despise lying. But I felt like it was time for me to rethink what I share after feeling like I shouldn't have shared as much as I did on the post. Yes, my health issues are a big part of my journey (they often shape the trajectory of my decisions and actions), but I made the decision to no longer share details or much on that front in general.

I'm going to go the "ninja" route I take for my personal life and not post about them unless it's a major breakthrough or component to my spiritual journey. I once shared so much because I would often get messages from people thanking me for being so open about the struggles. They wrote that it helped them feel like they weren't alone in their own health struggles. But, I no longer feel like I need to do that. In fact, it doesn't feel right.

Instead, I feel like God wants me to focus on the "right, good, and true" that I experience in my life as a Catholic young woman who discerning the vocation of consecrated virginity and on the brink of making her Final Act of Oblation as a Benedictine Oblate. So, that's what I'm going to do. Basically, I'm going to focus on writing about my spiritual journey. It echoes the decision I made when I opened my public Instagram account where I share faith-based pictures and reflections. Trust me, there is a lot that I can write about just on my discernment of consecrated virginity alone.

The biggest reason for this is because, as I said, I feel like this is what God is calling me to do. Some people are great speakers and evangelizers. I'm not one of them. I'm not a great speaker; I stumble on and mumbles my words. I don' have that confidence speaking out on the faith as apologists do because I'm so worried about unintentionally leading people astray. That's why I write. I can think about what I want to say before I say it. I often write about what I do know and most of that is based on my own experience and studies. (Side note: what an appropriate day to say this; happy feast of St. Francis de Sales, patron of writers!). I feel like God has given me a gift of being able to connect with others through the written word and that's why I continue to write.

Furthermore, I've been reflecting on The Rule of St. Benedict and how he asked his monks not to speak unless necessary; to be careful with the words they used. My beloved monks of Norcia have begun using sign language and speak as little as often (read: only when necessary) for the same reason. As an Oblate novice, this got me thinking about how I use words... and how careless I can be with them. I was a chatterbox as a child but, as I got older and became more introverted, that changed. Social media gave me a reason to return to my chatterbox ways... but I've seen just how shallow and utterly pointless some of those words can be. So, I'm going to take a cue from my spiritual father (St. Benedict) and spiritual home (Norcia) and be more careful with my words. I'm also going to do this in person but I don't see most of y'all offline so this just an additional "heads up" to friends I do actually see and talk to offline.

I made this decision before I read the National Catholic Register's article on Catholics' reflections on the last decade of social media. Reading it just reaffirmed the decision to use social media as sparingly as possible and to be more careful about what I share on it and on this blog. It feels like the right time to step back and be more intentional with the use of both the blog and social media. I guess the Holy Family did listen to my prayers because I'm starting to see the fruit of it.

Of course, there's more that goes along with this decision but those changes are of slightly different natures so I'll just leave that for the next post. All I'm going to say is that this digital detox month has been good for me. I feel calmer and less stressed out. I feel less pressured to be "on" at all times. And, most importantly, I like the transformation that's begun internally. God is definitely still making big changes in my life; changes for the better. :)

That is it for now. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers; you are all in mine. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

A Virgin Martyr, an ER Trip, and an Earthquake

*takes out a white flag and slowly comes out of hiding spot*

Is it safe? Can I come out now?

My goodness, yesterday was a nightmare and a half. Nothing went as planned but, then again, nothing has been going according to plan these past 3 weeks. My screen-free plans? They've been going just "okay." Not as strict as I would've liked because of all the hiccups that have been going on and my need for my cell phone (lots of calls and prayer requests via Hootsuite).

What would've I have wanted to do yesterday? Catch up on emails, read more of the Oblate manual (I've fallen behind schedule due to all the craziness that's been happening lately), relax for a little bit, and immerse myself in Scripture. The perfect ending to the day would've been reading And You Are Christ by Fr. Thomas Dubay, recommended for those discerning consecrated virginity. It would've been fitting since it was the feast of St. Agnes of Rome. After reading her story, I felt a kinship to her. To avoid trouble, I'll leave it at that. I thought about what a perfect day it would've been to spend contemplating on my vocation and the possibility of my heart belonging solely to Him; to say, like St. Agnes, "I will have none other spouse but Him, I will seek none other." I'll have to update y'all on this soon. Let's just say that I keep meeting opposition and lack of support but that isn't deterring me from moving forward.

In between all of that I had planned on going to urgent care to get the numbness of my left side looked at and then head to the dentist because my molar had started to give me problems. It was supposed to be a little busy but not a crazy day. Ha!

I'd been having the numbness on and off since Saturday morning but I wasn't too concerned. I figured it was either an allergic reaction (though a strange one since it was only one side of my mouth; the side I don't chew on) or it might've been a molar infection (yep, same molar since September) that was creating pressure on the nerves because it was mostly near the area of the molar that was going numb. Still, I was advised by the after-hours doctor (at midnight; after the numbness began increasing in frequency) to go to urgent care to get it checked out "just in case."

I went to urgent care but they immediately sent me to the ER because numbness on one side of the face can have one of the symptoms for a stroke. I didn't think it was one -- nor did the after-hours doctor -- because I didn't have any facial drooping or other stroke symptoms but I did what I was told. So, I went to the ER and they got me into a room immediately. I thought it was going to be a quick-ish trip (they never last more than 3-4 hours) but the CAT scan machines were down so I was there for almost 6 hours. It wouldn't have been a problem except I was praying I would get out in time to see my dentist before they closed for the day... and until Thursday.

And if you're wondering, yes, I'm still having dental issues. Remember the whole issue with the shady dentist's office? "Thanks" to them, a root canal was denied by my insurance at my regular dentist's office. We can't even afford to get ourselves a new car to get around so I can't afford to pay for the root canals out of pocket. (side note: the generous GoFundMe campaign helped us get money for my mom's pre-dawn transportation to work but after the cut GoFundMe took for themselves and the $500 repairs we did on my car to help us get two more months-worth of rides from my car, we don't have enough to get a decent car. Even used cars are expensive in L.A.; we're looking at a $3500-$4000 estimate for a car that will last us a while.) I was supposed to get the molar pulled last month but my usual dentist ended up backing out, saying she didn't want to risk any complications with my low platelets even though my hematologist had signed off on it in November. I've been waiting since to get the referral to the specialist.

I went to get my referral last week when my molar started randomly throbbing, but they still made me wait a week because they were trying to figure out a way to help me with my insurance and to lower the out-of-pocket costs as much as possible. Well, it still got infected in the meantime because the temporary filling from September had worn down and they refused to put in another one, hence the numbness. They just kept saying, "Oh, just come in if it starts hurting and we'll just give you an antibiotic." That was exactly what I was trying to avoid because of how sensitive my stomach is. To quote the ER nurse yesterday, "Ugh. I don't know why dental offices do that!"

So, I prayed the Memorare emergency novena while waiting to get my CT scan results back, praying that I would get out of there in time to see the dentist. Thankfully, the novena worked and the ER doctor seems to have put pressure on the radiology department -- no stroke or anything of concern with the CT scan. The numbness is likely due to a dental abscess. My platelets dropped a considerable amount in less than 2 months as did my red blood count but I seemed healthy overall.

I was able to get out of the ER with 45 minutes to spare and took an Uber to my dentist's office. I got there in time... but I didn't get checked out. I was assured I would be seen but wasn't. Instead, the dentist just prescribed an antibiotic for the infection; apparently, all he could do for me. I'm like 85% sure the infection needs to be drained but they didn't so... let's just hope that the antibiotic will be enough until I can get the molar extracted.

We spent a lot on Uber transportation yesterday -- from my house to urgent care... to the ER... to the dentist's office... back to my apartment because I was in no condition to walk the mile back, especially at night in our not-so-safe neighborhood. There was also the expense of my mom taking it to the ER from work. Thankfully, my next-door neighbor was kind enough to drive me to get my antibiotics at the local pharmacy to avoid more expenses. That's just a bit more we chipped away from our new-to-us car savings but it was all necessary. Instead of bemoaning the costs, I'm giving thanks to God that the generosity of others helped us have the means to get to the hospital and back. Money can be saved up again but health is harder to recover.

Oh! If the day didn't sound crazy enough, it ended with a strong jolt during the last half hour or so of the day. It wasn't a big earthquake -- only a 3.6 -- but since we're not too far from the epicenter, we felt it a bit strongly. My mom was already asleep at that point and I was contemplating eating a little more to take the antibiotic when it struck. Needless to say, she lost sleep and I had to start my antibiotics today because of the lost time. Never a dull moment around here, eh?

Of course, me being me, I keep thinking about what God is trying to say to me during all of this; what He's trying to teach me. I'm reminded of what I've felt God has been saying to me during the silent moments: "Do what you know is right, good, and true." While in the ER, I was also able to meditate on the Divine Office readings and just how much St. Agnes trusted in the Lord despite all the hardships she endured prior to her martyrdom and that gave me peace of mind and heart.

I also think about how word of the year was "active" and how I feel like I should be more proactive in taking charge of my things instead of letting others decide for me; of letting to of, well, fear of being disrespectful by being more insistent. In this case, I probably should've been trying to pressure the dentist to get me that referral sooner or I should've gone elsewhere for help sooner.

Maybe all of this is happening because God is trying to show me that, while it's good to trust people and think the best of them, that I should also be on top of my things because I can't always rely on others. I should try to do as much as I can and ask God to help me with what I can't do on my own because only He has my best interest at heart.

Maybe I've been too trusting and that makes me more vulnerable to people who don't have the best intentions; I've always been a magnet for those types. This could be a lesson that the only One I can trust is Him and thus I should strengthen my relationship with Him.

Or perhaps these are things that are happening because I need more change and more closure -- a change of dentist, a change of my primary doctor, and finding a different mechanic because they all seem to have written me off lately. Maybe this all part of God's plans for a new beginning for my life, whether it be here or somewhere else. It seems that I've been tying up a lot of "loose ends" in L.A. lately and it's looking more and more like I'm going to (finally!) end up leaving the only hometown I've ever known. Even my next-door neighbor (the same one who took me to the pharmacy last night) offered to buy my car (yes, completely unusable as is; he has the funds to put more work into it as it only has 123k miles on it and the engine is still seemingly good) so if I needed to get rid of it to be able to move to another state, it would be done without problem.

Whatever it is that God has in store for me, I'm here for it. I'm still trying to figure out how to forgive the person who triggered a mini-relapse a week ago and mean it. I feel like I've forgiven him but that's how I felt last time and I obviously hadn't. Thankfully, I have a spiritual direction meeting coming up in a couple of weeks so I hope to get somewhere. In the meantime, I guess I'll keep offering up all these hard lessons and trying to stay afloat.

To say that my family has had a difficult start of the year would be an understatement. It seems like Mom and I are taking turns in who is dealing with difficult issues every couple of days. However, I believe that we're both going through these things because God has some amazing things in store for us. Whether we're atoning for sins, shedding things that keep us from him, or we're being prepared for something greater, only God knows. What I do know is that I completely trust in Him and that He is allowing this all to happen for the good of my soul.

Anyway, I just wanted to update y'all who might've been wondering what was going on with all the recent prayer requests. Trust me, I wouldn't have sent them if I didn't feel they were needed. Yes, even the prayer request to have my spiritual director return back home was necessary. His car was breaking down (parts of his car were literally falling off) and we were worried about his safety. And, no. I haven't logged in to social media since January 1st so if you're replying to my prayer request (being sent through Hootsuite), I won't get a chance to see or even answer them for about week and a half.

I hope y'all are having a much better time than I am. lol.

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

God is Tearing Me Down to Build Me Up Anew

Lately, I've had a lot of endings and just a couple of new beginnings. In a way, it seems like God is tearing things down in my life to build it up anew.

I never talk about this particular topic but I'll make the exception this time around. Wedding and marriage plans were made for months up until a few weeks ago. Yes, you read that correctly. I told y'all I'm a ninja when it comes to my personal life. lol. Very few people knew about it; that I was discerning the possibility of marriage with someone. It was during the 54-day Rosary novena that everything changed. I won't go into details (this is something between God, Our Lady, and I) but let's just say that my heart began aching for God during this time.

I didn't like that my heart didn't belong solely to Him. I felt torn away from Him and I couldn't figure out why. I hated that feeling. As I continued the novena, the vocation of consecrated virginity kept coming up as did St. Philomena and (later on) St. Agatha. To this day, I still feel like God is whispering, "I want you to belong to Me. I want your heart to belong to Me." As I had said before, I still don't know if this is meant to be my vocation but I do know God wants my heart and my focus on Him right now. If He wants it, He can have it without reservations on my end.

When it became clear that God wanted me to pursue this path, it was hard. All those months of planning and dreaming... for what? Nothing? But I knew I couldn't ignore it. I knew God had placed this desire in my heart for a reason. I've always said that I've wanted nothing more than to do His will for my life so I had to put my money where my mouth was. It was difficult. I was heartbroken. It didn't end well, but that was to be expected. Still, my sole comfort was that God wanted my heart and He would take care of it in a way no one else could.

Similarly, I had made plans (for months) to move out of my mother's house, on my own or with friends. Every time I tried to leave, there were health or financial obstacles. My spiritual director, who had encouraged me to leave for months, said it was a clear sign that God wanted me to stay put. "You may not know why but He's made it clear that you should stick around." So, I have.

During the digital detox, God has opened up my eyes to great faults in myself that I was spiritually blind to. It was a hard pill to swallow but I couldn't deny what I was seeing in myself. I knew that these would've created major problems in both a marriage and in a situation with roommates because I haven't learned how to master them. I thanked God when my eyes were opened and I (admittedly, ashamedly) accepted that these things were something I need to work on.

This last week (and some odd days) since my digital detox began, I've been mostly trying to work on my relationship with God and on learning how to best manage my character flaws. I've been praying the entire Divine Office most days -- yes, Matins included. Lectio Divina is something I do regularly now. My prayer life has changed along with some of the changes in my life and it's shaping up so beautifully.

I'll be the first to admit I don't like change, nor do I do well with change. Yet, I find myself in the middle of a lot of endings and very few beginnings. Some of these changes aren't even bad or important ones. Virgin Mobile USA is no longer operating as of next month and it's making me wistful since they're the only wireless company I've had since I got my first cell phone in 2004. One of my favorite bands, MuteMath (whose self-titled album became the soundtrack of my reversion), has disbanded. Moving plans and plans to possibly sell my car (which we tried to salvage through repairs; it broke down on us 4 times this past week) will be decided soon. I've lived in the same apartment since I was 5 years old and my little Honda is the only car I've ever driven in the 9 years I've had my license.

As you can probably surmise, I like stability and being in my comfortable little bubble where everything is predictable and routine. All these changes are throwing me for a loop. Add going from having plans for my vocation and future to playing things by ear to the mix and you can guess how I've been doing lately. Yet, this is what God has been doing in my life and I'm learning how to make the best out of things.

I feel like the conversations between God and I lately have been a variation of:
"Do you trust Me?"
You know I do, Lord.
"Then let go. Do what you know is right, good, and true. Love me. Love others. Follow My commandments. Live in a state of grace. I'll take care of everything else."

Obedience is very important in the life of Benedictines -- both religious and Oblates. I've had to learn to let go of my expectations and plans and let God lead me down the path He wants for me. Under the guidance of my spiritual director and Oblate master, I will continue to look at what God is calling me to do with humble obedience. No arguments. No grumbling. Just a complete submission to His will. Of course, I will take responsibility for my actions and prayerful go forward and will adjust things as they come up; as God reveals them to me.

So, that's where I find myself. I don't know where most of the work is being done -- interiorly or exteriorly. Perhaps it's an even split. All I know is that my life is being changed completely. Beyond a few friendships and possibly my work/career, I don't foresee anything being the same by the time a new normal is established in my life.

I've never been much of a risk-taker but I keep thinking of the movie Up! and of young Carl saying "Adventure is out there!" Indeed, adventure is out there and God is pulling me out of my safe bubble to experience more of life.

As I get closer to my 35th birthday (5 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days, but who is counting?) I'm becoming more and more aware that this chapter of my life -- the first decade after my father's death -- is coming to an end and new things await me. God has some amazing plans for me so I'm going to be a brave little toaster and soldier on. May He tear me down completely so that I may become the woman He wants me to be; one worthy of spending eternity with Him.

Anyway, just some Sunday afternoon thoughts for y'all.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for Mom and I. Yes, we still have a big decision to make that will change this family, for better or worse, and how we'll go forward from this point on. Yet another adventure, one I will be sharing with her.

I hope you have all had a lovely week and had a blessed Sunday!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :)

Starting My Digital Detox: The Rules and the Feelings

Just before I started this blog post, I almost broke down crying. Why? Because I'm overwhelmed and burnt out. Hearing text messages -- especially multiple sent back-to-back, seeing my notifications on social media explode, having people I don't know give their opinions on my life and decisions... it's all too much for me.

When I asked for prayers a couple of weeks ago, stating that I haven't been well for a while, I wasn't kidding. I'm beyond stressed out and my mental and emotional health are barely hanging on. I don't normally share this but I'm going through an incredibly difficult time in my personal life right now. I'm also emotionally exhausted from the ups and (mostly) downs of my health ailments. I want to cry all the time and the toll of it all has begun affecting my health as well. It's like a vicious circle that doesn't end. I've reached my breaking point. That's why I decided, weeks ago, to take a digital detox break. I wish I had started it sooner, though, because I've been on the verge of tears all day today.

I'm so grateful to everyone who follows me and interacts with me on social media... but it seems that I can't post anything these days without at least 3 people contradicting me, telling me what to do, or trying to dissuade me from what I've decided. This is especially true when it comes to health and faith matters. I know most have the best intentions but it's too much for me. I'm going through one of the most emotionally draining times of my life and having these types of comments are not helpful. In fact, they make me feel worse.

I didn't want this to be a venting post. I'm sorry if it came across that way but I wanted y'all to understand why I've decided to do this.

So, what will my break (hopefully) look like? Here are my rules for the next month:

Smartphone usage:
- I'm keeping my phone in a separate room from me while I'm at home. It will be kept on "do not disturb" mode all day. The only calls that will go through are from my mother, my older brother, and my best friend (who is in wedding planning stress mode; please say a prayer for her). I'll have the ringer on just for them so I can hear when they call -- and they only call when it's absolutely necessary.
- I will check for important messages and calls for 5 minutes only after each of Divine Office hours. So, after 6 a.m., 9 a.m., noon, 3 p.m., 6 p.m., and 9 p.m. while I'm awake. After 9 p.m., I won't check messages until the next morning. If I see no messages during my breaks, I'll just move forward with other plans that don't involve my phone.
- I will reply to urgent prayer requests and messages during those 5-minute breaks.
- If someone wants to chat, I will make the time (in advance) to do so. That can be on the phone or in person. Snail mail is also welcomed. This rule applies to only those I know offline or who I've trusted enough with my personal information.
- The only social media app I have on my phone -- Instagram -- will be deleted for the month.

Laptop usage:
I can't completely leave all screens behind for the entire month because, as a freelance writer, I need to do research and submit articles but I will be limiting the use of them overall.
- I will access my email only when I'm on my laptop. The limit will be 3x per day -- once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once at night. The limit will be for 5 minutes during the day breaks and 30 minutes at night.
- I'm leaving all non-work or personal emails for the weekends. I will reply to non-urgent personal emails at the end of the day but anything that comes from a mailing list (e.g. articles and blog posts) will be left until the weekend.
- I will do most of my writing offline and will then transfer it to the appropriate mediums as needed.
- The laptop will be used only to write, research, link, and respond to emails during the week. Once those things have been taken care of, I will turn it off until I need it for productivity reasons. I'm giving myself limited time over the weekend to catch up on articles and blogs.
- All social media posts to links to my articles and blog posts will be sent through Hootsuite and some will get scheduled if I have more than one to share per day.
- I'm avoiding all streaming content all month that isn't necessary for work (and it rarely is). The exception to this rule is when I'm visiting someone who has streaming content on, e.g. a movie or music.
- I've had the Freedom app in place since last year and I will add even more restrictions to it in case of temptations. It's already helped me out a lot since I got it in April. (And, yes, that's an affiliate link; just a heads up.)

TVs and iPods:
- If I want to watch anything, it'll have to be on TV, either via the blu-ray player or the antenna we use to watch local channels.
- In the spirit of the detox, I'm also limiting how often I use these mediums. I'll use them only when there's someone else watching it (e.g. my mother or if a friend visits).
- I will most likely use my iPod touch the most during the break but with the WiFi turned off. I have a ton of music I've purchased over the years downloaded onto it for when I'm away from the radio and/or want to listen to audiobooks. No, audiobooks won't be streamed; they'll be downloaded. Ditto with podcasts.
- I have radio access at home and in my car to listen to Classical KUSC (since it's local) so that also takes care of the possibility of wanting to listen to something new on my monthly break.

I have a lot of plans to keep myself occupied. Even when I'll be resting (because I'm still at the beginning of my physical recovery mode), I'll have physical books to read, a guitar to play, some modern calligraphy to practice (I'm making the place cards for another best friend's wedding), and sewing to learn. Oh, yes, and lots of places to visit and things to do outside the house when I'm able to get out for a little while.

I'm doing this detox for two main reasons:

1) In hopes to disengage from being so hyper-connected in hopes that it will help my mental health. I don't want to have to go through a mental breakdown while trying to recuperate my physical health as well. I need peace. I need quiet. I need to not worry about anything except getting myself healthy once again and doing God's will (more on that in a bit). If I'm bored (and it's good to be bored; it helps with your creativity), I'll just have to opt for high-quality leisure activities after work and prayers are done.

2) Most importantly, in hopes to discern my vocation AND get ready for my Final Act of Oblation in a couple of months. I need to quiet my mind and my heart so that I can hear God more clearly. I may not currently know what my vocation is but I have zero doubts in my mind that I'm called to be an Oblate. Thus, I need to really embrace the Benedictine lifestyle now that I'm not sleeping, bedridden or dealing with other physical obstacles most days like I was for the first couple of months of my novitiate. I need to spend even more time in prayer and doing Lectio Divina. I need to attend Mass and do Holy Hours as frequently as I can. I've given myself the goal to learn the Act of Oblation and other prayers in Latin as well so I have work to do.

There are a number of things I'll be working on during this month to prepare myself -- especially to better myself as a Benedictine Oblate -- but I think I'll leave those details for future blog posts. And, yes, I do firmly intend to blog more often because I have a lot of really exciting things coming up.

So, those are my plans from tomorrow (World Introvert Day) through Candlemas (February 2nd). Once my detox is over, I'll share with y'all my details on how I'll slowly reintroduce social media and other digital devices; what the changes will be and what will be completely eliminated.

Alright, I guess that's it for now. Please say a prayer for me during this time. Of course, I will keep y'all in my prayers as well! I hope to blog again before the week ends but don't quote me on that. There's a couple of things I want to do offline first. That's why I finished and submitted my work yesterday as well; to have the rest of the week off to focus on that. Let's just say that I'm taking "World Introvert Day" seriously tomorrow and I might extend it through the weekend. ;)

I hope you all had a lovely New Year's Eve and Day. Merry Christmas (until Candlemas for me but Epiphany for most Catholics).

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

My Gift to Baby Jesus: My Heart and Vocation Discernment

"This is my Chrismas/birthday gift to you, baby Jesus. I'm letting go, once and for all."

With those uttered words, I took a deep breath and I finally let go of something I had reluctantly been holding onto for so long. I was going to wait until Christmas to "pull the trigger" but it became abundantly clear that I couldn't keep putting it off any longer. There were too many "signs" and circumstances that I couldn't ignore. The fact that it all happened on the last day of the 54-day Rosary novena was no coincidence either. Of that, I am sure. So, I let go. And, please, no one start singing that Frozen song. lol.

This is the first time I "give" a gift to the child Jesus but it was something that has been slowly growing in my heart in recent weeks. What it is that I let go, I can't publicly state out of respect for those involved but it was something that needed to be done in order to go forward with my discernment to consecrated virginity. Surprise! Or not. lol. I know those following me on Twitter and Instagram won't be surprised as I've mentioned it enough over the last couple of weeks but it will be for those not following me on those platforms who do read this blog.

Yes, you read that right: I am beginning my discernment to consecrated virginity. It has not been an easy road. The idea has come up more than once over the years but I've always stubbornly fought it because I was sure I was called to marriage and family. Then I discerned that and, well, there was something still missing. Don't get me wrong. I felt happy... but there was a God-shaped hole I just couldn't ignore.

To be honest, I hated not belonging fully to God; to feel like my heart was divided in two and that He wasn't getting more of me than He was getting. It didn't feel right to me. Of course, there's more to the story but it came down to my feeling pulled away from God and being miserable about it. Slowly, things began unraveling and the discernment to the vocation of consecrated virginity became more and more clear. Once St. Agatha came up as my patroness for the year 2020 in the Saint's Name Generator (and then St. Philomena decided to officially join the party as my co-patroness; I'll write more about her soon), I knew I could no longer ignore the call.

As hard as letting go might've been (and it was!), I felt a tremendous peace doing it because I knew that it was what God was calling me to do. As a wise friend reminded me earlier this week, sometimes God calls us to sacrifice something for Him; to show Him that we're willing to follow Him instead of our own selfishness inclinations. Of course, I will continue to pray for those involved. I wish them peace and happiness. I also hope they understand that I couldn't, in good conscience, ignore God's call.

I am incredibly blessed to have the support of so many people -- friends and online acquaintances alike -- at the start of this journey. I don't have the full support of the most important person in my life, but I knew that going forward. God warned us that we would meet opposition when we gave everything up to follow Him, but it's something I'm willing to do. I know God, through the intercessions of Our Lady, St. Agatha, and St. Philomena, will grant me the fortitude necessary.

I don't know if this will ultimately be my vocation. I actually won't get to decide that either -- it'll be Archbishop Gomez! Yes, you read that correctly. I may discern all I want with my spiritual director but if Archbishop Gomez -- after hearing why I discerned this vocation and how I arrived to my conclusion that God may be calling me to this -- doesn't think it's truly what God is calling me to do, that will be the end of that. In obedience (as both a Benedictine Oblate and someone trying to properly discern this vocation), I will have to accept whatever decision he makes. Of course, I will pray that the Holy Spirit helps him arrive at the "final verdict" that is in accordance with God's will for my life. Still, it may end up being a long, hard discernment road that may end up with me back where I started.

The unknown can be anxiety-inducing, especially to someone who likes to make plans, but this is where I need to put my money where my mouth is. Do I truly trust God with childlike faith? I better do so because there is so much uncertainty right now. All I know is that God has cleared the path for me to move forward with my discernment and that is what I'm going to do. If anything, I will come out of this having discerned all the vocations and I will have no doubt as to what God is calling me to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with you on this beautiful Christmas Day.

Happy birthday, baby Jesus! I love You so much that I give You my whole heart and my entire vocation discernment. May God's will be done, not mine.

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying this beautiful day with your loved ones.

Oh, and happy anniversary to me! Today marks 12 years (whooooa!) since I started this blog. We're still just at the beginning of this adventure, y'all! Thank you so much for continuing to follow, support, and encourage me along the way. I pray for you all every time I do my nighttime prayers. :)

God bless you all!

Living The Benedictine Oblate (Novice) Life While Sick

Picture after the Oblate novitiate ceremony and scapular investiture; this marked the official beginning of my novitiate.

This morning, I heard from my Oblate master and it filled my heart with such a beautiful and immense peace and joy. I wish I had the ability to express just how lovely it felt to receive that email.

A couple of weeks ago, I sent him an email detailing my health journey. I mean, I also asked him questions about how to strengthen my spiritual life, but I updated him on life so he'd know what to advise. Today, I received a follow-up that made me very happy.

Since they're very busy out in Norcia (yes, they're still building their new monastery after the 2016 earthquake leveled their monastery; please feel free to donate here), I don't expect to hear from him often but I am always filled with joy when I do.

After receiving the email (and replying to it), it dawned on me that I haven't really talked about my oblate novitiate journey in the middle of all my health struggles. In fact, I think most people will be surprised to hear that I'm still continuing my journey considering how poorly my health has been lately. Well, let me reassure you that I'm still going forward... and I'll share with you a few theories that have been thrown around amongst my friends (a little later) of how the two are connected.

As the Benedictine motto ("Ora et labora"; pray and work) suggests, two of the pillars of the spirituality are work and prayer. As Oblate attached to this particular monastery, I'm also to embrace penance (more on this in a bit), charity (especially towards the poor and the unfortunate), chastity, keep up the days of fasting and abstinence, and work on being obedient. I'm also to detach myself from the world (be a part of it but not of it) and reject pride.

What I've been focusing on in my current state has been prayer and obedience. Actually, obedience has been the biggest focal point for me these last couple of weeks because I've been actively discerning my vocation for the last couple of months. The only thing I'm going to say about that is that I'm incredibly happy with where God seems to be leading me. Of course, credit goes to my Oblate master who encouraged me to go forward with it at our retreat. I knew there would be obstacles (even before the health issues began) but it's been such a beautiful experience so far and I have no doubts I'm doing God's will for me. Finally! I have confidence in something I'm doing! lol.

The obedience part of the vocation discernment is sometimes hard because my spiritual director occasionally tells me to do something that I don't technically want to do but know I have to do. That's the beauty of obedience: you break your own selfishness and passions in order to follow the wisdom of those who know better than you; those who care about the state of your soul and want to see you doing the right thing in your discernment.

The prayer part of my life has been the easiest for me to maintain because of the routine I had established prior to my Oblate novitiate. I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary (sometimes the little Benedictine Office) at least twice daily, or more if I'm able to. For example, today I've able to do all the hours so far, except Terce because I fell asleep for a little while. I pray the Rosary daily. I have a number of prayers that I know by heart and can do while I'm blinded by lights (the photophobia has been my biggest enemy lately) and have to wait to regain my eyesight once again. If it wasn't for prayer, I probably wouldn't be able to go through some of the obstacles I've encountered recently.

For obvious reasons, the "work" part has had to be modified to fit with what I'm capable of doing with my worsening eyesight and my overall fatigue and physical limitations. I still write for Epic Pew and Catholic Chemistry when I'm able to; though I've had to take a couple of weeks off here and there when I'm not doing too well. Thankfully, both editors are great and understanding if I'm late with deadlines or if I need a couple of breaks writing. God bless them both!

I also try to keep my family duties as well as I can. I help run errands when my eyesight and fatigue cooperate with me. I keep the financial budget as well as I can. I drive my mom to work every morning, except on days when I'm completely blind in the morning and it's extremely dangerous for me to try to drive. As my health begins to stabilize, I'll be adding more of the housekeeping duties I usually have. At the moment, my only big ailment is my eyesight; the low blood pressure fainting spells and the physical weakness have both gotten better in recent weeks.

I know I need to work on Lectio Divina (another pillar of the Benedictine spirituality) and Mass attendance. I'm sure you can guess why I've been failing at these two -- my worsening eyesight AND health problems that have left me housebound for several days at a time. In fact, I spend most of my days in bed, with my adjustable bed base reclined up so I can sit more comfortably. Still, if I can go to confession and/or Mass, I go! I also try to get the daily Mass readings in, even if I have to highlight it and have Siri read it to me when my eyesight is particularly bad.

The scrupulous side of me is anxious about failing at these two things because they're such a major part of the Oblate life. At the same time, I also remind myself that I can only do so much with what I have going on. I try to not be hard on myself because, honestly, there is only so much screen and/or reading I can do before my eyes have had enough for the day. Some days, I have to keep my eyes closed for most of the day (enter Catholic podcasts and audiobooks for company) because my eyesight is just completely horrendous. For now, I'll continue to pray that I have little pockets of good eyesight time to be able to get myself to Mass and/or do Lectio Divina more regularly.

Having said all of that, yes, I absolutely still firmly intend to go forward with my novitiate as planned. I also still plan to attend the annual retreat next year and make my final Act of Oblation. I have a couple of friends who have a theory that all of this is happening because of my novitiate discernment. My health issues didn't really start until a week before I left for my retreat and, if you remember, I had my first ER visit during the retreat. You know... like someone (or something) doesn't want me to go forward with this for some reason. Anyway, just putting that theory out there. You draw your own conclusions. Since St. Benedict is now my spiritual father, I will let him intercede for me as necessary. God's will be done, no one else's.

I think that's as "in a nutshell" as I can get. I tried to keep it as short as I could. God willing (and my eyesight and health cooperating), I will be getting back into my blogging groove this month. Again, God willing. I've been doing the 54-day Rosary novena with my eyesight as my first intention so we'll see just what miracles Our Lady will do for me. Even if it's not a full restoration of my eyesight, I know I will receive the graces necessary to cope with whatever is ahead of me.

Of course, I will keep y'all updated on both my Oblate novitiate (especially now that I've remembered to do so; mea culpa!) and my health journeys!

Please keep me (and particularly my eyesight and the ophthalmologists treating me) in your prayers this next month as we hope to finally get some answers with the latest round of blood work tests and a new MRI scheduled for next week.

And, that's it for now. I have to go grocery shopping because I've run out of food. I was waiting for my mom to get home so I would have an extra pair of eyes with me; it's best while my eyesight is wonky.

I hope you've all been well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless!

Does Anyone Have Any Oblate Trip Fundraising Ideas?

It's official! I know where I will begin my Oblate novitiate in a couple of months! I'm so very excited!! I had done the St. Benedict novena for his first feast day of the year (March 21st) which ended less than a week ago for this very intention -- a clear sign to where God wanted me if it was His will that I become an Oblate. I also talked to a trusted priest -- who had given me much needed advice -- exactly one week ago. I have no doubt that it was the combo of the prayers of St. Frances of Rome (did a novena to her earlier this month), St. Benedict, our parish priest, my friends (who've been praying for me during the months I've been waiting to hear from the places where I had sent my inquiries) and from you lovely blog readers who might've said a prayer for me following the March 21st post about my impatience and my will vs God's will.

For months, I had been waiting to hear back from the Benedictine monastery where I hope to attach myself to. All that time spent waiting and praying helped me be sure that it was where God wanted me, not where I wanted to go for whatever convenient or selfish reason. There was another monastery I thought I would end up at but, for several reasons, it didn't work out. In hindsight, it was best for me because I think it could've potentially harmed my spiritual life more than helped it.

Now I have the exciting yet partially stressful task of planning the trip to the retreat where I will officially begin my novitiate. I'm excited about it for obvious reasons. This is something I've been praying and waiting for for over a year when I officially began sending inquiries to monasteries. As I've begun to incorporate the Benedictine spirituality and Rule into my life, I've seen so much more peace and purpose in my life. I can see how I'm growing, spirituality, though I never notice it until much later. As excited as I am, I have one big problem: I don't have the savings to make the trip.

As many of you know, it's just my mother and I and has been this way since my father passed away almost 10 years ago. With my health not being the best in recent years, work has been hard to come by since I can currently only work from home. I've had a slight relapse over the winter months (which makes sense; I have a severe vitamin D deficiency I've yet to recover from and it's been mostly rainy and/or cloudy this past winter) which has made even freelance writing difficult. Roughly 85% of my paychecks go towards helping my mother out with keeping the household financially afloat and 13% goes towards my student loan payments. If we have anything left over at the end of the month, it goes towards my savings but it's rare when I can put part of it into savings. Also, after a particularly disastrous financial month this month, my savings also took a hit so I'm left with enough for just one way to the retreat destination.

That's where I need your help: I need help figuring out fundraising ideas. If any of you know of someone who needs a writer, a proofreader, or anything I can do from home, please let me know! In the spirit of the Benedictines, I would like to work for what I earn. Transcribing is too time consuming and doing VIPkid would not work with my own fatigue since I never know when the fatigue will overwhelm me into slumber.

I've had people suggest a GoFundMe but I have nothing other than prayers to offer as a "thank you." I also have my mother's voice in my head, drilling into me (as a child) that I need to work hard for what I want; that I shouldn't take advantage of people by asking for help, even financially. It may be bordering on a pride thing but it's something that I've heard so much over the past 33 years of my life so I feel guilty even thinking about setting up an account.

Right now, I need to save up for the round-trip fare (I have a terrible fear of flying, especially if I'm going by myself, so I'll be looking up both train and flight fares), the $ I'll spend on food during the trip, for the actual retreat, and the car rental fee/Lyft costs when I arrive at my destination. I don't want to say when the trip is or where I'm headed for privacy issues but I do plan on blogging the experience after it happens. I'm also withholding which monastery I'll become a novice with from public knowledge for now, again, due to safety and privacy issues. Once the time of the trip comes, I'll share as many details as I can give. :)

So, does anyone have any ideas or know of anyone who needs a writer or proofreader? Please send me any leads you may have!

Alright, well, that's it for now. I'm going to go try to figure out Amtrak (and flight, gulp) fares and crunch some numbers.

I hope you're all having a lovely start of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)