Good News: a Possible Breakthrough in my Health Issues

((Before I begin, let me just wish you all a happy feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe! I wrote a bit about the same picture that's hung on my bedroom wall for the past (almost) 30 years on Instagram in case you want to read it.))

I thought I was ready for my hematology appointment yesterday morning. I was cool, calm, and collected. Or, so I thought until I woke up sweating cold that morning. That cold sweat didn't stop until after I saw the hematologist... an hour after my appointment was scheduled.

I kept repeating, "Jesus, I trust in You" from the moment I woke up... 2 hours early. I tried to go through my routine -- breakfast, prayer, and getting ready to go out -- at a slow pace. I had intentionally done it to keep my anxiety levels down. Whenever I felt them go up a bit, I would stop and repeat, "Jesus, I trust in You" three times before I would resume the routine.

Before I left, I stopped and had a conversation with God. Since I was home alone, I said the words aloud. I don't remember the exact words but they were along the lines of "Whatever happens, I accept. If it's Your will, it will be done. If it's good news, I will rejoice and praise you. If it's not good news, I know you will give me the fortitude to endure it. Whatever it is, I will sacrifice sleep and go give thanks at tomorrow's daily Mass."

I drove to my appointment with unusually clear eyesight (I've been having eye problems for months, remember?). I decided to listen to "The Benedict Option" audiobook as a distraction. I took a longer but clearer (read: less traffic) route to my hematologist's office. "If I get there late, I get there late. But I'd rather go calmly than stress myself out," I told myself as I drove to the office.

I got there on time... but I ended up waiting an hour before I was seen. See, the hematologist I've seen for the past two years is out of the country. While it wasn't confirmed, we think it has something to do with his work visa since he's a foreign-born doctor. He had a delay returning the last time his permit expired, too. Anyway, because of this (and the office being unsure of when he will return), they gave me a new hematologist. I was warned beforehand about this; there were rescheduled appointments and blood draws for it for weeks leading up to the day. I just didn't know the actual appointment would have a wait time of over an hour.

As you can imagine, I sat there sweating cold out of nerves. I didn't know if my pancytopenia (the medical term for low red and white blood count and low platelets) was still around; if I was healthier than I was since my last blood draw at the last ER visit I'd had, two months earlier. "Jesus, I trust in You" I said before I prayed the St. Patrick breastplate prayer and texted a good friend to help pass the time.

I was whisked inside and I waited for the doctor once again, this time in the exam room. My noontime alarm went off signaling the time to pray The Angelus and Sext. I had taken my copy of The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary in case I needed it. I took out my Rosary beads from my pocket and began praying the Angelus. I had just finished praying, "And the Word was made Flesh.. *genuflects* and dwelth among us..." and was standing up when the new hematologist came in. "This is it. Jesus, I trust in You," I said internally.

I was ready for whatever God in store for me... or, again, so I thought. I won't keep dragging the story for y'all so I'll tell you exactly what he said.

After introducing himself he said he'd gone over my charts and history along with my latest blood work. The good news was that my numbers had gone up. My white blood count had miraculously jumped up to normal in record time, from 3.6 to 4.6. My platelets went up 33k (from 102k to 135k) and I’m now currently only 5k under normal range. My red blood count and hemoglobin are still a little low but are now closer to normal range. He said that, given my history and my steady (for the most part) numbers, he thought it all pointed to an early rheumatology/autoimmune issue. When I explained that the ophthalmologist had ordered blood work because he also thought I had an autoimmune issue that was causing my eyesight problems (my bilateral optic nerve edemas), he said that it just further confirmed his suspicions. He said that it looked like it was all early stages of whatever was about to unfold and that no treatment would be necessary at the moment; we'll just keep an eye on things.

This is the first time I've come close to getting a diagnosis on anything! I was surprised and relieved. After so many years of dealing with low platelets and the anemia coming and going, here we had a sort-of breakthrough! I immediately thought about how the words "leaky gut" and the theory many people have made that perhaps that's what's wrong with me have popped up in recent weeks. A parishioner friend of mine even lent me a book on healing the leaky gut when I went to Mass last Friday (the beautiful First Friday I wrote about here). That's not even counting the dream I had nearly two years ago in which I dreamt that St. Giuseppe Moscati had examined me and told me to do a bone broth diet to heal my gut; a dream that also featured St. John Bosco. I even screen captured the tweet for future reference.

Y'all know this tweet is old because I haven't used that profile picture in years. Also, my apologies to St. Giuseppe for butchering his first name. It was during the time when I was still learning about him.

Perhaps this is all part of my 54-day Rosary novena intention; I've been praying for better health and the ability to expand my restricted diet. A leaky gut will make it seem like you have allergic reactions to many things -- especially foods -- so this could be the breakthrough I've been praying for! I am definitely going to try healing my gut just in case this has been the issue all along.

Before I end this post, I also wanted to share one more thing the good hematologist said to me. As he was leaving, hand on the door, he stopped and looked back at me and said, "Are you married, planning on getting married, or in a relationship?" I confirmed that I did want to get married one day, but I didn't know when that would happen. He then said what I was not expecting, "With your history and numbers, you can get pregnant. You can have children as soon as you'd like. Usually, there are worries about platelets dipping for people who have ITP or other blood disorders, but it shouldn't be a problem for you." I was completely dumbfounded. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind (for obvious reasons) yet I felt an enormous wave of relief. God willing, I can have babies and not worry about it affecting my health (at least, not my platelets) because it looks like it may all be an autoimmune issue rather than a blood disorder.

I left the office feeling lighter, a lot more hopeful, and intensely grateful to Our Lady for her intercession and to God for everything.

I knew there was a reason why my appointments kept getting pushed back; why I had to keep rescheduling blood draws and appointments. Not just for the hematologist but all of them. I didn't know what it was but perhaps it all needed to happen so that a  new doctor could look at my case and apply their knowledge to my “medical mystery” that’s been baffling doctors for years. (side note: the hematologist is an older gentleman so he has more experience than my [close to my age] regular hematologist.)

So, that's my news. On day 41 of the 54-day Rosary novena, I received that wonderful news. I have another blood draw tomorrow to check for autoimmune things and inflammation markers prior to my ophthalmologist appointment on Monday morning. I hope that we get a little closer to the root cause of all my problems with it as well. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the news with y'all. I received a letter from my Oblate master while trying to finish up this so I'm going to go read that right now. And, yes, I just teared up because of the timing.  What are the odds that I would receive a letter from my Oblate master (who, along with the other monks, has been praying for my health) with words of encouragement regarding my health while writing this post with an update on my health? God, Your timing is impeccable!

I hope y'all have a lovely rest of the week!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :)

"Do You See the Reflection of the Lord When You Look at Me?"

I have very vivid dreams. Those of you who've been reading this blog for years know that since I've shared quite a few over the years. Some are saint dreams. Some are dreams in which I talk to our Blessed Mother. In one, our Blessed Mother lifted me up (like a child) to hug her Son who was hanging on the Cross. I even had one about the end of the world. (Seriously, just search "dreams" on the blog and they'll come up.) The one I had this morning wasn't much different except that it's stayed with me.

Long story short, I was hearing a popular Catholic speaker giving their speech about... I don't remember what. All I remember was that, while I agreed with them on the subject, I was struck at how there was something wanting about the discourse. At the end (and before I woke up), I remember that I looked at them and said something along the lines of "... but do you see the reflection of the Lord when you look at me?"

The words were clearer when I woke up a couple of hours ago but the message has stayed with me: "Do you see the reflection of the Lord when you look at me?" It made me think about my own actions since I cannot speak for those who are more visible in the Catholic world.

I've been very blessed to meet a lot of great Catholic folks through this blog and social media, some offline. I've also been blessed to have been given the support by other well-known Catholics to make a little blip on the radar as a writer. I'm still a little nobody in the Catholic world (which works out for me because I'm a private person and because I don't have a thick enough skin to evangelize like others do) but I've been thinking about how my words and actions might reflect on others with whom I interact with on a daily/regular basis.

When I speak to them, do they see the reflection of the Lord? Can they notice His love and mercy... or do they see something else; something that makes them think I'm another religious hypocrite who says one thing and then does another? Do you ever think about that; about how you may be coming across to others who encounter you? I rarely did but I think I will make a conscious effort to be more mindful of my thoughts and my words.

I'm sure this dream was prompted by my reading of the Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales and (especially) How to be Happy, How to be Holy by Fr. Paul O'Sullivan. How to Be Happy... has been blowing my mind in terms of how I pray and how I think about the faith in general so I'm not surprised I had the dream I had.

Anyway, just some random thoughts I wanted to share with y'all. :)

I hope y'all are having a great week thus far. 

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Top 5 Saint Dreams (That I Can Share)

For those of you who've stuck around for the past 7+ years, you know that I go through periods of back-to-back saint dreams. While I don't have them as often as I used to, saints still love to pop into my dreams. St. Benedict of Nursia, Pope St. John Paul II, and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati are the ones who appear most often. Sometimes I get only Mama Mary and Jesus. (Side note: the dream in which I saw Jesus on the cross and was physically lifted up by Mama Mary to embrace him may be my favorite dream). Other times I'll get saints I'd never heard of before and I have to look them up the next morning.

I know some of y'all can remember a time when I used to shared them all the time and may be wondering why I don't anymore. The truth: I don't know. Maybe because they're more personal now. I share them with my spiritual director and those closest to me (or people who were in the dreams with the saints and I) but that's about it. Maybe I'll share more in the future but, for now, I'm going to go back in the archives and share my top 3 dreams that I've already shared as well as two I haven't shared yet but that have stuck with me for over 6 years.

In no particular order...

I

St. Benedict of Nursia is the saint that pops up in my dreams the most often and I'm almost always fighting evil in those dreams. Sometimes it's pitch black but I know he's right next to me as I face-off against the devil. When it's pitch black, he helps provide a light... even if that light is something bright that is cupped in my hands. Yeah, they can get pretty wild. However, my favorite didn't have anything to do with fighting evil. This one is 7 years old according to the original post. I was somewhere in Northern Europe, traveling by myself. I was told by a group of girls that I had to go up the stairs (of the hotel), but that I had to run quickly because there were dark spirits that would try to hurt me. We ran upstairs and, as we did, I felt the most excruciating burning pains in my stomach. When we got up to the room (the only room the stairs led to), the girls said that they'd felt nothing but that I had these massive lacerations all over my stomach... before I could do anything, little black bugs (the size of ladybugs) started raining down. The girls began yelling about how disgusting it was when I started to ask St. Benedict for his intercession. I don't know how the bugs disappeared but my stomach began to heal immediately. I was able to peel the wounds off as if they were stickers thanks to him. I had this dream about 4 years or so before I began having stomach problems in real life. 

II

I was triple-teamed by St. Catherine of Genoa, St. Catherine of Siena, and Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati in a dream about a year and a half ago. In the dream I could sense that St. Catherine of Genoa wanted to help me but I wasn't sure how. Before long, St. Catherine of Siena and Bl. Pier Giorgio were there as well -- both by my side -- because they had decided to help as well. At some point it became clear that they were there to help me discern my vocation. We were together in a pitch black place -- pitch black but I could still make out their faces and figures. It was a place of some confusion, almost like a blank slate because I didn't know where I was going. I faintly remember that they were trying to decide who was going to be in charge of helping me discern my vocation, it was kind of funny. Anyway, towards the end I remember that we were standing in a line. It was me, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati to my right, St. Catherine of Siena to his right, and St. Catherine of Genoa to her right, looking forward to the emptiness and unknown. I actually don't remember hearing about St. Catherine of Genoa prior to the dream but I remember getting a kick out of finding out what she's the patroness of when I woke up and Googled her -- patron saint of brides. Amused, I was.

III

One of the earliest saint dreams I shared on this blog is almost 8 years old; it was amongst my first blog posts. Anyway, this is what I wrote: "Two nights ago I had a very cool dream about saints. I was standing up on a cathedral's dome looking down at saints walking around in a garden. And, yes, they were actually alive in my dream. The cathedral was big and white and so were the stairs one had to take to get up to where I was standing. As I was looking down, I noticed St. Dymphna and St. Jude walking around. I don't remember if I called their names or if they just looked up but they looked at me and I knew they were going to come up to talk to me... I went inside and waited for them and then I saw other saints walking in from different hallways and staircases... I remember St. Teresa of Avila was there... I don't remember talking to any of the saints. I know they acknowledged me and made it clear that they knew I was there." Side note: I've since recognized the dome and the gardens as the dome of St. Peter's Basilica and the Vatican gardens. 

IV

My first I have yet to share: I'm going to skip a lot of really personal stuff that came up in the dream but let's just say that it was the first time I saw and chatted with St. Therese of Lisieux in a dream. It was all about vocations. We were in this sort of bookstore and she told me that I had to be patient in figuring out my vocation. She showed me a pink-red book and saw that it was a book on relationships. She really stressed that I had to be patient because it was going to take some time before I was able to live my vocation. I was given a number which, looking back on it, was curiously significant because it ended up being tied to the thing that held me back in my discernment. I had the dream a little over 5 years before I was finally able to move forward in my vocation discernment. I think almost all the St. Therese dreams I've had have been tied to my discernment, which is why I ended up entrusting it (discernment) to her. It just seemed appropriate.

V

Second dream I haven't shared: I'm going to combine a number of dreams into this one because they have one saint in common: Pope St. John Paul II. The first one was the first part of the previous dream (St. Therese). Basically, a young man had come to get my parents' blessing because he wanted to propose. In the dream I could see everything that was happening though they couldn't see me. I remember saying "how is my dad here? He's dead." (side note: this dream happened about a month before my dad actually passed away.) Anyway, after talking to my parents, I saw Pope St. John Paul II coming into my apartment from next door to give us his blessing as well. A few months later, I had two more dreams in which I was at the Vatican and I interacted with him. There was also one a couple of years ago in which I saw him consecrating the Host. I was there with two (then) newlywed friends (in their wedding attire) who could not see what I saw. I was told that I needed to receiving the Eucharist every day. A day later I had another interesting dream in which both my vocation and the Eucharist was brought up but that one involved St. John Vianney.

Yep, so those are my top 5 saint dreams. Not my top 5 dreams (I've had some epic Jesus and Mama Mary dreams) but the top 5 involving saints... that I can remember. lol. I sometimes forget them before I get a chance to write then down. Oops. lol.

Anyway, that's my contribution for All Saints' Day. I hope y'all have a blessed rest of weekend. ;)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

Priest Dreams and Screenplays

I'm taking a break from working on my third novel (which I'm really excited about) but still want to write so...  hello, new blog post. ;)

Two days ago I had an intense dream which I will now share because apparently some people like to read about my crazy dreams. I haven't really shared one in a while but I still have awesome saint dreams every once in a while. No saints in this dream but it did involve clergy and it took place in a church. Having had this dream the night/morning of my baptism anniversary, I got a kick out of it... and also wanted to talk to a priest as soon as I woke up. lol.

It started in a church which I believe was supposed to be the cathedral in downtown L.A.... but it wasn't the current cathedral. It actually looked like the original cathedral, St. Vibiana's Cathedral (you can see a picture of it here). My mom and I had gone to the noon-time Mass. Archbishop Gomez, Bishop-elects Barron, Brennan (who will be a part of my neck of the L.A. woods), and O'Connell were there with other priests. Yes, there are many priests concelebrating the Mass... and, no, I'm not sure why.

As Abp. Gomez began consecrating the host, with the rest of the clergy around the altar, a pack of wolves entered the side door, snarling at the laity in the pews. Most of us (myself included) began inching closer to the center of the aisles, prepared to run... but some people stayed behind, paralyzed by fear. One of the person who couldn't move was my mother. As much as I tried to get her to move, she wouldn't, so I worked up as much courage as I could and began to slowly walk back to where she was at.

Abp. Gomez and the other priests began making a human barrier around the altar, trying to protect it; a few priests stepping down and starting to close off any access to where the laity had run off. The wolves backed off, angry at them, but still tried to find a way around them. Still having my mother on my mind, I took my tote bag (yes, I usually use a tote bag) and began swinging it around (a total "come at me, bro" moment), in preparation for the wolves... but they never came. Since they were too busy trying to find ways through the priest -- the altar and laity being what they sought -- I figured I stepped up and linked my arm with a priest's in an attempt to prevent the wolves from advancing.

Slowly, the wolves began to back away and out of the church... except for one, who was really angry. Abp. Gomez and the three new bishop-elects stepped closed to it and it began to slither around like a snake. At that point, it was the only wolf still there. It was eventually surrounded by all four as Abp. Gomez threw holy water on it, never looking away from it. The wolf began to evaporate... though it left its skin behind; just the insides of the wolf had evaporated. At some point I had also gotten myself a small vial of holy water to keep in case I saw wolves in the future.

I woke up freaked out a bit. I also wanted to go to confession... which makes sense since I didn't go this past weekend. It took some time for me to realize that it was a dream and that I wasn't in immediate danger. In case you're wondering, no, the symbolism wasn't lost on me... nor the fact that it happened on the day of my 30th baptismal anniversary.

Dreams like this -- while I try not to read into them -- just remind me that my imagination is something else. Once (and if I had the time, I would go back and search it in the early blog posts) a priest told me that my dreams were better than the movies... which then reminded me of something that my spiritual director said to me last month. He asked if I had considered working in the entertainment industry to help the efforts to, basically, produce good content as opposed to Magic Mike movies (yes, we used this movie as an example in our chat).

My school, JP Catholic, has a great filmmaking program. I had a brief flirtation with "the biz" in my teens (long story short: I walked away from signing a contract with an agency when I was 20, a year before my reversion). My mind definitely works in a way that, as I write the story, I can envision as if it were a film. I have friends who are actors and/or screenwriters (hard to not to have at least one acquaintance in the industry when you live in L.A.)... yet I'm fairly certain that it's not a path I'd like to explore again. Still, it's something to think about.

Anyway, this was all just something to share because I wanted to keep writing and, hey, why not? lol.

Alright, I've spent enough time away from working on the novel. I really want to get at least 5000 words written for the day before I call it a night so this is it from me for now.

I hope y'all have a great rest of the work week. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

7 Quick Takes Vol. 5

Since I didn't get a chance to do a What I Learned Wednesday Post (though I did prepare; not enough time to write it), you're getting a 7 Quick Takes posts this week.

-- 1 --

As soon as I realized that I had less than a year to catch up on my reading (I have a feeling I won't be doing much non-school related reading in grad school), I started trying to play catch up. I finished North & South by Elizabeth Gaskell this week but I cannot finish Saints in Love by Carole Hallundbaek (which I can't find a link to? Is it out of print?). This was actually the topic of my WILW post this week. I'm going to post it next week because I need to sort of review it and I did learn a lot from it. There are just some things I find unnecessary. I read part of it to my friend Delaney when she came to stay with me for a couple of days earlier this month and she agreed that it was just awkward and there was absolutely no need for it. Let's see if some of you agree next week.

-- 2 -- 

I cannot believe the amount of feedback I received from my The Fear of Not Being Holy; Having a Secular Job post. I not only received a surprising amount of hits from various sources but I received the most comments outside of Blogger (mostly private Twitter messages) ever. It seems that there are several of us 20-somethings that are in the same boat with the similar thoughts and feelings. While I cannot say I'm an expert on the subject and thus cannot give advice, I am always here to hear y'all out. And, for the record, I have reached a decision but I'm going to talk to my spiritual director next week before I go forward.

-- 3 --

You know the freaky saint and good vs evil dreams I usually have (go ahead and search "dreams" on this blog)? I had one a couple of days ago that involved Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, the Evil One, the Blessed Virgin Mary, a ton of holy water, something burning, and the singing of "Ave Maria." Without going into detail, let's just say that the Evil One was laughing and happy about something and then Mama Mary came and got rid of him. At the end I was holding a candle and singing "Ave Maria." It was kind of trippy and I woke up a little freaked out.

-- 4 -- 

Something I re-learned about myself this week: man, I've always been a crier... and that will never go away. lol. I know that some people view tears as a sign of weakness but I don't. It just reminds me that I care about people in general. That simple. At first I was a puddle due to stress and then I was a puddle because seeing people suffer (or seeing them cry out of sheer joy) makes me cry. I don't even know these people but my heart goes out to them.

-- 5 -- 

I hate how horrible MSM is. I'm glad I took that intro to Journalism class my freshman year of college so I could be better prepared and not to be completely uncharitable. Still, I was so irked by the spinning they did yesterday that I tweeted this in frustration.

Days like today make me want to get my MA in Theology and bop little shoddy-foo foo reporters on the head.
— Emmy Cecilia (@nerdwriter) September 20, 2013

I think that says it all.

-- 6 -- 

The St. Therese of Lisieux novena begins on Sunday. I am grateful for the roses she sent me (blue; yes, I picked a random color) recently because it helped me with my decision about grad school. She's been my buddy for years now and I am so grateful for all her help. I don't have a specific intention for myself so if you have something you'd like me to pray for, let me know!

-- 7 -- 

Watch this video. This is a great reminder of why it's best to get to know someone before you write them off due to their appearances... or vice versa.

And that's it for this round. ;)

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D 

 

A Pope Benedict XVI Dream and Vocation Thoughts

The second part of the Catholicism in tumblr will come next week (asked someone to help me out with it). For now, I want to write something a little different as I want to reflect on the very powerful (well, for me) week that I've had.

If you read my FB page update last week (on the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima), you know I had some very exciting news to share. Over the last couple of days, a few things have changed... but I feel like maybe it was for the best.

First, I know some of you are curious about my Pope Benedict XVI dream (as well as saint dreams). Not sure why people like hearing them but I don't mind sharing. :D Well, basically in the dream I spoke to Pope Benedict XVI three times. First time was inside the Apostolic Palace. There were a lot of people around but I do remember saying something about wanting to live in Vatican City but that I knew I couldn't. The second time I spoke to him, we were all outside in a courtyard with journalist-type people. I'm a bit vague about the details (I should really keep a dream journal, lol) but it was basically about my vocation and how I knew I wasn't meant to be a religious sister. The last time, I was able to talk and walk alone with him. He gave me advice on my vocation (as a lay person who wanted to write) and he mentioned that there was a way that I could live/work in Vatican City as a lay person. He led me through a door when he told me this and then excuse himself as he had to "go back and help the poor and needy." And that was my dream. Not the first Pope Benedict XVI dream (one of my favorites was when I knelt down and he heard my confession/gave me advice and a Rosary/golden crucifix) but it's always pleasant. I would rather dream of the Pope, saints, Our Blessed Mother and Jesus than have other kinds of dreams.

Second, I had other work-related news but I had to rethink things after a few things came up. I'm still freelance writing (and I'm tutoring a little gal for an hour during the weekdays) but I came to realize that I couldn't take on a new project that I had been excited about. Though I was terribly excited (especially since it was to be with local Knights of Columbus), God knows why it didn't work out. I still dream of working with a church, a Catholic organization, or (one of my grander dreams) to work with a publication that is directly connected with the Vatican but for now I will be continuing my non-Catholic freelance assignments. Baby steps (just like the picture above of the Bl. Mother Teresa with a child.)

All of these things, along with the improvement of my health, have made me very aware of a lot things that I hadn't really thought about. For the first time since I began my freelance writing career, I've felt myself pulled more and more towards writing about the Faith. This week I was asked what my goal was and, for the first time, I said I wanted to use my gifts to help evangelize to my generation as well as the younger generations. At the moment all I can think of doing is continuing this blog as well as finishing my young adult novel. I know God will present different opportunities to me when I am ready.

To say that I've had a burning desire to do something big for the Church is an understatement. I don't know why but I feel like there's something that I am meant to do that I have yet to figure out. I feel called to devote my life to doing something unique to help evangelization purposes but am stuck as to what I should actually do. I've had this feeling before but never this intense or persistent. And, for the record, I want to do these things in a way that won't attract much attention to me. I just want to do these things in a quiet and fruitful way.

If I may be honest, though my heart is still stuck on becoming a wife and mother some day, I feel like this desire is even bigger than any thoughts of marriage. I may still get married but right now I feel myself being pulled closer to God and to (at the risk of sounding dramatic) lose myself in Him. Again, I don't believe I have a religious vocation (and I've certainly been open to it for the past 6 years) but heart and my mind is focused on God and God alone. Who knows, I may become a consecrated virgin. It's a thought I've been had for quite a while now; one I was afraid to have before, due to fear of being alone, but one that I now feel at peace with if it's my vocation. Again, I still believe that my vocation is to be a wife and mother (and I certainly think this vocation would best suit me as it would help get rid of my selfish tendencies that would be harder to shake if I were to remain single) but I am open to whatever God wants me to do/be. Right now I am, thankfully, enamoured with the idea of being close to God and to let what may come come at its own time. Vocation can go either way at the moment. All of this could be in preparation for any of the three. ;)

Anyway, everything that's happened this week had led me to these realizations (first time I have the guts to properly think them through, let alone write it down). See what beginning to read St. Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle and having a Pope Benedict XVI dream have led me to think? lol. jk.

Sorry for such a long post; I just let it all spill out without a second thought.

I should really try to finish my last assignment for the week (yes, I am currently procrastinating :-P) so I can enjoy tomorrow. :D

I hope you all have a wonderful week. If you have any prayer requests, let me know. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

The Dreams in Which I Fight Evil; Music Monday

I have nothing productive to write so I'll share the dreams I've been having... because they involve an ongoing fight with the evil one.

I've been having these dreams quite often (they are now averaging twice a week) and it's always the same struggle -- I am fighting with the evil one and the darkness that surrounds him. The person who is with me (or whose prayer helps me) varies but it's mostly St. Benedict of Nursia followed by St. Michael Archangel and the Blessed Virgin Mary. While the dreams are usually different, the basics are always the same: I see a literal darkness wherever I am, I always end up with some kind of light in my hands (this can range from blessed candles, candles in general, or a ray of light that I am holding in my hand), and I fearlessly (dream Emmy is a fighter) go forth and into battle. Sometimes I have a saint's physical presence there with me. In past dreams I've even had the Infant of Prague smile at me, encouraging me to go on, before I tackle whatever it is that I'm fighting. Sometimes it's St. Benedict standing next to me and sometimes it's just a prayer of a saint (like reciting the "Ave Maria") that helps me.

While these dreams aren't strange for me (I've been having saint dreams since my reversion -- many of which you can find on this blog), the frequency hasn't been typical. It's only been over the past month or so that they've been coming with frequency. I don't do anything out of the ordinary. I mean, I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary before bed but I've prayed before bed before. I'm not going to say that there is a supernatural significance to them but I think it's something. Whether that something is my subconscious wrestling with my anxiety, whether it's because I feel like I currently have no clue as to what God wants me to do (call it a post-grad slump), or whether it's actually something I should look into as a sign from God, I don't know. All I know is that I have these dreams... and I often wake up tired from them.

I've been thinking that I need to step up my studying of the faith. I feel like there is still so much I haven't learned or properly explored yet. I was so poorly Catechized that I need to educate myself before I can help other. Maybe that is the reason why I'm having these kinds of dreams; maybe I need to arm myself with knowledge so I can help fight the religious apathy that has a grip on my generation. God knows His plans for me and I welcome them with open arms and an open heart. Anyway, just rambling on for a bit while my anxiety was going loco.

Oh! Since it's Monday, I'll share a song that's really hit close to home lately. I'm still trying to get into Catholic artists (don't shoot me, I'm getting there; hey, at least Hunter Hayes is Catholic and I've been a fan of his for a year now :-P) and Audrey Assad is the first one I've really loved. Her song, "The House You're Building" is one that, I feel, really represents where I am in my life right now... and one that I am sure a lot of young Catholics can relate to. The part that I love is "I'm a broken stone / So lay me down in the house you're building..."



If you want to watch Audrey explaining the inspiration behind the song, watch this video:


Alright, I really should get those two book reviews done. I wish I could say that I had all four but I cannot get The Hobbit done. It's because I've gotten busy with other things... and I am not completely invested in the story so it feels like a chore to read it. In fact, I haven't read it in days... almost a week.

I hope you all have a fantastic week. If you have any prayer requests, please let me know. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D

Saint Dreams, Part... I Seriously Lost Count.

*originally started August 4th but posted the 7th*

During the earlier days of this blog, I used to write about saint dreams I had. I used to have them more often in those days and then stopped for a while. They've been become frequent again and two have had the same message so I thought I'd share.

Those with whom I communicate on a fairly regular basis know that I haven't been feeling very close to God lately. I don't know why but I just can't concentrate as well as I have before while praying or making an earnest attempt to meditate. The more I try to get back on the track I was, the harder it is. When I make an effort to pray at a certain time, especially when it comes to the 54 day Rosary novena I am currently doing with Angelica, something gets in the way and it's delayed until it's almost too late (nearing midnight). I just feel like there's something blocking and I don't know how to get around it. I talked to my regular confessor about it but even with his advice I feel stuck. Maybe that's why I had the following dreams I am about to share. I won't go into great detail but just the gist so y'all will understand.

Last week I had a dream that involved me being inside a parish and seeing Bl. Pope John Paul II consecrating the Eucharist. I was there with two newlywed friends of mine (who were in their wedding attire) who could not see what I saw. Anyway, I was told that I needed to receiving the Eucharist every day. Last night I had another interesting dream in which both my vocation and the Eucharist was brought up. I've been having doubts about whether I had discern my vocation properly so it was interesting that it was brought up in my dream. Anyway, last night's dream involved St. John Vianney, whose feast day we are celebrating today. I was, once again, told that I needed to receive the Eucharist on a daily basis. There were mentions of spiritual attacks coming to me in the next couple of days but the main thing was that I needed to go to Mass daily. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. Considering how I've been feeling, I wouldn't be surprised if this is what I need in my daily routine.

I normally don't put a lot of importance on my dreams because it's dangerous to think that you can predict things or are getting straight messages through your dreams. I've had quite a number of interesting dreams that I occasionally share with whomever else was in the dream with me but that's about it. These dreams, though, I cannot help but really think about. Whether they come from God or from my subconscious, I really feel a strong urge to go to Mass and receive the Eucharist daily. Like I said, maybe it's what I need to feel closer to God once again. Maybe it's something that will make me feel more complete. It'll be a challenge as my sleeping schedule is so out of whack most days and I return to school in a couple of weeks but I think I'm going to earnestly try to attend Mass daily -- especially in the morning as my evenings are usually crazier.

Anyway, I just wanted to share because I thought the dreams were awesome. I am happy that the saint dreams are returning after a short break from them (a break I didn't want).

I hope y'all have a great rest of week and enjoy this feast day. Say a pray for your parish priests. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless!

Life is But a Dream?

For those of you who have read this blog long enough... you guys know I have some pretty awesome dreams sometimes. Though the frequency of saint dreams has lessen drastically over the past year, I still have them. (I will incorporate a Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati dream I had lately into my novel as well.) Lately, it's been my dad that's been popping up -- usually giving me "messages" and "warnings." Usually, I dream that he's protecting us (mom and I, occasionally other family members) from various disasters. I believe I will keep having dreams about my dad for a really long time because I still think about him often. It's only natural. Lately, though, I've been having dreams that have me thinking twice about decisions I am making (or are about to make.)

Only a few close friends know that, a few months ago, I had a dream in which my father warned me about a good friend that I had started developing feelings for. He said that this friend was not a bad guy, but that he would not make me happy. Furthermore, I was going to find out something about this friend that I would not like. Later that same day, I did find out something about my friend that totally turned me off. This happened 6-8 months ago. Well, recently I had almost the same dream in which my father gave me the same warning -- about the same guy because the pesky feelings might've returned. Dad said "He's not good for you but..." and he shrugged with that "it's your decision" look on your face. Since I try not to be superstitious about it, I didn't really think about it too much. It could be my subconscious telling me that the feelings (which, btw, I am not even sure about) are not really there. I told my mom the dream and she shrugged it off... until she had a dream of her own.

At this point I should say that my mom very rarely has dreams about my dad. I'm the one whose dreams he pops into regularly. My father appeared in a recent dream and told my mom "I warned Emmy about this but she just didn't listen." What was happening, exactly? I had been badly drugged, abandoned in a room, by a mutual friend of the friend my dad had warned me about in my own dreams. My mom had never met this mutual friend though she'd heard about them when I had mentioned them. My mom told me about the dream and described the friend... and it sure enough sounded exactly like a real life mutual friend. When we got home (we had this conversation in between screenings of Babies and Letters to Juliet -- btw, reviews coming soon), I showed my mom a picture of the friend... and it was exactly who my mom had dreamt. Again, mom had never met this person (one of the few good friends she hasn't personally met.) That got us thinking: what is going on?

I don't like being superstitious. If I do anything superstitious, from old habits I'm trying to get rid of, I confess it. I don't like putting a lot of stock into dreams, but when coincidences like this happen... I have to wonder what's going on. Of course, I'm not saying this is a direct dream from God or from Heaven and that the message is being shown through my dad because I know he's looking after me, whether he's still stuck in purgatory or is in Heaven at this point... but what if it is? What if God is trying to make me aware of things through my dreams? Or is it just my subconscious trying to look at things more clearly? I don't know. People have been known to have dreams that have come true and God has given people messages through dreams (many saints have received them that way). At this point, I don't know what's going on. Since I have no spiritual adviser at the moment (haven't had one since Fr. Leo passed away last November and he was the one I talked to about these things), I don't know what to think. All I know is that there are some strange coincidences between the dreams and real life.

What do you guys think? I'm curious to know what everyone else thinks about this because I, myself, don't even know where to begin or what to think. I won't go into more detail about my dreams because a) I want to keep my friends' identities private and b) if it turns out I do have real, genuine feelings for my guy friend he's not finding out this way... or ever if I choose to keep it to myself. lol.

Anyway, it's late and I have to get some sleep in me since this will be a long week and I will need all the rest I can get. :)

'Til next time, thanks for reading and God Bless!

A Dream, a Real Life Surprise, and Our Faith.

Today has been somewhere between a dream and reality. Of course it's reality but, boy... it seems like a dream. It all started with the dream I had on the 23rd of this month...

As I twittered a couple of days ago, the dream about my dad that was the most beautiful dream I've ever had about him. To sum up the dream as best as I can, without going into too much detail, I dreamt that dad had visited me and told me that he had gone up to heaven, from purgatory, "3 weeks ago" because of how much we all prayed for his soul. He was wearing this white suit and I think I even said something along the lines of "Oh snap, daddy" (which I used to say in real life when he was looking sharp or did something impressive). Then he told me a couple of other things, about how a couple of things were "already written", and that I shouldn't worry about anything. I told him that he had died too soon and that I still needed him (which is how I feel in real life), and he just nodded like he knew. I once again saw a burgundy book that I had seen in a previous dream about him. This book supposedly has a list of things my father will have to help me out with from heaven, sort of a "to-do" list to keep me safe. I didn't ask him anything about it, though. I asked him to please remove the anger my mom still felt toward him in real life and he said something that I understand from real life about why my mother was angry. He wasn't sad or angry though. Throughout the dream, he was very calm, relaxed, and happy. Then I said something along the lines of "So... do you know where I'm going to end up for university?" and he said "Uh-uh, I'm not telling you where you're going!" Then he told me the words that have stayed with me in my waking life...

He said that I would see him more often than my mother would, because I was more attuned to him... and that he would be with me wherever I went. I suddenly saw myself in a white dress with a bouquet of white calla lilies, walking down the aisle of my childhood parish and my father, dressed in a white suit, walking me down the aisle... only he wasn't really there. Then I heard him say "I'm going to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day, even though I physically won't be there." Then I saw myself in the delivery room, having my firstborn (a baby boy) and he said "I'm going to be there every step of the way. Whenever you need me, for every thing that you'll go through. I will always be with you." I woke up shortly after that.

This dream had been on my mind since I had it and it's made me want to go see dad more than usual. I've been wanting to visit dad for a while now but we couldn't for one reason or another. Finally, today we went and we received the biggest surprise that we would've never expected in a million years. As we got to where he was buried, I noticed two things: There were 3 graves instead of 2 and two of those graves had markers/plaques/stones (whatever you want to call them). As we got closer, mom bent down and started cleaning the grave marker that had dirt covering (obviously just placed before the buried someone besides it). She didn't know why but she just started cleaning it. As it got clearer I yelled "Mom, that's daddy's name!" I started getting choked up as she continued to clean it and we saw that, sure enough, it WAS my father's name with his birth year and this year. We both started bawling our eyes out as mom got the marker as clean as she could. I clutched my St. Jude medallion (which I wear on a chain) and my father's cap (which I was wearing) and I thanked God for what we were seeing.

I should mention that we didn't expect my father's grave to have a stone/marker on it because we still owed them about $5,000+ for it. (Burial at the San Fernando Mission Cemetery isn't cheap -- we're talking about $11,000+ for a basic one.) We thought it would take us a couple of years to pay it off (little by little) so of course we were shocked to find the marker there. The fact that the marker was there means that someone anonymously paid the $5,000 that were still due. We know it isn't anyone in the family because everyone we called was as shocked as we were... and, really, no one could afford it. Whoever it was, may God bless you for your generosity. There couldn't be a better gift than having my father's marker placed on his grave. In fact, I was planning on using the money from one of the cars we're trying to sell to pay for the marker. Now, well, I can use it to help mom pay rent and everything else.

As if that wasn't surprising enough, we also had a curious little experience with a white dove and two monarch butterflies. See, I was wearing one of my father's caps (which I have been wearing since he died) to shield the sun from my face. I don't like getting burnt, especially since I get freckles easily, so I like to wear it. Well, as I was going to ask mom what time it was (to leave on time to catch the next bus), two little monarch butterflies landed on the tip of the cap, right next to my right eye, and I asked mom to take them off because I didn't know what they were. When I took of the cap, I noticed a white dove flew down next to the wall that was nearby. Mom immediately said "That's the Holy Spirit... or your dad." She started talking to it and she said "If you're Martin (my father's name), come see your daughter." The dove walking towards us and stood by us for the rest of the time we were there. Mom said "See, it's your dad sending us a sign that he's here with us." I lost it and a new wave of tears overflowed from my eyes. She said that doves usually try to fly away, but this one didn't. In fact, when I knelt down to clean dad's marker a bit more, the dove got much closer. When we left, the dove walked to where we stood, right in front of the flowers we placed by daddy's grave, and just looked at the flowers before disappearing. I took two pictures, one of when it got near us, and the other of when we were about to leave and it got so close, I felt it was going to climb on me. Here they are:

From Daddy's Grave

From Daddy's Grave

Go ahead and click on them to make them bigger. I can't post the picture of my father's grave marker here because a) I prefer to keep my last name anonymous and b) we're not allowed to take pictures at the cemetery anyway (hence why the dove pictures were taken by my camera phone) so, sorry. But still, man, oh man, I can't even begin to describe how I feel.

All of this has just made our faith even greater than it already was. My mom actually forgave my father for everything he did to her (I won't get into that) the second we saw the grave marker and the white dove. It was almost like the request I had asked my father in my dream (the one I wrote about earlier in the blog), about helping mom forgive him, had come true. I think this is just what mom needed to help her with her faith which had begun to slowly fade once again. God is great and what we experienced today is just further proof of His grace!

Alright, well, I think that's about it for now. I have a lot to do tonight and it's getting later and later in the day. Ack! I hope everyone had a great weekend... OH WAIT! It's Monday... which means I need to post music. Hmm... how about one of my favorite versions of "Amazing Grace"? It's by this great musician named Jadon Lavik.



Okay, now I'm getting off and enjoying the rest of this amazing day. :) Thank you for reading and, as always, God Bless. :D

New Path and How St. Therese of Lisieux Fits Into It

Lately I feel like God's been calling me to follow a different path than the one I've been on; a much holier one. No, that doesn't mean that I believe my vocation is to be a religious sister; I still feel, in my heart, that my vocation is that of wife and mother. This new path DOES, however, involve my vocation. I can't go into it too much because it's part of the other blog post I'm working on (yes, it's still in the drafts page) but I will say that I find it amusing that it took a Christian (non-Catholic) to really make me realize that all the signs have been pointing in this direction. I had a dream in mid-late June that St. Therese of Lisieux had told me to have patience about this particular thing and showed me something that I did not understand... but now, with this new epiphany, I understand. (side note: She also said that a friend, who is currently discerning his vocation, was meant for a particular vocation but what do I know? lol.) I'm not saying that all my dreams come true or that they're all divine messages. Not at all. I wanted to clarify this for those who are new to my blog and have read about my dreams occasionally coming true. For all we know, this is something that I've subconsciously known but that it's just clicked in my mind. Point is that I think I know why I've had this inexplicable need/want to have St. Therese present in my life in some way.

So now that I know what I have to do, and have already begun doing it, I have to do a lot to reach my new goal. First, I need to work on myself -- a lot. There are still many things I want to accomplish. Second, I'm still doing research but I am certain I want to have something to with the Carmelites. Perhaps a Lay (Third Order) Carmelite? As I said, I'm still researching all of this but I feel like God, with the help of both St. Teresa of Avila (whom I've felt connected to for years) and St. Therese of Lisieux, is calling me to this. I believe there are some Carmelites that attend (or did last semester) one of the colleges I'll be attending this semester so I hope I can speak with them about this if I can find them. All that I want to do is somehow connected to St. Therese -- either in what she did or how she did things while she was alive. It all sounds kind of vague, I know it does, but I promise it'll all make sense when I publish the other post I've been working on. I haven't finished it only because I haven't finished a particular book I want to discuss in the post. I will try my best to finish it later today or tomorrow to post tomorrow. I'm halfway through the book and I've been known to read books quickly (when I have the free time to do so). Fingers crossed.

Oh, before I end this post I want to give a HUGE "Thank you" to Rebecca of Modestia and Catholic in Film School for unknowingly helping me on this new path. All she did was invite to go have lunch and go shopping, which we did for 8 hours (I think my feet are still sore, lol), but she helped me discover a newfound confidence in myself that I didn't know I had. (Btw, if you read this and if you end up using any of the pictures you took of me, please blur my face out or something, lol.)

I guess that's all I can say, for now, without giving too much away about the next post. I will say that it's a little bit long, though I will try to make it as pain-free as I possibly can. :D Okay, that's it for today. I need to go clean the house and see what I can find to eat 'cause we have almost nothing edible left in the house. I will be happy when I go grocery shopping later today. :D I hope everyone had a great weekend and that we, who are returning to classes next week, enjoy the last week of vacation. :D

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless.

Should This Nerd Stay or Go?

It's been over a month since dad died and I'm still attempting to go on with my life as much as I can. Last Tuesday, the 11th, a good friend of mine took my mom and I to the cemetery to leave flowers for dad since it had been a month since he died. I think we're going back on the 22nd to leave him more flowers, since he was buried the 22nd of July. The shock has worn off, the crying comes and goes. I'm also going through the "anger" stage in the mourning process at the moment. I feel upset all the time but I keep it in because I know if I snap it'll be directed towards my mother (who's also going through the anger stage; we're driving each other crazy so we interact as little as possible at the moment) and that would not only be disrespectful, but very hurtful. The last thing I want is to hurt her. I went through the numbness and the shock. I went through the guilt stage pretty quickly because Lord knows I did all I could to help him. The depression stage is supposed to come and go and I already went through a bit of that last week. But while I'm going through all of this, I'm still hopeful and optimistic. It's weird that I've been able to hold onto this throughout everything. I guess I truly am an eternal optimist.

I guess maybe I am still going through a guilt stage... only not over dad's death. With school starting on the 31st for me, I have to start thinking (again) on where I'll apply to for transfer this Fall. I have ruled out Mount St. Mary's College (L.A.) for good, though I was truly happy there. I'm trying to be practical and it would just be too expensive for me to be there for another couple of years. I've been thinking of re-applying to UBC in Vancouver, Canada (where I was originally destined for this Fall) and a couple of univerisities in England because it's always been a dream of mine to attend college outside the States. If I could, without any guilt, I would go to UBC. But I can't exactly do that without thinking things through... and with A LOT of prayer.

See, I have this dilemma right now. For the first time in my college career, I don't have anything keeping me in Los Angeles. Every time in the past, there was something - usually dad's battles with cancer. Now that dad's no longer with us, and I've got a good handle on my anxiety, there's nothing that's really keeping me here... except my mother. The one time I have the ability to be selfish and follow one of my dreams, I can't because I have mom to take care of. I'm fully aware that she's a grown woman and can take care of herself... yet, I still feel responsible for her. In so many ways, I've become the adult in the family. I keep track of things and keep her from doing things (like spending massive amounts of money on things we don't need) that would affect the both of us. She's currently battling another cold... which she got because she didn't listen to me about not taking a shower and then going out at 4 in the morning, a number of times. She was just getting over her bronchitis and I knew the cold, wet hair + cold pre-dawn weather would not help her. It's weird that it's almost like roles have been reversed and now I'm the mother in this relationship. Because of all of this, I feel like I can't go... though I really want to.

Now the question I have is... should I stay or should I go? UBC is my dream school and I think I have a pretty good chance of getting in and doing very well there. I want to be autonomous, which I know I can be, and really enjoy my youth. Of course, doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy -- I just want to go to a top university that offers all the courses I would love to take. Anyway, my idea of a good time is drinking tea and reading a book. lol. AND UBC has both a Newman Center for Catholic students AND a Catholic chapel within the university. That was what sealed the deal for me -- what made me really want to go there. At the same time, I'm afraid to leave my mother. Not afraid because I don't think I can take care of myself, I know I can. I'm afraid of leaving her here because I know she would need me in more ways than one. I'm the only family she has left; I have her AND my brothers and sister left.

It doesn't help that she's starting to guilt trip me into not going anywhere. I honestly can't even go out with my friends, even if it's for a quick bite. She either wants to go with me EVERYWHERE I go, or if I tell her (politely and respectfully) that I'd like some alone time with my friends, she guilt trips me into staying home because she can't come with me. It's both frustrating and understandable. I think this is where part of the "anger" I'm feeling is coming from, and I don't like it. As Fr. Juan told me last week, the opposite of love is anger, so I should really try to get this out of my system. I've started asking St. Jerome for his help in dealing with this impatience/anger/frustration since he had a similar problem when he was alive. I'm not used to feeling this way; it's all very new to me.

Maybe I've felt an inexplicable want/need to be closer to St. Therese of Lisieux because of all of this. She lost her mother at a very young age. She knew her vocation early on as well (though I'm quite sure that my vocation is to be a wife and mother, and not a religious sister). I'm sure there is a lot I can learn from her. This feeling has been building, slowly, over the last couple of weeks. I really need to get my hands on her autobiography. The only book I have on her (which isn't her autobiography) is only a few pages long and is in Spanish. I grew up speaking, reading, and writing Spanish but I've always felt more comfortable doing these things in English. Too bad my school textbooks are costing an arm and a leg, or else I would get myself her autobiography right now. Hmm...

Well, to wrap up this blog, I will say that it looks like I'm going to be undecided for a long time. If at least one of you guys can please help me pray... that I get some sort of clue as to what to do, I'd greatly appreciate it. I might take some time away from the computer, after my London research (which I am doing from home instead of directly from/at London as planned; again, I can't go anywhere. :(), just to do some heavy praying and meditating. I think I'll ask St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, or St. Bridget of Sweden to help mom out (they are two of the many patronesses of widows). Actually... I just realized something VERY weird. A couple of months ago I had a dream that my big brother Moises (who died as an infant) showed me a holy card of St. Catherine of Sweden and told me it was meant for mom... St. Catherine of Sweden was the daughter of St. Bridget of Sweden, who is the patroness of widows. Wow. What a weird coincidence... I'll try finding a prayer card of St. Bridget for mom...

Alright, I think that's enough for now. I think I might go to the San Fernando Mission for a little while (perk of living not too far from it) and see if that doesn't help me with this little anxious feeling I've had all week. No full blown panic attacks yet (thank you, St. Dymphna!). Oh, and btw, I HAVE been working on blogs, one of which has been in draft form on here (not yet published), for a couple of days. That one is taking a bit of research. :D More will come before I go back to school. I hope everyone is doing well and is having a good end of summer.

As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

Dad's Warning; Mission Complete! New Mission Set?

I'm sorry it's taken so long to update. I had hoped to jump right back into blogging after my last entry but the shock finally began to wear off and I spent a good week away from the computer (both as a promise to St. Timothy as a 'thank you' for his intercession and for my own mental health). I am still trying to figure out how to do this... live without dad in my life. I had already begun developing a pattern while he was in the hospital (the last month of his life) but it didn't really hit me, until last week, that it's now just mom and I. I did spend a couple of days just completely bummed out and crying over the smallest things, but I'm happy that I got it out of my system. Of course, I will always have dad in my heart and mind but the grieving process is moving along well... and I know that dad's in heaven, or the very least purgatory, and looking after us now, especially after the dreams I've been having of him. One particular one ended up coming true, too.

If you've read my blog long enough, you know that I usually have saint dreams. Don't know why or how but it's what I usually dream about. Last week my dreams were a little different. For a couple of days I dream that there was a massive earthquake and that dad hurried us out of the way, and took care of us so that we were safe. That lasted for about 4 days; same plot - earthquake, dad rescuing us, different setting. Then I had a dream in which dad answered a question I had in real life. I won't go too into the specifics of it because it's of a personal nature (as in, regarding my love life) but I will say that I had NO CLUE that the advice and warning I had would come true later that day. In the dream, dad warned me that while the guy wasn't exactly a bad person, he wasn't the best choice for me and I wouldn't be happy. I clearly remember dad shrugging and said "It's not my choice, it's up to you if you want him like that, but..." with a look that made me understand that I would not be happy with what I was about to find out about the guy. I told my mom the dream and a few hours ago, I found out exactly what dad was hinting at in my dream. Again, I told my mom and she said she thought it was a direct warning from dad through my dreams. One of the last conversations I had with my dad was about just that, my future relationships, and he said that he trusted my judgement so he wouldn't interfere. If the dream was an actual warning, I'm glad he DID interfere because it saved me from a broken heart. I came out relatively unscathed... though, later on, I did get my heart nearly broken but this time by someone I considered a best friend; the heart break was not of a romantic nature, either. I'm sure this will be a surprise to most of my friends because, just as I've said on this blog, I very rarely discuss this part of my life with anyone who isn't my mother. Anyway, thank you daddy for the warning!

And while I'm still talking about my parents... I DID IT! My mission is now complete!!! "What mission?" You may ask? As I've mentioned many times before, like in this entry, my life's mission became to get my parents back to the Church. For the past 3 years, that had been my ultimate goal. I got into many arguments with my father over it but eventually broke him down first. Thank God in Heaven that I was able to get him to come back just a little over a month before he passed away! Dad was the most stubborn person, but I did it. Of course I'm not taking all the credit here; I know God used me to get him (and eventually mom) back to Him. He passed away closed to God and having received the Eucharist, for the last day, only a few days before his death. While dad was in the hospital, mom and I never missed Mass. It became a routine for us to go to the first English Mass our parish offers and then go visit dad at the hospital before we came home. We still haven't missed more than one Mass (the weekend we both had fevers and horribly ill) in a long while. In fact, we went to Mass the day after dad passed away (he died on a Saturday, we went to Mass that Sunday). It seemed that all my bugging, coupled with my father's death, finally broke mom down. She was actually considering going to confessions the week before my father passed away but dad's death really made it click for her. This past Saturday, she finally went to confessions... after many prayers (btw, a massive THANK YOU to my twitter friends who helped me pray for courage for my mom) and a lot of "coaching" on my side. I had to remind her what kinds of things she had to confess and the Act of Contrition, which she'd forgotten. I had to do it in Spanish, too, 'cause she feels more at ease with the language. She kept saying she was too nervous but I told her what I think about confession and why I think it's important that we do it, so she finally got the courage to do it. I was SO happy when I came out of my confession and saw that she was inside with the Hispanic priest. YES! The next day, she received the body and blood of Christ. I will admit that I teared up a bit when I saw that happen. My heart was overjoyed. I could feel the presence of the Lord with us in that moment when we both received the Eucharist. :D Mom's also been praying a whole lot more lately. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to do this (again, with His help) and achieving my ultimate goal! That has ever made me happier and prouder than seeing both of my parents back at the Church. :D

One little thing about that, though... I need a new ultimate goal in life. I honestly didn't think God would grant me my biggest wish so soon. I thought it was going to take me a number of years to get them back; especially dad. I had years of fights with him, every weekend, because he didn't want to go to church. I was thinking that maybe I should continue this path -- getting more people back to the Church; or at the very least to confess. One small step. My parents weren't the first. A few months ago, I helped convince another older woman to go back to confessions for the first time in decades. She was a stranger but she was drawn to talk to me while I waited an hour to confess. I don't know how I convinced her but I did it and it made me happy. I won't forget the gratitude I felt, thanking God for allowing me to do it. I've also started getting a few others on the road to returning, all without trying. Maybe this is what God wants me to do for Him. I'd be more than happy to do it! We'll see what happens...

Alright, well, that's going to be it for now. I have a lot to write, but will do it little by little so I can have a few more posts this month before I head back to school. *groan* Why does my summer have to end so quickly? On the upside, my Philosophy of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam (my Religious Studies lower division course for the semester) is looking promising. :D I'm procrastinating, aren't I? Okay, I'll stop writing soon. lol.

Thank you for all for your continued prayers and support. It's meant a lot to our family that so many people would take time out of their lives to pray for us in our time of need. Thank you for reading and God Bless you all! :D

P.S. For those of you who have asked, my cousin's grandson is no longer in the ICU for his pneumonia. He is doing much better, though is still in the hospital. Thank you for your prayers!

Good vs. Evil Dreams.

Yes, it's another edition of "What Crazy Dreams is Emmy Having Lately?" I've mentioned several dreams on this blog before. Seriously just search "dreams" in this blog and see how many entries you come up with. I've devoted entire blog posts about them. You'd be surprised how many comments I've gotten about the dream of the end of the world, which I wrote about last year. I haven't written about any lately but I am still having them... but they're now mainly about a struggle between good and evil. I've lost count of how many I've had that has centered on a personal struggle with the devil. Sometimes I have help from saints like St. Benedict of Nursia or St. Teresa of Avila (I believe St. Pio of Pietrelcina also appeared a couple of weeks ago). Lately it's just been myself against evil.

A couple of days ago I had a dream where I made the devil really ticked off for saying the Blessed Virgin Mary's name out loud. I was in the backseat of a car apparently invisible to the driver and front passenger. I knew the driver (she's a former friend) so I didn't really think much until I heard her say that she was planning on doing something to make sure I had an accident/got hurt. As soon as I heard this, I jumped forward and grabbed her forehead and started praying for her. I prayed one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and one Glory Be at first. I noticed she was squirming when I got to the Hail Mary. The second round of prayers, I heard her voice change and her hands shaking. As soon as I got to the Hail Mary and said "Hail Mary, full of grace", I heard a loud grunt followed by a really peeved voice saying "Shut up. Don't say HER name." I replied with a "Oh, yeah? Well. HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE...", continued with the prayer, and kept repeating it until the girl (who apparently was possessed) lay there peacefully. During the prayers, though, I saw the devil who was in agony because I kept saying the Blessed Virgin Mary's name over and over again. He was REALLY mad at me, but I didn't care. I saw that he had talons that kept growing every time I said her name. I don't know why I had the dream, I just did.

That's just an example of a type of dream I've had lately. I've had a couple where St. Benedict of Nursia has physically appeared to protect me in my struggles against Satan. (One sticks out where, I believe, he placed his hand on my shoulder as I kept praying.) If it's not me actively fighting against evil, it's me getting "messages" to help stop two particular things which I can't mention because they aren't suitable for my under 18 readers. I've had two very vivid dreams where I've gotten the message from God (yes, I've dreamt Him specifically saying these things to me) to look at what these things are doing and to do something to help stop it. In one dream, God placed me in a city where there was sin EVERYWHERE. The entire place was red and black. I heard God say (and I'm going to paraphrase) "Look at everything here. This is all unacceptable and very corruptible" and something about helping "making it go away." A few weeks ago, again, I dreamt that I was fighting against someone because they were trying to spread these things to others. All I remember was feeling angry and disgusted, and knowing that God was upset and hurt by everything that was happening. I don't know why I am having these dreams. It could be because, yes, in real life I am completely disgusted by these things, but beyond that I don't know. It's not like I go to bed thinking about these things.

Where did my pleasant dreams of me talking to saints and priests go? I love those dreams. I miss my dreams of holding golden crucifixes, of being in a garden and in an all white Church dome while seeing many saints just walking around, talking to each other. I would love to have more dreams of the Child Jesus smiling and talking to me, or of having the Blessed Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ take turns pull me up and giving me hugs. I don't know what's going on. I do feel like I should really go talk to Fr. Leo about this, though. (Fr. John is no longer at my parish or else I would go to him. He loved my saint dreams. "Better than the movies" he would say.) Does anyone have as many dreams as I do... or as often? I don't know... it's all weird, but sometimes in a cool way. :D

Okay, well, that's it for today. Yes, another fairly short entry. :) I woke up feeling weak today (literally. I feel like I can't even hold myself up properly) so I'm going to try to rest as much as I can. Since it's St. Catherine of Siena's feast day today, I'm going to try to work on my novel a bit today. And, for the record, the female protagonist in the novel is named Catalina ("Lina" for short)... which is the Spanish version of the name Catherine. That was no coincidence. ;)

Hope everyone is doing well and staying healthy. :D As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D

P.S. Thanks to Claire from Musings of a Twentysomething who has helped me with my mantilla problem. :D I'll let you know if it works for me.

Most Beautiful, and Weird, Day Ever!; Spanish Mass Conquered!

I am having, by far, the most beautiful (and super weird -- in a good way) day ever! I actually just got home from a Spanish Mass... which I went to by myself! Oh yeah... I'm getting braver! :D See, I woke up early to watch the Liverpool vs. Chelsea game (Liverpool WON! WHOO!) so that meant I could go to the English Mass without problem. Little did I know that my breakfast would get my mom and I sick. When it came time to go to the English Mass at my parish, I couldn't go. I was nauseous, my head throbbed, and I felt super fatigued. I told my dad that I would see if I felt better "in a little bit" so that I could still try to go to Mass. I ended up falling asleep and woke up an hour and a half ago. By this time, the last English Mass was half done. It would take us 15 minutes to get there so no use. I decided to give the Spanish Mass a try. I asked dad to drive me to the local parish (where I usually go to confessions) and he said alright. He didn't tell me he would just drop me off until it was too late. I got a little nervous because not only was this the first time I'd go to a Mass by myself without someone nearby in case my anxiety struck, it was the dreaded Spanish Mass which gets full beyond capacity. I called mom and let her know I would stick it out... and I DID! I was (and am) so proud of myself! :D I had virtually no anxiety; just a couple of seconds of "Can I do this?" I had this absolutely beautiful moment while I was there, too.

Since I was all the way in the back, I was the first person in line to walk up to receive communion. I had this moment where I felt like I was a bride walking up to my groom. Not only that, I felt like a blushing bride... and felt my cheeks getting warm, too. lol. I honestly, for a split second, thought "I'm going up to see my groom." It was the WEIRDEST and most beautiful feeling in the world. I had other things that happened during this time, but I want to talk to one of the priests I know first to get their take on it. Let me just say, it was an amazing and beautiful experience. So, I received Eucharist, and since I was on this beautiful high, I got the courage to try the wine. It was my first time doing that (at least since around my first communion) as well. Why I haven't had the altar wine in years... long story that includes the words "allergic reaction". What can I say... I was being brave. :D I'm not used to it so it burned my throat a little, but, man, it was so worth it. I felt complete. :D At the end of Mass, I felt happier than I've felt in a long time. *content sigh* Dad tried to make me re-think going to Mass because I was "sick" but I kept telling myself... "No, I belong in the house of the Lord. I HAVE TO be there today!" Nearly a month of missing Mass is horrible and I wasn't going to risk not going again today. I am so happy that I not only lasted throughout the entire Mass, by myself, but that I made myself stick it out. :D Si se puede, indeed!

Before all of this, I woke up from a wonderful dream. This is where all the weird parts of my day are coming forth. I dreamt I was talking to the only brother I've never met. My mother had a child over a decade before I was born. He died when he was only 11 months old. He and I have many similarities, I've always felt close to him... even though I've never met him. I've briefly mentioned some things about him in a previous post. Anyway, in the dream I had a whole conversation with him. It was weird, but very lovely. He said that he was looking out for me and that everything I did and said, he heard and saw. "After all, you're my sister" was something he said (I'm paraphrasing though). I remember I couldn't figure out whether to call him my little brother, or my big brother -- because he went to heaven as a baby, but he was born in the early 70s and I was born in the mid 80s. He seemed to think that was funny. He told me about some earthquake that would happen here "at least a 5.0" and that I should be ready for it. I have earthquake dreams often so I didn't really think twice about it. Then he said something about taking care of mom, and I decided to grab my things because of the upcoming earthquake. He showed me (I don't remember how) a holy card of St. Catherine of Sweden and said it was for mom. Then a holy card of a male saint whose name started with an R (don't remember the name, just the image on it) was left for me and it was implied that it was meant for me. Then the earthquake struck, I ran out of the house to this mini van where he apparently was waiting. Then I woke up... to the lights flickering on and off in my room. It only happened in my room, too. Mom was in another room and they didn't do that where she was. And to make sure I wasn't going crazy (haha!), we checked the digital cable box and saw that the power had indeed flickered on and off (with the To Be Announced sign on all the channel -- which happens when the power goes out). That was weird.

A little weirder still, I told my mom about the dream. We don't know much about St. Catherine of Sweden so I decided to look her up on my iPod. (Thank goodness for google search and wifi). I read my mom St. Catherine's story and my mom said "Wait... I'm 4th of 8 children too!" -- just like St. Catherine. I didn't know this! My mom was adopted as a child so I didn't know all this. Another coincidence, St. Catherine of Sweden is the patroness against miscarriages and abortions -- loss of children. So that was really weird, but cool. I put all this in the back of my mind and went to Mass, only thinking about making it through the Mass. Then Fr. Alexander starting speaking and with his homily came a name I wasn't expecting -- Moses. My brother, the one who I dreamt of last night, was named Moises (the Spanish version of the name). What weird, crazy coincidences. Nonetheless, these coincidences made me happy and made me feel like I belonged at Church today. :D

And to add to all of this: the female protagonist in my novel is named Catalina (aka Lina) which is the Spanish version of Catherine... AND Sweden is mentioned in the first paragraph of the novel. WHOO! :D

So, as you can see, I'm having a VERY weird (full of coincidences) but beautiful day. :D It's making up for yesterday when I had to miss my little adopted sister's play. :( (P.S. Trust me, De, I tried to make myself go but when it got to the point where I was literally going to faint, the plans were scrapped.)

Alright, well, I think that's enough babbling for today. :D I hope I didn't bore y'all with what's going on with me. :D I hope everyone is having (or had) a great weekend! As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D
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Anxiety Update; Optimism; Saint Dreams, Part... I Lost Count Again.

Anxiety has been down for the past couple of days! Whoo! I was even able to make it to Mass on Sunday and receive the Eucharist. The only issue I had was with the cold weather and the incense inside the Church. The cold caused me a bit of pain (which is why I've had to stay indoors since Sunday afternoon) and the incense made me very lightheaded. I stuck it out, though... even when I was going to get the Eucharist and I felt like my knees were going to to give in under me (that's how lightheaded I felt). But, all is good! :D

I've been trying to stay the eternal optimist I am throughout this whole thing... and through some issues I'm having with a certain family member/the lectures I've received about donating. :D I'm not going to sit here and throw myself a pity party, complete with a solo using the world's smallest violin. I knew, in the stages of planning, that this family member would be upset with me because "we need food and money, too" (his words, not mine). I cannot NOT give, though. I know I don't have loads of money or resources, and that I want to give more than I can, which (on top of the snide remarks and lectures) causes a bit of stress and bums me out. I was trying to find a way to say how I'm placing my faith in God (knowing He will somehow help me help others), without sounding redundant, but Matt beat me to it. He wrote a great post on his Fallible Blogma site that, well, it's like he read my mind. You're not reading my mind, right, Matt? lol. Go read the article he wrote and you'll see what I mean.

If you've read my blog long enough, you know that I have saint dreams on an almost daily basis. Multiple saints, the Child Jesus, St Teresa of Avila, St Benedict (many of him), Our Lady of Lourdes, and St. Bernadette have been some of the dreams I've written about. I've had more than just these dreams. I've even dreamt about the end of the world where I go through Purgatory. Anyway, I've had a couple of good ones lately so I thought I might share. (I know a couple of the priests I personally know get a kick out of them).

A few weeks ago, I had a dream about Feast of Santa Lucia (St. Lucy). There are different European traditions/celebrations of this feast day, but I dreamt of the Swedish tradition. I ended up somewhere, in a white tent with a bunch of cute, little blond girls with wreaths on their heads, and white gowns. I remember I was the only brunette in the bunch and they were yelling at me to hurry up and get dressed because I was the one who would walk with the candle lit on my head. So I got into a white robe, my hair had two braids that resembled the breads that they prepare during this time. Then the wreath with the white candles was placed on my head. They also gave me candies to put into my pockets. As I was about to walk out of the tent, ready, I woke up. What's funny about this is that I had NO CLUE that it was a Swedish tradition. I'd heard about this before but thought it was done everywhere. Makes sense that I would dream about little blond girls dressed like St. Lucy then. lol.

I also had a chat with one of the saints who was a nun, I've forgotten who is was, in a dream. A few nights ago I dreamt of Bl. Pier Giorgio and his sister for a brief moment. I think I also had a chat with St. Raphael Archangel a few nights ago. I definitely saw him in it. I've had a few other saints appear but I've lost of track of whom. I'll have to write them down when I wake up.

I've had several dreams featuring St. Benedict, and it's usually me asking for his help because someone did witchcraft on someone else, or it's the devil's work, and I want to get rid of that. I've had quite a few of those in the past 2 weeks. The last two nights, especially last night/this morning, I've had some crazy dreams where I am fighting against the Satan himself. I think I had St. Teresa of Avila with me in last night's dream, as well as an angel -- though I am not sure if it was St. Michael Archangel. Outcome was good. Still, I have more than my fair share of dreams where I am fighting off evil with the help of a saint or two. It's not often that I wake up from a dream, to get a drink of water or something, and then go back to sleep... to continue the dream. This morning, that happened. I was fighting evil, woke up, went back to sleep, and continued it. Yesterday, it was St. Catherine of Siena who was helping me with my struggle against evil. Yeah, some pretty good saints to have with you, even if they were just dreams.

Okay, now, I've been writing long blog posts lately so I am stopping here. I probably won't write for a day or two because I've been sort of pressured/inspired by a friend to keep working on my novel (so close to being done, yet nowhere near being done, lol) so I will work on that. Hopefully next post I will share with y'all the soundtrack that goes with the novel/screenplay so that y'all can try to figure out the scenes and plot. I bet none of you will get it 100% though. :-P

As always, thanks for reading, and God Bless.