I'm terribly sorry it's, once again, taken me days to write a blog. I should confess that most of the time when I say I'm sick and it takes me days to write it's because I'm usually physically drained and recovering from the aftermath of panic attacks.
I was doing VERY well up until Monday when I had one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a while. Basically, I was in a crammed bus (they pack people like sardines on buses here) and I started getting a panic attack. Then, some snot-nosed little kid wouldn't give me the seat a gentleman offered to me when he saw I was about to pass out. I mean, I was sobbing, holding onto the metal railing on the bus like my life depended on it, and the kid sat down on the seat the second the man stood up. My mom politely asked him if I could have the seat because I was about to pass out and the kid gave my mother major attitude (along with a couple of not so nice words) and I stood the entire ride home. Even the kid's mother gave me the most evil stare. If looks could kill... eesh. The entire time I was thinking "excuse me for wanting to sit when I feel like my legs are going to give in, under me." Anyway, from that day, I've been at home recovering from the residue the panic attack left. It's such a pain in my tush. Sometimes it feels like a cold is coming on so I can never tell if I'm actually getting a cold or am still physically drained from panicking. I'm hoping it's not a cold because it's the last thing I need right now.
I'm also thinking that it didn't help that I saw an old classmate of mine on Monday, prior to the incident. He and I used to be at odds my freshman (or was is sophomore?) year of high school. He was the popular, football (American football) guy who was just a little too cocky for his own good. We once had a bet, which he lost, when I wanted to show him that he goes a little too far assuming he can get anything he wants. That was so funny to watch too. lol. Anyway, when I left public school I left with an urge to kick him in the tush but I never did. When I saw him this past Monday, those feelings came back because he still looked at me like I was nothing and he was the almighty guy that is better than everyone else. I'm just glad I have self control and am a pacifist because I would've kicked him if I weren't. lol.
Another thing that ticks me off... the Californian government has taken away the parents' rights to have their children. That's right... homeschooling will become ILLEGAL in the state of California. ARE THEY FREAKING KIDDING ME?! That's complete bull. I feel like writing to whoever is responsible and giving them a piece of my mind. I seriously feel like I have to do something about this because I'm living proof that public education is incredibly flawed. I was in the Los Angeles Unified School District for 10 years... which was utter crap (pardon my language). We never learned anything because they repeated the same things every year. I tested into college level English when I was a 14 year-old but they wouldn't let me take anything besides Shakespeare (which was for only one semester) so I spent a long time not taking a proper English course because they didn't know where to place me. The college courses I did take at 14 (Shakespeare and a Criminal Law course) didn't transfer when I went into college because they withheld all the classes I'd done. Why did they do that? Because I left the school to an independent study/homeschooling charter. In fact, all the classes I did at the public school were basically erased and wouldn't give the charter program my grades so I had to do a lot of the courses twice. I was absolutely miserable my entire educational career at public schools.
I actually developed anxiety in high school, at 14-15, because of a former History teacher I had. He used to humiliate me on a daily basis and no matter what I did, he wouldn't let me get ahead or do well. I remember when I wrote a 17 page research paper on Susan B. Anthony and he just ripped it up and gave me a fail. He'd also done that once before, in front of a teacher who didn't even report him. He was also, by far, the most perverted man I've ever met. He had absolutely no right speaking about the things he used to talk about in class. That kind of material isn't even appropriate for college students, much less a bunch of 14 years-olds. He would also tell us not to tell anyone what he said in class because he knew he'd get into major trouble. I had a lot of problems with teachers from ages 5 to 15 (I left public school at 15) because the a good portion of the professors in the LAUSD suck. Plain in simple.
I've had teachers fail me (in junior high and freshman year of high school) simply because they didn't like me or because they were racist. Oh yes, I dealt with a teacher in 8th grade who was racist towards Hispanic students. I once said it, very passing and nowhere near her, how she was being racist against our little group and this one girl ratted me out and said out loud, "Mrs. *insert name*, *insert my name* just called you a racist." I didn't back down or deny I said it. I went to detention (my first and only time) but wasn't suspended because they later found out I was saying the truth. Either way, public school sucks and to deny parents the right to teach their children at home is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
How does the government know that the children aren't being home-schooled because they're sick and can't attend school like a normal child? How do they know that the parent is so ill they can't take their children to school? They don't! Where, in our Constitution, does it say that parents can't make the decisions on what their children learn? They teach sexual subjects as young as 4th grade (to 8-9 year olds). They teach about evolution and other things religions (not just the Catholic one) don't believe in. And, if you say you don't believe in it... teachers will fail you or mark your grade down (I'm taking from experience). I was lucky enough to find my ways around the sex ed because I sincerely see no point in learning about contraceptives, at age 12... or at any age, period.
Sorry, I went on a mini rant but this is something I'm passionate about. I will find a way to get involved in making sure they allow parents to home-school their children. It's not in my plans to stay here when I get married and have my kids, and I certainly don't want them raised here, but I still want to make sure other people have options. First, they took our (college students') funds and cut them significantly... now they want to bully parents into enrolling their children into schools that are horrible? Smart move, California! (and yes, I said it with sarcasm).
Okay, I will stop the ranting. lol. I will say, however, that all of this has made me rethink whether or not I will finish college. I mean, I absolutely want to get my degree in Religious Studies and English and use that to help other people but I no longer know if I have the drive to continue my studies. Maybe I'm burnt out. Maybe all the injustice is making me angry at the educational system in this state. I don't know. I will give the Fall semester a try and then I'll take it from there. I really hope that God will guide me into the right direction because I have absolutely no idea what I will do in regards to my future education. Maybe I'll ask St. Thomas Aquinas to intercede for me. Or I could ask St. Teresa of Avila. After all, she's the patron saint of writers and, I feel, my kindred.
Oh yeah, and speaking of writing, the novel is coming along now that I've overcome the writer's block. Whoo! :D
Alright, well, that's all for tonight. I feel really fatigued so I should try to get some sleep soon. As always, thanks for reading and God Bless. :D