My Crazy (But Perfect) Consecration Day Adventure

I've been wanting to write this post for several days now because my consecration day was pretty crazy yet perfect in its own way.

On June 9th, the memorial of the Immaculate Heart of Mary (to whom I have a special devotion), I consecrated myself to Mary... but the events that led up to it were something straight out of a movie.

First, I felt poorly so I was unable to go to the 8 a.m. Mass and 8:30 a.m. confession time at a nearby parish. We moved that to the 4 p.m. confession and 5 p.m. Mass but, of course, I started feeling really sick around 1:30 p.m. and it didn't let up by the time our 3:30 p.m. departure time came.

I was (as my British friends say) gutted! I had wanted to go to confession, Mass, and then do the consecration after Mass and I didn't think it was going to be possible... so I pulled a Hail Mary (almost literally).

I began praying the Memorare Emergency Novena (praying the Memorare 9 times back to back). I told our Blessed Mother, "You know how much I want to do this; how much I want to go to confession, Mass, and then do the consecration. Please let it happen if it's God's will."

Luckily for me, I began to feel better about an hour or two later... just in time for the monthly (low) Latin Mass at the same nearby parish. It was absolutely perfect for me. It was my preferred Mass, with one of my favorite priests.

When I saw that we would be able to make it, after all, I began to get ready ahead of time, just to avoid being late to confession since it's only half an hour before Mass begins. This is when the real adventure began.

Since I hadn't felt well enough earlier in the day (I took a test drive in the morning to be sure), I hadn't been able to get gas for my car... and the needle was dangerously close to that dreaded "empty" symbol. Of course, we left with enough time for me to drive to a gas station along the way... but we didn't think we'd hit a few snags.

First, we had no cash on us. At least, not enough for gas. I tried paying with a pre-paid credit card but it was declined at two different gas stations despite having enough (and then some) for gas. We were scrambling, trying to get to a gas station and still make it to confession on time.

I tried a gas station on the street we would take to Mass... and gasoline spilled all over my leg, feet, and ballet flats. It seemed that whoever had used the pump before I did had left some gasoline in it and, as soon as I took it, it spilled all over me. I reeked of gasoline, which made me nauseous. Still no gas... and now we had no additional time to get to the church.

I got into my car, worried about the gasoline smell which was really making me feel sick, and I told my mother, "I don't know if we're going to make it. Not without gas in the car... and not with me feeling as poorly as I'm beginning to feel." Still, there was something in me that told me not to give up.

"Let's see if we, at least, can't get to the parish. I can always call AAA to bring me gasoline if we get stuck somewhere," I said. I started asking Mama Mary and my Guardian Angel to help us -- all the while I was getting very lightheaded from the gasoline.

I kid you not, about a block from the gas station, the smell of gasoline automatically disappeared. I even pulled over just to make sure it wasn't just me going nuts. lol. Nothing smelled, my shoes were somehow completely dry (as was my leg and skirt), and it was as if I'd never had that incident. Interesting.

We somehow managed to get to the parish without any problems despite the needle practically yelling, "You're running on empty, child!"

I was just happy to have gotten there... and on time! We were first in line for the confessional but there were two people who'd arrived before we did so I let them go first. It's only fair, and we were still able to make it into the confessional before Mass began. Score!

A few minutes before Mass began, I started feeling sick again. "Oh no," I said to myself. "It's probably the heat." I stepped outside and drank a bit of Gatorade in case it was a blood sugar issue. I had enough time before I was set to receive the Eucharist so I knew I could. I had also anticipated the possibility of little to no air conditioning in the parish so I took one of those hand fans and used it during Mass.

I felt so dizzy and lightheaded and, well, shaky, on the walk down the aisle to the kneelers to receive the Eucharist. I was so worried that I was going to faint waiting in line but, luckily, nothing happened. I received the Eucharist (I might've also cried, lol) and thanked God for the blessing of being able to attend confession and Mass despite the obstacles. Not only that, I was so happy I was able to attend a Latin Mass.

After Mass ended, I sat in the back and did my consecration. I was on cloud 9... and I'd totally forgotten about the lack of gasoline in my car. lol. Somehow, we were able to make it to the grocery store we frequent (for food and for cash) and then I was able to get some much-needed gasoline. I don't know how other than Mama Mary and my Guardian Angel looking out for us. It was dark by this time, too, which I'm not too keen with. I don't like driving at night because people tend to drive more erratically out here between the hours of about 6 p.m. to 6 a.m.

Looking back at it, it was the perfect day. Beyond the Mass and everything (which was the cherry on top of a great day), I stopped trying to rely on what I could do to make sure I could get myself to Mass and asked Mama Mary for help. I began to use that complete trust in her that I'd been cultivating over the past 33 days. Basically, I put my money where my mouth was. Did I truly trust Mama Mary to come through for me when I most needed her? I had to show it... and I did.

It's been a little over a week since my consecration and I've already begun noticing some changes in me. I had been told that there would be but I never anticipated it being as noticeable as it's been. I'm so grateful for the changes I've already made... and the shortcomings I've become all too aware of.

There is a lot I need to work on. I've already taken the steps to make sure I can reverse some of the terrible habits. I still slip up, of course, but it's a new beginning and I look forward to seeing what else Mama Mary has in store for me; to see how she will help me grow in my relationship with her son.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have so much I want to share -- I've had an interesting last couple of days -- but I also have a lot of things to do offline so I should get to them. I'll try to blog as much as I can this week, especially since I'm on a social media fast until Sunday. :)

I hope you all had a lovely weekend! :D

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

When the Obstacles Seem Insurmountable...

Lately, my life has been one long journey through a dark, stormy abyss. Think of Atreyu's journey in The Neverending Story. Instead of letting the Swamp of Sadness swallow me whole (R.I.P. Artax the horse), I've been doing what I can to keep myself afloat but it hasn't been easy.

As your regular blog readers know, it's been a hard time for my family. Between financial difficulties and a number of other problems (across the board; not just limited to Mom and me), it's been a long string of stresses.

I'm the one who keeps the household budget (I'm good with numbers and puzzles/conundrums) so I know the most about how bad our situation is. I try to cut out unnecessary expenses and try to figure out where we can save and where we simply cannot skimp. With random things popping up (e.g. unexpected car repairs), I'm constantly trying to figure out where we can come up with the money and what needs to wait until next month. It's a gigantic headache (sometimes literal) that I deal with at least twice a week.

Having no car has meant no confession or Mass. The nearest parish doesn't have Saturday confession and -- when it does offer confession -- it's too late in the day to safely walk to and from it so that makes going to confession hard as well. I hope to get my car back later today... and that the financial strain isn't too bad. We had to put off getting it repaired for a month (I've basically been stuck at home since mid-April) because we simply had no spare money that wasn't put aside for necessities. I got it towed to our mechanic's garage on Tuesday and I'm expecting a call at some point today to let me know the extent of the damage to our meager monthly savings. Please say a prayer it doesn't go over the halfway point of the triple digits because we won't be able to afford that.

Sometimes I wonder how on earth I'm going to make it through x, y, z (because things happen in multiples, not one at a time) with my sanity intact. Worries on top of worries on top of worries. It's like an endless cycle with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes all of these things also affect my spiritual life. If I'm not careful, the devil knows exactly how and when to attack. Not having been able to go to Mass and confession has only added to the hardships. I don't know why but I have a feeling that going to confession and receiving the Eucharist will somehow help. I'm not being superstitious; it's just a gut feeling that I have.

Thankfully, the consecration preparation, holy water, and my prayer life have helped... big time.

Every morning I do the Consecration to Mary prayer ("My queen, my mother, I give myself entirely to thee..."), which was recommended by one of our local FSSP priests when he came over to pray for me the day after my car accident a couple of years ago. Then I read the daily Mass readings, use the reflections sent to my inbox by Bishop Robert Barron and Blessed Is She. Then I pray the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary. During my consecration preparation, I've added the daily reflections in the 33 Days to Morning Glory book to this routine.

I also pray a variety of novenas, prayers, and/or the Rosary and the Rosary confraternity prayer throughout the day but, more often than not, I do them at night with my nighttime routine. Again, I use the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary and examine my conscience before I call it a night. If there is something I missed doing in the morning (e.g. consecration preparation or daily Mass readings), I will also do it at this time.

I make use of the holy water we were given by one of our local FSSP priests (when he's been over to the house to bless it for Epiphany) throughout the day. In the morning, before I leave the house (especially if I have to drive), at night... if I feel like I need it, I will use it.

I think I'm so used to my routine -- used to trying to cling to my faith during these times of chaos -- that if I miss something at some point, I feel more vulnerable in a way. Not to the point of superstition, scrupulosity, or anything like that. I just tend to notice any deviation from my routine... and it's this routine that helps remind me that I shouldn't be egocentric.

It's so easy to get caught up in your worries. I've personally found myself being pulled more into my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own hardships. I don't like that I think more about myself and what is going on with me than about others and/or about God... but it's hard. And, okay, I know some of my good friends are currently ready to file a formal protest for having said that -- I've even had priests tell me I'm too hard on myself -- but I truly feel selfish during these times and I don't like it. I think that's why I hold onto my prayer routine very closely; it's a good reminder that whatever I'm going through is not up to me to "fix."

Sometimes these obstacles seem insurmountable. That's when I have to remember that God is ultimately in charge of everything, not me. Never have the words "Jesus, I Trust In You" been uttered as much as they have in this household before. Never has putting my money where my mouth is been as important as it has been in recent weeks/month. Never have I have challenged in every way as I have lately.

1 Peter 5:7-10 has resonated so much as it has during these trials... especially when I was asked to wait to become a Benedictine oblate; to "revisit this in a couple of months to make sure this is what (I) really want." The evil one knows that this is what I most wanted lately and I won't let the small obstacle get and keep me down.

Yes, life is hard. Yes, it feels like the walls are caving in around me. Yes, it oftentimes feels like things will never get better; that this is just what my life is going to be like from now on -- one bad thing after another. Yet, Scripture (and the saints) says otherwise. The only thing I can do is trust that God will get me through it and that He will give me the courage, the strength, and whatever graces are necessary to get through this time.

I don't see an end to all I've been enduring lately but I think about the heavenly reward that awaits if only I would get my act straight and that's enough to keep me going; to keep me fighting against temptations. It's hard. Some days I just feel like laying in bed and sleeping all day. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. Most importantly, I know that God has my back and that's worth everything.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts lately.

I hope you all had a lovely week and that you have a great weekend as well!

As always, thanks for reading and God bless! :D

My Consecration Journey Begins Today

Today is the day I've waited for years.

I've been wanting to do a total consecration to Jesus through Mary using both the True Devotion to Mary by St. Louis de Montfort and 33-Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley books for years. I was able to borrow the former from the library and the latter was a gift from a good friend so I am set... and I can barely contain my excitement!

I thought long and hard on what feast day I wanted to do the consecration. In earlier years, it had been on the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel because I wear the brown scapular and have dear friends who are Carmelites. Then I considered doing it on the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe since I'm Mexican-American. It eventually came down to choosing between the feast of the Visitation and the feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary.

When people found out that my birthday is on the day before the feast of the Visitation (and I was nearly born on the feast day since I was born on the night of the 30th), pretty much everyone tried to persuade me to consecrate myself on that day. It would be a good way to start my 33rd year; my "Jesus Year." However, I ended up choosing the feast of the Immaculate Heart because of my devotion to her.

My devotion to the Immaculate Heart started years ago. There's something about the thought of her Immaculate Heart -- so beautiful, so pure, so loving, even in sorrow -- that has always held a special place in my own heart. I've even had a picture of her (first over my bed and now over my desk in my office) since I was a child. It's now old and faded but I love looking at it.

Whenever I have any "heart matters" (relationship matters), I do a novena to the Immaculate Heart. Her intercession has never failed to keep me from getting my own heart broken and has kept my (otherwise) hopeless romantic tendencies in check. If any of my friends wonder why potential suitors don't last very long, there's your answer. Their true intentions are revealed and/or they disappear before the novena even ends. Again, it's saved me from heartache. 

I've recently developed an interest in learning more about the Sacred Heart so it seems entirely appropriate that the last day of preparation ends of the feast day of the Sacred Heart. I'm currently doing a novena for a private intention to the Sacred Heart and, boy, it's been amazing how things change during it. I'm going to look into doing the enthronement of the Sacred Heart done this year because we (my family and I) could really use it after the intense year we've had thus far.

Despite my small worries about what might pop up during the preparation for the consecration (I've heard horror stories), I'm going to place all my trust in God and go forward with it. This is something I've wanted for literal years and it's something that I feel I need in my life. :)

Have any of you used both books for your consecration or renewal? If so, I'd love to hear about your experiences!

Before I wrap up this post, I just wanted to say a massive "thank you" to those of you who've prayed for me in recent days. Your prayers have been what have kept me from spiraling down into a hole of gloom and despair. I (and my family) have been tested in ways I would've never foreseen so your prayers have been lifesavers. May God reward you all!

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and that you have a great week!

As always, thank you for reading and God bless! :D

Childlike Wonder in Grad School

Today is my first day back to grad school (hoorah!) but my class doesn't technically begin until tomorrow so I have time for a quick blog post. ;)

Did y'all have book mobiles growing up? I did. I loved the day the book mobile came to my (public) elementary school. While we had a school library, there was something special about the book mobile. I used to get a thrill out of waiting in line and then trying to come up with at least one book to check-out in the 5-10 minute time limit we got. It was an exciting challenge that led to an even more exciting adventure.

How about catalog cards? Does anyone remember those? I loved having to go to the physical library catalog, look up the author by surname on those little cards, then look for the number where the book was located, and finally try to find the book. It was another fun adventure; a scavenger hunt for great treasure.

This quarter I'm taking a class called Historical Books of the Old Testament. It's about, you guessed it, historical books in the Old Testament. From Joshua to Maccabees, I'm going to be studying them for the next 10 weeks. Of course, there is no obvious connection between the two examples I gave and the course. I mean, besides being about books. However, there is one for me: having this course after a 3.5 month break and having the fruitful Lenten season I had has reminded me of little elementary school Emmy and how I miss a side of myself that I haven't seen in nearly two decades.

What was I like as a child? I loved the faith. I wanted to be a nun when I grew up and I would say that to people. I loved attending Mass; I was mesmerized by it, especially the Consecration. Remember, this is me at like 6-8 years old and I was poorly catechized so I didn't know the real significance of what was happening. I just remember not wanting to miss a single thing the priest did during that part of the Mass. I also loved school. I mean, I loved school. I would cry if my parents made me miss a class (and I only did when I was too sick to attend; yes, I would try to go to school even when I was sick). I loved reading, history, science... I just loved academia.

Sadly, I lost a big part of that love (for both the church and school) when I got older. My parents were Catholics by name only and after my First Communion was done, we basically stopped attending Mass. I was teased for being a "geek" at school. I can pinpoint it to junior high -- 7th grade in particular -- when I started to slack off in my studies. It created horrible habits, including one that I still struggle with: procrastination. A few days ago I remembered how much I loved studying but how I tend to procrastinate because I find other things to do. Okay, fine, I get lost in the world of social media and movies, etc. Procrastination + distractions = rushing to get my coursework done. Yes, I can pull a Rory Gilmore and study like a madwoman but it's usually last minute. Read: stress levels through the roof most of the time.

Since I have done some great progress in my recovery (no longer underweight, eating, and sleeping better), I decided to do channel little Emmy and get back into that academic groove I used to be known for. It doesn't hurt that I'm combining two things I loved as a child: the faith and academia. Hooray for Biblical Theology graduate studies! lol. I know it won't be easy or even the same since I'm now older and (obviously) using different tools (i.e. internet, computers) that I didn't have back then but I think this will help me this quarter.

I've been doing the Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati novena (his birthday is coming up on Wednesday) and I've been asking him to intercede for me in regards to distractions (which result in procrastination) and lack of concentration. My concentration is shot even when I'm doing something simple; that bad. I think I have the tools necessary to curve the social media distractions (hello, Lenten practice!) and I think I've figured out times when I'd be able to get the most out of my studies (read: quiet times in an apartment building) but I still need that extra help so Bl. Pier Giorgio is getting bugged now and the Holy Spirit will get bugged afterward. lol.

I wonder if my plan to have a childlike wonder in grad school will help. When I was younger, I'd ask questions about something I didn't understand or wanted to know more about because I was curious. I stopped because of the teasing and because I didn't want people to think I was dumb. Nowadays, I don't really care too much about looking dumb so I ask. I'm going to try it again. I hope that between this state of mind, the toolbox for studying I've created (classical music and/or Gregorian chants, Pomodoro technique app, specific schedule, etc), and reminding myself of what my goal is (graduating in two years with knowledge to help others learn more about the Church) I will do well. Maybe I'll even treat myself to trips to the library every now and then to check-out physical books as rewards for a good exam or a good week. Yes, I'm enough of a "geek" to really see that as a gift to myself. ;)

Anyway, I don't know why I wanted to share this... I just did. ;) Maybe it's the excitement of starting classes again. Perhaps it's a way to remind myself and keep myself accountable. Both? We shall see. :D

Alright, I'm trying to get to bed as early as 10 p.m. (seriously) so I can get enough sleep and then get up early to study for the first class begins. Technically we online students aren't getting the lecture video until Wednesday, I believe, but I want to get as much done (read: get ahead a little if I'm able to) as I can. I want to savor everything and since it is just one course this quarter, I think I may have the luxury to do just that. I don't want to be rushing through the reading last minute like I have been doing for years. Yes, years. Don't try this (procrastinating) at home... not even you professionals. ;)

I hope those of you who are also starting their quarters have a great quarter. For those of you about to do your finals, good luck! I'll be praying for all you students. :)

As always, thanks for reading and God bless. :D